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HI Colleen!
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We would love to hear more of your thoughts and any updates!
Heidi
Hi Candace!
This makes a little more sense now. I imagine he felt a lot of pressure when you expressed your disappointment. You say you don’t want anything extremely serious, but your expectations about contact would tell a different story and communicate something very different to him. In the beginning of getting to know each other, there are a TON of inconsistencies. Life happens, new habits are forming, feelings are developing etc. My guess is that the pattern with you both during those few months was daily contact and then one day he didn’t. There would be a different way to approach that situation so the guy doesn’t feel the pressure or your expectations, which usually makes them run the other direction if they are not ready. Instead of expressing disappointment, you could say something like, “I missed hearing your laugh yesterday.” or “Wow…I didn’t hear from you yesterday and it made me realize I missed you. That feels really cool!” Many times, they will freely offer some type of explanation to help you understand. If they don’t, that’s okay too. It’s part of getting to know each other. Consistency and thoughtfulness are wonderful things to require in a relationship. Those things also require quite a bit of time for them to be authentic and to develop.
I want to teach you a general rule of thumb. When something happens once, it’s just once. When something happens 2x, it’s a weak pattern and 3x is a strong pattern. Something to pay attention to as you get to know someone. For example, if someone shows up late once, no biggie. If they show up late 2x in a few weeks period, I start to notice this might be a pattern. When they show up 3x in a month, it’s a strong pattern. I now know that if I am going to choose to let this person in my life, I MUST accept they are someone who has a tendency to be late.
And lastly, even you hadn’t expressed your disappointment and did things a little differently, you still would have ended up here. Kanya is right. It really takes quite a bit of time for someone to heal after divorce. He just isn’t ready…plain and simple. The sooner he admitted that, the better for your heart!!! Let him leave you with the gift of knowing that a guy like him DOES exist. Now that you know what it can feel like, it just makes it even more possible to show up again!!!
Heidi
Hi Barbara,
There is nothing pathetic about your feelings. Your feelings matter and are ALWAYS trying to tell you something. They ALWAYS have important messages for you, so be kind to yourself. That is the most important part here…honor your feelings and allow them to talk to you.
The hard part about feelings is trying to figure out what they REALLY mean, because most of the time, our feelings are not the facts. For example, I have had times where I find myself attracted to a man whom I may have seen a ton of times at work and never once had an inkling of attraction to. Then one day, I walk into where I work I am looking at him differently. The very first thing I do is work on figuring out where the heck those feelings are coming from, because I know it is not REAL attraction, even though it feels like it. Once I dig a little deeper, I usually discover there is a part of me, so deeply craving connection with man. That craving for connection is a way that I am searching for a man to make me feel better, more secure….which is a very normal response, but that is looking for someone outside of me to make me feel better…that is a disaster waiting to happen. It’s always our jobs to make ourselves feel better and not someone else’s. This is a tough one though. It’s very hard to pull back our energy from those very strong feelings of attraction.
My guess is, you might be doing the same thing. This attraction to your ex, who is not interested nor available, is you really craving connection and you are seeking it through him. Despite the chaos and drama he represents, he is familiar for you, so in some way, he is cozy and safe.
So let’s talk about this a little further. Something in you is being driven to want to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable. Whenever someone goes after a person who is emotionally unavailable, that usually means they don’t feel very lovable, which usually stems from some experiences in childhood. What was your life like growing up and your relationship with your parents? Are you willing to let go of your ex and create a different, more healthy experience for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Padmini,
Thank you for sharing more details! This helps make more sense about how you are feeling.
First…it is NEVER your fault how someone else reacts in life. It is ALWAYS their responsibility. You may be the one to push their buttons, but it is their issue that the button is there in the first place. So him choosing to go cold and distant when he is stressed out, is HIS reaction that HE has to deal with himself. It is actually not that uncommon for men to go away to figure out their problems. There is a great book that was written probably 30 years ago that really explains this well. It’s called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. He talks about the differences between men and women, one of them being how we tend to handle stress differently. Women want to connect and talk, while men want to go into their caves ALONE and figure this out. It can create a quite a challenging situation for a woman, because she feels that disconnect and wants to chase after him into HIS cave.
The very best thing you can do is to be yourself. Stop calculating HOW you are supposed to be with him. How will you ever know if he truly cares for the REAL you, if you don’t show him who the REAL you is? If you become overly concerned about how he feels, you lose yourself and the entire relationship becomes about him. Eventually, you will become very unhappy in this relationship and you will become anonymous, the more you think about how you are “supposed” to act to keep him happy.
When he disconnects, the best way to support him is to just let him be. The more you give him space to go into his “cave” the sooner he will come out. Give it a shot! See what happens! Again, men love to chase….they need to chase….so letting him go to his cave and NOT chasing after him trying to “support” him, will make him feel like he needs to find you when he comes out of that cave. Have you ever tried this approach before? How does this approach make you feel?
Heidi
Hello!
I find this interesting that after 3 years, you guys were just “hanging out.” If he kept his walls up for that long, I imagine the hope of a deeper relationship with him would not be a healthy thing for you. Are you willing to never get close with him? Essentially that is the design he is looking for. Maybe he felt your heart opening up more and so he is running from it. During those 3 years, did either of you ever go on other dates? What is your contact with him now? Do you guys still talk, but just less frequently?
Reality is, relationships will NEVER stay exactly the same. There will always be a natural progression to things. It will either grow or it will not. You cannot keep this design of just “hanging out” without your feelings continuing to grow and very normally and naturally wanting more from him. He has some pretty big walls up, which from his behavior, are not coming down. This is his life and he gets to choose to live it that way, which is sad really. Do you know why he has those walls up? Do you know any of his past relationship challenges that would cause him to always keep you at a distance? Even if you did get his attention back, he would do this all over again…where he would keep you at a distance. Is that really okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
The choice is always yours. Reality is, there is no way he is ready for a new, serious relationship after being married for that long and being cheated on. He has a lot he has to work through emotionally. He just isn’t ready. It would be a good thing for your heart to really let him go. If you take that route and allow your heart to heal from the loss, then maybe at some point you guys can actually be friends, which can always be a really wonderful thing! And then who knows what could happen down the road. What you need to deal with though, is the present moment. You may be able to get his attention back, but at some point he will break it off again, because he just isn’t ready. I have no doubt he wishes he could be ready, but I’m glad he finally is honoring what he knows inside himself. It would be a really good thing for him to stay away from dating for a good couple of years and maybe even get some kind of help to process the loss of his marriage, especially in the way it happened.
Does this help give you some perspective?
Heidi
Hi Candace!
Welcome! You ask the question of the century! lol
It’s a simple answer, yet very complicated. The simple version is he is split. He has one part of him that most likely wanted to fall in love again, be connected again, have hope again and then another part that is stopping him. Why? Usually it’s unresolved wounds that keep someone from moving forward. My guess is, something happened…a conversation with someone, something with his ex or even a new girl he found himself attracted to….whatever happened, it triggered him into realizing he really isn’t ready for something more serious or committed.
How long was he married? Do you know why they divorced? Did he talk about his marriage at all? Did you learn anything about his past relationship history?I’m sorry this is happening for you. It’s confusing and it just hurts! I steer clear of recently divorced men for this very reason. They have soooo many things to figure out, which makes them unpredictable. This is not about you! There is nothing more you could have done to change what is happening. This is about an internal struggle for him that he needs to figure out. I’m sorry he took you along for the ride while he figures this out.
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Welcome! And good question! Just a few questions…
How long have you been broken up? How long were you together? What caused the breakup? Are you wanting to get back together with him?
He IS flirting and how you went about bringing that up, is great! How long has it been since you sent that message and not heard from him? You said that contact was sporadic, so give it time. He will most likely respond at some point and either keep flirting or back off, which will give you some clue as to how he responded to what you said. If he is running away from something like that, then his flirting is not meaning what you think it means. Meaning…he may be flirting just for the attention aspect or he because he likes to flirt, not because he wanting to re-kindle with you. Who knows though….he may not even know why he is flirting. It’s important you get real clear about what you want from him though so you can align with how you interact with him. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
Thank you for sharing all of this! It ALL makes so much more sense now.
Would you be willing or have the opportunity to work with a therapist or coach? Reality is, “learning” to trust is not what will heal all of those wounds. You are trying to go about “fixing” how you are feeling, by “learning” and that is not the full extent to healing. In order to heal, you need to deal with the wounds themselves. You need to deal with your mother and father challenges and hurts DIRECTLY. If men are giving you feedback that you are difficult to deal with, then that lets you know that no matter what guy you are with, your wounds will still leak out. I too had a very difficult upbringing. I started therapy at 17 years old and have been going every since! I will ALWAYS have a coach or therapist that is part of my accountability and support system. At first I needed to go all of the time, but eventually I healed so many wounds that I just checked in whenever I felt some triggers were coming that I needed help with. It is soooooo wonderful to go through life now, feeling empowered and grounded in myself, no matter how the other person is feeling. I don’t need “them” to behave in any particular way, to make me feel better anymore. Now, all I need is for them to be themselves and if I get triggered or feel insecure, I immediately go take care of that myself.
I think I said this to you before, but can’t remember for sure, so this is just a reminder. Trust is NOT about the other person. Trust is about trusting YOURSELF that no matter what anyone else does or how they behave, you trust that you will be okay. You will never solve your trust issues by relying on the other person to act a certain way so you can “trust” them. They will ALWAYS lets you down, because they are human. So again, going back to what Kanya just said and all that you just shared….this is about you connecting to that wounded part of you and working with her. That is why a good therapist is so wonderful! They can help you navigate that relationship, help you heal, forgive and release. Life becomes soooooo much easier that way.
I also want to confirm what Kanya is saying as well. He seems to be very connective and interested still, which is great! I know the relationship is not where you want it to be right now, but this gives you the PERFECT opportunity to connect with yourself and start building that relationship with yourself. None of us would ever care about our little selves inside if everything were always perfect. It’s those times when we feel insecure, scared, hurt etc. that we get to know them. This is a real gift for you right now!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
How about a little more detail. Do you feel you have social anxiety? You say you have a difficult time connecting with people in general. Tell us more about that. What EXACTLY do you have a difficult time doing? Keeping a conversation going? You say you go to Meetup groups, so when you are there, do you find yourself more isolated vs. interacting with everyone? When you have been on dates, how would you say they are going?
What do you feel are in those walls? A wall represents fear. Walls are meant for protection from something, so what do you think you are protecting yourself from? Do you know what caused the wall to go up in the first place? Or maybe it’s always been there and it’s just more evident at the moment?
Looking forward to hearing more!
Heidi
Hi Padmini,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges with us!
More detail would be really helpful. What does it mean that you were on and off for about 2 years? Does that mean you have been together as a couple and identified yourselves as such? What is causing you guys to separate and come back together multiple times? Is this his normal pattern for him for he has times where he becomes distant? Why do you feel it is YOU that needs to keep his attention? Maybe it isn’t about you and instead is about something he has going on his life….so I’m wondering if there are things he has said or done that make you think that you are the problem when it comes to keeping his attention.
Looking forward to hearing more!
Heidi
Okay! It sounds like it’s time to take back your control. It IS important to be wanted for sure. However, if that is what is leading you, then as you know, that path will get you in trouble. You never want to give away your power, your value and put in another person’s hands. Meaning, “I am valuable and worth fighting for, if he fights for me….if he wants me.” That is giving HIM the authority to decide whether or not you are valuable. You want to lead with “I am worth fighting for. I am wantable, loveable, desirable whether he sees that about me or not.” When that is your mindset, you are keeping your value solid and grounded in the truth. Does this make sense?
Now…it’s not easy to just do something like this. It’s a process to switch around your mindset, but it sounds like you are ready for something like this. We can absolutely help you down this path with all kinds of ideas and things you can do to strengthen your internal, self love.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
You are doing such a wonderful job!!! You are taking things slower, you are giving him the space to miss you and do a little work to chase you and ask for connection and you are identifying all kinds of triggers you have and where they come from. Wow! Just take a moment and really acknowledge yourself for all the wonderful work you are doing right now…for yourself! You are waking up to a new level and this is soooo important!
It is so interesting what your definition of love is. You know what I have discovered? After 20 some years of asking married couples questions about their relationships….it’s all so different and unique to each couple. One question I always ask is this: What does love feel like for you after 30 years compared to when you first met (or however long they have been married)? The range of answers I have received is so fascinating. Some still get butterflies, some just smile and say “I love being married to….” some say it feels so comfortable and safe, like being wrapped up in a cocoon. Some say it’s a lot of work, but the person is their best friend so it makes it all worth it. My point being…is that love takes on many shapes and feelings that come along with love change and shift throughout the years and how love feels, just depends on the couple. I know plenty of couples that have been married 30+ years and their love is plain, simple and not very exciting. That is not the kind of love I want to experience, but that is their version that is okay for them. There is one couple I love that I see weekly (in the gym) that have been married close to 50 years and they still have that very natural, flirty spark with each other. I can feel the connection between them…it’s very much alive.
Here is a link to the Gottman Institute and their dating blogs. I love this website! He and his wife are HUGE researchers in the science of love, marriage, relationship etc. They offer all kinds of spectacular wisdom from all that they studied. John Gottman did a 20 years study on marriage and what makes it work and last long term (20+ years). What he discovered was really fascinating. Maybe peruse around his website and subscribe to his blog and start to learn more about what love is, dating and relationships etc.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/dating-premarital/
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I know that putting focus on yourself and not him, feel like it would be throwing away your relationship. It actually can have quite the opposite affect! I’m glad to hear you are getting everything in order for yourself and you are exercising and painting. That is sooo important!
Do you think that losing yourself in trying to please him, may have contributed to him wanting to separate?
What do you mean that you lead with your heart? What exactly do you do when you lead with your heart? What is the energy behind it?
What is the contact like between you guys right now? Do you just see him in class and that’s it? Do you guys talk or just ignore each other in class?Heidi
Hi Theresa,
I’m sooo so sorry for having to go through this. It sounds like his life is really messy right now and he just doesn’t have the capacity to get serious with anyone. He admitted to going through a “mid life crisis” and be unhappy. When anyone feels that way, trying to date and be happy is just not very possible. Men struggle with it in a different way than women. Women are such natural connectors and desire connection when things go haywire. Men have more of a tendency to go hide in their cave to think and figure things out before they come back out. It sounds like that is where he might be and this has nothing to do with you. When a man doesn’t have his life figured out and he is standing on solid ground, they can be pretty useless in a relationship. It consumes them!!! So giving him the space he needs in his cave, is really important. Reality is, he is just not emotionally available right now. He needs to get everything in order and get some of his happy ju-ju back, before he can share it with you.
How do you feel about sending him a text similar to this: “I know you are trying to figure out your life and that I don’t quite fit right now. I can respect that, even though it hurts. If you ever decide that at some point, you and I could be an option again, let me know. I’d be open to giving this shot again. I truly hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you find your peace and happiness. You are a pretty incredible man and deserve to enjoy this life!” And after you send something like this, you just let it go. You release what you are holding onto so tight and take steps to move on in your life. He may come back, he may not, but you either way you are not giving him your power to stop you from moving forward without him.
Sending a text like this, lets him know the door is still open, but it is not trying to be friends. Sending friendly texts every once in awhile means you are not really moving on with your life and you will keep trying to get him to connect, when he just isn’t available in the way you want him to be. That’s my thinking at least.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
