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Hi Rhonda,
First, I didn’t mean to imply you should have not run and said yes to that guy and every guy. I think it’s GREAT that you ran. You are allowing your instincts and intuition to guide you, which is an important skill. Have you read the section in your library here about developing your feminine intuition? All I am encouraging you to do is to stop tagging each guy as “right” or “wrong” and allow them ALL to be the “right” kind of guy, as there is something to learn from all of them. So even you saying no to this last guy, is you practicing your boundaries, listening to your intuition and trusting that. Well done! Does this make more sense?
I like your re-write so much better! It’s a fun “story” that is more fun to read. How do you feel about it?
So let’s work on your 2nd paragraph:
Yes, there’s more to me than adventure. I’m emotionally healthy, honest, and confident. Like Ruth in the Bible, I’m loyal, hard-working, courageous and know how to appreciate a good man.
People have soooo many different ideas about what emotionally healthy, honest and confident mean, so getting more detailed here to explain what you actually mean could be a good thing. I would also suggest staying away from saying things like “I love being with you” as that is talking to someone you don’t even know, so remain talking just about yourself. So here are a few suggestions, but it would also be great to give more of a story and offer examples of how you imagine these qualities play out for you. I’m just going to give examples, so insert your own.“Ruth, in the bible, has been a role model for me. I remember first learning about her characteristics of being a strong, loyal, hard working and very courageous woman and I was especially drawn to wanting to learn more about her. Those are important qualities I embrace, especially as I traverse the challenges that can show up in my life. I find the spectrum of getting to know someone such a fun adventure!I can tend to be a bit shy at first, but it never stops me from loving the range of deep, philosophical conversations to thoroughly enjoying the intimacy of silence while sipping on a glass of wine or snuggling up next to a fire. Speaking of snuggling up next to a fire, I am a romantic, but not in the traditional storybook way. I find romance can be as simple as leaving a surprise note in my purse for me to find later in the day or me giving a foot rub because he has had a long day and needs some extra attention. I believe it’s important to feel cherished and appreciated in a relationship, so I love to find creative ways to express that.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Carol!
I understand your discomfort with the situation. You are not feeling very secure about the relationship to begin with, so this doesn’t help much.
So I just want to make sure I am reading this correctly. He is going to Aus with his colleague and hanging with her for a few days, then staying with this other girl? How long is he staying with this other girl? Is he going there just to meet her, or is this a business trip?
It does seem a little sketchy the way this is being set up, if I am understanding correctly. Here is the thing Carol. He is going to do and be what he wants. We all will. We cannot control what someone else chooses.
I had a boyfriend for about a year once who had cheated on every single girlfriend before he met me. I knew the odds of him cheating on me were SUPER high and I chose to accept who he was, without freaking out about every little thing he did, due to his history. My choice was to focus on myself and the kind of partner I was. As long as I was being the best kind of partner I could be, as long as I was loving myself and KNEW my value, that’s the very most I could do…what he did with all of that, was his journey. I had to let him be EXACTLY who he wanted to be…and that even meant cheating if he wanted to. If figured if he went down that road with me, I will deal with it, I will hurt AND I will recover and will have learned from the situation. Surprisingly, that scenario never showed up. He told me many times, during our relationship and even after the breakup, that he never cheated because he never felt like I was trying to control him. He felt free to be and do whatever he needed and that actually took away all urge to be with another woman. He just wanted to be with me. He would go out with his friends dancing and drinking, but always come home to me and he LOVED that feelings. I never once hassled him or asked him a ton of questions about other girls (he was a SUPER attractive man and could get any girl he wanted). I just asked if he had fun and he shared what he wanted to. I never got jealous or insecure. The trick was this: I believed, full-heartedly, that he was very lucky to have me in his life. I believed I was a very good catch, so why in the world would he want to be with another woman with all that I had to offer him? I was a spectacular girlfriend! That allowed me to not “worry” or get jealous. I was confident in myself. He is cheated, then that is information I need to know about HIM and the kind of person he is. All I can do is my best and then let the rest go.
I know this is not an easy thing to do or be. It took me many years of doing a lot of deep work to get to that point, but man…it sure was worth all that hard work. I’m not saying it’s a full proof formula for how to get your guy to stay loyal…that’s not the goal really. The goal is to know your value, no matter what. The goal is to love yourself, whether or not your guy stays loyal and connected or not. The goal is to not hand over your self worth to your guy. If he cheats with this woman when he is away, that DOES NOT change your value. If he cheats, that is information you need to know about him. If he cheats, you will hurt, you will cry AND you will recover and be okay! You will learn, you will grow from the experience and receive many wonderful realizations that are important for you. If he cheats, you are still worth loving and fighting for. That’s that goal. That’s what it means to hold onto your own value and not allow someone else to strip that from you, no matter how they decide to behave in the world.
You cannot control what he does. He can re-assure you to the moon and back, but it won’t change that he is putting himself in a situation for something like that to happen. He has a journey to take to learn about himself. Let him do that, even if it means he messes up. Let go of the need to control him. Let him be who he needs to be in this world and trust YOURSELF that even if he chooses to mess up, you will be okay!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
This is a great article! Thank you for sharing! It’s full of all kinds of truths about things many people are not willing to face or deal with. What did you think of the article? Were you surprised about anything you read? Does it all make sense to you, or do you feel you disagree with some of it?
In the online world, you will attract all kinds of guys…the right ones and the wrong ones. It’s just what happens, due to people picking you from a picture and words and not meeting you organically. Have patience! Maybe you can look at this in a bit of a different way. You need some practice setting boundaries and being more assertive, right? Wouldn’t these “wrong” guys be the “right” kind of guys to practice developing your assertiveness skills? Wouldn’t these “wrong” guys help give you the experiences you need for you to get comfortable saying no, setting boundaries, learning to be okay hurting someone’s feelings?? Each guy that comes across your path has something to offer you, no matter how small. Each guy has something to reflect back to you, about yourself, about what works, what doesn’t work, who you are, who you are not. It’s ALL valuable!!! I dated for 20 years, putting myself in all kinds of situations so I could learn. I dated soooooo many “wrong” guys (on purpose) because I had some things I wanted to learn about myself by being around them.
So in summary, my suggestion is to stop tagging each guy as “right” or “wrong” and instead see that each guy is right for you. Each guy has SOME value to offer you.
Does this make sense?
heidi
Lol! Well ou are blessed then! Having a good butt can defintely attract a good amount of attention! AND I imagine you look great in jeans!!! That’s definitely an eye catcher for men! I remember listening to the radio a few years back and they talked about a survey that was done and the #1 thing men looked for most in a woman (physically) is how she looked in jeans. Basically saying..a good butt was more attractive to most men compared to how the women filled out their shirts. So interesting!
I know you are on holiday..but I’m curious. How are you feeling about this guy? You haven’t said much about your attraction factor towards him. What are some of the thoughts you are having about him? Do you feel attraction towards him physically? Emotionally?
Heidi
Emilie! Hahaha! Is your butt a genetic thing or have you worked really hard for it?? That’s spectacular either way! Something to definitely value about yourself ;). working as a Strength Coach for 20 years…BOTH men and women ALWAYS want me to get their butt bigger….lol.
I’m really loving how this is developing! You have respect for him and that is essential. He is in no rush and he is giving you such a good experience of what that feels like! Very excited to keep receiving updates about this!
Enjoy your vacay! That’s a looooong drive!!!
Heidi
Hi Christina!
This is all such good information! I’m glad you have some good awareness around how you have impacted the design of what has happened. It sounds like he really could imagine himself with you, but he needs to feel safe…and with the things you said about things not working out and you should break up, combined with an incredible amount of stress at work, combined with his own personal feelings and baggage…he sure is under a lot of stress!
That’s okay though! You are learning. What’s important is to learn how you can best support him through this time, under the conditions happening right now. I imagine you sharing your challenges from your past with him, may have made him feel quite powerless and uncomfortable. That’s not your fault, as he hasn’t even dealt with his own past. There are ways you can present your intense past to where he won’t have to feel like he needs to fix anything. I’m not sure how you shared your past, but for future reference, it’s always good to share the past and then how you have created closure and healing around that….or that you are still working on healing it….that way he knows you have it handled.
Right now, let’s focus on what you DO know works for both of you. There are ways you can still give him plenty of space AND still support him. Things like making him dinner, giving him compliments where you talk to his best self…like, “I know things are soooo difficult right now. I have a lot of respect for you with you have stepped up and making it all happen. I’ve always thought your work ethic was pretty incredible.” You can send him some funny YouTube videos that you know will make him laugh. You can bake some cookies and leave out for him with a nice little note.
So what kinds of things can you do to help make his life a little easier right now? Your focus is just building connection again.
Heidi
hahahaha! Playing with you for your butt? Do you have a really good butt???
If anything, one quality you know this guy has is impulse control with his sexual thoughts / desires, at least for now. That is actually a quality to ALWAYS look for in a guy. A lack of impulse control means there is A LOT of stuck child energy. Children are impulsive. They want what they want and NOW. It is adult energy that is able to delay satisfaction…delay pleasure for a higher purpose. So whenever dating, you want to watch for that quality. I have amazing impulse control in certain areas and am not the best in other areas of my life (mainly eating chocolate lol). So even if impulse control isn’t perfect, you want to look at how it would affect the relationship. It could be in the areas of money, food or other substances, sex etc. BUT…you also want to watch the opposite side as well. Someone who controls themselves so much so, that they end up not having any fun in life and indulging themselves sometimes…that also is unresolved, stuck child energy that is based in fear. So the balance is someone who has good impulse control, but is also able to let go and have some fun as well. Just some food for thought.
Enjoy your vacation!!!
Heidi
Hi Carol,
I think it’s really important for you to figure out what you want. If you want to really fight for this guy, dating other people will ruin whatever you have right now. If you really want to fight for this relationship, then you figure out how to create a space for him to feel like he WANTS to talk with you. The other girl who he talks to a lot is “easy to talk to.” That gives you a HUGE signal as to what he is really needing from you, if you want more attention and connection from him. From what you said, he has said a few times now, that he feels like you are trying to control him and who he can talk to and what he is allowed to do. Do you see the things you are doing that would make him feel this way?
If you want to keep this relationship growing and getting better, then you gotta fight for it and really begin to make some changes within yourself…REALLY listen to him and work on being a better partner for him vs. having a temper and arguing. If you don’t want to work that hard, then it’s time to let go and have some other experiences.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Spot on! It’s a lot of work trying to get someone to be or do what you need so you can feel good about yourself and the situation. We all want to control though. It’s just our very natural way to do what we can to avoid hurt. The skill is to stay present, honor our needs, honor their needs and honor what shows up vs. trying to change it.
So glad to hear you are working with a therapist! Very smart decision!
Heidi
Hi Colleen!
Yes! It does become easier. It does take time, but it also is helpful when you have an expert helping you through the process. Have you ever worked with a therapist or coach? I can’t remember if we talked about that yet.
Yes, you are spot on! This guy does not want the same kind of relationship you do, so in essence…you are being rescued from a lot of hurt!!! I’m glad you are learning about yourself and recognizing the dynamics that are happening…and acknowledging that it’s not enough for you! you are learning!!! wooohooo!
As far as trusting, here is a turn around for you. I like to think of trust as keeping it to myself and not putting it on others. So here is what I say to myself, “No matter what the other person does, how they behave, their choices…I WILL BE OKAY!” I know that I am resilient. I know that I have been through the worst moments in my life and today, I am happy and love my life! I know the pain and hurt are just moments in time and I will figure out a way to make that pain and hurt work FOR me, instead of to me. So bottom line, it doesn’t matter if people are lying or not. You can only go by the information you are given. If you discover it’s not true, you will be okay! You will get past those moments! Does this make sense? When you put your trust in someone else, it’s like saying “I will trust you if you behave in a certain way.” That never works out, because it is inevitable they are going to mess up!!! We are human! So that’s another reason why your foundational trust needs to be in yourself, because YOU got yourself covered!
Heidi
Hi Christina,
Thank you for sharing more details.
There are some fundamental challenges in your relationship. How you both communicate to each other when things are difficult, can really cause a lot mis-trust and harm. John Gottman (www.gottman.com) did a study that lasted 20 years, asking the question, “what makes a relationship last?” One of the main common denominators he found was that even in the worst, most painful moments, both people treat each other with respect and honor. That is a big piece missing for you both. You both have a lot of deep emotional thoughts and feelings and they are running up against each other. All you can do is your part though…that’s all you really have control over. I know you talk to your friends, but they are not experts in dealing with deep emotional feelings and how to heal those parts. Your temper and anger is there, not because you were isolated or focusing too much on him. It’s there regardless. Yes, changing your outside world can help it shrink some, but your anger doesn’t go away, because you changed your outside world…it only goes away when you change your inside world…which is why you want to work with a specialist if you really want to get at that anger and relieve it from your system.
The same is true for him. He is not choosing to face his deep trauma, therefore this is how he is going to be. So the reality is, if you get back together, all these patterns, lack of sex, poor communication, blow ups…are just going to happen all over again. He is right in wanting to break up in the sense that your relationship is causing harm, to both of you. So if you want him back and actually want to keep going long term, then your relationship needs to function differently.
What are all your thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Zobeeda,
Great! I hope those books help! You can also just look up sound healing on youtube. There is a TON of information there and sound videos you can listen to as well.
How are the self defense videos going? Are you both doing some tapping every day??? It can be soooo helpful the more you do it!
Heidi
Okay! It sounds like he IS attracted to you sexually. Maybe it’s not a ton of flirting, but it is a little. With him being a shy kind of guy, it may just take some time for him to warm up. Either way, it sounds like you are just having some fun and experiencing something new, so at the very least, I imagine it entertains your brain a little bit 🙂
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!!!
Well done on communicating with your boss! woooohooo! So glad it was a productive and effective conversation! She took it really well! That’s a HUGE win right there!
Most people avoid disappointing another person. It’s uncomfortable. I know this may sound weird, but it’s important to get comfortable with someone else’s pain and discomfort. Pain is a such a gift in the sense that it allows each person the opportunity to learn, grow and connect better to themselves. But it has to start with you first. When you get comfortable with your own pain, hurt and unease and you just work with it when it shows up instead of run the other way….then you will get more comfortable when someone else is feeling that way. The need to “fix” is coming from a place of fear vs. staying connected to the truth that it will all be okay. Does this make sense? So when someone is upset with you and you say “I’m sorry” to try to calm things down…it’s just fear talking. One thing you could say differently is, “I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Tell me more about this. Help me understand what is happening for you right now.” That’s a more authentic way to connect with someone and give them space to express what they are feeling. Does that help?
Okay…let’s work on your profile next. It’s never too long if you tell a good story, right? There are a few things that need to be taken out and can be said in person. You start coming across as confident and telling a good story but then lose that momentum and stop telling the story, so your profile feels more dis-jointed vs. flowing well together from start to finish.
Let’s just start with the very first paragraph and we will go from there. First, take out the “free, white and 21.” It has the potential to really activate someone as it can be reflective of what they are not or what other people in the world are not. I’m also a little confused. Your post title is “older single trying to date again,” but here you are saying you are 21. So which is true? I would also suggest to take out any reference to the person reading it. So when you say, “I’d rather spend time with you” it’s actually not a true statement because you have no idea who “you” actually is. Here is another way to write the first paragraph. It’s a great way to start out!!!
“My very favorite thing about my life is that I can wake up on a weekend morning and Little Boy Blue (my car) and I can head off on any adventure we want to. And trust me, he definitely has a mind of his own! After grabbing my morning cup of joe, he’ll often take me places that are surprising to me. Being that I am very passionate about wildlife / nature photography, my cameras always accompany us on our adventures. Often times one of my kayaks goes along and in the winter, my snow shoes get some good use. The mountains are the place where I find myself restoring from the work week. It’s a place where the challenges of life just seem to melt away and I feel the closest to God because I am interacting with His creation.”
So see how this feels for you. When you read this paragraph, do you feel engaged? Do you feel it expresses what you want to communicate?
re-write it, add to it and send it back…and then we will work on the next paragraph.
Heidi
Hi Kalela!
Welcome! This is such a tough topic isn’t it? Money issues is usually in the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. It is such a SENSITIVE topic and represents soooo many things to each person.
Let’s start with getting a little more detail first. How have you brought it up before? When you say it gets tense, what does that mean? You both get tense? In what ways does it get tense? How do you guys resolve it?
Heidi
