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Hi Rebecca,
I understand your fear and worry. Remember, whatever problems you guys already have had and why the relationship didn’t work…is still there. You still need to see if whoever he is growing into is someone that fits into how you want to function in a relationship.
SO instead of trying to hold onto him for dear life and “plan” when and how you have contact with him, would you be willing to let go of your fear and your need to control the situation? REALLY explore your needs and how you guys fit together….just as friends BEFORE trying to fit him back into your life, because you see changes that you really like. TRUST the process. TRUST that if you guys are a good fit down the road, then you will be together again. Right now is a good time to continue to stay connected to yourself and keep growing, just like him. When you grow together, even if you are working on separate issues inside of yourselves, you bond, you share, you deepen the friendship. That’s what is most important in any romantic relationship anyways.
Are you willing to let go of the future and just enjoy whatever ends up showing up? You connect whenever you connect….no plan except to keep giving him space to have the growth he needs.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Britanny,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and you are actually asking a very powerful question!
Sex is a very, very dynamic and layered entity. There are so many things that influence a person’s interest in sex and their sex drive. Hormones, spiritual practices and beliefs, work, money, how they feel about themselves and their self esteem.
Are you okay sharing more detail? It’s hard to offer guidance when we don’t have any basic background.
How long have you been together? When did you notice his lack of interest in sex with you? Have you talked about it with him? If yes, what have you learned about his mindset? How is your relationship in general? Do you guys have good communication and connection outside of the bedroom? Do you feel you have a happy marriage?
Looking forward to more detail! Anything you are willing to share is helpful!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
So wonderful to hear from you! You have been through a lot this month.
I’m so sorry about your mom. How are you doing? What feelings are coming up for you?
Well done in dealing with your dad. You held your ground and stayed centered in who you are and how you believe while accepting him for how he wanted to believe. You role modeled for him, what he needed to do for you! Do you realize that??? Good job!
I love that you are paying attention to all of those little statements. I LOVE when those come my way. It’s like God giving me a present of how he views me. What a gift! I’m glad you are noticing and absorbing all of it!
Who is your date with on the 24th? Are you guys talking between now and then? Where are you going?
Heidi
Hi Cleo,
Thank you for sharing more details! It’s helpful.
So let me just ask you one thing. I know you love him and the connection between you guys is pretty wonderful. Regardless, you want children and he doesn’t. There is no “things could change later on down the road” kind of thing. When you make decisions based on the future, you run into trouble. You need to decide based on what is true for you IN THE MOMENT. You want kids, which means no matter how much you love him, he is not a fit, plain and simple. So what makes you want to pull him back into your life when he can’t give you what you want? You are settling. Is this something you are willing to acknowledge?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
You are asking some really great questions. First, I am sooooo happy to hear he is working on himself. It is very important for him to really get to know himself as a single guy…alone and not looking to date. Having this time to himself is a VERY crucial part of growth for him. I can see why you would be attracted to him as he is growing and learning about himself.
My suggestion is to keep giving him A LOT of breathing room. Be patient and let him have as much space as possibly needs. Love and care for him enough to support his growth in learning who he is WITHOUT a woman. This is so very important for him, so put your need to connect romantically on the back burner. If you try to pull him out of this phase he is in too soon, you will only find him falling back into his old patterns. Have the goal of just being occasional friends and when you are together, share the things you are learning about yourself and ask him lots of questions about himself and get to know the new person he is becoming…with your “friend” hat on. Stay away from flirting or adding any kind of romance into the equation. He needs to know who he is without any of that. He has been addicted to that which is why he went from relationship to relationship and constantly sought that out. Would you take a recovering alcoholic into a bar??? Does this help give you a more clear picture about how to be with him and why?
Heidi
Okay…so you set a more clear boundary about what you would like from him. Again, it sounds like he took it really well. How do you feel about what you said? Do you feel like the energy has shifted at all between you guys now that you are going to start to function differently with him? I’m curious.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
You are getting a little better each day and that is so wonderful! Of course you still hurt and of course you have hope that you both will rejoin on the other side of this, whenever that may be. It’s how you feel and it’s all important and valuable.
In regards to writing, write anyways! Who cares that it’s all sad stuff! It is what is real for you right now and there is nothing wrong with that. Think of it this way….when we have thoughts and feelings that have nowhere to go, they get stuck in our body, our emotional system, our spirit. When you write, when you do art, when you dance and use those emotions to fuel those kinds of expressive activities, it’s giving a place for those emotions to go. That’s what healing is! When you DON”T express, your spirit gets clogged up. When you write, you create a way for those emotions to flow and turn into something different. You may only write sad things for a week and then all of a sudden you find yourself writing something happy. Give it some time and honor that your sadness is just as valuable, important and deserves attention as your happiness. So write anyways! Give it 7 days. Write every day for 7 days and see what happens. If you don’t want to write, what I have done in the past is to talk into a recorder. I keep a recorder in my car and I talk into it as if I am talking to him. I say everything and anything I want to say to him! No filter….and wow is it powerful! Sometimes I would cry and miss him, sometimes I would be angry. It was a great place to allow everything I was thinking and feeling to have a voice. That was a powerful tool I used to help me through a hard breakup and it worked really well. What kinds of things can you do that are fun? Laughing and playful kind of things are very healing as well. Can you go to pet store and visit the puppies or kitties? Can you go paint a mug? What about doing something you have never done before. Go to a museum, go volunteer somewhere, go visit some people in a hospital. The holidays are here, so there are a ton of places to go volunteer to help others.
Here is a video about tapping. EFT is a VERY powerful healing technique that helps the stuck emotion move and change into something else. Most people don’t give it much credibility, but there is actually a TON of science showing it works. If you use every single day, multiple times a day if you have to, you will feel different, even within a few days. I have been using this technique for 20 years and not once has it not worked when I’m really stressed out.
This is a place to start! Keep us updated and keep sharing everything you are feeling and doing. This is a great place to just get to be yourself. We love that you are here!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Soo….what did you say? I’m not sure if you texted that you aren’t going to help him financially anymore or if you are referring to how you don’t have leftovers for him anymore. I’m dying to know what you decided? And whatever it is, how do you feel about it? It sounds like he took it really well, which is great!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Man…that’s a tough spot to be in.
Maybe it’s time to have a conversation with him about this. Something like, “Listen. I don’t like how I feel when I am taking care of you financially. Whether it’s paying for your food or taking you on trips and picking up most of the expense, it’s staring to not feel good for me. You are making certain choices in your life where you are putting yourself in a financially challenging spot. And that’s okay. You get to do your life however you want. But I am finding myself wanting to help and rescue you from the consequences you face with your choices and it’s creating a dynamic for me that I cannot sustain, so I am going to take a step back even further. I am going to let you take the lead. We will do 100% dutch for everything we do, even if we stay at home and cook. I am not going to help you with money or food, on any level, anymore. I know this may seem harsh, but I just need to take a step back and let you do your life the way you want and stop trying to rescue you.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
If it doesn’t resonate or if you don’t feel ready to do something like that, you can simply text in response something like, “So sorry. My leftovers are going to be my lunch tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you soon!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Your anger, of course, is coming from your ego AND your hurt is from your heart. And not in the sense the your heart was hurt specifically attached to him. It’s just hurt because you were rejected. You have had a lot of that with guys showing up and then ghosting. So I was referring to the general hurt of being rejected. And your thoughts of “he didn’t deserve me or he couldn’t handle me” is making him (or them) less than you. It’s your ego’s way of staying in the driver’s seat and making them “less than” so you stop hurting. It’s your ego’s way of dealing with your heart or hurt reaction. If your heart were in the driver’s seat and not your ego, it would respond by saying, “Dam…that hurt and it really sucks to be disrespected like that.” You feel the hurt but then come to the conclusion that “It’s okay. It wasn’t meant to be.” NO one is better than or less than the other person. I know this process soooooo well because I have so same exact responses. My ego can very quickly jump into the driver’s seat and to be honest, I sometimes let it because it’s easier and faster. It takes strength to just feel the hurt and not “rationalize” it away. Just some things to think about and experiment with in your life.
Either way, you definitely are growing! Doesn’t it feel amazing to watch yourself naturally handle a situation differently than before? I’m glad you are finding your truth and aligning with it much faster now. You have worked hard for it and are reaping the benefits!
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
You are sounding like you are getting a grasp on things! It sounds like you are getting more aligned with the truth of the situation, who you are and who he is in all of this.
I want to encourage you to let go of the words “strong” and “weak.” The way you are using those words have a lot of judgment in them. I am strong if…..or I am not weak if…..Whatever it is that you are feeling, is all okay. It doesn’t make you strong or weak, it just makes you human. It is VERY important to pay attention to the words you are using with yourself, because your words and what you say to yourself STRONGLY affect your healing abilities. Healing is not about being strong or weak. It’s just a very difficult process and is a rollercoaster ride. For example, you have gone up and down a couple of times feeling solid in what you believe and then not. From this post, you are feeling even stronger and more clear about what you want and it even has a flavor of anger instead of obsession. Then you will have many more moments of changing your mind, having other feelings, wanting him back etc, which doesn’t make you weak. It makes you normal as you accept what is happening right now and adjust your heart, your thoughts, the design of your life. ALL your emotions are valid and have a message for you and you don’t want to categorize what you are feeling as strong or weak.
You are connecting to a lot of truths much more strongly right now which is great! It’s a sign of healing. It is true that if he decides not to tell the truth, he is not the type of guy you want in your life anyways. With that being said, he is human and you both are so young, what you both are going through and how you both are handling things is very normal for your age. It’s the time to be messy, as you both start to enter the very beginning phases of becoming more adult. The 20’s is the decade where it’s very normal to experiment, to have many different experiences, shift paradigms, develop integrity (or not)…it’s a decade where we leave the nest and figure out who the heck we are. As we enter into the late 20 and approach the 30’s, hopefully we have figured enough out to start to be ready for a family. My point in telling you this, is that he may not choose to tell the truth to this other girl and that’s okay. He will feel the consequences of that and he will even start to feel the consequences of holding onto his guilt. This is all really good for him and very age appropriate. So as you go through YOUR healing process and figure out who you are and who you CHOOSE to be through the loss of your best friend, the loss of your dream, the loss of your love….ALWAYS choose forgiveness for his limitations. You never want to hold onto any anger, resentment or judgment…it’s toxic…just as toxic as it is to hold onto guilt.
And it’s okay to still hold onto your dream of coming back together and having your gut feeling. It’s just part of who you are right now. It becomes a problem when you use those feelings to control your life and decisions, which was your starting point. Now…you are allowing those feelings to exist AND you are also dealing with the present moment as well and accepting what is happening RIGHT NOW. You are choosing to still live your life, get more comfortable with the new design of your day and giving both you and him some space. Keep forgiving him for his limitations and messiness. Forgive yourself for not being able to meet your own needs and then release all of it to God and say “I give all of this to You and You be in charge of the time it takes for my healing and You be the one to hold him accountable for his choices. I release that responsibility to You.” You may have to say that a million times, but every time you make a conscious choice to release this to God and forgive and let go of any judgments or anger, you are healing your heart every single time and you are CHOOSING what kind of person you are going to be…in your worst moments.
Well done Morgan. This time around is the most grounded I have hear you. Don’t be surprised if you lose it again and fall back into obsession and wanting to control. It’s all okay. Come back here and vent and use this as a place to just let it all go! We are here for you, no matter how you are feeling!
Heidi
Hi Cleo,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! It’s so incredibly difficult to watch someone you love, walk away.
First, before you do anything, let’s talk about why you think his reasons were “excuses” and not the real reason why he broke up.
He doesn’t want kids. Are you okay with this? This is a VERY serious topic. Many women say they would be okay with it, get the guy back and then later on try to push the guy into having a family. It’s not a kind thing to do, so it’s important you are VERY clear about what you want. Is not having kids something you can be peaceful about? Were you guys having conversations about your future recently? I’m wondering if maybe that scared him off…
The distance is hard. It’s very true. It’s a lot of work to keep a relationship going when there is a ton of travel AND a new relationship. Is there anything else that is happening for him right now that you are aware of? Did his work become more challenging? How is his relationship with his ex? Peaceful and easy? Challenging?
Heidi
A
Hi Melissa,
In regards to the travel thing and going out to eat all the time, I didn’t mean to suggest that it would change anything. People are who they are and it just is what it is. By you paying for all those things, I was saying it’s contributing to the issue. By you taking those things away and living in the REAL reality of who he is, you would get to feel that and so would he. He most likely has a very high discomfort level, so not traveling would not have an impact on his behavior and choices. He is this way for some deep reasons that he has to face someday. You just get upset about how irresponsible he is and then contribute to him being irresponsible by asking him to pay 25% for travel. That contributes to his issues. He is going to choose to go every time! Who wouldn’t??? You put him in a position, every time you travel, of having to choose to be responsible and say no, or go and have some fun, screw the money, he will figure it out somehow. I completely understand your desire to travel and have it be WITH him. It’s so much more fun that way!!! These are just some things to think about. Since he is someone who is irresponsible, you are always going to be the one paying if you want to go have some fun. That’s okay! But can you let go of the judgment and frustrations you have with his choices? It’s just what is going to happen with who you have chosen to be with. It’s not going to change and it is what it is. So can you fully embrace your choice and accept the consequences that come with it? You will find more peace that way.
In regards to saying something encouraging for setting up appointments, OF COURSE!!! Being nurturing and loving and caring and encouraging is activating your mothering instincts, but in a good way! The mothering thing becomes unhealthy when you start to tell him what he needs to do and how to be…that’s the controlling side wanting your “child” not to run into trouble down the road. But being encouraging and supportive is ABSOLUTELY a wonderful thing!! Do you understand the difference? make sense?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I am soooo so sorry to hear this. I know your heart must have just sank having to hear all of that. It can be soooo confusing to hear how much he loves you, all the while dating another girl. I know how badly you just want him to figure this out.
I understand your fears. I know you want him to be truthful with the other girl and with himself. If that is not his choice, then he gets to be that kind of person. All his choices and how he handles all of this is part of him learning about the kind of person he wants to be in this world. Sometimes, we learn that by making choices that are unkind to others and hurt ourselves. That pain we feel, is the gift. It let’s us know that is NOT who we want to be and hopefully, we learn and grow from it.
Of course he loves you and I imagine he would like to end up with you someday. And that can be a very real possibility. You both just have a lot of living and learning to do before walking down that aisle. That’s something that is way down, so your attention needs to be on ways to heal your heart.
Tell me more about your fears. You are afraid he won’t figure it out. How come? What happens if he doesn’t figure it out? And let’s say he does “figure it out,” do you think that means you guys would get back together and that’s the ONLY thing keeping you guys apart? What if he does find a way to let go of the guilt, but still feels like he wants to go experience life as a single guy? What if he never tells the girl about his feelings for you? What do you think will happen?
What was your panic attack about? How did you calm yourself down?
Your full responsibility right now is to take care of yourself. You have some HARD choices to make right now. You can choose to keep overthinking, grasping for control and allowing your thoughts to torture you, or you can choose to face your fears and get control of them and start to work on your healing. You have complete control over how you handle this. You CAN be okay not talking to him. You CAN be okay giving him space. You CAN be okay if he decides to keep dating that other girl. You CAN be okay as you move forward without him. “Whether you think you can or can’t….you’re right.” Whatever you believe and CHOOSE….that’s what you will experience.
So Morgan…what is your choice? Do you want us to give you ideas about how to heal your broken heart and help you find your center again? Or would you like to stay in this pain longer and keep trying to get him back? We are here either way and will support you. There is no right or wrong answer here, as your life is your design. Some people want to stay in the pain longer and don’t want to let go…and that’s okay! Eventually you will get tired of the pain and finally want to let go…so what do you want?
Here is a video to help you understand some of what you are going through.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Yes…you got it! Those reminders are part of the larger picture that you are not equals. He isn’t behaving nor living like a grownup and you are. With your ex husband, because you felt like equals, reminding him about a dentist appointment had the energy of just helping and not mothering. When you offer help to your current guy, there is a mothering energy to it because you know he isn’t responsible…so it changes the flavor.
I’d also like to invite you to think about something further. I know you feel it’s okay to pay for all of those things, because you want to. Consider what it still is doing to your relationship. It puts you in a position of being the caregiver and parent. It’s what his parents have done for him his whole life. They paid for everything for him. And now you are paying for the majority of what you both do socially and in travel. Whether either of you realize it or not, it most likely is crippling him in ways you can’t quite see. For a man, his deep need and core purpose in life is to be able to produce. When you take that away from a man, either because he lost his job or he isn’t making enough money, it will start to destroy him at very deep levels. Us ladies don’t respond in the same way. For us, it’s all about connection. We LIVE for connection. If you were to take away our relationships, our core would start to melt away and we would be miserable. This is one of the main differences between men and women. So you are creating this life for him that he is not earning and working hard to produce. The thing is, he is actually okay with it. The ones that are okay with it, are the ones that still have a lot of very young, teenage energy in that department. He still has to ask his parents for food and rent money. And you want to take him on trips and expect him to contribute some money? You are not creating a life with him life where he feels the REALITY of his choices. Reality is, he could never afford eating out all the time or going on trips. He doesn’t truly know what his life is REALLY like and the consequences of him not choosing to work very hard. Why should he? You have set it up really well. He has a sugar mama who takes him out all the time for food and takes him on trips of which he has to only contribute just a little. He gets to go on weeks long tours, come home broke and have his parents or you rescue him. You are fooling yourself if you think he won’t ask for money again. He will. By asking, he is inviting you into his suffering, which activates your mothering instincts and wanting to help. What an awful feeling for you, that he asks for money for food or rent. Who wouldn’t want to help someone survive the BASICS of life??? You really think you can stand by and just watch him not be able to eat or pay rent???? All the while you ask him to go out to eat all the time and take him on trips? Do you see what I’m getting at? You are contributing to his way of living and his choices, more than you realize. As adults, we have to EARN the right to go out to eat. We have EARN the right to go on weekend trips. We have to save money, we have to work, we have responsibilities and THEN we can play. You are not letting him feel the REALITY of his choices not to work hard. Why should he? He gets to play anyways. He gets to travel, he gets to eat incredible food….why should he change his behavior and how he designs his life?
I know I am hitting you hard with this and I hope it’s okay. You want a grown up as a partner and you want him to be more responsible. I am saying all of this, because I don’t think you really realize how much what you are doing is contributing to his being irresponsible. Just some things to think about.
One thing you can do is just experiment. What if money were out of the equation. You guys only do what HE can afford. That means, if you go out, you go out on your own, you travel without him and whenever you hang out, you go dutch. See what kind of relationship you guys would have together and feel the reality of your choice in a partner and he can feel the reality of his choice in how he designs his life. Just a thought…
Heidi
