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Hi Carolyn,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
I’m a little confused. You have had these symptoms for 2.5+ years yes? You said you want him to come back so you can raise the baby together. So I’m a bit confused. You are not having a baby, correct? It is a form of pregnancy, but not a form of pregnancy that produces a child…correct? I just want to make sure I am clear.
First and foremost, it’s important to understand what was going on for him, that he left. I imagine he doesn’t understand what is going on with you with this pregnancy. You are dealing with some pretty incredible symptoms with your body. Did he even want kids? You mentioned that maybe he just thought of you as a nice lady who shared many common interests. How come you think that? Were you guys committed? How long were you together? Did you guys ever talk about your futures together?
When he cheated, how did you handle that? What that what broke the relationship? Do you know why he cheated, specifically? Meaning…did he admit to being unhappy or anything specific like that?
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s a lot and it’s all confusing. This is a safe place for you to come and be yourself. We are happy to be hear for you and help you work through your challenges!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for all that you are sharing. Again, I love your honesty, your authenticity and your courage to truly show yourself here!
I’m not surprised at all that you called him and woke him up for work and you will do it again and again and again. There is something deep inside of you that has a strong relationship with the chaos, the drama, the challenge. On some level, it’s serving you. It’s serving you enough to keep you connected. And that’s okay. Like I said before, I’ve done this before too. You will either just keep doing this or at some point, you will be in enough pain to finally call it quits and face your fear of being alone. It’s all okay! When you behave like his mother again, try and notice a few things. What EXACTLY is your need in that moment when you are mothering him? It’s not for him to get to work on time…dig deeper. What’s YOUR need? When the anxiety starts to show up, what are your thoughts that you are having? You said you tried techniques, but what were they?
I’m sure he ready your email. And if he didn’t read it, that’s okay. It’s a conversation you feel you need to have, so you just create it with him. First, make sure that you stay away from comments where you point the finger at him. So saying, “When you go into that sunken place YOU ABANDON ME.” That last part is pointing the finger at him. Truth is, he is not abandoning you. He is abandoning himself. That triggers you into doing the same exact thing…you end up abandoning yourself at that point as well. So when you confront, you don’t want to blame, you just want to shine a light on your experience. So instead you would say, “when you go into that sunken place, it’s really hard for me to feel you disconnect.” Does this make sense?
I suggest to set a date. Go somewhere nice, get a little more dressed up and be in an environment that has good memories for you guys, or somewhere that has a really good vibe about it. And just talk. He is going to avoid creating the conversation, so you can say something like, “let’s go out somewhere romantic and let’s talk about my email. I really want to create a plan for when those moods show up. I know we can figure something out. We will give it shot and if that doesn’t work, we will try another way. And then at the end of the night, let’s come back to my place and I will (fill in the blank – get flirty and sexy and tell him what you want to do to him.).” Approaching the topic this way, can help him feel like you aren’t going anywhere, you aren’t going to “reprimand” him and you are his teammate and want to work WITH him vs. tell him how bad or wrong he is. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi NM,
Thank you for more information.
So where do your reactions come from? Meaning…how come you react the way you do about ex’s? And what specifically are you feeling when ex’s are talked about? Jealousy? Anger? Hurt? Insecure? And when the ex’s are talked about, what is the argument actually about? And when you say you can’t let go and need reassurance, what do you need reassurance about specifically? What are you asking the guy to do for you?
I’m glad to hear you are learning more about how important it is for a man to feel respected. Have you apologized for whatever happened? And if yes, tell me how you apologized. What did you say?
I do suggest to keep having patience and give it more time. Whatever specifically happened that has caused him to pull away from you, caused some strong damage. One of the best ways to repair damage is to correct, in yourself, whatever you did. It’s more than just reading though. You had some kind of emotional reaction about something that was strong enough that caused him to run the other direction. What are you doing to work on that part of yourself? I know you are here and you are reading the material. Educating yourself is a CRUCIAL part of that. The other part is working on the SOURCE of what causes your reactions. For example, if I have a tendency to get really jealous, I can read about it all I want, but it doesn’t actually change that I get jealous in the first place. I have to go inside and look at the beliefs and wounds I carry about myself and others. Once I deeply connect with those, then I can heal those parts of myself that sabotage relationship with jealousy. THEN….I actually will stop becoming jealous. I’m saying this, because whatever happened between you guys, there is no way he is coming back unless you have changed. He needs to know, feel and see that you are doing DEEPER work to face that part of yourself that contributed to the damage. When he starts to see and feel you are different, he may be willing to give it another shot. It may take awhile, so it’s important for you to have patience.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi NM,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I’m a little confused about your situation. Would you be willing to offer more detail about what you mean that you are “sensitive” when it comes to confrontation? It helps us to understand the dynamics, so we can offer better guidance.
In general though, if this “sensitive” issue has caused relationships to end, as well as this current one, I want to ask what you are doing to work on this challenge you have? It seems to really be blocking a long term experience with a guy, so what steps are you taking to work on healing that part of yourself?
Also, as friendly as he is being, it still seems from you said, that he is not interested and his feelings have shifted. He is being nice, but it doesn’t sound like he is being romantic or interested in anything further with you.
If you want him back, it is about really looking at what made him leave in the first place. Is that something you can fix? Is that something you can work on and shift? Is whatever happened, a good reason for him to leave? Would you have left you with whatever happened?
Heidi
Hi Eline,
Welcome! These are great questions! I understand why you are confused and not sure how to go about things.
First and foremost, you want a guy who is ALIGNED with his actions AND his words. When a guy is sending mixed messages, it means DRAMA!!! He could be playing a game and is very good at it. There are plenty of guys out there who know how to catch a woman’s attention. They know what to say, to act interested, how to be romantic and play with a woman’s heart strings….and then they get to have sex with her AND they get to have her chase him…which means very little work for him. And when the girl starts to pressure for more, they know to keep reminding her “I’m not interested in a relationship ‘right now.’ I have told you that.” I’ve come across plenty of guys who know how to play some version of that game.
The fact that he was soooo into you and saying those really intense and meaningful things on the first date…makes me wonder about him though. He says he doesn’t want a relationship yet he says some pretty intimate and heartfelt things that you really only should be saying to someone you WANT to be in relationship with. When guys offer compliments that are BIG and meaningful compliments, WITHOUT knowing you, it’s a RED FLAG for me. He doesn’t know you well enough to be saying he found “the one” on the first date….then to turn around a week later and say he is not interested in a relationship right now.
So I would like to suggest to test it out. Stop initiating contact and see what he does. Let him chase you. I’m curious too, when he suggests to meet up, do you actually go out on a date and talk and get to know each other, or is it just for you to come over and then you guys have sex?
Either way…he is confusing and that usually means he is either playing a game or is confused himself. That means a lot of confusion for you as he sends you a lot of mixed signals. Wouldn’t you rather invest your time and energy into a guy who is ALIGNED and knows, WITHOUT A DOUBT, he wants to get to know you and spend time with you. I imagine you want to spend time with a guy who initiated contact with you because he likes connecting with you. Imagine a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from scooping you up to be his and his only.
Thoughts?
Hi Rhonda,
Good question! Getting out of things is always uncomfortable. You just have to be willing to be uncomfortable and know that he will have a reaction, one way or the other and that’s okay.
You can simply say something like, “I’m so sorry to do this to you, but I am going to back out of the board meeting dinner. I always like to try new things, but I’m finding I am at my capacity right now and I am saying “yes” to too many activities. I am really out of balance and need to reign myself in and start getting comfortable saying “no” more often. So I need to say to no to you. I really apologize and hope you can forgive me.”
How does something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
Great questions! Just take those statements as a nice compliment. He desires to be with you and that always feels good! Then leave it at that. No need to try and read between the lines with anything. Instead, just receive it and enjoy it and know that he probably felt that way IN THE MOMENT and that’s wonderful!
Again, I want to encourage you to slow down. I know you are crazy about him and that is so wonderful! Enjoy it! Just make sure your strong feelings are also supported by time and experience to know who he REALLY is…that’s all. Meaning, no need to make any decisions at the moment. Just be patient. You will go visit him and January and gather more information about him. Again, remember that you haven’t seen his worst side yet. He could be verbally or physically abusive, he could be that guy who completely disconnects and ignores you when he gets upset, he could be a great communicator when he is stressed out like crazy….you just don’t know the worst about him yet and whether or not he is first of all, a safe person to be around and second of all, if he has enough of a skillset to support a lasting relationship. He needs to know these things about you as well!
It’s okay to go crazy for this guy and really have your feelings. It’s just also important to make sure he is someone who is deserving of your very precious and sacred heart. You need to learn that he is physically and emotionally safe for you through EXPERIENCE with him. You need to see how he handles stress in his life that triggers him and he needs to see this about you as well, BEFORE moving your life there to be with him. That takes time.
If you feel it’s appropriate when you visit in January, you can always keep it super light and say something like, “You know…I could see myself here at some point. I really like you and I together so far and feel there is potential for us. If you are willing to do long distance for a period of time so we can REALLY get to know each other, if all goes well and we both feel good about it, I would be willing to move here. Is that something you would consider?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
Great questions!!! I love all of your thoughts and feelings that you are sharing. This is a good place to vent and let the energy flow instead of holding it all in.
Here is the thing. First and foremost, BEFORE you talk with him, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Forgive him for not being the kind of boyfriend you needed him to be. And get specific. For example, you could say / write “I forgive him for not being the kind of boyfriend I needed him to be which was attentive, honest, connective and caring about my experience. I forgive him for not being curious about me and fighting for me in his life. I forgive him for the fears he chooses to carry which will always keep me at a distance from him.” “I forgive myself for not being able to get my needs met which are to be seen and known by him, to be fought for and to be cared about and to feel important in his life.” Make sense? If you have to say or write this several times a day, then do that. Keep choosing forgiveness until you start to feel yourself shift from hurt and anger into peace.
Here is an idea of how you can start the conversation…”I want you to know that I really have heard you in that you value your time and it’s really important to you that you have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. I was able to handle that for a period of time, but I have to be honest and let you know that design isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t feel connected to you in the way that I really want to feel. I am learning that I really enjoy when a guy desires to spend time with me and enjoys connecting with on a more frequent basis. I am finding myself really confused about how you really feel about me and that’s just not what I’m interested in feeling in my life. So I just want you to know that I miss you terribly and my heart’s desire is to stay with you and spend more time together. At the same time, I have no wish to ask you for something you are not inspired to give. So is this something you want to work on and try and figure out a different design that works for BOTH of us, or are you happy with how things are and not interested in figuring this out with me?”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
It’s a basic formula I like to use when confronting. The idea is to talk about YOUR experience and what isn’t working for you, then asking if they are willing to figure out a different way to go about things, or not. This way you are not saying to him it’s your way or the highway. You are asking him to be a partner…a teammate…with you to figure this out….so it’s still about BOTH of you, no one is right or wrong here…it’s just about figuring out a different way…that’s all. This approach invites him to join you vs. him feeling attacked and you making him bad and wrong.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Crystal!
Welcome! We are so glad you are hear looking for some ideas and perspective.
The first thing I want to say is, anything can happen! Have patience. I love that you guys connected the way you did. It sounds absolutely amazing and very powerful. What you need to remember as well, is you barely know him. So to offer to move your entire life when he is done, is moving quite fast for a guy you barely know. However, it doesn’t mean you can’t keep in touch and keep getting to know him and then eventually end up there!
Give this time. I understand his perspective about long distance and he is very right in a big way. Long distance is EXTREMELY tough and takes an incredible amount of work, especially if you are a brand new relationship. He has a TON of things he is already doing to get his life going, so to add a brand new long distance relationship on top of that, is probably asking too much for him. I imagine he got back into his life and felt the reality of what he was facing and decided to focus all his energy on what he needs to accomplish. Men are VERY good at that and can more easily drop relationship compared to women. The good thing is, it sounds like he is still very interested in connecting, which means you can still build and bond. Have your focus on becoming his best friend. Have your focus on being that person he wants to come to when something amazing or horrible has happened. You are building the foundation of a solid relationship that way! Go out and visit in January and just see how things go. Get to know him in HIS environment. Get to know his little habits better. Get to know who he is under stress (the most important thing you have to know about someone before giving them your heart). You need to see and EXPERIENCE all the side of him first, before you move your entire life to another country. That’s a HUGE decision and you BOTH need to make sure you fit with all sides of each other. I would suggest staying away from talking about moving there for him…just for now. Again, get to know him better, have a few more visits there and maybe he can have a few visits to where you are and just let the relationship build naturally, at whatever pace feels good for him. Give it time. NO PRESSURE! He already has a TON of pressure, so let him get through what he needs to get through. I’m sure in your visit, you guys will be intimate and the spark will happen again and probably when you come back, he may go back to being “friendly” so MAKE SURE you are clear about what you are willing to do and be with him on your visit, considering he is not currently wanting a “relationship.”
Does this help at all?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
It really is wondering connecting with you! Kanya and I love working with people who are open minded and curious. Again…you have great strength!
You know…your ability to be friends with people and talk about anything and really create a safe space for people be themselves with you…that is one of the most important qualities to have in a relationship! DO NOT EVER accept anything less than a man providing that for you as well!
We all have been lied to and fooled in our lives. However, it’s important that you don’t overshare for fear of being misunderstood. Your over talking and oversharing would be coming from a place of fear vs. just being comfortable with whatever happens. You can say the exact same things, but with a comfortable energy vs. trying to make sure someone understand you. Does this make sense?
It’s more about the ENERGY and purpose behind what you say vs. the words. So if you are coming from a place of needing to be understood vs. not caring whether or not you are understood because you are okay no matter what….it changes the entire dynamic of how the conversation feels. Besides, I can tell you from experience, that no matter how good you are at explaining yourself or having a VERY CLEAR and good intention, there are still people who are just going to take it how they need to take it. I have been misunderstood soooo many times, despite my ability to communicate, my positive intentions and my generosity. Those are difficult moments for sure, but each time, it has taught me to let go. My job is to just show up and be me, to the best of my ability and however it lands on people is about THEIR process. Sure I can learn and grow and improve AND if someone still isn’t able to see beyond their own perceptions to see who I truly am, my intentions and my good heart…then that is more about them than me. It’s not my job to convince anyone of who I am really am. Make sense? The man who is lucky enough to have you in his life, will see you and know you and feel you, not by your words, but by your heart, your actions and the way you live. That is the guy to pay attention to and invest in!!!
Heidi
Hi Nikita,
I know you love him. It’s awful to let go of that and most people do everything they can to keep feeding that love, despite the HUGE RED FLAGS that are warning you that you are heading into a lot of drama and chaos.
You guys barely know each other so you are learning part of who he is. Can you accept him for who he is and love this part of him? You are learning that he is moody, you are learning he has quite the ego and you are learning he does not care enough about how he is affecting you…at least enough to make some changes. He is showing you what you will be in relationship with, if you continue down the road of being in relationship with him. He has a wonderful side as well, no doubt. This is his not so pretty side that is part of the package.
I suggest first to step back a bit. From how you are explaining things, you are the only one reaching out and connecting, correct? It sounds like he is responding a bit more now than before. Tell me what you are saying to him when you reach out? What is it that you guys are talking about?
He knows by now, that he can treat you however he wants and you will come running back to him. He knows that he can do whatever he wants and there are no consequences. He doesn’t respect you and he knows that is okay with you. So the first thing to establish with him is how you expect to be treated. You can start by reversing the tables and stop contacting him. Let him come to you. Let him feel what it’s like to not have you reaching out to him and chasing him. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m soooo glad you are here talking this through with us. There are a few things I would like you to think about and consider.
First, I’m not a super fan of complete honesty in the beginning and here is why. If you go telling him everything you are feeling and how you are off center and how you haven’t dated much and how you can’t think clearly and you make stupid decisions when you are that way….first, it makes you a PERFECT target for a guy who wants to take advantage. You don’t know this guy and who he REALLY is. Seconds, everything you want to say comes across as if you are really insecure and many men lose interest when they feel that from a woman. They mostly get worried that the girl will become needy with him and dramatic. You don’t want either of those things to happen.
Think of it this way as well…your vulnerability is a VERY SPECIAL part of who you are. You don’t want to just open the flood gates without knowing first of all, that person is able to handle it and respect it and second, he has earned that part of you. He has built emotional safety with you through time and experience. There is trust and a like-mindedness that has been built through time and experience.
There is nothing wrong with saying “I’m just nervous” and leave it at that. I know you haven’t had a lot of experience and you wonder why this guy responded to you. I would also suggest to not ask him why. I know you are truly curious AND you are looking for him to validate you. That sets it up from the beginning where he knows you need his approval…which is you putting your personal power into HIS hands.
Between now and your meeting, work on focusing on all the WONDERFUL things you have to offer a guy. Truth is, I have no doubt you would be an amazing partner to any guy, but YOU have to know that. Men find that VERY attractive and appealing. Men love women with inner strength and a solid self esteem. I know you are working on all of that and it’s a process. But when you are with him, stay connected to the truth of who you are. Whether or not he sees that and wants to spend more time with you or not, it won’t change what a badass you really are.
So what I suggest is to ask your parents, friends or anyone you can think of, to tell you their 2-3 favorite qualities about you. If you don’t feel comfortable asking, then write them down yourself. Put it on a sticky not and place it on your mirror and read them aloud EVERY TIME you see it. Tell yourself about the beauty that you are!
Here is one quality I know about you. You are open and willing to grow. You have to have inner strength to be able to do that! Now you just gotta take that strength of spirit and transfer it over to the romance department. You have come to some amazing realizations about yourself and your life. You are brave and courageous! I can’t tell you how many times people run from the truth. You are on a path less traveled which is difficult but has high reward. That makes you unique and a seriously kickass partner in any relationship!
Tell me what other things you like about yourself and that make you an amazing catch!
heidi
Hi Melissa,
Okay…so it sounds like ending the relationship is not an option for you. You have been asking if you should just end it, so I’m wondering if you have more clarity now? If so, what has shifted for you?
In regards to talking about it, ABSOLUTELY! If you want to stay with him, you guys have to keep working through this and the best time to do that, is now when he is stable.
have the mindset to work on this together as a team and just plan to take a little step. Again…the intensity of whatever he is dealing with, is not going away. So that means it’s important for you to have the mindset that you are accepting his moods, it is always going to hurt you (as it should) and YOU need a plan about how you are going to deal with it personally. He may or may not hold up his end of the agreement, so regardless, you have to have a plan about what you are going to do when he is like that…make it very clear to him as well what your actions are going to be so he knows what to expect and then see how it goes.
You can start the conversation like this. “These moods of yours are a part of who you are and if I am going to love you, I choose to accept this part of you. It also hurts to be shut out and it is not healthy for me. I know that whatever you are feeling in those moments, you are doing the very best that you can and that thinking about how I am feeling is too much. So how about we create a plan about how to handle this better.”
So I imagine that he knows when the mood is starting to come on BEFORE he is completely consumed. At that point, maybe he can use the code word with you, or a hand signal to let you know it’s coming on….or that it’s here. Or maybe you are picking up on the energy of it before he is willing to acknowledge it and you give him the hand signal or the word asking him? And at that point, it’s probably best for you to leave. You don’t need to be around that energy as it’s harmful and he doesn’t need to feel bad by having you around knowing he is rejecting you…that can’t feel good for him. And maybe, you leaving will pull him out of the mood quickly. Sometimes, disconnecting and not participating in what is happening can actually cause him to chase you. I’ve seen that happen many times!
Or maybe you can BOTH learn some techniques to start to deal with it immediately and do them together BEFORE he sinks even deeper. How does this type of approach feel for you?In regards to why you chose this relationship, you didn’t quite answer the question. I understand why you connect with him so deeply. There are a lot of wonderful things you guys have together AND you don’t. My question was, what is in YOU that you would choose to stay with a guy who hurts himself, was verbally abusive, can’t take care of his own living expenses and has very intense moods that are very rejecting?
I know about the best, but there is something in you, that would allow yourself to be treated mean in the first place. I know he isn’t doing that anymore, but he was and you accepted it. He may not be mean now, but he still abandons you. He is carrying an incredible amount of baggage and that doesn’t change. So if you look at him as a reflection of what is in you, it can help you understand what parts of your subconscious are attracted to a relationship that wonderful AND limiting. For example, I have this VERY strong tendency to attract guys who know less than me when it comes to psychology, human behavior, metaphysics, dating etc. These are my areas of specialty and things I know a TON about…healing and growth, as much as they are my strengths and the way I live, they are also my weaknesses. Meaning, I tend to attract and be attracted to men who see those parts of me and go, “wow…you are really different. You are so interesting!” And then BAM! I found the place to feel my value in my life. The belief I have is if I have nothing to teach a guy, then I am not interesting, I am not valuable, I am not exciting or stimulating to them. It’s called our “winning formula” which is the story we create about ourselves and use to connect with people…whether or not we are aware of it. Most of my relationships, I have been more evolved and higher functioning than the guy emotionally and spiritually. The other aspect of that is that I get to stay in control on some level. I get to feel my value that way too.
Does my question make more sense? It’s more looking at the limitations of the relationship and seeing how that is reflective of what is in you that you are needing to work on inside yourself. Again, the good parts are easy…the not so good parts of a relationship are what makes or breaks a relationship. So if you look at what is in you that you would choose a guy with these kinds of limitations, you can begin to work on yourself, your needs and re-create from that space as you heal those wounded parts of yourself.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This makes a bit more sense now. Thank you for sharing more details!!
You are asking some really good questions. I’m curious about something. If you really loved him and wanted the very best from him, wouldn’t you want him to experience whatever he needs to for his growth??
I would agree with him…he TRULY needs to know what’s it like to be alone. He has hopped from one relationship to the next, without knowing who he is by himself. I have always coached people, that being alone and NOT dating for awhile, is a VERY IMPORTANT thing for EVERYBODY if they are going to be any good in a relationship. Right now, all you are focusing on is wanting him back, when that is the very thing he is trying to improve about himself. Can you love him enough and trust his process? Can you let him figure out what it means to be alone for awhile? If not, he will never be able to face whatever it is that he is running from by constantly being in relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
