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Gosh, it doesn’t look like that link is working, so here is the name of it: level connections .com
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
This is such a hard question for us to help you figure out, because we aren’t there and are not able to observe what is happening. One thing I have done in the past, is directly asked guys about their experiences with me. As a coach, I have also talked with ex’s and past people my client has dated, as a way to find out what their experiences were with my client, so I could get different points of view and to also see if there was a pattern of what people said. It’s one of the best ways to get some answers about how people are experiencing you. It’s a tough road though, as it can really be challenging for your self esteem. It’s crucial to be really solid in yourself as you listen to someone talking “unfavorably” about you. You also might find that guys just don’t feel the spark and there is nothing wrong with that or you. It’s just and “ism.”
If you keep posting here your responses to any guys that you have contact with online, we can keep helping you through that process. But attraction and what inspires someone to move forward with another person, especially as you get older, is sooooo layered and dynamic. There are physical, emotional and spiritual aspects that all have a powerful impact on attraction. I get why you think something is wrong with you. You are the only common denominator that you are aware of. Truth be told, there is something wrong with all of us. But somehow love can happen anyways, despite our humanness. Where this is a gift for you, is it’s an opportunity to strengthen your self esteem, to love yourself more and more even though you are not being sought after.
Another truth is, even if you were do something that is causing these men to head the other direction, aren’t you still loveable and worth fighting for? You are just being yourself and you are doing the very best that you know how and that is enough. If a guy is not attracted to that, then he is not someone for you. Romance and love can happen despite our faults, limitations and awkwardness. Love happens not because we are doing the “right” behaviors, saying the “right” things, or look a certain way. Love is much bigger than that. God is much bigger than that, right?
Here is an interesting video. I know it has nothing to do with dating, but I found this really interesting and entertaining and just thought I would share:
Also, here is the other link again…hopefully this one works: On her home page, there is a black box to the left that says “Level.” She is matchmaker for men. Men are her client, but she fills her database with women, for free. She will get all kinds of info from you and if she comes across a man who you might be a good fit for, she will contact you.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I just have a question: it seems like trying to find your guy is a full time job for you. It seems like you are on this treasure hunt and it’s consuming all your energy. Does it feel like that to you? I am wondering if there is a part of you that is so tired and so desperately wants to find your guy and just settle down. Yes? No? What if you end up being single for the rest of your life. How does that idea feel for you?
Check this out:
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This is an interesting post. It sounds like you got your power back. It sounds like you really are finding who you are in the middle of all of this.
From your post, it kind of has the energy as if you hold all the power, so to speak…..if I were to put it in words, I might say “I”m watching you. I’m watching everything you are doing and if you don’t step up, then I’m gonna bail. You either step up and be what I need, or I’m leaving.” If this is how you are feeling, then I would like to encourage you in a different direction. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells with him, that is not for him to fix. That is for YOU to fix. What was your purpose for telling him that? Was it to let him know he needs to change and be different for you so you can feel more comfortable being yourself?
If he is feeling like you are “holding all the cards” that means there is an imbalance of power and that is not healthy either. It puts you in the “power over” position…kind of like you are the parent and he is the child.
Before I go further into any of that, I just want to check in and see how all of this feels. I could be reading this totally different than what you intended!
Heidi
Hi Hillary!
Welcome! I LOVE all your honesty and that you are reaching out for help on a different level now.
I just have a few questions…
1. What is your current status? Are you guys broken up or together? I’m not sure how you guys are functioning….
2. Have you done any therapy or personal/deeper work with someone qualified? Has he?
3. How long has it been since you cheated? Was this a pattern for you before you met him?The first thing I want to say to you is, if you are going to heal and let go of the past, it’s time for you to let go of the guilt. You made decisions and there were consequences to those decisions. How long are you supposed to feel guilty for, before you really go of your choices from your past? You want him to move on and let go, but you haven’t even done that yourself.
Yes, you hurt him, HOWEVER how he responds to that hurt is HIS journey. You are NOT responsible for the pain and suffering he is still CHOOSING to hold onto. He can let go if he really wanted to. How long is he going to keep holding this over your head???
This is a really tough subject. When people feel deep hurt, there is so much guilt / shame / resentment / holding onto the past that happens and it gets a grip on a person. It takes a lot of strength to completely let go and forgive and bring all your energy and attention to the present moment. You cannot do anything more to get him to forgive and let go. You have repented and changed your behaviors and now the rest is up to him. He has to choose healing. The more you take on his emotions and pain and feeling, the more you make things worse for both of you.
The first decision that needs to be made in order for healing to enter into the picture is: forgiveness You BOTH need to forgive each other for the hurt, the blame, the poor decisions, the lack of connection. If he isn’t willing to go down this path with you, then that is important information you need to know about him. Once forgiveness is achieved, THEN you guys can decide if you want to still be together. If you do, then there is a lot of work to do to repair and work through the challenges. I would highly suggest working with an expert, going through books together to develop new skills, going to couples retreats.
Here is an excellent resource for you:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/conflict-management/There is a lot more to say, but my main question to you is….are you willing to fully forgive yourself, even if he won’t? Are you willing to let go of the guilt? Are you willing to let go of HIS feelings and stop taking responsibility for how he is feeling?
Heidi
Hi Junie!
I’m loving your positive attitude!!! I love the confidence, I love all of the learning you are doing! You are doing an incredible job!
So you agreed to see him tomorrow, but what kind of date is it? Afternoon or dessert? I’m guessing it’s dessert since staying over at his house is an option now. It sounds like you are okay with sleeping with him now, but just a few days ago, you wanted to wait. What has changed for you? Just curious.
As far as asking him to be exclusive, I wouldn’t recommend it. He needs to be the one who initiates that. Again…it’s about the chase. Men NEED to chase. You are doing such a great job at giving him space to do what he needs. Besides, think of how much more amazing it will feel when HE asks you! You will know for sure, that he is ready to go to the next level. If you ask him, it immediately puts pressure on him and he may even say yes, just so you don’t get mad and ruin the evening. Guys do that all of the time!!! So let it come from him.
Since you guys really aren’t exclusive, then dating is an option. He may or may not be dating other ladies. If it’s a deal breaker for you at this point, I would suggest finding out. There has been no agreement to exclusivity, so this is a risky path to take. You could just not focus on what he is doing when he is on his own and just pay attention to what is happening with him and between the both of you when you are together. Stay present with him and have a fabulous time. It’s stuff like that, that will inspire him to want to just be with you. Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
I am soooo glad he followed through and you guys got to have your talk and empty everything out!!! That’s spectacular!
You have said a lot of things, but there is one thing I would like to recommend. You keep saying you want something back with him. You want your old feelings for him, you want your old connection back with him. I completely understand this! The thing is, your attention and energy is on the past, when it needs to be in the present. You keep wanting something that no longer exists in the present and that is where your attention needs to be. Let go of what used to be between you guys. You both were different then. What matters is what you are dealing with in the present. If you don’t feel how you want to feel, then honor that instead of trying to feel something that just isn’t there.
Your very last post was really interesting and such a great question. I have experienced this very thing MANY times so I will speak from my own experience and maybe it will help bring clarity for you. When you shift and grow, your tastes will change. Let’s say you are the color blue. People who also are some shade of blue themselves will align with you better. As you shift and grow and do a lot of work on yourself, you change to a different color…let’s say you become yellow. All of a sudden, the blueish type of people just don’t resonate as much anymore. The connection has changed, the interactions have changed, you don’t feel the same around them. So…the fact that you are calmer and more together is an absolute testament to all the work you have done yourself! It’s HUGE growth. You also have different feelings for him….less feelings….because you have changed. I have shifted out of so many friendships and relationships because of my growth. Growth causes people to start to head on different paths. The way people stay together through growing, is their paths run parallel. They grow in the same direction and it doesn’t sound like that is what is happening for you guys.
I have many other thoughts, but just wanted to start with this and see how it all makes you feel…
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I’m glad to know he has reached out and interested initiating with you! What was the reason for wanting to meet during the day? I’m curious. I thought you were okay with grabbing dessert and catching up and then heading home. If I’m reading this correctly, I’m understanding that you are wanting him to make time for you vs. squeezing you into your schedule, hence the afternoon meetup?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
I love that you focus on the positive! It is a choice isn’t it? Albeit a very difficult choice sometimes, but one still worth making.
You have been through a lot in your life and you are quite the resilient woman. I understand why you are tired. Anyone who has been through you have been through, would be tired. Of course you want to be rescued. Of course you want some help. Of course you want companionship to help make your life a little easier. You want to feel listened to, valued, you want to feel connected to a partner who goes through life WITH you.
I like to use the analogy that we are all like a big piece of swiss cheese. We have solid parts and we have holes. The only difference between each of us, is how many holes we have and how big the holes are. What most people do when searching for love, is to find someone else who can help fill those holes and relieve the suffering, relieve the loneliness, relieve the challenges in their life. It feels really good to have someone else come along and help fill up those holes with us, or for us. The only challenge about that is, it’s never a permanent solution. Because those holes exist from our past, our beliefs about ourselves, our internal emotional structure, having someone else help us fill that is like putting a band-aid on. It’s only temporary and it doesn’t take long for that other person who is helping you fill your holes will mess up somehow, just because they are human and have their limitations, and all of a sudden your hole is back to empty again. That’s why it is sooooo crucial that you fill your own holes. That way, when your partner messes up and lets you down, it’s not so shocking to your system because you have a solid self esteem and connection to yourself…they are not “completing” you….you are completing you. Does this make sense as to why it is a dangerous road to want someone to come along and “rescue” you? So how can you rescue yourself? What specifically are you wanting a man to do for you, that you are not doing for yourself?
As far as your thanksgiving guest, I totally get it. It doesn’t feel quite appropriate or comfortable. You will do whatever feels comfortable for you.
You really kick butt with the flirting! You absolutely have a beautiful way with words! There is NOTHING to fix btw with that one flirty comment. Just leave it as is! No biggie. I just pointed it out as something for you to think about. You may not feel or even agree with what I said and that’s okay too! You decide what works best for you. Bottom line is, the guy that is worth holding onto, is the guy who accepts you just as you are…mistakes and messiness and all! One of my very favorite movies that portrays that is “Bridget Jone’s Diary” The first one. Have you seen that???
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I really love your openness and your desire to want to do things in a way that is helpful and effective. I see how uncomfortable some of this is for you, but that you are doing it anyways and I really want you to acknowledge that for yourself. You are growing and doing things differently and that is a scary path sometimes so kudos to you!!! Make sure you give yourself some super gold stars!
I really want to guide you into trusting yourself. I know you have a specific intention about how you want the trip to feel and how you want it to go. How about letting go of the idea of what “should or should not” happen and just let things be how they are. I know you want it to be fun and light, but if it starts to get deep and serious, let it go there! If you feel inspired to say certain things about what you have learned about yourself, then say it! Use your intuition and let it guide you through the process. When you are able to really just be present with the moment and you listen to your intuition, opportunities usually show up that wouldn’t have otherwise. Instead of having plans on complimenting him, let those compliments show up for you in the moment and when you feel inspired, you say something. It will have a more authentic energy and feeling to it.
How does all of this feel for you? Will you remind me when he is coming to visit??
Heidi
Hi Karen.
The holidays are so stressful aren’t they??? I know so many people who struggle with their families.
The issue with your husband is it sounds like he just doesn’t have enough self esteem to interact with your family. He feels “less than” when he is around them. I know this is not your truth, but it’s HIS truth and it’s VERY real for him. Why not honor that he doesn’t feel good around your family and let it just be that. You cannot give him self esteem. He has to earn that himself. So how about designing the holidays where he doesn’t join you when you go hang out with your family. No one has fun, correct? He sure doesn’t have fun, so you won’t have fun and your family won’t have fun….so why not just let him stay home and then everyone can feel peaceful and get to be themselves, instead of having to walk on eggshells? Is this possible?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thank you for sharing a lot more about your personal story and how you have had to live your life. Some of your challenges are starting to make more sense now.
The only thing I would suggest to pay attention to, is talking about the negativity you feel about your life. When you start out a sentence with “Far more often I receive cutting, critical, negative comments….” it can invite judgment and a certain perception that may not be positive. I really want to encourage you to look at your perception about your life and your self talk. How you view yourself deep down, will attract a lot of the same energy. So let me ask you this….what was your need to say that statement? What were you hoping to really accomplish by saying how you are criticized more often? Also, finishing the sentence with him being a safe harbor in a stormy see, is immediately putting him the position of being a “rescuer.” You know nothing about this guy and already you are giving away some of your power by letting him know he is rescuing you from a “stormy sea.” Do you believe you need to be rescued?? A man will NOT want to be rescuing a woman he hasn’t even met yet and only had 1 message exchange, but a man who is searching for “prey” will eat that right up and play into that role of being the rescuer and pull you right in. I imagine that is not the impression you want to give, correct? I know you were trying to be romantic and poetic and activate his “hero” instinct. If you knew the guy better and you had some time and experience with him, that statement would be awesome actually!!! Instead, saying something like, “Thank you so much for your compliments! You put a huge smile on my face!” And just leave it at that…
I know you believe you are really awkward at all of this, but I gotta tell ya Rhonda, you are quite skillful at turning on the flirtiness if you want to!!! I’m impressed! You actually don’t need to learn anything about how to flirt. I think it’s more about making sure your flirting is aligning with what you want to communicate and express.
I understand about the holidays! I have spent many alone as well and it was difficult for sure, but then I decided to turn those times into something spectacular regardless. On the years I spend it alone, I now always make sure to volunteer somewhere and connect with many other people in ways to serve my community. It’s pretty spectacular actually! So, if you want to invite him with you, make sure you are doing it from the mindset of just wanting to invite a friend and not feeling sorry for him. He doesn’t need your empathy. He needs you to see his strength and his resilience! He needs you to see him as a person who has been through a lot but is still standing tall and doing what he has to do to live his life. If you invite him because you feel sorry for him, then that changes the energy of the whole thing. So if you feel it would be fun to hang with him, then invite him!
I know I’ve said a lot, so I’ll stop here! I always look forward to your responses. You are doing such a great job as you are trying to figure all of this out. There is nothing easy about what you are doing! You are quite persistent and committed and that is essential to growth. It’s such a pleasure to work with you!
Heidi
Hi Junie,
I’m proud of you for giving him space. It’s a good time to gather some info. about the who he is. It’s been about a week now, so let’s see how long it takes for him to initiate again. You are allowing him to determine the speed, which is so important for him to feel and important for you to learn about him and decide if it works for you or not.
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I have had a handful of longer term boyfriends that I loved. But then there was Victor. He was my boyfriend from 10 years ago and he was the very first person (I was in my 30s btw) where the breakup (although it was super healthy and a good thing to do) went to a level I had never experienced before. I couldn’t eat for 2 weeks, I couldn’t stop crying and ever 2 years post breakup, I was still occasionally looking at his Facebook profile to see what new girl he was dating and I would get hurt all over again. I understand how you feel. I know how hard it is. There are just certain people we run across in our lives, that are somehow able to get to a place in our hearts more effortlessly. There are a lot of theories out there as to why this happens and what is actually happening. Even if you did understand, it doesn’t change the hurt or how hard it is to separate. The gift in something this difficult, is it gives you a very big opportunity to choose self love. If you can you choose to love yourself more than him, when it’s this difficult, then you are making a BIG imprint in your psyche that you are important, valuable and that you will choose yourself no matter what. That means something!!!! That is a very powerful choice you are making.
SO instead of looking at it as a loss, look at it as: “I’m just making a different choice. Before I chose him. Now I choose me. I choose to love myself no matter what. I choose to invite people into my life that only treat me with respect, who will fight for me, who will see my value and care for me in a way supports my life.” You have to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
