[Heidi G]

Hi Natalie,

Let’s look at your worst fear. You might lose this guy.

First, that very well could happen, even after 20 years! Reality of love, dating, relationships is that it is a risk. There is no way around it. There are no guarantees. You could do everything perfect and you could still lose him. He could also lose you. Who knows! Can you embrace that truth?

I know he checks all of your boxes theoretically. You still need to see him in action and he needs to see you in action. What you don’t know about him, which is CRUCIAL, is how he handles stress in his life. How does he treat you when he is angry and hurt? How does he treat people around him when they disappoint him? How does he handle powerlessness in his life? So you actually don’t know if he checks all of the boxes. You know he checks the positive boxes, but you don’t know who he is in his worst…and that is the foundation of any relationship and whether or not it has sustainability. You haven’t even confronted him yet about something you need from him or how you are feeling. How does he respond to your needs? So again, slow yourself down and keep perspective. You are worried you might lose him, but you barely know this guy to even KNOW THROUGH EXPERIENCE if this guy is worth keeping. You don’t know if he is safe to hold your very sacred and precious heart in his hands.

One way that I like to deal with my fears about something is reminding myself of the 1 thing that matters most. No matter how the other person behaves or the decisions they make I WILL BE OKAY! So if you do lose this guy, you KNOW you can get through it. You have a therapist you have worked with, you have already endured some very horrible things in your life and you are stronger for it. If you lose this guy, can you not become stronger from it? You are someone who grows and learns and seeks help. You can get through ANYTHING in life when that is your formula! So when that fear starts to come up and you start to worry, remind yourself, “I will be okay. I am resilient, I am strong, I can get through anything. I am not alone and I have help….” Does this make sense?

You are doing a great job with keeping distance and letting him initiate for right now. So keep this up. Most men get so bombarded by women wanting to control the speed and connection…which is usually a lot faster than men’s speed….so keep taking a step back and give him space. He will appreciate that! He needs to feel like he has to work for you and you need to feel like you are being chased. It’s a wonderful process in the beginning. It taps into our very nature and we are living more from an instinctive place, which flows really well between men and women when they let it be this way. Have fun with it!!! Does this help?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nikita,

I am so sorry for what you are going through! It’s so difficult to be so connected and then one day, have them walk out. It’s awful and it actually very unkind with the way he handled everything. My guess is, he found someone else or something happened in his life that caused him to pull away. Either way, it doesn’t matter. He was being inauthentic with you in the end did not care about your heart very well.

Are you willing to let him go? When a guy bails so quickly and then keeps ignoring, it really means that he is done. I want to encourage you to embrace that. I know it’s hard and it’s all confusing and it hurts, but bottom line is, it hurts way to let him go than to be in relationship with a guy who so carelessly handled your heart.

Are you willing to let him go? Or do you believe he is the man of your dreams and you will do anything to get him back?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Danelle,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. It is so awful to feel so powerless in a relationship. I imagine there is nothing “right” you can do to make him happy. Truth is, it’s actually not your responsibility to make him happy. He is blaming you for his unhappiness and that makes me so very sad for both of you.

I am wondering a few things….

1. If he is so miserable, what is stopping him from actually following through with a divorce?
2. Why do you love him?
3. Have you guys ever tried counseling?

I know you want this to work, but it doesn’t sound like it has ever worked and getting married hasn’t helped in the way you wanted. With how he is talking to you, is being verbally abusive and blaming you for everything….which has a strong narcissistic flavor to it. These are things that will always be there, so it’s important for you to realize that this cycle you both are participating in, will only get worse. You CANNOT make him happy. That is his job, not yours and there is NOTHING you can do to make him face what is in him. He has to be willing to do that himself. From the sounds of it, he just isn’t that kind of guy.

So I’m wondering what is inside of YOU, that would keep you connected and loving a man who is verbally abusive and narcissistic and unhappy. What is keeping you connected to a person like that? I have no doubt he has positive qualities….we all do! That is not enough to keep loving someone. We also have to be able to love the worst in them and feel emotionally safe with them, even in their worst moments in life. His “shadow” side is harmful to you. He is not a man you can be emotionally safe with. Is this similar to your father or mother or siblings?? other men you have dated before him?? Are you willing to look at this inside of yourself?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Marzena,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can feel how much you want him back.

It sounds like he is really struggling in his life. People that are easily agitated and negative are very unhappy people. Imagine that we all have a big can that holds all of our challenges throughout our life. When that can gets filled to the top, everything and anything can trigger intense responses…negativity, anger, misery, deep depression, aggression. When someone is at that point, they have no capacity for a loving and healthy relationship because they are soooooo consumed by all the negative emotions they have never dealt with throughout their life. His can is full and you want him to think about having a loving relationship with you??? He needs to deal with everything he is feeling or there are going to be more serious consequences down the road.

I know you love him and want him back, but the reality is, he is not an emotionally healthy person and he will only get worse. He is not who he used to be. Let me reflect back to you the person you are describing him to be RIGHT NOW:

1. Complains about my daughter
2. Complains about his brothers and other people
3. Not affectionate
4. He cheated on you for an entire year
5. Aggressive and negative
6. Doesn’t know what he wants
7. Doesn’t talk to me or answers my calls
The good? He does favors for you around the house and hugs and kisses you before he leaves.

If you had a friends that said all of this to you….what would you tell her???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Morgan,

This is all great stuff!!! I really am sooooo proud of you as you are working yourself through all of this! There is NOTHING easy about any of this and you BOTH are learning and growing….which is the most important aspect of all of this.

You are doing a really good thing by allowing him the space to reach out to you when he is ready! Now you get to see where he is REALLY at vs. him responding to pressure to you. Again, this is crucial for him to feel this and for you to experience. When you let go and stop pressuring and forcing and controlling, peace can exist….even if there is anxiety, it will co-exist with more peace and flow of the whole situation.

As far as your apology, there was nothing wrong with it at all. The way I like to teach people to apologize is the most effective way. It’s a 2 part kind of apology which is really powerful. Part one is acknowledging their experience and apologizing for the harm you caused. Part 2 is talking about what you learned about yourself and how you are going to work more with that part of yourself so you don’t cause more harm in the future. Part 2 is what most people miss, but it’s actually the most important. Saying sorry is one thing, but to take it serious enough to want to work yourself to no longer cause harm to others…that takes it to a different level that lets the person really see that you care. If they are your partner, best friend or someone very close to your inner world, it’s comforting for them to know you are taking action and gonna work on yourself so you prevent it from happening again. It’s comforting for them to know you see the depths of what influenced your behavior. It helps them understand you more. Does this make sense?
You don’t need to necessarily apologize again, but you can bring it up at some point saying, “You know…I want you to know that you breaking up with me all the messiness we are going through….I am learning about myself. I am seeing how much my anxiety and need for control is running my life. If I am going to be the best kind of partner to you, I have to face that part of myself. I needed to mess up that badly to see how serious it is….so I just want you to know that I am grateful. This whole thing is helping me become stronger from the inside.”

When he called and said those things like “you can hang up if you don’t want to talk” or “I know you may think I’m horrible….” all he is telling you is how he feels about himself right now. He is judging himself pretty harshly right now and he is reaching out to you, to try to help him out and counteract how horrible he feels. So next time, and even in between, you can really help by telling him about his BEST self. I call it “talking to their higher self or best self.” So when he says something to that effect, you can say something like….I know you are really struggling with yourself right now and the decisions you have made. Despite all of that and even despite the hurt it has caused in me, I still see you as loving, caring, intelligent and the person that makes me feel the best version of myself. I love ALL of you, not just the best parts of you. Even in your messiness, I have no doubt you deeply care and that is one of my very favorite parts about knowing you. You have an incredibly beautiful heart that has forever changed my life.” You get the idea….does this make sense??? Again, when he says stuff like that, even if you wanna keep it short, you could say “YES! I wanna talk to you! I love talking to you. You always make me smile.” and “I actually think that despite all the messiness in both of us right now, you are incredible man…the best man that I know. I know you feel horrible and gross, but that doesn’t change that you have the most beautiful heart I have ever known.” Basically, you want to remind him of his BEST qualities when he is feeling and focusing on his worst. Does this help?

I think him telling you about that girl who wrote down that phone number has 2 purposes….1) to try and build trust and show you that he is making the “right” decision this time and 2) he is wanting you to fight for him. When we know someone else wants out person, it activates our need to fight for them many times. It’s a typical human response. He is feeling so bad about himself right now that he is wanting SOMEONE to fight for him to help him feel better. Don’t get sucked into that though. He needs to rescue himself and you need to let him develop that skillset.

Again…it’s such an honor that you are allowing us to be part of your process! Thank you for all you are sharing and your courage to be vulnerable, honest and take the very hard truths we have shared with you here. I have a lot of respect for you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Morgan,

Gosh! You are sounding very grounded again! Well done!! I’m glad to hear you are doing all of those different things. Keep doing it!! You are learning how to manage your fears, your anxiety and not being in control. You HAVE to strengthen those muscles in order to handle life in a healthy and respectful way for yourself and those around you.

Keep giving him space. Do not contact him. Let him come to you. If he asked for a lunch, let him reach out and make the plans. This is part of you letting go of control and letting the man lead…which is so hugely important. It’s learning to let a man work for your beautiful and sacred heart. This principal applies with him or any other guy you end up dating in the future. It’s good for him to “hunt” and it’s so good for you to be “chased.” So let go of control again and again an again and know that it is really healthy for you!

No more asking him questions. Take a step back and see who he REALLY is, without you pushing or probing or inserting yourself in some way. Take a step back and see him from different eyes. Take a step back and give him room to breathe and you can see who he REALLY is, without you influencing him.

As far as your apology, I always like to teach people to apologize in a way that teaches the other person about themselves. This actually will help the other person know you have DEEPLY thought about your choices and that you are taking action to ensure you are growing and learning from your mistake.

For example, “I am heartsick and embarrassed with how I handled my hurt and anxiety. With this breakup, I am really realizing how high my need is to control the situation and you. I didn’t know it was this bad, but now I do. I went to the extremes of completely crossing your boundaries and being entirely inappropriate. Wow! I would rather know this about myself now, so I can start learn new skills to handle my anxiety and need for control. As much as I am so sorry that you got very hurt in my messiness, I’m really glad it happened, so I can know where my weaknesses are. I never want to handle a situation like this again, so I have some work to do on myself, don’t I? Again, I am so sorry that I hurt you because of my insecurities and messiness. I know it’s a reality of life and relationship and it sucks. I will make the best of it though. I will learn and grow from this and I will turn this embarrassment into growth.”

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Vino,

Those chemicals are pretty strong aren’t they? They can completely consume a person, even though they haven’t met each other.

First and foremost, it’s so crucial you really keep yourself in reality. Everything you feel about him is based on chemicals being released in your body, because you feel attraction…your attraction is NOT based in reality of time and experience WITH him.

Second, I absolutely would encourage you to meet in person. I don’t care what he says about how women take advantage of him and throw themselves at him, so he is cautious. Everything you have told me so far that he has said, has HUGE ALARM bells ringing in my head. First, there is nothing wrong with meeting for a short coffee or tea and make it a super light meeting. Talking for too long and creating a connection through words on a screen is NOT reality. If he is THAT scared to meet in person, then that’s a problem. He is either not who he really says he is or he is quite fragile. I’ve heard so many stories of men and women using online dating as a platform and saying things similar to what your guy is saying and when they get pushed to meet in person for the first time, they bail.

So I suggest to get a reality check NOW. You guys have communicated enough now to know there is an attraction, but you need to see each other in person to validate that, otherwise you are just wasting your time and you will keep building this fantasy of who he is. I remember this one guy where we talked a ton over text, even on the phone and after about 3 weeks, we were able to meet up in person. The moment I saw him, I ABSOLUTELY had no attraction towards him. He was such a great guy, but it just wasn’t there….for either of us actually. With online dating, I always suggest to talk for a bit and then meet up sooner than later, before you or him gets swept off your feet by the fantasy that gets starts to get fed.

If he keeps stalling or pushing you off saying he is busy with work, or he keeps rescheduling, then know there is something not right. If he has time to message you all day, he has time to meet you. If he is so busy with work and doesn’t have time to meet up for a quick coffee date, what is he doing on a dating app then? Push him to meet in person and see what happens.

Thoughts?

Heidi

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Hi Brittany,

Welcome! We are glad you are here!

Would you be willing to share more information?

Is there a reason you wouldn’t believe that he says exactly what he means? Do you not trust his words? Are you thinking it means something more or different than what he is saying?

What is happening in your relationship that would make you come here and ask for clarification on what it means when he says this to you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalie!

Welcome! We are glad you are here asking some great questions!

First, I would like to encourage you to slow down. You have only been on one date with the guy and also had sex with him. Sex, in and of itself, releases a TON of hormones in a woman’s body that bonds her to the man (men don’t have this by the way). The problem is, as all of those hormones are being released in her body to help her feel more bonded and closer to him, there has been hardly any time to experience the reality of the him and the 2 of you together. I’m glad you had a great time together and you are connecting! That feels amazing, but also keep perspective. You have had 1 date and 1 video chat and you are already saying he is everything you have been looking for in a man. You need more time with him to actually EXPERIENCE that about him. You already are saying that he feels like he is becoming more distant, yet you guys haven’t known each other long enough to establish what each other’s patterns are. I’m not saying he isn’t pulling back, as he very well may be. It wouldn’t be unusual for a man to disconnect after having sex with a woman he just met. Reality is, he also has no clue who you are, what you want and if it aligns with what he REALLY wants. So men will pull back to “play it safe” so to speak. So it’s a good idea to keep giving him space and see what he does. You want HIM to initiate. Are you okay waiting and letting him take the lead?

My guess is, you have an underlying fear about losing the attention of a man, whether it were him or someone else. Let’s talk a little about that. Where is this fear of losing him coming from? What experiences in your past have contributed to this feeling? On a scale of 0-10, how high would you rate yourself as being a “good catch” (0 being I don’t believe I’m a good catch at all and 10 being heck ya! I’m definitely a good catch).

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Daniella,

We haven’t heard back from you, so I thought I would just check in and see how things are going. I am wondering if you went on your trip to Mammoth and what happened? We would love an update!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ariane,

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I will make a short response to this, but it is so much easier for us coaches to manage each person’s situation on their very own thread. Would you mind reposting this on your own thread and we can respond that way?

First, it’s important to understand that journals are not meant to be shared. Journals are the place of safety where you write everything and anything, without a filter and that’s part of why it is such a powerful tool. Being “transparent” doesn’t mean sharing EVERYTING without a filter. Whenever you share how you feel about something, it’s important to TALK (not read what you wrote) and create a discussion around it.

So here are a few questions to answer when you create your own thread:

1. What was your need to share your journal? What were you hoping to accomplish by reading that to him?
2. What is your status now with him? I’m not sure if you guys are together again or still working on maybe getting back together?
3. Do you feel he has figured out whatever he needed? Why did he need “space” to figure out his emotional struggles? Did he get help? What did he DO during this time? Meaning, did he see a therapist, did he do certain activities, or did he just take a break and did nothing specific to help him through his struggles?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

Yay! You are finding and feeling your center again! You are accepting what is and not letting your fears activate your obsessing over him. I am glad to hear you are strong in that he needs to be the one to initiate.

Of course it still would hurt terribly if you knew he was with another girl. You have a big emotional gash that takes time to heal. It IS healing, but it hasn’t healed all the way. Once it’s completely healed, you will feel indifferent. It’s okay if he finds someone else that is more important that you. You will also find someone else that is more important than him. It is not a reflection of anything other than there was better fit….not because of you not being good enough but because he wasn’t enough for you and you weren’t enough for him….just because. We all can fall in and out of love as we grow. There is no right or wrong about it and nobody to blame. It’s just a part of life.

He is moving on and so are you. You are getting used to him not being part of your every thought of every single day. You are okay without him and he is okay without you. Accepting what is happening RIGHT NOW is where you will give the relationship freedom to grow into whatever it is meant to grow into. You are doing just that and it’s wonderful!!!! Keep heading in that direction. Keep accepting that it’s over for now and let go. Trust that you will fall madly in love again, whether with him or someone else, but a reciprocal love WILL come back into your life.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Morgan,
These are great questions!

First, if you don’t think the therapist is really helping, find another one! There is no need to keep spending time and money with someone who you feel isn’t really helping you. When I set out to find my therapist / coach, I went through about 8 different people. I interviewed all of them first and then there were 3 different ones that I did 5 sessions with, to really get a feel about how they worked with me, until I settled on 1 that was clearly more suited to work with my specific challenges. Just because they are a therapist, doesn’t mean you have to keep sticking with them if you are not noticing any growth and progress. Find someone else.

Okay…back to your questions. Let’s discuss your plan. Here are just some ideas. Let’s start with using the SUD scale. It’s a scale from 0-10 where you subjectively rate the intensity of emotions you are having. So let’s say in this moment, you would rate your anxiety about a 3. Then something happens. Let’s say you find out again that he is spotted out and about with this new girl and they are holding hands. Your anxiety jumps to a 9. If you don’t have a plan to deal with the anxiety when it’s at that level, your anxiety will control you and you will find yourself crossing boundaries again. I like to start to REALLY focus on whenever I start to get over a 5. The moment I get to a 6, the emotion I am feeling is intense enough that it starts to disturb my life and it also means it can more easily climb to an 8, 9 or 10 and that’s what I want to avoid. So managing it BEFORE you get super triggered, if possible, is the first thing you can do. Sometimes that just isn’t possible, but either way, you have to have some tools in what I call your “emotional first aid kit.” Here are a list of ideas that you can start trying out to see if they affect your SUD rating for your fear or anxiety.

1. EFT Tapping
2. Journaling
3. Dancing the emotion
4. Talking to someone
5. Painting the emotion
6. Watching a movie where the character in the movie is struggling but works through and surpasses the struggle.
7. write a letter about how you are feeling and what you want to say and then burn it and let it go
8. exercise to get the pent up energy out of your body
9. listen to podcasts that are encouraging and motivating
10. Go to the pet store and visit some animals
11. Go volunteer and do something to help others (I once bought a dozen roses and handed them out throughout the day to complete strangers – wow! That shifted how I was feeling so quickly. Everyone else’s smile and gratitude just filled me up!)

Here is an article for other tips:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-tips-to-help-manage-anxiety/

As far as asking him how he is feeling, of course it’s okay. As long as you aren’t asking questions about what he is doing, how he is doing it and when he is doing it (which have the energy of control about it) then you are in the safe zone. The safe zone questions are just questions because you want to understand him more, not gather information for your own purposes.

I’m wondering, how did you apologize to him? Sometimes, even when we apologize, we don’t say certain things that they need to hear to help them in the direction of letting go. Apologizing is actually quite the art form. Maybe we can give you some ideas you can say to him that will help a little more.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Angelica,

I am wondering why you feel you cannot be his friend? It sounds like he struggled whenever you got depressed or felt heavy feelings. Maybe that is the main reason he has pulled away. Is it not possible to still just keep in touch and keep showing him there are MANY sides to you?
Just a thought.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I think the most important part is finding yourself again. You actually have space in your life now, to even be able to date. You are having some fun. You are meeting new people, getting out into the mountains….it’s like you are bringing yourself out of the cocoon and learning how you want to relate in the world with this new version of yourself….one step at a time.

You should sign up for Arielle’s email list. She has a 30 minute video that follow which talks about the specifics of how to attract a soul mate and she talks about how to use her coloring book. It was such an interesting concept! Haven’t hear that one before, but it makes sense. I use adult coloring books all of the time, to help calm my mind. Her video might offer a perspective for you.

I know you want to find your person long term. Give it time. The more you are able to be in a space of feeling complete and whole without a man and not “wanting” one or desiring one in order to feel complete, you are heading in a more effective and powerful direction. when you attract a man from a “wanting” mindset, you can really attract lower functioning guys and that’s not what you want. That’s why continuing to live your life the way you are choosing is sooo important. You are choosing to still feed your soul, get your needs met, learn about the new and evolving you and filling yourself from the inside out. A guy will come along eventually, but it really feels like this is a really good time for you to continue getting to know the new you.

Heidi

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