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Good luck Kristy! It was wonderful getting to talk with you and being small part of your process. I believe in you!
Oh gosh, I am so so sorry for what you have had to go through with all of them. So much of how they were feeling, is about them and they sure didn’t talk well with you about how they felt. It does sound like they just liked to blame you. You became the target for their feelings and while one said you needed to be accountable, she was blaming you instead of holding herself accountable – so she wasn’t even doing what she was telling you that you needed to do. I’m sure there are a TON of other details that could easily be turned into a reality tv show. In the end, it doesn’t change all the rejection and hurt that you are having to feel right now, and my heart goes out to you. It’s tough!!
I love that your cat still interests you…our pets are lifesavers aren’t they? They bring us so much love and connection with FULL acceptance of who we are. Have you ever considered doing an animal communication session with your cat? If you don’t know what that is, here is a website of a woman who is really amazing at it! Ive had a handful of sessions with her and it’s helped every single time. https://www.animalwize.com/
Since you don’t have to the discipline to read, what about watching videos or listening to podcasts? Have you ever considered working with a coach or therapist? My coach is masterful. She has helped me clear some of the my deepest, darkest pain and brought me from feeling like I was drowning to feeling empowered. She is incredible. I’m happy to share her info. with you, if that interests you.
Heidi
I feel disappointed when they don’t meet my needs and make it mean that they don’t care. This is a super common response and feeling that many people have. Unfortunately, it’s a thought and feeling that is full of lies. First, it’s your responsibility to get your needs met, right? I know you know this. Getting our needs met is a VERY creative process and includes other people sometimes helping us, but regardless, WE have to be the sole, foundational provider of meeting our own needs. So it’s important to understand EXACTLY what you need in the moment. So if you are sad…you need comfort. What can you do to bring comfort in your life ON YOUR OWN. Of course you can always get some great hugs from friends and family and words of encouragement. But let’s say they aren’t available…what would you do to comfort yourself? This line of questioning and exploration is what is missing most in relationships. People end up relying heavily on each other and when the other person fails, which they always do, the entire relationship has nothing to stand on. So having a mindset to ALWAYS meet your needs yourself and use other people as a complimentary resource, THEN…when your partner fails, you will have trust and confidence in YOURSELF that you will okay – and you will be much less attached because you are relying on yourself – not him – to take care of your needs. Do you understand this mindset and approach? Honestly, it’s sooooooo much easier to just look to the other person to fix the hurt. This mindset I am talking about requires work and being in a deeper relationship with yourself – not a path that many will take.
I don’t have “tests” they need to pass before they can earn my heart. What are some examples, if you don’t mind sharing? Well, another way to say this is: What are your standards? I coach my clients to create their non-negotiable list. This is a list of qualities that truly are non-negotiable…meaning your soul will literally fade away and lose life if these qualities are not present in the relationship. This list is where you come up with the “tests.” It’s quite a layered process I take my clients through, but you can at least start to play with the idea. For example, I KNOW that I will die without romance. I will not stay engaged or nourished without a guy enjoying and being creative with how he expresses his feelings for me. I KNOW I have to be with a guy who deeply values animals. I do a lot of dog sitting and always have a dog of my own. Animals are a really big part of my life, so my guy must love that about me and want to be involved as well. I KNOW I have to have a guy who is active and loves nature. I live in Colorado and am always taking adventures in the mountains. I do a lot of hiking and exploring, so I NEED a guy who loves the mountains AND who enjoys being active in them. Do you see where I’m going with this?? Like I have previously said, the #1 thing I am also always looking for, is how they treat me, themselves and others under stress. If he has all the other qualities, but responds to stress in a way that is damaging and toxic, nothing else matters…it will never work long term…unless he is willing to work on it and make those deeper changes.
I am also curious if you have thoughts on a man’s desire to first be exclusive and then decide to be in a relationship, and how that should affect my mentality/choices in each stage. Or to just not agree to be exclusive without the title of relationship knowing that I get attached quickly. I’m a little confused here. If there is an agreed upon exclusivity, that’s both people agreeing to be in a relationship. Did you guys agree to be exclusive, but then he wouldn’t call it a relationship?? I’m not sure I understand.
As far as attaching so quickly, in essence and at the core, that is wounded energy driving it. Imagine a piece of swiss cheese. Lots of holes, right? Well, those wholes represent areas where we are missing parts of ourselves, due to traumas and unresolved hurts from our past. We LOVE LOVE LOVE to fill those holes with the outside world….lovers, food, substances, spending money etc. Those “fixes” are like putting a bandaid over a super big cut that needs to be opened up, cleaned out and stitched up. A bandaid works for a bit, but it doesn’t change that an infection is imminent, because the wound wasn’t cared for properly. So…we end up making a lot of decisions from the energy of that empty hole we are trying to fill….hence you get attached fast and move fast – and when the guy doesn’t respond to you in the way you need, you get upset and tell yourself he doesn’t care. So…who taught you that? Where in your life were you left wanting and needing love and attention and connection?
You mentioned having a therapist, but then also saying this is the most you have ever processed in the past 6 months. I’m wondering…what is your therapist doing with you? Do you feel like it’s helping you heal? Is it just talk therapy or are there other methods they use to help you heal? I ask this because it’s quite common for people to feel like they don’t really feel much different from working with their therapist…to which I say, you don’t have the right therapist then. In all the years I have worked with my coach, there isn’t a single session I have had with her where I didn’t feel different after. She is the most powerful, intuitive and intelligent person I know. She knows how to target the places where I am stuck, lead me into healing and set me up with a skillset to move through my life so much easier. That is how you should feel about your therapist and if you don’t, maybe it’s time to consider a new one. I’m happy to send you the info. of my coach and you can try just 1 session with her and see the difference. Just something to think about.
Heidi
I want to learn how for the future to date in a way that I know a relationship may end at any point in time, but it doesn’t hurt me so much the way this one did. Or I don’t feel so attached that even 6 months down the line, I am not over him and trying to make sense of why things ended. From what you are saying, it sounds like you strongly attach and end up losing yourself a bit. Imagine this…imagine feeling clear, super confident internally and feeling completely safe in your life. You feel like no matter what happens, you’ve got this!
THAT mindset, that type of confidence, that level of trust in yourself is what will help you be more discerning and not lose yourself with a guy. I know you don’t lose yourself completely, but it sounds like you lose yourself enough that you tend to jump in faster.
How fast or slow someone moves while building a romantic connection, has a lot to do with fear…too fast or too slow are sourced by fear – it’s just expressed differently. So it’s less about your approach (although that is important) and more about your internal feelings about yourself and your relationship to love and your beliefs about love. I know for me, the more baggage I cleared from my past, the more clear I became about how I wanted to date – and I was so much more “less attached” to outcomes and instead just able to go with the flow and accept the process and make decisions from a clear mind vs. my fear. Have you ever worked with a coach or therapist? It would be a great thing to really dig deep into what’s happening for you, so you can get at the CORE issue vs. just trying to understand and change your behavior – because that is just a bandaid and doesn’t address the deeper stuff going on.
“Things moved very fast. I didn’t feel like I had the space to get deeper in the relationship and then progressively test things out, to fall in love. Not blowing smokes – you have the goods. It’s a form over substance issue.” If things moved too fast for him, it’s because he joined you. Do YOU feel things moved fast with this guy? Looking back, do you see that you have this pattern? What EXACTLY do you do that would make them feel like you move fast? When you are dating a guy you like, do you tend to start thinking about marriage with them pretty quickly and if it’s possible? Do you have standards and tests they need to pass before earning your heart?
Heidi
I just have trouble being happy with myself and my accomplishments. I woke up this morning with a better attitude, so maybe I am coming out of my depression wave. I always see myself as a victim. And what are you doing about this?
I can never forgive them for destroying my life. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this. You should watch the movie “Hurricane.” It might really help you. In the end Kristy, deciding not to forgive only hurts you. It keeps you in depression and keeps you very limited in your life. You are struggling so much, and not forgiving and holding onto your anger and resentment are what keeps you feeling depressed and like a victim. Is that what you want? Do you want to feel like this for another 10 years? Another 20 years? That is way more exhausting than deciding to let go of the anger and hurt you feel. I have had to forgive some of the very worst, most dark, most evil acts humans can do. All I wanted was revenge – which of course I could never get – so I had to choose between revenge and peace. I had to choose between rage and suffering and being free from my past so I could actually move on. You have that same exact choice Kristy. Every single time you loop around in your mind about how angry you are and how you were a victim, you can also finish that story by saying “AND…I choose to forgive all of them. I choose to forgive myself for not being able to protect myself.” Say that over and over and over and over again…you won’t feel it at first, but the more you consciously say it, the more your heart will align with it. You want to feel happy the majority of time, right? You want to have a life that enjoy, right? You will never be able to get that as long as you don’t forgive because instead you are choosing to be in relationship with resentment and anger.
I suppose this would be something to discuss with the therapist, again. Find a therapist that works for you Kristy. Talk therapy is a pretty limited version of healing. Find a therapist that has a skillset BEYOND talking…if you can find one that does EMDR, that is a very powerful technique. Hypnosis can be very helpful as well. IFS (internal family systems) is great, Brainspotting is great. I don’t know what types of modalities you have there in Australia, but look it up. If you are just talking, you won’t get very far.
Heidi
Oh wow! You are going through a lot of rejection right now. Yikes! What happened with your best friends??? Do you understand why it happened? Let’s talk about this!
I’ve recently lost all interest in things I used to love doing You are in survival mode. That’s depression you are dealing with and it’s really important that work with it. Is there something new you can try? Dance lessons? Art classes? Crochet lessons? Finding anything creative is a very powerful way to shift your energy. One thing I will occasionally do, is go buy a few dozen roses and pass them out to strangers through the day. Putting a smile on someone else’s face is pretty great. Watch movies where the main character fights for something. Listen to podcasts with people that motivate you. Put on music and dance around – dance depression, dance anger, dance hurt – dance your emotions. Get exercising somehow. Go walk barefoot in the grass for 15 minutes. Write a letter to him and then burn it.
Are you the type that enjoys self-help books?
Heidi
There is soooo much to talk about, hopefully I can help make some sense of things. Thank you for correcting a few things and explaining a little further. Being on technology really can make things confusing sometimes! I love talking with you, so let’s keep picking this apart!
So perhaps the energy there was discomfort with the lack of clarity and hurt that he would choose not to meet me halfway. So using that same question: What do you want him to do for you? You are wanting him to give you clarity and understanding so you could “fix” something….yourself. The truth is…you DO NOT need him to give you clarity and understanding. His experience of you is just that..HIS! Another guy would have a completely different experience of your “pushing.” In essence, you were giving him A LOT of power as if what he said would become something you needed to fix and it would help you have closure. You can have closure within yourself WITHOUT him. If you think about it, him not giving you clarity means you get to just accept who you are and your limitations and make that okay! Does this make sense?
the desire to stay connected still does give a feeling of security. I am trying to think how I could have given myself security in the moment. Finding security within yourself can sometimes be found with friends and family, but it’s also important to know how to create that for yourself, without anyone’s help. Finding security within yourself means connecting to yourself and your abilities. You are smart, resilient, resourceful and a seeker. So when you feel insecure about anything, you remind yourself “I am MORE than feeling insecure. I am resilient and resourceful and even though I am afraid of losing him, I KNOW I will be okay. I trust in myself. I know my abilities and I have a good support system. No matter what he does or doesn’t do, I will be okay.”
“Hey he’s not prioritizing this right now and you deserve someone who does. That doesn’t mean you have to walk away right now, but prioritize yourself, stop initiating communication, and see what he does. Someone isn’t going to be able to meet all of our needs. So there are going to be many moments in a relationship when they completely fail and are not there for you. That’s why is SOOOOO important for you to have your own skillset of how to support yourself WITHOUT them. That’s what the question “What do you want him to do for you….” is so important. You start to see where the gaps are – where you are relying on someone else to take care of you and help you feel better.
I am just thinking allowed, because I was so emotionally attached that I don’t think I had the true space to say that I would walk away if I wasn’t getting what I wanted. And I just wonder that if I’m one year into a relationship, how I can take a step back to evaluate if I’m getting what I want and be able to walk away if I’m not. I guess after this experience, I’m so afraid that I won’t able to have a “walk away” power once I’ve entered a relationship. This is a tough one. I understand your fear of not having that “walk away” power…AND…you will figure it out. You can trust that when you are enough pain, you will make different decisions, so the pain will eventually get sooooo big, that your “walk away” power will increase. And if you choose to stay in it, even though you aren’t happy, you get to do that! Trust in yourself. You are always doing the best you can, with what you know and life will continue to teach you.
Here is one of the most important things to look for in a relationship…how they treat you in their worst moments. It’s during the stressful times in life where relationships either succeed or fail. I always coach people who are looking for love, to look for this BEFORE opening up your heart completely. In the beginning, I will ask questions like, What are you like when you get angry? What is the worst thing you have ever done to someone? Tell me about your worst heart break. These types of questions can give you a tiny viewpoint into how he approaches stress in his life. Then of course, you will experience stress with him and see what happens. And the other most important quality you have to look for is someone who is willing to grow and learn. A guy who isn’t really the type to self-reflect or accept accountability, then you aren’t going to get very far with him. So this guy for example, if I were his coach, I would be holding him accountable to all kinds of things where he was being ineffective with you and how he could have shown up differently. Would you say that this guy is someone who wants to learn and grow within himself? Would he ever see a therapist or coach? Would he ever read self help books or go through a program with you to improve the relationship? I’m just sharing this to give you a took about the most important aspect of a relationship – how you treat each other in your worst moments…and IF he is workable and willing to learn and grow…THEN there is actually potential. Everything else will be built upon that foundation and continue to work or not work. Here is a great article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ I also LOVE this book. I know it was written for men, but it’s super quick read, VERY helpful for women as well and will help you understand yourself more deeply. https://www.gottman.com/product/the-mans-guide-to-women/
But because I know that I could have showed up better, it’s hard not to wonder if it could have worked out if I had the security within myself to take care of my own emotions and give him grace. I understand your thinking. It’s very normal. Yes, you could have done this AND so could he. He didn’t give you grace. He pointed the finger at you instead and blamed you for being too pushy. He is a grown man and could have set some very clear boundaries with you, but he didn’t do that. He instead became unavailable to you and left you hanging. Again, yes this whole thing got a little bit messy, but what you learned is that your connection didn’t have what it needs to have to endure a speedbump…and that is something you needed to know. It didn’t work because of BOTH of you, not because of you being you and getting a bit pushy. So ask the same of him…”What was he wanting from you, that he wasn’t doing for himself?” He was feeling pressured and wanting YOU to give him space. Why didn’t he give himself space?? In a healthy way…he did take space, but in a way that was destructive to the connection.
“The thing is that you think you’re asking me a question from a place of curiosity, but it comes across as if you think I did something wrong.” A week later, my brother said something very similar to me, so I think it’s something for me to work on. This is great information! So pay attention to it, but I would also see if you can get more detail from your brother. It’s important to understand that someone is telling you THEIR experience of you, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s how everyone experiences you. I have heard from a lot of guys in my past saying I was always telling them what was wrong with them. The truth is, they received my confrontation in that way, because they had their own insecurities. Of course, I learned to shift my delivery and paid better attention to my energy, so their experience of me was specific to their own low self-esteem, which has nothing to do with me. So always take what someone says about you, with a grain of salt. Get curious about it and ask more questions and see if you can get more detail from your brother about why he felt the way he did.
I feel bad about that. And I don’t know if that’s a me issue, or this person isn’t compatible with me otherwise he wouldn’t have brought that side out of me. Probably it’s both.
I would snap at him and that made him feel inadequate and like he couldn’t explore a deeper relationship with me. You don’t MAKE him feel anything. If he felt inadequate, it’s because that energy is living in him and it got activated by you. It’s not your fault that you happened to press the button. If you had 100 different guys that you snapped at, you would get various reactions, right? I’m only saying this to help you pull back a bit and take a lot less responsibility for what happened. Yes, you were messy AND so is he. A relationship that works, is one where you get to be messy and have it be okay instead of break the relationship. You did not do anything THAT horrible that would warrant an immediate breakup. My guess is, he has never fully invested in you and because of that, he broke pretty easily. It’s almost like he had 1 foot out the door already and needed something else to happen to step out instead of finding ways to stay. Your messiness is absolutely workable AND you are willing to learn and grow….yet, he wouldn’t join you there – so to me, that is a guy not very invested and has some things to figure out within himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I agree there is something I need to do differently moving forward, but I’m not quite sure what it is. The first thing I would suggest is to pay more attention to the energy sourcing your need to “push” or “confront” or “talk.” I know for me, I want to “push” sometimes because I want an answer, because I am uncomfortable or fearful. Sometimes it’s just because I want to learn and am curious. Sometimes I want to push that person into a new understanding about themselves. Anytime you are “pushing” for something, stop and pay attention to what is REALLY happening for you. From what it sounds like with your current situation, you were pushing him to talk from a place of fear. You were afraid of losing him, so if you could just talk to him and get some answers, you could fix something…whatever that may be. So being that he wouldn’t talk, you were left feeling powerless to fix anything – therefore facing the feeling of being disconnected from him…which would activate your need to find control somewhere – which activated your need to push and pressure. Does this make sense?? If you were completely okay to let him have his own process, even if it meant feeling disconnected from him – you wouldn’t feel the need to push him into talking. There would be nothing for you to “fix” because you trust the process. I hope I am explaining this well…it’s hard to type all of this out. I usually am talking to a person and showing a diagram about how this plays out.
The best I can think is that I could have pulled back my energy. Here is the thing…you didn’t pull back AND you deserve to be loved and fought for anyways. You keep thinking that if you had done things differently, you wouldn’t be where you are at right now. The truth is, there are some inherent, core challenges here that without HIM facing, breaking up is inevitable. Couples that last, accept each other and their limitations. So what that you pushed!!! If that is the worst of you, then any guy is lucky to have you! You are ALWAYS going to push too hard sometimes – AND – the right partner will know and accept this about you and work WITH you instead of disconnect.
He said he needed a few days to think about it to be able to articulate what he still needed to experience in order to feel comfortable entering into a relationship. This is a red flag here. There is something stopping him from really opening up and inviting you into his life. After a year, if he doesn’t instantly know the answer to this, then he is not really invested to the level you deserve.
Given where the conversations were left off, how could I have moved differently? Again, not the question to be asking. The right question is….is he really the best match for me?
I sometimes struggle with finding the balance between letting something go versus communicating in a nice yet assertive way when it’s something that’s important to me. Anything that is important to you, deserves to be spoken and fought for…AND…if someone is not aligning with it, then that is information you need to have about them. You then have a choice…accept their limitation and accept that what you need is not going to be met or accept who they are and that they are not a good match for you. If you let something go, that is your choice. I promise…if it’s important enough to you, it will come back up again, over and over and over again. The things you are truly able to let go of, will literally fall away and you will be at peace about it. But the things that need to paid attention to, they will let you know.
Here is a question I always work with and it’s a tough one. When I have a need that someone is not meeting for me, the first question I ask is: What do I want this other person to do for me, that I am not doing for myself? So with your guy, you were wanting him to connect to you so you could feel secure in your relationship. It’s THAT energy that caused you to push more and more to get answers and then resulted in him feeling pressured. Again…VERY NORMAL – and – something for you to pay attention to, so you can approach it differently next time. So if you were to meet your own needs, that would mean looking at how HIM disconnecting from you, caused you to feel disconnected and out of balance and insecure and fearful within yourself. THEN….YOU take care of those feelings yourself. YOU meet your own needs. YOU help yourself feel secure, balanced and connected to the truth. When you do this, whatever requests you make from him will have a completely different energy around it. BUT…it doesn’t mean that he would have a different response. There is something missing here on HIS end and that’s about HIS process, not yours and has NOTHING to do with how you acted.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
know what you are saying Heidi, but my brain is fighting against me. This is very normal Kristy. We ALL have the devil on one should and angel on the other. Everyone has thoughts like you do, but the difference between you and me and any other person, is how we choose to interact with them. Here is an old Cherokee “parable” that explains this so well: https://www.virtuesforlife.com/two-wolves/
You are not powerless or a victim here Kristy. I have given you SEVERAL tools to start to feed the side of you that IS strong, confident and wants to fight for more in her life. Have you used any of them? I know how those negative thoughts can be all consuming, as I’ve experienced that sooooo many times in my life and will again. I CHOOSE to fill my mind with positive thoughts through movies, music, the techniques I’ve shared, podcasts, videos etc. When I cannot grab onto positive thoughts on my own, I go to outside sources. Have you done that yet? If you haven’t, then start now. Start to build your skillset to counteract these negative thoughts. The reality is, no matter how much therapy or medication you do, negative thoughts will ALWAYS be with you. It is just a part of being human and having a fragile side to us, so RIGHT NOW is the time for you to start to learn to work with those thoughts and help yourself.
Trying to trick the brain doesn’t work for me. It’s not about trying to trick the brain. It’s about putting a positive thought in your brain as well. It’s okay if you don’t believe it or feel it. It still has an impact and there are MANY MANY studies to back this up. So even though you don’t believe or feel “I AM valuable and deserve to be fought for,” say it anyways. Say it out loud. Say it to yourself in the mirror – even 1 time. You may be depressed, but you are more than that. You are also loving and kind to the animals. You enjoy loving and connecting deeply and feeling open-hearted. Your beautiful heart has the ability to heal and give an animal or person an experience of being seen and loved – even if they come from a lot of trauma where they learned differently. I imagine you come across a lot of dogs that have been mistreated and they don’t trust. Do you blame them and shame them for it? No! You have compassion for them. You understand them. You want to help teach them there is a new experience for them, right? Well, that’s how you need to treat yourself. With the same love, patience and compassion you show those animals who do have fears and limitations.
The therapist will know how to help you, so there is no need to figure out what to say or where to start. They are experts at this and will know how to get the info. they need each time, in order to help you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I have this resentment that I was willing to put in the effort to repair and he just prioritized himself and his capacity, while indirectly asking me figure out my own mental health and emotions myself. I understand your resentment. It’s very normal and honestly, it’s not fair, is it? AND…as long as you hold onto that resentment, you won’t be able to have clear, authentic connection with him on any level. You have to forgive his limitations. You have to forgive yourself for not being able to get what you wanted and needed from him. Release the negative energy of his choices that stem from fear and dysfunction. He is wounded and doesn’t have a skillset, nor the drive to work on himself. That is NOT the kind of guy that will work well for you…so in the end, if you really think about it, his disfunction is a gift to you. Him shutting down showed you that he is NOT a good match for you. The sooner you know that, that better, right? So be thankful you saw his limitations, have compassion for his own hurt and pain, as you have the same hurt and pain (you just deal with it differently) and get connected to the BIGGER truth that actually matters…you guys were NOT meant to last. You were more meant to take a short journey together and that’s it. There are lessons to be learned and the opportunity for growth, but NOT long term love. It’s tough though. It’s no doubt painful. The gift of the pain is for you to remember it, so you are more discerning in the future, right? These painful experiences, teach us to move differently in the dating world, so we better care and protect our hearts.
I’m curious if your suggestion here is to let go of the friendship completely Yes, let it go completely. What I mean by that, is let go of your attachment to him on ALL levels. When you don’t need anything from him, you both are free to just be and interact without expectation and the friendship will develop organically from that space. So when you let go of needing anything from him, you can just be in the friend group and feel totally comfortable and accepting of who he is. That will take some time for you to get into that space, but that’s the goal. Then however the new friendship develops in whatever form it takes, it will be more clean and clear. It’s your hope for something more down the road, it’s your resentment and it’s your need for something more from him, that makes the friend group have a funky energy for you and everyone involved. So maybe take a break, give yourself some space and time to heal and let everyone else have some space and time and then step back in when you feel. more grounded and clear.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Virginie!
It makes sense where you guys are at right now with everything you explained. Looking back and seeing the signs is the way to learn how to better move forward in the future. Good job with really looking at your side of things.
On his side of things, the CORE problem is that he wouldn’t talk to you and be honest. That is a SUPER red flag. Relationships will never last if 1 or both people are not fully transparent and authentic. So even if you didn’t do all of those little things that added up to the breakup, something else would have caused the breakup. There is nothing you can do to be better as a partner if your partner won’t talk to you and that is HIS challenge. He is not setup to have a successful long term relationship with anyone. Communication and lack thereof is always in the top 1 or 2 reasons for divorce and breakups, so until he learns to use his voice and be honest with his feelings, he will never do well long term in relationships and love.
It doesn’t really matter “why” he is cutting you off on IG and still watching your FB stories. He has his own path of healing and releasing and he is going about it in his own ways. He is in a lot of pain right now and that’s good. Pain is one of the greatest motivators for growth, so if someone hurts enough, then they are willing to change what didn’t work and their choices…and that’s the place he needs to get to whether now or later on down the road. You need to let him have that pain…it’s important. Your job is continue to grow and learn for yourself and release and forgive the past. If you guys ever do get back together, you can start fresh and new and stepping in with new growth and skills. So focus on yourself. DO NOT spend time trying to figure the why and what he is doing, as it’s all just a guessing game anyways and doesn’t matter, as it doesn’t change anything. What DOES change things, is you healing.
Heidi
Hi Janiki,
I’m so sorry that you are having to navigate this. From what you have shared here, it sounds like he is right…you guys are just different. He wants to hide and you want to face things and talk about it. You both approach stress in different ways. I am very much like you where I want to face things directly, talk about them and work on resolving them. I’ve had plenty of guys tell me I was way too pushy and it caused them to shut down, so I get the dynamic. Reality is, there is truth in how they felt AND it’s who I am and always will be. Yes, I need to chill sometimes, but in the end, I will NEVER match well with someone who shuts down and doesn’t want to talk and work through things.
It’s important for you to honor yourself and he needs to honor who he is – and under stress, you guys are not a good match. Plus, he is dealing with his parents separating, which usually puts people in a lot of fear about love and connecting. Bottom line is, I think you are spot on when you say he is not emotionally available.
What to do?? Nothing. Let him go on ALL levels. I know you miss him, but you guys will never go back to the friendship you had before as it was a friends with benefits kind of thing and between you guys…it gets mucky and didn’t work. So let the idea of hanging out with him and being friends in that way….let it go. You still have feelings for him, so until you reach a point where you have no attraction or desire to be with him, even just to hang out…it’s best you keep your distance and just see him in the friend group. That is the place to build a new kind of friendship that is purely platonic and clean.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I thought I could do this all on my own. This is NOT possible for anyone. I am now an extremely high functioning, very emotionally intelligent person AND there is no way I could have become that without help from other experts AND I still need help and always will. We are NOT designed to ever do this life alone. There are such stressful and challenging moments that feel SO SO SO big that we NEED help to work through it. So this thought of “I thought I could this on my own” is not a true thought at all….for anybody! The smart ones are the ones that know this. Being emotionally healthy doesn’t mean you don’t get triggered or have depressing days…to me an emotionally healthy person has the skillset, accountability and resourcefulness to know how to help themselves through challenging times. That’s why I consider myself emotionally healthy…I for sure get triggered and experience the range of emotions AND I know how to help myself. This is what you are looking to build within yourself.
That’s great that you were having a positive outlook on your life! That means there is still a fighter in you and a part of you connected to the truth of what’s possible for you. I know the depression came back in and that’s okay! The positive days will cycle back in as well.
I want to encourage you to stay focused on yourself. It doesn’t matter how other people see you. What matters FIRST…is how you see yourself. When you look to others to define who you are, that’s going to keep you in depression and full of all kinds of stories that are quite powerful and destructive. Like the story “am I really that bad to have deserved to be treated that way…” People are going to treat you a certain way because of who THEY are as a person and not because of who you are as a person. Again, you are looking at how he treated you as something that YOU did or didn’t do and that is once again, putting the power into HIS hands as if he determines your value. Take back your power and value and connect to the truth…YOU are lovable and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness regardless.He was in no way a narcissist whilst we were dating. He was attentive, caring, and sweet. I think about it all the time. What I would say to him if I ever saw him again? I’m sure he was all of those things…which are common narcissistic traits. My guess is, you were so enamored with him that there were a lot of little things you missed or dismissed about him that would have shown you his narcissism. VERY FEW people actually know THAT much about people and behavior and how to recognize the subtle language of the subconscious, that they are able to pick up on words, behaviors and choices that show how destructive someone can be. The reality also is, we can all be fooled. You got fooled by him and that is not your fault. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have and each experience adds to that knowledge and shows us where we need to strengthen ourselves so we can choose better next time.
What if I can’t do it? What if it takes too long? I already left having children too late that I feel I don’t have much time left. You CAN do this and you still being here is evidence of that. Too long? It takes a lifetime Kristy to evolve and learn. It’s a never-ending journey…there is no end to this path of growth. It’s just an every day kind of thing…we learn, we grow, we fall….rinse and repeat for the rest of the days we are here. I know that sounds daunting and kind of exhausting, right? I know. I feel like that A LOT….AND, I choose to be resilient and focus on one day at time when I get into that headspace. ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! As far as children…let that go. You have to learn how to love yourself first because you can effectively provide a good home for a child. Besides, there are MANY ways to have children in your life. I do not have children and never in a million years did I think I would be 50 with no children. I’m 100% okay with it though because I have kids in my life, I have a lot of dogs in my life and I find ways to activate my nurturing/mothering energy that completely fulfills me. I had to let go of the idea of having my own children and just trust that whatever shows up in my life, is the best design for my growth. So in this lifetime…the best design was for me not to have them….and you know what??? I get to experience so many things in life that people with children will never understand or know. They experience things I will never understand or know. It’s all just a path with many gifts and challenges no matter which way you look.
It’s time for you to get onto the list for a therapist. Ask for help and set yourself up for success Kristy.
Heidi
I’m not sure if this link will work, but if it does, it’s a webinar with some amazing info. that could really help you!
Heidi
Hi Jamie,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge. It’s so frustrating, isn’t it? So many times, women pick up on signals from the guy and he won’t admit to it – many times because he is afraid and also many times, he isn’t sure what he feels. I don’t know what the deal is with your guy, but it’s valid how you are feeling.
I’m curious…does he typically avoid talking about things more serious? Is he a deep or surface level kind of guy? What is his past relationship history like?
Your situation is a bit different because you guys have known each other for a Loooong time. The hard part is that you are both now at the “settling down” stage, so the dating mindset is different. It’s a lot less about hookups and much more about looking to find someone to take a long journey with. He might be really afraid – especially since it’s you and your parents are best friends…so if something doesn’t work out between you guys, it’s not like you can create healthy separation…you guys are connected on some level through your parents and a shared life. He really might be afraid of things going awry, which will impact everyone, not just you. It’s a BIGGER risk to step into a relationship with each other, compared to someone you just met.
You have a couple of choices here:
1. Say nothing and let him take the lead. If he is the type of guy who avoid confrontation or questions, then saying nothing will keep him in comfort zone and at some point, more will be revealed on its own.2. Confront him again, in person. Go out to a nice dinner somewhere…wear something that makes you feel confident and beautiful and bring it up again. He can’t go anywhere at that point, so gently bringing up the topic may bring out more honesty from him. You can say something to the effect of: “I know I’ve asked you this before, but it really feels like something is different between us. You went from talking to me daily and nightly, to once or twice a week. We barely talk compared to what we used to do. So something changed for you. Maybe it was too much for you before and this is the new normal or maybe you are getting scared or maybe you are not seeing us as a good fit together – or maybe you just are not sure. Any of those things is okay. I just want honesty and to talk about it instead of you ignoring what I know has changed between us. Help me understand what is happening for you….”
3. You could make a request for what you want from him. You could say something like “Listen…I know we have been talking a lot less the past few weeks. I know you say everything is okay and so I am trusting that. I’m assuming this level of contact is going to be our new normal. I can accept that AND I miss you. So I was thinking that we pick 1 night a week as a date night. We plan a few hours to hang out, have a glass of wine, get intimate or just laugh the whole time….who knows. But once a week would really make me happy. What do you think about this idea…”
4. You could initiate a little more. Send more texts that make him feel good…the things you like about him, the things you respect about him, or maybe send funny videos that will make him laugh, or sexy pics. By initiating more, it may inspire him to want to connect more.
It’s all a creative process and which route you take, is more according to YOUR personality and type of partner you are. I personally am very direct, so option #1 would be my choice…but that is my personality. No matter what you choose, you are going to gather more information one way or another – which will bring you to your next steps, whatever those might be.
Does this help?
Heidi
