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I hope you have some fun tonight! You sure do deserve it! Meetup.com is free, which is nice. Maybe there is something like that there! It’s not a dating site. People just join groups of the same interest as them, so there are groups for politics, religion, science, hiking, dog groups etc. You can create your own group too…whatever you want. I figure that is one of the best ways to meet people organically who have the same interests as you. Regardless, you are just going to have some fun tonight with some girlfriends which is always good medicine!
Heidi
Hi Alice,
I understand you so badly want to fix things. First, I think it’s important that you understand he was part of the equation as well. Even though you had anxiety and may have said or done things he didn’t like, he also has done the same. This is not all your fault. It takes 2 people to create a situation. You have done the very best you know how and he is not responding. That is on HIM!
I think you are lost because you are not getting what you want and you are putting all of your life in HIS hands. The way to NOT feel lost is take back the control of your life. You are waiting for him. You are putting your life on hold, waiting for him to respond in some way. As long as that is your approach, you will stay feeling lost.
Instead, accept his choice to not respond. Stop playing guessing games as to what everything means (like not cutting off the credit card or taking back the key). Accept his choice. Once you accept his choice, you can then start to build your life on your own. You are not accepting his choice and that he IS communicating to you his choice…through silence. You just don’t want to listen. So this is more about you choosing to finally listen, if you want to stop suffering. If you want to stop feeling so lost, start building your life on your own, without him in it. When and if he decides to reach out, you want to be grounded and centered in your life, not desperate for his attention. That will make him run the other direction soooo fast! But if he sees you have your own life, don’t “need” him and you are secure…that will be attractive to him. You’ve got to make him work for your attention. You just want to give him whatever he wants, even after ignoring you for many weeks. A man will NEVER respect a woman like that and I imagine you want his respect. So start building your life without him.
Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
This is so great!!! He is responding on a whole new level! I love that you are so busy that you can’t respond right away. It creates some space and that is VERY necessary right now.
I agree with Kanya. He needs to initiate the next meeting. Of course you want to see him. But think of how amazing it would feel for you, for HIM to initiate without you having done anything to make that happen. I think that is important for you to know AND it’s important for him to take that step. You don’t want your first time seeing each other because he has to come help you “fix” something, right? What you REALLY want is for HIM to initiate asking you out on a date. So just wait. I know that sucks and I know you want things much faster than him. Being patient is a very important thing to activate right now. What is more important than creating a scenario where you get to see him, is for you to wait and let him initiate when HE is ready. Women move much faster than men in general, so the lady has to find the patience to let the guy go at his own pace. It helps him feel safe and respected. What you are doing is working right now. Stick with that and give it time to evolve into more without trying to push it faster. Does this make sense??? How does this make you feel??
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I love that you are learning to offer compliments in a more specific way. I agree…it’s very easy for a “thanks” to get lost. It’s not personal. You are finding ways to be much more powerful and impactful in your life! Well done! And it sounds like it’s working just a bit with your ex.
As far as if he cancels, I would phrase your response a little differently. Being that he is dating someone new, he may feel pretty conflicted about coming to visit you. He may have a lot of hesitation due to many different reasons. It’s a risk to come visit you. So if he cancels again, instead of saying “I know you want to see me…” (that’s pretty assumptive and has a pressure feeling to it) you can say something like “No problem! I trust that if you are meant to come visit me, it will happen when it’s meant to happen. I would love to see you, but I also understand you have a lot going on, including a new girl you are dating. I can respect that. So I trust your process and that you will do whatever feels good for you.” Feel the difference??
As far as the letter, I would suggest waiting a bit. If he does end up coming to visit, that might be a really good conversation to have in person. But….it’s also a great practice to write it all out. It can help you get much more clear about what you want to say and how you want to say it. So I suggest writing the letter and go through it a handful of times. If he doesn’t come and visit, then at that point, it would be a good thing to send him. I even like suggesting to hand write it, as it’s more personal. AND…what is really important is that you offer that letter without attachment to it. Meaning….write it with the intention to just express your thoughts vs. being attached to getting him back. The letter is a great way to clear the air and take responsibility, but when you expect something in return is when the energy of the letter can change. Write it for you. Write it because it’s the kind of person you are and want to be in this world. Does this make sense?
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
OOOOHHH NOOOOO!!!!
What happened??? Did you hear from the new guy and go on the date??? That is soooo strange for him to make that much effort, constantly calling you and connecting, only to end up ghosting! I hope that was not the end result. Let us know.
And the shy guy….not sure what the point of it was either. He really is missing out on you. All of these guys are. It’s a common situation! I know sooo many kickass ladies who get ghosted, get played or are not valued for who they really are. All of them are really frustrated with the dating scene…especially the online platforms. Many of them, like you, get sick of it and just need to take a break. I don’t blame you for wanting to step back for a second. It is a TON of effort with little in return. That is why I help the ladies find other ways to meet people…organically and not through the online platform.
Maybe that is the avenue you can take for this next phase. Do you guys have Meetup.com over there? I had a client a few years back who decided to take things into her own hands. She started her own “singles” group. She just started putting together monthly social activities and inviting every single person that came across her path. It was CRAZY how fast that group grew in numbers. She ended up creating a Facebook group and then just posts the social event there. She hasn’t found anyone yet, but there have been a handful of couples that have come out of it. Regardless, she has a blast! She has over 500 members of the group now…and it started with 10 people. I keep telling her she should turn it into a business as she is so good at it.
Heidi
Hi Junie!
This is great! See how the dynamics can change so easily when you are busy and not focused on whether or not he is texting you? It’s really good to wait sometimes. I know it can go against a woman’s nature to wait awhile before you respond, but it let’s your guy know you are not sitting by your phone and super available anytime he wants to connect. Him having to wait for a response from you, can be a really healthy thing. It can create a certain amount of respect and ease in his mind, knowing his woman has a life 🙂
I’m curious how you chose to eventually respond! Thank you for sharing all the details! This is great!
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I understand you need to know the physical part to see if things are gonna work out. If you think about it though, figuring out if things are gonna work for long term, takes a loooong time. In perspective, 3 months is so little time in comparison to spending many years with someone. My plan is to personally wait a minimum of 6 months. I’ve never done that before, but I figure why not? If a guy is gonna go the distance with me, 6 months is nothing! It really allows the time and space to get to know each other in other ways. Whether we like it or not, the physical intimacy can really change the dynamics. When sex gets involved and there is an underdeveloped friendship, its easy to not see things as clearly. When it comes to the business of my heart, I want to see as clearly as possible. Waiting is an incredible challenge, but a good challenge!!!
Here is an article that is a very simple summary of some things to think about.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Still haven’t heard from the other guy?
As far as this new guy, it’s off to a great start at least. Handling him is simple…if he advances too quickly, you just be honest with your needs. If he can’t handle that, then that is information you need to know about him. You can even have a conversation where you say, “As much as I am attracted to you and want to take you to bed with me, let’s set a guideline to wait 3 months. If we make it that far, we will know for sure we like each other, we will have gotten to know each other even better and it will make sex that much better.” Although, I have full confidence you will handle each situation in the way you feel comfortable. You will know what you want to do, when the situation arises.
Did he pick a good dinner place?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I’m glad to hear he finally connected and was being funny. Humor amidst chaos can actually be quite healing and shift the energy into connection and bonding!
When you texted him something similar to what I suggested, what was the context of the conversation? Did he have any type of response?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Just checking in. How are you processing everything? How are you feeling about your next steps forward? Or maybe you are still confused?
We would love to hear from you…Heidi
I was having the very same thoughts! You need a guy who has the confidence and inner strength to not let anything hold him back from wanting every ounce of you…both sexually and emotionally. You have the capacity to offer the same in return. This guy isn’t showing up that way.
I gotta tell ya though…it was good practice for you to let him take the lead, right? You have such a strong personality, that it’s REALLY easy for you to just go get what you want. You got to feel a different part of yourself and take a back seat and let him lead. It’s not often a lady gets to practice being with a guy who isn’t making strong sexual advances from the beginning. And now you have really good information about him…he is not a leader that inspires you.
On to the next one….
Heidi
Hi Debra,
I understand now. Stale is not the most accurate word. This is actually one of the most common scenarios I hear and the reasons it’s happening, are plenty! Online dating is so difficult! Most of the time, you don’t know the full story. The guy could already be in a relationship, he may have found someone else more suited to his tastes, he may just be looking for hookups, he may be just rebounding…the reasons are endless! The challenge is to not take it personal and THAT is so difficult for a woman. I imagine you wondering what the heck is wrong with YOU that the guys are disappearing…yes? The thing is, there hasn’t been enough time together to say anything went “wrong.” You only go out for such a short time, there really is no way for there to be any traction. When things fizzle that quickly, there just isn’t enough interest, for some reason you will never know. And again…you are not alone! This is one of the most common stories I hear from people. Both men and women. The gift in all of this though, is it gives you an opportunity to connect to yourself. When the guys leave and you are wondering what is “wrong” with you that this is happening, you may be able to find some things you can do differently as you analyze the situation BUT it is crucial to also remind yourself that you are worth knowing, you have a lot to offer and any guy would be honored to get to know the depths of who you are inside. These are opportunities for you to keep your value HIGH and not let these guys define your value, just because they aren’t interested. It’s good practice to keep holding onto your HIGH value in the face of rejection. It’s important to know how to stay connected to yourself and your worth in the face of not being chosen. These are opportunities where YOU get to choose you, when they are not.
With this current guy, it’s the same thing. When you know that you are worth choosing, from the depths of your cells, there is a confidence that oozes out of you that is VERY attractive to men. They will feel that you are okay without them. Instead, you have some fear about losing this guy. You can fake it as much as you want, but guys can sense stuff like that. So what can you do to get centered and connected with the truth of who you are? What can you do to face this fear of him losing interest?
Heidi
Hi Debra,
This makes more sense why you are asking this. Just a few more questions then. Do you think the guys in the past bailed because things were stale? Do you feel you were the cause of them disappearing?
I’m asking these questions because I’m sensing a lack of confidence in who you are in a certain area. If you know you are not a boring person, then how could things possibly go stale??? Since this is a concern of yours, yet you have confidence you are not boring, I’m wondering what beliefs you have about yourself that you would think a relationship could go stale with you…Does this make sense?
Maybe stale isn’t the most accurate word…they may lose interest, but that doesn’t mean it went stale. They could lose interest for all different kinds of reasons. Is there maybe another word that would better describe what you are trying to avoid?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
Something you may want to say to him in response to him not wanting to share his work life with you, “I’m not asking you to share so I can worry or try to help you fix it. I’m just asking you to share because I like learning about you. I completely trust your process and have no doubt you can handle whatever is happening (you are pumping up his hero in this statement). I am just interested in you…how you think, how you process everything, how you respond to your life.” Maybe if you reframe it that way, he may see a different perspective of why sharing is a GOOD thing!
As far as how often you compliment him on connecting with you, it’s hard to say. Every once in awhile is enough. However, you can compliment him in other areas of his life as well. The idea is to keep your attention on what IS working, instead of what isn’t working. At the same time, you also want to figure out ways to still get your needs met. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the guy just won’t get on board with improving his way of functioning in a relationship…and that means it’s time to walk away and honor your needs, by accepting who he is and knowing he isn’t the best fit for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
