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Hi Carol,
I love your description about the kinds of experiences you want to have with your person. It sounds like a wonderful relationship! I think the biggest limitation with your current guy are his inability to really work with how you are feeling. What are your thoughts on this? Do you feel this is something you can accept and work with??
Heidi
Hi Kim,
It sounds like you are in a place of acceptance of your choice to suffer for right now. Well done! That is the place to start. I know you feel he is worth it, but don’t forget yourself in that equation as well. In your choice to suffer, you are making him more valuable, more important than yourself. And that’s okay. We all go through those kinds of choices in our lives and it’s all part of growing and learning how to love ourselves enough to say no to rejection, despite the connection / feelings. I have no doubt you are exactly where you need to be and that you will get exactly where it’s most important for you! So as you are making this choice, what kinds of things can you do for yourself that are loving and compassionate and nurturing???
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
You actually said it so perfectly about being friends! Keep it simple: “I will be honest and say I still have feelings for you. I don’t want to just be friends, but at the same time, I can see how it’s a good thing right now. My focus is to just go with the flow and just trust what shows up in my life. I have no interest in controlling you and I. My interest is to honor whatever space we are each in and take it one day at a time. Is that okay for you?”
As far as giving him the letter….I honestly think it would be such a great thing for you to say IN PERSON. All you are doing is just sharing with your “friend” about how you have learned about yourself and apologizing for being messy. That’s it! Saying that in person is really powerful, takes strength and it can open the door to further conversation. If you really want to be with the guy, you need to be able to say things like this in person anyways and you need to be able to see how he responds. Is this something you are not willing to do???
Heidi
Hi Junie,
Let’s look a little further in your tendency to overthink. I understand that Al’s lack of responses can trigger your experiences with your ex. Let’s look deeper than though. Whenever we are overthinking, it’s our brain / ego wanting to get control of the situation. So because there is a sense of being in “limbo” with Al, you are spending TONS of energy trying to figure out how to create a more solid, consistent experience so you don’t have to wonder how he feels about you anymore. So you are trying to say and do all the “right” things, in effort of trying to get him more connected to you and into a commitment. Does this resonate for you???
How about trying something different. Instead of focusing on the “right” things to say or do, you just be yourself. Complimenting him every single time he reaches out can get really uninteresting. Compliments are meant to be sporadic or they can lose their power. So instead of focusing so much on HIM and trying to get him to connect to you stronger, how about you face that fear of yours. You are afraid of losing him, yes? You are afraid of him losing interest in you? If you face your fear and your need to control the situation, then you will be so much more at peace and your mind can relax. He will feel it as well. As much as you think you are “playing it cool” you might be surprised how he may still be picking up the energy and sensing it. So instead of needing him to make you feel better by texting more or committing, work on yourself and your insecurities first and then go from there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
How do you feel about what Rebecca shared from her own personal experiences? Are you willing to let this guy go? Or if not, are you willing to have no contact for at least a week and see how you feel at the end of it?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m so glad to hear you are finally getting to meet with him and can discuss what needs to happen next. Do you know what you want to say and how you want to say it?? It’s important to be clear.
You are doing a great job taking care of yourself!!! There is always going to be a certain amount of anxiety when faced with an ending. You just keep doing what you are doing. Remind your child, fearful self that you got her! She is safe in your arms and that will be with her and get through this together. It’s all okay! Endings mean opportunities for new beginnings. No matter what happens in that conversation, you are strong enough, resilient enough, resourceful enough to be okay no matter what happens.
You DO deserve the full package!!! You do deserve to have the rich, nourishing, deep emotional intimacy and by choosing to take care of yourself instead of stay connected to a man that is creating starvation…you are choosing that rich intimacy with yourself, no matter how hard it is. Well done!!!!
If you want to practice here, what you want to say and would like some help getting clear, we are here for you!!!
HeidiHi Rebecca,
I’m so glad to hear you are finally getting to meet with him and can discuss what needs to happen next. Do you know what you want to say and how you want to say it?? It’s important to be clear.
You are doing a great job taking care of yourself!!! There is always going to be a certain amount of anxiety when faced with an ending. You just keep doing what you are doing. Remind your child, fearful self that you got her! She is safe in your arms and that will be with her and get through this together. It’s all okay! Endings mean opportunities for new beginnings. No matter what happens in that conversation, you are strong enough, resilient enough, resourceful enough to be okay no matter what happens.
You DO deserve the full package!!! You do deserve to have the rich, nourishing, deep emotional intimacy and by choosing to take care of yourself instead of stay connected to a man that is creating starvation…you are choosing that rich intimacy with yourself, no matter how hard it is. Well done!!!!
If you want to practice here, what you want to say and would like some help getting clear, we are here for you!!!
HeidiHi Rhonda!
I’m glad to know that you love feeling feminine and you used to be more comfortable flirting! That means it’s in you and can be accessed again! You are not starting from scratch! Whatever you have been through these past 2 decades is over. Now you get to start fresh.
Here is a strange question I am going to ask you. How do you know you are a woman? Aside from your physical body, how would you know you are a female? It was about a decade ago I asked myself the same thing. I was living in Tennessee for a handful of months and I was getting ZERO attention. Men didn’t even look at me…which was a strange experience for me. I was used to attention. Then I realized…how do I know I am a woman, if a man isn’t responding to me and letting me know I am a female? It was a VERY hard question, because I realized how much I had wrapped my “female identity” around the attention men had given me. Being that I was getting zero attention, I figured it was the time for me to really re-shape what it means to be a woman WITHOUT sexual attention from a man. If I wasn’t flirting, if I wasn’t getting all dressed up to look good, if I wasn’t getting asked out on dates….then how do I feel my feminine self.
So I’m asking you that question now…does it make sense? Take away your physical body, being a mother and the men….how do you know you are a woman?
As far as asking that guy 10 questions, that is a bit much. You just want to ask 1 question. That’s it. Give him space to respond and space to ask you a question in return. You are dominating and controlling conversations so you can hide. You are hiding for a reason. Do you know what that is???
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
You are asking such great questions!!! I love it!
First, I know you want to establish honesty and authenticity in your relationship with him. Therefore, pretending that he is dating another girl doesn’t bother you, is not authentic to how you feel. If he brings it up, you can say something to the effect, “Listen…would you mind just honoring me and my feelings and not talking about her? I do admit that I struggle with it and I’m okay with that. It just means that I care about you. But it’s also important for me to accept your choices…so I do honor that you want to be with her for right now. So as I honor your choice, please honor my feelings and let’s not talk about her. Is that okay with you?”
As far as talking to him about what you have learned about yourself, I think it’s great to again, just be honest. Keep in the mindset that you are teaching him about you and what you have learned and that’s it….no agenda other than sharing. SO you can say something like, “I had some really big epiphanies about myself. I realized that the closer I let you into my heart, the more the fear increased and I acted out in all kinds of really ways…because I was afraid. No one has ever gotten as close to my heart as you have, so it was new territory for me. Forgive me for my messiness. I have learned and that’s so important for me. NOw that I know, I can be better.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Here is something that may help you understand yourself a little more. It’s what I call the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is what you fill your brain with…the books, the articles, the “information.” Wisdom is putting all that information / knowledge into practice and BECOMING that knowledge. So you can read all the books you want. You have a lot of “knowledge” on how to flirt, but wisdom is actually flirting and FEELING / BEING that energy….wisdom is the point where your energy aligns with the information and you become one with the information. Does that make sense??? So the main question is, how do you get knowledge to shift into wisdom??? I wish there were a direct and simple answer, but there isn’t….hence the spice of life. There is something stopping you from feeling your feminine, sensual, flirty self. I don’t know if you have never felt it, or you used to feel it and it’s gone. But the belief that you are “horrible” at it and that is your dominant thought, then all that will happen is that you are horrible at it. Here is a wonderful quote. “Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right!”
Flirting is an energy. When you connect into the energy, the actions to express that energy (flirting) become much more natural and instinctive. Everyone flirts differently as well. There are so many variations to it. Some use body language, some use words, some use touch, some use information. What I think the best avenue for you to go down is, how to connect to that feminine side of yourself. Do you feel you are beautiful? Do you ever feel sexy with an outfit you put on? Do you feel your feminine side well??
I just would like to throw out the idea of maybe going offline for a bit. When you believe that you are the one that is always doing something “wrong” because you are not getting responses, it really is going to start to wear down your self – esteem and belief in the amazing that you really are. When that starts to happen, it’s time to take a break and go build yourself back up. Go work on improving your self love and your feminine energy. Take a journey down the rabbit hole and discover what is stopping you from feeling good about flirting.
Thoughts??
Heidi
You are not too nice! DO NOT ever lose your ability to care about other people, even if they are ***holes! 🙂
Now I understand! I call that resilience.
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
Welcome!!! We are so glad you are here and sharing your questions with us!
First, I know this is not what you most likely want to hear, but I would be remiss not to mention it. You have never met in person, yet you are saying you love him, he is your person etc. You are moving quite fast with your thoughts about him. I would have to say, it’s the most dangerous part of meeting someone through technology. It’s IMPOSSIBLE not to form a fantasy around the person you are connecting with, especially if you are sexting. People, especially women, start to build a story around this person and their hearts get really invested. Problem is, you have no idea what he is like in person. That matters. Hold onto your heart, your love, your feelings and let someone EARN them from you. You have opened up the floodgates with a guy you barely know. I know you feel like you “fit” and that is such a wonderful feeling…but you also need evidence of that, in person, to know if that is actually true person to person. Make sense?
Okay…as far as your next steps, he told you EXACTLY what he needs from you, but you are ignoring him, so of course he is going to pull away. He said to chill with your feelings. He is communicating in various ways, he is not interested in having anything other than some type of sexual relationship with you at this point. It may have started out differently, but it sounds like you came on really strong with more feelings and he pulled back. This, in essence, doesn’t really allow room for the guy to chase you. Guys need to feel like they have to “work” for their woman. You guys barely know each other and you are sending him poetry, professing your love and telling him he is your person. He is not on the same page as you. He may keep coming back for the sexting aspect, but he isn’t responding to anything more than that, so I think it’s important that you REALLY listen to what he has directly said to you and also what he is telling you through his actions. If you want to catch his attention more, that would mean giving him space. No more telling him how you feel. Let him feel you pull away. This is how you can activate the “chase” in him. Is that something you are willing to try??
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I’m not sure he would view it as you being so disposable. It sounds like the meaning you are putting on his decision is triggering something from your past. Have you felt like that before??
Here’s another way to look at it…he needs to take care of himself and not go over the edge. So he is choosing himself over choosing you. It’s not at all that you are disposable, it’s that he is doing everything he can to manage and survive his life which means he needs to monitor where his attention and energy goes. Being that you are a new relationship, which is unpredictable, it would make sense to choose to let go of you so he can take that energy and focus it on himself. How does this viewpoint feel for you??
As far as his relationship with his daughter and ex-wife…those are BIG RED FLAGS!!! If he is that enmeshed with them, in an unhealthy way, that means a lot of his energy is going to those relationships, which in reality, doesn’t leave much left for another female to enter the picture in a healthy way. If you continued dating, his style of relationship with them, would cause quite a bit of a problem for you. So maybe this is a good thing it’s happening now, instead of really intertwining your lives and then having to let go a few years down the road because he is unhealthy in relationship. Just a thought.
Heidi
hahaha! I see that! I kept pressing “submit” over and over and it wasn’t sending…lol. I realized I had a bad internet connection…but I guess it’s good now!
Wow! That guy has a lot of nerve to like your picture! I’m just shaking my head…
I’m not sure it’s realistic to not have pain with love. Pain and hurt and challenge are all part of what can cause love to grow stronger, or not. Maybe I am not understanding correctly though. What do you mean there is no pain???
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Yes, you are on the right track. I was wanting to see what your vision was for the kind of love you are looking for. What does it feel like, how do your interactions happen, what do YOU feel like around that person, how do you have fun together, how do you argue. I got the gist of what you are saying though.
Would still love to hear more about it whenever you have some time!
Heidi
