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Hi Sarah,
I’m glad you are here! There is a lot to talk through about your situation. I can see why you are feeling a bit confused, so let’s dig through everything and see if you can find more clarity.
I want more from him, but I am unsure if I want to be in a committed relationship. What “more” do you want, exactly?
I am scared that by casually sleeping with this guy, I am setting myself up to be hurt again and sabotaging my well-being. Well done for doing the healing work after that unhealthy relationship you were in! It definitely is normal to feel fear as you enter into ANY agreement with someone. There is no way to avoid being hurt again, as that is just a part of dating. I can tell you from a lot of experience, that friends with benefits is a tricky design, especially the older you get. It’s tricky because women and experience “casual” in very different ways. I will tell you that it’s pretty impossible NOT to start to want more, when you connect as much as you guys do. With the daily texting combined with great sex, combined with open communication…that’s a recipe for a relationship. Casual typically means occasional texting, occasional sex, and dating other people. So although you guys call it casual, the behavior doesn’t align with that. So it IS a confusing situation because neither of you is really clear about what you want.
he stated after placing the “girlfriend” label, everything changes. This is a red flag here. This statement tells me that this guy has a hard time forgiving. He is placing you, and every other woman, in the same category as the woman or women who hurt him in the past. He hasn’t moved on, but instead has held onto whatever story he has about what happened and is using it to “protect” himself from going through it again. We all do this on some level, right? We all enter into relationships with past baggage, but the difference is, being aware of it, owning it and working on it OR make a statement like this guy who is avoiding doing the work to let go of th past. His statement is a victim statement. He is pointing the finger at the women saying it’s “their” fault instead of taking ownership for his side of things. BE CAREFUL! You just spent 6 years doing A LOT of work and A LOT of healing to let go of your past. You NEED to match with a guy who would be willing to do the same work on himself and I’m guessing he is not that type of guy. Has he ever worked with a therapist? Is he the type to face his fears, his hurt, his choices head on and take ownership of them? When this happens, things are great between us, but once he feels like he is becoming too close to me, he pulls away. Just curious, has he directly said this or is this an observation? Whenever you come across this type of behavior in other, or in yourself, you are dealing with a “split.” This just means that one part of him feels one way and another part feels another way and those parts will constantly be changing who is in the driver’s seat. There are a lot of different reasons for “splits” but one thing is true always….there isn’t unity, there isn’t alignment, there isn’t clarity – and when alignment is not present, it’s always confusing. Words and actions don’t align, or they do and then they don’t and it just becomes frustrating. Do you really want more from a guy who is already confused about you? You say that you don’t want to sabotage your well-being, yet your heart is getting involved with a guy who is emotionally unavailable – which is guaranteed heart break. Anyone who is “split” is emotionally unavailable. You deserve a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you, be with you, spend his day with you, share everything with you, be incredibly excited to get to be with you and most of all, a guy who does his own work! Your heart, your body, your soul, your heart, your being IS VALUABLE!!!! You are a sacred, beautiful person – Do you feel this guy sees you this way? Do you feel this guy has the skillset, knowledge, and emotional intelligence to hold your beautiful heart in his hands and WANT to take care of it??? Just some things to think about.
Heidi
LOL. Well, there is always A LOT to talk about, so let me know if you come up with any other questions or other thoughts you want to bounce around.
Heidi
In my case, my parents were so consistent and immediate that I sometimes expect if someone cares deeply about me, they will meet my needs. This makes a lot of sense. Sometimes, when parents meet too many of the needs, the child doesn’t develop a skillset of self soothing and independence and results in becoming co-dependent into adult years. It’s rare, as most parents end up being neglectful and super harmful, so I’m glad you got to experience the opposite, even though it brought you some challenges!
I just wanted to circle back to my question on choosing to be exclusive as a stepping stone to choosing to be in a relationship. If a man suggests this again in the future, what are ways you would suggest to handle that situation? I suggest that you set your own standards and what is comfortable for you. Personally, I am not interested in being exclusive with a guy who isn’t going to commit. Actually, that’s how most people function…exclusivity IS commitment (to most people) – so the way your guy was thinking, is very unusual and although it makes sense to him, it’s not very typical. I doubt you will run into this type of thinking again. Regardless, this is about YOU setting your standards and what you feel comfortable with and then supporting your standards when someone bumps up against them. I know you felt a strong connection with this guy and you went along with HIS way of thinking, but look how it ended up making you feel. You felt uncertain, you felt confused and you were wondering quite a bit, right? There was no real understanding between you guys. Although there was exclusivity, it didn’t change the confusion you felt. So I personally would say to a guy who wanted exclusivity but NO commitment, is I would say something like, “Okay! I understand this is how you want to get to know me. It’s not what is comfortable for me though. I will not close the doors to any other experience until we BOTH agree to commit and take our connection to the next level. So until that point, I will date you in a way that feels comfortable for me. I may decide to only focus my attention on you, or I may decide to go on other dates as well. I don’t know, but I will allow myself the freedom to decide, while we are getting to know each other. Is that okay for you?” That’s ME though. Those are MY standards, so you have to decide what feels good for you and not negotiate that away. The moment you start to negotiate away your needs in order to stay connected to a guy, you are betraying yourself – and that is NOT how you want to enter into a relationship. Does this help?
Heidi
I’m not sure how to quote unquote forgive This is a tricky and sticky subject for a lot of people. It’s very layered and can be quite the process, but it’s always do-able. I have yet to find a situation or person that I am not able to forgive. It begins with a choice that forgiveness is what you want. Forgiveness means you are letting go of the negative feelings/thoughts/energy towards the person and situation…including yourself in the equation. It does not mean forgetting…remembering is VERY important so you can keep protecting yourself, if need be. So let’s take the narcissist who destroys your work…forgiving that person is very important – letting go of any hurt, anger, frustration, betrayal etc. about that person and the situation – forgiving yourself for not being able to get your needs met like being able to protect yourself, keep your job, be seen for who you really are, being accepted and supported, be acknowledged for the good work you do etc…all the while, still remembering that this person is who they are and they will continue to do the same things, so protecting yourself is important too, as that is a loving thing to do for yourself.
So again, forgiveness begins with WANTING to let go of the anger, hurt, resentment etc. This sometimes can be tough, because our egos will want to hold onto those heavy feelings as a way of protecting our hearts. The process of forgiving is different for each person and each situation. I have several different approaches I use, depending on the situation. I have written angry letters and burned them, I have thrown eggs at a drawing or picture of someone, I have yelled into my pillow everything I wish I could say – so I basically begin by acknowledging and feeling my feelings in a safe and healthy way and then I let it go when I feel complete and make the very conscious choice to let go of the energy. I like using the Ho’oponopono prayer: I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. It’s a powerful ancient Hawaiin prayer for forgiveness. It’s much more extensive, but that’s the simple version. Here is a link if you want to learn a little more…https://hooponoponomiracle.com/ho-oponopono-hawaiian-forgiveness-prayer/
Most of the time, I am able to forgive through my methods, but sometimes, I need some help because I am triggered on a deeper level and I am wanting to hold onto my anger and my revengeful thoughts. I have a coach who holds me accountable and helps me work through a sticky situation that I am not able to release and let go of.
Does this help give you a starting point?
I love everything you are doing to care for yourself. Doing those kinds of “acts of self-love” on a daily basis, are really really important. What do you do to support and care for yourself when you’ve been hurt? This is the hardest kind of self-love, but extremely important. For example, I journal, I talk to the hurting part of myself and offer comforting words, I go into nature and do walking meditations / nature bathing, I make many lists of everything I am grateful for…there are so many ways to care for your hurting heart. This book has some good techniques to help during stressful times: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
This is also a technique I use ALL THE TIME to help lessen the pain and hurt: https://eftuniverse.com/
I don’t know what you consider “affordable” so it’s hard to refer you to someone. Here is a great resource though, where all the books and programs are about healing, self-love, self-care etc.: https://www.hayhouse.com/ Browse through and see if anything or anyone seems to resonate for you and then learn what they are offering. Over the many years, I’ve had many, many teachers – some in person and some through their books or programs. I am always learning and growing and exploring everything out there – some stuff works amazingly well for my system and some have little impact and that’s how we learn about ourselves and what works – go explore and experiment.
On YouTube there are doctors saying you should never call out a narcissist and that basically they always shoot the messenger, which I have found to be true. But the alternative would have been working at a job where I was constantly anxious about my work being dismantled by the narcissist, which wouldn’t have been a doable situation for me because it took all the joy out of what I was doing and also didn’t make any sense for me to do the work if it was fine for someone just to come along and destroy it. Well…I understand why this is being said by those doctors – calling out a narcissist will not solve or change anything and most of the time will invite more harm into your life. AND…there is a point where you have to stand up to yourself as well…which is what you did. I’m not sure how you went about it, but regardless, it wasn’t feeling good to you and felt you needed to take action – so well done! You may have gotten fired, but it doesn’t sound like it was a job that was really supportive of you anyways. Now you have an opportunity to find a place that values and appreciates you! You deserve that!!!
but the local crisis center has said that they are interested in working with me to potentially host a support group for that. That’s really exciting, so I’m going to pursue it. This is fabulous!!!! Lord knows, you have PLENTY of experience and what a beautiful way to invite people together to learn a new skillset about how to navigate challenging people. One thing my friend does – and it’s changed everything for her – is she trained herself and her brain to associate bad looks, gossip or any of that crap, with a person who is in pain and needs some love. So if she gets a dirty look, she trained herself to instantly send them love from her heart. When someone gossiped about her, she imagined bubbles full of love, going around all the words and that when and if those words were spread, love would go with them – and then she sent love to the person. The truth is, anyone spreading hate, gossip, harm etc. – they are people that are deeply hurting and don’t know how to find their way out of it. It’s not an excuse by any means, but we all know what it feels like to be in so much pain, right? I can find compassion for someone’s pain and send them love and let the rest go. All that nastiness activates love in my friend’s heart now….not that she is perfect at it and it did take some time, but now…she is a completely different person and laughs so much more and she doesn’t let the negativity steal her joy. So if you can create a group of people who go out into the community and spread the love, that will definitely impact the yucky narcissism – you can make a HUGE impact and it sounds like you are excited about it too…even better!
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
I am so sorry to hear how things turned out for you. I know how badly you wanted things to really work out. I am glad you are okay too! ER visits are so scary.
Good job for saying no and disconnecting right away! That’s a huge first step. Loneliness can very easily cause a person to lower their standards just so they don’t have to feel lonely….which usually ends up being a big mess.
You have definitely been dealt a tough hand Jadene and my heart goes out to you. I have a friend who also has a lot of similar experiences as you where complete strangers just give her dirty looks and women, in particular, end up really going after her. It steals the joy out of the day and makes me so sad that people feel the need to cause harm and feel justified to cast their judgment onto someone else. Those kinds of people are very asleep and very unhappy. No one deserves to be treated the way people have treated you – it doesn’t matter what you have or have not done, the way we are going to heal all of this separation and judgment “disease” is to forgive and stop dishing out the hate – regardless of someone else’s actions or choices. I have lived through years of the darkest, most evil kind of acts people can do and I forgave and released it…and any time I get triggered again, I forgive again…because I don’t want what all those people did to me, to ruin the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that is not the outlook that most people have. Most people want to hold onto their anger, feel justified in their judgments and spread the toxicity…and then they affect you. I’m so sorry.
What kind of help would you like? The best guidance I could give you is to continue finding ways to clear all the pain and find the places you have not forgiven and still holding onto hurt. I have found that talk therapy is the least effective form of therapy for clearing the deep hurt. Have you ever tried EMDR or Brainspotting or hypnotherapy or IFS therapy?
I’m curious…how would you describe yourself? If you were writing a profile to meet new people (just friends, not romance) how would you describe yourself? On a scale of 0-10, 10 being the most loving, what number would you rate how much you love yourself overall?
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
Welcome! We are glad you are here! There is a lot to unpack here. First, it’s INCREDIBLY frustrating for anyone to be putting in more of the effort in the beginning, so I get your struggle. The things is…I don’t think I know anyone who hasn’t had some challenging experiences with dating. The way dating goes down these days…it’s more difficult than fun – the online world changed all of that…so for him to use that excuse is basically saying…I’m going to put all my past experiences of crap onto you and play it safe – instead of allowing you to have a clean slate and allow you to show him who YOU are. His fear is getting in the way, right? With that being said, we ALL come to the table with that kind of baggage, right? Fears from our past, but the difference between you and me and the next person, is how we deal with it. My point in telling you this, is it’s CRUCIAL that you really look at how he is handling this, because it’s a window into how he will handle stressful situations with you down the road (if you guys were to get together).
I understand you have chemistry with this guy and it feels great! AND….CHEMISTRY DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATABILITY. This is the hard part…that chemistry is so darn powerful and strong, that it’s very easy to get swept away and ignore the red flags – which from what you shared, there are some red flags here.
Tell me what you mean when you say that you tend to be “too much” in the beginning.
but I also want to put a fire in his butt to be more proactive in getting to know me. Really??? Are you sure you want to do this? Personally, if I EVER have the thought “I wish he would ask me questions. I wish I felt like he really wants to know me. I wish he would make more effort to get to know me…” that’s a BIG thing to pay attention to! I personally DO NOT ever want to spend any of my energy trying to get a guy to be more interested in me. I want a guy who has something organic and natural in him, that makes him reach out to me because he HAS to know me. I want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to see me or talk to me. I want a guy who gets EXCITED to get to know me. Anything less than that, in my opinion, is a guy that is not worth my time. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the guy, it just means he doesn’t have eyes for me and I sure don’t want to spend any of my time trying to “make” him have eyes for me. I know that when the chemistry is there, it tells you to do something different, by like I already said…chemistry does not equal compatibility.
You are spending a lot of energy and focus on a guy you barely know, a guy who is not really emotionally available, a guy that keeps you at a distance, a guy who is making you wait for quite a long time – if he were your friend, wouldn’t you get frustrated to wait for 3-4 days to get a reply??? Texting takes less than 10 seconds. The truth is, this guy is not very engaged and like he said in the beginning, he wants things to move slow – which he gets to do of course AND he also has to honor that there IS a certain speed that helps keeps a woman engaged – and for YOU…his pace does not work – and that’s okay.
All the other guys lost interest and I don’t want this to happen again. Let’s talk about this…what do you think it means about you that these other guys lost interest in you? The way you make it sound, it seems like you believe you were missing something or it was your fault somehow they lost interest. Is this what you believe?
Heidi
When I asked him what he needed to see that he hadn’t seen yet to feel comfortable entering a relationship, he said, “I don’t know. You tend to lead with your thoughts. I tend to lead with my feelings, and I need a couple of days to understand the thought behind the feeling. Let’s talk about this again on X day.” If you really look at what he is saying, he is contradicting himself. He points the finger at you for “leading with your thoughts” and then claims he leads with his feelings, yet he has to “think” about what he is feeling. Do you see the discrepancy here? Which is totally okay, but it’s just another sign of how unclear he was. Besides, leading with feelings is dangerous, as FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. Feelings are just a story that our MIND creates about whatever is happening, and that story comes from our experiences of the past. So leading with feelings can be dangerous because of how misleading they are! Feelings lead people into situations ALL THE TIME that are coming from a place of fear or woundedness and NOT from clarity. Let’s take you for example…your VERY STRONG feelings of wanting to be in a committed relationship and have kids and that you are running out of time…they are strong enough that they are leading you into situations that are not working AND those feelings act as a blinder and prevent you from have CLEAR sight about all the dynamics in the relationship. Does this make sense?
Many dating situations that start off strong but quickly fizzle out before they become committed relationships. I have never been in a committed relationship, and I am 35, so I have a lot of pain associated with that thought. It’s something I have worked on with coaches and therapists over the years. I understand that when I think that way, it puts so much pressure on something new with someone — that if it doesn’t work out, I’m making it mean something big about my ability to have a committed relationship. I know logically that my past history is no indication of my ability to have a solid relationship in the future. But that insecurity never totally goes away. And I guess I also feel like I am losing time if I want to have kids, so I really want things to work out. There is something much deeper going on here. What happens in our adult life, the choices we make and how we design our life, is shaped from our childhood and role models growing up. I imagine your therapist would have helped you connect to your childhood experiences that would shape your romantic experiences…yes? no?
Heidi
Yikes! That is really intense what happened with your cat! Holy smokes! Poor thing! I’m glad you bonding and healing together.
You feel the depression is not to the point of needing therapy? That’s an interesting response. Personally, any level of depression that stops me from enjoying my life, is worth dealing with. You are so full of disappointment and depression that you have lost your passion and vibrancy for life. So…at what point do you think you will actually need some help them? Do you think you need to be a lot worse to the point of not functioning? The thing is, you believe that time and effort will do, but that’s not true. All that happens over times, is feelings get buried, only to return later on when someone or something triggers you. Your depression will get activated again and again and again. It’s kind of like having a dirty drain. Gunk builds up and eventually, it gets so blocked that it clogs and is not useable and then you need a professional to come in and deal with a more serious problem – but had you decided to clean your pipes along the way, you’d be much better off. Probably not the best analogy….lol.
But the loneliness could get someone to show some empathy and give a listening ear I guess. Since I feel like no one cares enough to listen. So you want other people to care about you, but you won’t care enough about yourself to get help? That sure is putting a lot of responsibility on others instead of empowering yourself and taking ownership of your own well-being. Your happiness and well being is 100% in your hands. So what are you willing to do to help yourself? You are going through a lot right now. Why not reach out for help?
Heidi
Good luck Kristy! It was wonderful getting to talk with you and being small part of your process. I believe in you!
Oh gosh, I am so so sorry for what you have had to go through with all of them. So much of how they were feeling, is about them and they sure didn’t talk well with you about how they felt. It does sound like they just liked to blame you. You became the target for their feelings and while one said you needed to be accountable, she was blaming you instead of holding herself accountable – so she wasn’t even doing what she was telling you that you needed to do. I’m sure there are a TON of other details that could easily be turned into a reality tv show. In the end, it doesn’t change all the rejection and hurt that you are having to feel right now, and my heart goes out to you. It’s tough!!
I love that your cat still interests you…our pets are lifesavers aren’t they? They bring us so much love and connection with FULL acceptance of who we are. Have you ever considered doing an animal communication session with your cat? If you don’t know what that is, here is a website of a woman who is really amazing at it! Ive had a handful of sessions with her and it’s helped every single time. https://www.animalwize.com/
Since you don’t have to the discipline to read, what about watching videos or listening to podcasts? Have you ever considered working with a coach or therapist? My coach is masterful. She has helped me clear some of the my deepest, darkest pain and brought me from feeling like I was drowning to feeling empowered. She is incredible. I’m happy to share her info. with you, if that interests you.
Heidi
I feel disappointed when they don’t meet my needs and make it mean that they don’t care. This is a super common response and feeling that many people have. Unfortunately, it’s a thought and feeling that is full of lies. First, it’s your responsibility to get your needs met, right? I know you know this. Getting our needs met is a VERY creative process and includes other people sometimes helping us, but regardless, WE have to be the sole, foundational provider of meeting our own needs. So it’s important to understand EXACTLY what you need in the moment. So if you are sad…you need comfort. What can you do to bring comfort in your life ON YOUR OWN. Of course you can always get some great hugs from friends and family and words of encouragement. But let’s say they aren’t available…what would you do to comfort yourself? This line of questioning and exploration is what is missing most in relationships. People end up relying heavily on each other and when the other person fails, which they always do, the entire relationship has nothing to stand on. So having a mindset to ALWAYS meet your needs yourself and use other people as a complimentary resource, THEN…when your partner fails, you will have trust and confidence in YOURSELF that you will okay – and you will be much less attached because you are relying on yourself – not him – to take care of your needs. Do you understand this mindset and approach? Honestly, it’s sooooooo much easier to just look to the other person to fix the hurt. This mindset I am talking about requires work and being in a deeper relationship with yourself – not a path that many will take.
I don’t have “tests” they need to pass before they can earn my heart. What are some examples, if you don’t mind sharing? Well, another way to say this is: What are your standards? I coach my clients to create their non-negotiable list. This is a list of qualities that truly are non-negotiable…meaning your soul will literally fade away and lose life if these qualities are not present in the relationship. This list is where you come up with the “tests.” It’s quite a layered process I take my clients through, but you can at least start to play with the idea. For example, I KNOW that I will die without romance. I will not stay engaged or nourished without a guy enjoying and being creative with how he expresses his feelings for me. I KNOW I have to be with a guy who deeply values animals. I do a lot of dog sitting and always have a dog of my own. Animals are a really big part of my life, so my guy must love that about me and want to be involved as well. I KNOW I have to have a guy who is active and loves nature. I live in Colorado and am always taking adventures in the mountains. I do a lot of hiking and exploring, so I NEED a guy who loves the mountains AND who enjoys being active in them. Do you see where I’m going with this?? Like I have previously said, the #1 thing I am also always looking for, is how they treat me, themselves and others under stress. If he has all the other qualities, but responds to stress in a way that is damaging and toxic, nothing else matters…it will never work long term…unless he is willing to work on it and make those deeper changes.
I am also curious if you have thoughts on a man’s desire to first be exclusive and then decide to be in a relationship, and how that should affect my mentality/choices in each stage. Or to just not agree to be exclusive without the title of relationship knowing that I get attached quickly. I’m a little confused here. If there is an agreed upon exclusivity, that’s both people agreeing to be in a relationship. Did you guys agree to be exclusive, but then he wouldn’t call it a relationship?? I’m not sure I understand.
As far as attaching so quickly, in essence and at the core, that is wounded energy driving it. Imagine a piece of swiss cheese. Lots of holes, right? Well, those wholes represent areas where we are missing parts of ourselves, due to traumas and unresolved hurts from our past. We LOVE LOVE LOVE to fill those holes with the outside world….lovers, food, substances, spending money etc. Those “fixes” are like putting a bandaid over a super big cut that needs to be opened up, cleaned out and stitched up. A bandaid works for a bit, but it doesn’t change that an infection is imminent, because the wound wasn’t cared for properly. So…we end up making a lot of decisions from the energy of that empty hole we are trying to fill….hence you get attached fast and move fast – and when the guy doesn’t respond to you in the way you need, you get upset and tell yourself he doesn’t care. So…who taught you that? Where in your life were you left wanting and needing love and attention and connection?
You mentioned having a therapist, but then also saying this is the most you have ever processed in the past 6 months. I’m wondering…what is your therapist doing with you? Do you feel like it’s helping you heal? Is it just talk therapy or are there other methods they use to help you heal? I ask this because it’s quite common for people to feel like they don’t really feel much different from working with their therapist…to which I say, you don’t have the right therapist then. In all the years I have worked with my coach, there isn’t a single session I have had with her where I didn’t feel different after. She is the most powerful, intuitive and intelligent person I know. She knows how to target the places where I am stuck, lead me into healing and set me up with a skillset to move through my life so much easier. That is how you should feel about your therapist and if you don’t, maybe it’s time to consider a new one. I’m happy to send you the info. of my coach and you can try just 1 session with her and see the difference. Just something to think about.
Heidi
I want to learn how for the future to date in a way that I know a relationship may end at any point in time, but it doesn’t hurt me so much the way this one did. Or I don’t feel so attached that even 6 months down the line, I am not over him and trying to make sense of why things ended. From what you are saying, it sounds like you strongly attach and end up losing yourself a bit. Imagine this…imagine feeling clear, super confident internally and feeling completely safe in your life. You feel like no matter what happens, you’ve got this!
THAT mindset, that type of confidence, that level of trust in yourself is what will help you be more discerning and not lose yourself with a guy. I know you don’t lose yourself completely, but it sounds like you lose yourself enough that you tend to jump in faster.
How fast or slow someone moves while building a romantic connection, has a lot to do with fear…too fast or too slow are sourced by fear – it’s just expressed differently. So it’s less about your approach (although that is important) and more about your internal feelings about yourself and your relationship to love and your beliefs about love. I know for me, the more baggage I cleared from my past, the more clear I became about how I wanted to date – and I was so much more “less attached” to outcomes and instead just able to go with the flow and accept the process and make decisions from a clear mind vs. my fear. Have you ever worked with a coach or therapist? It would be a great thing to really dig deep into what’s happening for you, so you can get at the CORE issue vs. just trying to understand and change your behavior – because that is just a bandaid and doesn’t address the deeper stuff going on.
“Things moved very fast. I didn’t feel like I had the space to get deeper in the relationship and then progressively test things out, to fall in love. Not blowing smokes – you have the goods. It’s a form over substance issue.” If things moved too fast for him, it’s because he joined you. Do YOU feel things moved fast with this guy? Looking back, do you see that you have this pattern? What EXACTLY do you do that would make them feel like you move fast? When you are dating a guy you like, do you tend to start thinking about marriage with them pretty quickly and if it’s possible? Do you have standards and tests they need to pass before earning your heart?
Heidi
I just have trouble being happy with myself and my accomplishments. I woke up this morning with a better attitude, so maybe I am coming out of my depression wave. I always see myself as a victim. And what are you doing about this?
I can never forgive them for destroying my life. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this. You should watch the movie “Hurricane.” It might really help you. In the end Kristy, deciding not to forgive only hurts you. It keeps you in depression and keeps you very limited in your life. You are struggling so much, and not forgiving and holding onto your anger and resentment are what keeps you feeling depressed and like a victim. Is that what you want? Do you want to feel like this for another 10 years? Another 20 years? That is way more exhausting than deciding to let go of the anger and hurt you feel. I have had to forgive some of the very worst, most dark, most evil acts humans can do. All I wanted was revenge – which of course I could never get – so I had to choose between revenge and peace. I had to choose between rage and suffering and being free from my past so I could actually move on. You have that same exact choice Kristy. Every single time you loop around in your mind about how angry you are and how you were a victim, you can also finish that story by saying “AND…I choose to forgive all of them. I choose to forgive myself for not being able to protect myself.” Say that over and over and over and over again…you won’t feel it at first, but the more you consciously say it, the more your heart will align with it. You want to feel happy the majority of time, right? You want to have a life that enjoy, right? You will never be able to get that as long as you don’t forgive because instead you are choosing to be in relationship with resentment and anger.
I suppose this would be something to discuss with the therapist, again. Find a therapist that works for you Kristy. Talk therapy is a pretty limited version of healing. Find a therapist that has a skillset BEYOND talking…if you can find one that does EMDR, that is a very powerful technique. Hypnosis can be very helpful as well. IFS (internal family systems) is great, Brainspotting is great. I don’t know what types of modalities you have there in Australia, but look it up. If you are just talking, you won’t get very far.
Heidi
Oh wow! You are going through a lot of rejection right now. Yikes! What happened with your best friends??? Do you understand why it happened? Let’s talk about this!
I’ve recently lost all interest in things I used to love doing You are in survival mode. That’s depression you are dealing with and it’s really important that work with it. Is there something new you can try? Dance lessons? Art classes? Crochet lessons? Finding anything creative is a very powerful way to shift your energy. One thing I will occasionally do, is go buy a few dozen roses and pass them out to strangers through the day. Putting a smile on someone else’s face is pretty great. Watch movies where the main character fights for something. Listen to podcasts with people that motivate you. Put on music and dance around – dance depression, dance anger, dance hurt – dance your emotions. Get exercising somehow. Go walk barefoot in the grass for 15 minutes. Write a letter to him and then burn it.
Are you the type that enjoys self-help books?
Heidi
There is soooo much to talk about, hopefully I can help make some sense of things. Thank you for correcting a few things and explaining a little further. Being on technology really can make things confusing sometimes! I love talking with you, so let’s keep picking this apart!
So perhaps the energy there was discomfort with the lack of clarity and hurt that he would choose not to meet me halfway. So using that same question: What do you want him to do for you? You are wanting him to give you clarity and understanding so you could “fix” something….yourself. The truth is…you DO NOT need him to give you clarity and understanding. His experience of you is just that..HIS! Another guy would have a completely different experience of your “pushing.” In essence, you were giving him A LOT of power as if what he said would become something you needed to fix and it would help you have closure. You can have closure within yourself WITHOUT him. If you think about it, him not giving you clarity means you get to just accept who you are and your limitations and make that okay! Does this make sense?
the desire to stay connected still does give a feeling of security. I am trying to think how I could have given myself security in the moment. Finding security within yourself can sometimes be found with friends and family, but it’s also important to know how to create that for yourself, without anyone’s help. Finding security within yourself means connecting to yourself and your abilities. You are smart, resilient, resourceful and a seeker. So when you feel insecure about anything, you remind yourself “I am MORE than feeling insecure. I am resilient and resourceful and even though I am afraid of losing him, I KNOW I will be okay. I trust in myself. I know my abilities and I have a good support system. No matter what he does or doesn’t do, I will be okay.”
“Hey he’s not prioritizing this right now and you deserve someone who does. That doesn’t mean you have to walk away right now, but prioritize yourself, stop initiating communication, and see what he does. Someone isn’t going to be able to meet all of our needs. So there are going to be many moments in a relationship when they completely fail and are not there for you. That’s why is SOOOOO important for you to have your own skillset of how to support yourself WITHOUT them. That’s what the question “What do you want him to do for you….” is so important. You start to see where the gaps are – where you are relying on someone else to take care of you and help you feel better.
I am just thinking allowed, because I was so emotionally attached that I don’t think I had the true space to say that I would walk away if I wasn’t getting what I wanted. And I just wonder that if I’m one year into a relationship, how I can take a step back to evaluate if I’m getting what I want and be able to walk away if I’m not. I guess after this experience, I’m so afraid that I won’t able to have a “walk away” power once I’ve entered a relationship. This is a tough one. I understand your fear of not having that “walk away” power…AND…you will figure it out. You can trust that when you are enough pain, you will make different decisions, so the pain will eventually get sooooo big, that your “walk away” power will increase. And if you choose to stay in it, even though you aren’t happy, you get to do that! Trust in yourself. You are always doing the best you can, with what you know and life will continue to teach you.
Here is one of the most important things to look for in a relationship…how they treat you in their worst moments. It’s during the stressful times in life where relationships either succeed or fail. I always coach people who are looking for love, to look for this BEFORE opening up your heart completely. In the beginning, I will ask questions like, What are you like when you get angry? What is the worst thing you have ever done to someone? Tell me about your worst heart break. These types of questions can give you a tiny viewpoint into how he approaches stress in his life. Then of course, you will experience stress with him and see what happens. And the other most important quality you have to look for is someone who is willing to grow and learn. A guy who isn’t really the type to self-reflect or accept accountability, then you aren’t going to get very far with him. So this guy for example, if I were his coach, I would be holding him accountable to all kinds of things where he was being ineffective with you and how he could have shown up differently. Would you say that this guy is someone who wants to learn and grow within himself? Would he ever see a therapist or coach? Would he ever read self help books or go through a program with you to improve the relationship? I’m just sharing this to give you a took about the most important aspect of a relationship – how you treat each other in your worst moments…and IF he is workable and willing to learn and grow…THEN there is actually potential. Everything else will be built upon that foundation and continue to work or not work. Here is a great article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ I also LOVE this book. I know it was written for men, but it’s super quick read, VERY helpful for women as well and will help you understand yourself more deeply. https://www.gottman.com/product/the-mans-guide-to-women/
But because I know that I could have showed up better, it’s hard not to wonder if it could have worked out if I had the security within myself to take care of my own emotions and give him grace. I understand your thinking. It’s very normal. Yes, you could have done this AND so could he. He didn’t give you grace. He pointed the finger at you instead and blamed you for being too pushy. He is a grown man and could have set some very clear boundaries with you, but he didn’t do that. He instead became unavailable to you and left you hanging. Again, yes this whole thing got a little bit messy, but what you learned is that your connection didn’t have what it needs to have to endure a speedbump…and that is something you needed to know. It didn’t work because of BOTH of you, not because of you being you and getting a bit pushy. So ask the same of him…”What was he wanting from you, that he wasn’t doing for himself?” He was feeling pressured and wanting YOU to give him space. Why didn’t he give himself space?? In a healthy way…he did take space, but in a way that was destructive to the connection.
“The thing is that you think you’re asking me a question from a place of curiosity, but it comes across as if you think I did something wrong.” A week later, my brother said something very similar to me, so I think it’s something for me to work on. This is great information! So pay attention to it, but I would also see if you can get more detail from your brother. It’s important to understand that someone is telling you THEIR experience of you, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s how everyone experiences you. I have heard from a lot of guys in my past saying I was always telling them what was wrong with them. The truth is, they received my confrontation in that way, because they had their own insecurities. Of course, I learned to shift my delivery and paid better attention to my energy, so their experience of me was specific to their own low self-esteem, which has nothing to do with me. So always take what someone says about you, with a grain of salt. Get curious about it and ask more questions and see if you can get more detail from your brother about why he felt the way he did.
I feel bad about that. And I don’t know if that’s a me issue, or this person isn’t compatible with me otherwise he wouldn’t have brought that side out of me. Probably it’s both.
I would snap at him and that made him feel inadequate and like he couldn’t explore a deeper relationship with me. You don’t MAKE him feel anything. If he felt inadequate, it’s because that energy is living in him and it got activated by you. It’s not your fault that you happened to press the button. If you had 100 different guys that you snapped at, you would get various reactions, right? I’m only saying this to help you pull back a bit and take a lot less responsibility for what happened. Yes, you were messy AND so is he. A relationship that works, is one where you get to be messy and have it be okay instead of break the relationship. You did not do anything THAT horrible that would warrant an immediate breakup. My guess is, he has never fully invested in you and because of that, he broke pretty easily. It’s almost like he had 1 foot out the door already and needed something else to happen to step out instead of finding ways to stay. Your messiness is absolutely workable AND you are willing to learn and grow….yet, he wouldn’t join you there – so to me, that is a guy not very invested and has some things to figure out within himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
