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Hi Vino,
Those chemicals are pretty strong aren’t they? They can completely consume a person, even though they haven’t met each other.
First and foremost, it’s so crucial you really keep yourself in reality. Everything you feel about him is based on chemicals being released in your body, because you feel attraction…your attraction is NOT based in reality of time and experience WITH him.
Second, I absolutely would encourage you to meet in person. I don’t care what he says about how women take advantage of him and throw themselves at him, so he is cautious. Everything you have told me so far that he has said, has HUGE ALARM bells ringing in my head. First, there is nothing wrong with meeting for a short coffee or tea and make it a super light meeting. Talking for too long and creating a connection through words on a screen is NOT reality. If he is THAT scared to meet in person, then that’s a problem. He is either not who he really says he is or he is quite fragile. I’ve heard so many stories of men and women using online dating as a platform and saying things similar to what your guy is saying and when they get pushed to meet in person for the first time, they bail.
So I suggest to get a reality check NOW. You guys have communicated enough now to know there is an attraction, but you need to see each other in person to validate that, otherwise you are just wasting your time and you will keep building this fantasy of who he is. I remember this one guy where we talked a ton over text, even on the phone and after about 3 weeks, we were able to meet up in person. The moment I saw him, I ABSOLUTELY had no attraction towards him. He was such a great guy, but it just wasn’t there….for either of us actually. With online dating, I always suggest to talk for a bit and then meet up sooner than later, before you or him gets swept off your feet by the fantasy that gets starts to get fed.
If he keeps stalling or pushing you off saying he is busy with work, or he keeps rescheduling, then know there is something not right. If he has time to message you all day, he has time to meet you. If he is so busy with work and doesn’t have time to meet up for a quick coffee date, what is he doing on a dating app then? Push him to meet in person and see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
Would you be willing to share more information?
Is there a reason you wouldn’t believe that he says exactly what he means? Do you not trust his words? Are you thinking it means something more or different than what he is saying?
What is happening in your relationship that would make you come here and ask for clarification on what it means when he says this to you?
Heidi
Hi Natalie!
Welcome! We are glad you are here asking some great questions!
First, I would like to encourage you to slow down. You have only been on one date with the guy and also had sex with him. Sex, in and of itself, releases a TON of hormones in a woman’s body that bonds her to the man (men don’t have this by the way). The problem is, as all of those hormones are being released in her body to help her feel more bonded and closer to him, there has been hardly any time to experience the reality of the him and the 2 of you together. I’m glad you had a great time together and you are connecting! That feels amazing, but also keep perspective. You have had 1 date and 1 video chat and you are already saying he is everything you have been looking for in a man. You need more time with him to actually EXPERIENCE that about him. You already are saying that he feels like he is becoming more distant, yet you guys haven’t known each other long enough to establish what each other’s patterns are. I’m not saying he isn’t pulling back, as he very well may be. It wouldn’t be unusual for a man to disconnect after having sex with a woman he just met. Reality is, he also has no clue who you are, what you want and if it aligns with what he REALLY wants. So men will pull back to “play it safe” so to speak. So it’s a good idea to keep giving him space and see what he does. You want HIM to initiate. Are you okay waiting and letting him take the lead?
My guess is, you have an underlying fear about losing the attention of a man, whether it were him or someone else. Let’s talk a little about that. Where is this fear of losing him coming from? What experiences in your past have contributed to this feeling? On a scale of 0-10, how high would you rate yourself as being a “good catch” (0 being I don’t believe I’m a good catch at all and 10 being heck ya! I’m definitely a good catch).
Heidi
Hi Daniella,
We haven’t heard back from you, so I thought I would just check in and see how things are going. I am wondering if you went on your trip to Mammoth and what happened? We would love an update!!
Heidi
Hi Ariane,
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I will make a short response to this, but it is so much easier for us coaches to manage each person’s situation on their very own thread. Would you mind reposting this on your own thread and we can respond that way?
First, it’s important to understand that journals are not meant to be shared. Journals are the place of safety where you write everything and anything, without a filter and that’s part of why it is such a powerful tool. Being “transparent” doesn’t mean sharing EVERYTING without a filter. Whenever you share how you feel about something, it’s important to TALK (not read what you wrote) and create a discussion around it.
So here are a few questions to answer when you create your own thread:
1. What was your need to share your journal? What were you hoping to accomplish by reading that to him?
2. What is your status now with him? I’m not sure if you guys are together again or still working on maybe getting back together?
3. Do you feel he has figured out whatever he needed? Why did he need “space” to figure out his emotional struggles? Did he get help? What did he DO during this time? Meaning, did he see a therapist, did he do certain activities, or did he just take a break and did nothing specific to help him through his struggles?Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Yay! You are finding and feeling your center again! You are accepting what is and not letting your fears activate your obsessing over him. I am glad to hear you are strong in that he needs to be the one to initiate.
Of course it still would hurt terribly if you knew he was with another girl. You have a big emotional gash that takes time to heal. It IS healing, but it hasn’t healed all the way. Once it’s completely healed, you will feel indifferent. It’s okay if he finds someone else that is more important that you. You will also find someone else that is more important than him. It is not a reflection of anything other than there was better fit….not because of you not being good enough but because he wasn’t enough for you and you weren’t enough for him….just because. We all can fall in and out of love as we grow. There is no right or wrong about it and nobody to blame. It’s just a part of life.
He is moving on and so are you. You are getting used to him not being part of your every thought of every single day. You are okay without him and he is okay without you. Accepting what is happening RIGHT NOW is where you will give the relationship freedom to grow into whatever it is meant to grow into. You are doing just that and it’s wonderful!!!! Keep heading in that direction. Keep accepting that it’s over for now and let go. Trust that you will fall madly in love again, whether with him or someone else, but a reciprocal love WILL come back into your life.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
These are great questions!First, if you don’t think the therapist is really helping, find another one! There is no need to keep spending time and money with someone who you feel isn’t really helping you. When I set out to find my therapist / coach, I went through about 8 different people. I interviewed all of them first and then there were 3 different ones that I did 5 sessions with, to really get a feel about how they worked with me, until I settled on 1 that was clearly more suited to work with my specific challenges. Just because they are a therapist, doesn’t mean you have to keep sticking with them if you are not noticing any growth and progress. Find someone else.
Okay…back to your questions. Let’s discuss your plan. Here are just some ideas. Let’s start with using the SUD scale. It’s a scale from 0-10 where you subjectively rate the intensity of emotions you are having. So let’s say in this moment, you would rate your anxiety about a 3. Then something happens. Let’s say you find out again that he is spotted out and about with this new girl and they are holding hands. Your anxiety jumps to a 9. If you don’t have a plan to deal with the anxiety when it’s at that level, your anxiety will control you and you will find yourself crossing boundaries again. I like to start to REALLY focus on whenever I start to get over a 5. The moment I get to a 6, the emotion I am feeling is intense enough that it starts to disturb my life and it also means it can more easily climb to an 8, 9 or 10 and that’s what I want to avoid. So managing it BEFORE you get super triggered, if possible, is the first thing you can do. Sometimes that just isn’t possible, but either way, you have to have some tools in what I call your “emotional first aid kit.” Here are a list of ideas that you can start trying out to see if they affect your SUD rating for your fear or anxiety.
1. EFT Tapping
2. Journaling
3. Dancing the emotion
4. Talking to someone
5. Painting the emotion
6. Watching a movie where the character in the movie is struggling but works through and surpasses the struggle.
7. write a letter about how you are feeling and what you want to say and then burn it and let it go
8. exercise to get the pent up energy out of your body
9. listen to podcasts that are encouraging and motivating
10. Go to the pet store and visit some animals
11. Go volunteer and do something to help others (I once bought a dozen roses and handed them out throughout the day to complete strangers – wow! That shifted how I was feeling so quickly. Everyone else’s smile and gratitude just filled me up!)Here is an article for other tips:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-tips-to-help-manage-anxiety/
As far as asking him how he is feeling, of course it’s okay. As long as you aren’t asking questions about what he is doing, how he is doing it and when he is doing it (which have the energy of control about it) then you are in the safe zone. The safe zone questions are just questions because you want to understand him more, not gather information for your own purposes.
I’m wondering, how did you apologize to him? Sometimes, even when we apologize, we don’t say certain things that they need to hear to help them in the direction of letting go. Apologizing is actually quite the art form. Maybe we can give you some ideas you can say to him that will help a little more.
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
I am wondering why you feel you cannot be his friend? It sounds like he struggled whenever you got depressed or felt heavy feelings. Maybe that is the main reason he has pulled away. Is it not possible to still just keep in touch and keep showing him there are MANY sides to you?
Just a thought.Heidi
I think the most important part is finding yourself again. You actually have space in your life now, to even be able to date. You are having some fun. You are meeting new people, getting out into the mountains….it’s like you are bringing yourself out of the cocoon and learning how you want to relate in the world with this new version of yourself….one step at a time.
You should sign up for Arielle’s email list. She has a 30 minute video that follow which talks about the specifics of how to attract a soul mate and she talks about how to use her coloring book. It was such an interesting concept! Haven’t hear that one before, but it makes sense. I use adult coloring books all of the time, to help calm my mind. Her video might offer a perspective for you.
I know you want to find your person long term. Give it time. The more you are able to be in a space of feeling complete and whole without a man and not “wanting” one or desiring one in order to feel complete, you are heading in a more effective and powerful direction. when you attract a man from a “wanting” mindset, you can really attract lower functioning guys and that’s not what you want. That’s why continuing to live your life the way you are choosing is sooo important. You are choosing to still feed your soul, get your needs met, learn about the new and evolving you and filling yourself from the inside out. A guy will come along eventually, but it really feels like this is a really good time for you to continue getting to know the new you.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
Man, I feel the struggle your guy is going through. His parents didn’t respond very well. Instead of wanting to understand what he is going through, they just lectured him and increased their control over him. This is what happens when you try to control a situation as a parent, as a girlfriend, as anyone. It is so harmful to the people involved. He gets to figure this out though. He will be okay and he will find who he is in the middle of everyone around him trying to tell him how to be or what to do. You guys are at that age where you are developing that part of yourself. Many challenges like this will show up and each time, you get the opportunity to learn who you are going to be in the middle of everyone else.
One of the best ways you can support him through something of this nature, is to remind him of who he is. No matter how people view him, or what other people are saying or doing to mess with his personal world, he is strong, resilient, intelligent etc. Remind him of his best self. This will be far from the last time he will go through this, so as all of this messiness is showing up, he is being strengthened. Showing him that you TRUST his process and have confidence in him that he will figure this out, is one of the best gifts you could give him. He needs that right now. You may have already done all of that, but just wanted to say it, just in case. It’s a season of struggle for both you. It’s a season of growing pains for both of you. I wish I could make it better for you guys, but like that butterfly story, you need to go through struggle so you can face the adult world with strong wings and be able to fly.
I’m glad to hear you are going to choose to back off. Please try the tapping when you start to feel anxiety. I know it may seem silly, but it’s actually a really powerful technique and works wonders on anxiety. If you want to build trust with him again, you need to show him that you are going to respect his space, his pace, his life, his decisions. Doing all of that is going to push all of your insecurity buttons, so what is your plan on how to manage all of that??? You need a plan, otherwise you fall back into your old pattern and be seriously tempted to take control again and cross boundaries. What is your plan?
Heidi
I decided to join her emailing list…she had about a 30 minute video and talked about the coloring book she created. It was such an unusual and interesting concept. I decided to order a few for my friends and myself. I have a few adult coloring books that I use as a form of meditation, so to speak…a way to help my overthinking / analyzing brain to calm down a bit. It’s a great idea she has!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
It really is so baffling to me how people feel okay being sooooo rude, inconsiderate, abusive, harmful, critical towards another person…for whatever reason. You are right….they are just sitting behind their computer screen spewing off their opinions, being judgmental or harmful or saying one thing and doing another…..all for a power fix, because they are so depleted in their own lives. I too feel so very sad for those kind of people.
For some reason, this woman is coming back into my life with her work as I keep growing and evolving myself and my passion, so I thought I would share her website with you. You might like her! She has a specific approach to finding your soulmate. Just something to add to your toolbox 🙂
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
You should go back to the very beginning and re-read some of the things you have written. You DEFINITELY have changed. Sometimes, it’s so subtle you don’t even notice, but I completely agree with Kanya. Your ability to receive is much higher, you have a stronger connection to yourself and your value and more of what you are saying these days is on the positive end vs. everything you don’t have. You are growing and shifting for sure!!!
Just something to think about….even though you didn’t have a relationship with your mom, don’t be surprised if you still end up grieving at some point. I haven’t spoken to my father in 15 years, but death finalizes everything. It’s pretty normal for our “inner child” to cry because now that mom or dad is gone, there goes the dream of ever having a mom or dad to love you. Your adult wouldn’t feel that way, but the little girl inside of you would grieve, because she doesn’t ever get to have her mommy love her the way she always wanted. This may or may not come up for you, but I at least wanted to mention it so you can just be aware if you do find yourself having feelings at some point about the loss of your mom.
I’ve never heard of Our Time. I think that is actually a pretty spectacular idea to limit how much you can write! Interesting! We definitely look forward to hearing about your Starbucks coffee date.
I love how much you live your life Rhonda. You really are out there and having so much fun in your life in many different ways! You are inspiring!
I thought I would share this website with you. I like this woman a lot and thought maybe you would respond to what she says…maybe not, but who knows….just throwing it out there.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
Wow….a lot has happened!
I’m glad there is movement and things are shifting a bit. Even though it’s not exactly what you want, at least you guys are talking about everything.
Do you see how your need to control everything is taking over your life again?? You talking to that other girl was HUGELY crossing a boundary. It was not your place. You stepped in and took control of the situation vs. letting him do it the way he wanted. That was not okay, but it’s a good learning experience for you to see what lengths you are willing to go to in order to have control in a situation. It’s important information to know about yourself.
Let’s see if this time around, you can practice letting go of your need to control just a little bit more. I would suggest staying completely away from talking about the other girl and him. Let him be him and step out of trying to push him into something. Step out of trying to “be together forever.” Can you work on finding your peace and letting go of how and when and what to talk about? Can you let HIM take the lead and you follow??? One of the main characteristics of great leaders, is that they have the ability to follow. You were getting to the point where you were following well…you were taking care of yourself, you were praying more, you were finding peace in giving him space and then you lost yourself and your need for control completely took over can caused harm. So now that you know this is who you can be, you can watch yourself better this next time around. What can you do to calm that voice and need you have to take over the situation and force what you want to have happen?
You guys will talk about things when it’s the right time. Trust that there will be many moments where you will get to ask him questions, listen to his process and find out where he sits with everything. How and what to say….all of that will come to you when the conversation starts to happen. What I always encourage people to do, first and foremost, is have a spirit of curiosity about the other person. Ask questions from a place of wanting to understand the depths of what they are they going through. Repeat back what you hear and then ask more questions. It’s a really wonderful way for someone to feel safe exposing themselves emotionally with someone. When they feel you are curious and non judgmental, you will create a safe space for him to open up to whatever level he is ready for. Hopefully this helps give you a general idea about how to approach things.
As far as your boundaries about the other girl, you can just say something super simple like, “Listen. I know she still exists. I just have a boundary that I will not want to work on anything until that door is closed with her. So whenever you are ready to work on things with me again, you can let me know by saying, I want to fight for us. When you say that phrase to me, that let’s me know you have closed the door and ready to take our next adventure together. Until then, I will give you space to workout whatever you need to workout. I won’t ask or talk about her.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
