Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Sarah,
I know how hard this is. Let’s see if there is a way to shift your perspective here. You care and respect him a lot….do you feel the same about yourself? You know that you have a tendency to lean on others for self confidence and worth and at the present moment, he is dealing with something that is keeping him from being able to offer any of that to you. This is such a PERFECT time for you to develop your inner self worth and confidence. This is something you want, yes? One of the BEST and most powerful ways to increase your self esteem, is to feel rejected. It’s painful and uncomfortable and what everyone want to do to feel better, is look to the other person to fix it. You are needing him to show you more affirmations and create dates in order to feel better about yourself. Of course that is also a natural desire for a relationship, but PART of you needing that from him is because you are feeling insecure. So let’s deal with that particular part.
Here is a simple process to go through. First, identify dominant thought and feeling. I know you have many, but there will be one that will stand out the most. Once you identify those, you can then look at the need you have. So if your dominant though is, “I don’t know if he cares about me” and your dominant feeling is insecure….you know you need to feel security. For every feeling or emotion that you have, you also have a need. So now that you know you need to feel secure, you can figure out ways to connect to yourself and meet that need yourself. So share with us, what you come up with and then we can offer some ideas about how to get your needs met, without needing him to do it for you. This is such an important, life long, skill essential for any healthy relationship.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi DeEtta!
I love those 3 qualities! Those are definitely part of my non-negotiable list as well. I actually have been able to meet several men who embodied those qualities, so I know it’s possible.
But you are SPOT ON! The only way to attract a man with those qualities, is to be those exact same qualities yourself, first and foremost. If you want an emotionally intelligent man, then you must BE that and practice it.
Let’s look at attraction for a second. If you understand that every single person that shows up in our lives, is a mirror, then you can understand what EXACTLY they are there to teach you. The mirror (other person) shows you 1 main thing….the energy you carry within you that brought them into your space. That can be expressed in 2 different ways: 1. They can be mirroring back to you how you treat others, so they are giving you an experience of yourself or 2. They can be mirroring back to you a belief you carry within yourself. For example, if you attracted a man who is emotionally unavailable, then he is mirroring to you the belief that you deep down don’t feel like you deserve to be connected with.
I ALWAYS use the people in my life, to help me see what is happening in the subconscious part of me. If there are people that show up, that I end up struggling with, I ask myself, “what are they here to teach me?” In the same respect, if I attract people who are wonderful, connective, open, authentic…the kind of people to take loooong journeys with…then I know I am doing well! So lets talk about the “why” behind you never having experienced a man who has all 3 qualities. What beliefs can you connect to, that would prevent a man like that from coming into your life?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts and feelings about this! This is great work and very good awareness about yourself!
You want to know how to get him closer to you? You stop needing him to make you feel secure and happy. I know…much easier said that done. And I know you know this, but you are not quite able to FEEL this way. It’s an issue many of us have. We know eating that eating pizza and cookies all the time isn’t good for our bodies, but we do it anyways. We know drinking every night is not the best choice, but we do it anyways. We know we need to exercise everyday, but we don’t. We each have different areas in our lives where we struggle between what we know is the most effective choice, yet our behaviors / feelings / choices don’t align with what we know. So what you are feeling is very normal.
Let’s talk about this in further detail. The truth is, is you have a tendency to get consumed and he felt like part of the reason you guys broke up because you needed to more things separately….it’s obvious he felt smothered in some way. He felt your neediness. Even if you guys only hung out a few times a week, he felt an energy from you and a pressure from you, which I imagine you weren’t even aware was leaking out. You are giving him a BIG responsibility that is impossible to achieve…..you are giving him the responsibility of your happiness. You are wanting to “do” something to pull him closer so you can feel better about everything. You are relying on him to act in a certain way in order for you to feel comfortable. Again, I know you understand this, I am just re-enforcing it.
I know how hard this is and how uncomfortable this is. If you really want him to give you his heart, he needs to feel that you are solid inside, with or without him. He needs to feel that you can take care of yourself and not rely on him. He needs to feel your inner strength, not the neediness. You can fake it all you want, but it still leaks out in ways you won’t even see, so YES….it’s time to deal this and explore what is causing you to wrap your identity up in someone else.
First, there is a fantasy you have that if he just opened up his heart to you, then everything would be okay. I wish it were that easy, but the deeper you go with someone, the more risk there is and more internal work that needs to be done to deal with all the triggers that come up from both people. You know how you want so badly to hold his heart in your hands? To have that kind of trust from him? You need to be doing that for yourself FIRST and foremost. You are so focused on him, that you end up losing yourself in the process. To be healthy, means you choose yourself FIRST, you connect with yourself FIRST, you honor your needs FIRST before you start to negotiate, compromise or even hand your heart over to someone else to take care of WITH you, NOT FOR YOU.
The best thing you can do right now is to focus on yourself. When you get to a place where you are so connected to yourself, you love yourself, you nourish yourself really well, THEN you will know that whether he chooses you or not, you will be okay because he does not define your value. That is the place you want to get to. That is a place that will inspire a man to want to give you everything.
So let’s fill in the gaps a bit…since you say this is a pattern of yours, that typically means there were some experiences or role modeling that taught this to you. Can you connect to anything from your childhood? Any abandonment? Neglect? Abuse?
Here is a very sweet video about this concept. This is the beginning. Let me know your thoughts about all of this and let’s begin this new journey of experiencing relationship in a more empowered way!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
The unknown is soooo hard isn’t it?? That’s why love is such a risk. You just don’t know. One minute you think you are heading down one road and the next, you get knocked off….OR….you get to keep heading down that road. You really just never know. Love is a choice…a DAILY choice. Even if you were committed, there will still be an element of the unknown. I know many people who have been together for decades who have been sideswiped by their partner. It takes great strength to love because of that one simple factor…it takes 2 people and all you have control over is yourself. The other person gets to do what feels right for them, even if it means crushing your heart.
Remember to keep just bringing yourself back to the present moment. For today, he is still connected and THAT IS ENOUGH!!! Appreciate and have gratitude for what you DO have and not what you don’t have quite yet. It will help you with having patience when you focus on what IS working for you guys.
You are doing such a great job!!!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
It sounds like you are very clear about what you need right now. You guys are doing great….one step at a time. For now, you are both on the same page and that is so important! It sounds like you guys are communicating really well and creating a new version of “us.”
I would recommend saying how you feel about sex. That is a really big deal for a guy in a different way that it is for a woman. Telling him, when you guys are NOT being intimate is the best time. It is extremely difficult for a guy to put the stop sign up right in the throws of passion. So telling him beforehand, he will better be able to manage himself and his expectations. You can say something like, “I was thinking about this when you were gone. How do you feel about not having sex again, until we know for sure we want to be committed and in a relationship again?” It’s a great way to start out the conversation which can lead to you expressing how you feel about it. Again, have this discussion when you are not in bed or being passionate with each other. It can be a conversation about discussing what is okay and not okay for you guys. So you don’t want sex, but are there other things you feel okay with? Get specific and clear with what feels okay for you, so you guys can be on the same page in this category as well.
Does this make sense? How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Jeannie!
I’m glad you were able to get that book! It’s a great book isn’t it?? I learned about this book through Kanya as well.
On some level, “vetting” someone you are getting to know is important. People should do that more often! A healthy relationship is not just based on feelings, but more based on how well you can live your lives together, to put it simply (although it’s far from simple). It sounds like this guy is “vetting” you in an unhealthy way though. It sounds like he is leading with his mind and not his heart. It sounds like he is checking off a list to make sure you match everything. I agree….yuk! Although it’s important to have certain qualities exist in a relationship, it shouldn’t feel like a job interview. People approaching dating in that fashion, are usually pretty scared. They have a lot of fear, so they end up controlling the situation quite a bit (through their mind – because they are too scared to use their heart).
What is your plan for Thursday? Are you wanting to gather more information or something? If this feels gross to you, how come you are still going to dinner? If you feel like you want to bail, is there something stopping you from just ending it right now?
Heidi
Hi Patricia!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your very interesting challenge.
This is a very interesting dynamic. Maybe they have an open relationship and that’s why he can say and do all of that in front of her and it doesn’t phase her. Is that something you are willing to participate in?
This is the most important thing I want you to consider…..yourself. Ignore all of the chemistry you feel when you are together. If you take that away, is this situation and his choice, something you are willing to accept? It doesn’t matter “why” he is with her. What matters is that he IS choosing her. He is choosing a woman who is very disconnected from everyone. He is choosing a woman who is using him, he is choosing a woman he feels obligated to, he is choosing a woman who doesn’t even care if he flirts and connects with another woman right in front of her. Is that the kind of man you want to choose??? Does he embody what you want in a deep, connective relationship? His choice to be with that kind of woman, instantly tells you where he is at emotionally and what he is really ready for and what he is willing to participate in. It’s not a bad thing…it’s just who he wants to be and that’s okay! This is about you seeing beyond the chemistry you feel and SEEING who he is as a person and making a decision from that space, as to whether he is a good fit for you or not.
Many people make decisions and chase after relationships, because of how they feel and the chemistry. It is soooooo dam powerful! The problem with that, is they ignore how the relationship functions, how the other person functions and then they get themselves into trouble, because eventually everything will hit the fan. BEFORE entering into a relationship and handing your heart over to anyone, there needs to be a lot of time spent together, seeing each other under stressful situations and how it’s handled, lots of practice with communication etc. He needs to earn the right to your heart. He doesn’t get to have you, just because there is chemistry. He gets to have you, because he has treated you with respect. He gets to have you, because he is able to see ALL of you, not just your beauty. He gets to have you, because you guys are like-minded and approach life in a very similar way. He gets to have you, because he is interested in knowing and being known in the depths of your souls. This is what I imagine you want, yes? If this is not what you want and you just want to play and have fun, then I imagine that is exactly what he can offer you and no more. So it really is up to you as to how you participate with him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Irina,
This makes a lot of sense. His whole world is shifting and changing right now. He is right…he should have been dating. He needs quite a bit of time to recover, heal and re-build his life. The good thing is, he has you to help him do that. If you can be patient and let him figure out his life and remain just friends, there is a good possibility at some point he will turn to you when he is ready. You will have built up a lot of trust and safety with him over time and that can go a loooooong way, especially if his ex really beat him down.
However, it would be dangerous to keep hanging onto him and waiting for him as well. It’s important you keep building that friendship AND to also make sure you keep living your life. Keep going out on dates and keep the door open for other possibilities to enter into your life. If anything, meeting him and having this wonderful experience with him, lets you know that it IS possible to have that kind of connection with a man. Now…you just need to find that with a man who is actually emotionally available.
Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Jeannie!
This all makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you have a whole bunch of emotions, thoughts and feelings buried inside. It’s quite normal actually. Most people have never been taught how to handle their emotions in a healthy way. Problem is, there is a HUGE price to pay for that. When you carry around all of that baggage, it ends up coming back to bite you. That baggage is like a beacon signal for men (unconsciously of course). It sends out a message to attract a man who also carries a lot of baggage. So think about the kind of man you want in your life.
Let’s start with the non-negotiable list. Write down your top 10 things that you know you CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT in a relationship. If these qualities do not exist in a relationship, then you know your soul will dies a slow death. You know you will not make it. Then when you look at that list, ask yourself and really look deep inside…do I offer all of these qualities in a relationship? See if there are any discrepancies. For example, you might want a guy who is emotionally available and willing to work through all the problems they face and not run from them. That would be an area where there is a discrepancy since you bury your feelings and don’t really know how to work through the hurt and traumas. So in order for you to attract a man who handled his life in that way, you need to be that first and foremost, or a guy who is that way, won’t be attracted to you. Does this make sense? So I’d like to invite you to learn how to start to process through your deep sadness. There are a MILLION techniques out there. Below is a video of one type of technique that I love and have used for a good 20 years now. I would also invite you to consider working with a therapist. It is sooooo helpful to have someone to talk with, support you, offer different perspectives and help you heal. Navigating the waters of emotions is a tough thing. I’ve been doing it forever, but I still need help sometimes because of the intensity that shows up. Is that something you would consider???
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Irina,
Welcome! You have a really good question! How long has he been divorced? How did you guys meet?
I know you want to show him that it’s okay to love again and that you wouldn’t hurt him in the same way. Reality is though, he is making a very clear choice to run away from his hurt instead of facing it, so he can move on. The best thing you can, is just to stay friends with him and be a good listener, supportive, encouraging etc.
If you try to push him into a relationship with you, if you try to change him on any level, he is going to run in a split second. I understand you have strong feelings for him, but he is not emotionally available for anybody right now. At some point, if he ever deals with all of his feelings and works on healing all of the hurt…then at that point he be ready again. But for now, he would a HOT MESS in any relationship. He can’t even handle you talking about your own life because it triggers him so much. That’s not even much of a friendship. He is VERY FRAGILE and you don’t want to invite that into your life. You can nurture your friendship the way you want to, but I would let go of the idea of him, as your heart will be broken many times over, because of how fragile he is. Besides, do you really want to be with a guy that is so fearful and lets that fear control him? Do you really want to be with a guy who runs from how he feels and runs from how you feel? Anytime you would confront him about something that you need, he would run the other way. Anytime you asked him for something different than what he was offering you, he would get triggered. A relationship with him would be soooooo hard!!! He would not be a good partner, because you would be left alone much of the time.
So my guidance is to really listen to him. He is who he is and the most important thing you can do is to accept him for who he wants to be instead of wanting to change him and how he feels. He wants to let fear control him. He would rather hide in a cave and try to play as safe as possible instead of come out of protective mode and live this beautiful life. And he gets to make that choice. So honor his choice and don’t try to get him to come out of the cave. He needs to make that choice all on his own.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want something more with him as he feels good for you. I wish the chemistry was all we needed to have a good relationship, but that’s just not the case. There is so much more that goes into having a good, healthy, nourishing relationship. Maybe at some point he will change, but until then, accept what he is saying, honor it and remain friends. You need to find a man who is emotionally available and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you fully and completely. That is what your heart truly desires!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
This is great news! I love that you guys are going to take things slowly. I’m curious though…did you guys discuss what that meant to each other? A lot of people say things like that and agree, but in the end, discover that taking things “slow” meant different things to each person. So make sure you get a VERY CLEAR and concrete picture about that means to him and what that means to you as well, so you both are on the same page.
I love that you are also going to work on yourself and develop that skillset! It’s so important! You are quite brave and resilient!!!
What exactly is he still hung up on about your Monday conversation? Do you know what he is afraid of…EXACTLY? Did you talk about how you help him resolve that?
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
I know how hard it is to just allow someone to think something wrong about you. it’s been something I have consciously worked with throughout my life. Being misunderstood is soooo hard. I commend you on being willing to just let him think what he wants and let it go and not take responsibility for his own story. That is not an easy thing to do.
I also would like to encourage you to forgive him for his limitations. You don’t want to carry this hurt or resentment into your next experiences. You want to release all of the hurt so that you can move forward more freely. Truth is, it hurts and that needs to be processed and dealt with. Do you have ways that you know how to do that?
Heidi
Hi Samantha!
Welcome! Dating is a wonderful way to learn isn’t it? Jumping to conclusions is such an easy thing to do and very common actually. Hopefully this guy is forgiving. So after you apologized, have you heard from him since? How long has it been since you guys have connected?
Do you know what his surgery was? It’s only been a few months and some people are SUPER private. It sounds like he might be a guy who takes things slower when it comes to sharing personal things. In these few months, would you describe him as someone who is super open and shares a lot or the other way around?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Welcome! I just have a few more questions.
Have you talked to him about how you feel? If yes, what did you say and how did he respond? I’m not sure what you are wanting from him. You want him to initiate seeing you more than 2-3x a week? Or you want just want him to initiate something? What is it like when you guys are together? Does it feel like he is interested and connected to you? What do you mean that he is lazy? Have you tried anything in particular to get his attention more?
I find it interesting that you get annoyed that you care what he thinks and that you called him a loser and that you love him…in the very same sentence. If you feel he is a loser, then I wonder why you are fighting for this. I wonder what kind of love you have for him, if you don’t respect him. Respect is a crucial part of a relationship. Without respect, it won’t last. So another approach to this, is also to look at how you really feel about him. If you want to fight for him, then lets talk about ways you can shift your perception about him as well. It will help you get more connected to him and may create a more favorable response from him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dana
Oh man! I am really sorry to hear this. Everything you are feeling is so normal. It makes me so frustrated to hear about how the shelter treated you. Yuk! They could have taken that opportunity to really care, but instead just shamed and blamed you. People like that are just fragile. It has nothing to do with you! I know how you feel though. It’s awful to be criticized and judged by people who have no clue what they are talking about. Let all of their words just bounce off of you. Nothing they are saying is true. Don’t you dare give them the power to ruin the wonderfulness that you are. Cass is incredibly lucky to have you!
You have a very hard decision to make Dana. I wish there were a clear cut answer here, but there just isn’t. I wish loving Cass was all that was needed. His issues are big ones though. I honestly would say, if you had a therapist to work with, they could help you through the guilt you are feeling, the loss of your mom, the verbal abuse by the shelter, how to better handle the stress of it all. From the very little I know about you, you are very hard on yourself and very sensitive (which is a good thing, but takes a lot of work to manage it in a healthy way). You need to either create a different skillset to handle everything you are feeling, or you need to find Cass another home. Yes, he is creating a HUGE challenge for you. The guilt you are feeling, the lack of fun you are having in your life because of it, the stress that is piling up is all going to break you down unless you take a different approach. It is going to take some work to release a lot of the feelings you are having and a different skillset in order to keep yourself emotionally healthy. This is so much more than just Cass. You have your mom, there is Helio, there are so many other things in your life that are piling up and there will be some major consequences if you don’t get a hold of this. So again, if you want to just keep being who you are and living your life the way you have been, I would invite you to consider finding another home for Cass. I’m sure there are people that have a yard, would love him just as much and maybe would even allow you an occasional visit if you wanted. If you really want to work on your response to your life and face all the emotions you are having and work on healing, then I have no doubt that Cass could become a permanent part of your home and you will figure it out. He is so stressful for you because you have built up so much pre-existing stress and now he is just adding on top of that.
I also think it’s just a good idea to get more information about him from the behaviorist. If they see he is workable and able to shift over time, then great! If they find that he is just a dog that is going to be like this forever, then that is important for you to consider. In the end Dana, you are more than Cass. You are no good to him being a stressed out, over taxed, on the edge mom. IF that is what you are becoming, then again…you need to fight for yourself first and foremost and if releasing him to a good home can help you find your center again and get your feet back under you, then everybody wins. He has a good home and you get closer to your balance. You will work through the loss of him. This is not your fault Dana. You are doing everything you possibly can and your love for Cass is so beautiful! I would hate to see this ruin your life though. You are at a choice point right now. You can’t keep heading in the direction you are going. So you either get some help, or relieve some of the stress.
Maybe the class you signed up for will offer you some new viewpoints, skills and a way to release some of the emotions you carry with you. What is the course about??
Thoughts?
Heidi
