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Hi Melissa,
Great questions! I really, really have so much respect for you for staying connected here. I am not saying easy things for you to hear / read. You have an incredible amount of strength to not run in the other direction, but instead to keep being vulnerable, authentic and open to hearing other guidance and perspectives. You seriously are amazing! I just want you to know that…
Okay….let’s address your questions. Let’s start with “letting him off the hook.” Just feel the energy of that statement. When reading that, not knowing ANYTHING that is happening around that statement, wouldn’t you say that is something a mother or parent would say? Wouldn’t you say that is a statement about control over someone else? Wouldn’t you say that is statement saying you are right and someone else is wrong? It’s a statement saying “someone else needs to behave differently so that I can be happy.”
I’m so glad he has changed so much over the past 2 years. You have been a good influence for him! The thing is, has he changed enough to absorb these changes as if it were truly him or is he so plugged into, that if he disconnected, he wouldn’t be able to sustain his growth? The young guy I dated for a year, he stopped smoking pot, he applied and got a college scholarship and he advanced 3 levels in his career while he was with me. Once we broke up, he went back to pot on a daily basis and his business performance went down. Thank goodness he followed through on going to college…lol. My point being, he was a better version of himself with me, but only because he was plugged into my energy and my level of functioning. Once unplugged, he couldn’t sustain that level on his own, because of the people he chose to surround himself with.
Again, you are at a higher level of functioning than he is, therefore it automatically sets it up for you to be more “adult” than him…therefore you become the parent and him the child….and you keep getting hurt over and over and over again that he is the child.
The REAL issue here is in you…not him. You are the one who chose to get into relationship with a guy who is carrying an incredible amount of baggage and even was harming himself. You picked a guy who doesn’t have the capacity to support you emotionally. You picked a guy who you are rescuing all of the time. So what is in YOU, that would choose a relationship like this?
He doesn’t need you to be his teacher. Teaching him won’t do a darn thing with whatever it is that he is carrying around inside of himself. He needs REAL help if he is going to survive his life. He is no good to ANYONE as a romantic partner. Yes, he knows how to have fun with you and be affectionate / romantic and say sorry, but that’s about it. No relationship will ever last on that alone.
Imagine a relationship where you could say, “Listen, when you do….it hurts. I end up feeling left alone.” Then you have a very adult conversation about it. He asks more questions to understand you more and then he tells you about what’s happening for him when he does that and then he says, “I get it. How about I work on doing……and let’s see how it goes. Keep talking with me about it though.”
What would it feel like to date a man who can pay for dinners and trips? What would it feel like to date a man who has good communication with you? What would it feel like to date a man who doesn’t need to rely on his parents? How would it feel to date a man you don’t have to “worry” about the way he lives his life, because you actually respect him? He is not this guy, so if you want that kind of experience, then it’s time for you to say no to what you are choosing right now. If you are not ready to do that yet, that’s okay! Only you can know when you are done.Heidi
Hi Tina,
I think it’s a great idea that you talk to him. You have reached a point where the design of how you guys are interacting is not okay anymore. He seems good with how things are going, but for you…you are wanting more and there is nothing wrong with that, as long as it’s not asking from him anything that he isn’t willing to give or be.
So before you talk to him, it’s important to get VERY CLEAR about what you want. So…what do you want from him?
Heidi
Hi Ariane,
Glad you like that approach! What I like to encourage people to do when approaching conflict or an uncomfortable conversation, go in the with the mindset of “curiosity.” That means you ask questions instead of accusing and assuming…which usually leads to conflict. So instead of saying “you are distant and don’t contact me as much anymore” you say “if feels like we are not as connected as we used to be. What is your experience?” Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you do….” you say “when you do…..it hurts. Can you help me understand what is happening for you when you do…..I would like to understand it more.”
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Marzena,
Thank you for more details.
I wonder what would happen if you pulled back and stopped initiating contact with him. The way the relationship is designed right now, is that it’s all about him. He helps you when he feels like it, he knows that you love him and will do anything for him whenever he wants, even if he ignores you most of the time, so he can ask you to dinner and knows you will say yes, you will have sex when he wants etc. Everything is about him. You try to initiate, you try to talk, you try to create time with him, but he just ignores you. So basically, when he says jump and you jump. He gets what he wants and doesn’t really care about how it’s affecting you. What that’s telling him, is that you don’t respect yourself very much. You have no boundaries, so he can do and be whatever he wants without consequence. He will view that as desperate and weak energy and therefore he can take advantage of that.
So really, if you want the relationship to change, you have to change first. What can you do to set some boundaries that feel good for you? Giving him everything he wants anytime he wants is not healthy for any relationship. I know you are just trying to hold onto him and keep his attention, but it’s not working. You are feeling awful in this relationship and that’s because you have lost yourself. So what can you do to find yourself again? What kinds of things can you do that make you feel strong and respected??
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I truly love your process! You are really in a wonderful growth spurt where you are identifying what is and isn’t yours and the kind of person you want to be. The more you learn about yourself, the more you will learn about others. The reason I am able to read people and situations sooooo well, is because of all of the work I have done on myself. We are all the same on a foundational level, so when you identify things about yourself, you will instantly be able to spot that energy in someone else. You are doing such a great job!!!!
Let’s talk about the word fragile for a minute. The way I meant the word fragile, is he lets his fears control him. Anyone who lets their fear be in the driver’s seat and control their choices, is fragile. I am fragile in certain areas of my life. We all are. That fear is protecting us from something…usually from being hurt…because we don’t have full confidence in ourselves that we can handle the hurt…therefore, we are fragile. The difference between all of us and our personal levels of fragility, is how much fear we carry around and how much it controls our life. So your guy is fragile, you are fragile, we all are fragile in one way or another. The goal here is resilience. When someone is really resilient, they KNOW that no matter what happens in their life, it won’t “break” them. They KNOW they can handle rejection, abandonment, betrayal, death, loss etc. All of those things are awful and intense and horrible to go through, but having a belief and a TRUST IN YOURSELF that you will be okay and get through it…that is resilience. When resilience is in the driver’s seat, a person makes decisions from that space and not the fear. Fear is still there of course, but resilience will win. It’s a mindset of saying to the fear, “I get that you are afraid of opening up to the person for fear they will abandon you. It’s okay. You are strong enough, intelligent enough, wise enough, supported enough to be able to handle it if he does abandon you. We are going to be okay, so we are going to walk forward one more step, even WITH all of this fear.” Does this make sense?
In regards to you saying that ” I’m not afraid of anything emotional, he’s not afraid of anything physical” I want to invite you to think about it as one and the same. We are NEVER just physical or emotional beings. One area of our lives ALWAYS affects other areas, constantly. You both are afraid of being abandoned and it’s EXACTLY the same…not different. The access points are different, but the fear of your heart hurting is EXACTLY the same. Fear lives in our mind, body and spirit….all places, all at once. I’m glad you guys had a talk about this and were both able to open up and share this! You both are choosing vulnerability, one step at a time, which is awesome!!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin and all that verbal abuse you received from your mom. It’s awful and I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds like you are ready now to begin to acknowledge and face all the layers and walls and limiting beliefs that have affected your life. As you begin to uncover all of this, you will have new freedoms and insights that empower you to live your life from a place of resilience and less fear. Have you ever worked with a therapist or really dug in there about everything that happened??
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
Welcome! Have you ever met in person? Most people communicate mostly by text throughout the day. So can you explain your situation further? Are you both committed to each other or just getting to know each other?
Looking forward to more details!
Heidi
Hi Ariane,
Thanks for sharing more about what is happening for both of you.
First, it’s important to understand that he didn’t do anything to work on his emotional baggage. To take 1 week of a break and then ask to get back together, is just him ignoring whatever is REALLY going for him. Taking care of emotional baggage takes much longer than a week. It takes being very uncomfortable and working through that discomfort in a healthy way. He probably got a little uncomfortable and then immediately got back together with you to relieve that discomfort. So reality is, whatever was there to being with that caused him to want a break…is still there.
Why not have another honest conversation with him? I know you want him to care for you like he used to, but reality is, he has a lot of baggage that will affect the relationship the longer you guys are together. The same is true on your end too. The longer we are with someone, the more our deeper baggage gets activated…that’s why relationship tend to fall apart the longer people are together. SO if you are unhappy, can you be honest about it? Here is a way to start the conversation, “I want you to know that I am really sorry for reading you my journal. I am learning how to be a better partner and I realize how that was not the best way to express how I was feeling. It feels like we haven’t been the same since. I want to repair all the hurt that has happened between us. I want to let it go. I feel like some of it still might be there. How does it feel for you? Do you like how you and I connect? Do you feel disconnected from me sometimes? Do you feel there are walls up that preventing us to connect better?”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
Welcome! I completely understand why you are confused. It’s almost like out of sight, out of mind. When he is with, he is very present and attentive and WITH you, but when he isn’t, he is in another world and acknowledges you just enough to keep engaged, but not enough to really build anything.
First, there are some really big red flags here. The way he has designed his life is to be very unavailable and he wants his freedom. He blames the woman for “infringing” on his time, but now you are seeing what’s it like to be on the other side of him. He wants to blame the women, but not take responsibility how much he is contributing to what is happening. He sends mixed messages, he hot and cold and inconsistent. That drives women nuts!!! And it will increase their need to want to spend time with him because that is when he is most present with them. This is a guy who is not clear, who is getting what HE wants with no consideration about how it affects the person he is dating. And you are falling into the trap of this same design he has created over and over and over again. If you are already confused, just after a few months, can you imagine what is REALLY inside of him?? He has a lot of junk in there about his perception of women.
When people’s words and actions don’t align, there is a split happening inside of them. One part of them wants one thing and another part doesn’t. And one part will show up in one moment and another part shows up in another moment. It’s sooooo confusing when people are split about relationships. He says he doesn’t believe there is someone for everyone, yet he is dating. He wants to have his own time and do whatever he wants whenever he wants without consideration, yet he is dating…which requires care and connection to the other person.
I suggest to let this one go. He already is showing you how he wants to be. The fact that you are confused is because he isn’t really clear. You want to fight through that??? Don’t you want a guy who is completely clear about what he wants with you?? It doesn’t have to be this hard or confusing, especially in the beginning. You want a guy who wants to be with you. Who wants to have his own time AND makes sure to build time WITH you and there is no confusion about that.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I am so glad you vented you and just let it all out! You have a lot of confusion and a lot to deal with, so it’s so good to just write it all out and get the energy moving!
I wish there were a clear cut answer for all of this. The biggest challenge here, for you, is to decide if this is what you want to deal with. I always coach people that you choose someone based on their WORST qualities, not their best, first and foremost. Whoever they are in their worst, is that something you can love and accept about them? Can you accept his moods and cutoffs? Haven’t you already asked him to communicate with you through it? The thing is, with the intensity of emotion that he is dealing with in those moments, trying to talk to you, even just to say “it’s me” is asking him to care for YOU, when he is not even caring for himself. He has no skillset to manage these emotions he is having. That is his choice. He is not doing anything to really fight for himself and work on whatever is causing all of this. Therefore, even if he could say “it’s me” in the moment, it doesn’t change that you are choosing a relationship with a guy who won’t help himself….which means you are left without a partner. He abandons you, but he abandons himself first. This is not something that can be fixed just by communicating. He will continue to get worse unless he actually does something about it. Make sense?
So we are back to same thing you have always struggled with….your need for him to fight for himself. He doesn’t fight for better finances, he doesn’t fight for better emotional health, he doesn’t fight to re-design his life in a way that helps him be successful and powerful as an individual or as a partner to you. Yes, there are some wonderful things between you guys. You guys have a really great connection for sure! It’s sweet and playful and fun….AND….whether you like it or not, he activates your mothering side quite a bit. You are the one pulling him out of bed, you are the one worrying he is going to be late to work, you are the one paying for the adventures you want to have with him, you are the one trying to teach him to just say the words “It’s me” instead of completely going cold and not answering any of your questions.
This is who he is RIGHT NOW. He may shift and change as he gets older….hopefully that is his choice. You need to face the real truth that you don’t trust him to handle his life well. He has shown you over and over and over again how much he is still very young in how he designs his day and his life. So….can you just be okay not trusting him?
I also love using EFT. I can’t remember if I shared that with you, but go to http://www.eftuniverse.com and sign up on their email list. You will get a TON of great audios, tapping techniques and ways to help you move the energy of anxiety and worry and your need to control. It’s a really powerful technique. There is also the Sedona Method, Heartmath has great techniques as well. Check them out and see what resonates for you and start learning and practicing!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marzena,
I’m not sure what answer you would like. He very well may have another woman. You can always ask him directly and see what he says.
I’m a little confused though. Are you guys still together? I mean, is it still agreed that you are in a committed relationship? Or are you guys separated and he just still helps every once in awhile?
Have you just sat down with him and said something like, “I miss you. I miss us. I know with my son being sick, I had a lot less time for you and I am so sorry about that. I would love to get things back on track. How about a date night next week? Let’s get all dressed up and go somewhere fun and have amazing sex to finish it up.”
Is that something you can say to him?
Heidi
Hi Cheryl!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and presenting your challenges! Would you mind starting your own thread? It’s helps me and Kanya be able to keep everybody straight and make sure we don’t miss anyone. We look forward to working with you!!!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
From everything you said, I’m surprised you don’t think there is any attraction.
1. He invited you to an event and sought you out to sit next to you the whole night.
2. He invited you to stay over and respected YOUR boundary that YOU put in place.
3. He rubbed your head and kissed your forehead which is the nicest thing he could do, considering your boundary.
4. The erection thing…well that’s normal for guys. They have several erections each night, so I don’t think that means anything, but you were teasing him about it and he responded, yes?I’m just not sure what you want from him. Do you want to be with him or not? If you do, why put the boundaries up while sleeping over in his bed? He is partly following your lead here. YOU design this. He obviously is capable of being “friends” with an ex and if you don’t want to be “that girl” then what are you doing sleeping in his bed?
You need to send VERY CLEAR signals as to what you want and then align your actions and behaviors with that. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand your need to think things through. I suggest staying away until he figures out what he wants in his life. Leaving him alone and even feeling the absence of you in his life is VERY IMPORTANT for his process.
You can easily set it up by letting him know something to this effect, “I just want you to know that I’m really backing away and just giving you space. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about you or don’t want to talk to you. It’s quite the opposite. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to connect. I just feel it’s a really good lesson, for me especially, to give you space and let you figure this out on your own. I am always here for support or whatever you need, but after what I did to you (with the other girl), I think it’s time for me to take a step back and work with my need to control “us.” So, “we” are primarily in your hands. You connect whenever you want. I’m gonna just take this 1 day at a time and learn to get comfortable sitting back and letting you take the lead. I trust you and it’s about time I really let that lead me.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE your attitude and your growth. It’s this mindset, your ability to keep risking and learning and your choice to grow from every person in your life, is what is going to attract a much more healthy relationship into your life! You are on a really good path!
I’m glad you guys are working on meeting up and that you are having more raw and honest conversations. Isn’t it amazing to have that with someone??? It’s so special and sacred! I hope this gets to continue for you!!!
Keep sharing updates! I really am so curious what happens after you meet in person!!!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Holy smokes!!! I am sooooo happy to hear you have connected to that realization!!! It’s so powerful, right??? You are spot on. I love that you can use your work as a standard of happiness. If someone cannot offer at least the level of happiness your work can offer you, then it’s okay you go a different direction. I like to call that “protecting my happy.” I protect my level of happy very well. It’s taken time and practice and a lot of mishaps and every once in awhile, I still get challenged, but that’s okay! I KNOW what I want to feel like around a person or place. I KNOW what adds to my energy and what takes from it, so it’s a daily choice. It’s daily participation and investment in your own life. I am just elated for you that you connected to this.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this!!! This is what beirresistable is about! Results like this make it all worth it
I’m glad you are clear now. Keep us updated about what he does about initiating contact. I hope it all turns out well for you!!!
Heidi
