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I agree there is something I need to do differently moving forward, but I’m not quite sure what it is. The first thing I would suggest is to pay more attention to the energy sourcing your need to “push” or “confront” or “talk.” I know for me, I want to “push” sometimes because I want an answer, because I am uncomfortable or fearful. Sometimes it’s just because I want to learn and am curious. Sometimes I want to push that person into a new understanding about themselves. Anytime you are “pushing” for something, stop and pay attention to what is REALLY happening for you. From what it sounds like with your current situation, you were pushing him to talk from a place of fear. You were afraid of losing him, so if you could just talk to him and get some answers, you could fix something…whatever that may be. So being that he wouldn’t talk, you were left feeling powerless to fix anything – therefore facing the feeling of being disconnected from him…which would activate your need to find control somewhere – which activated your need to push and pressure. Does this make sense?? If you were completely okay to let him have his own process, even if it meant feeling disconnected from him – you wouldn’t feel the need to push him into talking. There would be nothing for you to “fix” because you trust the process. I hope I am explaining this well…it’s hard to type all of this out. I usually am talking to a person and showing a diagram about how this plays out.
The best I can think is that I could have pulled back my energy. Here is the thing…you didn’t pull back AND you deserve to be loved and fought for anyways. You keep thinking that if you had done things differently, you wouldn’t be where you are at right now. The truth is, there are some inherent, core challenges here that without HIM facing, breaking up is inevitable. Couples that last, accept each other and their limitations. So what that you pushed!!! If that is the worst of you, then any guy is lucky to have you! You are ALWAYS going to push too hard sometimes – AND – the right partner will know and accept this about you and work WITH you instead of disconnect.
He said he needed a few days to think about it to be able to articulate what he still needed to experience in order to feel comfortable entering into a relationship. This is a red flag here. There is something stopping him from really opening up and inviting you into his life. After a year, if he doesn’t instantly know the answer to this, then he is not really invested to the level you deserve.
Given where the conversations were left off, how could I have moved differently? Again, not the question to be asking. The right question is….is he really the best match for me?
I sometimes struggle with finding the balance between letting something go versus communicating in a nice yet assertive way when it’s something that’s important to me. Anything that is important to you, deserves to be spoken and fought for…AND…if someone is not aligning with it, then that is information you need to have about them. You then have a choice…accept their limitation and accept that what you need is not going to be met or accept who they are and that they are not a good match for you. If you let something go, that is your choice. I promise…if it’s important enough to you, it will come back up again, over and over and over again. The things you are truly able to let go of, will literally fall away and you will be at peace about it. But the things that need to paid attention to, they will let you know.
Here is a question I always work with and it’s a tough one. When I have a need that someone is not meeting for me, the first question I ask is: What do I want this other person to do for me, that I am not doing for myself? So with your guy, you were wanting him to connect to you so you could feel secure in your relationship. It’s THAT energy that caused you to push more and more to get answers and then resulted in him feeling pressured. Again…VERY NORMAL – and – something for you to pay attention to, so you can approach it differently next time. So if you were to meet your own needs, that would mean looking at how HIM disconnecting from you, caused you to feel disconnected and out of balance and insecure and fearful within yourself. THEN….YOU take care of those feelings yourself. YOU meet your own needs. YOU help yourself feel secure, balanced and connected to the truth. When you do this, whatever requests you make from him will have a completely different energy around it. BUT…it doesn’t mean that he would have a different response. There is something missing here on HIS end and that’s about HIS process, not yours and has NOTHING to do with how you acted.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
know what you are saying Heidi, but my brain is fighting against me. This is very normal Kristy. We ALL have the devil on one should and angel on the other. Everyone has thoughts like you do, but the difference between you and me and any other person, is how we choose to interact with them. Here is an old Cherokee “parable” that explains this so well: https://www.virtuesforlife.com/two-wolves/
You are not powerless or a victim here Kristy. I have given you SEVERAL tools to start to feed the side of you that IS strong, confident and wants to fight for more in her life. Have you used any of them? I know how those negative thoughts can be all consuming, as I’ve experienced that sooooo many times in my life and will again. I CHOOSE to fill my mind with positive thoughts through movies, music, the techniques I’ve shared, podcasts, videos etc. When I cannot grab onto positive thoughts on my own, I go to outside sources. Have you done that yet? If you haven’t, then start now. Start to build your skillset to counteract these negative thoughts. The reality is, no matter how much therapy or medication you do, negative thoughts will ALWAYS be with you. It is just a part of being human and having a fragile side to us, so RIGHT NOW is the time for you to start to learn to work with those thoughts and help yourself.
Trying to trick the brain doesn’t work for me. It’s not about trying to trick the brain. It’s about putting a positive thought in your brain as well. It’s okay if you don’t believe it or feel it. It still has an impact and there are MANY MANY studies to back this up. So even though you don’t believe or feel “I AM valuable and deserve to be fought for,” say it anyways. Say it out loud. Say it to yourself in the mirror – even 1 time. You may be depressed, but you are more than that. You are also loving and kind to the animals. You enjoy loving and connecting deeply and feeling open-hearted. Your beautiful heart has the ability to heal and give an animal or person an experience of being seen and loved – even if they come from a lot of trauma where they learned differently. I imagine you come across a lot of dogs that have been mistreated and they don’t trust. Do you blame them and shame them for it? No! You have compassion for them. You understand them. You want to help teach them there is a new experience for them, right? Well, that’s how you need to treat yourself. With the same love, patience and compassion you show those animals who do have fears and limitations.
The therapist will know how to help you, so there is no need to figure out what to say or where to start. They are experts at this and will know how to get the info. they need each time, in order to help you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I have this resentment that I was willing to put in the effort to repair and he just prioritized himself and his capacity, while indirectly asking me figure out my own mental health and emotions myself. I understand your resentment. It’s very normal and honestly, it’s not fair, is it? AND…as long as you hold onto that resentment, you won’t be able to have clear, authentic connection with him on any level. You have to forgive his limitations. You have to forgive yourself for not being able to get what you wanted and needed from him. Release the negative energy of his choices that stem from fear and dysfunction. He is wounded and doesn’t have a skillset, nor the drive to work on himself. That is NOT the kind of guy that will work well for you…so in the end, if you really think about it, his disfunction is a gift to you. Him shutting down showed you that he is NOT a good match for you. The sooner you know that, that better, right? So be thankful you saw his limitations, have compassion for his own hurt and pain, as you have the same hurt and pain (you just deal with it differently) and get connected to the BIGGER truth that actually matters…you guys were NOT meant to last. You were more meant to take a short journey together and that’s it. There are lessons to be learned and the opportunity for growth, but NOT long term love. It’s tough though. It’s no doubt painful. The gift of the pain is for you to remember it, so you are more discerning in the future, right? These painful experiences, teach us to move differently in the dating world, so we better care and protect our hearts.
I’m curious if your suggestion here is to let go of the friendship completely Yes, let it go completely. What I mean by that, is let go of your attachment to him on ALL levels. When you don’t need anything from him, you both are free to just be and interact without expectation and the friendship will develop organically from that space. So when you let go of needing anything from him, you can just be in the friend group and feel totally comfortable and accepting of who he is. That will take some time for you to get into that space, but that’s the goal. Then however the new friendship develops in whatever form it takes, it will be more clean and clear. It’s your hope for something more down the road, it’s your resentment and it’s your need for something more from him, that makes the friend group have a funky energy for you and everyone involved. So maybe take a break, give yourself some space and time to heal and let everyone else have some space and time and then step back in when you feel. more grounded and clear.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Virginie!
It makes sense where you guys are at right now with everything you explained. Looking back and seeing the signs is the way to learn how to better move forward in the future. Good job with really looking at your side of things.
On his side of things, the CORE problem is that he wouldn’t talk to you and be honest. That is a SUPER red flag. Relationships will never last if 1 or both people are not fully transparent and authentic. So even if you didn’t do all of those little things that added up to the breakup, something else would have caused the breakup. There is nothing you can do to be better as a partner if your partner won’t talk to you and that is HIS challenge. He is not setup to have a successful long term relationship with anyone. Communication and lack thereof is always in the top 1 or 2 reasons for divorce and breakups, so until he learns to use his voice and be honest with his feelings, he will never do well long term in relationships and love.
It doesn’t really matter “why” he is cutting you off on IG and still watching your FB stories. He has his own path of healing and releasing and he is going about it in his own ways. He is in a lot of pain right now and that’s good. Pain is one of the greatest motivators for growth, so if someone hurts enough, then they are willing to change what didn’t work and their choices…and that’s the place he needs to get to whether now or later on down the road. You need to let him have that pain…it’s important. Your job is continue to grow and learn for yourself and release and forgive the past. If you guys ever do get back together, you can start fresh and new and stepping in with new growth and skills. So focus on yourself. DO NOT spend time trying to figure the why and what he is doing, as it’s all just a guessing game anyways and doesn’t matter, as it doesn’t change anything. What DOES change things, is you healing.
Heidi
Hi Janiki,
I’m so sorry that you are having to navigate this. From what you have shared here, it sounds like he is right…you guys are just different. He wants to hide and you want to face things and talk about it. You both approach stress in different ways. I am very much like you where I want to face things directly, talk about them and work on resolving them. I’ve had plenty of guys tell me I was way too pushy and it caused them to shut down, so I get the dynamic. Reality is, there is truth in how they felt AND it’s who I am and always will be. Yes, I need to chill sometimes, but in the end, I will NEVER match well with someone who shuts down and doesn’t want to talk and work through things.
It’s important for you to honor yourself and he needs to honor who he is – and under stress, you guys are not a good match. Plus, he is dealing with his parents separating, which usually puts people in a lot of fear about love and connecting. Bottom line is, I think you are spot on when you say he is not emotionally available.
What to do?? Nothing. Let him go on ALL levels. I know you miss him, but you guys will never go back to the friendship you had before as it was a friends with benefits kind of thing and between you guys…it gets mucky and didn’t work. So let the idea of hanging out with him and being friends in that way….let it go. You still have feelings for him, so until you reach a point where you have no attraction or desire to be with him, even just to hang out…it’s best you keep your distance and just see him in the friend group. That is the place to build a new kind of friendship that is purely platonic and clean.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I thought I could do this all on my own. This is NOT possible for anyone. I am now an extremely high functioning, very emotionally intelligent person AND there is no way I could have become that without help from other experts AND I still need help and always will. We are NOT designed to ever do this life alone. There are such stressful and challenging moments that feel SO SO SO big that we NEED help to work through it. So this thought of “I thought I could this on my own” is not a true thought at all….for anybody! The smart ones are the ones that know this. Being emotionally healthy doesn’t mean you don’t get triggered or have depressing days…to me an emotionally healthy person has the skillset, accountability and resourcefulness to know how to help themselves through challenging times. That’s why I consider myself emotionally healthy…I for sure get triggered and experience the range of emotions AND I know how to help myself. This is what you are looking to build within yourself.
That’s great that you were having a positive outlook on your life! That means there is still a fighter in you and a part of you connected to the truth of what’s possible for you. I know the depression came back in and that’s okay! The positive days will cycle back in as well.
I want to encourage you to stay focused on yourself. It doesn’t matter how other people see you. What matters FIRST…is how you see yourself. When you look to others to define who you are, that’s going to keep you in depression and full of all kinds of stories that are quite powerful and destructive. Like the story “am I really that bad to have deserved to be treated that way…” People are going to treat you a certain way because of who THEY are as a person and not because of who you are as a person. Again, you are looking at how he treated you as something that YOU did or didn’t do and that is once again, putting the power into HIS hands as if he determines your value. Take back your power and value and connect to the truth…YOU are lovable and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness regardless.He was in no way a narcissist whilst we were dating. He was attentive, caring, and sweet. I think about it all the time. What I would say to him if I ever saw him again? I’m sure he was all of those things…which are common narcissistic traits. My guess is, you were so enamored with him that there were a lot of little things you missed or dismissed about him that would have shown you his narcissism. VERY FEW people actually know THAT much about people and behavior and how to recognize the subtle language of the subconscious, that they are able to pick up on words, behaviors and choices that show how destructive someone can be. The reality also is, we can all be fooled. You got fooled by him and that is not your fault. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have and each experience adds to that knowledge and shows us where we need to strengthen ourselves so we can choose better next time.
What if I can’t do it? What if it takes too long? I already left having children too late that I feel I don’t have much time left. You CAN do this and you still being here is evidence of that. Too long? It takes a lifetime Kristy to evolve and learn. It’s a never-ending journey…there is no end to this path of growth. It’s just an every day kind of thing…we learn, we grow, we fall….rinse and repeat for the rest of the days we are here. I know that sounds daunting and kind of exhausting, right? I know. I feel like that A LOT….AND, I choose to be resilient and focus on one day at time when I get into that headspace. ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! As far as children…let that go. You have to learn how to love yourself first because you can effectively provide a good home for a child. Besides, there are MANY ways to have children in your life. I do not have children and never in a million years did I think I would be 50 with no children. I’m 100% okay with it though because I have kids in my life, I have a lot of dogs in my life and I find ways to activate my nurturing/mothering energy that completely fulfills me. I had to let go of the idea of having my own children and just trust that whatever shows up in my life, is the best design for my growth. So in this lifetime…the best design was for me not to have them….and you know what??? I get to experience so many things in life that people with children will never understand or know. They experience things I will never understand or know. It’s all just a path with many gifts and challenges no matter which way you look.
It’s time for you to get onto the list for a therapist. Ask for help and set yourself up for success Kristy.
Heidi
I’m not sure if this link will work, but if it does, it’s a webinar with some amazing info. that could really help you!
Heidi
Hi Jamie,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge. It’s so frustrating, isn’t it? So many times, women pick up on signals from the guy and he won’t admit to it – many times because he is afraid and also many times, he isn’t sure what he feels. I don’t know what the deal is with your guy, but it’s valid how you are feeling.
I’m curious…does he typically avoid talking about things more serious? Is he a deep or surface level kind of guy? What is his past relationship history like?
Your situation is a bit different because you guys have known each other for a Loooong time. The hard part is that you are both now at the “settling down” stage, so the dating mindset is different. It’s a lot less about hookups and much more about looking to find someone to take a long journey with. He might be really afraid – especially since it’s you and your parents are best friends…so if something doesn’t work out between you guys, it’s not like you can create healthy separation…you guys are connected on some level through your parents and a shared life. He really might be afraid of things going awry, which will impact everyone, not just you. It’s a BIGGER risk to step into a relationship with each other, compared to someone you just met.
You have a couple of choices here:
1. Say nothing and let him take the lead. If he is the type of guy who avoid confrontation or questions, then saying nothing will keep him in comfort zone and at some point, more will be revealed on its own.2. Confront him again, in person. Go out to a nice dinner somewhere…wear something that makes you feel confident and beautiful and bring it up again. He can’t go anywhere at that point, so gently bringing up the topic may bring out more honesty from him. You can say something to the effect of: “I know I’ve asked you this before, but it really feels like something is different between us. You went from talking to me daily and nightly, to once or twice a week. We barely talk compared to what we used to do. So something changed for you. Maybe it was too much for you before and this is the new normal or maybe you are getting scared or maybe you are not seeing us as a good fit together – or maybe you just are not sure. Any of those things is okay. I just want honesty and to talk about it instead of you ignoring what I know has changed between us. Help me understand what is happening for you….”
3. You could make a request for what you want from him. You could say something like “Listen…I know we have been talking a lot less the past few weeks. I know you say everything is okay and so I am trusting that. I’m assuming this level of contact is going to be our new normal. I can accept that AND I miss you. So I was thinking that we pick 1 night a week as a date night. We plan a few hours to hang out, have a glass of wine, get intimate or just laugh the whole time….who knows. But once a week would really make me happy. What do you think about this idea…”
4. You could initiate a little more. Send more texts that make him feel good…the things you like about him, the things you respect about him, or maybe send funny videos that will make him laugh, or sexy pics. By initiating more, it may inspire him to want to connect more.
It’s all a creative process and which route you take, is more according to YOUR personality and type of partner you are. I personally am very direct, so option #1 would be my choice…but that is my personality. No matter what you choose, you are going to gather more information one way or another – which will bring you to your next steps, whatever those might be.
Does this help?
Heidi
I’m happy to help! YES YES YES! You got it! Focus on one step at a time. I totally get it though where you want it all right now. Life would be so much easier that way, right?
Here are a few ways to understand how we work as people. There is a 3 step process for healing. 1. Knowledge: you educated yourself about the what and why about your choices, feelings, behaviors etc. as well as the direction you want to head in and how to get there. 2. The healing path: Once you understand and have the knowledge about yourself, you then take the ACTION to work with those wounded parts and the parts where you feel “fractured.” This means therapy, techniques, accountability groups etc. then FINALLY step 3. Become a person of wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge in ACTION.
Let me explain this a little further. Knowledge is just involving the mind. Wisdom – which is the goal – is BEING that knowledge. For a super simple example….I could tell you all about how to make the most AMAZING chocolate chip cookies on the face of this planet. I could give you the recipe, tell you about the smell, the taste, the texture and all the details. You could know about these cookies sooooo well that you could even turn around and go sell these cookies to someone else. BUT…you truly don’t have the wisdom of these cookies until you actually taste one. Once you taste one, it becomes wisdom – because the knowing then turns into experience which turns into wisdom. Here is a real life example: when I was younger, if I got stood up on a date, I would feel so rejected and hurt and I would take a BIG hit to my self-esteem. I KNEW in my mind that it had nothing to do with me. I KNEW in my mind that I was lovable and worth knowing, even if that guy didn’t agree. But even though I KNEW the truth, it didn’t change that I had an emotional reaction that was completely different than what I knew. Over the years, with all the healing work I’ve done, I can now BE what I KNOW. Which means, if a guy stood me up on a date today, yes…I of course would feel rejected and my ego would be bruised, but that’s about it because I AM the truth now. I know AND feel that I am valuable and worth getting to know…so my reactions, behaviors and thoughts are aligned with what I know which equals WISDOM. To get from that place of knowing the truth and becoming the truth, is a process. There is a lot of healing work that needs to be done, to remove the blocks that prevent you from being wisdom. And this 3 step path is a forever thing. I cycle through this path a gazillion times a year and will do so forever. But each time I cycle through it, I become stronger and stronger and stronger. So be patient with yourself. Fill yourself with the knowledge through those books, videos, seminars etc. but get into ACTION right away which techniques to help you heal and BECOME what you know.
Let’s keep talking! I enjoy connecting with you.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
It makes a lot of sense about the TV thing. Here is a way you can approach that down that road. It’s best to talk about it AWAY from the situation – like over lunch or something – and come to an agreement. Let him know that turning on the TV while you are talking is not okay for you. If he would like to watch TV, just to let you know BUT…it will really help to plan 1 or 2 nights a week where you spend time together NOT watching TV. The part where it can get challenging, is he wants to watch TV and you want to connect. It IS a disconnect when he turn it on while trying to talk to you. If he really wanted it just for the light, he could put it on mute and continue talking with you. If he still gets distracted, then get a different lamp. I know for me personally, I CANNOT concentrate on any type of conversation when the TV is on and I will always be like that…so I have to honor that about myself and know that I’m a horrible listener with the TV on. LOL. The goal here is about finding a middle ground where you both meet your needs. Is this helpful? Does this make sense?
So what happened that everything went back to normal? Did he reach out? Were you guys able to talk through your situation?
It sounds like you both are emotionally invested in each other. Do you want to be serious with this guy? I’m sure he would like the same with you, but the reality is, with the level of anxiety he has, it’s always going to sabotage connection – it will always get in the way…just like you know how your anxious reactions ruin connection. If anything is going to work long-term with this guy, he has to be the type that is willing to grow and FACE his anxiety by DOING something about it. What kinds of actions is he taking to deal with it? If he is not in action, then a serious relationship with him is going to be quite tumultuous. Is this what you want? I know the connection is strong, but chemistry does not equal compatibility. This is more about you really looking at how you both function together as a couple and whether or not that is what you want. You DO NOT want to choose this guy based on the potential. He deserves to be loved and accepted JUST AS HE IS. So do you feel like you could be happy with him in 10 years if nothing changed?
When it comes to deciding whether you should open the door to this other guy, it’s more about what kind of person you want to be. Even though nothing has been officially discussed about being exclusive, you both have quite an emotional investment in each other. So it would hurt him to find out you went out with another guy and you know that. But also having that “commitment” conversation with him could add pressure that may increase his anxiety. But it doesn’t seem like you really want to go out with this other guy though. Am I right? Or is there a little interest for you?
Heidi
You are making complete sense! Thank you for sharing. You know, you seem to write really well. Even though you go blank in conversation, you do a great job writing your thoughts and feelings, so it’s in you for sure!
I know it can be extremely overwhelming with all the new information. Here is where I suggest you start. Just yourself. Do not focus on others…like romance, attraction etc. Focus on you and increasing your confidence. As you grow in that area, it will impact everything else AND it’s the most important aspect of your life.
Get to know yourself. Have you ever committed to journaling on a daily basis? This has been a very popular and helpful approach https://a.co/d/6BBQbIx It’s called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron (just in case the link doesn’t work). I also think the book I already recommended would be great for you. You need to connect to the beauty and power that lives within you AND develop some skills that can help you deal with the intense emotions you are having. Sound healing is powerful. Jonathon Goldman has some great YouTube videos with sound healing music. I listen to something every single night as I am going to sleep. Also look up EFT on youtube. EFT is a powerful technique I have used for years to pull me out of that dark pit of emotions. Here is a website of a guy who has a lot of tools for Tapping: https://eftuniverse.com/eft-tapping-how-to-video-with-dawson-church/
You have got to start saturating yourself with good stuff. Every single day, many times a day. Since you cannot afford to hire a therapist right now, you need to fill yourself with all kinds of good info. One of the BEST ways to build your self-esteem is by accomplishing things. Even the smallest task counts. When you take a shower, say good job! Tell yourself “I like that I did my dishes tonight.” “I like that I help the animals.” “I like that I showed up to work today.” “I like that I am interested in growth and wanting to get better.” Again…it’s CRUCIAL that you start to put some good thoughts into your life. You get to choose which energy you want to serve…depression or gratitude…and that choice can happen 100x a day…either giving into the thoughts of what you are not OR magnifying the thoughts that are ALSO true about what you DO have. This is the very beginning Kristy. And then you read books that equip you with new knowledge and skills that will continue to support your growth. So if what I recommended doesn’t resonate for you, let me know! I am happy to recommend other ones. Let go of all the other books you are looking at, because those are focused on the “other” and you need to focus purely on you. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling empowered! I love that you were able to connect to your fears about being vulnerable, own it and embrace it. Well done! It sounds like you spoke your truth and now whatever happens next is going to be okay. I really hope he has a response that joins you in trying to do things differently.
With that said…how are you going to be different? Neither of you like having all this anxiety and it doesn’t just go away. So on your end, what’s your plan about how to show up differently? How are you planning on dealing with your fears in a more healthy way?
I also admitted that I shut down when he turned on the tv because I’ve always associated that with intentional disconnect. I was devastated, and it made me feel far away from him when we were together. I’m curious…where does this association come from? I imagine he is just turning on the tv to watch it, right? He isn’t turning it on during the middle of a conversation, is he? That’s a bit of a different scenario that would support your feeling of him intentionally disconnecting.
Heidi
Look at what you are able to do with everything you are dealing with! You keep saying you don’t have any self confidence, but it takes confidence to do all the work you are doing. You are showering and brushing your teeth daily for a few weeks now and THAT COUNTS! You are fighting for yourself. That is what you celebrate Kristy. If all you focus on is what you DO NOT have, then you will stay depressed. Focusing on what you DO have adds up!!! Every day, give yourself some love for showering and brushing your teeth, for showing up for those animals, for doing working on your Masters degree…you have A LOT of great things you are doing that require confidence!
He was intelligent and a highly motivated person with loads of self-confidence. He does not have the kind of self-confidence that is healthy. He has the kind of “fake” confidence that is based on his external world and like you have already experienced, when the outside world falls apart, the inside world falls apart. Plus, people who have strong narcissistic tendencies have a false kind of confidence that is actually quite harmful. So he is not as confident as you think he is. I know he has a lot of qualities that help him be successful in life, but the quality YOU have that he does not, is heart. You are caring and don’t want to cause harm. He was very disrespectful towards you and NOT caring with how he handled everything. I would much rather deal with your heart, than his narcissism.
He knew what he wanted in life. Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of them. Thank goodness you weren’t one of them. He would have swallowed you up and over time, completely deteriorated any self confidence you do have. He is not someone who is set up to be intimate and deeply connective with his partner. He was NOT a good match for you long term.
I feel like I am socially awkward because I don’t communicate well. I have no self-confidence and no passion for anything other than music and animals. When you give 1 word answers, do you feel you have nothing more to say or you get scared of being judged for what you say? What is happening in your mind when someone asks you a question? What is the main fear that stops you from talking?
I would like to get back into it, but I need self-confidence first. In order to do that I really need to lose some weight This kind of confidence is not different than what you did with this guy…you felt better BECAUSE of him, instead of feeling good about yourself, just because of who you are. You DO NOT need to lose weight in order to start singing again. There are PLENTY of famous people who many would consider overweight – Adelle, Oprah, Queen Latifah, Christina Aguilera etc…they all have fluctuated in their weight. Who cares! They still show up on TV and entertain all of us with their brilliant voices, ideas and skillset.
I just feel that if I do meet Mr. Right, I don’t have much to offer other than care and attention. I don’t think I would benefit anyone in my current state Yes, you have a lot you are dealing with. A really good version of Mr. Right will be better suited for you when you feel better about yourself and your life. Otherwise, the state you are in right now will just attract a man who preys on your vulnerabilities. You want a man who values your strength, your heart, your fight, and WANTS you to be confident.
Are the self-help books that you are reading, helping you?
Heidi
Hi Cindi!
Welcome! I’m so glad you are here! There is so much that you BOTH are dealing with and it is really helpful to get some extra eyes on the situation to bring some clarity and ideas. So let’s dig in! There are a lot of things to say, so let’s keep this conversation going…
I don’t want to screw this up. I want to start with this statement here, because it’s important for you to recognize this thought process that is a lie and showing you a BIG fear that you have. You know what the truth is? Relationships and love are a risk…we ALL mess up ALL THE TIME…and what causes a relationship to end is far beyond any single moment that happens. What causes a breakup are a BUNCH of things…breakups are multi-layered – and in the end – it’s one or both people not being able to accept the limitations that exist within the other person or relationship. So…if things don’t work out between you guys, it’s not because YOU screwed things up – it will be because there are things happening between BOTH of you that are bigger than the connection you have with each other.
You both are carrying a lot of anxiety – which is fear about the future. Do you understand where your anxiety comes from? Have you ever really worked on it? How do you typically manage your anxiety and fears?
Here is the thing Cindi…you both are in for a serious rollercoaster ride being together. The amount of fear and how you both are handling it with each other is going to cause more damage and drama than the good things between you guys. You BOTH need to learn a different way to manage your feelings and anxiety so neither of you causes more harm. No matter how strong the connection and chemistry and bond is between you both, the anxiety and fear WILL WIN and sabotage the connection. So before trying to figure out the relationship, the anxiety has to be dealt with individually so it becomes much more manageable. Does this make sense?
If I were you, I would say something to the effect of, “We both are afraid and that’s normal. Love is a risk and there is no way around that. We will both be triggered a lot as we explore this connection we have and it’s scary. For me, my choice is to face my fears. I want to handle my fears by letting them come up and dealing with them and mastering them. I am never NOT going to be afraid, but I want to be the kind of partner that will not let fear decide for me. So that means I am willing to explore what we have, continue to talk things out – but I’d like to learn WITH you, how we can both communicate better, how we can work with our fears in a healthy way and to just see where this goes. One day at a time. We can both better learn how to live in the present moment instead of being so afraid about things that haven’t even happened yet. We are both strong enough to handle whatever shows up in our lives, so how about we just focus on the day we are in and find the joy and connection in each moment?”
And I would suggest you BOTH spend some time talking about how to help each other work through the fears that show up – instead of running from them. That is..if he is interested.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Leslie,
It sounds like a bit of a rollercoaster between you guys. I love that you are wanting to establish trust and connection again, so I hope you have some good patience! This one may take quite a bit of time…but that can be a really good thing!
How long were him and his ex together? Do you know why they broke up? How long have they been separated? My guess is, he is still grieving the loss of her, which leads me to believe they may have been together for quite a while. This is why it may take quite a bit of time before his heart is open to experiencing you. What is REALLY important here, is to be very careful. You DO NOT want to be the rebound girl. His heart needs to feel complete about his ex. As long as he holds onto any hurt, anger or love for her, he is NOT available for you. So go slow with him and be very careful that you do not become his “feel good” bandaid for any leftover stuff he hasn’t processed about his ex. Does this make sense?
In the meantime, focus on building your friendship together. I love that you are just keeping things light and fun…that’s exactly what he needs! Stay light, friendly and slowly let the trust build. Your goal is for him to feel good every time you guys have an interaction. Laugh, start to create inside jokes, send funny videos and build from that space first and foremost. THEN…you can slowly build more intimacy over time…LITTLE BITS at a time. By intimacy, I mean emotional intimacy…like you sharing something personal with him or asking him for advice about something in your life etc. This is how you build friendship over time…and building that kind of connection can really help a guy feel safe to connect, especially when he most likely is still dealing with the many layers of a breakup.
I know you feel some chemistry there, but if you want this connection with him to have meaning, DO NOT let the chemistry lead you down the path of a one night stand or something surface…unless you are okay with that.
I’m also wondering…will this affect your work at all? I know workplace romances and really cause quite a bit of upheaval, so if you guys do get together, will it impact your job? Not sure how big your company is or if your jobs intersect. Is your job safe, no matter how things turn out with this guy?
Thoughts?
Heidi
