Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Melissa,
I think it’s great that you just tell him how you are going to handle things differently next time he gets moody. No need to get into the “why” at this point. It’s really no different than when you shifted your mindset about the money. You just let him know your boundaries and that’s it. Just see what happens and experiment. If the conversation happens to come up and you feel inspired to share the details of the “why,” then that’s okay too! Go with the flow….
As far as your trip in August, I understand why you would be disappointed. He needs to choose the tour with his band. That’s the reality about the kind of dream he has and what nourishes his soul. Let go of the trip. Can you find a way to create another trip earlier in the year? Or later in the year? What can you do to re-create what you were excited about?
Heidi
Hi Nancy,
It really is so difficult to be clear about how we are feeling and the connection we have with someone mixed with how the relationship actually functions.
Long distance is sooooo hard, especially if you are trying to build a relationship from scratch. You end up building up and idea about this person based on your own imagination. You may have the general facts about each other, but what’s missing are all the little details of daily living, that are so important to know about someone. I have seen it happen over and over and over again, where couples start out long distance and get to know each other well that way. They have frequent visits and daily contact and then finally they figure out a way to be together in the same city….then reality hits and they run into a million different challenges they didn’t see coming.
I like that you are willing to take more time to really think this through. I think more than anything, it’s great that you got to have an experience of yourself putting in more effort and wanting to connect deeper. This is great! You know you have it in you! It doesn’t mean this guy is “the one,” it just means you have it in you and it sounds like you are ready to really feel that part of yourself. Maybe consider moving on and connecting with a guy who is close by? Maybe consider really working on taking things much slower with the next guy? It sounds like you are ready for a deeper experience, yes?
Heidi
Emily!!! yayayayaya!!!! I was soooo excited reading this update!!! It’s spectacular! I know it’s still really new, but so far so good! He is definitely putting in the effort to connect with you…which means he FEELS your value in his life. Wooohooo! What are you going to do for his birthday?
How did you guys meet??
Heidi
Hi Heather!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing you challenges with us.
First and foremost, he is not going to feel emotionally safe with you if you were constantly changing your mind about you felt about him. The pattern of breaking up and getting back together really causes some deep damage and mistrust in the relationship. He is doing some version of that by being hot and cold with you, just like you did to him by breaking up and then getting back together. You guys are in a really unhealthy pattern and need to work on the core root cause of all of this, if there is going to be healing and emotional safety with each other.
You said that you are changing your ways…how? What have you done SPECIFICALLY, to work on those changes? Reading books? Learning new techniques to handle your emotions? Working with a therapist?
If you want him to be emotionally stable and consistent with you, you have to be that first and foremost within yourself. Do you know what has caused you to be so up and down with him? Is this a normal pattern with guys you have dated in the past? Are you connected to the root cause of why you are like this?
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
This is such a bummer! I can see why you are confused.
First, I wonder how honest your guy is being. The doctor you worked for, had the impression he met his girlfriend, so it makes me wonder what was happening that gave him that impression. Is there a way to ask and get more information? It’s possible your guy is lying.
Second, the fact that he is still attracted to a woman who brought out his worst, is also telling you about some baggage he is carrying around. I wonder if he grew up in a crappy home and had a lot of drama and chaos. Do you know? When you grow up in a home like that, you end up attracting similar experiences as an adult, because that’s what you are used to, it’s familiar and it’s comfortable on a big level. If this energy is still living in his psyche, there is no way you and him will have sustainability. At some point, he will sabotage his happy with you. I know it sounds weird, but it’s a VERY COMMON thing….people will start to get what they want and feel happy, but then they ruin it, because subconsciously, they have a program / belief system running their lives saying, “don’t trust happy. Something bad always happens, you don’t deserve, being happy isn’t safe etc.” My guess is, he has something like this running through his veins, which is why he might still be attracted to his ex. And that fact that he is upset that he is not married and has kids by now, he needs to deal with that program. If he would choose to go back into misery just so he can say he is married and has kids, then he is more messed up than you realize. You want a guy who would design his life that way???? You want a guy who would consciously choose misery for himself?? I know you think if you were there, this wouldn’t happen. Maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t change what he would actually choose and who he is deep inside. There was no issue when you guys were together, because it was only a month AND he knew he was leaving. You know how people can just let go on vacation and they do things they normally wouldn’t do? My guess is, he felt safe to be free and open and wonderful with you, because he knew he was leaving in a month. You saw the best parts of him for sure, but whether or not that is sustainable, is a completely different story.
These are things you need to watch and observe and find out more details about. If anything, I hope this slows you down and causes you to really take a step back with your heart and tread more slowly.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
So how did it go with that guy? The one you needed to tell “no” to…
Well done with that attitude about work. You are looking at it as another exciting adventure vs. panicking. You are centered and grounded and you just know you will be provided for.
As far as you being vulnerable, maybe a better word is authentic. Every single person on this earth has a lot of experience being let down. It’s the reality of being human, so I’m not surprised you have that programming that “you can’t rely on anyone.” That’s still going to be true sometimes. Whatever guy you end up with, he will let you down and you will let him down. He will not be a good leader sometimes and you will not be a good follower sometimes. Being that the belief that you can’t rely on anyone and you have do everything yourself, is sticking in your psyche, maybe it’s time to do some forgiveness work and release it. If it’s the cause of you not feeling safe to be vulnerable and authentic, then it really could make a great impact on how you interact with a man and what you attract into your life.
I also want to invite you to pay attention to your wording. You keep saying you want a man to take care of you and that would not be a way to attract a healthy man into your life. You want a man who you can “share” life with. You want a man who you enjoy leading and following. You want a man who brings balance into your life. These statements have a completely different energetic feeling to them compared to “I want a man who can take care of me.” Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Alyssa,
I know how crazy and fast all of this feels for you. I have been in his shoes before. The reason it all can happen so fast is because you both went away to college and your entire lives changed! When you entire life changes, you get all kinds of new information about who you are and how you feel. College is the very first time away from parents. It’s the first level of adulthood and freedom. It’s the first time in your lives where you are not at home and constantly dealing with parents. Everything changes, therefore desires and feelings and who you think you are, is changing…and fast. Then things stabilize and even out.
Understand that men and women go through breakups VERY differently and we experience relationship and love very differently. You are trying to understand him from your perspective and experience. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It will NEVER make sense because you are not in his world anymore. He is getting to know a whole new part of who he is. That is a stronger, more important thing for him to go through than to be in relationship with you. The pull he feels to be alone and figure out who the heck he is, is stronger than his need for love and connection. It has nothing to do with you, it just has to do with his need to grow up and to do it alone. This allows him to re-shape his identity without anyone influencing him. This is so important developmentally. He HAS to go through this if he is going to develop a more healthy and balanced spirit.
Us ladies are soooo much more designed and attuned for love. We couldn’t imagine letting go of love if there was nothing “wrong.” We are just different than men and because of it, we end up hurting a lot more sometimes.
And even if all of this doesn’t make sense to you still, it’s okay. There is a skill that is VERY hard to have in life, but is ESSENTIAL to have if you are going to make it through your life. It’s learning how to be okay and accept that you just will not know. I call that “being comfortable in the unknown.” It’s hard. You just accept what is, you accept you may never know and you close the door anyway and move on. There are MANY moments that will show up like this in your life. Now is a good time to start practicing letting go and forgiving even when you don’t have the answers you want.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
These are great feelings and thoughts you are connected to! Thank you for sharing.
Here is a harsh reality. You would most likely lose him if you weren’t doing everything you are to keep him together.He is like a wooden puppet with strings for you. He wouldn’t move and have the life he has without you. If you cut the strings, he would find out who he REALLY is, feel the consequences of his choices and then he would see what he is really made of…and so would you. My guess is, you wouldn’t be able to sustain / tolerate a relationship with him were you not doing everything you are to keep him together. His brother is right. All you are doing is emasculating him, enabling him and preventing him from growing up by constantly managing his life. Again, I know how wonderful the connection is as well and that is the hard part to let go of. It’s okay! You get to have this kind of relationship!
The thing is, the anxiety you feel when you know he may not show up for work is sooooo big that trying to deal with it in the moment, is like trying to put a bandaid on a gaping laceration that is bleeding like crazy. It doesn’t work. Your anxiety is just a symptom of some deep wounds and insecurities you are carrying and have existed way before you met your guy. Your guy is just triggering all of it.
If you want to stop the anxiety and really let go of control and let him grow up, then you have to deal with whatever is happening inside of you…your fears, your insecurities, your need for control. Otherwise, you won’t be able to manage your anxiety and the story you create around it. You will just fall back into the pattern of mothering and constantly holding him accountable. Remember this quote from Einstein? “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” He is not going to change. I know you said he has grown quite a bit and has made changes, but he hasn’t changed enough for you to change. You still are in control, you still are the adult / mother in the relationship, you still are dealing with anxiety, you still are dealing with his moods and major rejection. So if you really want this to change, it is within YOU, not him. It is in YOU where your anxiety, need for control and fear of being alone lives. So are you willing to work on yourself? Maybe find a coach or therapist to help you go deeper into the source of what’s going on for you?
Heidi
Hi NM,
Thank you for sharing more details. It all makes sense.
My guess is that he is just not interested in being in a relationship where he has to work so hard to make you feel secure. Men want a woman who is strong on the inside and not needy. This is going to be a big challenge for you. You are wanting him, or any guy you are dating, to make you feel better about yourself and make you feel important. That isn’t their job. That is YOUR job. You can apologize all you want, but he is right. It isn’t enough, because this kind of need for reassurance does not just go away and you will end up doing it again and again in various ways. He could reassure you until he is blue in the face and it won’t change anything. You will still need reassurance again at some point. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with water and it never gets full, because the water just ends up leaking out of a hole at the bottom. No one can be happy in a relationship like that. It’s exhausting and all the efforts that are made never make a difference.
If you don’t know where this insecurity is coming from and where this belief you have about exes was created, then you haven’t really changed. It’s a deep rooted belief and pattern you have that doesn’t change just by reading a book and learning, although that is definitely helpful! This kind of pattern and need for reassurance usually has YEARS of being in your mind and body and it takes some deeper digging and healing the wounds to shift your behavior and reactions.
Exes do make up our identity on some level. They shape us. So do our teachers and parents and animals and every other person that comes into contact with us. Maybe look at it as a good thing? All of your guy’s exes shaped him into the man you are trying to fight for right no. They helped him become who he is, which you really like. So if anything, be thankful and in gratitude for them helping him be who he is. At least that is how I view it. The exes are in the past, I am in the present with him and that is all that matters. The present moment is all we have control over and if we can keep our attention in the present with the man we are with, there is so much more joy!
The best way to get him back is to let him know you are working on your insecurity, but if you are not going to do that, he is not going to walk back into a situation that hasn’t changed, no matter how much you try to “respect” him more. Remember he is attracted to confidence and that is not something you have in this particular area of your life. So what are you willing to do for YOURSELF to really begin to heal your need for reassurance so you can actually feel confident?
Heidi
Hi Carolyn,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
I’m a little confused. You have had these symptoms for 2.5+ years yes? You said you want him to come back so you can raise the baby together. So I’m a bit confused. You are not having a baby, correct? It is a form of pregnancy, but not a form of pregnancy that produces a child…correct? I just want to make sure I am clear.
First and foremost, it’s important to understand what was going on for him, that he left. I imagine he doesn’t understand what is going on with you with this pregnancy. You are dealing with some pretty incredible symptoms with your body. Did he even want kids? You mentioned that maybe he just thought of you as a nice lady who shared many common interests. How come you think that? Were you guys committed? How long were you together? Did you guys ever talk about your futures together?
When he cheated, how did you handle that? What that what broke the relationship? Do you know why he cheated, specifically? Meaning…did he admit to being unhappy or anything specific like that?
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s a lot and it’s all confusing. This is a safe place for you to come and be yourself. We are happy to be hear for you and help you work through your challenges!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for all that you are sharing. Again, I love your honesty, your authenticity and your courage to truly show yourself here!
I’m not surprised at all that you called him and woke him up for work and you will do it again and again and again. There is something deep inside of you that has a strong relationship with the chaos, the drama, the challenge. On some level, it’s serving you. It’s serving you enough to keep you connected. And that’s okay. Like I said before, I’ve done this before too. You will either just keep doing this or at some point, you will be in enough pain to finally call it quits and face your fear of being alone. It’s all okay! When you behave like his mother again, try and notice a few things. What EXACTLY is your need in that moment when you are mothering him? It’s not for him to get to work on time…dig deeper. What’s YOUR need? When the anxiety starts to show up, what are your thoughts that you are having? You said you tried techniques, but what were they?
I’m sure he ready your email. And if he didn’t read it, that’s okay. It’s a conversation you feel you need to have, so you just create it with him. First, make sure that you stay away from comments where you point the finger at him. So saying, “When you go into that sunken place YOU ABANDON ME.” That last part is pointing the finger at him. Truth is, he is not abandoning you. He is abandoning himself. That triggers you into doing the same exact thing…you end up abandoning yourself at that point as well. So when you confront, you don’t want to blame, you just want to shine a light on your experience. So instead you would say, “when you go into that sunken place, it’s really hard for me to feel you disconnect.” Does this make sense?
I suggest to set a date. Go somewhere nice, get a little more dressed up and be in an environment that has good memories for you guys, or somewhere that has a really good vibe about it. And just talk. He is going to avoid creating the conversation, so you can say something like, “let’s go out somewhere romantic and let’s talk about my email. I really want to create a plan for when those moods show up. I know we can figure something out. We will give it shot and if that doesn’t work, we will try another way. And then at the end of the night, let’s come back to my place and I will (fill in the blank – get flirty and sexy and tell him what you want to do to him.).” Approaching the topic this way, can help him feel like you aren’t going anywhere, you aren’t going to “reprimand” him and you are his teammate and want to work WITH him vs. tell him how bad or wrong he is. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi NM,
Thank you for more information.
So where do your reactions come from? Meaning…how come you react the way you do about ex’s? And what specifically are you feeling when ex’s are talked about? Jealousy? Anger? Hurt? Insecure? And when the ex’s are talked about, what is the argument actually about? And when you say you can’t let go and need reassurance, what do you need reassurance about specifically? What are you asking the guy to do for you?
I’m glad to hear you are learning more about how important it is for a man to feel respected. Have you apologized for whatever happened? And if yes, tell me how you apologized. What did you say?
I do suggest to keep having patience and give it more time. Whatever specifically happened that has caused him to pull away from you, caused some strong damage. One of the best ways to repair damage is to correct, in yourself, whatever you did. It’s more than just reading though. You had some kind of emotional reaction about something that was strong enough that caused him to run the other direction. What are you doing to work on that part of yourself? I know you are here and you are reading the material. Educating yourself is a CRUCIAL part of that. The other part is working on the SOURCE of what causes your reactions. For example, if I have a tendency to get really jealous, I can read about it all I want, but it doesn’t actually change that I get jealous in the first place. I have to go inside and look at the beliefs and wounds I carry about myself and others. Once I deeply connect with those, then I can heal those parts of myself that sabotage relationship with jealousy. THEN….I actually will stop becoming jealous. I’m saying this, because whatever happened between you guys, there is no way he is coming back unless you have changed. He needs to know, feel and see that you are doing DEEPER work to face that part of yourself that contributed to the damage. When he starts to see and feel you are different, he may be willing to give it another shot. It may take awhile, so it’s important for you to have patience.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi NM,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I’m a little confused about your situation. Would you be willing to offer more detail about what you mean that you are “sensitive” when it comes to confrontation? It helps us to understand the dynamics, so we can offer better guidance.
In general though, if this “sensitive” issue has caused relationships to end, as well as this current one, I want to ask what you are doing to work on this challenge you have? It seems to really be blocking a long term experience with a guy, so what steps are you taking to work on healing that part of yourself?
Also, as friendly as he is being, it still seems from you said, that he is not interested and his feelings have shifted. He is being nice, but it doesn’t sound like he is being romantic or interested in anything further with you.
If you want him back, it is about really looking at what made him leave in the first place. Is that something you can fix? Is that something you can work on and shift? Is whatever happened, a good reason for him to leave? Would you have left you with whatever happened?
Heidi
Hi Eline,
Welcome! These are great questions! I understand why you are confused and not sure how to go about things.
First and foremost, you want a guy who is ALIGNED with his actions AND his words. When a guy is sending mixed messages, it means DRAMA!!! He could be playing a game and is very good at it. There are plenty of guys out there who know how to catch a woman’s attention. They know what to say, to act interested, how to be romantic and play with a woman’s heart strings….and then they get to have sex with her AND they get to have her chase him…which means very little work for him. And when the girl starts to pressure for more, they know to keep reminding her “I’m not interested in a relationship ‘right now.’ I have told you that.” I’ve come across plenty of guys who know how to play some version of that game.
The fact that he was soooo into you and saying those really intense and meaningful things on the first date…makes me wonder about him though. He says he doesn’t want a relationship yet he says some pretty intimate and heartfelt things that you really only should be saying to someone you WANT to be in relationship with. When guys offer compliments that are BIG and meaningful compliments, WITHOUT knowing you, it’s a RED FLAG for me. He doesn’t know you well enough to be saying he found “the one” on the first date….then to turn around a week later and say he is not interested in a relationship right now.
So I would like to suggest to test it out. Stop initiating contact and see what he does. Let him chase you. I’m curious too, when he suggests to meet up, do you actually go out on a date and talk and get to know each other, or is it just for you to come over and then you guys have sex?
Either way…he is confusing and that usually means he is either playing a game or is confused himself. That means a lot of confusion for you as he sends you a lot of mixed signals. Wouldn’t you rather invest your time and energy into a guy who is ALIGNED and knows, WITHOUT A DOUBT, he wants to get to know you and spend time with you. I imagine you want to spend time with a guy who initiated contact with you because he likes connecting with you. Imagine a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from scooping you up to be his and his only.
Thoughts?
