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Hi Tiana,
It’s understandable that you would be asking this question. The answer is different for each person and that is because each person has different needs and what they are willing to deal with. So you have to answer this yourself. It sounds like you might be coming to the end of your rope. You feel like you are putting in a ton of effort to make this relationship work and you are just not getting the return for your investment. Yes?
There is a point where it’s time to let go, when you start to lose yourself. It’s the point where you are more unhappy than happy and that is the consistent feeling. It’s the point where you start to feel like your joy and laughter for life is starting to diminish. It’s the point where you realize you are becoming something that you don’t like.
Is that where you feel you are at?? If yes, would you consider having an honest conversation with him? You could say something like, “Everything in me wants this to work out between you and I. I am trying everything in my power to create connection, help you through whatever you are dealing with and to help keep our connection alive. It just seems like it’s something you are not interested in. So I’ve been thinking….maybe it’s time I really pay attention to what your actions are telling me. So it’s time for you to be honest with me. I’m at my end now and just don’t have much more to give without receiving some type of response from you or encouragement or something that lets me know you want me here. So I need to hear from you, what you want.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I think he is interested in SOMETHING. You’ve had 5 dates. If he wasn’t interested on some level, you wouldn’t have gotten that far. And remember…normally he has responded with flirting, so don’t take him shutting down your flirting attempt this last time, as him not being interested. You have no idea what was happening for him at the moment. You are starting to create a story about him, without having the FACTS. It’s just a guessing game, nothing factual. You need the facts and information that come directly from his own mouth for you to understand what he really feels for you and what is going on for him. You just don’t know…maybe his last girlfriend, who was the love of his life, died and he is just struggling with moving on, but knows it’s time, because it’s been a few years. Maybe he believes he always messes up relationships somehow, so he is just being really careful. Maybe he was told that he was a really bad kisser and so he is scared to kiss you for fear that he won’t get to keep going on dates with you. Maybe he has erectile dysfunction and is scared that you will find out and walk away. I could come up with many more scenarios that would explain his behavior (or lack of it). Don’t give up hope yet. Whatever story you are creating about him and how he feels about you…whatever story you are saying to yourself that is getting you upset, is NOT based in any kind of factual information. So let’s go down the rabbit hole a bit…if you want to. What IS the story you are saying to yourself that got you upset and is shutting you down?
You didn’t really answer my previous questions. Do you actually like this guy? As a person? Meaning his personality, how you guys talk together and interact….is it fun for you? Does he make you laugh a lot? Do you have fun with him? Do you see potential for this becoming a longer term relationship?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
I wanted to add in one more thing.
I want to address your specific fear about him all of a sudden changing his mind. There could be 2 different scenarios happening there. His feelings really do change that quickly and all of a sudden he doesn’t feel “in love” anymore, or it builds over time. It’s also possible that he lives with his feelings changing each day and he tries to resist it, then one day it’s big enough that he has to say something. To you, it feels all of a sudden, but really it’s been happening slowly over time and he just didn’t tell you.
I personally, have done both of those scenarios. In my younger years, I was much more fickly. One day I was excited to be with the guy and the very next day, all my feelings would be gone and I would find a reason why it wouldn’t work. The poor guys would be dumbfounded! I was dumbfounded as well. Now that I have explored the deeper parts of me, I understand now what was happening. If feelings change all of a sudden, that means something is brewing in the subconscious (usually fear) and then finally appears in the conscious, but shows up as a “shutting down” emotionally. I never had a conscious awareness as to “why” my feelings changed…they just did. Now, I understand that my feelings changing that quickly, activated some very deep fears that I was not connected to at the time. This is something you do not have any control over. Like I said before, this is HIS journey. Of course you are afraid that he may all of a sudden wake up one day and do the same thing again. Reality is, there is nothing HE can do to alleviate your fears as it’s a real possibility again. If you want to find peace, that YOUR journey. Be the kind of person you want him to be. Face those fears you have. Dive into them and get into relationship with them, instead of relying on him to try to convince you otherwise. Your system is smarter than that!
If it was the other scenarios where it was a slow brewing kind of thing and he finally just told you, then that is also HIS journey to take. You cannot force someone to communicate with you. This just may be the kind of guy he is and is not the best at acknowledging his thoughts / feelings therefore, he doesn’t communicate them very well. Again, your job is to find safety within yourself. He can tell you until he is blue in the face that he won’t do it again, but your fear will still be there, acting as a barrier. If you want that connection back, then you gotta chip away at YOUR barrier. Sometimes guys will follow the lead of the woman. If you face your fears and you share some of your process with him, that can help him maybe be inspired to work on his own.
Just some thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Alice,
I realize I may not have said what you wanted to hear or really helped you in the way you wanted. I still wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Let’s keep talking about this! I’m sure you have many thoughts and feelings about all of this. We can help you sift through all of that and get more clear if you feel you need some help with that.
We would love to hear from you again.
Heidi
Hi Marina!
Welcome! We are glad you are here, sharing your challenges with us!
I can see why you would be frustrated. He doesn’t seem to be behaving in a way that would make you feel important and valuable in his life. Let’s see if we can figure this out. I just have a few questions first.
I’d like to get a sense about what yours and his typical patterns are as a couple: You said that you are tired of initiating conversations and when you guys meet up. Is this something new in the relationship, or have you always initiated more? Have you guys ever had an argument? If yes, what is he like? Does he share his deeper thoughts and feelings or do you try to pull it out of him? Does he share his feelings in general? Meaning…would it be a normal thing for him to share his thoughts and feelings and experiences from the weekend voluntarily, or do you typically find out everything because you ask him questions? Have you ever talked about this with him and how you feel? Do you text or talk frequently between the times you see each other?
I understand your desire to want to wait for him to initiate for this week. I suggest you still go live your life. Go make the plans you want to make that make you happy. Plans can always change and shift, so that’s always a possibility if you want to wait for him to initiate. Or…you can initiate a little and then have him do the rest. You can say something like, “Hey there…I have some things I would like to schedule this week, but wanted to make sure I get to see you. I can’t wait to hear about your weekend. Do you have any thoughts about which day we spend together?” How do you feel about saying something like that?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
These are some great updates! Thank you for sharing with us!
I love that you are feeling more confident. This is more important than anything that is happening or not happening…you get to see and feel your growth!
So I’m curious….do YOU feel chemistry with this guy? Do you WANT to be romantic with him? Do you see him as a potential relationship? How long have you been dating? Or how many dates has it been so far? I was trying to remember.
I’m glad you are continuing to just go with the flow and just allowing vs. forcing. This is such a new experience for you and there are so many things to learn from doing something different!
I’ve had many similar moments with my girlfriend. Thank goodness for our girls, right? Lots of laughter and bonding at the expense of men lol!
What are you making for dinner?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I am so happy to hear how much the Be Irresistible insights have helped you! It is high quality information and has helped thousands of ladies out there, understand their person so much better. Keep practicing!!!
The first thing I want to suggest is to look up depression and get a better understanding about what you are dealing with. A person can be depressed for a certain amount of time, without the chemicals changing in their brain. However, if it gets to a point where the chemicals do change in the brain, that person needs medication to help them. It’s a great idea to work with a psychiatrist to get the medicine and then find a good therapist to help with healing the wounds and get them stable. Then at some point, when enough healing has taken place, they can come off the meds. But the meds are so important to help stabilize the person and give them a fighting chance. If he would consider going to see a psychiatrist, that would be the place to start. They would be able to diagnose him correctly and work with him to get him into the right balance for his life.
One of my very favorite methods for healing is EMDR. It’s a very powerful method for healing hurt, very quickly. You can go to emdr.com and find a therapist that way. Or…you can just start asking around and see if you can find any recommendations. It sounds like once you can get him squared away and feeling more balanced, THEN you can begin to consider seeing a couple’s therapist for help. He just needs some help first, before anything else can happen.
Do you think he would be willing?
Your focus at the moment would be to do whatever you can to support him. Show him your compassion for what he is going through, show him you are there for him, show him he can lean on you AND help him find the fighting spirit within himself. Your belief in him is crucial. He needs to know you believe in him. I know you are already doing some of that, or you wouldn’t even be here. What other kinds of things can you do to show him these things? How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Janet!
We are glad you are here. Let’s see what we can do to figure this out.
What is the curren status? Are you guys talking to each other? Is he still living at home with you, or has he moved out?
I’m glad that you see how you have contributed to what is going on. The best way to fight for the relationship is to actually DO what you can to heal. By that, I mean it’s time to take some ACTION. Being that he told you that you never worked on things he asked from you, it’s time to step up and show him how serious you are about making changes for the better. With him seeing you make different decisions this time around, it can soften him.
So what kinds of actions can you take to help you better understand your behaviors, shift them and to create a different set up communication skills?
Heidi
Well don’t let that stop you! You can look up all kinds of YouTube or ted talks on developing intuition. I have found there are soooo many ways to develop it and many wonderful teachers. I take little bits of all kinds of information, try it out, test it, live with it and then either discard or embrace it.
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I’m so glad to hear that you are learning more about how to be a better partner with how you treat him.
What kinds of changes have you been implementing and learning that has helped you guys heal?
I gotta be honest and tell you, there is only so much a person can do to heal the past with another person. You can do everything right and changes happen, but there is a point where the other person has to take their own journey inside and choose forgiveness, choose to let go of the hurt and choose connection. No matter what you do, you cannot make him do those things. That is HIS journey to take. He will always be unhappy on some level if he doesn’t face what is happening inside his heart. Would you guys be willing to work with a coach or therapist? That can really help accelerate things and bring in a perspective in ways that you guys won’t have. They can guide you to deeper levels of healing, as long as you both are willing. Just a thought.
Why do you think he is depressed? Has he been like this always, or is this a newer thing?
Heidi
Hi Emily!
hahahaha! What fun interaction!!! I think you guys are meeting today, or maybe you already have. I’m curious to hear what happens!!!
If you read this in time, my suggestion would be to NOT initiate. You are a strong personality Emily and you have total confidence to take the lead and take control of your life. Let HIM lead you. You need to know that he is strong enough to take the lead. That is important for you. He needs to know that you can be patient and allow him to create what he is ready for. Let him make the move. Let him be his manly self and initiate. It’s important for him and it’s important for you to be the receiver.
Can’t wait to hear!!!
Heidi
it’s called “Awakening your Feminine Intuition.” If you don’t have it, maybe there is a way to purchase it separately. Let me know if that interests you and I will find out how to make that happen for you.
Heidi
Much better! There is one part you need to delete for grammatical reasons. Just as a general rule whenever you are writing, you want to avoid the words “this” or “that” as much as you can and replace it with being specific. So in the end, you had the word “that” and instead I included what “that” actually meant. How do you feel about it?
“But there’s more to me than adventure. Ruth is the Biblical woman I identify with the most closely. I see much of me in her – strong, loyal, courageous, honest, hardworking. These are qualities I embrace. I see loyalty and honesty as essential components to a relationship. Although I can be shy and quiet at first, I do enjoy the adventure of getting to know someone. I enjoy a range of communication from a lively conversation to silently snuggling by a fire. And talking about snuggling, I’m a romantic, but romance (DELETE THIS > can be) for me can include simply finding a surprise note in my purse or a foot rub when I get home from a hard day, as well as dressing up for a candlelight dinner. I believe it’s important to feel cherished and appreciated in a relationship, so I TOO love to find creative ways to express MY ROMANTIC TENDENCIES.”
It’s okay that you haven’t gotten any dates! Enjoy this process instead of looking at the “results.” When you focus on the result of it, it takes you away from being able enjoy the many moments you have right in front of you. Your job is to keep living your life and doing what you do, with pleasure, and if a guy shows up along the way to ADD to your day, then great! If not, that’s okay too, because you feel complete and happy with how your life is. That way…it won’t matter if you have dates or not. You are just going with the flow and trusting that whatever shows up for you, or not, is all good. So let me ask you…what meaning are you putting on it that you have no dates? What other thoughts and feelings come up for you when there are no dates?
Hi Rhonda,
Any “wrong” guy I went out with, there was always SOME interest. I knew it most likely was not going to last a long time, but there was always at least some interest and attraction that I felt towards them. So I would step into that allow the experiences to take shape however they did. Looking back, I didn’t always handle the endings in the most graceful way, but that is part of the learning process as well. I admittedly broke a lot of hearts…again – something for me to learn about myself and be able to forgive. Endings are difficult. Probably one of the most graceful ways to end things is to just say “I’m not feeling the way I would like to, in order to move forward.” That has worked well for me. You want to make sure you don’t go into detail about them and what they did to make you feel this way. Keep the focus on yourself. You can really cause some harm by telling them things that are “wrong” with them. If they ask for more detail, which I have faced many times, a good way to respond is by saying something like, “when you shut down and stop communicating with me when your feelings are hurt, that is just a process that doesn’t well for me. It’s important for me to honor that you have a way you like to deal with things and it’s different than how I work. So I will honor your process as I will also honor mine.” Basically, you can want to just point out “differences” and that you honor those “differences” instead of turning any behaviors into a right or wrong judgment. Does this make sense?
There are some guys you can be “friendly” with and practice certain skills with. Guys are going to get the wrong idea sooooo many times! I’ve had that happen a million times, even when I have been very direct. It’s okay! You will deal with it should it ever happen. Again, it’s an opportunity to practice communication, setting boundaries, dealing with hurt feelings.
This is again, about allowing your intuition to guide you. If you feel inspired to get to know someone a little better, allow that to happen, even if he isn’t “mr. right.” If you don’t feel inspired, then honor that. That’s why developing your feminine intuition is really important! It’s a very powerful sense that you have, that is a wonderful guide. By dating around and really developing and using that skillset, by the time you do find mr. right, you will be able to be a much better partner, because of it!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
You ask a great question!
In essence, you being in relationship with him means that you accept his behaviors and you accept being treated this way. Being with him means that you accept who he is, the good, the bad, the ugly. If you spend your time trying to change him or wanting him to be different that who he is…that is where the damage will happen in a relationship. So by accepting him for who he is, that means you agree to how you are treated. It sounds like you are doing a great job with setting boundaries though. It sounds like instead of trying to change him, you are focusing on setting boundaries for yourself and letting him respond accordingly. If your approach is working well for both of you, then keep doing it! Keep using that approach until it doesn’t work. At that point, if it ever comes, you will figure out your next steps at that time.
Lastly, you are NOT responsible or the driving force behind these emotions. His depression and anxiety existed before you came into the picture. You just happen to be pushing the buttons that trigger his emotional responses. The buttons are there in the first place because of HIM…not you. He needs to take responsibility for how he is feeling and you need to allow him to do that. It’s important to care and be connected, but it’s also important to stay connected to the truth that all of his triggers come from experiences in his life that happened before you came along. Does this make sense?
Heidi
