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Hi Rhonda,
Good question! Getting out of things is always uncomfortable. You just have to be willing to be uncomfortable and know that he will have a reaction, one way or the other and that’s okay.
You can simply say something like, “I’m so sorry to do this to you, but I am going to back out of the board meeting dinner. I always like to try new things, but I’m finding I am at my capacity right now and I am saying “yes” to too many activities. I am really out of balance and need to reign myself in and start getting comfortable saying “no” more often. So I need to say to no to you. I really apologize and hope you can forgive me.”
How does something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
Great questions! Just take those statements as a nice compliment. He desires to be with you and that always feels good! Then leave it at that. No need to try and read between the lines with anything. Instead, just receive it and enjoy it and know that he probably felt that way IN THE MOMENT and that’s wonderful!
Again, I want to encourage you to slow down. I know you are crazy about him and that is so wonderful! Enjoy it! Just make sure your strong feelings are also supported by time and experience to know who he REALLY is…that’s all. Meaning, no need to make any decisions at the moment. Just be patient. You will go visit him and January and gather more information about him. Again, remember that you haven’t seen his worst side yet. He could be verbally or physically abusive, he could be that guy who completely disconnects and ignores you when he gets upset, he could be a great communicator when he is stressed out like crazy….you just don’t know the worst about him yet and whether or not he is first of all, a safe person to be around and second of all, if he has enough of a skillset to support a lasting relationship. He needs to know these things about you as well!
It’s okay to go crazy for this guy and really have your feelings. It’s just also important to make sure he is someone who is deserving of your very precious and sacred heart. You need to learn that he is physically and emotionally safe for you through EXPERIENCE with him. You need to see how he handles stress in his life that triggers him and he needs to see this about you as well, BEFORE moving your life there to be with him. That takes time.
If you feel it’s appropriate when you visit in January, you can always keep it super light and say something like, “You know…I could see myself here at some point. I really like you and I together so far and feel there is potential for us. If you are willing to do long distance for a period of time so we can REALLY get to know each other, if all goes well and we both feel good about it, I would be willing to move here. Is that something you would consider?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
Great questions!!! I love all of your thoughts and feelings that you are sharing. This is a good place to vent and let the energy flow instead of holding it all in.
Here is the thing. First and foremost, BEFORE you talk with him, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Forgive him for not being the kind of boyfriend you needed him to be. And get specific. For example, you could say / write “I forgive him for not being the kind of boyfriend I needed him to be which was attentive, honest, connective and caring about my experience. I forgive him for not being curious about me and fighting for me in his life. I forgive him for the fears he chooses to carry which will always keep me at a distance from him.” “I forgive myself for not being able to get my needs met which are to be seen and known by him, to be fought for and to be cared about and to feel important in his life.” Make sense? If you have to say or write this several times a day, then do that. Keep choosing forgiveness until you start to feel yourself shift from hurt and anger into peace.
Here is an idea of how you can start the conversation…”I want you to know that I really have heard you in that you value your time and it’s really important to you that you have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. I was able to handle that for a period of time, but I have to be honest and let you know that design isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t feel connected to you in the way that I really want to feel. I am learning that I really enjoy when a guy desires to spend time with me and enjoys connecting with on a more frequent basis. I am finding myself really confused about how you really feel about me and that’s just not what I’m interested in feeling in my life. So I just want you to know that I miss you terribly and my heart’s desire is to stay with you and spend more time together. At the same time, I have no wish to ask you for something you are not inspired to give. So is this something you want to work on and try and figure out a different design that works for BOTH of us, or are you happy with how things are and not interested in figuring this out with me?”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
It’s a basic formula I like to use when confronting. The idea is to talk about YOUR experience and what isn’t working for you, then asking if they are willing to figure out a different way to go about things, or not. This way you are not saying to him it’s your way or the highway. You are asking him to be a partner…a teammate…with you to figure this out….so it’s still about BOTH of you, no one is right or wrong here…it’s just about figuring out a different way…that’s all. This approach invites him to join you vs. him feeling attacked and you making him bad and wrong.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Crystal!
Welcome! We are so glad you are hear looking for some ideas and perspective.
The first thing I want to say is, anything can happen! Have patience. I love that you guys connected the way you did. It sounds absolutely amazing and very powerful. What you need to remember as well, is you barely know him. So to offer to move your entire life when he is done, is moving quite fast for a guy you barely know. However, it doesn’t mean you can’t keep in touch and keep getting to know him and then eventually end up there!
Give this time. I understand his perspective about long distance and he is very right in a big way. Long distance is EXTREMELY tough and takes an incredible amount of work, especially if you are a brand new relationship. He has a TON of things he is already doing to get his life going, so to add a brand new long distance relationship on top of that, is probably asking too much for him. I imagine he got back into his life and felt the reality of what he was facing and decided to focus all his energy on what he needs to accomplish. Men are VERY good at that and can more easily drop relationship compared to women. The good thing is, it sounds like he is still very interested in connecting, which means you can still build and bond. Have your focus on becoming his best friend. Have your focus on being that person he wants to come to when something amazing or horrible has happened. You are building the foundation of a solid relationship that way! Go out and visit in January and just see how things go. Get to know him in HIS environment. Get to know his little habits better. Get to know who he is under stress (the most important thing you have to know about someone before giving them your heart). You need to see and EXPERIENCE all the side of him first, before you move your entire life to another country. That’s a HUGE decision and you BOTH need to make sure you fit with all sides of each other. I would suggest staying away from talking about moving there for him…just for now. Again, get to know him better, have a few more visits there and maybe he can have a few visits to where you are and just let the relationship build naturally, at whatever pace feels good for him. Give it time. NO PRESSURE! He already has a TON of pressure, so let him get through what he needs to get through. I’m sure in your visit, you guys will be intimate and the spark will happen again and probably when you come back, he may go back to being “friendly” so MAKE SURE you are clear about what you are willing to do and be with him on your visit, considering he is not currently wanting a “relationship.”
Does this help at all?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
It really is wondering connecting with you! Kanya and I love working with people who are open minded and curious. Again…you have great strength!
You know…your ability to be friends with people and talk about anything and really create a safe space for people be themselves with you…that is one of the most important qualities to have in a relationship! DO NOT EVER accept anything less than a man providing that for you as well!
We all have been lied to and fooled in our lives. However, it’s important that you don’t overshare for fear of being misunderstood. Your over talking and oversharing would be coming from a place of fear vs. just being comfortable with whatever happens. You can say the exact same things, but with a comfortable energy vs. trying to make sure someone understand you. Does this make sense?
It’s more about the ENERGY and purpose behind what you say vs. the words. So if you are coming from a place of needing to be understood vs. not caring whether or not you are understood because you are okay no matter what….it changes the entire dynamic of how the conversation feels. Besides, I can tell you from experience, that no matter how good you are at explaining yourself or having a VERY CLEAR and good intention, there are still people who are just going to take it how they need to take it. I have been misunderstood soooo many times, despite my ability to communicate, my positive intentions and my generosity. Those are difficult moments for sure, but each time, it has taught me to let go. My job is to just show up and be me, to the best of my ability and however it lands on people is about THEIR process. Sure I can learn and grow and improve AND if someone still isn’t able to see beyond their own perceptions to see who I truly am, my intentions and my good heart…then that is more about them than me. It’s not my job to convince anyone of who I am really am. Make sense? The man who is lucky enough to have you in his life, will see you and know you and feel you, not by your words, but by your heart, your actions and the way you live. That is the guy to pay attention to and invest in!!!
Heidi
Hi Nikita,
I know you love him. It’s awful to let go of that and most people do everything they can to keep feeding that love, despite the HUGE RED FLAGS that are warning you that you are heading into a lot of drama and chaos.
You guys barely know each other so you are learning part of who he is. Can you accept him for who he is and love this part of him? You are learning that he is moody, you are learning he has quite the ego and you are learning he does not care enough about how he is affecting you…at least enough to make some changes. He is showing you what you will be in relationship with, if you continue down the road of being in relationship with him. He has a wonderful side as well, no doubt. This is his not so pretty side that is part of the package.
I suggest first to step back a bit. From how you are explaining things, you are the only one reaching out and connecting, correct? It sounds like he is responding a bit more now than before. Tell me what you are saying to him when you reach out? What is it that you guys are talking about?
He knows by now, that he can treat you however he wants and you will come running back to him. He knows that he can do whatever he wants and there are no consequences. He doesn’t respect you and he knows that is okay with you. So the first thing to establish with him is how you expect to be treated. You can start by reversing the tables and stop contacting him. Let him come to you. Let him feel what it’s like to not have you reaching out to him and chasing him. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m soooo glad you are here talking this through with us. There are a few things I would like you to think about and consider.
First, I’m not a super fan of complete honesty in the beginning and here is why. If you go telling him everything you are feeling and how you are off center and how you haven’t dated much and how you can’t think clearly and you make stupid decisions when you are that way….first, it makes you a PERFECT target for a guy who wants to take advantage. You don’t know this guy and who he REALLY is. Seconds, everything you want to say comes across as if you are really insecure and many men lose interest when they feel that from a woman. They mostly get worried that the girl will become needy with him and dramatic. You don’t want either of those things to happen.
Think of it this way as well…your vulnerability is a VERY SPECIAL part of who you are. You don’t want to just open the flood gates without knowing first of all, that person is able to handle it and respect it and second, he has earned that part of you. He has built emotional safety with you through time and experience. There is trust and a like-mindedness that has been built through time and experience.
There is nothing wrong with saying “I’m just nervous” and leave it at that. I know you haven’t had a lot of experience and you wonder why this guy responded to you. I would also suggest to not ask him why. I know you are truly curious AND you are looking for him to validate you. That sets it up from the beginning where he knows you need his approval…which is you putting your personal power into HIS hands.
Between now and your meeting, work on focusing on all the WONDERFUL things you have to offer a guy. Truth is, I have no doubt you would be an amazing partner to any guy, but YOU have to know that. Men find that VERY attractive and appealing. Men love women with inner strength and a solid self esteem. I know you are working on all of that and it’s a process. But when you are with him, stay connected to the truth of who you are. Whether or not he sees that and wants to spend more time with you or not, it won’t change what a badass you really are.
So what I suggest is to ask your parents, friends or anyone you can think of, to tell you their 2-3 favorite qualities about you. If you don’t feel comfortable asking, then write them down yourself. Put it on a sticky not and place it on your mirror and read them aloud EVERY TIME you see it. Tell yourself about the beauty that you are!
Here is one quality I know about you. You are open and willing to grow. You have to have inner strength to be able to do that! Now you just gotta take that strength of spirit and transfer it over to the romance department. You have come to some amazing realizations about yourself and your life. You are brave and courageous! I can’t tell you how many times people run from the truth. You are on a path less traveled which is difficult but has high reward. That makes you unique and a seriously kickass partner in any relationship!
Tell me what other things you like about yourself and that make you an amazing catch!
heidi
Hi Melissa,
Okay…so it sounds like ending the relationship is not an option for you. You have been asking if you should just end it, so I’m wondering if you have more clarity now? If so, what has shifted for you?
In regards to talking about it, ABSOLUTELY! If you want to stay with him, you guys have to keep working through this and the best time to do that, is now when he is stable.
have the mindset to work on this together as a team and just plan to take a little step. Again…the intensity of whatever he is dealing with, is not going away. So that means it’s important for you to have the mindset that you are accepting his moods, it is always going to hurt you (as it should) and YOU need a plan about how you are going to deal with it personally. He may or may not hold up his end of the agreement, so regardless, you have to have a plan about what you are going to do when he is like that…make it very clear to him as well what your actions are going to be so he knows what to expect and then see how it goes.
You can start the conversation like this. “These moods of yours are a part of who you are and if I am going to love you, I choose to accept this part of you. It also hurts to be shut out and it is not healthy for me. I know that whatever you are feeling in those moments, you are doing the very best that you can and that thinking about how I am feeling is too much. So how about we create a plan about how to handle this better.”
So I imagine that he knows when the mood is starting to come on BEFORE he is completely consumed. At that point, maybe he can use the code word with you, or a hand signal to let you know it’s coming on….or that it’s here. Or maybe you are picking up on the energy of it before he is willing to acknowledge it and you give him the hand signal or the word asking him? And at that point, it’s probably best for you to leave. You don’t need to be around that energy as it’s harmful and he doesn’t need to feel bad by having you around knowing he is rejecting you…that can’t feel good for him. And maybe, you leaving will pull him out of the mood quickly. Sometimes, disconnecting and not participating in what is happening can actually cause him to chase you. I’ve seen that happen many times!
Or maybe you can BOTH learn some techniques to start to deal with it immediately and do them together BEFORE he sinks even deeper. How does this type of approach feel for you?In regards to why you chose this relationship, you didn’t quite answer the question. I understand why you connect with him so deeply. There are a lot of wonderful things you guys have together AND you don’t. My question was, what is in YOU that you would choose to stay with a guy who hurts himself, was verbally abusive, can’t take care of his own living expenses and has very intense moods that are very rejecting?
I know about the best, but there is something in you, that would allow yourself to be treated mean in the first place. I know he isn’t doing that anymore, but he was and you accepted it. He may not be mean now, but he still abandons you. He is carrying an incredible amount of baggage and that doesn’t change. So if you look at him as a reflection of what is in you, it can help you understand what parts of your subconscious are attracted to a relationship that wonderful AND limiting. For example, I have this VERY strong tendency to attract guys who know less than me when it comes to psychology, human behavior, metaphysics, dating etc. These are my areas of specialty and things I know a TON about…healing and growth, as much as they are my strengths and the way I live, they are also my weaknesses. Meaning, I tend to attract and be attracted to men who see those parts of me and go, “wow…you are really different. You are so interesting!” And then BAM! I found the place to feel my value in my life. The belief I have is if I have nothing to teach a guy, then I am not interesting, I am not valuable, I am not exciting or stimulating to them. It’s called our “winning formula” which is the story we create about ourselves and use to connect with people…whether or not we are aware of it. Most of my relationships, I have been more evolved and higher functioning than the guy emotionally and spiritually. The other aspect of that is that I get to stay in control on some level. I get to feel my value that way too.
Does my question make more sense? It’s more looking at the limitations of the relationship and seeing how that is reflective of what is in you that you are needing to work on inside yourself. Again, the good parts are easy…the not so good parts of a relationship are what makes or breaks a relationship. So if you look at what is in you that you would choose a guy with these kinds of limitations, you can begin to work on yourself, your needs and re-create from that space as you heal those wounded parts of yourself.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This makes a bit more sense now. Thank you for sharing more details!!
You are asking some really good questions. I’m curious about something. If you really loved him and wanted the very best from him, wouldn’t you want him to experience whatever he needs to for his growth??
I would agree with him…he TRULY needs to know what’s it like to be alone. He has hopped from one relationship to the next, without knowing who he is by himself. I have always coached people, that being alone and NOT dating for awhile, is a VERY IMPORTANT thing for EVERYBODY if they are going to be any good in a relationship. Right now, all you are focusing on is wanting him back, when that is the very thing he is trying to improve about himself. Can you love him enough and trust his process? Can you let him figure out what it means to be alone for awhile? If not, he will never be able to face whatever it is that he is running from by constantly being in relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Great questions! I really, really have so much respect for you for staying connected here. I am not saying easy things for you to hear / read. You have an incredible amount of strength to not run in the other direction, but instead to keep being vulnerable, authentic and open to hearing other guidance and perspectives. You seriously are amazing! I just want you to know that…
Okay….let’s address your questions. Let’s start with “letting him off the hook.” Just feel the energy of that statement. When reading that, not knowing ANYTHING that is happening around that statement, wouldn’t you say that is something a mother or parent would say? Wouldn’t you say that is a statement about control over someone else? Wouldn’t you say that is statement saying you are right and someone else is wrong? It’s a statement saying “someone else needs to behave differently so that I can be happy.”
I’m so glad he has changed so much over the past 2 years. You have been a good influence for him! The thing is, has he changed enough to absorb these changes as if it were truly him or is he so plugged into, that if he disconnected, he wouldn’t be able to sustain his growth? The young guy I dated for a year, he stopped smoking pot, he applied and got a college scholarship and he advanced 3 levels in his career while he was with me. Once we broke up, he went back to pot on a daily basis and his business performance went down. Thank goodness he followed through on going to college…lol. My point being, he was a better version of himself with me, but only because he was plugged into my energy and my level of functioning. Once unplugged, he couldn’t sustain that level on his own, because of the people he chose to surround himself with.
Again, you are at a higher level of functioning than he is, therefore it automatically sets it up for you to be more “adult” than him…therefore you become the parent and him the child….and you keep getting hurt over and over and over again that he is the child.
The REAL issue here is in you…not him. You are the one who chose to get into relationship with a guy who is carrying an incredible amount of baggage and even was harming himself. You picked a guy who doesn’t have the capacity to support you emotionally. You picked a guy who you are rescuing all of the time. So what is in YOU, that would choose a relationship like this?
He doesn’t need you to be his teacher. Teaching him won’t do a darn thing with whatever it is that he is carrying around inside of himself. He needs REAL help if he is going to survive his life. He is no good to ANYONE as a romantic partner. Yes, he knows how to have fun with you and be affectionate / romantic and say sorry, but that’s about it. No relationship will ever last on that alone.
Imagine a relationship where you could say, “Listen, when you do….it hurts. I end up feeling left alone.” Then you have a very adult conversation about it. He asks more questions to understand you more and then he tells you about what’s happening for him when he does that and then he says, “I get it. How about I work on doing……and let’s see how it goes. Keep talking with me about it though.”
What would it feel like to date a man who can pay for dinners and trips? What would it feel like to date a man who has good communication with you? What would it feel like to date a man who doesn’t need to rely on his parents? How would it feel to date a man you don’t have to “worry” about the way he lives his life, because you actually respect him? He is not this guy, so if you want that kind of experience, then it’s time for you to say no to what you are choosing right now. If you are not ready to do that yet, that’s okay! Only you can know when you are done.Heidi
Hi Tina,
I think it’s a great idea that you talk to him. You have reached a point where the design of how you guys are interacting is not okay anymore. He seems good with how things are going, but for you…you are wanting more and there is nothing wrong with that, as long as it’s not asking from him anything that he isn’t willing to give or be.
So before you talk to him, it’s important to get VERY CLEAR about what you want. So…what do you want from him?
Heidi
Hi Ariane,
Glad you like that approach! What I like to encourage people to do when approaching conflict or an uncomfortable conversation, go in the with the mindset of “curiosity.” That means you ask questions instead of accusing and assuming…which usually leads to conflict. So instead of saying “you are distant and don’t contact me as much anymore” you say “if feels like we are not as connected as we used to be. What is your experience?” Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you do….” you say “when you do…..it hurts. Can you help me understand what is happening for you when you do…..I would like to understand it more.”
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Marzena,
Thank you for more details.
I wonder what would happen if you pulled back and stopped initiating contact with him. The way the relationship is designed right now, is that it’s all about him. He helps you when he feels like it, he knows that you love him and will do anything for him whenever he wants, even if he ignores you most of the time, so he can ask you to dinner and knows you will say yes, you will have sex when he wants etc. Everything is about him. You try to initiate, you try to talk, you try to create time with him, but he just ignores you. So basically, when he says jump and you jump. He gets what he wants and doesn’t really care about how it’s affecting you. What that’s telling him, is that you don’t respect yourself very much. You have no boundaries, so he can do and be whatever he wants without consequence. He will view that as desperate and weak energy and therefore he can take advantage of that.
So really, if you want the relationship to change, you have to change first. What can you do to set some boundaries that feel good for you? Giving him everything he wants anytime he wants is not healthy for any relationship. I know you are just trying to hold onto him and keep his attention, but it’s not working. You are feeling awful in this relationship and that’s because you have lost yourself. So what can you do to find yourself again? What kinds of things can you do that make you feel strong and respected??
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I truly love your process! You are really in a wonderful growth spurt where you are identifying what is and isn’t yours and the kind of person you want to be. The more you learn about yourself, the more you will learn about others. The reason I am able to read people and situations sooooo well, is because of all of the work I have done on myself. We are all the same on a foundational level, so when you identify things about yourself, you will instantly be able to spot that energy in someone else. You are doing such a great job!!!!
Let’s talk about the word fragile for a minute. The way I meant the word fragile, is he lets his fears control him. Anyone who lets their fear be in the driver’s seat and control their choices, is fragile. I am fragile in certain areas of my life. We all are. That fear is protecting us from something…usually from being hurt…because we don’t have full confidence in ourselves that we can handle the hurt…therefore, we are fragile. The difference between all of us and our personal levels of fragility, is how much fear we carry around and how much it controls our life. So your guy is fragile, you are fragile, we all are fragile in one way or another. The goal here is resilience. When someone is really resilient, they KNOW that no matter what happens in their life, it won’t “break” them. They KNOW they can handle rejection, abandonment, betrayal, death, loss etc. All of those things are awful and intense and horrible to go through, but having a belief and a TRUST IN YOURSELF that you will be okay and get through it…that is resilience. When resilience is in the driver’s seat, a person makes decisions from that space and not the fear. Fear is still there of course, but resilience will win. It’s a mindset of saying to the fear, “I get that you are afraid of opening up to the person for fear they will abandon you. It’s okay. You are strong enough, intelligent enough, wise enough, supported enough to be able to handle it if he does abandon you. We are going to be okay, so we are going to walk forward one more step, even WITH all of this fear.” Does this make sense?
In regards to you saying that ” I’m not afraid of anything emotional, he’s not afraid of anything physical” I want to invite you to think about it as one and the same. We are NEVER just physical or emotional beings. One area of our lives ALWAYS affects other areas, constantly. You both are afraid of being abandoned and it’s EXACTLY the same…not different. The access points are different, but the fear of your heart hurting is EXACTLY the same. Fear lives in our mind, body and spirit….all places, all at once. I’m glad you guys had a talk about this and were both able to open up and share this! You both are choosing vulnerability, one step at a time, which is awesome!!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin and all that verbal abuse you received from your mom. It’s awful and I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds like you are ready now to begin to acknowledge and face all the layers and walls and limiting beliefs that have affected your life. As you begin to uncover all of this, you will have new freedoms and insights that empower you to live your life from a place of resilience and less fear. Have you ever worked with a therapist or really dug in there about everything that happened??
Heidi
