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Hi Nicole,
You said something really powerful! You acknowledged you are finding it difficult to offer compliments. Am I understanding this correctly? Tell us more about that. What part do you struggle with? You don’t know what to say? It feels to vulnerable to you to offer a compliment? You struggle with how to say it? Let’s figure this out!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Love is just a really dynamic, unpredictable kind of thing. Love is so layered and has sooooo many different meanings for people. I have heard abused women tell me they love their husband. I have heard women who have countlessly been cheated on say they love their guy so much they can’t imagine their life without them. Is that really love??? They believe it is. The thing about love and why is changes so much and so fast, is because most of our definitions of love and what makes us feel love, or not feel love, comes from a lifetime of role modeling, beliefs we have been taught, experiences we have had, media, our beliefs about ourselves etc. So when someone falls in love and out of love, what influences those dynamics is a network of emotions and feelings that run sooooo deep! And most of the times, those beliefs and emotions live in the subconscious, so him falling out of love, is being influenced by emotions and thoughts he doesn’t even know he has. So…that means that yes, he can be in love, then out of love, then in love again, then out of love again. That is possible for anyone and everyone.
What makes love more constant and stable is when someone becomes more aware of the patterns in their life, the thoughts and feelings they are having around love and they work on healing the wounded parts of themselves, that contribute to their ability to love or not love. When someone doesn’t face their true feelings, fears, hurt….then love will always be messy. They can change partners a million times, but those feelings, fears and hurt will always go with them and will leak out into the relationship in various ways. Love is such a risk. There are never any guarantees, but there are ways to strengthen it, help it grow and become more solid…but the place to start with that, is inside of you and not with him. If you rely on him to behave a certain way so you can feel solid and safe in the relationship, it will never happen. That fear you carry is inside of YOU and that means you are the one that needs to face it, deal with it and work on healing those parts of you that are fearful. That is what will change the dynamics of the relationship more permanently…not him behaving in the way you need to. Does this make sense?
Like I said previously, he is annoyed with his ex’s decision to cut off, because he most likely has hurt feelings about it. Yes, he doesn’t have it all tied up nicely as he would like. He doesn’t have control. He lost his friend. He is hurt.
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Welcome! I am glad you are here sharing your challenges with us.
You are in a very difficult situation right now. The thing is, divorce is REALLY hard, even if everybody is nice and respectful to each other through the process. It’s a loss. It’s a broken dream. It’s a huge lifestyle change. I’m not surprised he is pulling away. First, he needs to listen to his attorney. Going through a divorce and evidence of an affair can really cause a lot of problems for him on so many levels for him. So it sounds like he is doing what he has been advised to do. I’m glad you are giving him space and respecting his boundaries and what he needs to focus on right now.
You have chosen a guy who is not available for you. Playing the role of a mistress means you only got part of him. Going through a divorce and dealing with the loss of this relationship, even if it may be a horrible relationship, means he is still emotionally unavailable and you will only have part of him. It takes a good while to really recover, process and heal from a divorce. He most likely will have a lot of ups and downs….being connected and then not connected and then connected again. Either way, you are choosing a man who doesn’t have the ability to make a relationship with you, a growing priority. Not a single person on earth could offer that to you, when you choose to be the mistress or choose to be with someone who is currently going through a divorce.
I first want to say this…no matter what he decides, it’s so important for you to know you will be okay. Whether he chooses to fight for you or not, you are loveable and valuable and worth fighting for. So what you will do, if he breaks up with you, is cry, hurt and feel horrible for a period of time and then you will get yourself back in order, find your ground again, find your strength again and you will create a new design for your life. You will someday meet another man you want to love and hopefully the next time around, you will choose a man who is available to offer you everything you deserve to have in a relationship.
I do want to ask you….are you really okay bein just the mistress? Are you really okay not bein a priority and being with a man who only offers part of himself to you? Will you share what you really want with this guy? Are you hoping to spend the rest of your life with him?
Heidi
This is great to hear Zobeeda. We cannot control what others do in life, but we can control what we do and how we respond to it. You are doing an INCREDIBLE job fighting against depression, anxiety and fear. Exercise is crucial, so the self defense videos are so good! Meditation will transform your life if you allow it. Hypnosis will help you heal. You are doing some wonderful things to empower your mind, body and spirit! You are being such a wonderful role model for you son. Keep going! I know at the moment it may seem like everything feels so difficult, but what you are doing can shift all of that! Keep doing what you are doing!!!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand you both have the desire for things to be back the way they were. One of the main reasons it isn’t happening is because there are blocks. You don’t trust him. You don’t fully trust that things are not going to nose dive and all of a sudden the carpet is being ripped out from under you. And he most likely is having a similar experience in his own way. How can you expect to feel that closeness, vulnerability and intimacy when you fundamentally don’t trust the relationship? It’s understandable, so it’s important to work on your mindset and deal with that part of yourself. Yes, he could totally do that again. It could happen after 20 years of marriage! That is the reality of love and relationship. So it’s important you keep connecting to trusting YOURSELF that no matter what happens, you will be okay! Keep coming back to that and remind yourself of your strength, your resilience, your resourcefulness, your ability to heal. No matter what he chooses to do with his life and his process, you will be okay. TRUST THAT and stop trying to trust the relationship. It’s not where your trust belongs. You both have some things blocking you from opening up and connecting. All you can do is face your own and take responsibility for that. That might even be a good conversation starter by saying something like, “I notice that we are not as connected as before, so I’ve been really looking at my side of things. I really realized how scared I am that things won’t work out again. But you know what? It’s okay! It’s really helping me to learn to trust myself that I will be okay no matter what happens. Whether we work, or don’t work…not matter what shows up in my life, I am strong enough and resilient and I will always figure out a way to get back up on my feet.” Share it with the intent that you just want to teach him about you and that will help him think and reflect about how he is feeling and then who knows where the conversation will lead. Just a thought….what do you think?
As far as being annoyed about his ex reacting the way she did, of course he would be annoyed. He is being rejected. They were friends. She was someone who part of his day, almost every day and they spent a lot of time together. And now, she has totally rejected him and he lost connection with her. It hurts. It’s a loss and a pretty normal reaction when you lose a friend. Allow him to have those feelings and just let it be that. Work on not putting a story around it that causes you to react and have anxiety. He is having a normal, healthy reaction to losing a friend.
When you ask him to be more tolerant when you ask something stupid, you always want to make sure you give him examples so you are more clear about it. And make sure you tell him with good timing. It doesn’t sound like you had his attention very well. So what does being more tolerant actually look like? For example, you could say something like, “You know…I’m aware I ask some questions that are not the smartest questions sometimes. Sometimes, it comes out of my mouth and then I wish I never said it and feel stupid. I can be really hard on myself. It would be so amazing to have your help in those moments. I’m already being pretty mean to myself, so it would be really helpful if you just reminded me that I am still loveable, even in those moments. So kiss me on my forehead and tell me you love me or grab my hands and look into my eyes and answer my question as if it wasn’t stupid. It will help me so much to feel your patience with me.” See how you turn it into him being your “hero” and rescuing you vs. telling him he isn’t being enough for you?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
First, I didn’t mean to imply you should have not run and said yes to that guy and every guy. I think it’s GREAT that you ran. You are allowing your instincts and intuition to guide you, which is an important skill. Have you read the section in your library here about developing your feminine intuition? All I am encouraging you to do is to stop tagging each guy as “right” or “wrong” and allow them ALL to be the “right” kind of guy, as there is something to learn from all of them. So even you saying no to this last guy, is you practicing your boundaries, listening to your intuition and trusting that. Well done! Does this make more sense?
I like your re-write so much better! It’s a fun “story” that is more fun to read. How do you feel about it?
So let’s work on your 2nd paragraph:
Yes, there’s more to me than adventure. I’m emotionally healthy, honest, and confident. Like Ruth in the Bible, I’m loyal, hard-working, courageous and know how to appreciate a good man.
People have soooo many different ideas about what emotionally healthy, honest and confident mean, so getting more detailed here to explain what you actually mean could be a good thing. I would also suggest staying away from saying things like “I love being with you” as that is talking to someone you don’t even know, so remain talking just about yourself. So here are a few suggestions, but it would also be great to give more of a story and offer examples of how you imagine these qualities play out for you. I’m just going to give examples, so insert your own.“Ruth, in the bible, has been a role model for me. I remember first learning about her characteristics of being a strong, loyal, hard working and very courageous woman and I was especially drawn to wanting to learn more about her. Those are important qualities I embrace, especially as I traverse the challenges that can show up in my life. I find the spectrum of getting to know someone such a fun adventure!I can tend to be a bit shy at first, but it never stops me from loving the range of deep, philosophical conversations to thoroughly enjoying the intimacy of silence while sipping on a glass of wine or snuggling up next to a fire. Speaking of snuggling up next to a fire, I am a romantic, but not in the traditional storybook way. I find romance can be as simple as leaving a surprise note in my purse for me to find later in the day or me giving a foot rub because he has had a long day and needs some extra attention. I believe it’s important to feel cherished and appreciated in a relationship, so I love to find creative ways to express that.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Carol!
I understand your discomfort with the situation. You are not feeling very secure about the relationship to begin with, so this doesn’t help much.
So I just want to make sure I am reading this correctly. He is going to Aus with his colleague and hanging with her for a few days, then staying with this other girl? How long is he staying with this other girl? Is he going there just to meet her, or is this a business trip?
It does seem a little sketchy the way this is being set up, if I am understanding correctly. Here is the thing Carol. He is going to do and be what he wants. We all will. We cannot control what someone else chooses.
I had a boyfriend for about a year once who had cheated on every single girlfriend before he met me. I knew the odds of him cheating on me were SUPER high and I chose to accept who he was, without freaking out about every little thing he did, due to his history. My choice was to focus on myself and the kind of partner I was. As long as I was being the best kind of partner I could be, as long as I was loving myself and KNEW my value, that’s the very most I could do…what he did with all of that, was his journey. I had to let him be EXACTLY who he wanted to be…and that even meant cheating if he wanted to. If figured if he went down that road with me, I will deal with it, I will hurt AND I will recover and will have learned from the situation. Surprisingly, that scenario never showed up. He told me many times, during our relationship and even after the breakup, that he never cheated because he never felt like I was trying to control him. He felt free to be and do whatever he needed and that actually took away all urge to be with another woman. He just wanted to be with me. He would go out with his friends dancing and drinking, but always come home to me and he LOVED that feelings. I never once hassled him or asked him a ton of questions about other girls (he was a SUPER attractive man and could get any girl he wanted). I just asked if he had fun and he shared what he wanted to. I never got jealous or insecure. The trick was this: I believed, full-heartedly, that he was very lucky to have me in his life. I believed I was a very good catch, so why in the world would he want to be with another woman with all that I had to offer him? I was a spectacular girlfriend! That allowed me to not “worry” or get jealous. I was confident in myself. He is cheated, then that is information I need to know about HIM and the kind of person he is. All I can do is my best and then let the rest go.
I know this is not an easy thing to do or be. It took me many years of doing a lot of deep work to get to that point, but man…it sure was worth all that hard work. I’m not saying it’s a full proof formula for how to get your guy to stay loyal…that’s not the goal really. The goal is to know your value, no matter what. The goal is to love yourself, whether or not your guy stays loyal and connected or not. The goal is to not hand over your self worth to your guy. If he cheats with this woman when he is away, that DOES NOT change your value. If he cheats, that is information you need to know about him. If he cheats, you will hurt, you will cry AND you will recover and be okay! You will learn, you will grow from the experience and receive many wonderful realizations that are important for you. If he cheats, you are still worth loving and fighting for. That’s that goal. That’s what it means to hold onto your own value and not allow someone else to strip that from you, no matter how they decide to behave in the world.
You cannot control what he does. He can re-assure you to the moon and back, but it won’t change that he is putting himself in a situation for something like that to happen. He has a journey to take to learn about himself. Let him do that, even if it means he messes up. Let go of the need to control him. Let him be who he needs to be in this world and trust YOURSELF that even if he chooses to mess up, you will be okay!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
This is a great article! Thank you for sharing! It’s full of all kinds of truths about things many people are not willing to face or deal with. What did you think of the article? Were you surprised about anything you read? Does it all make sense to you, or do you feel you disagree with some of it?
In the online world, you will attract all kinds of guys…the right ones and the wrong ones. It’s just what happens, due to people picking you from a picture and words and not meeting you organically. Have patience! Maybe you can look at this in a bit of a different way. You need some practice setting boundaries and being more assertive, right? Wouldn’t these “wrong” guys be the “right” kind of guys to practice developing your assertiveness skills? Wouldn’t these “wrong” guys help give you the experiences you need for you to get comfortable saying no, setting boundaries, learning to be okay hurting someone’s feelings?? Each guy that comes across your path has something to offer you, no matter how small. Each guy has something to reflect back to you, about yourself, about what works, what doesn’t work, who you are, who you are not. It’s ALL valuable!!! I dated for 20 years, putting myself in all kinds of situations so I could learn. I dated soooooo many “wrong” guys (on purpose) because I had some things I wanted to learn about myself by being around them.
So in summary, my suggestion is to stop tagging each guy as “right” or “wrong” and instead see that each guy is right for you. Each guy has SOME value to offer you.
Does this make sense?
heidi
Lol! Well ou are blessed then! Having a good butt can defintely attract a good amount of attention! AND I imagine you look great in jeans!!! That’s definitely an eye catcher for men! I remember listening to the radio a few years back and they talked about a survey that was done and the #1 thing men looked for most in a woman (physically) is how she looked in jeans. Basically saying..a good butt was more attractive to most men compared to how the women filled out their shirts. So interesting!
I know you are on holiday..but I’m curious. How are you feeling about this guy? You haven’t said much about your attraction factor towards him. What are some of the thoughts you are having about him? Do you feel attraction towards him physically? Emotionally?
Heidi
Emilie! Hahaha! Is your butt a genetic thing or have you worked really hard for it?? That’s spectacular either way! Something to definitely value about yourself ;). working as a Strength Coach for 20 years…BOTH men and women ALWAYS want me to get their butt bigger….lol.
I’m really loving how this is developing! You have respect for him and that is essential. He is in no rush and he is giving you such a good experience of what that feels like! Very excited to keep receiving updates about this!
Enjoy your vacay! That’s a looooong drive!!!
Heidi
Hi Christina!
This is all such good information! I’m glad you have some good awareness around how you have impacted the design of what has happened. It sounds like he really could imagine himself with you, but he needs to feel safe…and with the things you said about things not working out and you should break up, combined with an incredible amount of stress at work, combined with his own personal feelings and baggage…he sure is under a lot of stress!
That’s okay though! You are learning. What’s important is to learn how you can best support him through this time, under the conditions happening right now. I imagine you sharing your challenges from your past with him, may have made him feel quite powerless and uncomfortable. That’s not your fault, as he hasn’t even dealt with his own past. There are ways you can present your intense past to where he won’t have to feel like he needs to fix anything. I’m not sure how you shared your past, but for future reference, it’s always good to share the past and then how you have created closure and healing around that….or that you are still working on healing it….that way he knows you have it handled.
Right now, let’s focus on what you DO know works for both of you. There are ways you can still give him plenty of space AND still support him. Things like making him dinner, giving him compliments where you talk to his best self…like, “I know things are soooo difficult right now. I have a lot of respect for you with you have stepped up and making it all happen. I’ve always thought your work ethic was pretty incredible.” You can send him some funny YouTube videos that you know will make him laugh. You can bake some cookies and leave out for him with a nice little note.
So what kinds of things can you do to help make his life a little easier right now? Your focus is just building connection again.
Heidi
hahahaha! Playing with you for your butt? Do you have a really good butt???
If anything, one quality you know this guy has is impulse control with his sexual thoughts / desires, at least for now. That is actually a quality to ALWAYS look for in a guy. A lack of impulse control means there is A LOT of stuck child energy. Children are impulsive. They want what they want and NOW. It is adult energy that is able to delay satisfaction…delay pleasure for a higher purpose. So whenever dating, you want to watch for that quality. I have amazing impulse control in certain areas and am not the best in other areas of my life (mainly eating chocolate lol). So even if impulse control isn’t perfect, you want to look at how it would affect the relationship. It could be in the areas of money, food or other substances, sex etc. BUT…you also want to watch the opposite side as well. Someone who controls themselves so much so, that they end up not having any fun in life and indulging themselves sometimes…that also is unresolved, stuck child energy that is based in fear. So the balance is someone who has good impulse control, but is also able to let go and have some fun as well. Just some food for thought.
Enjoy your vacation!!!
Heidi
Hi Carol,
I think it’s really important for you to figure out what you want. If you want to really fight for this guy, dating other people will ruin whatever you have right now. If you really want to fight for this relationship, then you figure out how to create a space for him to feel like he WANTS to talk with you. The other girl who he talks to a lot is “easy to talk to.” That gives you a HUGE signal as to what he is really needing from you, if you want more attention and connection from him. From what you said, he has said a few times now, that he feels like you are trying to control him and who he can talk to and what he is allowed to do. Do you see the things you are doing that would make him feel this way?
If you want to keep this relationship growing and getting better, then you gotta fight for it and really begin to make some changes within yourself…REALLY listen to him and work on being a better partner for him vs. having a temper and arguing. If you don’t want to work that hard, then it’s time to let go and have some other experiences.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Spot on! It’s a lot of work trying to get someone to be or do what you need so you can feel good about yourself and the situation. We all want to control though. It’s just our very natural way to do what we can to avoid hurt. The skill is to stay present, honor our needs, honor their needs and honor what shows up vs. trying to change it.
So glad to hear you are working with a therapist! Very smart decision!
Heidi
Hi Colleen!
Yes! It does become easier. It does take time, but it also is helpful when you have an expert helping you through the process. Have you ever worked with a therapist or coach? I can’t remember if we talked about that yet.
Yes, you are spot on! This guy does not want the same kind of relationship you do, so in essence…you are being rescued from a lot of hurt!!! I’m glad you are learning about yourself and recognizing the dynamics that are happening…and acknowledging that it’s not enough for you! you are learning!!! wooohooo!
As far as trusting, here is a turn around for you. I like to think of trust as keeping it to myself and not putting it on others. So here is what I say to myself, “No matter what the other person does, how they behave, their choices…I WILL BE OKAY!” I know that I am resilient. I know that I have been through the worst moments in my life and today, I am happy and love my life! I know the pain and hurt are just moments in time and I will figure out a way to make that pain and hurt work FOR me, instead of to me. So bottom line, it doesn’t matter if people are lying or not. You can only go by the information you are given. If you discover it’s not true, you will be okay! You will get past those moments! Does this make sense? When you put your trust in someone else, it’s like saying “I will trust you if you behave in a certain way.” That never works out, because it is inevitable they are going to mess up!!! We are human! So that’s another reason why your foundational trust needs to be in yourself, because YOU got yourself covered!
Heidi
