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Hi Sumithra,
Have you guys REALLY talked about your relationship? I am wondering how much you truly understand how he feels about being in relationship with you. You say that you used to be intense…what does that mean? How do you know you have changed? Has he actually experienced you with this new change you feel you have made? Do you know what his perspective is about your relationship now? Before you guys broke up, did you like your relationship and how you guys functioned together?
It seems like there might be A LOT of feelings you both have that maybe haven’t been talked through in a calm, helpful, authentic way. It seems like you are guessing how he feels. It’s really hard to know how to get back together unless you thoroughly understand what the challenges were for him and he understands what the challenges were for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Karen,
I deeply understand your need and desire to want to help him so your marriage and connection with him could be better.
I wish I had different advice for you that would be more comfortable and easy, but the thing that I will tell you, along with all the experts in this field of study of romance, is that you cannot change anyone. Your mindset is: “If he would change, then everything would better….then we could be happy…then I will be happy….then our marriage will be healthier.” This mindset is what is keeping you stuck, not your husband. It’s no different than thinking, “If I lost weight, I’d be happier. If I had more money, I would be happier, etc.” It’s the mindset of looking outside of yourself to help you feel happy, that limits you. Happiness, peace, joy…all those things need to come from your internal world and your relationship with your self. You are wanting your husband to change so YOU can be happy. Essentially, you are holding him responsible for your happiness and that is not his job. He can’t even make himself happy and now you want him to make you happy??? You are asking more from him than what he is capable of. You are constantly reminding him of everything he is not doing…you want him to deal with the anger he carries, yet you are basically modeling after his mother. How can he heal in an environment where his wife is just continuing the same pattern his mother started of telling him he not good enough?
If you want to stay with your husband, you have 2 choices. You can keep going down the road you are and keep trying to get him to change (which you know doesn’t work) OR you can focus all that attention and energy you have on him and turn it towards yourself. You are wanting him to face his anger and his low self esteem, so why not face it in yourself instead? Why not dig deep and really look at what is going on inside of you that you are choosing this kind of situation. What low self esteem lives within you, that you would stay connected to a man who is very emotionally limited and only causes you to feel rejected? What judgements are you carrying about yourself that you push onto him?
The journey for happiness is inside of YOU Karen, not in your husband changing. That might mean you decide to leave. That might mean you decide to stay and really embrace your choice and give him the much needed unconditional love he has never felt before. Who knows….but is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I understand your need and desire to know what’s going on in his mind. I still would like to encourage you to wait to ask him out. Still let him take the lead on this. I know you want to define things and understand what is happening. How about gathering more information first before heading into that topic. That topic is risky if you guys are still building. Continue to be patient, allow for time and space to happen without forcing anything. By you asking those questions, you are forcing him into a mindset he might not be ready for and it could really backfire. If you just sit back and just watch, pay attention to how you are feeling, work on your insecurities and give this more time before confronting this topic. Here is a really wonderful video I just came across that will give you some good food for thought!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m soooo sorry to hear this! I know your heart must have sank when you read that text of him canceling. He didn’t handle it very well and I can see why you didn’t feel very important to him.
This is good information for you to know. You have reached your end, so I suggest to make that very clear that you would like to end the relationship. Leave a voicemail or talk on the phone if you can. DO NOT text. If you leave a voicemail, you can say something like, “WE gave it shot and it’s just not working for me anymore and I accept that. It’s obvious we are on different pages of how we want to experience each other, so I’m finally in a place of truly understanding that and letting it be. I wish you the best.”
THoughts? Feel free to vent here! It’s a good place to just lay it all out on the table in a safe way. We will support you!!!!
Heidi
Hi Karen!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us.
There are a couple things I want to encourage you to really think about and some of it, you may not really like to hear. First, I want to encourage you to accept him for who he is. He already has soooo much low self esteem. So every time you point out to him how he needs to face his past, he needs to look at his issues, you are telling him he is not enough. He needs to fix himself. Truth is, he doesn’t need to do anything. If he wants to hold onto his fantasy of his parents, he absolutely gets to do something like that. He is quite fragile, so that fantasy may be the one thing that is actually holding him together enough to be able to function in his life. You see it as a hinderance, but for him, it’s his lifeline / his survival. He deserves to live his life the way he chooses.
The truth is, you want him to change so you can be happy. You want him to be something he isn’t. You want to “fix” him, but the only way it’s going to be “fixed” is if you accept that this is your choice to participate with a man who isn’t willing to dive deep into his life and face the truth. So your choice is to either truly embrace that this is your choice and you are going to keep choosing this, or make a different choice.
If you keep pestering him about what he needs to do differently, all you are going to do is wear down whatever self esteem he has left. Every single time you want more from him, than what he is able to offer you, he is going to hear the same message he hear from his mom….he isn’t good enough. It doesn’t matter whether or not that’s what you are saying, he is going to receive it with that strong program that runs his psyche. If you really want to help him, accept him for who he is and let him live the way he wants to live. If you want to stay in this situation and help things get better, let go of your what you want him to be and then begin to encourage his very best self. What kinds of things do you tell him that he is doing well? Do you ever compliment him? Do you ever re-enforce why you love him?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
I love your description about the kinds of experiences you want to have with your person. It sounds like a wonderful relationship! I think the biggest limitation with your current guy are his inability to really work with how you are feeling. What are your thoughts on this? Do you feel this is something you can accept and work with??
Heidi
Hi Kim,
It sounds like you are in a place of acceptance of your choice to suffer for right now. Well done! That is the place to start. I know you feel he is worth it, but don’t forget yourself in that equation as well. In your choice to suffer, you are making him more valuable, more important than yourself. And that’s okay. We all go through those kinds of choices in our lives and it’s all part of growing and learning how to love ourselves enough to say no to rejection, despite the connection / feelings. I have no doubt you are exactly where you need to be and that you will get exactly where it’s most important for you! So as you are making this choice, what kinds of things can you do for yourself that are loving and compassionate and nurturing???
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
You actually said it so perfectly about being friends! Keep it simple: “I will be honest and say I still have feelings for you. I don’t want to just be friends, but at the same time, I can see how it’s a good thing right now. My focus is to just go with the flow and just trust what shows up in my life. I have no interest in controlling you and I. My interest is to honor whatever space we are each in and take it one day at a time. Is that okay for you?”
As far as giving him the letter….I honestly think it would be such a great thing for you to say IN PERSON. All you are doing is just sharing with your “friend” about how you have learned about yourself and apologizing for being messy. That’s it! Saying that in person is really powerful, takes strength and it can open the door to further conversation. If you really want to be with the guy, you need to be able to say things like this in person anyways and you need to be able to see how he responds. Is this something you are not willing to do???
Heidi
Hi Junie,
Let’s look a little further in your tendency to overthink. I understand that Al’s lack of responses can trigger your experiences with your ex. Let’s look deeper than though. Whenever we are overthinking, it’s our brain / ego wanting to get control of the situation. So because there is a sense of being in “limbo” with Al, you are spending TONS of energy trying to figure out how to create a more solid, consistent experience so you don’t have to wonder how he feels about you anymore. So you are trying to say and do all the “right” things, in effort of trying to get him more connected to you and into a commitment. Does this resonate for you???
How about trying something different. Instead of focusing on the “right” things to say or do, you just be yourself. Complimenting him every single time he reaches out can get really uninteresting. Compliments are meant to be sporadic or they can lose their power. So instead of focusing so much on HIM and trying to get him to connect to you stronger, how about you face that fear of yours. You are afraid of losing him, yes? You are afraid of him losing interest in you? If you face your fear and your need to control the situation, then you will be so much more at peace and your mind can relax. He will feel it as well. As much as you think you are “playing it cool” you might be surprised how he may still be picking up the energy and sensing it. So instead of needing him to make you feel better by texting more or committing, work on yourself and your insecurities first and then go from there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
How do you feel about what Rebecca shared from her own personal experiences? Are you willing to let this guy go? Or if not, are you willing to have no contact for at least a week and see how you feel at the end of it?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m so glad to hear you are finally getting to meet with him and can discuss what needs to happen next. Do you know what you want to say and how you want to say it?? It’s important to be clear.
You are doing a great job taking care of yourself!!! There is always going to be a certain amount of anxiety when faced with an ending. You just keep doing what you are doing. Remind your child, fearful self that you got her! She is safe in your arms and that will be with her and get through this together. It’s all okay! Endings mean opportunities for new beginnings. No matter what happens in that conversation, you are strong enough, resilient enough, resourceful enough to be okay no matter what happens.
You DO deserve the full package!!! You do deserve to have the rich, nourishing, deep emotional intimacy and by choosing to take care of yourself instead of stay connected to a man that is creating starvation…you are choosing that rich intimacy with yourself, no matter how hard it is. Well done!!!!
If you want to practice here, what you want to say and would like some help getting clear, we are here for you!!!
HeidiHi Rebecca,
I’m so glad to hear you are finally getting to meet with him and can discuss what needs to happen next. Do you know what you want to say and how you want to say it?? It’s important to be clear.
You are doing a great job taking care of yourself!!! There is always going to be a certain amount of anxiety when faced with an ending. You just keep doing what you are doing. Remind your child, fearful self that you got her! She is safe in your arms and that will be with her and get through this together. It’s all okay! Endings mean opportunities for new beginnings. No matter what happens in that conversation, you are strong enough, resilient enough, resourceful enough to be okay no matter what happens.
You DO deserve the full package!!! You do deserve to have the rich, nourishing, deep emotional intimacy and by choosing to take care of yourself instead of stay connected to a man that is creating starvation…you are choosing that rich intimacy with yourself, no matter how hard it is. Well done!!!!
If you want to practice here, what you want to say and would like some help getting clear, we are here for you!!!
HeidiHi Rhonda!
I’m glad to know that you love feeling feminine and you used to be more comfortable flirting! That means it’s in you and can be accessed again! You are not starting from scratch! Whatever you have been through these past 2 decades is over. Now you get to start fresh.
Here is a strange question I am going to ask you. How do you know you are a woman? Aside from your physical body, how would you know you are a female? It was about a decade ago I asked myself the same thing. I was living in Tennessee for a handful of months and I was getting ZERO attention. Men didn’t even look at me…which was a strange experience for me. I was used to attention. Then I realized…how do I know I am a woman, if a man isn’t responding to me and letting me know I am a female? It was a VERY hard question, because I realized how much I had wrapped my “female identity” around the attention men had given me. Being that I was getting zero attention, I figured it was the time for me to really re-shape what it means to be a woman WITHOUT sexual attention from a man. If I wasn’t flirting, if I wasn’t getting all dressed up to look good, if I wasn’t getting asked out on dates….then how do I feel my feminine self.
So I’m asking you that question now…does it make sense? Take away your physical body, being a mother and the men….how do you know you are a woman?
As far as asking that guy 10 questions, that is a bit much. You just want to ask 1 question. That’s it. Give him space to respond and space to ask you a question in return. You are dominating and controlling conversations so you can hide. You are hiding for a reason. Do you know what that is???
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
You are asking such great questions!!! I love it!
First, I know you want to establish honesty and authenticity in your relationship with him. Therefore, pretending that he is dating another girl doesn’t bother you, is not authentic to how you feel. If he brings it up, you can say something to the effect, “Listen…would you mind just honoring me and my feelings and not talking about her? I do admit that I struggle with it and I’m okay with that. It just means that I care about you. But it’s also important for me to accept your choices…so I do honor that you want to be with her for right now. So as I honor your choice, please honor my feelings and let’s not talk about her. Is that okay with you?”
As far as talking to him about what you have learned about yourself, I think it’s great to again, just be honest. Keep in the mindset that you are teaching him about you and what you have learned and that’s it….no agenda other than sharing. SO you can say something like, “I had some really big epiphanies about myself. I realized that the closer I let you into my heart, the more the fear increased and I acted out in all kinds of really ways…because I was afraid. No one has ever gotten as close to my heart as you have, so it was new territory for me. Forgive me for my messiness. I have learned and that’s so important for me. NOw that I know, I can be better.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
