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Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
I’m so so sorry! It’s so shocking when it comes out of nowhere like that! Do you believe him? Did he seem sad or apologize? What was your response?
He does have a lot happening right now. Most men view relationships very differently than women. For a woman, when stress is really high, relationship with their person is CRUCIAL! They will bond a lot more and tend to rely more on their partner. Men will tend to want to draw away and disconnect more. They can tend to view connecting with their person as one more thing to do vs. looking at their partner as support. If you guys had been together a good year or so, I’m sure his response would have been different, but this is still so new, I’m not surprised he disconnected.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh Wow! Talk about a complete turn around! This is just spectacular! Even thought things didn’t go as planned, it still sounds like you had a wonderful time with him. I imagine you did have sex, yes? That’s okay…just want to have clear picture about your situation, since I know that was something you wanted to wait on…but considering your situation, I also imagine it was near impossible to say no 🙂
In regards to what you are supposed to say to help him fall in love with you and ask you to be his girlfriend, there are all kinds of avenues you can take. The Be Irresistible library is full of all kinds of things you can do / say to help along the situation.
However, the first place I always like to start people with, before adding in the skillset of what to say etc., is to first really get connected to the truth that you are loveable and worth fighting for just as you are, even without all the “right” things to say. I think where you are at right now, learning to be patient, giving him space and not pushing your agenda on him and practicing your compliments…it’s all working great! He will fall in love if you BOTH continue bonding. There is nothing you can do to “make” him fall in love with you. He will because you naturally inspire him with WHO YOU ARE and how you guys connect vs. saying all the right things.
I know you know all of this already, but just wanted to re-iterate it.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I am really sorry to hear this. Your heart must have sank when he sent that message. He is quite the fragile guy. Just by that text, it’s obvious how much of a runner he is vs. working through things. There is not long term capability with a guy like that, at least in a healthy, growing way.
The moment you are not able to be yourself and say what you want to say, that’s moment to really consider your choice. He has so much low self esteem and is so fragile, so that means it’s A LOT of work on you, to try to keep this thing together, since he is the one always disappearing when any type of perceived conflict shows up.
At this point, what do you want? Meaning, do you want to keep fighting for him or let go of the relationship? The answer to that will determine your next steps.
Heidi
Hi Junie!
Okay…this makes more sense. Correct…if he doesn’t ask about why you won’t go home with him, there is no need to say anything. Just go with the flow! And I’m glad you aren’t getting upset because you haven’t texted for whole day. Well done! He will notice something like that!!
You are doing such a great job! I can’t wait to hear about your date!!!!
Heidi
Hi Lady,
What great strength you have, being able to see the truth of the situation. I know how hard that can be! You are quite courageous!
So let me ask you this, because I am not exactly clear. With the truth of who he is, how do you want to move forward? You want to encourage healthy communication with him, but then that puts you right back into wanting to change him, and not accepting that he is not a healthy communicator. There is no way to serve “yourself” AND be in relationship with a guy who is not really connecting or being authentic. The only way to serve yourself and treat yourself with respect, is to let him go. You have to role model how you want to be treated. By chasing him, you are accepting his behavior and saying, “I will stick around and come after you, even though you are ghosting me, not being honest and not really showing up for me. It’s okay! I’m still here and not going anywhere.” Is that the message you want to send??
I would like you to consider something. Could it be possible that you are chasing after him, mostly because he is unavailable? I know sooooo many women, myself included, who have chased after men, because they were the “bad boy” types that activated a very primal need inside of us, to want to connect. They connect just enough, then pull away, which activates our primal need to want to connect. There is actually a whole book written about specific technique that play on women’s natural instincts.
I’m not saying your guy is doing this on purpose, but what I am saying is, you barely know this guy, he went from being really connective, to ghosting you and yet you are still chasing him. I know he has wonderful qualities, but you don’t have access to those anymore. So why keep chasing after him? What is keeping you connected to a guy who is clearly limited in his ability to have an authentic, honest connection with you?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
What I love most about all that you said, was your honesty. When you are able to really be honest with yourself, then you are able to work on healing much easier than having to start with just opening your eyes to the truth.
Here is another truth that may help you a little. You said he hasn’t “decided” yet, but he actually has. He has decided, at this point, that he would go back to his ex if she asked. That is his decision. What’s funny is his ex is doing to him, exactly what he is doing to you. His ex has given him words of hope “maybe in 10 years” and he has given you words of hope “I think about us all the time.” You are behaving exactly like he is…holding onto some “words” that have no action to put meaning behind them. He is hoping she will want him back and hoping for another chance and you are hoping you get a chance with him. He is in limbo…you are in limbo. I’m glad you are able to understand him and relate. That is so important in order to get to a place of acceptance.
I know you have strong feelings, but once YOU decide (not him) to no longer be in limbo, you will start to be able to truly heal. As long as you keep a door open, the flood of emotions are going to want to push through. Once you close the door completely, there will actually be a feeling of peace, along with the hurt and tears, because there is closure and your system can finally relax on a certain level. It’s the hope people hold onto, that sources much of the pain.
I know you will close the door whenever you are ready though. You are strong enough to accept the truth of the situation, which means you are strong enough to say goodbye, even if he is your person. Loving yourself enough to get out of limbo means you are making YOU, your person and that’s a very impactful, important decision to make. It’s the path less traveled, but the rewards are greater.
Stay connected with us! Let us know your thoughts and struggles and where you keep getting stuck…even if you are saying the same thing over and over again. That’s okay! It’s normal and we are here to help you through that!
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
What a wonderful update! It sounds like you guys actually connected in a great way for the first time….laid back, fun, easy. I bet it felt soooo good to connect with him in that way.
Is it official that he is coming to visit in October? He has the tickets? I don’t blame his family for giving him grief about the last visit. It’s a very unkind thing for him to bring the girlfriend and then leaver her to visit you. It sounds like it was just best that he canceled and I am so glad you are able to see that! Hopefully this next visit happens and you both will be able to clear the air and re-connect in a healthy way.
So tell us some of the things you specifically want to say in the letter. We can offer some guidance on how to say certain things if you want.
Heidi
