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Hi Emilie!
These are some great updates! Thank you for sharing with us!
I love that you are feeling more confident. This is more important than anything that is happening or not happening…you get to see and feel your growth!
So I’m curious….do YOU feel chemistry with this guy? Do you WANT to be romantic with him? Do you see him as a potential relationship? How long have you been dating? Or how many dates has it been so far? I was trying to remember.
I’m glad you are continuing to just go with the flow and just allowing vs. forcing. This is such a new experience for you and there are so many things to learn from doing something different!
I’ve had many similar moments with my girlfriend. Thank goodness for our girls, right? Lots of laughter and bonding at the expense of men lol!
What are you making for dinner?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I am so happy to hear how much the Be Irresistible insights have helped you! It is high quality information and has helped thousands of ladies out there, understand their person so much better. Keep practicing!!!
The first thing I want to suggest is to look up depression and get a better understanding about what you are dealing with. A person can be depressed for a certain amount of time, without the chemicals changing in their brain. However, if it gets to a point where the chemicals do change in the brain, that person needs medication to help them. It’s a great idea to work with a psychiatrist to get the medicine and then find a good therapist to help with healing the wounds and get them stable. Then at some point, when enough healing has taken place, they can come off the meds. But the meds are so important to help stabilize the person and give them a fighting chance. If he would consider going to see a psychiatrist, that would be the place to start. They would be able to diagnose him correctly and work with him to get him into the right balance for his life.
One of my very favorite methods for healing is EMDR. It’s a very powerful method for healing hurt, very quickly. You can go to emdr.com and find a therapist that way. Or…you can just start asking around and see if you can find any recommendations. It sounds like once you can get him squared away and feeling more balanced, THEN you can begin to consider seeing a couple’s therapist for help. He just needs some help first, before anything else can happen.
Do you think he would be willing?
Your focus at the moment would be to do whatever you can to support him. Show him your compassion for what he is going through, show him you are there for him, show him he can lean on you AND help him find the fighting spirit within himself. Your belief in him is crucial. He needs to know you believe in him. I know you are already doing some of that, or you wouldn’t even be here. What other kinds of things can you do to show him these things? How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Janet!
We are glad you are here. Let’s see what we can do to figure this out.
What is the curren status? Are you guys talking to each other? Is he still living at home with you, or has he moved out?
I’m glad that you see how you have contributed to what is going on. The best way to fight for the relationship is to actually DO what you can to heal. By that, I mean it’s time to take some ACTION. Being that he told you that you never worked on things he asked from you, it’s time to step up and show him how serious you are about making changes for the better. With him seeing you make different decisions this time around, it can soften him.
So what kinds of actions can you take to help you better understand your behaviors, shift them and to create a different set up communication skills?
Heidi
Well don’t let that stop you! You can look up all kinds of YouTube or ted talks on developing intuition. I have found there are soooo many ways to develop it and many wonderful teachers. I take little bits of all kinds of information, try it out, test it, live with it and then either discard or embrace it.
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I’m so glad to hear that you are learning more about how to be a better partner with how you treat him.
What kinds of changes have you been implementing and learning that has helped you guys heal?
I gotta be honest and tell you, there is only so much a person can do to heal the past with another person. You can do everything right and changes happen, but there is a point where the other person has to take their own journey inside and choose forgiveness, choose to let go of the hurt and choose connection. No matter what you do, you cannot make him do those things. That is HIS journey to take. He will always be unhappy on some level if he doesn’t face what is happening inside his heart. Would you guys be willing to work with a coach or therapist? That can really help accelerate things and bring in a perspective in ways that you guys won’t have. They can guide you to deeper levels of healing, as long as you both are willing. Just a thought.
Why do you think he is depressed? Has he been like this always, or is this a newer thing?
Heidi
Hi Emily!
hahahaha! What fun interaction!!! I think you guys are meeting today, or maybe you already have. I’m curious to hear what happens!!!
If you read this in time, my suggestion would be to NOT initiate. You are a strong personality Emily and you have total confidence to take the lead and take control of your life. Let HIM lead you. You need to know that he is strong enough to take the lead. That is important for you. He needs to know that you can be patient and allow him to create what he is ready for. Let him make the move. Let him be his manly self and initiate. It’s important for him and it’s important for you to be the receiver.
Can’t wait to hear!!!
Heidi
it’s called “Awakening your Feminine Intuition.” If you don’t have it, maybe there is a way to purchase it separately. Let me know if that interests you and I will find out how to make that happen for you.
Heidi
Much better! There is one part you need to delete for grammatical reasons. Just as a general rule whenever you are writing, you want to avoid the words “this” or “that” as much as you can and replace it with being specific. So in the end, you had the word “that” and instead I included what “that” actually meant. How do you feel about it?
“But there’s more to me than adventure. Ruth is the Biblical woman I identify with the most closely. I see much of me in her – strong, loyal, courageous, honest, hardworking. These are qualities I embrace. I see loyalty and honesty as essential components to a relationship. Although I can be shy and quiet at first, I do enjoy the adventure of getting to know someone. I enjoy a range of communication from a lively conversation to silently snuggling by a fire. And talking about snuggling, I’m a romantic, but romance (DELETE THIS > can be) for me can include simply finding a surprise note in my purse or a foot rub when I get home from a hard day, as well as dressing up for a candlelight dinner. I believe it’s important to feel cherished and appreciated in a relationship, so I TOO love to find creative ways to express MY ROMANTIC TENDENCIES.”
It’s okay that you haven’t gotten any dates! Enjoy this process instead of looking at the “results.” When you focus on the result of it, it takes you away from being able enjoy the many moments you have right in front of you. Your job is to keep living your life and doing what you do, with pleasure, and if a guy shows up along the way to ADD to your day, then great! If not, that’s okay too, because you feel complete and happy with how your life is. That way…it won’t matter if you have dates or not. You are just going with the flow and trusting that whatever shows up for you, or not, is all good. So let me ask you…what meaning are you putting on it that you have no dates? What other thoughts and feelings come up for you when there are no dates?
Hi Rhonda,
Any “wrong” guy I went out with, there was always SOME interest. I knew it most likely was not going to last a long time, but there was always at least some interest and attraction that I felt towards them. So I would step into that allow the experiences to take shape however they did. Looking back, I didn’t always handle the endings in the most graceful way, but that is part of the learning process as well. I admittedly broke a lot of hearts…again – something for me to learn about myself and be able to forgive. Endings are difficult. Probably one of the most graceful ways to end things is to just say “I’m not feeling the way I would like to, in order to move forward.” That has worked well for me. You want to make sure you don’t go into detail about them and what they did to make you feel this way. Keep the focus on yourself. You can really cause some harm by telling them things that are “wrong” with them. If they ask for more detail, which I have faced many times, a good way to respond is by saying something like, “when you shut down and stop communicating with me when your feelings are hurt, that is just a process that doesn’t well for me. It’s important for me to honor that you have a way you like to deal with things and it’s different than how I work. So I will honor your process as I will also honor mine.” Basically, you can want to just point out “differences” and that you honor those “differences” instead of turning any behaviors into a right or wrong judgment. Does this make sense?
There are some guys you can be “friendly” with and practice certain skills with. Guys are going to get the wrong idea sooooo many times! I’ve had that happen a million times, even when I have been very direct. It’s okay! You will deal with it should it ever happen. Again, it’s an opportunity to practice communication, setting boundaries, dealing with hurt feelings.
This is again, about allowing your intuition to guide you. If you feel inspired to get to know someone a little better, allow that to happen, even if he isn’t “mr. right.” If you don’t feel inspired, then honor that. That’s why developing your feminine intuition is really important! It’s a very powerful sense that you have, that is a wonderful guide. By dating around and really developing and using that skillset, by the time you do find mr. right, you will be able to be a much better partner, because of it!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
You ask a great question!
In essence, you being in relationship with him means that you accept his behaviors and you accept being treated this way. Being with him means that you accept who he is, the good, the bad, the ugly. If you spend your time trying to change him or wanting him to be different that who he is…that is where the damage will happen in a relationship. So by accepting him for who he is, that means you agree to how you are treated. It sounds like you are doing a great job with setting boundaries though. It sounds like instead of trying to change him, you are focusing on setting boundaries for yourself and letting him respond accordingly. If your approach is working well for both of you, then keep doing it! Keep using that approach until it doesn’t work. At that point, if it ever comes, you will figure out your next steps at that time.
Lastly, you are NOT responsible or the driving force behind these emotions. His depression and anxiety existed before you came into the picture. You just happen to be pushing the buttons that trigger his emotional responses. The buttons are there in the first place because of HIM…not you. He needs to take responsibility for how he is feeling and you need to allow him to do that. It’s important to care and be connected, but it’s also important to stay connected to the truth that all of his triggers come from experiences in his life that happened before you came along. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
You said something really powerful! You acknowledged you are finding it difficult to offer compliments. Am I understanding this correctly? Tell us more about that. What part do you struggle with? You don’t know what to say? It feels to vulnerable to you to offer a compliment? You struggle with how to say it? Let’s figure this out!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Love is just a really dynamic, unpredictable kind of thing. Love is so layered and has sooooo many different meanings for people. I have heard abused women tell me they love their husband. I have heard women who have countlessly been cheated on say they love their guy so much they can’t imagine their life without them. Is that really love??? They believe it is. The thing about love and why is changes so much and so fast, is because most of our definitions of love and what makes us feel love, or not feel love, comes from a lifetime of role modeling, beliefs we have been taught, experiences we have had, media, our beliefs about ourselves etc. So when someone falls in love and out of love, what influences those dynamics is a network of emotions and feelings that run sooooo deep! And most of the times, those beliefs and emotions live in the subconscious, so him falling out of love, is being influenced by emotions and thoughts he doesn’t even know he has. So…that means that yes, he can be in love, then out of love, then in love again, then out of love again. That is possible for anyone and everyone.
What makes love more constant and stable is when someone becomes more aware of the patterns in their life, the thoughts and feelings they are having around love and they work on healing the wounded parts of themselves, that contribute to their ability to love or not love. When someone doesn’t face their true feelings, fears, hurt….then love will always be messy. They can change partners a million times, but those feelings, fears and hurt will always go with them and will leak out into the relationship in various ways. Love is such a risk. There are never any guarantees, but there are ways to strengthen it, help it grow and become more solid…but the place to start with that, is inside of you and not with him. If you rely on him to behave a certain way so you can feel solid and safe in the relationship, it will never happen. That fear you carry is inside of YOU and that means you are the one that needs to face it, deal with it and work on healing those parts of you that are fearful. That is what will change the dynamics of the relationship more permanently…not him behaving in the way you need to. Does this make sense?
Like I said previously, he is annoyed with his ex’s decision to cut off, because he most likely has hurt feelings about it. Yes, he doesn’t have it all tied up nicely as he would like. He doesn’t have control. He lost his friend. He is hurt.
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Welcome! I am glad you are here sharing your challenges with us.
You are in a very difficult situation right now. The thing is, divorce is REALLY hard, even if everybody is nice and respectful to each other through the process. It’s a loss. It’s a broken dream. It’s a huge lifestyle change. I’m not surprised he is pulling away. First, he needs to listen to his attorney. Going through a divorce and evidence of an affair can really cause a lot of problems for him on so many levels for him. So it sounds like he is doing what he has been advised to do. I’m glad you are giving him space and respecting his boundaries and what he needs to focus on right now.
You have chosen a guy who is not available for you. Playing the role of a mistress means you only got part of him. Going through a divorce and dealing with the loss of this relationship, even if it may be a horrible relationship, means he is still emotionally unavailable and you will only have part of him. It takes a good while to really recover, process and heal from a divorce. He most likely will have a lot of ups and downs….being connected and then not connected and then connected again. Either way, you are choosing a man who doesn’t have the ability to make a relationship with you, a growing priority. Not a single person on earth could offer that to you, when you choose to be the mistress or choose to be with someone who is currently going through a divorce.
I first want to say this…no matter what he decides, it’s so important for you to know you will be okay. Whether he chooses to fight for you or not, you are loveable and valuable and worth fighting for. So what you will do, if he breaks up with you, is cry, hurt and feel horrible for a period of time and then you will get yourself back in order, find your ground again, find your strength again and you will create a new design for your life. You will someday meet another man you want to love and hopefully the next time around, you will choose a man who is available to offer you everything you deserve to have in a relationship.
I do want to ask you….are you really okay bein just the mistress? Are you really okay not bein a priority and being with a man who only offers part of himself to you? Will you share what you really want with this guy? Are you hoping to spend the rest of your life with him?
Heidi
This is great to hear Zobeeda. We cannot control what others do in life, but we can control what we do and how we respond to it. You are doing an INCREDIBLE job fighting against depression, anxiety and fear. Exercise is crucial, so the self defense videos are so good! Meditation will transform your life if you allow it. Hypnosis will help you heal. You are doing some wonderful things to empower your mind, body and spirit! You are being such a wonderful role model for you son. Keep going! I know at the moment it may seem like everything feels so difficult, but what you are doing can shift all of that! Keep doing what you are doing!!!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand you both have the desire for things to be back the way they were. One of the main reasons it isn’t happening is because there are blocks. You don’t trust him. You don’t fully trust that things are not going to nose dive and all of a sudden the carpet is being ripped out from under you. And he most likely is having a similar experience in his own way. How can you expect to feel that closeness, vulnerability and intimacy when you fundamentally don’t trust the relationship? It’s understandable, so it’s important to work on your mindset and deal with that part of yourself. Yes, he could totally do that again. It could happen after 20 years of marriage! That is the reality of love and relationship. So it’s important you keep connecting to trusting YOURSELF that no matter what happens, you will be okay! Keep coming back to that and remind yourself of your strength, your resilience, your resourcefulness, your ability to heal. No matter what he chooses to do with his life and his process, you will be okay. TRUST THAT and stop trying to trust the relationship. It’s not where your trust belongs. You both have some things blocking you from opening up and connecting. All you can do is face your own and take responsibility for that. That might even be a good conversation starter by saying something like, “I notice that we are not as connected as before, so I’ve been really looking at my side of things. I really realized how scared I am that things won’t work out again. But you know what? It’s okay! It’s really helping me to learn to trust myself that I will be okay no matter what happens. Whether we work, or don’t work…not matter what shows up in my life, I am strong enough and resilient and I will always figure out a way to get back up on my feet.” Share it with the intent that you just want to teach him about you and that will help him think and reflect about how he is feeling and then who knows where the conversation will lead. Just a thought….what do you think?
As far as being annoyed about his ex reacting the way she did, of course he would be annoyed. He is being rejected. They were friends. She was someone who part of his day, almost every day and they spent a lot of time together. And now, she has totally rejected him and he lost connection with her. It hurts. It’s a loss and a pretty normal reaction when you lose a friend. Allow him to have those feelings and just let it be that. Work on not putting a story around it that causes you to react and have anxiety. He is having a normal, healthy reaction to losing a friend.
When you ask him to be more tolerant when you ask something stupid, you always want to make sure you give him examples so you are more clear about it. And make sure you tell him with good timing. It doesn’t sound like you had his attention very well. So what does being more tolerant actually look like? For example, you could say something like, “You know…I’m aware I ask some questions that are not the smartest questions sometimes. Sometimes, it comes out of my mouth and then I wish I never said it and feel stupid. I can be really hard on myself. It would be so amazing to have your help in those moments. I’m already being pretty mean to myself, so it would be really helpful if you just reminded me that I am still loveable, even in those moments. So kiss me on my forehead and tell me you love me or grab my hands and look into my eyes and answer my question as if it wasn’t stupid. It will help me so much to feel your patience with me.” See how you turn it into him being your “hero” and rescuing you vs. telling him he isn’t being enough for you?
Heidi
