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Hi Tiana,
That sounds like a defeated type of response. Maybe you are at your end? What is happening? Are you starting to feel like you want to let go?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I LOVE all the updates! Sharing all of your thoughts and moments throughout the day is really helpful to understand more and more about who you are.
I would like to dig a little deeper in your need to find a man. Do you tend to go through phases where you feel content and happy without a man and don’t really look? Or are you always looking…wanting to find someone.
As far as the guy on the train, I wouldn’t do anything at this point. It seems, in your mind, he might be a possibility, because he smiled at you. That is what is leading me to ask about your motivation to finding a man. I know MANY ladies who end up falling for a guy just because he gave them attention. That attention felt soooo good, they didn’t even really consider how they felt about the guy and all the things that are important for a relationship. I’ve been in that space before too! I sometimes still drop into that. I have times where I so badly just want to be noticed or paid attention to. Like most people, my natural inclination is to search for it from the outside and hope to get my needs met by a guy. That is not a healthy mindset / energy to have when searching for someone. It feels like maybe you are in that space?? It’s just a guess from what you are telling us, so I’d like to hear from you and your thoughts about this…
I love your new profile btw! It’s really fun!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
I just wanted to check in and see how you were feeling about everything we are saying. Any new realizations, thoughts, feelings? Are you finding anymore clarity?
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing with everything. You have a lot to process and think about. Where are you at? Are you learning anything new that is helping you become more clear?We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Kalela,
I just wanted to check in. We haven’t heard back from you, so I’m wondering if your situation has changed. Were you able to resolve the money issues? Have you changed your feelings about it?
We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to check in and see how things were going. How are you feeling about your situation? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Marina,
I just wanted to check in and see how things were going. How do you feel about what I suggested? Any thoughts? Wanting to take a different approach? Any other questions?
We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
HI April!
Welcome! We are glad you are here! Thank you for sharing your challenges with us.
It does sound like there is A LOT of water under the bridge. It sounds like you BOTH have a lot of work to do on yourselves individually and then as a couple. The man you want back, is gone. That is important for you to understand. The most important thing right now, is to accept who he is today, just as he needs to accept who you are today. It sounds like you are chasing a man that is depressed and angry. That is who he today. That is how he deals with his hurt. Of course he has walls up. Those are going to stay up for awhile until the both of you really figure some things out.
This is going to take a lot of time and work to heal the relationship. I love that you are working on the Relationship Rewrite methods! Is he willing to do any work? What is the current status? Are you guys back together? Talking a lot? Trying to make things work? Or are you trying to get his attention again right now? Would you consider working with a therapist or coach to help heal things? There really are some deep rooted issues that need to be addressed in order for healing to take place. Is he on any medication for his depression?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Has he been texting you at all, even just to say hi? I like the plan. I agree…he needs to initiate now. Something is “off” a bit about this whole situation. He is sending some mixed signals. I wonder if he is aware of that?
You may also consider just asking him directly, whenever you see him next. You could say something like, “I need your help with something. I’m not quite sure how to interpret something and you are the only one who can help me. I like you and I like hanging out with you. I am very clear about that. It feels like maybe you aren’t very clear about how you feel about me. Sometimes you flirt and sometimes you don’t. There are no signs I have seen that show you are interested in kissing me and I sonder a lot…are we just creating a friendship here? So…can you help me out here?”
Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
So then the question lies with you…if he doesn’t know what he wants, then what do you want? He I not able to offer you what you need right now and who knows when and if that will change. At some point, something will change, as that is the nature of relationship. It will either get better or worse (at least on your side of things). So you need to decide, with the information you have right now, what you are willing to deal with.
What’s important is that if you choose to stay, you need to accept him for exactly who he is. That is so important! So you have to ask yourself, can I be with this man for 10 more year and be happy with who he is? Do I like him as a person? Do I like how I feel when I am around him? My guess is, you might not feel these kinds of things at the moment. Maybe you are not ready to let him go quite yet. If you still want to keep fighting for the relationship, then how are you going to do that? What kinds of things can you do to work on yourself to become a better partner? How can you grow for yourself and figure out ways to get your needs met?
Then you have also ask yourself, at what point do you say enough is enough and let go? What more information do you need in order to let this go?
It’s like trying to make the most beautiful cake, but one of the ingredients you are handed is 1 cup of shit. So you can have the very best ingredients on the face of the planet, but you still have to deal with that 1 cup of shit. No matter what you do, how much sugar you add, how beautiful you make it look, there just is no way that cake is going to taste good. So you can either keep trying to make the cake work or you can accept that the ingredients you have to make the cake are just not enough to ever make something that cake amazing!
So where are you at with all of this?
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
It’s understandable that you would be asking this question. The answer is different for each person and that is because each person has different needs and what they are willing to deal with. So you have to answer this yourself. It sounds like you might be coming to the end of your rope. You feel like you are putting in a ton of effort to make this relationship work and you are just not getting the return for your investment. Yes?
There is a point where it’s time to let go, when you start to lose yourself. It’s the point where you are more unhappy than happy and that is the consistent feeling. It’s the point where you start to feel like your joy and laughter for life is starting to diminish. It’s the point where you realize you are becoming something that you don’t like.
Is that where you feel you are at?? If yes, would you consider having an honest conversation with him? You could say something like, “Everything in me wants this to work out between you and I. I am trying everything in my power to create connection, help you through whatever you are dealing with and to help keep our connection alive. It just seems like it’s something you are not interested in. So I’ve been thinking….maybe it’s time I really pay attention to what your actions are telling me. So it’s time for you to be honest with me. I’m at my end now and just don’t have much more to give without receiving some type of response from you or encouragement or something that lets me know you want me here. So I need to hear from you, what you want.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I think he is interested in SOMETHING. You’ve had 5 dates. If he wasn’t interested on some level, you wouldn’t have gotten that far. And remember…normally he has responded with flirting, so don’t take him shutting down your flirting attempt this last time, as him not being interested. You have no idea what was happening for him at the moment. You are starting to create a story about him, without having the FACTS. It’s just a guessing game, nothing factual. You need the facts and information that come directly from his own mouth for you to understand what he really feels for you and what is going on for him. You just don’t know…maybe his last girlfriend, who was the love of his life, died and he is just struggling with moving on, but knows it’s time, because it’s been a few years. Maybe he believes he always messes up relationships somehow, so he is just being really careful. Maybe he was told that he was a really bad kisser and so he is scared to kiss you for fear that he won’t get to keep going on dates with you. Maybe he has erectile dysfunction and is scared that you will find out and walk away. I could come up with many more scenarios that would explain his behavior (or lack of it). Don’t give up hope yet. Whatever story you are creating about him and how he feels about you…whatever story you are saying to yourself that is getting you upset, is NOT based in any kind of factual information. So let’s go down the rabbit hole a bit…if you want to. What IS the story you are saying to yourself that got you upset and is shutting you down?
You didn’t really answer my previous questions. Do you actually like this guy? As a person? Meaning his personality, how you guys talk together and interact….is it fun for you? Does he make you laugh a lot? Do you have fun with him? Do you see potential for this becoming a longer term relationship?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
I wanted to add in one more thing.
I want to address your specific fear about him all of a sudden changing his mind. There could be 2 different scenarios happening there. His feelings really do change that quickly and all of a sudden he doesn’t feel “in love” anymore, or it builds over time. It’s also possible that he lives with his feelings changing each day and he tries to resist it, then one day it’s big enough that he has to say something. To you, it feels all of a sudden, but really it’s been happening slowly over time and he just didn’t tell you.
I personally, have done both of those scenarios. In my younger years, I was much more fickly. One day I was excited to be with the guy and the very next day, all my feelings would be gone and I would find a reason why it wouldn’t work. The poor guys would be dumbfounded! I was dumbfounded as well. Now that I have explored the deeper parts of me, I understand now what was happening. If feelings change all of a sudden, that means something is brewing in the subconscious (usually fear) and then finally appears in the conscious, but shows up as a “shutting down” emotionally. I never had a conscious awareness as to “why” my feelings changed…they just did. Now, I understand that my feelings changing that quickly, activated some very deep fears that I was not connected to at the time. This is something you do not have any control over. Like I said before, this is HIS journey. Of course you are afraid that he may all of a sudden wake up one day and do the same thing again. Reality is, there is nothing HE can do to alleviate your fears as it’s a real possibility again. If you want to find peace, that YOUR journey. Be the kind of person you want him to be. Face those fears you have. Dive into them and get into relationship with them, instead of relying on him to try to convince you otherwise. Your system is smarter than that!
If it was the other scenarios where it was a slow brewing kind of thing and he finally just told you, then that is also HIS journey to take. You cannot force someone to communicate with you. This just may be the kind of guy he is and is not the best at acknowledging his thoughts / feelings therefore, he doesn’t communicate them very well. Again, your job is to find safety within yourself. He can tell you until he is blue in the face that he won’t do it again, but your fear will still be there, acting as a barrier. If you want that connection back, then you gotta chip away at YOUR barrier. Sometimes guys will follow the lead of the woman. If you face your fears and you share some of your process with him, that can help him maybe be inspired to work on his own.
Just some thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Alice,
I realize I may not have said what you wanted to hear or really helped you in the way you wanted. I still wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Let’s keep talking about this! I’m sure you have many thoughts and feelings about all of this. We can help you sift through all of that and get more clear if you feel you need some help with that.
We would love to hear from you again.
Heidi
Hi Marina!
Welcome! We are glad you are here, sharing your challenges with us!
I can see why you would be frustrated. He doesn’t seem to be behaving in a way that would make you feel important and valuable in his life. Let’s see if we can figure this out. I just have a few questions first.
I’d like to get a sense about what yours and his typical patterns are as a couple: You said that you are tired of initiating conversations and when you guys meet up. Is this something new in the relationship, or have you always initiated more? Have you guys ever had an argument? If yes, what is he like? Does he share his deeper thoughts and feelings or do you try to pull it out of him? Does he share his feelings in general? Meaning…would it be a normal thing for him to share his thoughts and feelings and experiences from the weekend voluntarily, or do you typically find out everything because you ask him questions? Have you ever talked about this with him and how you feel? Do you text or talk frequently between the times you see each other?
I understand your desire to want to wait for him to initiate for this week. I suggest you still go live your life. Go make the plans you want to make that make you happy. Plans can always change and shift, so that’s always a possibility if you want to wait for him to initiate. Or…you can initiate a little and then have him do the rest. You can say something like, “Hey there…I have some things I would like to schedule this week, but wanted to make sure I get to see you. I can’t wait to hear about your weekend. Do you have any thoughts about which day we spend together?” How do you feel about saying something like that?
Heidi
