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man! I remember those days when I would come home at 5am! Wow! There is no way in a million years, I could do that now…lol. Youth has the advantage of being very resilient!
There have been many times where I’ve heard stories of men (who were in a committed relationship) reaching out on apps to talk to women and get them to go on a date with them, then ghosting. It’s like a game…a power fix / self esteem builder. I wonder if that is what ghosting guy did. It’s awful!!!! He is building some bad karma for sure! It’s time to forgive him and let it go. You don’t want to carry or bury those feelings of upset any longer.
So what are you going to say to shy guy??
Heidi
Hi Coco!
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
The first thing I want to say, is that you guys barely know each other. It takes some time, of being around each other in person, before 2 people decide to enter into a committed, monogamous relationship. You guys have the challenge of living on different continents, which means you only know each other through occasional visits and texting. What you are learning about each other is so general at this point. You hardly have enough information to know if this guy is a safe person when he gets angry….to know that he is a loyal kind of guy…to know you can take him anywhere and he is respectful and people like being around him….to know how he treats you while having sex. You are already wanting a relationship with him and you have only had a handful of dates. I’d like to invite you to consider slowing things down and set some standards as to what you need to know about him before you decide you want to be in relationship with him. New relationships are difficult enough to navigate as people get to know each other, so you guys have it that much more difficult with being long distance.
For now, I suggest just having fun and not taking this too seriously. That’s how he is viewing it. FWB is all about just having fun and not taking things too seriously. I’m not saying you should enter into that design, I’m just saying go have some fun with him when he visits and have fun texting, but make sure you are still dating and keeping the door open for other guys that are local. When he comes and visits, you can learn more about him and he about you and take it from there and decide the next steps at that point. Until then, keep it light, fun, flirty and simple. Guys typically respond REALLY well to having space – like when you stopped talking to him. Keep doing some of the same. Don’t always be so available. Wait a day to respond sometimes. Make sure you are still going out on dates, going out with friends and be busy. He needs to know you have a life. If he feels you are NOT seeking a relationship, he will most likely open up more. If he feels you are just having fun with him and not needing anything more than that, he most likely will want to chase you.
And then when he comes and visits, you maintain the same attitude and he can chase you in person.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Junie!
This is spectacular!!!! I’m excited for you!!! And please DO NOT apologize for asking all of these questions. That is EXACTLY what this forum is for!!! So take advantage of it!!
First, I recommend not setting so many demands just yet. Just see what HIS plans are and then work from there. Your ideas sound great, but remember HE asked you out, which means you need to follow his plans and let him take the lead. You can, of course, offer suggestions if he asks, but it’s important you still let him feel like he is leading. For example, if he does ask if you have any ideas, you say something like, “Well, I’m not able to come all the way up there, how do you feel about meeting half way or coming to my side of town? We can do something like dessert on the beach or find a new restaurant we’ve never been to.” And then let him take it from there. Being that you want to avoid having sex, meeting half way, where you have to drive as well, is a smarter idea. If he is dropping you off at home, you may have the best intentions in this moment, but when you get in that moment and he is at your door….you are making yourself quite vulnerable. So your best bet is to drive yourself to meet him some distance from your house. Just a thought.
As far as not having sex and how to say that, you want to make it suuuuper simple. You DO NOT want to mention anything about him needing to be more invested before you have sex. That will cause him to feel pressure. You simply say, “As much as I’m attracted to you and miss having sex with you, I’m not ready yet.” If he pushes for a reason, you can say “I’m not ready. We just had our first date again. I want to take things slow, that’s all.” And leave it at that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Hilary,
What about finding a therapist or a coach you can speak with who specializes in grief / loss? I’m sure if you looked online, there might be a group you can attend for people dealing with loss. Alcohol is a dangerous thing to start introducing right now as a coping mechanism. You don’t want to have to deal with an addiction on top of this loss. You want to find healthy coping skills. You have so much piling up! I have a ton of skills to handle my emotions in a healthy way, but if I were going through what you are going through, even I would reach out for help instantly. This is not stuff you are meant to deal with alone.
Are you willing to find some help??
Heidi
Hi Hilary,
You are incredibly strong to be able to handle what I have said. Yes, it is VERY painful on top of all the other pain you are carrying right now. You are brave and courageous, just to even acknowledge the truth. That says a lot about you!
So let’s talk about your next steps. What is your plan? What are you going to do to help support yourself through this very difficult time?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
From how he is not responding, for awhile now, I think it’s important for you to embrace that he is done with the relationship with you. I think your thoughts of you being the main cause for his need to disconnect is over-reaching. I think there are MANY other reasons why he would disconnect. Bottom line is though, no one knows except for him. It’s a guessing game otherwise, so trying to “fix” something with someone who isn’t in communication with you and you have no idea when that will happen, is unrealistic. I want to take you back to your intent. You are so worried about how you come across and that it will ruin chances of getting him back. You are putting so much pressure on yourself! Remember that HE is the cause of this as well. He did things to contribute to this separation, so to believe that something you say or do in a few second interaction will make or break your chances….if it has THAT much power, you don’t have solid relationship in the first place. Solid relationships work through those moments of messy communication, messy interactions, imperfections (of which he has many), insecurities. If a relationship cannot withstand those kinds of things, it doesn’t have what it needs for long term love. So far, it doesn’t sound like he has what it takes to go long term with you. Despite your messiness and whatever it is that you think you did that so horrible that drove him away…you are still worth fighting for! If he doesn’t know or believe that or willing to put in the work (which is what he is telling you by not contacting you anymore) then there is no foundation for you guys to withstand the challenges that show up.
Here is something simple you can say “I’ve had a lot of time to look at how I reacted / behaved with you. I just wanted to apologize. My insecurities got the best of me. It gave me an opportunity to work on them though. It makes me want to be better. I just wanted you to know and hope you can forgive me for adding to the drama in your life.”
I don’t think it’s weird if you carry a letter around. I personally would just say “I figured I would run into you at some point and have the opportunity to give this to you….”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I wouldn’t read too much into it. Still give it some time and space. He has been pretty consistent with opening back up and connecting.
Why not send a light text about something. I’m not sure when he sent that last meme, but wait a day or 2 and send him a fun text…maybe a funny video, maybe a cool picture of something you saw, maybe a picture of your beautiful dinner and you can say something like, “would love to eat this with you at some point. It’s mouthwatering!!!” Be flirty, be fun, be light…and see what he does with it.
I like your idea of holding off on having sex. He needs to show he is all in. He needs to show you he can be consistent, connective and that he really wants to invest in you. So be flirty, responsive to him, let him know you are very attracted to him and do want to have sex again and that you do miss that part, but you just want to wait for a bit and see how things play out before you head down that road.
Does that make sense? Is this comfortable for you?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
what I suggest is to write down all of what you just said. Type it up and save it. Then go over it a few times over the next week or so. Re-read it, let some friends read it, we are happy to read it here…and get some feedback.
Then…whenever you see him, you can give him that letter. That way he can read it on his own time, in the privacy of his own space and he gets to have his own reaction without worrying about how you respond to him.
You need to be realistic though. Most likely, him disconnecting has so much more to do with many other variables besides you. So when you write the letter, write it with he intention of JUST apologizing and not needing anything to come from it. Write, knowing that he most likely will not respond. Write it and let it go and move on with your life.
Is that something you can do?
Heidi
Hi Hilary,
I am soooo so sorry for all you are going through. You have lost everything and now you are losing him. It’s devastating to say the least.
I wish there were a magic way to get him to connect in and be more caring. Reality is, I think he just the kind of guy that isn’t interested in being confronted or growing as a partner. He stonewalled you 32 years ago and that aspect has not changed in all those years. This is his coping mechanism. He is probably super fragile emotionally, so being confronted about not showing up well in a relationship, is something he can’t quite handle…so instead he blames, takes no responsibility and he disappears. This is not your fault that he choosing to handle it this way. You yelling at him in the middle of the street is just a symptom that you are hanging on by your fingernails. You need some help. Do you have anyone you can go talk to? What kinds of things are you planning in each day to have some fun? I realize he was your only source of stability and solidarity, but he is not an option anymore, so you need to find other ways to start to take care of yourself. I know you love him. I know you want him back and I know you want him to care more about what you are going. He doesn’t have that capacity for whatever reason. It’s on HIM that he isn’t communicating clearly if he is unhappy. It’s on HIM if he has needs that are not being met by you and he isn’t being honest. You cannot make someone be those things.
I think, for right now, still give him some space. Take some time to take care of yourself and start to heal from the hurt you have right now. You are dealing with an insurmounatable amount of loss and to add losing your love, is just downright awful. That is why I am suggesting to find a therapist or coach or support group or SOMETHING or SOMEONE to help you. You need support right now. That can take the pressure off of him to take care of you.
Then…when you start to feel more grounded and clear, if you still feel you want to work things out with him, you can reach out and see if he responds. Considering how he handled things 32 years ago, I’m not sure he will give it another go. When you live that long with that kind of pattern, it doesn’t change unless you face the causes of that pattern. So he is who he is and it’s up to you to accept that this is how he handles stress…he gets defensive, he blames and disappears.
Heidi
Hi Steffy,
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. Everything that has happened with his family is so intense.
I think the challenge here is more about you. You want him to change. You are trying to get something from him that he is not willing to give and it has nothing to do with you. My guess is, he doesn’t want to really open up his heart. His own mother became a drug addict. The one role model that shaped who he is, has abandoned him…why would he trust any other woman?
You are wanting him to be more emotional than he is, you are wanting him to make more time for you than he is willing to do and you are wanting him fight for you more than what he is willing to put forth. I imagine all he feels like is that he is not doing enough for you and although that is true, what is also true is that you are unhappy. You want him to change and that’s something that isn’t realistic. You are seeing how he handles his life. He is showing you and telling you that your feelings don’t matter. That is on HIM, not you. You say that if you don’t matter in his life, he should just say so, yet he is telling you, in many different ways, that’s how he feels. He won’t commit, he uses a million different excuses not to see you, he doesn’t really want to hear how you feel.
So I think the question really needs to be is: What is keeping you with him? He is not valuing you in a way that makes you feel special, loved, cared about and appreciated. What is stopping you from accepting that this is who he really?? These are traits you cannot change in someone else. He has to change them himself. You cannot make someone who is treating you this way, feel differently for you. He has A LOT of baggage that he has to face and that’s not something he is doing. This is not about you being different or treating him differently because you are not the problem.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
Love is very complicated isn’t it? You can talk to 1,000 people and each and every person will have a different definition of what love is and what it feels like.
His version of love is challenging. I’m sure what you are wanting from him though. My guess is, you want him to stop dating and you want him to commit only to you? It doesn’t sound like he is that kind of guy. If he wasn’t even sad after 32 years of marriage, that’s a BIG RED flag.
He is sending soooo many mixed messages / signals. People like are “split.” Meaning, they have 1 part that feels 1 way and another part that feels another way. Whichever one is strongest in the moment, is the one who is in the driver’s seat. That is not something YOU can change. People that are split, usually have a lot of hurt, resentment, anger etc. that they are carrying inside. It gets so big because it just keeps growing and they never deal with it…so those emotions literally create the “split” that feels differently…and that split creates a lot of challenge in relationship. That is not your fault. It sounds like he has a lot of emotional work to do so he can come into alignment with himself and have consistent feelings.
If you want to keep dating this guy, then you need to accept him for who he is. Wishing he were different is a very dangerous game that you will always lose. Being that you guys started out with him lying, cheating and exposing you to stds, what is keeping you with him? I understand you have a lot of great chemistry and everything flows really well together a lot of the time, but it also doesn’t. That part of him that treats you in that way is not going away. What are you hoping to accomplish then?
Heidi
Hi Jewel,
I’m sorry to hear that this is how you feel and how you are treated. It’s never your fault how someone else feels. Each person is responsible for themselves. People who blame other for how they feel, are very fragile, or they have very strong narcissistic tendencies. Either way, those are the kind of people you want to get yourself away from, or they will destroy every ounce of self esteem you have left. So what is keeping you with you this guy? What does he have that you want to stay connected with him?
Heidi
Ha! The painful next day is the main reason I stick to just a few drinks. In the moment it’s fun to indulge, but the price you pay for it the next is so awful! I’m glad you had fun though, especially considering how the guy ghosted. You do need a brave man, without a doubt. He was pretty awful to play with your emotions that way.
So shy guy is still trying a little bit, eh? At least he has some consistency, but again…courage is important. Maybe you creating closure will help him have more courage.
Either way, you do have a pretty spectacular life filled with great friends, lots of travel adventures and good stories to tell from it all.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
So glad to hear you had a great time! I bet it was just magical to see those bears. They are amazing aren’t they??? What was your favorite part of your vacation??
It is gym time isn’t it. When it starts to get cold outside, it’s time to move the exercise indoors. Where are you??
Tell us about the guy from work. what about him are you attracted to? How long have you noticed him and worked together? What signs has he shown that makes you think he might be interested?
As far as your profile, it might just be a lull. I know everybody goes through phases where the interest is zilch and then it picks back up again. You can always change your profile back the other way and see what happens. It’s all about experimenting and finding out what works.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
So what’s the update?? How did your evening go at that new club? I’m glad you sent something to close the deal. Have you heard from him? Maybe it’s good you close the deal with shy guy as well and let him know you are no longer interested.
Maybe give sortiraparis another chance when you have the energy. It’s a great way to meet new / likeminded people organically.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
