Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Noora,
Thank you for being so beautifully vulnerable and sharing the full story. I do not judge. You are dealing with a very serious level of depression and it’s beyond your ability to deal with on your own. I’m so glad you got some help.
I hope you are still getting help, yes? It’s very possible, with the right therapist, to heal and not have to continue to take medication forever. It’s a lot of work, but definitely possible. Your child needs you Noora. No one will ever replace what you mean to them.
Yes, you are unstable, but so is your ex. To be honest, we ALL are unstable in different areas of life. It’s okay though! It’s part of the human experience and learning how to be resilient. That is your job right now…learning how to be resilient. That means that you have the skills, the mindset, the help and the ability to handle challenges, like your husband cheating, and not letting something like that break you. It means that whatever sadness and hurt you are carrying inside from your past, no longer burdens you and that you know how to forgive and let go of all of those moments of hurt. For you to have the level of depression that you do, means there is a lot of hurt you are carrying around each day. That’s why you need to continue getting professional help so you can learn how to say goodbye to the hurt you are carrying and allow yourself to feel truly happy and stay happy.
I’m glad you have a new friend. Be careful though. Have fun and feel joy AND be aware that you are very vulnerable right now. A man can easily take advantage of that and you wouldn’t even know it was happening. Right now, your 100% focus needs to be on yourself and getting better. And getting better does NOT mean you try and win your husband back. That will NOT fix what you are feeling inside. What you feel inside is for YOU to fix. That’s how you will build resilience. You start to rely on yourself to find your happiness that is NOT connected to anyone else making you happy. That is how you will become a more powerful woman, a more wonderful mother, an incredible role model for your child, and also a very stable and loving lover for a man who will appreciate and value all that you are. Right now, your husband is not that person. Right now, focusing on yourself and creating a plan for healing, is the most important for you and NOT looking for your ex to come back to make you feel better…because that may work for a little bit, but it won’t last and you will end up right back where you are now.
You might resonate with this person. Give it a try and see if this can help you along your journey! https://drjoedispenza.com/
Heidi
Hi Noora,
I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. It’s heartbreaking. Watching the one you love not fight for you and choose someone else, is devastating. I wish there was something I could tell you to “fix” this. In reality, what needs to be “fixed” is so deep and would require A LOT of work by BOTH you and him. You could do everything “right,” but it wouldn’t change that your husband is not interested in doing the work. There is a saying we have here…”You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” It’s the same in relationships. You can show someone ALL the ways to fix something, but you cannot make them take action.
Tell that to my heart. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I have anxiety all the time even the time goes, every day without his love and having just this cold shoulder is making me feel worst and worst. I understand that you feel terrible. That’s what breakups feel like. HOWEVER, it doesn’t mean that this pain you are feeling, means getting back together will help OR that it means it will fix everything.
What is happening here is that you are in so much pain and all you want to do, is get out of it and have him back. Of course! We all would respond the same way. AND…you are wanting to IGNORE all the major problems showing up here in your relationship, just so you can get out of pain. Here is the reality Noora…even if you did get him back, it does not change that he is the kind of guy that would rather cheat and break his integrity. It does not change that he would rather hop into another relationship and ignore the family he has built. It does not change that he is not the kind of guy who will be honest about his feelings, vulnerable and willing to work through the stresses he might be feeling. He is the kind of guy that will up and leave and go take what he wants while he leaves a HUGE mess behind. He does not care about how his choices are affecting you or his son. So…even if you get him back, he will do the same thing down the road again. A person doesn’t change how they respond to stress unless they work on themselves and learn new skills about how to handle stress. He is NOT that kind of guy, so let’s look at the truth here….you will be in pain WITH him over and over again and you are in pain without him. Either way, you are facing A LOT of challenges. It’s not real that you think everything will be better if he comes back. He has broken trust. He has lied. He has chosen another woman. He has broken your family. Your relationship is VERY damaged and that is what needs to be looked at and paid attention to. Do you really want to get him back just so you can be with him and then always wonder where he is? Wonder if he is still talking to the other girl, or has a new girlfriend? Always feeling like you don’t trust him? Because that is what it will feel like being with him again. He is not interested in repairing the trust he broke and you can’t “make” him do that either. I wish there were a way, but the reality is, your relationship is broken and the only way to TRULY fix it, is for both of you to want that…and that’s the breaking point here…he doesn’t want that. Here is a very good video about breaking up and what you are going through right now. Maybe this will help: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM?si=q4-TgocJQsbO8PdW
And to your questions what love means to me, is small things in life and intress of other and caring even tho is hard. Taking care of each other and fasing problems together. Everything you listed here about what love means to you, is NOT happening in your relationship. The love and bond you feel with him has A LOT of dysfunction in it and is NOT the kind of love you are describing.
Ofcourse I would like to have even small amout that affection wich he gave to this other women. So it is in him and he is able to give it and once even I got that. A small amount of affection is enough for you??? Really??? You think your beautiful heart is worth only a small amount of affection??? The reality is, no matter what he is capable of, it doesn’t matter. You have to look at who he is TODAY and deal with that. And TODAY, he is incredibly unkind and being disrespectful with his choices.
He said that his love have faded away, even tho there have been not 24/7 good my love have not. I don’t know how to change things that way that he would again love me and just me. This is not for you to change. Whatever is happening for HIM, that’s for HIM to fix and not you. You cannot fix or change what lives within someone else. It has to be THEIR choice to fix or change things.
I want only his affection and his presence and enjoy our son together. Of course you want this. It sounds so simple, right? It’s not what is available for you though. There is no way that even IF he came back, this is how it would be. Again, he has broken and damaged the connection on so many levels. Do you really think you would be able to just completely enjoy him and be a family again after everything he has done? It’s not like you can just forget about what has happened. You don’t just want his presence and affection. You want a guy you can trust. You want a guy you can feel emotionally safe with. You want a guy who fights for you and your son. You want a guy who is honest. You want a guy who is authentic. You want a guy who fights for love and will help to keep the love alive. You want soooooo much more than what he is willing to offer you. He just can’t be that guy for you Noora. I’m so sorry. This problem you are facing is VERY BIG and no matter how much YOU change or try to fix the broken parts, it won’t change the kind of guy he is.
One of the very best things you can do for yourself, is start to see your situation through different eyes. Right now you only see and feel the pain and want it to go away. How about asking friends and family what they think and see about your relationship? How about learning about what healthy relationships look like? You NEED to get other perspectives and other experts educating you, so you can see what is happening from a more clear and wise perspective instead of just seeing everything through your pain and heartbreak. Here are some videos to get you started.
Heidi
Hi Deborah!
Oh no! I am soooo so sorry you are having to go through that! It’s such an awful feeling to watch the one you love, leave you and choose someone else.
Would you mind sharing more details? He must have been having an affair with his ex to feel solid about leaving you and going back to her.
Can you tell me about your relationship with him? Did you really like being with him? Would you say that you guys had a really strong connection from your perspective? Was there anything about your relationship that HE would complain about or did he express that he was unhappy about anything?? How was your sex life? Vibrant? Exciting? No so much? What is your theory as to why he left and went back to her?
The 12 word text is basically just activating his hero instinct. It’s just asking them for a favor. The thing is, if there are inherent challenges in your relationship, the 12 word text will not fix any of that. It’s more meant to inspire them to want to help you with something, which opens the opportunity for re-connecting. But if the connection is not something they want to participate in, then the text doesn’t really work. I’m not sure the text approach is your best option at this point, so if you’re willing to share more about your situation, we can discuss something that matches your situation best.
It’s a bit of a red flag for him to be living with you for that long and then all of a sudden leaving you for an ex. It’s a VERY unhealthy decision he is making and there are a lot of consequences he will be facing soon enough. He may think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence right now, but soon enough…he will discover the hardships from what he chose.
I know you desperately want him to come home. I know you love him and want to create a long term life with him, so the best option here is to figure out why he left in the first place AND to really consider if this is the kind of person you want to invest in. As you are currently experiencing, you now know that he is willing to bail and hop into another experience. What that tells me is that he is most likely impulsive and doesn’t deal with stress head on. He is probably someone who has a tendency to run from what he feels instead of facing it. I’m not sure what your coping mechanisms are, but in the end, studies have shown that it’s how we treat each other in the worst moments that determine the success and health of a relationship. So even if you do get him back, it wouldn’t guarantee that he would end up staying or that anything would be different. That’s why it’s important to truly understood and look at how you both connected to each other, how you treated each other, how you valued each other – both in the good and the challenging times – to truly understand why he may have chosen to leave.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
This is always sad for me to hear. It’s so hard to say goodbye to a connection, even if it was a challenging one. Regardless of the type of connection, there was a connection – and that is what’s hard to let go of. It sounds like you are staying very grounded in your truth and what is highest outcome, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.
Like I said before, you are incredibly courageous and strong for you to go with the flow vs. trying to force the direction you wanted. You are trusting in the bigger picture, something you can’t see or know, but nonetheless, you are letting go. Well done!
If you need help with anything else, we are always here to support you! It was a pleasure crossing paths with you!!!
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
Just checking in. How is everything going? How are you feeling about what your situation?
Heidi
Hi Berenice,
Welcome! I can definitely see why you suspect he is seeing someone else. There are plenty of signs.
Well, there is one way, that I have seen work REALLY well. The person confronting says something to the effect of “I know you are seeing someone else….” So basically, they call it out pretending that they really know, but obviously the other person has no idea they don’t really know. Many times, the other person breaks down and admits to everything because they believe they have been caught.
Other than that, I personally would just be very direct. Something has changed, so have a direct conversation about it. I think if you present it in a way that opens him up, you might get some answers. For example, you could say “Listen. Something has changed and it causes me to believe that you are seeing someone else. (list the changes that you have noticed in his behavior). I’m not sure I mind completely, as we have had an open relationship before and if that is something you want again, let’s talk about it. I really just want openness and honesty between us and then we can both make clear decisions from that place.” If he doesn’t admit to anything, you can follow with “Then tell me what is happening for you. These changes in our connection feels like there is more distance between us. Can we talk honestly about that?”
Make sure you don’t say things like “YOU are more distant. YOU are not responsive. YOU….” That can easily put him on the defensive. Make sure you say things like “I feel like our connection is not as strong….It feels like your attention might be somewhere else sometimes…It feels like the text messages you are sending me are less intimate….” These are softer ways to say what you want to say when open with “It feels like….” instead of blaming energy like “You are doing….you are being….you are not doing….” etc.
In a relationship, there are 3 components…YOU, THEM, THE RELATIONSHIP. When there is conflict or something happening, it’s the CONNECTION that needs to be addressed instead of directly pointing the finger at them. When you speak to the connection, it helps keep the spotlight specifically off of them and instead on the connection, which you participate in creating. This mindset helps avoid “blaming” and instead keeps the focus where it belongs.
Does this make sense?? How do you feel about this approach?
How do I make him want to see me during the week so I can ease my concerns. This mindset is not really a healthy mindset. Do you really want to “make” him do anything?? Instead, it’s about exploring and being curious about how to naturally inspire that desire from him. So that would also be a conversation you can have with him. It seems like you were okay with the weekend only design until he started feeling more distant. So I’m not sure what you really want. Do you want to see him during the week now? Even if he weren’t distancing? What would you really like from him?
Heidi
Hi Niki,
Wow! I have so much respect for you that you are able to embrace what I have said. Do you know how much strength that takes??? You have a lot more strong self-esteem than you give yourself credit for.
I kinda think this is the story of my life. Always ending up with emotional occupied men. It really cuts my selfesteem and believe in true relationships. I understand. I used to be like this too. I always interacted with emotionally occupied men and always, at some point, I paid the price for that. Eventually, after doing enough deep healing work, I created a deeper self-love that said “I love myself more than the connection I feel with this man who cannot offer me what I want.” This is actually quite a common pattern amongst women. There are a lot of social reason, psychological reasons and instinctual pattern reasons. It’s not all about low self-esteem. I’ve studied this pattern extensively, because of how strong this pattern is socially. Bottom line is, the way you change this pattern, is valuing your heart more than the connection.
Imagine you are the CEO of a HUGE, POWERFUL company called…your heart…and you are looking to hire someone to help care for your heart. A good CEO KNOWS the value of the heart, protects, considers it sacred and is VERY careful about who they hire to help run the company. The interview process is quite extensive. The CEO will require several interviews, before being considered for a position. Even after being hired, a person starts at the bottom and EARNS their way up to higher level status. Dating is the process of interviewing someone to see if they even have the qualifications to handle your heart in a respectful and honoring way. A guy needs to EARN your trust and you need to be discerning. That’s why taking things very slow is important. It allows for an “employee” to show you their REAL side so you can then decide what position, if at all, that person would fit into for your “company.” Again, as the CEO, your job, first and foremost, is to KNOW and PROTECT your valuable, sacred heart and be very discerning with how a person gets to interact with it.
Do you think it’s a good idea to confront him with the fact that he is not ready for a steady relationship? Nope. This is HIS life and you wouldn’t be telling him anything he doesn’t already know. It’s not your job to confront him about this.
As a friend, it’s your job to accept him for his choices. You can speak about it this way though…”I appreciate so much the time we have shared intimately. I have to admit that I got a little attached, so it’s best for me to distance myself for a bit. I want more than you are able to offer right now, and that’s okay. You’ve been through a lot recently and it’s important for you to focus on creating a new version of yourself and not be in a new relationship. I’m going to say goodbye for a little bit, so I can un-attach from the idea of you and then we can be friends again.” This approach is talking about yourself and NOT pointing the finger at him.I still want to help him get his life back together and work at myself at the same time.. on my selflove.. not always forgetting myself. Not your job. Again, this is HIS journey and he needs to figure it out on his own. If he specifically asks for help, then of course offer your ideas, but in the end, HE needs to be in enough pain to start to do his life differently. That means there needs to be something, very natural inside of him, that makes him want to ask for help and get his life back together. Pain is a VERY important part of this process. Pain is a motivator for change. So LET HIM HAVE HIS PAIN!!!! If you try to make him feel better or be the one to help him, it may alleviate the pain, but not because HE is doing anything about it. He needs to be an ACTIVE participant in his life design instead of you coming along and showing him the way. Besides, when he does it on his own, it will mean soooooo much more for his healing.
You need to just focus on yourself. That is PLENTY of work all by itself. You know the saying “Put the mask on yourself first, before putting it on your child.” You only have 2 hands and you need them to put the mask on yourself. You cannot put it on yourself AND him at the same time. So you need to choose. Either focus on him or you and then deal with what that means for your life. If you truly want healing, then you focus on yourself. If you still want to stay in the “rescue him” mindset, then you will just stay in that pattern of forgetting yourself. So it’s up to you!
Heidi
Okay, you share a little more information in your other post.
This is a super RED FLAG situation Nikki. I know you see a future with this guy, but it’s very obvious he is NOT in the space at all. He just got divorced and that, in and of itself, means he NEEDS some time to figure out who he is, WITHOUT his wife and kids. He has to create a whole new life and that is a HUGE undertaking!!!! And…on top of that, the divorce was not his choice, so he is going to have a lot of feelings about that as well, that he has to work through.
This guy sounds like he is in the mindset of just wanting to “play” and not be serious with anyone. He wants to have sex, have fun and not get into another relationship. AND…that’s how it NEEDS to be for him right now. He is NOT available for what you want.
I’m so sorry to say this, but the best thing you can do is disconnect from him. You are only going to get hurt. He cannot offer you what you want. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for you and it doesn’t mean that down the road, something can’t happen…it just means that RIGHT NOW he is not ready for something serious. He just ended a marriage. He needs some time. This has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with the space he is in right now. If I were his coach, I would also be advising him to stay away from women. No dating, no sex and spend some time processing everything that is happening and do some healing work. It’s not the common path that most men take, as they are able to have sex and keep it light pretty easily…but in the meantime, they also end up breaking a lot of hearts when the women realize he isn’t TRULY available for anything more.
Just something to think about Nikki.
Heidi
Hi Niki,
I am reading this post after I already responded to your other post. You gave a little more detail here, so I will go back and share a few more thoughts on the other thread. So let’s keep the other thread going and we can close this one out.
Hi Niki,
Welcome! I’m glad you are here. Would you mind sharing more about your situation? How long have you known this guy? How did you meet? How do you know about what he feels? Why do you think he is confused?
It sounds like you and this guy are not actually dating or in a relationship. It sounds like you like him and he might like you back, but that he also has feelings for another woman. Is this accurate?
The 12 word text is mostly used for trying to re-connect with someone you have been in relationship with already. It’s less about the exact words and more about the concept of activating the guy’s hero instinct. You start by saying something like “Hey. I need your help with something.” That automatically can activate the “hero” in them, because they get to help you with something. Hopefully they respond and are interested in helping you. If they do, you ask to talk on the phone and then tell them what you would like help with. Once they complete the favor, you really appreciate them for their help. You have to be careful though, because many guys can see right through it and will know that the girl is just trying to be “manipulative” and get him to connect through making something up. So the delivery and what you ask them for is really important.
For your situation, I’m not sure this is the best method. I don’t know enough about what is happening to know that for sure.
What I do know is that even though you want him to only have eyes for you, which is something we ALL want from those we have feelings for, a more healthy mindset – which is more loving and honoring of who YOU are – is this: “I know I am lovable and valuable and worth knowing, whether or not this guy feels that way. I will not settle for a guy who isn’t sure about me. I want and deserve a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know me and include me in his life.” This is self-love. Relationships are hard enough as it is, so to add on top of that trying to “convince” or get a guy to like you, can really change the dynamics. When a guy feels like you are pushing YOUR agenda onto him of getting him to like you, he will classify that as a “needy” or “desperate” woman, because essentially you are the one chasing him. But if you stay in your power, connect to your own value and KNOW that you are worth knowing and being with and NOT chase him and wait for him to come to you, he will classify that as a “strong” woman who he will be more attracted to. That sets up a very different dynamic and a more healthy kind of connection from the very beginning. It doesn’t mean that you taking this approach will get him to like you and pursue you and forget about the other woman. It just means that you will be okay whether or not he chooses you. It means that you are “allowing” the connection to happen organically and naturally and NOT forcing the connection by doing whatever you need to do to get him to choose you.
Does this make sense? I know it’s probably not what you want to hear and I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. I’ve worked with dating long enough to know what types of mindsets set a couple up for long term success.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You can do whatever you want to do. At this point, I’m not sure it will get the result you want. He seems pretty adamant about keeping you out of his life.
If you are wanting to write a letter to get him back, I would say maybe shift the focus. When a guy feels pressure on any level, which from his reactions and coldness he is not responding well to your inquiries, writing him letter might just fuel his frustration that he is trying to set a boundary with you and you are not honoring or listening to what HE wants.
This is where it can get really sticky and tricky. I know you want him back, but a more loving thing is to also honor and respect what he wants. What he wants matters too and is just as important to him. A good partner is able to honor and understand what the other wants and compromises. Unfortunately, at this point, he is not caring about what you want.
Writing a letter can be a good thing as long as you are not adding any kind of pressure onto him. So it could be a “thank you” kind of letter where you are just appreciating him for the experience that you had together and that you will honor his choice and not reach out anymore. It’s a nice closure letter. And when he senses that acceptance from you, it might actually inspire him to open back up again.
Whatever you choose to do, DO NOT expect a response. Write a letter you feel good about and then let it go.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
I can’t get him to work on his own baggage but I can at least focus on mine and myself. Well said! I love that you are able to embrace and align with this. So many of us put in an incredible amount of effort trying to change the other person so we can stay in relationship with them. I’ve done that soooooo many times and not once, has it resulted in anything long term. A person needs to organically WANT to grow. A person needs to take their own action for healing and learning and someone who does that, has something very natural inside of them that motivates them. That’s what I always look for…do they have something inside of them that inspires them to learn and grow ON THEIR OWN, without me or anyone else trying to motivate them.
We all have baggage but it’s what we do with that baggage that will make us successful or not, available or not, healthy or not with love and connection.
Heidi
Hi Brittany!
Trying to explain things on this forum can be difficult sometimes.
Let’s maybe talk about the main thing that you said he expressed to you a handful of times in different ways: but that he again felt like he was leaving me waiting around for him and that I’m too good and shouldn’t have to wait around on anyone which is leading him to feel really bad again. I know this triggered you into thinking that maybe he wasn’t interested. First, it’s important for you to recognize when you are triggered and go take care of yourself and NOT rely on him to make you feel better. Your trigger has to do with the past and is your baggage, so by putting the pressure on him to fix something, within you, adds a lot of stress to a relationship. The goal when there is a trigger, is to identify the true source of your feelings and work on it yourself and not expect or ask the other person to help you feel better. That’s a skill that is so important to develop for healthy relationships. I’m happy to share more about this, so just let me know if it interests you.
With the statement above, he is feeling low self-esteem because of his baggage. He also is in a trigger and not handling it well. He uses these feelings as a way to put distance between you and him. It’s sabotaging the connection when he says that “you are too good and shouldn’t have to wait….” He basically is overlaying his past onto the present, just like you did in your reaction about that comment. He is feeling bad, because someone taught him this along the way and he has never resolved the hurt around it. Whatever happened, it’s sourcing his self-esteem and in a very indirect way, by saying “you are too good and shouldn’t have to wait around” is a comment where he is looking to YOU to help him feel better, instead of doing that job himself. He is wanting YOU to fight for him, because he isn’t fighting for himself. This is where toxic patterning gets established…people rely on the “other” to fix what is happening in themselves, but the problem is, nothing ever gets fixed. It may feel better for the moment, because a bandaid was just put on. But eventually, those patterns resurface over and over and over again and down the road, other feelings build like resentment, anger etc.
This is not a simple fix. It requires becoming more educated about conflict, our own baggage and developing a whole new skillset on how to navigate when we are in a trigger…in a healthy way!
I’m not saying you should move on from this guy. I’m just sharing all of this so you can observe what is REALLY happening beneath the surface. Once you can understand the “behind the scenes” stuff, you can be much more effective at resolving whatever is happening.
So…with all of that being said, it’s important for you to understand that this guy does NOT have it all together and there will be a lot of challenges with him. He will look to you to fix him, help him feel better etc. because he does not know any other way to be. With that being said, if you want to reach out, what would you like to say? What do you actually want from him?
Heidi
Hi Brittany!
Thank you for sharing your challenges and questions with us! I can see why you are confused and feel stuck. There is A LOT happening in your situation, so I’m glad you reached out for help.
He expressed to me when we first started talking that he wants a relationship because he thrives when he has a woman in his life. This is a BIG caution flag. Most people would not consider this something to watch out for, but look at what he is saying…he feels like he thrives with a woman. Let’s translate that – he NEEDS a woman to feel like he can thrive. He wants a relationship so he can feel like he is thriving in his life. Another way to view this is….he is looking for the relationship, the woman, to be his source so he can thrive. In his statement, he wants a relationship so he can use it for his own well-being instead of wanting a relationship for what it’s really meant for….growth, expansion, love etc. This kind of mindset is basically relying on the outside world to help him feel better about his inside world…and someone who views relationships/love that way is someone who is incredibly fragile and high maintenance.
I feel like I didn’t give him the opportunity to succeed. I’m so glad you learned a lot and were able to look at how you could have show up a little better. However, you are NOT and NEVER WILL BE responsible for him feeling successful. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. He can take opportunities for himself and doesn’t need you to give them to him. Your mindset here basically puts you in the mother role and him the child. You are saying “He doesn’t know how, or cannot get his own needs met, so I must do it for him.” That is ONLY true between parent and child and NOT true for 2 adults. You are NOT responsible for his well-being.
I know I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to men because of all of my past relationships. You must have been through quite a bit in your past relationships. Love is super tricky and hard and unfortunately, we end up learning quite a bit through the messiness and challenges that love presents us with. I want to give you a different perspective on trust. Trust begins with you. I hear all the time, “I don’t know if I can trust him not to…..” The truth is though, even someone you feel completely safe with and trust implicitly, will break the trust because they are just human. We all have limitations and we all are going to mess up. So…the most powerful and truest trust lies within your relationship with yourself. Trusting yourself is the key to feeling safe in your life and in relationships. Someone who truly trusts themselves say “I trust in myself that no matter how this other person acts or behaves and no matter the choice they make, I will be okay. I trust I am resilient. I trust I will heal. I trust I know how to care for myself through every disappointment.” If you don’t feel this way about yourself, then it’s a great place to start exploring where the holes are.
I’m stuck trying to decide if I need to persist at the romance, accept the friendzone, or walk away completely. And if I accept the friendzone, I honestly don’t even know how to squash my feelings. There’s only 2 choices here. Stay and keep fighting for this or walk away. There is no possible way for you to be “friends” while there are still feelings. I have tried that so many times and it NEVER works, because the feelings will just continue to be fueled by the connection. The only way to truly squash feelings is to step away completely, go through the hurt and pain of the loss and then come out the other side. Once your feelings are gone, THEN there is the possibility of being friends.
I know you feel this connection could really go the distance. Here is what you REALLY need to look out for, moving forward. Research has shown that what makes or breaks a connection, is how people treat each other in their worst, most stressful moments. Think about it…the good stuff is amazing, but then when stress shows up and someone ghosts, criticizes, blames etc. no matter how great the connection is, emotional safety and trust are broken. Over time, the broken trust and safety will ruin even the best of connections. So it sounds like no matter how great things are, this guy’s response to stress was to shut you out completely. Why he is stressed doesn’t even matter. What matters is how he is handling it. And what he is showing you, is that with the right kind and right amount of stress, he will shut you out. This is his coping mechanism. I have that same coping mechanism. Our coping mechanisms are with us forever. However, learning how to manage that response is what can change over time. Even though I still want to shut people out as my response, I know how to self-soothe, self-love, reach out for accountability and stay connected. It took me a lot of work to get to this point and I imagine this guy is not that type.
He also may be dealing with the loss of his wife still. I know this may sound strange, but it’s not uncommon for a widower to ruin a beautiful, wonderful connection that makes them happy. The feeling of happiness is a common trigger for shut down for different reasons. For example, he might be feeling like he lost his wife and doesn’t deserve to be happy again. He might feel like being happy is a betrayal to her. He might feel that being happy will erase the memory of her. I don’t know the condition of their relationship when she passed, but that will also play into how he dates. It’s a super tricky, slippery kind of thing dating a widower who hasn’t worked through all the deep stuff WITH a professional.
I’ve shared a lot so far, so hopefully it’s not too overwhelming. Let me know how this impacts you and what your thoughts are!
Heidi
Hi Marigold,
Oh I’m so sorry! His response is pretty intense. It’s so sad when someone chooses to run away vs. grow. I know your heart is breaking and for good reason. You guys had a really beautiful connection, but for him…his fear is bigger than that and running the show.
If he isn’t willing to talk, there really is nothing you can do. A person has to at least be willing to connect and talk things through for there to be any potential to reconnect. He may eventually be willing to talk, but I suggest that you go silent and pull away for a while and let yourself heal. When someone is behaving like this, it’s best to just step away and let them deal with everything the way they want to. It’s also important that you don’t allow yourself to be “target practice” for him. He is angry and fearful and he took it out on you…something MANY wounded people do…they hurt the ones they love the most. So step away and wait for him to come to you. In the meantime, work on yourself. Heal the hurt he has caused, forgive and work yourself into moving on from him. Moving on doesn’t mean your paths won’t cross again. Moving on means that you are honoring and respecting his choice to close the door. Down the road, if your paths cross again, you guys can talk and see if you want to take another shot at being together.
Maybe another question to ask yourself is….is this the kind of person I want to go through life with? Even if you get back together, he will do this again and again and again. Now that you know this side of him, is it something you can accept and embrace about him? Imagine he will never change. I know the connection is pretty wonderful and you would say yes to the good things in a heartbeat. However, like I have said before, it’s the worst of someone that will determine the success of any connection long term.
Heidi
