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Oh Wow! Talk about a complete turn around! This is just spectacular! Even thought things didn’t go as planned, it still sounds like you had a wonderful time with him. I imagine you did have sex, yes? That’s okay…just want to have clear picture about your situation, since I know that was something you wanted to wait on…but considering your situation, I also imagine it was near impossible to say no 🙂
In regards to what you are supposed to say to help him fall in love with you and ask you to be his girlfriend, there are all kinds of avenues you can take. The Be Irresistible library is full of all kinds of things you can do / say to help along the situation.
However, the first place I always like to start people with, before adding in the skillset of what to say etc., is to first really get connected to the truth that you are loveable and worth fighting for just as you are, even without all the “right” things to say. I think where you are at right now, learning to be patient, giving him space and not pushing your agenda on him and practicing your compliments…it’s all working great! He will fall in love if you BOTH continue bonding. There is nothing you can do to “make” him fall in love with you. He will because you naturally inspire him with WHO YOU ARE and how you guys connect vs. saying all the right things.
I know you know all of this already, but just wanted to re-iterate it.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I am really sorry to hear this. Your heart must have sank when he sent that message. He is quite the fragile guy. Just by that text, it’s obvious how much of a runner he is vs. working through things. There is not long term capability with a guy like that, at least in a healthy, growing way.
The moment you are not able to be yourself and say what you want to say, that’s moment to really consider your choice. He has so much low self esteem and is so fragile, so that means it’s A LOT of work on you, to try to keep this thing together, since he is the one always disappearing when any type of perceived conflict shows up.
At this point, what do you want? Meaning, do you want to keep fighting for him or let go of the relationship? The answer to that will determine your next steps.
Heidi
Hi Junie!
Okay…this makes more sense. Correct…if he doesn’t ask about why you won’t go home with him, there is no need to say anything. Just go with the flow! And I’m glad you aren’t getting upset because you haven’t texted for whole day. Well done! He will notice something like that!!
You are doing such a great job! I can’t wait to hear about your date!!!!
Heidi
Hi Lady,
What great strength you have, being able to see the truth of the situation. I know how hard that can be! You are quite courageous!
So let me ask you this, because I am not exactly clear. With the truth of who he is, how do you want to move forward? You want to encourage healthy communication with him, but then that puts you right back into wanting to change him, and not accepting that he is not a healthy communicator. There is no way to serve “yourself” AND be in relationship with a guy who is not really connecting or being authentic. The only way to serve yourself and treat yourself with respect, is to let him go. You have to role model how you want to be treated. By chasing him, you are accepting his behavior and saying, “I will stick around and come after you, even though you are ghosting me, not being honest and not really showing up for me. It’s okay! I’m still here and not going anywhere.” Is that the message you want to send??
I would like you to consider something. Could it be possible that you are chasing after him, mostly because he is unavailable? I know sooooo many women, myself included, who have chased after men, because they were the “bad boy” types that activated a very primal need inside of us, to want to connect. They connect just enough, then pull away, which activates our primal need to want to connect. There is actually a whole book written about specific technique that play on women’s natural instincts.
I’m not saying your guy is doing this on purpose, but what I am saying is, you barely know this guy, he went from being really connective, to ghosting you and yet you are still chasing him. I know he has wonderful qualities, but you don’t have access to those anymore. So why keep chasing after him? What is keeping you connected to a guy who is clearly limited in his ability to have an authentic, honest connection with you?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
What I love most about all that you said, was your honesty. When you are able to really be honest with yourself, then you are able to work on healing much easier than having to start with just opening your eyes to the truth.
Here is another truth that may help you a little. You said he hasn’t “decided” yet, but he actually has. He has decided, at this point, that he would go back to his ex if she asked. That is his decision. What’s funny is his ex is doing to him, exactly what he is doing to you. His ex has given him words of hope “maybe in 10 years” and he has given you words of hope “I think about us all the time.” You are behaving exactly like he is…holding onto some “words” that have no action to put meaning behind them. He is hoping she will want him back and hoping for another chance and you are hoping you get a chance with him. He is in limbo…you are in limbo. I’m glad you are able to understand him and relate. That is so important in order to get to a place of acceptance.
I know you have strong feelings, but once YOU decide (not him) to no longer be in limbo, you will start to be able to truly heal. As long as you keep a door open, the flood of emotions are going to want to push through. Once you close the door completely, there will actually be a feeling of peace, along with the hurt and tears, because there is closure and your system can finally relax on a certain level. It’s the hope people hold onto, that sources much of the pain.
I know you will close the door whenever you are ready though. You are strong enough to accept the truth of the situation, which means you are strong enough to say goodbye, even if he is your person. Loving yourself enough to get out of limbo means you are making YOU, your person and that’s a very impactful, important decision to make. It’s the path less traveled, but the rewards are greater.
Stay connected with us! Let us know your thoughts and struggles and where you keep getting stuck…even if you are saying the same thing over and over again. That’s okay! It’s normal and we are here to help you through that!
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
What a wonderful update! It sounds like you guys actually connected in a great way for the first time….laid back, fun, easy. I bet it felt soooo good to connect with him in that way.
Is it official that he is coming to visit in October? He has the tickets? I don’t blame his family for giving him grief about the last visit. It’s a very unkind thing for him to bring the girlfriend and then leaver her to visit you. It sounds like it was just best that he canceled and I am so glad you are able to see that! Hopefully this next visit happens and you both will be able to clear the air and re-connect in a healthy way.
So tell us some of the things you specifically want to say in the letter. We can offer some guidance on how to say certain things if you want.
Heidi
I agree with Kanya! You are a pretty kick-ass lady!! Which means there are fewer men who will be able to match all you have to offer. But that’s okay…when you do find someone, it’s going to be a one of a kind type of relationship!
Someone asked me this on a radio show last week and although it is a common question people ask, it’s far from an easy answer. So I thought I would ask you, as I’m curious what you would say. What do you imagine love will feel like when you find that person who matches you?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
You are so much fun! I can feel your excitement coming through the computer and it’s making me smile!!
Let’s go through your questions.
Absolutely give him the present /card and have a little cake or cupcake for him. I think that’s great! a book is a wonderful, thoughtful but not too intimate type of present. The card sounds appropriate…not too mushy in a way that would add pressure. And bring a little cupcake with some candles and matches and have some fun!As far as what you say to him about not having sex, you don’t need to mention the first date thing. There are a MILLION ways to say it! Just stay simple. No need to go into super detail. Simply saying, “I just want to take some time getting to know you more. Besides…I read that letting sexual tension build for awhile can really take sex to the next level. So let’s have some fun with this!” How does something like that feel for you?
As far as other things you can say to him to offer more compliments, you are doing enough!! You don’t want to be complimenting him on everything. Putting too much effort in, can create an energy of “desperateness” which he will pick up on. If you are trying soooo hard because you are afraid of losing him, then you start to lose yourself in the process. I know you want to lock this down and get a commitment from him, but don’t forget he still needs to earn your heart. He needs to show up consistently, he needs to be offering you compliments as well, he needs to show he is willing to chase you and put the effort in. So make sure you make him work for your very sacred heart. It’s the most special part of who you are.
However it goes on Monday, will determine whether or not he will ask you out again. Let him do the asking though. You are doing such a wonderful job with creating space to allow him to pursue you!!! Keep it up! What you are doing is working!!!!
Heidi
Hi Lady,
I am really sorry to hear this. It sounds like he really isn’t interested anymore. I want to re-iterate what Kanya said. There are some red flags here. He does sound pretty wonderful and how you felt when you guys were hanging out is really special! AND, he doesn’t believe in courtship, he is in some type of rush to have a family and wife and even talked about how he would treat his wife in front of you, when he has only know you for a few months. What’s the rush? You are also seeing / experiencing that he is just disappearing without talking to you about how he is feeling. I don’t now what switched in that he all of sudden stopped communicating. The details don’t really matter. What does matter though, is that he switched….he has disappeared without talking to you about anything. That’s showing you he is someone who runs away vs. staying and being authentic with you. So as much as there are a lot of wonderful qualities he has for you, he also has several qualities that do not support a healthy, growing relationship. It’s important to look at BOTH aspects, not just the good stuff. Are you sure you want to have babies with a guy who wouldn’t come get you when you were sick? Are you sure you want to keep chasing a guy who is ignoring you and not being respectful or authentic?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
We haven’t heard from you in awhile. How is everything going? How are you feeling about how things are going?
Heidi
Of course you were in love! Maybe not to your full capacity, but love has so many variables and levels. Love at 20 is different than 30 which is different at 40 which is different at 50…hopefully we are evolving, so love evolves as we evolve, right?
4 years is a good chunk of time. At what point did you realize your life approach was too different?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Is the first guy you talked about where you are taking the lead, the guy from Venezuela from the train station?
I understand why you would think you are doing something “wrong” since the whole online dating thing hasn’t resulted in what you want. It’s been a long time!
I have felt the same exact way many times. What I always come back to is this: even if I am doing something “wrong” I am still just being myself and doing the very best that I know how….and frankly, that’s enough! As long as I am continuing to grow, learn and forgive, I am heading in the right direction. As long as I am working on my deeper relationship and beliefs about love, I am doing more than most! So…the way I figure it, I am doing a darn good job with myself and one day, there will be a guy who is able to see ALL of me and want to embrace me, not run.
I also always remember that what goes into attraction include MANY aspects. There are things at play that you are unconscious of, can’t see or know and highly influence what is happening at any given moment. So…to assume you are doing something “wrong” is looking at the situation from a very limited perspective. Return your thoughts to self love and trust in God. You are complete and whole just as you are.
Heidi
I get it! Per usual, you have this well handled!!
Have you ever been in love before? a serious relatioship where you wanted to be with the guy for a long time?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
You are very wise. This is a very complicated and difficult situation. He is not available, yet you guys have this wonderful, amazing connection. That is so difficult to let go of.
I would like to invite you to trust the process. If you still invest your energy into “reeling him in over time” that means your heart is still not accepting who he is RIGHT NOW. There is no guarantee he will change. That means, YOU are split. You won’t be 100% available for a new opportunity, because part of you is still investing in the idea of this guy. Love yourself enough and love him enough to know that letting go 100% is the healthiest thing you could do for both of you. Trust that you can guys can come back together down the road if it’s meant to be. You need to live your life and he needs to face his.
Let your heart heal by letting go and stop creating a potential future with a guy who doesn’t exist. You are holding onto the potential he has, not who he really is.
Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Your trip sounds amazing!!!! I remember all those islands between the mainland and the Vancouver Island. I wanted to take a kayak out and go explore, but I was not there long enough to enjoy that aspect. Plus it was sooooo windy, it wouldn’t have worked out too well. I’m jealous of all those animals you got to cross paths with. That is spectacular!!!! I bet you have some amazing pictures!!! Maybe Canada could become a new home at some point.
I love that signed up for that Christian Singles event. You rock! I love how you keep putting yourself out there!
So this office guy sounds fun. What do you like about him? What attracts you to him?
I’m glad you have a new friend, who noticed you were gone 🙂 You probably are helping him a ton, learn how to feel more comfortable speaking English and being in a strange country. He is very brave!!!
Thank you for all the updates!!!
Heidi
