Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Christina,
Thank you for sharing more details.
There are some fundamental challenges in your relationship. How you both communicate to each other when things are difficult, can really cause a lot mis-trust and harm. John Gottman (www.gottman.com) did a study that lasted 20 years, asking the question, “what makes a relationship last?” One of the main common denominators he found was that even in the worst, most painful moments, both people treat each other with respect and honor. That is a big piece missing for you both. You both have a lot of deep emotional thoughts and feelings and they are running up against each other. All you can do is your part though…that’s all you really have control over. I know you talk to your friends, but they are not experts in dealing with deep emotional feelings and how to heal those parts. Your temper and anger is there, not because you were isolated or focusing too much on him. It’s there regardless. Yes, changing your outside world can help it shrink some, but your anger doesn’t go away, because you changed your outside world…it only goes away when you change your inside world…which is why you want to work with a specialist if you really want to get at that anger and relieve it from your system.
The same is true for him. He is not choosing to face his deep trauma, therefore this is how he is going to be. So the reality is, if you get back together, all these patterns, lack of sex, poor communication, blow ups…are just going to happen all over again. He is right in wanting to break up in the sense that your relationship is causing harm, to both of you. So if you want him back and actually want to keep going long term, then your relationship needs to function differently.
What are all your thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Zobeeda,
Great! I hope those books help! You can also just look up sound healing on youtube. There is a TON of information there and sound videos you can listen to as well.
How are the self defense videos going? Are you both doing some tapping every day??? It can be soooo helpful the more you do it!
Heidi
Okay! It sounds like he IS attracted to you sexually. Maybe it’s not a ton of flirting, but it is a little. With him being a shy kind of guy, it may just take some time for him to warm up. Either way, it sounds like you are just having some fun and experiencing something new, so at the very least, I imagine it entertains your brain a little bit 🙂
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!!!
Well done on communicating with your boss! woooohooo! So glad it was a productive and effective conversation! She took it really well! That’s a HUGE win right there!
Most people avoid disappointing another person. It’s uncomfortable. I know this may sound weird, but it’s important to get comfortable with someone else’s pain and discomfort. Pain is a such a gift in the sense that it allows each person the opportunity to learn, grow and connect better to themselves. But it has to start with you first. When you get comfortable with your own pain, hurt and unease and you just work with it when it shows up instead of run the other way….then you will get more comfortable when someone else is feeling that way. The need to “fix” is coming from a place of fear vs. staying connected to the truth that it will all be okay. Does this make sense? So when someone is upset with you and you say “I’m sorry” to try to calm things down…it’s just fear talking. One thing you could say differently is, “I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Tell me more about this. Help me understand what is happening for you right now.” That’s a more authentic way to connect with someone and give them space to express what they are feeling. Does that help?
Okay…let’s work on your profile next. It’s never too long if you tell a good story, right? There are a few things that need to be taken out and can be said in person. You start coming across as confident and telling a good story but then lose that momentum and stop telling the story, so your profile feels more dis-jointed vs. flowing well together from start to finish.
Let’s just start with the very first paragraph and we will go from there. First, take out the “free, white and 21.” It has the potential to really activate someone as it can be reflective of what they are not or what other people in the world are not. I’m also a little confused. Your post title is “older single trying to date again,” but here you are saying you are 21. So which is true? I would also suggest to take out any reference to the person reading it. So when you say, “I’d rather spend time with you” it’s actually not a true statement because you have no idea who “you” actually is. Here is another way to write the first paragraph. It’s a great way to start out!!!
“My very favorite thing about my life is that I can wake up on a weekend morning and Little Boy Blue (my car) and I can head off on any adventure we want to. And trust me, he definitely has a mind of his own! After grabbing my morning cup of joe, he’ll often take me places that are surprising to me. Being that I am very passionate about wildlife / nature photography, my cameras always accompany us on our adventures. Often times one of my kayaks goes along and in the winter, my snow shoes get some good use. The mountains are the place where I find myself restoring from the work week. It’s a place where the challenges of life just seem to melt away and I feel the closest to God because I am interacting with His creation.”
So see how this feels for you. When you read this paragraph, do you feel engaged? Do you feel it expresses what you want to communicate?
re-write it, add to it and send it back…and then we will work on the next paragraph.
Heidi
Hi Kalela!
Welcome! This is such a tough topic isn’t it? Money issues is usually in the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. It is such a SENSITIVE topic and represents soooo many things to each person.
Let’s start with getting a little more detail first. How have you brought it up before? When you say it gets tense, what does that mean? You both get tense? In what ways does it get tense? How do you guys resolve it?
Heidi
lol! I totally get it and there is some truth in it! If you end up friend zoning him, then it will just be that! It will head in the direction it is meant for.
How is the flirting between you guys? I know you know how to flirt. Is he responsive? Do you feel chemistry between guys?
Heidi
Great! I think this is just a great place to start! Having fun together, laughing together and just being around each other in a fun way….is sooooo important! DO NOT talk about anything at this point. Just go have fun and remind him of who he is, who you are and how much fun you can have together. Keep the conversations light and easy. JUST HAVE FUN and that’s it! You can figure out more things later on….one step at a time. How does this focus feel for you at the moment?
Heidi
Those are very normal thoughts! Most people think that those same thoughts that if they looked or acted different, they would get more attention. There is a much deeper truth though. I have seen this over and over and over again through the years and from my personal experience as well. What is on the inside matters so much more!!!!
Let’s say you were thinner and prettier. You may attract more attention but that doesn’t actually mean the guys would end up really liking you. They may chase you because of how you look, but that’s about as far as that will go. It’s the inside part of you that will be attractive to the right kind of man who is a good fit for you…and that is something special and unique. Attention from men is just that…it’s attention. I imagine you want more than that, yes?
Tell me what kind of relationship you are interested in having. How do you imagine your relationship being like from day to day? How does he make you feel?
I’m not saying that rejection or ghosting doesn’t affect the self esteem. I have pretty strong self esteem…finally. And when I get rejected, it does hurt! It hurts because we give our power away to another person. We allow THEM to tell us who we are instead of staying connected to what WE know about who we are. There are ways to work through it to clear the lies and get connected back to the truth of who we are. That is why my self esteem is strong. I work A LOT for it….but it doesn’t make me in-human or invincible where to where rejection doesn’t affect me. It always will. I am just capable of handling rejection in a healthy way and quickly. I call that resilience. That’s what I consider to be a healthy person emotionally. It’s not that you don’t get hurt or triggered, it’s that you are resilient. You have a skillset to handle tough moments in a healthy way. You have strong enough self esteem that allows you to heal faster. You have a support system to help you through the super sticky, tough times. Does all of this make sense?
Here is a super powerful technique that is so simple. I know it may seem “too easy” but I’ve been using it 20 years…and it works! There are a TON of videos on youtube for EFT or TFT. If you don’t resonate with this guy, just look up other people!
Let me know what you think!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I understand. The first thing I want you to know is that you are not alone. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this very exact scenario. Ghosting at some point, is probably 90% of the problems that people complain about when it comes to online dating. There are soooo many challenges with online dating.
I know you want to look at your experiences and think there is something wrong with you. Instead, look at these experiences in a way that bring you gifts. The first gift you are receiving is the opportunity to stay connected to yourself, to love yourself even when all of these guys are disappearing. One of my very favorite quotes is “Self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” This is the opportunity you have right now…you can either let these guys who disappear after a few weeks, give you the story about who you are OR you can create your own story around it. I have no doubt you want to attract a man with a lot of internal, strong self – esteem, yes??? Well that means you have to offer that in return….and it’s moments like these where you get to develop your self esteem….you get to love yourself even when someone else is not. You get to practice getting connected to the truth vs. letting the lies in whatever story you are making up about it having the authority in your life.
Take these moments and grab them by the horns and make these rejections work FOR you instead of to.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Christina!
Welcome!
So just to be clear, you guys are still living together, but you are broken up? Is that correct? You have had sex once since breaking up, but how was it when you were together? I’m not sure if you were referring to him not wanting sex to before or after your breakup…
Tell me why you want to get back together with him. Tell me more about how your relationship functioned. I know you have admitted to having anger and a temper. What is he like when challenges show up? How did you guys handle confrontation most of the time?
First and foremost, let’s deal with why he broke up…your temper. So what are you doing to work on that? It needs to be more than reading books and thinking about it. To really shift anger, deep anger, that causes a temper, it requires healing. Have you ever seen a therapist or worked with a healer of some type, to help you with this area of your life?
Heidi
Hi Sabrina,
If I had the secret to how to make a person fall in love with someone, I would be a MILLIONAIRE in a split second! lol. I wish I could give you specific answers as to how to make him open his heart to you, on that level. Truth is, love is sooooo tricky. Everyone is afraid of it, on some level. It’s a risk and there is no way around that!
What I really try to do is to get to the know the other person, on the deepest level possible. If I understand more and more about why they are the way they are, it can help with being patient and understanding their reactions…or lack thereof. For example, I would want to know about his relationship with his parents. What kind of role modeling did he receive from them? What were his past relationships like? Has he ever loved before? Has he ever had his heart broken before? What happened? What is his view of love? Most people view and experience love with a lot of wounded energy mixed in.
Are there ways for you to have some fun conversations around this topic? Can you get him going down memory lane and talking about his life growing up? Some fun questions could be, What was your reputation in high school? How did you do with the ladies in high school and college? How old were you when you had your first kiss? How was it?
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Zobeeda,
You are doing a great job! You are focusing on what you CAN control and getting realistic about the police. Now you know you can expect nothing from them, so you go somewhere else and figure out a different way. Well done!
Have you ever tried Sound Healing? I’m wondering if maybe something like this could be really helpful for both you and your son. Sound has been scientifically proven to help heal and release traumas and that is soooo so important for both you and your son. He needs to be able to relax in his life and let YOU take care of the both of you. Here is a course that might interest you. Just a thought:
https://www.hayhouse.com/the-power-of-sound-healing-online-course-hhuI love that you both are going to go through the self defense videos. You both need to feel like you have something you can do to protect yourselves, should anything happen again!
Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Rebecca!!! This is soooooooo spectacular!!! I am just grinning from ear to ear!!!
You are doing such a great job shifting your mindset, learning to stay more in the present and staying awake and aware to your thoughts and feelings…and giving them the space to mean something vs. making him the only important one in the relationship. It does take time. It does take practice and there will be many times you will mess up, but that’s normal! What matters is that you are on a good path!
And you guys are connecting so much better! Wooohooo! Now he can give his attention to you, instead of being split. This is good for him to feel himself focusing only on you. And it sure sounds like it’s paying off!!!
Thank you so much for the update! This is just so wonderful!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
This is so confusing right??? I’m so sorry this happened. It doesn’t ever make sense does it?
I would suggest to let this go. If he hasn’t initiated contact after connecting with you that much, then something is off. Who knows what it is, but you don’t want to be the one to do all the initiating. You need a guy who is going to feel like he can’t not talk to you. You need a guy who feels like he has to see you. You need a guy who fights for you. You need a guy who knows that you are quite the catch and he better be on his toes to keep your attention!
This guy is doing none of that! There was plenty of momentum happening between the both of you for him to pick up the slack and keep the connection going….and he didn’t. It doesn’t matter the “why” behind his lack of reaching out….all you need to know is that he didn’t reach out….at all! Even after having planned a date with you!!! That’s just not a good sign. Regardless of the connection or frequency of talking/texting you guys had…he is not following through. That is NOT the kind of guy you want to invite into your life.
How does this make you feel???
Heidi
Hi Martha,
I’m so sorry it took us awhile to get back to you. We do not answer posts 24/7, but we do the best we can. Thank you for your patience!
Thank you for being here and sharing your questions! I just have a few more questions.
What is your age difference?
How long have you known this guy?
Are you actually friends with him where you go hang out and have lunch or do things together? It’s helpful for us to understand how you both interact with each other.
What else do you like about him besides him wanting to become a minister?
How long has he been divorced?
What does it mean, for you, to do this in a Godly way? There are so many ways to interpret that, so I just want to make sure we are working from your perspective.Looking forward to hearing from you!
