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Hi Morgan,
Man, I feel the struggle your guy is going through. His parents didn’t respond very well. Instead of wanting to understand what he is going through, they just lectured him and increased their control over him. This is what happens when you try to control a situation as a parent, as a girlfriend, as anyone. It is so harmful to the people involved. He gets to figure this out though. He will be okay and he will find who he is in the middle of everyone around him trying to tell him how to be or what to do. You guys are at that age where you are developing that part of yourself. Many challenges like this will show up and each time, you get the opportunity to learn who you are going to be in the middle of everyone else.
One of the best ways you can support him through something of this nature, is to remind him of who he is. No matter how people view him, or what other people are saying or doing to mess with his personal world, he is strong, resilient, intelligent etc. Remind him of his best self. This will be far from the last time he will go through this, so as all of this messiness is showing up, he is being strengthened. Showing him that you TRUST his process and have confidence in him that he will figure this out, is one of the best gifts you could give him. He needs that right now. You may have already done all of that, but just wanted to say it, just in case. It’s a season of struggle for both you. It’s a season of growing pains for both of you. I wish I could make it better for you guys, but like that butterfly story, you need to go through struggle so you can face the adult world with strong wings and be able to fly.
I’m glad to hear you are going to choose to back off. Please try the tapping when you start to feel anxiety. I know it may seem silly, but it’s actually a really powerful technique and works wonders on anxiety. If you want to build trust with him again, you need to show him that you are going to respect his space, his pace, his life, his decisions. Doing all of that is going to push all of your insecurity buttons, so what is your plan on how to manage all of that??? You need a plan, otherwise you fall back into your old pattern and be seriously tempted to take control again and cross boundaries. What is your plan?
Heidi
I decided to join her emailing list…she had about a 30 minute video and talked about the coloring book she created. It was such an unusual and interesting concept. I decided to order a few for my friends and myself. I have a few adult coloring books that I use as a form of meditation, so to speak…a way to help my overthinking / analyzing brain to calm down a bit. It’s a great idea she has!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
It really is so baffling to me how people feel okay being sooooo rude, inconsiderate, abusive, harmful, critical towards another person…for whatever reason. You are right….they are just sitting behind their computer screen spewing off their opinions, being judgmental or harmful or saying one thing and doing another…..all for a power fix, because they are so depleted in their own lives. I too feel so very sad for those kind of people.
For some reason, this woman is coming back into my life with her work as I keep growing and evolving myself and my passion, so I thought I would share her website with you. You might like her! She has a specific approach to finding your soulmate. Just something to add to your toolbox 🙂
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
You should go back to the very beginning and re-read some of the things you have written. You DEFINITELY have changed. Sometimes, it’s so subtle you don’t even notice, but I completely agree with Kanya. Your ability to receive is much higher, you have a stronger connection to yourself and your value and more of what you are saying these days is on the positive end vs. everything you don’t have. You are growing and shifting for sure!!!
Just something to think about….even though you didn’t have a relationship with your mom, don’t be surprised if you still end up grieving at some point. I haven’t spoken to my father in 15 years, but death finalizes everything. It’s pretty normal for our “inner child” to cry because now that mom or dad is gone, there goes the dream of ever having a mom or dad to love you. Your adult wouldn’t feel that way, but the little girl inside of you would grieve, because she doesn’t ever get to have her mommy love her the way she always wanted. This may or may not come up for you, but I at least wanted to mention it so you can just be aware if you do find yourself having feelings at some point about the loss of your mom.
I’ve never heard of Our Time. I think that is actually a pretty spectacular idea to limit how much you can write! Interesting! We definitely look forward to hearing about your Starbucks coffee date.
I love how much you live your life Rhonda. You really are out there and having so much fun in your life in many different ways! You are inspiring!
I thought I would share this website with you. I like this woman a lot and thought maybe you would respond to what she says…maybe not, but who knows….just throwing it out there.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
Wow….a lot has happened!
I’m glad there is movement and things are shifting a bit. Even though it’s not exactly what you want, at least you guys are talking about everything.
Do you see how your need to control everything is taking over your life again?? You talking to that other girl was HUGELY crossing a boundary. It was not your place. You stepped in and took control of the situation vs. letting him do it the way he wanted. That was not okay, but it’s a good learning experience for you to see what lengths you are willing to go to in order to have control in a situation. It’s important information to know about yourself.
Let’s see if this time around, you can practice letting go of your need to control just a little bit more. I would suggest staying completely away from talking about the other girl and him. Let him be him and step out of trying to push him into something. Step out of trying to “be together forever.” Can you work on finding your peace and letting go of how and when and what to talk about? Can you let HIM take the lead and you follow??? One of the main characteristics of great leaders, is that they have the ability to follow. You were getting to the point where you were following well…you were taking care of yourself, you were praying more, you were finding peace in giving him space and then you lost yourself and your need for control completely took over can caused harm. So now that you know this is who you can be, you can watch yourself better this next time around. What can you do to calm that voice and need you have to take over the situation and force what you want to have happen?
You guys will talk about things when it’s the right time. Trust that there will be many moments where you will get to ask him questions, listen to his process and find out where he sits with everything. How and what to say….all of that will come to you when the conversation starts to happen. What I always encourage people to do, first and foremost, is have a spirit of curiosity about the other person. Ask questions from a place of wanting to understand the depths of what they are they going through. Repeat back what you hear and then ask more questions. It’s a really wonderful way for someone to feel safe exposing themselves emotionally with someone. When they feel you are curious and non judgmental, you will create a safe space for him to open up to whatever level he is ready for. Hopefully this helps give you a general idea about how to approach things.
As far as your boundaries about the other girl, you can just say something super simple like, “Listen. I know she still exists. I just have a boundary that I will not want to work on anything until that door is closed with her. So whenever you are ready to work on things with me again, you can let me know by saying, I want to fight for us. When you say that phrase to me, that let’s me know you have closed the door and ready to take our next adventure together. Until then, I will give you space to workout whatever you need to workout. I won’t ask or talk about her.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Holy smokes! Look at you!!!! Well done!!!!
He is stepping up to the plate! I’m so happy to hear that. You are finding yourself in the middle of him figuring out the kind of person he wants to be in this world. I really am truly very proud of you. I know it’s scary, but you are facing it!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand your fear and worry. Remember, whatever problems you guys already have had and why the relationship didn’t work…is still there. You still need to see if whoever he is growing into is someone that fits into how you want to function in a relationship.
SO instead of trying to hold onto him for dear life and “plan” when and how you have contact with him, would you be willing to let go of your fear and your need to control the situation? REALLY explore your needs and how you guys fit together….just as friends BEFORE trying to fit him back into your life, because you see changes that you really like. TRUST the process. TRUST that if you guys are a good fit down the road, then you will be together again. Right now is a good time to continue to stay connected to yourself and keep growing, just like him. When you grow together, even if you are working on separate issues inside of yourselves, you bond, you share, you deepen the friendship. That’s what is most important in any romantic relationship anyways.
Are you willing to let go of the future and just enjoy whatever ends up showing up? You connect whenever you connect….no plan except to keep giving him space to have the growth he needs.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Britanny,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and you are actually asking a very powerful question!
Sex is a very, very dynamic and layered entity. There are so many things that influence a person’s interest in sex and their sex drive. Hormones, spiritual practices and beliefs, work, money, how they feel about themselves and their self esteem.
Are you okay sharing more detail? It’s hard to offer guidance when we don’t have any basic background.
How long have you been together? When did you notice his lack of interest in sex with you? Have you talked about it with him? If yes, what have you learned about his mindset? How is your relationship in general? Do you guys have good communication and connection outside of the bedroom? Do you feel you have a happy marriage?
Looking forward to more detail! Anything you are willing to share is helpful!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
So wonderful to hear from you! You have been through a lot this month.
I’m so sorry about your mom. How are you doing? What feelings are coming up for you?
Well done in dealing with your dad. You held your ground and stayed centered in who you are and how you believe while accepting him for how he wanted to believe. You role modeled for him, what he needed to do for you! Do you realize that??? Good job!
I love that you are paying attention to all of those little statements. I LOVE when those come my way. It’s like God giving me a present of how he views me. What a gift! I’m glad you are noticing and absorbing all of it!
Who is your date with on the 24th? Are you guys talking between now and then? Where are you going?
Heidi
Hi Cleo,
Thank you for sharing more details! It’s helpful.
So let me just ask you one thing. I know you love him and the connection between you guys is pretty wonderful. Regardless, you want children and he doesn’t. There is no “things could change later on down the road” kind of thing. When you make decisions based on the future, you run into trouble. You need to decide based on what is true for you IN THE MOMENT. You want kids, which means no matter how much you love him, he is not a fit, plain and simple. So what makes you want to pull him back into your life when he can’t give you what you want? You are settling. Is this something you are willing to acknowledge?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
You are asking some really great questions. First, I am sooooo happy to hear he is working on himself. It is very important for him to really get to know himself as a single guy…alone and not looking to date. Having this time to himself is a VERY crucial part of growth for him. I can see why you would be attracted to him as he is growing and learning about himself.
My suggestion is to keep giving him A LOT of breathing room. Be patient and let him have as much space as possibly needs. Love and care for him enough to support his growth in learning who he is WITHOUT a woman. This is so very important for him, so put your need to connect romantically on the back burner. If you try to pull him out of this phase he is in too soon, you will only find him falling back into his old patterns. Have the goal of just being occasional friends and when you are together, share the things you are learning about yourself and ask him lots of questions about himself and get to know the new person he is becoming…with your “friend” hat on. Stay away from flirting or adding any kind of romance into the equation. He needs to know who he is without any of that. He has been addicted to that which is why he went from relationship to relationship and constantly sought that out. Would you take a recovering alcoholic into a bar??? Does this help give you a more clear picture about how to be with him and why?
Heidi
Okay…so you set a more clear boundary about what you would like from him. Again, it sounds like he took it really well. How do you feel about what you said? Do you feel like the energy has shifted at all between you guys now that you are going to start to function differently with him? I’m curious.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
You are getting a little better each day and that is so wonderful! Of course you still hurt and of course you have hope that you both will rejoin on the other side of this, whenever that may be. It’s how you feel and it’s all important and valuable.
In regards to writing, write anyways! Who cares that it’s all sad stuff! It is what is real for you right now and there is nothing wrong with that. Think of it this way….when we have thoughts and feelings that have nowhere to go, they get stuck in our body, our emotional system, our spirit. When you write, when you do art, when you dance and use those emotions to fuel those kinds of expressive activities, it’s giving a place for those emotions to go. That’s what healing is! When you DON”T express, your spirit gets clogged up. When you write, you create a way for those emotions to flow and turn into something different. You may only write sad things for a week and then all of a sudden you find yourself writing something happy. Give it some time and honor that your sadness is just as valuable, important and deserves attention as your happiness. So write anyways! Give it 7 days. Write every day for 7 days and see what happens. If you don’t want to write, what I have done in the past is to talk into a recorder. I keep a recorder in my car and I talk into it as if I am talking to him. I say everything and anything I want to say to him! No filter….and wow is it powerful! Sometimes I would cry and miss him, sometimes I would be angry. It was a great place to allow everything I was thinking and feeling to have a voice. That was a powerful tool I used to help me through a hard breakup and it worked really well. What kinds of things can you do that are fun? Laughing and playful kind of things are very healing as well. Can you go to pet store and visit the puppies or kitties? Can you go paint a mug? What about doing something you have never done before. Go to a museum, go volunteer somewhere, go visit some people in a hospital. The holidays are here, so there are a ton of places to go volunteer to help others.
Here is a video about tapping. EFT is a VERY powerful healing technique that helps the stuck emotion move and change into something else. Most people don’t give it much credibility, but there is actually a TON of science showing it works. If you use every single day, multiple times a day if you have to, you will feel different, even within a few days. I have been using this technique for 20 years and not once has it not worked when I’m really stressed out.
This is a place to start! Keep us updated and keep sharing everything you are feeling and doing. This is a great place to just get to be yourself. We love that you are here!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Soo….what did you say? I’m not sure if you texted that you aren’t going to help him financially anymore or if you are referring to how you don’t have leftovers for him anymore. I’m dying to know what you decided? And whatever it is, how do you feel about it? It sounds like he took it really well, which is great!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Man…that’s a tough spot to be in.
Maybe it’s time to have a conversation with him about this. Something like, “Listen. I don’t like how I feel when I am taking care of you financially. Whether it’s paying for your food or taking you on trips and picking up most of the expense, it’s staring to not feel good for me. You are making certain choices in your life where you are putting yourself in a financially challenging spot. And that’s okay. You get to do your life however you want. But I am finding myself wanting to help and rescue you from the consequences you face with your choices and it’s creating a dynamic for me that I cannot sustain, so I am going to take a step back even further. I am going to let you take the lead. We will do 100% dutch for everything we do, even if we stay at home and cook. I am not going to help you with money or food, on any level, anymore. I know this may seem harsh, but I just need to take a step back and let you do your life the way you want and stop trying to rescue you.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
If it doesn’t resonate or if you don’t feel ready to do something like that, you can simply text in response something like, “So sorry. My leftovers are going to be my lunch tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you soon!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
