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Hi Junie!
I’m loving your positive attitude!!! I love the confidence, I love all of the learning you are doing! You are doing an incredible job!
So you agreed to see him tomorrow, but what kind of date is it? Afternoon or dessert? I’m guessing it’s dessert since staying over at his house is an option now. It sounds like you are okay with sleeping with him now, but just a few days ago, you wanted to wait. What has changed for you? Just curious.
As far as asking him to be exclusive, I wouldn’t recommend it. He needs to be the one who initiates that. Again…it’s about the chase. Men NEED to chase. You are doing such a great job at giving him space to do what he needs. Besides, think of how much more amazing it will feel when HE asks you! You will know for sure, that he is ready to go to the next level. If you ask him, it immediately puts pressure on him and he may even say yes, just so you don’t get mad and ruin the evening. Guys do that all of the time!!! So let it come from him.
Since you guys really aren’t exclusive, then dating is an option. He may or may not be dating other ladies. If it’s a deal breaker for you at this point, I would suggest finding out. There has been no agreement to exclusivity, so this is a risky path to take. You could just not focus on what he is doing when he is on his own and just pay attention to what is happening with him and between the both of you when you are together. Stay present with him and have a fabulous time. It’s stuff like that, that will inspire him to want to just be with you. Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
I am soooo glad he followed through and you guys got to have your talk and empty everything out!!! That’s spectacular!
You have said a lot of things, but there is one thing I would like to recommend. You keep saying you want something back with him. You want your old feelings for him, you want your old connection back with him. I completely understand this! The thing is, your attention and energy is on the past, when it needs to be in the present. You keep wanting something that no longer exists in the present and that is where your attention needs to be. Let go of what used to be between you guys. You both were different then. What matters is what you are dealing with in the present. If you don’t feel how you want to feel, then honor that instead of trying to feel something that just isn’t there.
Your very last post was really interesting and such a great question. I have experienced this very thing MANY times so I will speak from my own experience and maybe it will help bring clarity for you. When you shift and grow, your tastes will change. Let’s say you are the color blue. People who also are some shade of blue themselves will align with you better. As you shift and grow and do a lot of work on yourself, you change to a different color…let’s say you become yellow. All of a sudden, the blueish type of people just don’t resonate as much anymore. The connection has changed, the interactions have changed, you don’t feel the same around them. So…the fact that you are calmer and more together is an absolute testament to all the work you have done yourself! It’s HUGE growth. You also have different feelings for him….less feelings….because you have changed. I have shifted out of so many friendships and relationships because of my growth. Growth causes people to start to head on different paths. The way people stay together through growing, is their paths run parallel. They grow in the same direction and it doesn’t sound like that is what is happening for you guys.
I have many other thoughts, but just wanted to start with this and see how it all makes you feel…
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I’m glad to know he has reached out and interested initiating with you! What was the reason for wanting to meet during the day? I’m curious. I thought you were okay with grabbing dessert and catching up and then heading home. If I’m reading this correctly, I’m understanding that you are wanting him to make time for you vs. squeezing you into your schedule, hence the afternoon meetup?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
I love that you focus on the positive! It is a choice isn’t it? Albeit a very difficult choice sometimes, but one still worth making.
You have been through a lot in your life and you are quite the resilient woman. I understand why you are tired. Anyone who has been through you have been through, would be tired. Of course you want to be rescued. Of course you want some help. Of course you want companionship to help make your life a little easier. You want to feel listened to, valued, you want to feel connected to a partner who goes through life WITH you.
I like to use the analogy that we are all like a big piece of swiss cheese. We have solid parts and we have holes. The only difference between each of us, is how many holes we have and how big the holes are. What most people do when searching for love, is to find someone else who can help fill those holes and relieve the suffering, relieve the loneliness, relieve the challenges in their life. It feels really good to have someone else come along and help fill up those holes with us, or for us. The only challenge about that is, it’s never a permanent solution. Because those holes exist from our past, our beliefs about ourselves, our internal emotional structure, having someone else help us fill that is like putting a band-aid on. It’s only temporary and it doesn’t take long for that other person who is helping you fill your holes will mess up somehow, just because they are human and have their limitations, and all of a sudden your hole is back to empty again. That’s why it is sooooo crucial that you fill your own holes. That way, when your partner messes up and lets you down, it’s not so shocking to your system because you have a solid self esteem and connection to yourself…they are not “completing” you….you are completing you. Does this make sense as to why it is a dangerous road to want someone to come along and “rescue” you? So how can you rescue yourself? What specifically are you wanting a man to do for you, that you are not doing for yourself?
As far as your thanksgiving guest, I totally get it. It doesn’t feel quite appropriate or comfortable. You will do whatever feels comfortable for you.
You really kick butt with the flirting! You absolutely have a beautiful way with words! There is NOTHING to fix btw with that one flirty comment. Just leave it as is! No biggie. I just pointed it out as something for you to think about. You may not feel or even agree with what I said and that’s okay too! You decide what works best for you. Bottom line is, the guy that is worth holding onto, is the guy who accepts you just as you are…mistakes and messiness and all! One of my very favorite movies that portrays that is “Bridget Jone’s Diary” The first one. Have you seen that???
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I really love your openness and your desire to want to do things in a way that is helpful and effective. I see how uncomfortable some of this is for you, but that you are doing it anyways and I really want you to acknowledge that for yourself. You are growing and doing things differently and that is a scary path sometimes so kudos to you!!! Make sure you give yourself some super gold stars!
I really want to guide you into trusting yourself. I know you have a specific intention about how you want the trip to feel and how you want it to go. How about letting go of the idea of what “should or should not” happen and just let things be how they are. I know you want it to be fun and light, but if it starts to get deep and serious, let it go there! If you feel inspired to say certain things about what you have learned about yourself, then say it! Use your intuition and let it guide you through the process. When you are able to really just be present with the moment and you listen to your intuition, opportunities usually show up that wouldn’t have otherwise. Instead of having plans on complimenting him, let those compliments show up for you in the moment and when you feel inspired, you say something. It will have a more authentic energy and feeling to it.
How does all of this feel for you? Will you remind me when he is coming to visit??
Heidi
Hi Karen.
The holidays are so stressful aren’t they??? I know so many people who struggle with their families.
The issue with your husband is it sounds like he just doesn’t have enough self esteem to interact with your family. He feels “less than” when he is around them. I know this is not your truth, but it’s HIS truth and it’s VERY real for him. Why not honor that he doesn’t feel good around your family and let it just be that. You cannot give him self esteem. He has to earn that himself. So how about designing the holidays where he doesn’t join you when you go hang out with your family. No one has fun, correct? He sure doesn’t have fun, so you won’t have fun and your family won’t have fun….so why not just let him stay home and then everyone can feel peaceful and get to be themselves, instead of having to walk on eggshells? Is this possible?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thank you for sharing a lot more about your personal story and how you have had to live your life. Some of your challenges are starting to make more sense now.
The only thing I would suggest to pay attention to, is talking about the negativity you feel about your life. When you start out a sentence with “Far more often I receive cutting, critical, negative comments….” it can invite judgment and a certain perception that may not be positive. I really want to encourage you to look at your perception about your life and your self talk. How you view yourself deep down, will attract a lot of the same energy. So let me ask you this….what was your need to say that statement? What were you hoping to really accomplish by saying how you are criticized more often? Also, finishing the sentence with him being a safe harbor in a stormy see, is immediately putting him the position of being a “rescuer.” You know nothing about this guy and already you are giving away some of your power by letting him know he is rescuing you from a “stormy sea.” Do you believe you need to be rescued?? A man will NOT want to be rescuing a woman he hasn’t even met yet and only had 1 message exchange, but a man who is searching for “prey” will eat that right up and play into that role of being the rescuer and pull you right in. I imagine that is not the impression you want to give, correct? I know you were trying to be romantic and poetic and activate his “hero” instinct. If you knew the guy better and you had some time and experience with him, that statement would be awesome actually!!! Instead, saying something like, “Thank you so much for your compliments! You put a huge smile on my face!” And just leave it at that…
I know you believe you are really awkward at all of this, but I gotta tell ya Rhonda, you are quite skillful at turning on the flirtiness if you want to!!! I’m impressed! You actually don’t need to learn anything about how to flirt. I think it’s more about making sure your flirting is aligning with what you want to communicate and express.
I understand about the holidays! I have spent many alone as well and it was difficult for sure, but then I decided to turn those times into something spectacular regardless. On the years I spend it alone, I now always make sure to volunteer somewhere and connect with many other people in ways to serve my community. It’s pretty spectacular actually! So, if you want to invite him with you, make sure you are doing it from the mindset of just wanting to invite a friend and not feeling sorry for him. He doesn’t need your empathy. He needs you to see his strength and his resilience! He needs you to see him as a person who has been through a lot but is still standing tall and doing what he has to do to live his life. If you invite him because you feel sorry for him, then that changes the energy of the whole thing. So if you feel it would be fun to hang with him, then invite him!
I know I’ve said a lot, so I’ll stop here! I always look forward to your responses. You are doing such a great job as you are trying to figure all of this out. There is nothing easy about what you are doing! You are quite persistent and committed and that is essential to growth. It’s such a pleasure to work with you!
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I’m proud of you for giving him space. It’s a good time to gather some info. about the who he is. It’s been about a week now, so let’s see how long it takes for him to initiate again. You are allowing him to determine the speed, which is so important for him to feel and important for you to learn about him and decide if it works for you or not.
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I have had a handful of longer term boyfriends that I loved. But then there was Victor. He was my boyfriend from 10 years ago and he was the very first person (I was in my 30s btw) where the breakup (although it was super healthy and a good thing to do) went to a level I had never experienced before. I couldn’t eat for 2 weeks, I couldn’t stop crying and ever 2 years post breakup, I was still occasionally looking at his Facebook profile to see what new girl he was dating and I would get hurt all over again. I understand how you feel. I know how hard it is. There are just certain people we run across in our lives, that are somehow able to get to a place in our hearts more effortlessly. There are a lot of theories out there as to why this happens and what is actually happening. Even if you did understand, it doesn’t change the hurt or how hard it is to separate. The gift in something this difficult, is it gives you a very big opportunity to choose self love. If you can you choose to love yourself more than him, when it’s this difficult, then you are making a BIG imprint in your psyche that you are important, valuable and that you will choose yourself no matter what. That means something!!!! That is a very powerful choice you are making.
SO instead of looking at it as a loss, look at it as: “I’m just making a different choice. Before I chose him. Now I choose me. I choose to love myself no matter what. I choose to invite people into my life that only treat me with respect, who will fight for me, who will see my value and care for me in a way supports my life.” You have to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sumithra,
Have you guys REALLY talked about your relationship? I am wondering how much you truly understand how he feels about being in relationship with you. You say that you used to be intense…what does that mean? How do you know you have changed? Has he actually experienced you with this new change you feel you have made? Do you know what his perspective is about your relationship now? Before you guys broke up, did you like your relationship and how you guys functioned together?
It seems like there might be A LOT of feelings you both have that maybe haven’t been talked through in a calm, helpful, authentic way. It seems like you are guessing how he feels. It’s really hard to know how to get back together unless you thoroughly understand what the challenges were for him and he understands what the challenges were for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Karen,
I deeply understand your need and desire to want to help him so your marriage and connection with him could be better.
I wish I had different advice for you that would be more comfortable and easy, but the thing that I will tell you, along with all the experts in this field of study of romance, is that you cannot change anyone. Your mindset is: “If he would change, then everything would better….then we could be happy…then I will be happy….then our marriage will be healthier.” This mindset is what is keeping you stuck, not your husband. It’s no different than thinking, “If I lost weight, I’d be happier. If I had more money, I would be happier, etc.” It’s the mindset of looking outside of yourself to help you feel happy, that limits you. Happiness, peace, joy…all those things need to come from your internal world and your relationship with your self. You are wanting your husband to change so YOU can be happy. Essentially, you are holding him responsible for your happiness and that is not his job. He can’t even make himself happy and now you want him to make you happy??? You are asking more from him than what he is capable of. You are constantly reminding him of everything he is not doing…you want him to deal with the anger he carries, yet you are basically modeling after his mother. How can he heal in an environment where his wife is just continuing the same pattern his mother started of telling him he not good enough?
If you want to stay with your husband, you have 2 choices. You can keep going down the road you are and keep trying to get him to change (which you know doesn’t work) OR you can focus all that attention and energy you have on him and turn it towards yourself. You are wanting him to face his anger and his low self esteem, so why not face it in yourself instead? Why not dig deep and really look at what is going on inside of you that you are choosing this kind of situation. What low self esteem lives within you, that you would stay connected to a man who is very emotionally limited and only causes you to feel rejected? What judgements are you carrying about yourself that you push onto him?
The journey for happiness is inside of YOU Karen, not in your husband changing. That might mean you decide to leave. That might mean you decide to stay and really embrace your choice and give him the much needed unconditional love he has never felt before. Who knows….but is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I understand your need and desire to know what’s going on in his mind. I still would like to encourage you to wait to ask him out. Still let him take the lead on this. I know you want to define things and understand what is happening. How about gathering more information first before heading into that topic. That topic is risky if you guys are still building. Continue to be patient, allow for time and space to happen without forcing anything. By you asking those questions, you are forcing him into a mindset he might not be ready for and it could really backfire. If you just sit back and just watch, pay attention to how you are feeling, work on your insecurities and give this more time before confronting this topic. Here is a really wonderful video I just came across that will give you some good food for thought!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m soooo sorry to hear this! I know your heart must have sank when you read that text of him canceling. He didn’t handle it very well and I can see why you didn’t feel very important to him.
This is good information for you to know. You have reached your end, so I suggest to make that very clear that you would like to end the relationship. Leave a voicemail or talk on the phone if you can. DO NOT text. If you leave a voicemail, you can say something like, “WE gave it shot and it’s just not working for me anymore and I accept that. It’s obvious we are on different pages of how we want to experience each other, so I’m finally in a place of truly understanding that and letting it be. I wish you the best.”
THoughts? Feel free to vent here! It’s a good place to just lay it all out on the table in a safe way. We will support you!!!!
Heidi
Hi Karen!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us.
There are a couple things I want to encourage you to really think about and some of it, you may not really like to hear. First, I want to encourage you to accept him for who he is. He already has soooo much low self esteem. So every time you point out to him how he needs to face his past, he needs to look at his issues, you are telling him he is not enough. He needs to fix himself. Truth is, he doesn’t need to do anything. If he wants to hold onto his fantasy of his parents, he absolutely gets to do something like that. He is quite fragile, so that fantasy may be the one thing that is actually holding him together enough to be able to function in his life. You see it as a hinderance, but for him, it’s his lifeline / his survival. He deserves to live his life the way he chooses.
The truth is, you want him to change so you can be happy. You want him to be something he isn’t. You want to “fix” him, but the only way it’s going to be “fixed” is if you accept that this is your choice to participate with a man who isn’t willing to dive deep into his life and face the truth. So your choice is to either truly embrace that this is your choice and you are going to keep choosing this, or make a different choice.
If you keep pestering him about what he needs to do differently, all you are going to do is wear down whatever self esteem he has left. Every single time you want more from him, than what he is able to offer you, he is going to hear the same message he hear from his mom….he isn’t good enough. It doesn’t matter whether or not that’s what you are saying, he is going to receive it with that strong program that runs his psyche. If you really want to help him, accept him for who he is and let him live the way he wants to live. If you want to stay in this situation and help things get better, let go of your what you want him to be and then begin to encourage his very best self. What kinds of things do you tell him that he is doing well? Do you ever compliment him? Do you ever re-enforce why you love him?
Thoughts?
Heidi
