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I’m happy to help! YES YES YES! You got it! Focus on one step at a time. I totally get it though where you want it all right now. Life would be so much easier that way, right?
Here are a few ways to understand how we work as people. There is a 3 step process for healing. 1. Knowledge: you educated yourself about the what and why about your choices, feelings, behaviors etc. as well as the direction you want to head in and how to get there. 2. The healing path: Once you understand and have the knowledge about yourself, you then take the ACTION to work with those wounded parts and the parts where you feel “fractured.” This means therapy, techniques, accountability groups etc. then FINALLY step 3. Become a person of wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge in ACTION.
Let me explain this a little further. Knowledge is just involving the mind. Wisdom – which is the goal – is BEING that knowledge. For a super simple example….I could tell you all about how to make the most AMAZING chocolate chip cookies on the face of this planet. I could give you the recipe, tell you about the smell, the taste, the texture and all the details. You could know about these cookies sooooo well that you could even turn around and go sell these cookies to someone else. BUT…you truly don’t have the wisdom of these cookies until you actually taste one. Once you taste one, it becomes wisdom – because the knowing then turns into experience which turns into wisdom. Here is a real life example: when I was younger, if I got stood up on a date, I would feel so rejected and hurt and I would take a BIG hit to my self-esteem. I KNEW in my mind that it had nothing to do with me. I KNEW in my mind that I was lovable and worth knowing, even if that guy didn’t agree. But even though I KNEW the truth, it didn’t change that I had an emotional reaction that was completely different than what I knew. Over the years, with all the healing work I’ve done, I can now BE what I KNOW. Which means, if a guy stood me up on a date today, yes…I of course would feel rejected and my ego would be bruised, but that’s about it because I AM the truth now. I know AND feel that I am valuable and worth getting to know…so my reactions, behaviors and thoughts are aligned with what I know which equals WISDOM. To get from that place of knowing the truth and becoming the truth, is a process. There is a lot of healing work that needs to be done, to remove the blocks that prevent you from being wisdom. And this 3 step path is a forever thing. I cycle through this path a gazillion times a year and will do so forever. But each time I cycle through it, I become stronger and stronger and stronger. So be patient with yourself. Fill yourself with the knowledge through those books, videos, seminars etc. but get into ACTION right away which techniques to help you heal and BECOME what you know.
Let’s keep talking! I enjoy connecting with you.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
It makes a lot of sense about the TV thing. Here is a way you can approach that down that road. It’s best to talk about it AWAY from the situation – like over lunch or something – and come to an agreement. Let him know that turning on the TV while you are talking is not okay for you. If he would like to watch TV, just to let you know BUT…it will really help to plan 1 or 2 nights a week where you spend time together NOT watching TV. The part where it can get challenging, is he wants to watch TV and you want to connect. It IS a disconnect when he turn it on while trying to talk to you. If he really wanted it just for the light, he could put it on mute and continue talking with you. If he still gets distracted, then get a different lamp. I know for me personally, I CANNOT concentrate on any type of conversation when the TV is on and I will always be like that…so I have to honor that about myself and know that I’m a horrible listener with the TV on. LOL. The goal here is about finding a middle ground where you both meet your needs. Is this helpful? Does this make sense?
So what happened that everything went back to normal? Did he reach out? Were you guys able to talk through your situation?
It sounds like you both are emotionally invested in each other. Do you want to be serious with this guy? I’m sure he would like the same with you, but the reality is, with the level of anxiety he has, it’s always going to sabotage connection – it will always get in the way…just like you know how your anxious reactions ruin connection. If anything is going to work long-term with this guy, he has to be the type that is willing to grow and FACE his anxiety by DOING something about it. What kinds of actions is he taking to deal with it? If he is not in action, then a serious relationship with him is going to be quite tumultuous. Is this what you want? I know the connection is strong, but chemistry does not equal compatibility. This is more about you really looking at how you both function together as a couple and whether or not that is what you want. You DO NOT want to choose this guy based on the potential. He deserves to be loved and accepted JUST AS HE IS. So do you feel like you could be happy with him in 10 years if nothing changed?
When it comes to deciding whether you should open the door to this other guy, it’s more about what kind of person you want to be. Even though nothing has been officially discussed about being exclusive, you both have quite an emotional investment in each other. So it would hurt him to find out you went out with another guy and you know that. But also having that “commitment” conversation with him could add pressure that may increase his anxiety. But it doesn’t seem like you really want to go out with this other guy though. Am I right? Or is there a little interest for you?
Heidi
You are making complete sense! Thank you for sharing. You know, you seem to write really well. Even though you go blank in conversation, you do a great job writing your thoughts and feelings, so it’s in you for sure!
I know it can be extremely overwhelming with all the new information. Here is where I suggest you start. Just yourself. Do not focus on others…like romance, attraction etc. Focus on you and increasing your confidence. As you grow in that area, it will impact everything else AND it’s the most important aspect of your life.
Get to know yourself. Have you ever committed to journaling on a daily basis? This has been a very popular and helpful approach https://a.co/d/6BBQbIx It’s called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron (just in case the link doesn’t work). I also think the book I already recommended would be great for you. You need to connect to the beauty and power that lives within you AND develop some skills that can help you deal with the intense emotions you are having. Sound healing is powerful. Jonathon Goldman has some great YouTube videos with sound healing music. I listen to something every single night as I am going to sleep. Also look up EFT on youtube. EFT is a powerful technique I have used for years to pull me out of that dark pit of emotions. Here is a website of a guy who has a lot of tools for Tapping: https://eftuniverse.com/eft-tapping-how-to-video-with-dawson-church/
You have got to start saturating yourself with good stuff. Every single day, many times a day. Since you cannot afford to hire a therapist right now, you need to fill yourself with all kinds of good info. One of the BEST ways to build your self-esteem is by accomplishing things. Even the smallest task counts. When you take a shower, say good job! Tell yourself “I like that I did my dishes tonight.” “I like that I help the animals.” “I like that I showed up to work today.” “I like that I am interested in growth and wanting to get better.” Again…it’s CRUCIAL that you start to put some good thoughts into your life. You get to choose which energy you want to serve…depression or gratitude…and that choice can happen 100x a day…either giving into the thoughts of what you are not OR magnifying the thoughts that are ALSO true about what you DO have. This is the very beginning Kristy. And then you read books that equip you with new knowledge and skills that will continue to support your growth. So if what I recommended doesn’t resonate for you, let me know! I am happy to recommend other ones. Let go of all the other books you are looking at, because those are focused on the “other” and you need to focus purely on you. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling empowered! I love that you were able to connect to your fears about being vulnerable, own it and embrace it. Well done! It sounds like you spoke your truth and now whatever happens next is going to be okay. I really hope he has a response that joins you in trying to do things differently.
With that said…how are you going to be different? Neither of you like having all this anxiety and it doesn’t just go away. So on your end, what’s your plan about how to show up differently? How are you planning on dealing with your fears in a more healthy way?
I also admitted that I shut down when he turned on the tv because I’ve always associated that with intentional disconnect. I was devastated, and it made me feel far away from him when we were together. I’m curious…where does this association come from? I imagine he is just turning on the tv to watch it, right? He isn’t turning it on during the middle of a conversation, is he? That’s a bit of a different scenario that would support your feeling of him intentionally disconnecting.
Heidi
Look at what you are able to do with everything you are dealing with! You keep saying you don’t have any self confidence, but it takes confidence to do all the work you are doing. You are showering and brushing your teeth daily for a few weeks now and THAT COUNTS! You are fighting for yourself. That is what you celebrate Kristy. If all you focus on is what you DO NOT have, then you will stay depressed. Focusing on what you DO have adds up!!! Every day, give yourself some love for showering and brushing your teeth, for showing up for those animals, for doing working on your Masters degree…you have A LOT of great things you are doing that require confidence!
He was intelligent and a highly motivated person with loads of self-confidence. He does not have the kind of self-confidence that is healthy. He has the kind of “fake” confidence that is based on his external world and like you have already experienced, when the outside world falls apart, the inside world falls apart. Plus, people who have strong narcissistic tendencies have a false kind of confidence that is actually quite harmful. So he is not as confident as you think he is. I know he has a lot of qualities that help him be successful in life, but the quality YOU have that he does not, is heart. You are caring and don’t want to cause harm. He was very disrespectful towards you and NOT caring with how he handled everything. I would much rather deal with your heart, than his narcissism.
He knew what he wanted in life. Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of them. Thank goodness you weren’t one of them. He would have swallowed you up and over time, completely deteriorated any self confidence you do have. He is not someone who is set up to be intimate and deeply connective with his partner. He was NOT a good match for you long term.
I feel like I am socially awkward because I don’t communicate well. I have no self-confidence and no passion for anything other than music and animals. When you give 1 word answers, do you feel you have nothing more to say or you get scared of being judged for what you say? What is happening in your mind when someone asks you a question? What is the main fear that stops you from talking?
I would like to get back into it, but I need self-confidence first. In order to do that I really need to lose some weight This kind of confidence is not different than what you did with this guy…you felt better BECAUSE of him, instead of feeling good about yourself, just because of who you are. You DO NOT need to lose weight in order to start singing again. There are PLENTY of famous people who many would consider overweight – Adelle, Oprah, Queen Latifah, Christina Aguilera etc…they all have fluctuated in their weight. Who cares! They still show up on TV and entertain all of us with their brilliant voices, ideas and skillset.
I just feel that if I do meet Mr. Right, I don’t have much to offer other than care and attention. I don’t think I would benefit anyone in my current state Yes, you have a lot you are dealing with. A really good version of Mr. Right will be better suited for you when you feel better about yourself and your life. Otherwise, the state you are in right now will just attract a man who preys on your vulnerabilities. You want a man who values your strength, your heart, your fight, and WANTS you to be confident.
Are the self-help books that you are reading, helping you?
Heidi
Hi Cindi!
Welcome! I’m so glad you are here! There is so much that you BOTH are dealing with and it is really helpful to get some extra eyes on the situation to bring some clarity and ideas. So let’s dig in! There are a lot of things to say, so let’s keep this conversation going…
I don’t want to screw this up. I want to start with this statement here, because it’s important for you to recognize this thought process that is a lie and showing you a BIG fear that you have. You know what the truth is? Relationships and love are a risk…we ALL mess up ALL THE TIME…and what causes a relationship to end is far beyond any single moment that happens. What causes a breakup are a BUNCH of things…breakups are multi-layered – and in the end – it’s one or both people not being able to accept the limitations that exist within the other person or relationship. So…if things don’t work out between you guys, it’s not because YOU screwed things up – it will be because there are things happening between BOTH of you that are bigger than the connection you have with each other.
You both are carrying a lot of anxiety – which is fear about the future. Do you understand where your anxiety comes from? Have you ever really worked on it? How do you typically manage your anxiety and fears?
Here is the thing Cindi…you both are in for a serious rollercoaster ride being together. The amount of fear and how you both are handling it with each other is going to cause more damage and drama than the good things between you guys. You BOTH need to learn a different way to manage your feelings and anxiety so neither of you causes more harm. No matter how strong the connection and chemistry and bond is between you both, the anxiety and fear WILL WIN and sabotage the connection. So before trying to figure out the relationship, the anxiety has to be dealt with individually so it becomes much more manageable. Does this make sense?
If I were you, I would say something to the effect of, “We both are afraid and that’s normal. Love is a risk and there is no way around that. We will both be triggered a lot as we explore this connection we have and it’s scary. For me, my choice is to face my fears. I want to handle my fears by letting them come up and dealing with them and mastering them. I am never NOT going to be afraid, but I want to be the kind of partner that will not let fear decide for me. So that means I am willing to explore what we have, continue to talk things out – but I’d like to learn WITH you, how we can both communicate better, how we can work with our fears in a healthy way and to just see where this goes. One day at a time. We can both better learn how to live in the present moment instead of being so afraid about things that haven’t even happened yet. We are both strong enough to handle whatever shows up in our lives, so how about we just focus on the day we are in and find the joy and connection in each moment?”
And I would suggest you BOTH spend some time talking about how to help each other work through the fears that show up – instead of running from them. That is..if he is interested.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Leslie,
It sounds like a bit of a rollercoaster between you guys. I love that you are wanting to establish trust and connection again, so I hope you have some good patience! This one may take quite a bit of time…but that can be a really good thing!
How long were him and his ex together? Do you know why they broke up? How long have they been separated? My guess is, he is still grieving the loss of her, which leads me to believe they may have been together for quite a while. This is why it may take quite a bit of time before his heart is open to experiencing you. What is REALLY important here, is to be very careful. You DO NOT want to be the rebound girl. His heart needs to feel complete about his ex. As long as he holds onto any hurt, anger or love for her, he is NOT available for you. So go slow with him and be very careful that you do not become his “feel good” bandaid for any leftover stuff he hasn’t processed about his ex. Does this make sense?
In the meantime, focus on building your friendship together. I love that you are just keeping things light and fun…that’s exactly what he needs! Stay light, friendly and slowly let the trust build. Your goal is for him to feel good every time you guys have an interaction. Laugh, start to create inside jokes, send funny videos and build from that space first and foremost. THEN…you can slowly build more intimacy over time…LITTLE BITS at a time. By intimacy, I mean emotional intimacy…like you sharing something personal with him or asking him for advice about something in your life etc. This is how you build friendship over time…and building that kind of connection can really help a guy feel safe to connect, especially when he most likely is still dealing with the many layers of a breakup.
I know you feel some chemistry there, but if you want this connection with him to have meaning, DO NOT let the chemistry lead you down the path of a one night stand or something surface…unless you are okay with that.
I’m also wondering…will this affect your work at all? I know workplace romances and really cause quite a bit of upheaval, so if you guys do get together, will it impact your job? Not sure how big your company is or if your jobs intersect. Is your job safe, no matter how things turn out with this guy?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh this makes a lot of sense. He has witnessed a lot of trauma in his life combined with having a role model that terrified him. Dads are supposed to show their sons how to be a man in this world and he was shown abuse and addiction. Yikes! I imagine he also heard his dad say many negative things about women, his mother etc. And then to have to watch his brother go through his wife committing suicide….wow!
Do you see the connection? Love is NOT safe. He is terrified of being hurt and also of hurting you – or whomever he loves. He doesn’t trust love. Do you see now why you cannot help him face this and why he will never be able to fall in love on a deep level until he faces his fears? He has so much baggage and it’s protecting him from being too invested in anyone.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Virginie,
Oh I’m am so so sorry for your heartbreak. You sound incredibly confused and it’s awful to lose the man you love and not really have a clear understanding as to what happened. It’s such a powerless feeling and it’s so scary to have him create more distance from you. Ouch!!
So he just said he couldn’t do this anymore and wouldn’t give you any details? You said you have an idea of the collective challenges that may have caused him to want to break up. What are those challenges?
It’s incredibly hard to get back together with someone when they flat out will not talk to you about it. I’m guessing he is really afraid. People who put that wall up and won’t discuss the challenges, are afraid and don’t trust they will be able to hold strong to their needs, whatever those are. Looking back now, do you see the signs of him not being happy, leading to the breakup? Whenever you guys had an argument, was he not very good about talking through those with you? I’m wondering if him disconnecting like this is a pattern for him or is this the first time he has done this?
I imagine you guys still have to stay connected because you bought a house together, so there are some financial ties, yes?
Heidi
My apologies! Here is the book I referenced https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
I am not particularly good at communicating. I what way? There are sooooo many ways that we all talk with each other. Do you struggle with regular conversation? Do you struggle with asking questions? Do you struggle answering questions? Do you struggle talking about yourself? What are the specific struggles for your? Are there any type of conversations that DO enjoy? You really liked this guy, so what did you guys talk about? Was conversation awkward with him?
It really sounds like you struggle quite a bit in your life and I imagine that causes you to keep your world very small and not go do new things so you can meet new people and expand your world. Is it because you struggle with communication that you feel you are socially awkward? Are there other things you do or feel that make you feel socially awkward?
All I seem to focus on are my downfalls, my troubled past, and why it all went so horribly wrong. Have you ever thought about volunteering somewhere where you get to help others in need? A shelter, a dog shelter where you walk the dogs, a horse rescue place, the mentally challenged, hospitals etc. First, working with animals is INCREDIBLY healing a lot of times because their ability to love us unconditionally is magical. They won’t care that you can’t talk or feel awkward. They just need you to see them, connect with them, be their leader and keep them safe. Animals will definitely push you too – requiring more from you and volunteering with animals is a great way to interact with them without taking on the full financial and emotional requirements. Second, working with people who are facing challenges, helps expand your viewpoint. Let’s say you go to a hospital and meet a woman who is dying of cancer. I’m guessing that meeting her, can help you easily find aspects of your life that you are thankful for. When you keep your world very small, how will you ever be able to combat those stories you have running in your mind about yourself and your life? Also, volunteering can help you learn about yourself…the areas that you ARE pretty great! Your strengths, how you can actually help others and how good that feels.
Do you ever exercise? If not, start moving your body immediately. That will help shift the chemicals in your brain AND start to help you feel much stronger physically, which will help you emotionally. There are MANY videos on YouTube that are simple exercise programs you can do at home. If that’s too much, then go for a walk and get out into nature. There is a thing called “nature bathing” that can be quite healing. When you interact with nature…smell the smells, touch the textures, walk barefoot on the grass, have a sandwich next to a lake…these kinds of activities have been proven to impact us in amazing ways and bring healing.
As far as finding activities that may interest you, you can start with things like: Do you like to be inside or outside? Do you like to be creative? Do you like to sit still or be more active? Are there certain activities that you feel would be fun to try but too scared to try them? There are more non-social things you can try in the comfort of your own home like cooking/baking, dancing, painting, crocheting etc. I don’t know if any of these questions really help. It’s hard over this platform to know what is best to ask you.
Look on youtube for Tedx talks. There are TONS of talks from people who have struggled in their life, just like you, and they found a way through. Use them as role models – find people who inspire you and lift you up and listen their stories. There are specific movies I watch when I am down, because the characters fight for what they want and it reminds me that I can fight for myself too. Are there any movies that you can think of that help you that way? Watch them! A lot!!
Bottom line is, you are in trouble and need some help. Yes, you can try and find a coach. My impression is that you don’t have the kind of money to spend on a Coach, but if you do, I’d suggest paying a professional with that money instead. I imagine there are Therapists or Psychiatrists who take private clients who do not come from the “system,” yes?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
First, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are really embracing the truth about this guy. You have no idea how strong you are. Do you realize how many people that I coach that it takes DAYS and sometimes WEEKS just for them to be able to truly SEE the person they chose? The fantasy is so darn strong! Most people are not willing to see the not so good about the person they chose because they want to hold onto them for dear life.
And you….you embraced the truth about him sooooo fast! In order to do that, a person has to have self-esteem and strength within in to really accept the truth. You have so much more inside of you than you give yourself credit for. You are on a good path!
Since you are already on medication, maybe talk to your doctor about adjusting them? And then immediately get yourself on whatever list you need to, so you can get some help from a professional. The trauma from your childhood is running your life still. That’s the hardest part of about trauma…even though it’s not happening anymore, your system is continuously reliving it over and over and over again…so your past is still very much in the present. Getting help to process your past, can help free you up to enjoy all that life has to offer you RIGHT NOW. There is a lot, but there is so much gunk in the way for you right now, that you are not able to connect to it. Are there any support groups you can try? Getting yourself connected with others can also help.
You need a plan of action to help yourself. You have to find a way to give yourself some hope that there is a way out of this pain and a plan would help you. So what can you do to help yourself right now? What are the ways you can fight for more in your life?
I like this book a lot. At the end, she offers some techniques to work with pain. She is fabulous! If she doesn’t resonate for you, there are a lot more I can offer. One thing I like to do when depression starts to increase, is FILL my mind with other voices full of truth, so the lies in my mind are being counteracted. So I have my people that are my go to’s where I listen to their podcasts, read their books, watch their videos etc. Fill yourself up with good information EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! You are worth fighting for. You have a light within you that deeply wants to shine and touch others. Grow that light inside of you and know that it will touch many lives in such a beautiful way!
Heidi
I understand why he lied. Who would want to tell a person they were starting a relationship with that they were still in love with their ex? Yes, it’s scary to be honest AND you do it anyways. Someone who has the strength to be authentic and integral, tells the truth, no matter the cost BECAUSE they care about being in their integrity…they care about how they affect another person…they care about being honest. So this guy is NOT that. Yes, I understand why he lied too AND he is a coward.
All I had for myself was my self-confidence and he shattered that. I am 46 years of age. Single with no children. I feel that my purpose in life has all but gone Here is the tough part Kristina…when you build your self-esteem through someone else, it’s very unstable because when that other person lets you down, you break – as you are currently feeling. Building TRUE self-esteem means YOU are the one that builds it yourself – and that is something you can NEVER lose because you stay empowered instead of giving your power away to someone else, like you did with this guy. So that means, when someone rejects you, yes it hurts and yes the ego takes a hit AND you still know how to find your center, your value, your beauty, your worth. This is something I had to really work on beginning in my 20s. My childhood was extremely dark and saturated with trauma, so as you can imagine, I was completely broken. I used sex as a way to get attention and build my self-esteem and every time a guy rejected me, I felt shattered. There is a way out of this though Kristina. You have to choose to fight for more…because there is sooooooo much more for you. Your purpose in life is NOT wrapped around a guy. You really want to give him THAT much power in your life that he is able to steal your purpose, your smile, your joy? NO! No one deserves that kind of power! You fight for more!
It’s hard to celebrate anything after the life that I have had. Maybe celebrate is a strong word. Encourage yourself every time you do something. When you get up and go to the bathroom, you say “Good job. You are taking care of your body.” When you put food in your mouth, you say “Thank you for getting food into your body.” Acknowledge the smallest things and say thank you. You are in a place right now where every little bit matters.
My first suggestion is to get to a psychiatrist IMMEDIATELY. You are dealing with some big depression that is taking over control of everything you are feeling. You need some help. When depression is at this level, medication can help shift the chemical imbalance. That is not something you can do on your own. GET SOME HELP immediately! I have no doubt the psychiatrist will know a local group, a local therapist or coach that would be able to help you process all the hurt you are carrying around. It’s best to find someone local who is able to support you in person. Look for a support group too! It’s an amazing place to find friends and community who understand what you are going through.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Michelle!
I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. It is incredibly difficult to watch the love of your life walk out and completely disconnect. I’m sure your heart is really hurting and you are trying to find ways to make the pain go away.
It sounds like you are probably right about him being afraid of commitment. Do you have any understanding about what his childhood was like? What did his parents role model for him?
This is really important for you to understand. His commitment fears are not something YOU can help him fix. I know you want to of course, but when fear is THIS big, he is the only one who can truly deal with it. Even if you were to somehow get back together, you guys would end up right back where you are right now. The stories, the lies, the fears that are running his life are much bigger than any love he feels for you or anyone else – and that means that if he is ever going to change that dynamic, he has to step into his fears and work with them, work with the stories he has running in his system about love and intimacy and start to make some different decisions. This level of fear is NOT something that can be fixed by simply him making a different decision and you are there to support him through it. This is a fear he has lived with every day for many, many years and it will only continue to grow and get stronger as time goes on until he decides to deal with it. That is HIS journey and until he does that, he will not be able to take a long love journey with anyone.
This has nothing to do with you and is not something you can help him fix. If he is going to be a good partner for anyone, he has to face himself first. Otherwise, he will just keep disconnecting and sabotaging and leave you hanging. For a relationship to work long term, BOTH people need to have the strength and self-esteem to face their fears otherwise it will never last. Love is the most powerful trigger in existence and it will unearth everything we all love to hide from. It sounds like he is just not the kind of person who is willing to face his fears and that means he does not have what it takes to be the love of your life long term.
I know this is not what you want to hear. Your heart is hurting and you want him back. The no contact approach is your best bet at getting him back. Why? Because he has to be in enough pain to finally make a different choice. I’m not sure he will allow himself to feel the deep loss of you though. If he said he fell out of love with you 3 months ago, then his system shut down – and when that happens…he is truly TERRIFIED, but doesn’t even know it. I used to be like that. I at least had a mother who pointed it out and I had enough awareness to recognize my pattern. And I will tell you from experience as well as what we know about how the psyche works…when someone shuts off love…they are in an incredible amount of fear and carrying a TON of baggage full of pain, hurt, trauma etc.
For this guy to be 39 and still afraid of love and commitment, tells you that he would rather stay in relationship with his baggage and all the fear that is ruining his life – than to face it and feel love.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
As much as your heart is hurting, you are courageous. You took a chance again, after some very intense traumas and even though this guy didn’t work, he still was a better choice than your last ex, right? That reflects your growth! Have compassion for yourself. You have been through a lot and your heart is hurting again and it’s normal and it’s okay! You have a GIANT heart and that means that one of the MOST IMPORTANT skills you could ever learn for yourself, is how to protect it…and you started that process already.
I know you are in a place of hurting again, which is a wonderful reminder of how you don’t ever want to feel this way again…and that makes you much more discerning. You don’t have to think about opening up again right now. You just need to love yourself through this and be kind to yourself. He had a lot of wonderful qualities that you loved getting to experience AND it’s actually VERY VERY normal for women, in particular, to ignore the red flags. We are built to be connectors…it’s in our DNA…so we end up choosing the beauty of connection, regardless of the red flags. We ALL have this tendency to make excuses for the red flags we see…and then we end up where you are now…with a broken heart. So what you did was VERY normal and now…it’s time to heal again and become even stronger. You made it through your last experience and this time is NOTHING compared to what you already went through…so you can do this!! One day at a time.
Finding a therapist is always a great idea! If you are interested, I’m happy to share my Coach’s info. with you. She is BRILLIANT with this kind of stuff and her methods work very fast – as long as you are open and ready to heal. She works with people all over the country via video or phone. Let me know if you want her number and I’ll email it to you.
Otherwise, every single day, look around and find things you can be grateful for…to help counteract the depression, the hurt, the hopelessness etc. If that’s all you look at, it’s sooooo easy to sink and then not want to be here anymore. So EVERY SINGLE DAY…celebrate even the smallest thing. You can walk, you are not in a wheelchair, you are able to think because you don’t have Alzheimers, you are able to take a shower whenever you want because you don’t live in a 3rd world country….there are soooooo many things to be thankful for. Fight for more Kristy. You are worth it! Even though this guy doesn’t think so, HE doesn’t get to decide that for you. DO NOT give him the power to decide your value!!! Ask for help from your friends and have them tell you about your greatness, your beautiful heart, your kindness, your strength, your courage, your ability to deeply connect and be a good listener…and so much more.
Stay connected here and keep writing and vent, ask questions, ask for encouragement, as for help…we are here too. You are NOT alone!!!
Heidi
Hi Gee,
It sounds like although this is hard, you are at peace about the process and in a space of trust and acceptance. This is wonderful and the most powerful mindset to have anytime there are changes. Well done! He is lucky to have you and vice versa.
I also want to encourage you to stay connected to your process as well. Going from loving him romantically to being best friends is NOT something that can truly happen. It takes time to heal from the loss, which requires separation. Best friends is a level of intimacy that will keep romantic feelings alive. So just be aware of the path you both are on. It may become too much for you to stay connected and be there for him or vice versa. Or it may be okay. Who knows. Just make sure to be honest with yourself and take one day at a time. You both have been connected for soooooo long and even though you guys are breaking up, staying best friends is a way to avoid the true separation and pain of the loss of each other. So just be aware that stepping back into “best friends” is going to hurt. What if he starts dating someone else? Or what if he is less responsive than normal? Or what if he holds back more than he used to? It’s going to reflect to you what you don’t have with him anymore. You get to take this journey of course and you will learn about yourself and what feels okay and what doesn’t work for you. So again…I’m just reminding you to stay connected to what your needs are and have the strength to disconnect from him should it start to hurt too much being in the friend zone.
Thoughts?
Heidi
