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So you love him because of who he used to be. You love him because you created a dream and a future in your mind with him. I get it.
It sounds like that love is there because of the past and not the present. It’s so hard to have everything work really well together and then not. Knowing what COULD be is many times what keeps a people in relationships long past their expiration date.
It’s really important for you to accept him for who he is TODAY. Have you directly expressed how you are feeling in this relationship?? What did he say that made you think he doesn’t see you in his future?
Heidi
Hi Karen,
The hero instinct is more about finding ways to activate their innate ability to want to rescue. So you ask them for help with things or you ask them for advice. Here are some examples: Hey…I am having trouble working through this problem at work and I know you are incredibly good with problem solving something like this. Would you mind spending some time with me and helping me with it? Or My car is having trouble and you are sooo good with cars. Would you mind taking a look? I will make your favorite dinner and give you a foot rub! So what kinds of things could you ask him for advice or help about? What kinds of things is he good at? Does he have any hobbies? Does he read? If yes, what does he typically read about? You figure out whatever they are interested in and good at, then you find a way to ask for help in those categories. Does that make more sense?
The 12 word phrase is just the way you set up asking for the help. It’s just a text say something like, “Hey…I’m having some trouble with something and would love your help.” and you leave it at that and wait for a response.
As far as your husband showing interest in you and how he responds, I would suggest making sure you are talking about your life during a time that he is actually engaged with you. Timing is a BIG thing to pay attention. Maybe you can start a conversation with him about himself, get him engaged with you and then share your life. I’m not sure when you talk to him about your life that you get those kinds of answers. If he is distracted and thinking about something else, then you may see a difference if you try this approach. If this approach doesn’t work, then I’m sorry to tell you that he is who he is. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
There may be so much damage in the relationship that he has just disengaged himself. Maybe spend a good month complimenting him and letting him know you appreciate him and start filling him up with all the positive things instead of the negative and you might see him re-engage a little bit. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi JS,
Wow! Brilliant job!!! You are doing some amazing work with yourself and really realizing the reality of your situation! Cutting cords is a VERY important part of the process. Keep doing it! Sometimes it takes a few times to cut them, because you might re-attach them without realizing it.
You really have connected to your truth about how you felt in the relationship. So what is it that you think could pull you back into the relationship? You said “hopefully” you will be strong enough to say no to him when he contacts you again. Why hopefully?
If you still feel like you could give in when he contacts you, it’s important to protect yourself. You don’t have to talk to him. You don’t have to let him in again. You can simply say, “I’m not interested in this cycle of getting back together and breaking up again. I’m really done this time. Please don’t contact me anymore.” If he keeps contacting you anyways, just keep ignoring him and don’t respond. If you have trouble not responding, then block his number. It is soooo crucial to protect your very sacred and precious heart. He is not someone who cares for it in the way you deserve or need. Your need to connect could become stronger than protecting yourself, so have a plan in place where you have help, you place strong boundaries with yourself and stay connected to what you REALLY want.
Does this make sense?? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Wow. So it’s official. I am really sorry you have to go through this. Breakups are just sooooo difficult! You really did the very best you knew how to make this work. From the sounds of it, he just isn’t really capable of sustaining intimacy and that’s not your fault.
It sucks even more that he was emotionless. The truth is, he is emotionless and shut down BECAUSE he feels so hurt. Shutting down the emotions is a coping mechanism. People who shut down like that have done that for a long time. He most likely started behaving like that as a child. It just means he carries a TON of fear, guilt, shame and hurt. Anybody who is in relationship with him, is also in relationship with all of those things he carries with him. He doesn’t have control over his responses though. By now, it’s so automatic, it just happens. I used to be like him, so I know that coping mechanism super well. The only way I was able to change it was by digging through my memories and past and releasing the hurt that I was carrying. It took years and a TON of work. I know your heart hurt now and this is a hard ending. I guarantee your heart would have hurt even more had this relationship continued. You are being rescued from spending more of your time and heart energy with a guy who isn’t capable of an intimate, sustainable relationship.
So your plan now is to recover and regenerate. Now, it’s so important for you to really take care of yourself and be gentle. What kinds of things can you do to support yourself right now?
Also, whenever there is a breakup, there are certain stories, thoughts, phrases that end up looping over and over and over in our minds. Let’s identify those for you and work with them. It’s important to target them, so you can heal faster.
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It doesn’t sound like there is much going on in the relationship. It doesn’t sound like the conversations are nourishing for you. It doesn’t sound like he has much interest in you as a person and it doesn’t sound like you guys are having any fun. It seems like you both are living more parallel lives with the exception of a few moments at the end of the day. You said from your talk, that it feels like he doesn’t really see you in his future.
So let me ask you this…why do you love him? What is it about him that makes you want still keep fighting for this guy and this relationship?
Heidi
Hi JS,
I know your heartache soooo well. It’s like the life has been taken from you. It’s hard to eat, it’s incredibly hard to function and you feel so lost! It’s awful and I wish there were a way around it. Truth is, it’s important for you to go through this. You loved him and you cared about him and that is what all the tears are for. Let it come out. Feel everything you need to feel AND know that you are going to be okay. This is just a season where you are going to hurt and feel the loss of love and dream you created around that love. You honor that dream with your tears and heartache. You are strong enough to feel all of it. You are strong enough to handle the loss, you are strong enough to have the hurt and let it just come out in your tears, you are strong enough to let go. He is not someone who is healthy for you JS. I know you love him though. It’s time to turn all of that love towards yourself and be kind and compassionate and gentle with yourself as you are in the recovery process. It’s time to close your beautiful, wonderful heart to him, as he did not treat it well. He did not honor your heart, he did not respect your heart, he did not see your heart as a wonderful gift to get to hold and take care of. You need to treat your heart that way right now. What kinds of things are you doing to help yourself right now?? You can buy some flowers and put them around your space, you can go visit a pet store and hold a little kitty or a puppy up for adoption, you can take some baths, get a massage, you can journal your heart out. Actually, one of the hardest breakups I’ve been through, I had a digital recorder in my car and I talked into recorder ALL THE TIME! I pretended that recorder was my ex and I said everything I ever wanted to say to his face. Sometimes I was angry and sometimes I was tearful and missed him. That helped a TON to get to just say it out loud, unfiltered and feel whatever I needed to feel in the moment. It helped shift my energy in a big way! I am so sorry you have to go through this kind of pain, especially on top of what you are already dealing with in your body. Keep talking to us and use this as a place to vent and just say whatever you need to say….we are here for you!
Here is a video that can help you understand some of what you are going through.
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
This is a tough situation you are in. It’s so hard to standby and watch someone be stressed and unhappy in their life and not take responsibility for it.
I have a handful of questions. Do you know why he is stressed? Tell us more about his moods. What is he like? What kinds of things do you do when you are trying to support him? It doesn’t sound like he is very available to even have a normal conversation. Does he talk to you at all? Or does he just go about his life and not really involve you in it?
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Fatima,
Welcome! We are glad you are hear.
I am really happy to hear you have decided to exit a marriage that was not good for you. I just have a few questions:
1. What is your current status? Have you officially moved out and filed for divorce? I’m not sure where you live…your culture might handle the process of divorce differently than here in the U.S.
2. How did you meet this guy? I cannot tell if you have had many interactions with him or just one and then gave him your phone number.
3. What was the situation in which you gave him your number? I mean, were you guys flirting with each other and you gave it to him? Did he as for it? Or were you talking business or something and you gave him your number that way?Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You have 2 strong parts of you. You have a part that knows your worth, your value, the truth about who you are and the truth about your parents….this is the adult part who is able to understand and process everything that happened in your life. The other part of you, the little girl, the child, is the one carrying the hurt, the anger, the resentment. She is pretty strong! That is who leaks out when you say something negative about your life or who you are. She is who carries your low self esteem. She is the one who keeps you in a job with a boss who is similar to mom. As much as it’s horrible, she is used to it and is more familiar with criticism than being treated nicely. Being treated nicely would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable for her and she wouldn’t trust it and would sabotage it all over the place. The adult part of you definitely wants and craves to be treated nicely, with respect and have a healthy relationship. You have 2 strong parts of you that end up switching places in the driver’s seat, depending on the situation. We ALL have this challenge. The goal is to make the little girl much less powerful and taking her energy and thoughts of low self esteem and turn them into high self esteem and then that energy gets transferred to the adult…which makes the adult stronger each time. That’s what is called integration. You are split, so the more you integrate little girl energy into adult energy, the more healthy and balanced and “present” you will be become.
You had a very tough life Rhonda and you are still carrying that around. You have a job that is replicating what you grew up with, therefore there really is no healing for you since you are still being emotionally abused. It’s affecting how you communicate and act with men. Have you ever done EMDR? Or Brainspotting? I can’t remember if we’ve talked about this before. I remember you said you had a therapist before, but can’t remember what type of therapy you did. I too had a very tough upbringing and EMDR was my way out and one of the best and fastest methods I found to help me integrate my VERY powerful little girl energy that was destroying everything I wanted / needed in my adult life. It’s a battle and I am so sorry to hear how you were emotionally abused by your parents and the other kids. There was no place for you to escape to. All kinds of lies were imprinted and programmed into your mind and those programs are still running strong in your psyche. From what you are saying though, you have come a long way and I want to keep to encouraging you. Honestly, with how you talk and how much you just charge out there and be social and put yourself in all kinds of activities…you are spectacular!!! You are fighting for joy and pleasure and happiness in your life which means you have quite the resilient spirit. I have a lot of respect for you. Well done!
Where is your date with Brad on Sunday?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I LOVE all of your thoughts and observations about what you are not wanting to face inside of yourself. All of your fears make COMPLETE sense! So how are you going to go about it? What’s your plan? You have been avoiding looking at those fears, so how are you going to face them now?
As far as giving him a free “pass” for all of the cancelations, there is something that is important for you to understand. He gets to do that! You are not his mother who is in the role of holding her child accountable for his actions. You aren’t his girlfriend. He is already in another relationship. So the reality is, you don’t have the type of relationship with him to be confronting him about his behaviors. He has canceled plenty of times now, that it’s a strong pattern, even if he has really good and valid excuses. He is confused and non-committal and he is in another relationship, which means he is not really available to be the kind of person you want him to be for you right now. The only way to fix how you feel about him canceling so much, is to accept that this is who he is. He very well may cancel the drinks. He has a girlfriend and I can’t imagine that would make her feel comfortable that he is meeting up with you….unless he is lying about it. So if you want this to change, it’s gotta come from you…you need to expect that he may cancel last minute. It is YOUR choice to participate in a relationship with him like this, which means it’s about you accepting him for everything he is, even his lack of follow through. That would be something you would confront if you were together and in a committed relationship, but that is not the case here. So I still suggest you keeping your distance and allow him to be the one to initiate. Expect that he most likely will cancel drinks the night before and you will see him on moving day. All of this is information you need to know about him anyways. You have to really consider if you want to invite him back into your life, on a deeper level, considering who he REALLY is, not what you wish he was. Thoughts?
Just a few questions about your fears. Where is your fear coming from that he would be your last chance at love?
As far as you making the same mistakes again, of course you are!!! If it’s not those specific mistakes, it will be other ones! You are ALWAYS going to make mistakes, just like all of us. The goal here is to be able to forgive and love yourself despite your messiness. That is what unconditional love is.
And if you lose your future you planned with him, what does that mean? I imagine you believe you won’t get to have a future like that, because he was your last chance?? Am I understanding that correctly?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I agree with Kanya. In each message you have shared with us, you mention something with a negative flavor. In the other message, you mentioned how people are mostly critical towards you, so his compliments were refreshing. You mentioned how you needed to be rescued. So there seems to be a pattern where you are adding negativity in some form or fashion in your messages, even if it’s in a flirty way. I agree with Kanya. Keep all negativity out of your messages. And I would invite you to look into that a little deeper and connect into what is happening inside that makes you feel the need to say things of that nature.
I would also suggest a different type of flirting. You are extremely poetic when you flirt. It’s really beautiful actually!!! Most men don’t respond to that kind of flirty very well, at least in the beginning. Most men are NOT poetic in their flirting, so 2 things could be happening in their minds. 1) It could activate some insecurity because you are so poetic and they aren’t, that they end up not wanting to flirt with you because there is not way they can keep up with you 2) you are so poetic about it, that they think you are a super dreamy, want to be swept off your feet, looing for your knight in shining armor, addicted to romance movies / novels kinda gal and not really grounded in reality.
When you flirt and offer a compliment, you want it to match what you know about the person. To tell a guy you have never met, that he has a smile that could melt the deepest snow drift, light up the darkest night and charm any woman and there’s a kindness in his eyes that sets him apart from other men…it’s coming on REALLY strong. It’s a compliment that isn’t really based in reality, with the way you say it…hence it might make him feel he is dealing with a woman who already has her wedding planned and dress picked out. Your poetic type of compliments need to be earned by a guy, not handed out freely just to catch his attention. He needs to feel like he has earned those compliments. Your kind of compliments are more for someone you are in relationship with. They are heartfelt and beautiful compliments that deserve the ears of someone you KNOW will appreciate them.
So in the beginning, you want to stay simple with your compliments. Here is a different way to say what you said: I like to sometimes just lead with a question like, “What do you get complimented on the most physically?” Once they answer I can say, “Well…it’s a toss up between your eyes and your smile for me. I’d have a hard time choosing.” Or you can say, “You have a great smile by the way! I hope you get to use it a lot”
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
I can see why you are frustrated. It’s really hard when someone doesn’t understand or validate our own experience when they don’t see it that way.
I am wondering what is keeping you connected to him. You don’t like his behaviors. You don’t feel it’s acceptable or normal for him not to respond to your feelings for a few days. You don’t like that you are the one to always resolve things. You don’t like how he communicates things sometimes and you constantly feel left out and not important in his life. It seems like something inside of you keeps wanting things to change….wanting him to be different and wanting him to change because you are unhappy. Is this how you feel?
I do recommend to keep just giving him space and let him respond whenever he needs to. What I recommend even more than that, is to NOT talk about something you feel is hurtful, over text. ALWAYS talk face to face. Remember that texts can get completely lost. He cannot see or feel your experience. Sooooo many arguments and hurt feelings are caused by texts that were misunderstood or misinterpreted. He really may not be connected to what your experience is. He may not even realize you upset. So again, are you willing to finish the conversation IN PERSON and not try to resolve this over a text message??
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I LOVE your thoughts! Love is soooo risky. There is no way around that. He is right. He COULD get up and away again. Any guy could. You even could! That is just the reality and why love is such a risk. It sounds like you haven’t quite forgiven him fully and completely. You still have a lot of energy focused on the past and his choices and it’s causing you to still keep your walls up. What would it take for you to let go of the past and feel comfortable with him now? What would it take to feel like you can relax with him now and just let your relationship flow however it does?
There are things you can look for in a partner though, that can decrease the odds of that happening. You have to look at how a person handles stress. There are people that run, there are people that stay silent in the torture and stick it out no matter what even if they are unhappy, there are people that face it head on and they take ownership for their part, they dissect it, understand it, despite how uncomfortable it is.
So let’s look at you first. How would you say you handle stress? What are your normal behaviors when it comes to dealing with challenge, whether in life or your relationship?
Heidi
Hi Hillary,
I’m really proud of you! I understand the low self esteem thing. We ALL find ways to cope with low self esteem that can be destructive. I used to use men for my self esteem as well. It’s actually a common way for people to find value…attention is a very powerful band-aid when you don’t feel good about yourself, so know that you were doing the best you could and now you are doing better…which says A LOT about you! You are quite strong and resilient to face yourself this way and to start making changes.
Yes, your decisions may have ruined this relationship and yes, your decisions have gotten you to this place. It’s okay though! That is true for every single person on this earth. The wonderful thing is, when you are able to keep your attention and your energy in the present moment, moving forward, you get to make all kinds of different decisions to turn your life into exactly what you want!!!
If he decides he can’t let go of the resentment and hurt, he gets to do that. That doesn’t mean that at some point down the road, you will meet another guy, with a much stronger self esteem, a guy you decide to be faithful with and there won’t be that looming past hanging out with you. You will, of course, have other challenges in the relationship, as there are always challenges, but there won’t be a history of cheating.
It’s time for you to let go of the blame. You have punished yourself enough. Punishing yourself more will only keep you small, limited and in your low self esteem, which you have been working to fix. It’s okay to forgive yourself and look forward. That takes more strength than you realize! Imagine your life without the blame and guilt? Those emotions keep you small. Maybe you are afraid to become your big beautiful, powerful self. If you let go of the guilt and blame and set yourself free, imagine what you could do with all of that energy????
Heidi
HI JS,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here.
I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. Facing this surgery is soooo scary!!! And then to add on top of that, your guy walking away, is heartbreaking.
My guess is, being that he was raised military, he doesn’t have much access to his emotions. He might have been raised to be “tough” and he may not have ever been allowed to cry. Do you know? In the 2.5 years you have known him, have you ever seen him cry? Would you say he has the spectrum of emotions? Meaning you have seen him from sad, to happy, to super excited, to super hurt?? In the past, how has he responded to you and your hurt? I imagine in the 2.5 years, you guys have had some confrontations and needed to talk things through. How has he handled those times with you?
I wish doing the hero instinct were enough to keep a relationship together. There is so much more that goes into it. He is obviously super scared, just like you are, but instead of facing his fear, he is running the other way. The thought of losing you to “death” might be too intense for him to handle. He most likely isn’t even conscious of that. All he knows is that he is super uncomfortable, so instead of staying in that uncomfortableness, he is choosing to run. That is on HIM, not you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
