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Hi Rhonda! I just want you to know you are such a pleasure to work with! You are willing, open and receptive and those are such wonderful qualities!!!
Being assertive is an ACTION you take to support your authentic self. You actually don’t even have to have other people involved. Being assertive with yourself can mean you are going to listen to your own needs and make sure you meet them. For example, if you want to get more fit, you know you need to go to the gym more. So you might be assertive with yourself by going to the gym on those days you really don’t feel like it. Or you might be assertive with yourself to eat the salad instead of the burger. Being assertive is really about knowing what you want and need, and then taking action to make it happen. There are many variations to how being assertive can be expressed though. For example, it would have been assertive for you to say that compliment to that sales guy…which, by the way, even if you had said what you were thinking, it would have made the guy smile!!! Who cares if you stumble when you are saying something!! It’s all fixable, should you someone misunderstand you! Besides, you are being your wonderful, delightful self and there could be a guy who would find that part of you completely charming and captivating!!!
As far as your profile, I would say that you do sound like you know yourself very well! You do sound confident and that you know what you want. How about spicing it up a little?? Everyone’s profile is the same. The qualities you mention about yourself are a lot of qualities that most people say about themselves, so why not approach it in a different way. One way to catch people’s attention is to create a story, or a picture about those qualities and how they get expressed in life. Here is a sample profile I have used, that I got a lot of responses from….and most of the responses were the guys saying that I sounded interesting, fun, intriguing, different….
I would pick having a food fight over fine dining. I would choose a nice walk somewhere beautiful over being entertained by technology. I give really good foot rubs ; ) I would rather make a creative dinner together at home and dive into the depths of our philosophies on life, than to get dressed up and head out on the town. I would pick waking up at 4am to see the sunrise on a mountain top over staying up until the wee hours of the morning dancing my ass off (although that can be pretty fun too!)
Laughter is my very favorite medicine. I admit that my dog is the most precious being in my life. I love chocolate and thankfully have escaped the grips of a coffee addiction! Can’t stand the stuff ; )
I am a VERY curious soul. I love asking questions, from surface to extremely deep, so conversations can get really interesting, should you want to go there.
I read a lot…everything from stupid romance novels (night time reading) to health, fitness, nutrition, metaphysics, healing, intuition, neuroscience and relationships (daytime reading).
I love to play….anything outside and active are my favorites (I do a lot of hiking with my dog), but I also love kicking back in my hammock and just being a quiet observer of all the life that is happening around me (some of the best entertainment EVER!)
I always suggest for my clients to go and read the profiles of all the other ladies on the site. See how they write, what they say, how they express themselves. Find profiles that are different and that you enjoy reading. What are the qualities you like about those profiles? What are the qualities of the profiles that bore you and are not engaging? This gives you a good place to start. You want to be different….you want to give a man a different experience when he reads your profile. Does this make sense?? For example, I loved in your profile how you talked about the animals, your little car has seen many back dirt roads…those little sentences tell and actual story about you that people can connect with vs. saying I like animals or I like nature and stopping there. Does this make sense?
SO….go read some other profiles of the ladies, write down what caught your attention, what was boring to read and most of all….I want you to write down what kind of experience you are looking for? Something light and fun, do you want to fall in love, do you want to just practice certain skills?? What do you want to attract?
Heidi
This is all great to hear!!! It must feel sooooo good to get your life back! You have had some struggles for sure!
This guy sounds great! I love that he is not the “usual.” It gives you a different experience, which is always a new way to know yourself. So I’m curious…is there anything new you are learning about yourself with this guy? Any new insecurities, strengths, thoughts that you are having with this guy? For example, I know sooooo many ladies that would start to get insecure if the guy doesn’t at least “try” to kiss them on the first date. They are soooo used to dealing with that, that if a guy doesn’t try, they start to wonder if there is something wrong with them.
Heidi
Hi Colleen!
You are asking some really wonderful, honest questions of yourself and looking at all the different scenarios!
You are correct in thinking that feelings can grow…or not. Feelings do change, but what brings people together is so layered and dynamic….FAR beyond simple chemistry.
I am in complete agreement with you in that it’s your time to choose yourself right now. There are different ways to date and I think that if you put on this mindset that I am going to just learn about myself, as I sit in front of different people…and see who I am. When I was younger, I very purposefully said yes to any guy who asked me out. I wanted to feel my judgments, what made me tick, what turned me off, how to communicate with different cultures….there is soooo much to learn as you sit in front of different people. Maybe take that perspective instead of worrying about whether or not you really like someone or whether or not there is potential??? Take it lightly and make this about YOU. Get to know yourself. You can also go the route of just being alone. It sounds like you still have some feelings to process about your wedding anniversary. I too have gone through phases of no dating, no attention…just me. It’s hard at first, but there are aspects you will get to know about yourself only in that way.
Either way, it’s all a journey of growth. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself and keep connected to your needs and HONOR them, even when someone else doesn’t. You choose you. That is the journey here.
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
How are you doing?? I’m sure the temperatures have cooled enough to be able to enjoy your life a little more. Any new dates or adventures coming up?
It’s actually not mandatory to tip. There have been a handful of times I haven’t tipped, because the service or food was horrible….just so you know for future reference 😉
Heidi
HI Anne,
Thank you for sharing more details. I want to know how he handles emotional stress. Does he talk to you about the challenges in his life, or does he just disappear and become distant each time?
You said this past week he has become distant and easily gets upset at the smallest thing. My guess is, being that he is opening his business this week, he is really stressed out! Do you think that maybe that is why he is acting that way?
You treat him in the best way he will allow you to be supportive. What about offering a foot rub or cooking his favorite meal? Maybe you can book a massage for him? He may just need some fun in his life…what about going to do something adventurous like take a hot air balloon ride, or a wine tour or create a picnic in a beautiful park.
How does this approach sound for you???
Heidi
Hi Colleen,
It’s so difficult isn’t it??? All that is happening here is that you and him are on different pages. He has been very clear about what he is willing to offer and his actions do seem to align with what he is saying. However, you are allowing yourself to have deeper, more connective feelings with a man who is not available for that kind of experience….and this is what happens. You end up hoping and waiting and his responses are sporadic. It’s awful! I’ve done that many times before and it just hurts.
What is important is that you decide what is right for you. Being in this kind of relationship with him is really, really wonderful as you begin to experience new sides to yourself….it is also very rejecting….which is even more difficult as you are coming to a close with your divorce. You need to decide which of the hurt you want to feel. Do you want to feel the hurt that comes when losing him and creating closure or do you want to feel the hurt of rejection and sporadic communication? Either way is difficult, but one of the options at least has closure which can allow your heart to heal. You are having trouble NOT jumping to the end, because a part of you does not want to continue feeling this way. Staying focused on the present moment is a skill, but near impossible when your needs are not being met. Your heart is investing in him way beyond his capability to support.
Maybe it’s time to go on another date…experience other options. This can help you have other experiences and take the pressure off of this guy. Just a thought.
It’s Saturday and I imagine you haven’t heard from him yet. What can you do to make sure you have some fun this weekend??? What new adventure can you take? Maybe try something new and creative??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
In regards to your question about wanting a guy wanting your contact information, I have found that people really approach the online dating thing differently. Some people want to spend very little time chatting on the platform. They would just rather meet instead of falling into the trap of the fantasy that gets created from talking too much before meeting. Maybe that is his reason?? I cannot speak for him, but he is not the one that matters. What is important is that you do what is comfortable for you. If you feel you need more time, just communicate that to him and how he responds will give you some good information.
As far as your “almost” statement, I would just be careful what you say. That thought you almost said, sounds very much like an invite for sex. You could say it in a different way , “You’re an attractive, sweet man. We need more of you in this world. You have made my day!” So offering a compliment is a much better way to communicate your thoughts instead of inviting them to knock on your door. Sometimes that compliment can lead into something further!
I understand your boss is intimidating and why you would feel attacked. Being assertive with your boss can be a tricky thing, as your job is at risk. I would suggest practicing being assertive in other areas of your life first, before working on it in your job. What are you willing to commit to? It sounds like you are really ready to re-program, so what area of your life are you going to consciously work on being assertive and how are you going to do it?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenge with us.
I’m a little bit confused. You said you want him to fall in love with you again, but it sounds like he never has even said the words to you. So help us understand a little more about what you want from him and the dynamics of your relationship.
It sounds like he has some strong narcissistic qualities. When he is cold, does he even talk to you? You said he has asked you to move out, but you won’t? Do you sleep in the same bed? What is he like when he is connective with you? Do you know what causes him to disconnect in the first place? Does he ever talk to you about how he is feeling and his upsets?
Heidi
Hi Zobeeda,
I know it’s disappointing that the police did not show up. It’s awful. They are there to help protect and they fell way short of what they were supposed to do for you. It’s important you say the same words to yourself as well. Make sure you forgive them for not being what they are designed to be. Forgiveness is CRUCIAL for the energy to move out of your body and not get stuck. That stuck energy is VERY toxic for you and you are the only one that will pay the price for carrying it. Plus, it acts like a magnet to attract other similar instances where your needs are not supported and valued!
I don’t understand why they are not following through with you and helping you and I am so sorry you don’t get to feel supported where you live. I’m glad to know you and your son are okay though. No physical harm was done and that is the most important. You both can work through the emotional trauma together!!
Heidi
Yay!!! This is wonderful! You have a great mindset and direction for moving forward! I have no doubt you are already doing, but just in case…make sure you really verbally appreciate him for all he is sharing with you and all the wonderful feelings you are having as a result of him sharing personal stuff with you. Don’t overdo it, as it could make him run though.
I’m sooooo excited for you guys!!!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Well done! I am very glad to hear that you are pampering yourself and really making effort to pay more attention to what you need!
It’s not quite what I mean by “loving” yourself when you love someone else. Those things you are doing are so very important, so I don’t want to downplay it. What I was meaning was, when giving your heart to someone else, how do they treat it? Do they love it in the same way you love it? Do they care for your heart in a way that nourishes it? Is handing your heart to someone a loving thing for your heart? That’s what I mean by loving yourself when you love someone else. Many people feel love towards someone, yet they are handing their heart to that person they feel they love and that person doesn’t care very well for the heart they are being handed…therefore it’s not a very self loving thing to hand your heart to someone who doesn’t care for it…therefore it’s a love full of unhealthy beliefs and programs. Hopefully this made more sense.
So you are wanting to talk to him asking him about the direction you guys are heading as a couple?? Am I understanding that correctly? What’s your plan on how to ask him that? What EXACYLY are you going to ask him?
Heidi
Hi Harmony,
So it sounds like you guys are starting to figure each other again and that he is starting to come back around. You are doing great by creating a safe space for him to open up to you…it sounds like trust is being built back up, on both sides.
So what’s the next step for you, moving forward? Are you feeling better about him visiting his family and not choosing to be with you? Are you guys making other arrangements to spend time together?
Heidi
Are you being stupidly in love? That’s a great question actually. I cannot answer for you, as that is something only you really know. I do know that many times, we feel love but that love we feel is full of all kinds of unhealthy beliefs and programs that are operating in our subconscious. Being that those beliefs and programs are buried so deep, when we feel “love” it truly feels like love…but in reality, it is an unhealthy version of love.
Here is the one thing to really think about when exploring that question. When you are loving someone else, are you also loving yourself. Is loving this other person expanding you? Is it kind to you and nourishing for your soul? Is being with that person just as loving to yourself as it is for them?
This is a big piece a lot of people miss. They “love” this other person, but at the detriment of themselves on some level. This is a BIG sign that the love is full of a lot of unhealthy beliefs and programs. Maybe this will help you look at your love differently.
Let us help you with your conversation…what are you wanting to accomplish with your talk tonight??
Heidi
Hi Genevive,
It sounds like you are willing to just go with whatever design he is able to offer you. I understand this, as sometimes, having “something” is better than “nothing.” Sometimes that is true and other times, it really can make things worse.
My sense is, the more you allow him to create what he wants with you, without you inserting your needs into the design, you slowly end up losing yourself and existing in a way that just serves him and not you. You, of course, get to have that choice! Sometimes though, men don’t end up respecting that very much. A lot of men really desire to have a woman who tells it like it is, has good boundaries, is willing to say what she REALLY feels and is good at communicating. When men feel a woman’s strength in those ways, it really can draw them closer, because they know they can’t take advantage of her, they know she can take care of herself, they know she won’t be needy. Have you ever really tried this kind of approach with him??
Heidi
Hi Padmini,
Good job for acknowledging your patterns here! Overthinking / analyzing is all about our need for control in a situation. You are trying to protect your heart and have quite a bit of fear, so you try to control that by analyzing and thinking about every little thing so you can be “prepared” and not get hurt. Does this resonate for you?
That is a great question about how NOT to do that. First, whenever you are finding yourself overthinking, stop for a moment and address the root cause. Ask yourself in that moment, “What am I afraid of? What exactly am I trying to control right now?” Then address those concerns you have. Get yourself very present and connected to the moment. And remind yourself that no matter what HE chooses, you are valuable, loveable and amazing, whether or not he chooses you. YOU CHOOSE YOURSELF, instead of relying on him to choose you. Instead of allowing yourself to continually over analyze, stop yourself and create a different story. Create the story of your resilience. Create the story of how amazing your life is, with or without him. Create the story that even if he were to hurt you again, you will be okay. Create the story that you are resilient. This is a good place to start.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
