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Hi Emily,
I understand you need to know the physical part to see if things are gonna work out. If you think about it though, figuring out if things are gonna work for long term, takes a loooong time. In perspective, 3 months is so little time in comparison to spending many years with someone. My plan is to personally wait a minimum of 6 months. I’ve never done that before, but I figure why not? If a guy is gonna go the distance with me, 6 months is nothing! It really allows the time and space to get to know each other in other ways. Whether we like it or not, the physical intimacy can really change the dynamics. When sex gets involved and there is an underdeveloped friendship, its easy to not see things as clearly. When it comes to the business of my heart, I want to see as clearly as possible. Waiting is an incredible challenge, but a good challenge!!!
Here is an article that is a very simple summary of some things to think about.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Still haven’t heard from the other guy?
As far as this new guy, it’s off to a great start at least. Handling him is simple…if he advances too quickly, you just be honest with your needs. If he can’t handle that, then that is information you need to know about him. You can even have a conversation where you say, “As much as I am attracted to you and want to take you to bed with me, let’s set a guideline to wait 3 months. If we make it that far, we will know for sure we like each other, we will have gotten to know each other even better and it will make sex that much better.” Although, I have full confidence you will handle each situation in the way you feel comfortable. You will know what you want to do, when the situation arises.
Did he pick a good dinner place?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I’m glad to hear he finally connected and was being funny. Humor amidst chaos can actually be quite healing and shift the energy into connection and bonding!
When you texted him something similar to what I suggested, what was the context of the conversation? Did he have any type of response?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Just checking in. How are you processing everything? How are you feeling about your next steps forward? Or maybe you are still confused?
We would love to hear from you…Heidi
I was having the very same thoughts! You need a guy who has the confidence and inner strength to not let anything hold him back from wanting every ounce of you…both sexually and emotionally. You have the capacity to offer the same in return. This guy isn’t showing up that way.
I gotta tell ya though…it was good practice for you to let him take the lead, right? You have such a strong personality, that it’s REALLY easy for you to just go get what you want. You got to feel a different part of yourself and take a back seat and let him lead. It’s not often a lady gets to practice being with a guy who isn’t making strong sexual advances from the beginning. And now you have really good information about him…he is not a leader that inspires you.
On to the next one….
Heidi
Hi Debra,
I understand now. Stale is not the most accurate word. This is actually one of the most common scenarios I hear and the reasons it’s happening, are plenty! Online dating is so difficult! Most of the time, you don’t know the full story. The guy could already be in a relationship, he may have found someone else more suited to his tastes, he may just be looking for hookups, he may be just rebounding…the reasons are endless! The challenge is to not take it personal and THAT is so difficult for a woman. I imagine you wondering what the heck is wrong with YOU that the guys are disappearing…yes? The thing is, there hasn’t been enough time together to say anything went “wrong.” You only go out for such a short time, there really is no way for there to be any traction. When things fizzle that quickly, there just isn’t enough interest, for some reason you will never know. And again…you are not alone! This is one of the most common stories I hear from people. Both men and women. The gift in all of this though, is it gives you an opportunity to connect to yourself. When the guys leave and you are wondering what is “wrong” with you that this is happening, you may be able to find some things you can do differently as you analyze the situation BUT it is crucial to also remind yourself that you are worth knowing, you have a lot to offer and any guy would be honored to get to know the depths of who you are inside. These are opportunities for you to keep your value HIGH and not let these guys define your value, just because they aren’t interested. It’s good practice to keep holding onto your HIGH value in the face of rejection. It’s important to know how to stay connected to yourself and your worth in the face of not being chosen. These are opportunities where YOU get to choose you, when they are not.
With this current guy, it’s the same thing. When you know that you are worth choosing, from the depths of your cells, there is a confidence that oozes out of you that is VERY attractive to men. They will feel that you are okay without them. Instead, you have some fear about losing this guy. You can fake it as much as you want, but guys can sense stuff like that. So what can you do to get centered and connected with the truth of who you are? What can you do to face this fear of him losing interest?
Heidi
Hi Debra,
This makes more sense why you are asking this. Just a few more questions then. Do you think the guys in the past bailed because things were stale? Do you feel you were the cause of them disappearing?
I’m asking these questions because I’m sensing a lack of confidence in who you are in a certain area. If you know you are not a boring person, then how could things possibly go stale??? Since this is a concern of yours, yet you have confidence you are not boring, I’m wondering what beliefs you have about yourself that you would think a relationship could go stale with you…Does this make sense?
Maybe stale isn’t the most accurate word…they may lose interest, but that doesn’t mean it went stale. They could lose interest for all different kinds of reasons. Is there maybe another word that would better describe what you are trying to avoid?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
Something you may want to say to him in response to him not wanting to share his work life with you, “I’m not asking you to share so I can worry or try to help you fix it. I’m just asking you to share because I like learning about you. I completely trust your process and have no doubt you can handle whatever is happening (you are pumping up his hero in this statement). I am just interested in you…how you think, how you process everything, how you respond to your life.” Maybe if you reframe it that way, he may see a different perspective of why sharing is a GOOD thing!
As far as how often you compliment him on connecting with you, it’s hard to say. Every once in awhile is enough. However, you can compliment him in other areas of his life as well. The idea is to keep your attention on what IS working, instead of what isn’t working. At the same time, you also want to figure out ways to still get your needs met. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the guy just won’t get on board with improving his way of functioning in a relationship…and that means it’s time to walk away and honor your needs, by accepting who he is and knowing he isn’t the best fit for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Deb,
Welcome! Great question! I have a question in return. Do you feel you are a boring person? Is there a pattern of relationships going stale in your past? Do you find that guys lose interest in you over time?
Heidi
Oh Alice,
I’m so sorry! This is not going in the direction you are wanting and he just isn’t responding. There obviously is a lot happening that you don’t have any information about.
My suggestion is to start creating your own life. I recommend to start looking for a job and start to create your own life. He is completely ignoring you and may at some point, stop sending you money. You are relying on him as a source of income and he is incognito right now. Get yourself solid and taken care of, that way if he pulls the money away, you won’t be scrambling. If you do get another job, he might actually even appreciate that you made the effort to take care of yourself instead of relying on him.
He is sending a pretty clear message…he is not contacting you, for whatever reason. He knows how to find you if he decides otherwise. I think it’s time to let go.
If this is something you are not willing to do, I get it! Just keep waiting then. Keep giving him space and stay away. He needs to come after you, when and if he is ready. There is nothing more you can do at this point. Activating his hero instinct at this point, is not something that will have an affect on him. He is going through so much right now, I’m sure his capacity to care about others, has dwindled.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. I wish I could tell you otherwise….
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Thanks for sharing more.
So how does it make you feel that he needs things to go his way most of the time? How does it make you feel when he doesn’t accept how you are feeling? How do you feel about being on his time schedule and putting aside what you need?
As far as opening up 100%, I think it’s more about looking at what works for you and the kind of relationship you would like to have. Everybody has varying degrees of how much they open up and the kind of relationship they want. For me, I’m interested in having my partner be my best friend. A best friend, to me, is someone I tell pretty much everything to, someone I feel emotionally safe with and tell my most personal thoughts / feelings. I would need the same in return. Now let’s talk about what you want. How would you like to be connected to him? Would you like to have more intimate exchanges? What does your version of emotional intimacy look like?
Heidi
Maaaan! Bummer! It doesn’t sound like there is much energy coming from his side of things. How are you feeling about all of this???
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Thank you for sharing all of this!
I think it’s important that you pay attention to how YOU are feeling. It sounds like you don’t feel heard, validated or cared about. From what you are saying, he seems to feel his opinion is the “right” one and he doesn’t really listen to your opinion or side of the story very well.
Is this accurate with how you feel?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
My heart goes out to you. Having a great connection with your guy and then watching it slowly slip from your hands…it’s sooooo hard! It’s triggers a very powerless kind of feeling.
Here’s the thing. You are confused, because you are trying to figure out what is really true…he is sending a lot of mixed signals, both with his words and his actions. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what is REALLY going on! How about instead, focusing on what you DO know and work with that. What you DO know, is that you are not happy in the relationship and how it functions right now. Deal with the present and not the past and what used to be.
I think it might be time to have a heart to heart. Focus on you and how you are feeling and not the other girl. So you can start the conversation by saying something like, “You know….I fully believe you and I have the makings of a great relationship. When we share open heartedly, when we play together, when we talk…I feel like we have a great connection. I know what that feels like with you. In the past 6 months, it doesn’t quite feel the same anymore. Now, it feels like we are less connected, talking less and it feels like maybe you are not as invested in “us” as much as you used to be. I think it’s time to really talk authentically about how we function together now. I’m starting to feel like maybe you are not happy and I am starting to feel myself turn into somebody I don’t like. I don’t want to be constantly asking about the other girl and I don’t like that you feel you have to hide your phone from me. So let’s figure out what can work for both us.”
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
I know the message I wrote out before may seem short and abrupt. I was thinking it was within the “rules” that need to be abided by while he is going through this.
It sounds like he may not even get the message. You can still say the same thing but if you want to add a little “invitation” into it, so he feels like you are still available, you can add something like, “I’m sending you a lot of good thoughts as you go through this. I’m always here in case you need a dose of some fun.”
Truth is though, he is gonna need to reach out at some point, regardless of what you say. He is still paying you and I imagine there will be a point when a conversation is needed.
Just be you. That is what is most important. Whatever it is that you say, trust that if he comes back to you, it will be for many OTHER more important reasons than what you say to him about Monday.
Heidi
