Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Nancy,
It sounds like you really have a grasp on what you are wanting to do.
Since the last 5 guys were long distance, maybe consider not saying yes to that anymore. If you are really ready to build and create a long term relationship, require that they are within a 60 miles radius of where you live. How does that feel for you?
I’m also curious if you are connected to why you were so “reckless” with this guy. What was going on for you?
What else do you want in a relationship? I’m wondering how clear you are about this.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Well done venting and processing all of this! You are doing a great job working through it and looking at all the options and mostly looking at yourself, trying to understand what the heck is REALLY going on.
Here is something REALLY important for you to understand. He isn’t changing. Yes, he is changing his behaviors, but the root cause is still the same and isn’t going away. Imagine you have a garden with gorgeous, beautiful flowers everywhere AND weeds. The weeds can kill those flowers in various different ways. Weeds can take over the garden and even take over the beauty by becoming more prevalent and more dominant than the flowers. As the gardener, you can go and chop down the weeds over and over and over again. They ALWAYS grow back. They may take different shapes and different sizes, but they always grow back, no matter how many times you cut them down. Why? Because you aren’t pulling them out at the root. And even then, there may be fragments left in the dirt that find a way to create new life again. So a good gardener knows to pull the weeds from the root AND use some type of chemical to destroy any fragments that may be left in the dirt. So lets look at this list you created last year and you will see, he hasn’t REALLY checked all those boxes.
1. More quality time together – you needing to ask that from him, sounds like he wasn’t being very considerate of the relationship
2. Give you space at work – this also sounds like he wasn’t being very considerate of YOUR time and need to focus. He wanted what HE wanted.
3. No harm to himself – an incredible amount of low self esteem, which still shows up with how he designs his life
4. Express feelings in a way that are constructive, no name calling – he may not be name calling, but he still is not expressing his feelings in a way that are constructive. He shuts down completely. Yes, it’s better, but it’s still highly dysfunctional.I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer. All I want to demonstrate is that although some of the weeds have been chopped, it doesn’t mean that there is any permanent change that has actually occurred. All that happens when we chop the weeds down, is it transfers into another behavior. Just because you get rid of the behavior, doesn’t mean the core root cause of that behavior is gone. It will show itself in another category and a different behavior. The energy just gets transferred instead of transformed. To transform means to go to the root cause and pull that weed out from UNDER the dirt.
With everything you confronted him on, those are all of your issues that you are wanting HIM to fix for you. You want him to change his behavior so you can finally be at peace, feel happy and feel secure and good about yourself. Your formula will NEVER work. His formula will NEVER work, so you guys will just go through this pattern over and over and over again, because all either of you are doing, is just managing, not really healing and transforming the insecurities and low self esteem that exists deep inside each of you. He is a reflection of what you carry inside of you. He will not change until he gets some real help. So the only power you truly have is to decide to dig under the dirt and start pulling out your OWN weeds. Then things can actually change. Or…you can keep writing him lists every year about how you need more from him and how he needs more from you.
So again, you can keep doing this design. It can last. You won’t be happy though. There is ALWAYS going to be something wrong with him or the relationship. He is ALWAYS going to be letting you down in some form or another. You are ALWAYS going to be needing more from him, for you to feel happy. Which brings me back to you. There is something in YOU, that you are choosing this design and this level of functioning of love. He supports the level of love you are willing to experience. We attract the level that we are at, right?
With all of this being said, how does it make you feel?
Heidi
Hi NM,
You absolutely have choices! What’s important, more than anything, is that whatever it is that you decide to do, is coming from a place of clarity and not suffering. When people just want to get out of hurt or suffering, they think that getting back the person they lost will make everything better. All they are focused on is getting that person back vs. taking a step back, really looking at themselves, the other person, the causes of why it didn’t work and whether or not the relationship was really healthy for them. So that’s the direction I’m trying to head you in….looking at yourself and how you treat yourself and care for yourself and really slowing down to make sure he is what you want to fight for vs. letting the ego lead you.
As far as you needing re-assurance when you are feeling insecure, again…that is NOT what a guy’s job is. That is YOUR job. Someone caring, loving and secure WOULD NOT want to be responsible for YOUR needs of re-assurance. A man who wants a strong woman and desires a woman with a strong self-esteem throughout ALL situations, will not be attracted to the job of being the one to take care of your expectations and needs of re-assurance. It’s not a healthy design in a relationship. Yes, there are some guys that will actually love that and be drawn to that. It doesn’t mean it’s a healthy way to function in a relationship. A guy who wants to be relied on in those ways, have their own dysfunctions happening.
So if you want him back, it’s about taking responsibility for your own feelings and learning a different way to handle yourself and your emotions when you are feeling insecure. He is not going to walk back into the same design when he knows you haven’t changed. If you don’t really want to change, that’s okay too! Like you said, there are guys out there that are not bothered by your need for re-assurance sometimes. It’s about finding someone who better matches and accepts that about you.
So what would you like to do?
Heidi
How fun! He sounds wonderful so far! The fireman out here can be like that, but I would say in general, at least the ones I know, are strong family men. But at the same time, there usually is some yearly calendar put out of hot, player type real fireman, so…..I’m sure they have a good time with the ladies. lol
I think your idea for his birthday is perfect! Take him to a restaurant with food he loves and a straw??? I wonder why he likes straws. I think that’s the PERFECT gift for him!!!
Keep sharing! This is so much fun!
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us.
It’s been a few days, so I’m wondering if there are new developments.
First, I’m glad you reacted the way you did. First, you confronted and asked right away, instead of letting it fester. That’s a wise choice! Second, it is allowing you to see who he is when being confronted. This part is ESPCIALLY important when getting to know someone. You want to know what they will be like. Are they passive aggressive? Overtly aggressive? Do they disconnect? Do they turn into victim and blame?
These are all things that will make or break a relationship, regardless of how good the connection is. He is showing you that he is not a good communicator, first and foremost. He disconnected and left you hanging, wondering and guessing what is going on for him. So you get to choose if this is the kind of guy you want to continue with. What he is showing you with his response is how he copes, so this is not something that changes unless he really wanted to work on that part of himself.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi NM,
I suggest to back off with contact for awhile and see what he does.
Let’s look at this a little deeper. Men want a woman who has a strong self esteem, strong self respect and dignity. The way you behaved before, by constantly asking for his re-assurance, is telling him you don’t have those things. It told him you needed him to take care of you emotionally and he has communicated that he is not interested in doing that for you. You say you have changed and you have repented, yet what you are showing him is exactly the opposite by constantly reaching out to him with him putting in very little effort.
Let’s imagine something for a minute…imagine a woman with a lot of dignity, self respect and self love. How do you think she would handle a guy who is barely responding to her reaching out for connection? What would she do with a guy who is not really showing he is interested in her?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I think it’s great that you just tell him how you are going to handle things differently next time he gets moody. No need to get into the “why” at this point. It’s really no different than when you shifted your mindset about the money. You just let him know your boundaries and that’s it. Just see what happens and experiment. If the conversation happens to come up and you feel inspired to share the details of the “why,” then that’s okay too! Go with the flow….
As far as your trip in August, I understand why you would be disappointed. He needs to choose the tour with his band. That’s the reality about the kind of dream he has and what nourishes his soul. Let go of the trip. Can you find a way to create another trip earlier in the year? Or later in the year? What can you do to re-create what you were excited about?
Heidi
Hi Nancy,
It really is so difficult to be clear about how we are feeling and the connection we have with someone mixed with how the relationship actually functions.
Long distance is sooooo hard, especially if you are trying to build a relationship from scratch. You end up building up and idea about this person based on your own imagination. You may have the general facts about each other, but what’s missing are all the little details of daily living, that are so important to know about someone. I have seen it happen over and over and over again, where couples start out long distance and get to know each other well that way. They have frequent visits and daily contact and then finally they figure out a way to be together in the same city….then reality hits and they run into a million different challenges they didn’t see coming.
I like that you are willing to take more time to really think this through. I think more than anything, it’s great that you got to have an experience of yourself putting in more effort and wanting to connect deeper. This is great! You know you have it in you! It doesn’t mean this guy is “the one,” it just means you have it in you and it sounds like you are ready to really feel that part of yourself. Maybe consider moving on and connecting with a guy who is close by? Maybe consider really working on taking things much slower with the next guy? It sounds like you are ready for a deeper experience, yes?
Heidi
Emily!!! yayayayaya!!!! I was soooo excited reading this update!!! It’s spectacular! I know it’s still really new, but so far so good! He is definitely putting in the effort to connect with you…which means he FEELS your value in his life. Wooohooo! What are you going to do for his birthday?
How did you guys meet??
Heidi
Hi Heather!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing you challenges with us.
First and foremost, he is not going to feel emotionally safe with you if you were constantly changing your mind about you felt about him. The pattern of breaking up and getting back together really causes some deep damage and mistrust in the relationship. He is doing some version of that by being hot and cold with you, just like you did to him by breaking up and then getting back together. You guys are in a really unhealthy pattern and need to work on the core root cause of all of this, if there is going to be healing and emotional safety with each other.
You said that you are changing your ways…how? What have you done SPECIFICALLY, to work on those changes? Reading books? Learning new techniques to handle your emotions? Working with a therapist?
If you want him to be emotionally stable and consistent with you, you have to be that first and foremost within yourself. Do you know what has caused you to be so up and down with him? Is this a normal pattern with guys you have dated in the past? Are you connected to the root cause of why you are like this?
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
This is such a bummer! I can see why you are confused.
First, I wonder how honest your guy is being. The doctor you worked for, had the impression he met his girlfriend, so it makes me wonder what was happening that gave him that impression. Is there a way to ask and get more information? It’s possible your guy is lying.
Second, the fact that he is still attracted to a woman who brought out his worst, is also telling you about some baggage he is carrying around. I wonder if he grew up in a crappy home and had a lot of drama and chaos. Do you know? When you grow up in a home like that, you end up attracting similar experiences as an adult, because that’s what you are used to, it’s familiar and it’s comfortable on a big level. If this energy is still living in his psyche, there is no way you and him will have sustainability. At some point, he will sabotage his happy with you. I know it sounds weird, but it’s a VERY COMMON thing….people will start to get what they want and feel happy, but then they ruin it, because subconsciously, they have a program / belief system running their lives saying, “don’t trust happy. Something bad always happens, you don’t deserve, being happy isn’t safe etc.” My guess is, he has something like this running through his veins, which is why he might still be attracted to his ex. And that fact that he is upset that he is not married and has kids by now, he needs to deal with that program. If he would choose to go back into misery just so he can say he is married and has kids, then he is more messed up than you realize. You want a guy who would design his life that way???? You want a guy who would consciously choose misery for himself?? I know you think if you were there, this wouldn’t happen. Maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t change what he would actually choose and who he is deep inside. There was no issue when you guys were together, because it was only a month AND he knew he was leaving. You know how people can just let go on vacation and they do things they normally wouldn’t do? My guess is, he felt safe to be free and open and wonderful with you, because he knew he was leaving in a month. You saw the best parts of him for sure, but whether or not that is sustainable, is a completely different story.
These are things you need to watch and observe and find out more details about. If anything, I hope this slows you down and causes you to really take a step back with your heart and tread more slowly.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
So how did it go with that guy? The one you needed to tell “no” to…
Well done with that attitude about work. You are looking at it as another exciting adventure vs. panicking. You are centered and grounded and you just know you will be provided for.
As far as you being vulnerable, maybe a better word is authentic. Every single person on this earth has a lot of experience being let down. It’s the reality of being human, so I’m not surprised you have that programming that “you can’t rely on anyone.” That’s still going to be true sometimes. Whatever guy you end up with, he will let you down and you will let him down. He will not be a good leader sometimes and you will not be a good follower sometimes. Being that the belief that you can’t rely on anyone and you have do everything yourself, is sticking in your psyche, maybe it’s time to do some forgiveness work and release it. If it’s the cause of you not feeling safe to be vulnerable and authentic, then it really could make a great impact on how you interact with a man and what you attract into your life.
I also want to invite you to pay attention to your wording. You keep saying you want a man to take care of you and that would not be a way to attract a healthy man into your life. You want a man who you can “share” life with. You want a man who you enjoy leading and following. You want a man who brings balance into your life. These statements have a completely different energetic feeling to them compared to “I want a man who can take care of me.” Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Alyssa,
I know how crazy and fast all of this feels for you. I have been in his shoes before. The reason it all can happen so fast is because you both went away to college and your entire lives changed! When you entire life changes, you get all kinds of new information about who you are and how you feel. College is the very first time away from parents. It’s the first level of adulthood and freedom. It’s the first time in your lives where you are not at home and constantly dealing with parents. Everything changes, therefore desires and feelings and who you think you are, is changing…and fast. Then things stabilize and even out.
Understand that men and women go through breakups VERY differently and we experience relationship and love very differently. You are trying to understand him from your perspective and experience. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It will NEVER make sense because you are not in his world anymore. He is getting to know a whole new part of who he is. That is a stronger, more important thing for him to go through than to be in relationship with you. The pull he feels to be alone and figure out who the heck he is, is stronger than his need for love and connection. It has nothing to do with you, it just has to do with his need to grow up and to do it alone. This allows him to re-shape his identity without anyone influencing him. This is so important developmentally. He HAS to go through this if he is going to develop a more healthy and balanced spirit.
Us ladies are soooo much more designed and attuned for love. We couldn’t imagine letting go of love if there was nothing “wrong.” We are just different than men and because of it, we end up hurting a lot more sometimes.
And even if all of this doesn’t make sense to you still, it’s okay. There is a skill that is VERY hard to have in life, but is ESSENTIAL to have if you are going to make it through your life. It’s learning how to be okay and accept that you just will not know. I call that “being comfortable in the unknown.” It’s hard. You just accept what is, you accept you may never know and you close the door anyway and move on. There are MANY moments that will show up like this in your life. Now is a good time to start practicing letting go and forgiving even when you don’t have the answers you want.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
These are great feelings and thoughts you are connected to! Thank you for sharing.
Here is a harsh reality. You would most likely lose him if you weren’t doing everything you are to keep him together.He is like a wooden puppet with strings for you. He wouldn’t move and have the life he has without you. If you cut the strings, he would find out who he REALLY is, feel the consequences of his choices and then he would see what he is really made of…and so would you. My guess is, you wouldn’t be able to sustain / tolerate a relationship with him were you not doing everything you are to keep him together. His brother is right. All you are doing is emasculating him, enabling him and preventing him from growing up by constantly managing his life. Again, I know how wonderful the connection is as well and that is the hard part to let go of. It’s okay! You get to have this kind of relationship!
The thing is, the anxiety you feel when you know he may not show up for work is sooooo big that trying to deal with it in the moment, is like trying to put a bandaid on a gaping laceration that is bleeding like crazy. It doesn’t work. Your anxiety is just a symptom of some deep wounds and insecurities you are carrying and have existed way before you met your guy. Your guy is just triggering all of it.
If you want to stop the anxiety and really let go of control and let him grow up, then you have to deal with whatever is happening inside of you…your fears, your insecurities, your need for control. Otherwise, you won’t be able to manage your anxiety and the story you create around it. You will just fall back into the pattern of mothering and constantly holding him accountable. Remember this quote from Einstein? “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” He is not going to change. I know you said he has grown quite a bit and has made changes, but he hasn’t changed enough for you to change. You still are in control, you still are the adult / mother in the relationship, you still are dealing with anxiety, you still are dealing with his moods and major rejection. So if you really want this to change, it is within YOU, not him. It is in YOU where your anxiety, need for control and fear of being alone lives. So are you willing to work on yourself? Maybe find a coach or therapist to help you go deeper into the source of what’s going on for you?
Heidi
Hi NM,
Thank you for sharing more details. It all makes sense.
My guess is that he is just not interested in being in a relationship where he has to work so hard to make you feel secure. Men want a woman who is strong on the inside and not needy. This is going to be a big challenge for you. You are wanting him, or any guy you are dating, to make you feel better about yourself and make you feel important. That isn’t their job. That is YOUR job. You can apologize all you want, but he is right. It isn’t enough, because this kind of need for reassurance does not just go away and you will end up doing it again and again in various ways. He could reassure you until he is blue in the face and it won’t change anything. You will still need reassurance again at some point. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with water and it never gets full, because the water just ends up leaking out of a hole at the bottom. No one can be happy in a relationship like that. It’s exhausting and all the efforts that are made never make a difference.
If you don’t know where this insecurity is coming from and where this belief you have about exes was created, then you haven’t really changed. It’s a deep rooted belief and pattern you have that doesn’t change just by reading a book and learning, although that is definitely helpful! This kind of pattern and need for reassurance usually has YEARS of being in your mind and body and it takes some deeper digging and healing the wounds to shift your behavior and reactions.
Exes do make up our identity on some level. They shape us. So do our teachers and parents and animals and every other person that comes into contact with us. Maybe look at it as a good thing? All of your guy’s exes shaped him into the man you are trying to fight for right no. They helped him become who he is, which you really like. So if anything, be thankful and in gratitude for them helping him be who he is. At least that is how I view it. The exes are in the past, I am in the present with him and that is all that matters. The present moment is all we have control over and if we can keep our attention in the present with the man we are with, there is so much more joy!
The best way to get him back is to let him know you are working on your insecurity, but if you are not going to do that, he is not going to walk back into a situation that hasn’t changed, no matter how much you try to “respect” him more. Remember he is attracted to confidence and that is not something you have in this particular area of your life. So what are you willing to do for YOURSELF to really begin to heal your need for reassurance so you can actually feel confident?
Heidi
