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Hi Lauren,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
This is a tough situation you are in. It’s so hard to standby and watch someone be stressed and unhappy in their life and not take responsibility for it.
I have a handful of questions. Do you know why he is stressed? Tell us more about his moods. What is he like? What kinds of things do you do when you are trying to support him? It doesn’t sound like he is very available to even have a normal conversation. Does he talk to you at all? Or does he just go about his life and not really involve you in it?
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Fatima,
Welcome! We are glad you are hear.
I am really happy to hear you have decided to exit a marriage that was not good for you. I just have a few questions:
1. What is your current status? Have you officially moved out and filed for divorce? I’m not sure where you live…your culture might handle the process of divorce differently than here in the U.S.
2. How did you meet this guy? I cannot tell if you have had many interactions with him or just one and then gave him your phone number.
3. What was the situation in which you gave him your number? I mean, were you guys flirting with each other and you gave it to him? Did he as for it? Or were you talking business or something and you gave him your number that way?Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You have 2 strong parts of you. You have a part that knows your worth, your value, the truth about who you are and the truth about your parents….this is the adult part who is able to understand and process everything that happened in your life. The other part of you, the little girl, the child, is the one carrying the hurt, the anger, the resentment. She is pretty strong! That is who leaks out when you say something negative about your life or who you are. She is who carries your low self esteem. She is the one who keeps you in a job with a boss who is similar to mom. As much as it’s horrible, she is used to it and is more familiar with criticism than being treated nicely. Being treated nicely would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable for her and she wouldn’t trust it and would sabotage it all over the place. The adult part of you definitely wants and craves to be treated nicely, with respect and have a healthy relationship. You have 2 strong parts of you that end up switching places in the driver’s seat, depending on the situation. We ALL have this challenge. The goal is to make the little girl much less powerful and taking her energy and thoughts of low self esteem and turn them into high self esteem and then that energy gets transferred to the adult…which makes the adult stronger each time. That’s what is called integration. You are split, so the more you integrate little girl energy into adult energy, the more healthy and balanced and “present” you will be become.
You had a very tough life Rhonda and you are still carrying that around. You have a job that is replicating what you grew up with, therefore there really is no healing for you since you are still being emotionally abused. It’s affecting how you communicate and act with men. Have you ever done EMDR? Or Brainspotting? I can’t remember if we’ve talked about this before. I remember you said you had a therapist before, but can’t remember what type of therapy you did. I too had a very tough upbringing and EMDR was my way out and one of the best and fastest methods I found to help me integrate my VERY powerful little girl energy that was destroying everything I wanted / needed in my adult life. It’s a battle and I am so sorry to hear how you were emotionally abused by your parents and the other kids. There was no place for you to escape to. All kinds of lies were imprinted and programmed into your mind and those programs are still running strong in your psyche. From what you are saying though, you have come a long way and I want to keep to encouraging you. Honestly, with how you talk and how much you just charge out there and be social and put yourself in all kinds of activities…you are spectacular!!! You are fighting for joy and pleasure and happiness in your life which means you have quite the resilient spirit. I have a lot of respect for you. Well done!
Where is your date with Brad on Sunday?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I LOVE all of your thoughts and observations about what you are not wanting to face inside of yourself. All of your fears make COMPLETE sense! So how are you going to go about it? What’s your plan? You have been avoiding looking at those fears, so how are you going to face them now?
As far as giving him a free “pass” for all of the cancelations, there is something that is important for you to understand. He gets to do that! You are not his mother who is in the role of holding her child accountable for his actions. You aren’t his girlfriend. He is already in another relationship. So the reality is, you don’t have the type of relationship with him to be confronting him about his behaviors. He has canceled plenty of times now, that it’s a strong pattern, even if he has really good and valid excuses. He is confused and non-committal and he is in another relationship, which means he is not really available to be the kind of person you want him to be for you right now. The only way to fix how you feel about him canceling so much, is to accept that this is who he is. He very well may cancel the drinks. He has a girlfriend and I can’t imagine that would make her feel comfortable that he is meeting up with you….unless he is lying about it. So if you want this to change, it’s gotta come from you…you need to expect that he may cancel last minute. It is YOUR choice to participate in a relationship with him like this, which means it’s about you accepting him for everything he is, even his lack of follow through. That would be something you would confront if you were together and in a committed relationship, but that is not the case here. So I still suggest you keeping your distance and allow him to be the one to initiate. Expect that he most likely will cancel drinks the night before and you will see him on moving day. All of this is information you need to know about him anyways. You have to really consider if you want to invite him back into your life, on a deeper level, considering who he REALLY is, not what you wish he was. Thoughts?
Just a few questions about your fears. Where is your fear coming from that he would be your last chance at love?
As far as you making the same mistakes again, of course you are!!! If it’s not those specific mistakes, it will be other ones! You are ALWAYS going to make mistakes, just like all of us. The goal here is to be able to forgive and love yourself despite your messiness. That is what unconditional love is.
And if you lose your future you planned with him, what does that mean? I imagine you believe you won’t get to have a future like that, because he was your last chance?? Am I understanding that correctly?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I agree with Kanya. In each message you have shared with us, you mention something with a negative flavor. In the other message, you mentioned how people are mostly critical towards you, so his compliments were refreshing. You mentioned how you needed to be rescued. So there seems to be a pattern where you are adding negativity in some form or fashion in your messages, even if it’s in a flirty way. I agree with Kanya. Keep all negativity out of your messages. And I would invite you to look into that a little deeper and connect into what is happening inside that makes you feel the need to say things of that nature.
I would also suggest a different type of flirting. You are extremely poetic when you flirt. It’s really beautiful actually!!! Most men don’t respond to that kind of flirty very well, at least in the beginning. Most men are NOT poetic in their flirting, so 2 things could be happening in their minds. 1) It could activate some insecurity because you are so poetic and they aren’t, that they end up not wanting to flirt with you because there is not way they can keep up with you 2) you are so poetic about it, that they think you are a super dreamy, want to be swept off your feet, looing for your knight in shining armor, addicted to romance movies / novels kinda gal and not really grounded in reality.
When you flirt and offer a compliment, you want it to match what you know about the person. To tell a guy you have never met, that he has a smile that could melt the deepest snow drift, light up the darkest night and charm any woman and there’s a kindness in his eyes that sets him apart from other men…it’s coming on REALLY strong. It’s a compliment that isn’t really based in reality, with the way you say it…hence it might make him feel he is dealing with a woman who already has her wedding planned and dress picked out. Your poetic type of compliments need to be earned by a guy, not handed out freely just to catch his attention. He needs to feel like he has earned those compliments. Your kind of compliments are more for someone you are in relationship with. They are heartfelt and beautiful compliments that deserve the ears of someone you KNOW will appreciate them.
So in the beginning, you want to stay simple with your compliments. Here is a different way to say what you said: I like to sometimes just lead with a question like, “What do you get complimented on the most physically?” Once they answer I can say, “Well…it’s a toss up between your eyes and your smile for me. I’d have a hard time choosing.” Or you can say, “You have a great smile by the way! I hope you get to use it a lot”
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
I can see why you are frustrated. It’s really hard when someone doesn’t understand or validate our own experience when they don’t see it that way.
I am wondering what is keeping you connected to him. You don’t like his behaviors. You don’t feel it’s acceptable or normal for him not to respond to your feelings for a few days. You don’t like that you are the one to always resolve things. You don’t like how he communicates things sometimes and you constantly feel left out and not important in his life. It seems like something inside of you keeps wanting things to change….wanting him to be different and wanting him to change because you are unhappy. Is this how you feel?
I do recommend to keep just giving him space and let him respond whenever he needs to. What I recommend even more than that, is to NOT talk about something you feel is hurtful, over text. ALWAYS talk face to face. Remember that texts can get completely lost. He cannot see or feel your experience. Sooooo many arguments and hurt feelings are caused by texts that were misunderstood or misinterpreted. He really may not be connected to what your experience is. He may not even realize you upset. So again, are you willing to finish the conversation IN PERSON and not try to resolve this over a text message??
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I LOVE your thoughts! Love is soooo risky. There is no way around that. He is right. He COULD get up and away again. Any guy could. You even could! That is just the reality and why love is such a risk. It sounds like you haven’t quite forgiven him fully and completely. You still have a lot of energy focused on the past and his choices and it’s causing you to still keep your walls up. What would it take for you to let go of the past and feel comfortable with him now? What would it take to feel like you can relax with him now and just let your relationship flow however it does?
There are things you can look for in a partner though, that can decrease the odds of that happening. You have to look at how a person handles stress. There are people that run, there are people that stay silent in the torture and stick it out no matter what even if they are unhappy, there are people that face it head on and they take ownership for their part, they dissect it, understand it, despite how uncomfortable it is.
So let’s look at you first. How would you say you handle stress? What are your normal behaviors when it comes to dealing with challenge, whether in life or your relationship?
Heidi
Hi Hillary,
I’m really proud of you! I understand the low self esteem thing. We ALL find ways to cope with low self esteem that can be destructive. I used to use men for my self esteem as well. It’s actually a common way for people to find value…attention is a very powerful band-aid when you don’t feel good about yourself, so know that you were doing the best you could and now you are doing better…which says A LOT about you! You are quite strong and resilient to face yourself this way and to start making changes.
Yes, your decisions may have ruined this relationship and yes, your decisions have gotten you to this place. It’s okay though! That is true for every single person on this earth. The wonderful thing is, when you are able to keep your attention and your energy in the present moment, moving forward, you get to make all kinds of different decisions to turn your life into exactly what you want!!!
If he decides he can’t let go of the resentment and hurt, he gets to do that. That doesn’t mean that at some point down the road, you will meet another guy, with a much stronger self esteem, a guy you decide to be faithful with and there won’t be that looming past hanging out with you. You will, of course, have other challenges in the relationship, as there are always challenges, but there won’t be a history of cheating.
It’s time for you to let go of the blame. You have punished yourself enough. Punishing yourself more will only keep you small, limited and in your low self esteem, which you have been working to fix. It’s okay to forgive yourself and look forward. That takes more strength than you realize! Imagine your life without the blame and guilt? Those emotions keep you small. Maybe you are afraid to become your big beautiful, powerful self. If you let go of the guilt and blame and set yourself free, imagine what you could do with all of that energy????
Heidi
HI JS,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here.
I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. Facing this surgery is soooo scary!!! And then to add on top of that, your guy walking away, is heartbreaking.
My guess is, being that he was raised military, he doesn’t have much access to his emotions. He might have been raised to be “tough” and he may not have ever been allowed to cry. Do you know? In the 2.5 years you have known him, have you ever seen him cry? Would you say he has the spectrum of emotions? Meaning you have seen him from sad, to happy, to super excited, to super hurt?? In the past, how has he responded to you and your hurt? I imagine in the 2.5 years, you guys have had some confrontations and needed to talk things through. How has he handled those times with you?
I wish doing the hero instinct were enough to keep a relationship together. There is so much more that goes into it. He is obviously super scared, just like you are, but instead of facing his fear, he is running the other way. The thought of losing you to “death” might be too intense for him to handle. He most likely isn’t even conscious of that. All he knows is that he is super uncomfortable, so instead of staying in that uncomfortableness, he is choosing to run. That is on HIM, not you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Gosh, it doesn’t look like that link is working, so here is the name of it: level connections .com
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
This is such a hard question for us to help you figure out, because we aren’t there and are not able to observe what is happening. One thing I have done in the past, is directly asked guys about their experiences with me. As a coach, I have also talked with ex’s and past people my client has dated, as a way to find out what their experiences were with my client, so I could get different points of view and to also see if there was a pattern of what people said. It’s one of the best ways to get some answers about how people are experiencing you. It’s a tough road though, as it can really be challenging for your self esteem. It’s crucial to be really solid in yourself as you listen to someone talking “unfavorably” about you. You also might find that guys just don’t feel the spark and there is nothing wrong with that or you. It’s just and “ism.”
If you keep posting here your responses to any guys that you have contact with online, we can keep helping you through that process. But attraction and what inspires someone to move forward with another person, especially as you get older, is sooooo layered and dynamic. There are physical, emotional and spiritual aspects that all have a powerful impact on attraction. I get why you think something is wrong with you. You are the only common denominator that you are aware of. Truth be told, there is something wrong with all of us. But somehow love can happen anyways, despite our humanness. Where this is a gift for you, is it’s an opportunity to strengthen your self esteem, to love yourself more and more even though you are not being sought after.
Another truth is, even if you were do something that is causing these men to head the other direction, aren’t you still loveable and worth fighting for? You are just being yourself and you are doing the very best that you know how and that is enough. If a guy is not attracted to that, then he is not someone for you. Romance and love can happen despite our faults, limitations and awkwardness. Love happens not because we are doing the “right” behaviors, saying the “right” things, or look a certain way. Love is much bigger than that. God is much bigger than that, right?
Here is an interesting video. I know it has nothing to do with dating, but I found this really interesting and entertaining and just thought I would share:
Also, here is the other link again…hopefully this one works: On her home page, there is a black box to the left that says “Level.” She is matchmaker for men. Men are her client, but she fills her database with women, for free. She will get all kinds of info from you and if she comes across a man who you might be a good fit for, she will contact you.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I just have a question: it seems like trying to find your guy is a full time job for you. It seems like you are on this treasure hunt and it’s consuming all your energy. Does it feel like that to you? I am wondering if there is a part of you that is so tired and so desperately wants to find your guy and just settle down. Yes? No? What if you end up being single for the rest of your life. How does that idea feel for you?
Check this out:
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This is an interesting post. It sounds like you got your power back. It sounds like you really are finding who you are in the middle of all of this.
From your post, it kind of has the energy as if you hold all the power, so to speak…..if I were to put it in words, I might say “I”m watching you. I’m watching everything you are doing and if you don’t step up, then I’m gonna bail. You either step up and be what I need, or I’m leaving.” If this is how you are feeling, then I would like to encourage you in a different direction. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells with him, that is not for him to fix. That is for YOU to fix. What was your purpose for telling him that? Was it to let him know he needs to change and be different for you so you can feel more comfortable being yourself?
If he is feeling like you are “holding all the cards” that means there is an imbalance of power and that is not healthy either. It puts you in the “power over” position…kind of like you are the parent and he is the child.
Before I go further into any of that, I just want to check in and see how all of this feels. I could be reading this totally different than what you intended!
Heidi
Hi Hillary!
Welcome! I LOVE all your honesty and that you are reaching out for help on a different level now.
I just have a few questions…
1. What is your current status? Are you guys broken up or together? I’m not sure how you guys are functioning….
2. Have you done any therapy or personal/deeper work with someone qualified? Has he?
3. How long has it been since you cheated? Was this a pattern for you before you met him?The first thing I want to say to you is, if you are going to heal and let go of the past, it’s time for you to let go of the guilt. You made decisions and there were consequences to those decisions. How long are you supposed to feel guilty for, before you really go of your choices from your past? You want him to move on and let go, but you haven’t even done that yourself.
Yes, you hurt him, HOWEVER how he responds to that hurt is HIS journey. You are NOT responsible for the pain and suffering he is still CHOOSING to hold onto. He can let go if he really wanted to. How long is he going to keep holding this over your head???
This is a really tough subject. When people feel deep hurt, there is so much guilt / shame / resentment / holding onto the past that happens and it gets a grip on a person. It takes a lot of strength to completely let go and forgive and bring all your energy and attention to the present moment. You cannot do anything more to get him to forgive and let go. You have repented and changed your behaviors and now the rest is up to him. He has to choose healing. The more you take on his emotions and pain and feeling, the more you make things worse for both of you.
The first decision that needs to be made in order for healing to enter into the picture is: forgiveness You BOTH need to forgive each other for the hurt, the blame, the poor decisions, the lack of connection. If he isn’t willing to go down this path with you, then that is important information you need to know about him. Once forgiveness is achieved, THEN you guys can decide if you want to still be together. If you do, then there is a lot of work to do to repair and work through the challenges. I would highly suggest working with an expert, going through books together to develop new skills, going to couples retreats.
Here is an excellent resource for you:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/conflict-management/There is a lot more to say, but my main question to you is….are you willing to fully forgive yourself, even if he won’t? Are you willing to let go of the guilt? Are you willing to let go of HIS feelings and stop taking responsibility for how he is feeling?
Heidi
