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Hi Zobeeda!
Of course you are! There was a lot of negative, intense energy coming at your house from that man. What you do to calm down your son and answer his questions, is to get him very present. I’ve experienced similar things and my mom would always say, “You are safe. Nothing has happened to you. It’s just an angry man. We are okay. Nobody has been hurt. I don’t know why the police didn’t come, but it’s okay. We will think of a different plan for next time. The most important thing, is that you haven’t been hurt, I haven’t been hurt and everything is okay.” You just keep pounding into his head and your head the TRUTH about the situation.
I’m so sorry you don’t feel safe where you are at. It breaks my heart that the police wouldn’t even respond. It’s such a feeling of powerlessness when you don’t have help and you are left to deal with it on your own. There are tapping techniques for fear as well and PTSD. Look them up! And teach your son as well! You can do them together! You have to keep processing and moving these emotions. Our reactions to what shows up in life, are all we have control over anyways.
How are you guys feeling today?
Heidi
Hi Zobeeda,
It’s important to understand the most people are EXTREMELY uncomfortable with pain, especially emotionally. That is the only reason why people are wanting to rush you through your traumas…it’s only because THEY are uncomfortable. Your feelings and emotions reflect something in them they don’t want to feel or deal with…so the best way NOT to feel those things, is to rush you to not feel those things as well. People who are comfortable with ALL of their emotions, are the ones who will be able to help you through this…those kind of people are more difficult to find. I am so sorry you are not finding safety, both physically and emotionally. It makes everything you are feeling, that much more magnified, because you don’t feel supported or safe.
So you have you. You can start to support yourself through this. Do you journal? Do you sing? Do you have any type of creative outlet? What’s important is to start moving the emotions. Feel everything you need, but also allow them to transform and take different shapes. Meaning, you may start out angry, but through different techniques, it may shift into hurt, then into tears, then back to anger, then to compassion etc. What is important is that it is moving. There is also a tapping technique you can use that is soooo powerful at helping emotions to move out of the body to get you more connected to the truth. It’s called TFT or EFT. There are a TON of videos on youtube for these techniques. Here is one of them:
Tapping works! Sometimes it takes tapping all day to really feel shifts. Sometimes you can feel instant change. Either way, it a technique I have used for 20 years and use with all my clients and it definitely has to power to help you shift into higher vibrations. Again, depending on the intensity of emotions you are dealing with, will depend on how much tapping you need to do. Look up other videos on tapping that resonate with you. It’s a powerful tool!
Another thought I had was, since for now, you are staying inside, what about looking things up on the internet about self defense. I always encourage people to at least learn the basics, including how to spot a potential attack. There have been a TON of studies on the components of what happens BEFORE an attack and what people can pay attention to. Maybe something like this will help you feel more empowered. Just a thought.
You are resilient Zobeeda. You are strong to allow yourself to feel everything you need to and then to pick yourself back up and learn more. You are going to heal. You are going to create a different kind of life for yourself. It takes time, but you are on the path now.
Heidi
Hi Jocelyn!
I can see why you are confused. The program offers ideas and situations. The hard part here is, every single situation is so different. Every situation has dynamics that are uncontrollable and not able to be influenced. Reality is, no matter what you do, no matter the techniques you throw at this…HE is the unpredictable component here. He has to respond. You can ignite all you want, but he still has to choose to respond. I have seen many situations where the man was presented with a choice and they still chose to walk away. So it’s important to understand, that although these techniques and this program are powerful and works a lot, it’s not 100% full proof. Nothing is. My guess is, Kanya was saying the letter won’t work in your case. It’s less about the fact that you guys are maybe broken up and more about his apathetic responses to you, that can make this technique less powerful. You are chasing after a guy who isn’t showing you that he is really invested, so trying to activate his hero instinct through this kind of letter, may actually end not giving you the response you are looking for.
So let’s break this down here, so you can help us understand a little more. You said that you know he wants to connect, but is too afraid. How do you know this? We can definitely activate his hero instinct, but it’s important to find what he will respond to. So you think that he is afraid about how you are feeling? Maybe he doesn’t want to get confronted by you, so he is avoiding?? Is this correct?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I am so very sorry. I know you are hurt. Let’s look at the real issue here. Would you consider that it isn’t about the ex? It sounds like it really is about how he is treating you. If it weren’t the ex, it would be something else. What is happening, is that you are seeing how he handles your feelings when it goes against something that he wants. The more you push him to what you want, I imagine the more he may dig in with what he wants.
If you think about it, you both are doing the same exact thing with each other. You want what you want, which is for him to give up his ex, and he wants what he wants, which is to stay friends with his ex. You BOTH have wants and needs that contradict each other and neither of you is willing to budge. Would you be willing to look at this from a different perspective? What if nobody was right or wrong here. What if you looked at this as if it’s just a difference of opinion, a difference of needs and get curious about the DEEPER aspects at play here.
So there are 2 ways to look deeper. First, I would want to know, what is REALLY happening for him. My guess is, he most likely is staying connected to her, because he loves the connection and feeling wanted – most likely this is happening on a subconscious level though. He is a perpetual relationship guy, so subconsciously he may be keeping her around in case you guys don’t work out. That’s my guess. I can imagine you understand this on some level, since you said you are the same way and get involved with someone very quickly…yes?? So…if this is true for him, then he is just really afraid and more making a decision out of a survival kind of mindset – but again…most of this is probably coming from the subconscious…I doubt he has any awareness around it.
The second way to look deeper is inside of yourself. You ALSO are working from a place of fear….your fear of losing him. That is why you keep pushing him to tell her and that is why you are wanting him to disconnect. You don’t feel completely secure in the relationship either. So that is another thing you both have in common as well….your fear. Can you maybe find it in yourself to have compassion and understanding for him? I wonder what has happened in his life that would make him so afraid of being alone? What has happened in your life that would make you so afraid of being alone? Being alone means you both would have to feel things that you don’t want to feel…right?
Taking this perspective gets you more connected to the underlying TRUTH of the situation that is driving the behavior….so instead of getting all wrapped up in the behavior, get wrapped up into what is driving the behavior. This can help you understand, first of all, that it’s not personal. His behavior has NOTHING to do with you. Second, you guys are feeling exactly the same, but just expressing it in different ways. You are on one end and he is on the other.
How does this perspective make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
This is great! He saw you working on something you struggle with in the gym and he immediately came over to your rescue…lol! And then he kept texting you while there. That’s so funny! How did it end? Did you feel the interactions went well through texting? Did you feel chemistry or was it just plain and simple?
This is such a great way to build friendship. Like Kanya said…he isn’t ready for anything serious. 24 years is a loooong time. This really is just a bad timing kind of thing.
Something that can help is to give yourself some other options, to keep you entertained and distracted. Are you meeting other people? Going on any dates?
Heidi
Hi Liliya!
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenges with us. What you are going through is so very difficult and I am sooo sorry. It’s hurts terribly to love someone and not have it returned.
I just have a few questions. When does he return? When you guys talk every month or so, who is initiating contact? And when you guys do talk, how long are you exchanging messages for?
As far as his reaction to your concerns, I’m so sorry to say this, but he was most likely looking for a good reason to breakup even before you said it. Your concerns about cheating were just the door that opened that up. My guess is, he was not happy in the relationship prior to what you said. You being depressed sounds like it really took a toll on him. I’m also guessing that going abroad was shifting his mindset. You guys are so young! It is not unusual for the spirit to want freedom to explore and experience life to it’s fullest. Maybe in his mind, it was just time to let go of the relationship. You guys have been long distance for soooo long. It makes it extremely difficult to really, truly and deeply bond. Deep bonding happens from time being spent together, creating memories together and merging your worlds. That never happened for you guys, because of the distance. It get VERY difficult to keep the fire going in a relationship. That may also be another reason he needed to end things. No matter the real reason, from how he is behaving, I’m not seeing him interested in getting back together. It doesn’t mean it can’t happen, it just means it might be time to get realistic and allow your heart to heal. I know how much it hurts. I know the rollercoaster and I know the feelings of not being able to let go and finding every way possible to get out of pain and looking to the guy to be that solution. There is a way through that pain. There is another side where you are no long hurting and you have healed and have a wonderful life without him. You just have to make that choice. As long as you keep feeding that fantasy, you will never heal. It’s about closing the door and creating closure for yourself.
I know this is not what you want to do. I know you want him back desperately. There are no guarantees, but you can try this one approach to see if he responds. It will be difficult, but it may work.
The goal is to get him to start chasing you. Right now, you are chasing him. When you guys talk on messenger, I’m not sure if you are doing this, but you want to make it sound like your life is pretty wonderful. Is it? What kinds of fun things are you doing for yourself? Are you meeting new people, doing new fun activities etc? If not, it’s time to start creating that for yourself! Where are you at with the depression? Do you feel like you have gotten through it or are you still dealing with it?
This is the first place to start. Go ahead and answer all of my questions and then we can guide you from there….
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
Ask him for help with that machine! Or…you can watch an exercise he is doing and then go say, “It looks like that might be working the shoulders…is that accurate? Can you teach me about this exercise?” It’s a great entry into a conversation. You can also ask, “do you know some good exercises to help get the low back stronger? I’ve researched online, but I never really know what to trust, so I thought I’d ask you…”
How does that approach feel?
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
This is a REALLY big deal for men in a way that is very different for a woman. For men, it is their inherent nature to want to be able to provide. When this aspect gets taken away from them, there is sooo much internal struggle and it can really deplete a man’s self esteem. How they respond to that kind of stress, is different for everyone. Social media may be providing a distraction for him…a way to feel a little better. I hope he is not mis-using it.
He needs more pleasure in his life. he needs to laugh. He needs to connect to what IS possible and keep his attention on what IS working vs. what isn’t working. Are there movies you can watch together that are inspiring? Articles you can leave for him? Songs that help with motivation? Podcasts he might listen to for encouragement? Books he might be willing to read?
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
This is a great question. There are downsides and upsides. First, it’s not really “friendship” because there are still romantic feelings involved combined with all kinds of other emotions, so it’s not really a friendship. It will be very easy to fall back into old patterns, it becomes a “gray” area…where you don’t really know how to act or feel or be around each other in a friends type of way, because there are so many other feelings involved…so the downside is…it can get real messy and a lot of hurt feelings can happen because of it. The upside, it can improve communication, it can be a time to just takes things slow and figure things out, it can be a time to step back and re-evaluate.
How it goes depends on BOTH of you being good at communicating and really making sure you are on the same page about how to approach even being friends and what it means to each of you.
Does this help?
Heidi
These are great questions!
We are all so different aren’t we? I think that’s the most difficult part about navigating whole dating / relationship thing. Soooo many different kinds of reactions, perspectives, coping skills etc. It can get really confusing for sure.
Keep going with the flow. Let him keep coming to you. You can initiate wanting to see him in more indirect ways by saying things like, “It always make me feel really good when I see your smile.” or “I have the best times when we hang out together. You make me laugh and help me to see the world through a different lens.” I don’t know if you feel comfortable talking to him in that way, but basically, it’s a little flirting mixed with reminding him how good he makes you feel when IN PERSON. Does this make sense?? What do you think about this approach?
Heidi
Here is a video that I like that even explains femininity in a very simple way. I’m not sure how much you have really explored feminine energy and the depths of it, so this may be too simple for you…Let me know!
How does exploring this topic feel for you? Interested? wanna go in a different direction?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You are doing some wonderful work!!! Wow!!!
It feels like the next place for you to really start connecting with is your divine feminine energy. What I mean by this, is really getting to know the feminine qualities, the power within you, physically, spiritually, sexually, mentally….ALL aspects. It sounds like you are really connected to some parts and not with others…which makes you, as a woman, presenting only partially together. Don’t get me wrong, we all have holes. So it’s good to be aware of where those holes are and start to fill them in, so we are more unified and congruent when we express ourselves.
Hi Nicole,
It is so very brave of you to really begin examining how you showed up in your relationship. It is always uncomfortable to see where you could have been a better partner and to know how you contributed to things ending.
First and foremost, make sure you are not beating yourself up about it. That just makes it all worse. The best thing you can do is to have compassion for yourself, for him and a patience for the process of learning. You both have been doing the very best that you know how. And because of everything that has happened, you now know better.
Do you know why you were being controlling? Where does it come from? Is this a common pattern you have had in your past relationships? Do you know how to correct that?
Heidi
Hi Kayla,
I’m a little bit confused. He is friends with benefits with you, for a few years now and he also has another person he is committed to, off and on? If yes, how long have they been doing their thing? And would you say it is a committed relationship kind of thing, or another friends with benefits kind of thing? Does the other woman live near him?
How far apart are you guys? How often do you see each other? Do you communicate frequently through text or calls?
Offering as much detail as possible is helpful. It will better guide us as to how to help you.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
