Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Melinda!
Remember how I mentioned above how to talk to your little girl? She is seriously hurting right now and instead of giving yourself compassion and kindness, you are calling yourself and “idiot”, saying “why am I even caring?,” “He doesn’t give a darn about you.” You are really suffering right now and your self talk is fueling the fire of that suffering.
Again, you don’t know that he doesn’t give a darn about you. He could actually care a ton and that scares the shit out of him! I have non doubt he has fear running at the center of his life. If you were not a threat to his heart, there would be nothing to protect his heart from. He is terrified of being hurt and going through another experience like what he is going through now. That is the truth. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Actions, sooooooo many times are a reflection of what is happening on a subconscious level.
So instead of saying, “He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want to fight for me” you want to follow that up with “I am loveable and worth fighting for. Whatever is happening for him is his journey and I will honor that. He is not enough for me and what I need.” It is crucial you start to control your thoughts about what is happening! Every single time you have a negative thought, it’s your little girl viewing the situation through childlike eyes and just expressing hurt. Instead of just stopping the story there, you say “I know you are hurt. I love you. I will never abandon you. I will fight for you and that means I won’t let someone into our lives that doesn’t know how to fight for us. He is just really scared right now and that is not your fault.” Do you get the gist of it? Write it all down.
The reason you are getting so triggered and emotional is first of all, because you care. Why wouldn’t you care about his court case? Of course you do! You had a strong connection and you deeply care about him and his daughter! Be kind to yourself! If you want to start to move this suffering energy, this is the place to start. Here are some other ideas for you:
1. Dance the emotion. Turn on a song that activates anger or intensity in you and dance angry. Dance angry for every single woman who feels played with by a guy. Dance angry for every single woman who has been ghosted. If you feel sad, put a sad song on and dance your sadness.
2. Watch some movies where the character goes through having to recover from a loss. Watching a movie can really help send a message to your psyche that despite how afraid you are, you are going to be okay. Something like “Under the Tuscan Sun.”
3. Get out in nature. Put your bare feet in the grass, go for a hike, have a picnic somewhere outside amongst the trees if possible. If the weather doesn’t permit that, then go get 3 or 4 bouquets of flowers and bring them home and surround yourself with beauty.
4. Here is a video for EFT tapping for breaking up. EFT is SUPER powerful. You may not feel the difference at first, but the more you tap, the more it starts to move all that stuck grief and emotion. You hurt is not only about the loss of him, but also many other things in your life that you have not fully processed. He just happened to be the one to press the button and now an entire network of unprocessed emotions are being triggered. https://youtu.be/uOrb8Lhbbk4
5. Here is another video that may be helpful: https://youtu.be/rni41c9iq54
6. What are some things you can do that are fun and playful or creative? We have places here where you can have a glass of wine while making some really fun crafts like wallets, art, painting etc. Go visit a pet store and connect with some animals. Go to a play or a comedy show.
7. When I was feeling really crappy one time, I went and bought a dozen roses and decided to pass them out to 12 strangers throughout my day. WOW! I can’t even tell you how powerful that was!
8. Light some candles and take a lavender salt bath. Put on some nice music and let yourself relax. Whatever your fears are, let those melt away into the water and remind yourself, “I am going to be okay. Even if I lose this connection, I can still be happy, I can still laugh, I can still have a TON of pleasure in my life. I am okay if I lose this connection.”
9. After a really hard breakup one time, I pulled out a recorder and I would just talk into while I was in my car. I imagined I was speaking to him. Sometimes I was sooooo angry, other times I missed him. It was soooo helpful! It helped the energy of my thoughts to have movement by using my voice vs. staying stuck inside my head where it can just build and build and build.I am so sorry about what your sis and your friend have said. Those are not supportive things at all and also add to the hurt for sure! Maybe you can teach them how to be better for you! You can simply say something like, “You know, I need your help right now. I just need to talk and I need compassion. I am struggling and I know I will get over this, but right now, it just hurts and I need my friend / sis to be supportive.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
I love all of your feelings! It’s great! Of course you want to use profanity. You feel not important in his life and it hurts. Have you responded?
First, I do suggest to have a conversation. It hurts to be ghosted, as you know. Role model for him what it looks like to have the strength to be authentic and communicate even when you don’t want to. Ghosting is NOT the kind of person you are! You are much stronger than that. Yes? This has nothing to do with him, but instead it’s about the kind of person you want to be in this world. Just a thought.
Okay…so you have done plenty of work on yourself to know that just because you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Let’s look at your need to put that story on what happened. First, it’s MUCH easier to deal with loss when you are angry. Angry feels soooooo much better than hurt. So you are coming up with a story to make you feel more anger than hurt, which enables you to shut the door more easily. Second, we create stories around things, because we have such a high need to “understand.” Our brain and psyche does not do well with “not knowing” so we search and search and analyze the crap out of things, because we need situations to make sense. So you found a story that is logical enough that you can grasp onto it and make sense of the situation. Bottom line is, you feel powerless and you are doing everything you can to get your power back, including creating a story about what is happening on his side of the equation, so you can feel like something is resolved for you.
This is one of the HARDEST skills to learn, yet so essential….learning how to be comfortable in the unknown. Imagine not ever knowing what he is really doing, because he just doesn’t communicate to you or doesn’t even know himself well enough to understand his behavior. So you are left not knowing….now imagine being comfortable not knowing. Does it really matter at this point, what his reasons are?? Truly??? I think all that matters at this point is that you are seeing how he handles stress. It’s enough information for you to know that you have a decision to make, based on the information you DO have and that is factual, not assumed.
To stop the narrative, it’s about connecting to the really sad and hurt little person inside of you. If you had your little girl walk in the door crying and saying “mommy, mommy….the girls don’t like me at school.” You, of course, instantly find your compassion and connect to her. You ask “why?” and she says, “they didn’t invite me to the birthday party they were having after school.” To you, it doesn’t make sense. All that is real, is that she is feeling super hurt. In that moment, you don’t try and problem solve. You just hug her, validate her, remind her that IS loveable and that you love her and she is the most amazing little person you know. You connect with her and comfort her. Yes??? THEN you head into problem solving, as the adult. If you immediately head into problem solving, it completely discounts her tears and it only makes her feel worse. So…that is what you need to do for yourself. You need to have the strength to just acknowledge that you are hurting and YOU need to take care of you, not him. You want to help yourself feel better BEFORE you talk to him, so you are not needing him to say or be anything in order for you to feel better. You journal, you throw eggs at a picture you have of him, you hit your pillow, you cry, you do whatever it is that you need to do, to care for yourself WITHOUT him. Move the energy and most of all, connect back to the truth of who you are. You are loveable and worth knowing. You are worth fighting for, even if he doesn’t choose to fight for you. Do not let him define your value! You fight for yourself and re-connect back to the truth of who you are. You DO NOT need any story or details about his experience in order to do this. You just need you validating yourself, loving yourself and getting back into alignment, first and foremost.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi NM,
First, it’s soooo important to understand that the feelings that occur in the very beginning of a relationship, no matter how intense, are fragile. Much of what we feel in the beginning is initiated by chemicals and it’s VERY easy to call that “love.” In reality, love requires time and experience together. The attraction and feelings may be there, but to truly support those feelings and deepen the relationship, it requires time. You guys barely had any time. So yes, it’s very easy for strong feelings to turn off just as fast, because there wasn’t enough time for those strong feelings to actually solidify into anything solid. It’s like concrete for example. Concrete is soft and liquid like, then it gets poured and shaped by things around it and it takes some time to solidify. If someone steps on the concrete BEFORE it has solidified, it changes the concrete and it can’t be fixed unless it is broken all up again and replaced. So when something intense enough happens in the beginning of the relationship, BEFORE things have solidified, it’s easy for the connection to disconnect. Him saying he loved you, was mostly chemicals and hormones that made him feel good. Real, solidified love takes a LONG time. The love needed to deepen a lot more, in order to handle the stressors that relationships bring along.
Let’s address this: “I can’t trust anything or anyone anymore.” First, understand this is very true. People WILL hurt you. People lie, people abandon, people betray. We ALL do, including you. There are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship simply because it takes 2 people for it to work. You have NO control over what the other person decides to do at any given moment. That will NEVER change. It is what it is. So you have a choice now. You can either shut down and let this guy have so much control over you that you shut down for other possibilities to enter into your life OR you can forgive him for his limitations, forgive yourself for your limitations, accept that love is a risk and that you are willing to get back up and fight for love vs. believing you can’t ever trust anyone and shutting down part of your heart. Besides, it’s never really about trusting other people anyway. Trust is about YOU. The way I am able to still risk in love today, despite the horrible experiences I have had, is because I trust MYSELF that no matter what the other person decides, no matter how and when they hurt me, I have the skillset to handle it. I KNOW and ALWAYS choose forgiveness and healing. There is no hurt I am not able to get back up from….therefore, I am able to risk and keep my heart open for love. It doesn’t mean that I’m not scared or cautious and smart about my choices with who I love…I am terrified on some level like most people….AND I am going to risk anyways because I trust MYSELF to handle anything that shows up.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
I LOVE that you are coming here and venting and organizing all of your thoughts. There are a lot of them, of course. So you are doing such a wonderful job coming here and using us as a resource. Well done! Make sure to give yourself some props. Sooooo many people don’t even do that!
Here are just a few things to understand. Depression is anger turned inwards. When someone is being consumed by depression and they are in survival mode, ANY needs of another person feel exhausting and overwhelming. Imagine he is hanging from a bridge with only 1 hand attached. He is scared, he is hopeless, he is exhausted. Then you come along on the bridge and say, “Can you please just talk to me? Can you tell me how you are feeling? Why aren’t you coming over and hanging with me and my kids? Do you think that we have a future together?” Imagine how that would make him feel as he is hanging off that bridge. So yes, to him…you are too needy and your needs are going to activate anger…since depression is actually anger. He is already overwhelmed and feels like shit about himself and then you come along and remind him of everything he isn’t doing to help you be happy. See why his response is anger? He can’t take anymore beyond his life. He has NO tolerance for you to not be happy. ANYONE’S needs will feel too much to him considering where he is at in his life. This is not about you personally. It’s about his state of mind and how he is choosing to handle his life. And btw…there are PLENTY of things he can begin to do to deal with his depression WITHOUT a doctor. Nutrition, energy techniques, exercise, meditations, EMDR songs for depression, EFT for depression, herbs….the list is HUGE and 100% of all that information is free. It just requires effort. He has to do some research, he has to talk to people, he has to be miserable enough to start to fight for his life and he just isn’t there yet. Someone who wants out of pain bad enough, they take ACTION. He isn’t, so he is just going to spend his energy managing his life and depression….and he gets to do that. Make sense?
The 2nd thing I really want to encourage you to do, is to make it rule to NEVER discuss something of this nature through text. It’s awful. There are so many missed things, misunderstandings and energy that gets built up that it can all turn so toxic. This was a discussion that needed to happen in person or on the phone or skype. Is that something you are willing to do??
He is not manipulating you per se. He is just surviving. When you date someone who is in survival mode and depressed, it IS all about them and their needs. He is not relationship material right now other than providing you with affection, sex, fun and company whenever he can offer it and that’s about it. You keep trying to confront him and hope that things will change vs. TRULY accepting that you have chosen a guy who is inadequate and has NO business being in a relationship. He is a failure in many ways in his own life (this is how he feels generally) and you want him to be a loving, supportive, caring and connective person for you??? He doesn’t have it in him.
He is right. You are wanting him to fix your insecurities and I LOVE that you own that. You can own it and absorb it because you have enough self esteem to do so. You are much higher functioning than he is. So if you choose to stay with him, then your goal is to start working deeper in yourself and focus 100% of your attention on what he DOES for you vs. what he doesn’t do for you. Turn your attention to every you GET TO HAVE with him vs. what you are not getting from him. This is how he will be able to function. Your needs, anyone’s needs, are too much for him to handle. So you can keep working on building him, helping him feel like a hero, apologizing and owning your own stuff and then the repair can begin.
Lastly, I’m just curious. Did your ex ever say these things about you? That you are too needy? Did you feel a lot of anxiety with your ex?
And lastly, always remember that when someone uses the words “too” it is a judgement. That is him pointing the finger at you, but always remember there are 3 fingers pointing back at him. So when he says you are “too” needy, in truth, that is him projecting onto you the conversation and feelings he carries inside himself. His judgment of you, is really his judgment on himself coming out on you as the target.
You are okay Melissa! Keep breathing. You have some things to really figure out, but you will. Either path that you take, whether you decide to step back in and keep giving this a try (it’s totally fixable and repairable right now – you guys have done this before) or decide to take some time for yourself or decide that it’s best for you to move….each path has lessons for you to learn, so whatever path you commit to, for today, is all good! You are learning either way, so make sure you really stay with yourself in what you choose. Don’t judge yourself for your choices…embrace and completely OWN your choices, no matter what!
Heidi
Hi Roselyn,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
My guidance is to SLOW DOWN!!! He abandoned you and your kids and went and had another family with someone else. He all of a sudden calls and wants you guys back???? NO WAY! He has NO IDEA who you are and you have NO CLUE who he is. It’s been 10 years! A lot has happened in 10 years. You don’t know he is stable. You only know what he has told you. You need to see it in action. Even if he is stable, that doesn’t mean that he has worked on his issues that caused him to run away and abandon you and your kids. I would want to know what he has done to work on his issues. He needs to have read books, seen a therapist or a coach, he needs to have really done some digging to find out why he ran and why he felt it was okay to leave his family the way he did. If he hasn’t doesn’t anything to really work on his behavior, take responsibility for his choices and taken specific action to heal those parts of him, it’s guaranteed he will do this again.
I know you love him. I wish it were enough, but it just isn’t. A relationship can last and be healthy if BOTH people work deeply on their issues.
I would encourage you to really take things SUPER SLOW and learn about him, who he is, what happened to the other woman, what kind of father he is, how he has worked on himself and his issues etc. All of that takes a lot of time. If you hand over your heart so easily, you actually are not loving yourself well at all. Your heart is sacred. Your home is sacred. Your body is sacred. Make decisions that align with that. Be open AND cautious.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
I’m so sorry for how you are feeling. I have felt that many times in my life and it’s awful. You are right, you need to take back your power.
First and foremost, I would work on changing the story. You have created a whole story about him using you, so to speak. You actually don’t know that. He actually may really care and that is why he is behaving like he is. He has been hurt and a big button was pressed and maybe having sex with you was his attempt at resolving some of that for him and help create connection. Truth is, he is the only that knows what is happening for him. He is showing you who he really is under stress. So is there anything to really confront here with him? Confronting means you want him to change and want him to work on how he handles stress. Nothing is going to change how he responds to stress unless he deep dives what is happening for him. It means him getting a coach or a therapist, reading books, going to workshops etc. You really think he is going to do all of that?? It doesn’t sound like that is the kind of approach he takes in his life. If that were the kind of guy he was, he would have already been doing all of that. He sounds like a pretty normal, average person who just survives his life and buries things, thinking he is “over” it, but not having any clue he just buried it.
I know you are tired of dating. I hear that a lot actually. You had hope for this one and it’s not working out as you are learning more about him and that is just soooo disappointing. You need to get VERY CLEAR about what you want.
Start out writing your non-negotiable list. This list is about the qualities that your guy MUST have, or it won’t work. These are the qualities that if they don’t exist in the relationship, you KNOW your soul will die a slow death. These are the foundational qualities that you choose your partner from. Let’s say you have 9 non negotiable qualities. Then you meet a guy who has 8 of them, IT WON”T WORK! Every single quality is so important and crucial to a healthy, happy relationship with you.
For example: Here are some of the qualities on my list
1. romantic
2. high emotional intelligence
3. spiritual – has a desire and need to connect spiritually with whatever his beliefs are
4. has accountability and a system of growth to handle stress in healthy ways
5. high communicator
6. athletic / active
7. loves animalsEvery single one of these qualities is imperative to me. I also am all of these qualities and how I live my life. When I date a guy, this is the mindset I date from. If he has all 6 qualities, but doesn’t love animals, we will NEVER work, as I do a ton of dog sitting and animals are a big part of my life. So #7 is just as important as #1. So sit down and make out your list. It takes awhile as it can evolve over time as you remember things. But just start the process. You need to compare that list to the current person you are dealing with. He sounds wonderful and amazing AND he disconnects when he is going through stress. You already know this is not how you want to be treated. So you have 3 choices. 1. Accept that this is who he is, know is doesn’t work for you and let go 2. have a talk and give it a try for a 3rd time (1x is just once, 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. He has done this 2x so far, so I have no doubt a 3rd time will happen). And 3. Know and accept that this is who he is and embrace it. Choose him anyways.
None of these choices are fun or easy choices. They ALL hurt. It depends on how much you want to hurt and the kind of hurt you are willing to deal with. If you stay, you will deal with the hurt of rejection with no ending. The rejection will always happen and be there. If you leave, you will deal with the hurt of loss, but at least that is temporary. You know there is an ending to that because you will heal. Not so fun, I know.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rachelle,
Welcome! You are asking some good questions!
This is actually quite simple. Exclusive FWB is basically a committed relationship. You guys are trying to have a “relationship” without the commitment of really working on something together and that just doesn’t work. When you are exclusive, on any level, there are natural needs and expectations that are going to come up. You guys are behaving like a couple. Your needs match those of what you want in a relationship or someone you are really dating.
So if you want to continue this, it’s important you get VERY CLEAR. If you want to keep having sex, then great. But know he is going to disappear many different times. It has nothing to do with you. It’s how he copes in life and always will, until he decides that is no longer an effective way to deal with stress. So you are going to get ghosted over and over and over again. You either need to be okay with that, or stop the FWB with him. If you feelings are going to keep getting hurt, it’s letting you know that maybe this isn’t a good design for you. You are getting emotionally attached. The thing with FWB is agreeing NOT to get attached.
Maybe it’s time for you to just focus on yourself and let yourself heal vs. allowing new hurt into your life that you now have to deal with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
hahaha! That’s so great!!! I didn’t know plastic straws will be gone after 2020 there! That’s great! I know here, there are certain restaurants that have made that choice, but it’s not a law…at least not yet. Getting him a straw, especially for travel, is perfect! I imagine him really laughing about it!!
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
It sounds like you really hit a serious button of his. I get it. What you now have to really ask yourself, is not whether or not he wants to be with you, but whether you want to be with a guy who responds to stress this way.
Big buttons like this, simply mean he has allowed A LOT to build up. He is not forgiving and letting go. We all have areas that we really with where they are much bigger buttons and more difficult to deal with. So it’s about HOW he is dealing vs. what actually has happened. Yes, you could have handled it better as well and it sounds like you have a bigger button in this area as well. But again, it’s not a bad thing…it’s just an “ism” and a guaranteed part of any relationship and love. What matters is what the person does when that button gets pushed. Everyone has their own ways to cope. He is coping by disconnecting and becoming emotionally unavailable. I imagine the button is SO BIG that in order to manage it, he instantly goes into protective mode. He can’t help it. His system will automatically take him there. That’s why we all usually need extra help, with someone who specializes in healing wounds, to help guide us through something so intense. And on top of that is his divorce. SO his capacity to feel emotionally safe with you and to feel attraction and connection, is just not going to be there when he is in survival, protection mode.
If this is okay for you and you want to wait this out, then it’s best to just give him space and let him be in his cave for awhile. You can still send supportive messages and maybe reach out for dinner if you want.
But what I want to encourage you most to do, is to decide what YOU want vs. waiting for him to fight for you. Is his behavior something you can love? Are you able to accept this about him and be in relationship with him knowing this is part of him?
Heidi
Hi Nancy,
It sounds like you really have a grasp on what you are wanting to do.
Since the last 5 guys were long distance, maybe consider not saying yes to that anymore. If you are really ready to build and create a long term relationship, require that they are within a 60 miles radius of where you live. How does that feel for you?
I’m also curious if you are connected to why you were so “reckless” with this guy. What was going on for you?
What else do you want in a relationship? I’m wondering how clear you are about this.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Well done venting and processing all of this! You are doing a great job working through it and looking at all the options and mostly looking at yourself, trying to understand what the heck is REALLY going on.
Here is something REALLY important for you to understand. He isn’t changing. Yes, he is changing his behaviors, but the root cause is still the same and isn’t going away. Imagine you have a garden with gorgeous, beautiful flowers everywhere AND weeds. The weeds can kill those flowers in various different ways. Weeds can take over the garden and even take over the beauty by becoming more prevalent and more dominant than the flowers. As the gardener, you can go and chop down the weeds over and over and over again. They ALWAYS grow back. They may take different shapes and different sizes, but they always grow back, no matter how many times you cut them down. Why? Because you aren’t pulling them out at the root. And even then, there may be fragments left in the dirt that find a way to create new life again. So a good gardener knows to pull the weeds from the root AND use some type of chemical to destroy any fragments that may be left in the dirt. So lets look at this list you created last year and you will see, he hasn’t REALLY checked all those boxes.
1. More quality time together – you needing to ask that from him, sounds like he wasn’t being very considerate of the relationship
2. Give you space at work – this also sounds like he wasn’t being very considerate of YOUR time and need to focus. He wanted what HE wanted.
3. No harm to himself – an incredible amount of low self esteem, which still shows up with how he designs his life
4. Express feelings in a way that are constructive, no name calling – he may not be name calling, but he still is not expressing his feelings in a way that are constructive. He shuts down completely. Yes, it’s better, but it’s still highly dysfunctional.I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer. All I want to demonstrate is that although some of the weeds have been chopped, it doesn’t mean that there is any permanent change that has actually occurred. All that happens when we chop the weeds down, is it transfers into another behavior. Just because you get rid of the behavior, doesn’t mean the core root cause of that behavior is gone. It will show itself in another category and a different behavior. The energy just gets transferred instead of transformed. To transform means to go to the root cause and pull that weed out from UNDER the dirt.
With everything you confronted him on, those are all of your issues that you are wanting HIM to fix for you. You want him to change his behavior so you can finally be at peace, feel happy and feel secure and good about yourself. Your formula will NEVER work. His formula will NEVER work, so you guys will just go through this pattern over and over and over again, because all either of you are doing, is just managing, not really healing and transforming the insecurities and low self esteem that exists deep inside each of you. He is a reflection of what you carry inside of you. He will not change until he gets some real help. So the only power you truly have is to decide to dig under the dirt and start pulling out your OWN weeds. Then things can actually change. Or…you can keep writing him lists every year about how you need more from him and how he needs more from you.
So again, you can keep doing this design. It can last. You won’t be happy though. There is ALWAYS going to be something wrong with him or the relationship. He is ALWAYS going to be letting you down in some form or another. You are ALWAYS going to be needing more from him, for you to feel happy. Which brings me back to you. There is something in YOU, that you are choosing this design and this level of functioning of love. He supports the level of love you are willing to experience. We attract the level that we are at, right?
With all of this being said, how does it make you feel?
Heidi
Hi NM,
You absolutely have choices! What’s important, more than anything, is that whatever it is that you decide to do, is coming from a place of clarity and not suffering. When people just want to get out of hurt or suffering, they think that getting back the person they lost will make everything better. All they are focused on is getting that person back vs. taking a step back, really looking at themselves, the other person, the causes of why it didn’t work and whether or not the relationship was really healthy for them. So that’s the direction I’m trying to head you in….looking at yourself and how you treat yourself and care for yourself and really slowing down to make sure he is what you want to fight for vs. letting the ego lead you.
As far as you needing re-assurance when you are feeling insecure, again…that is NOT what a guy’s job is. That is YOUR job. Someone caring, loving and secure WOULD NOT want to be responsible for YOUR needs of re-assurance. A man who wants a strong woman and desires a woman with a strong self-esteem throughout ALL situations, will not be attracted to the job of being the one to take care of your expectations and needs of re-assurance. It’s not a healthy design in a relationship. Yes, there are some guys that will actually love that and be drawn to that. It doesn’t mean it’s a healthy way to function in a relationship. A guy who wants to be relied on in those ways, have their own dysfunctions happening.
So if you want him back, it’s about taking responsibility for your own feelings and learning a different way to handle yourself and your emotions when you are feeling insecure. He is not going to walk back into the same design when he knows you haven’t changed. If you don’t really want to change, that’s okay too! Like you said, there are guys out there that are not bothered by your need for re-assurance sometimes. It’s about finding someone who better matches and accepts that about you.
So what would you like to do?
Heidi
How fun! He sounds wonderful so far! The fireman out here can be like that, but I would say in general, at least the ones I know, are strong family men. But at the same time, there usually is some yearly calendar put out of hot, player type real fireman, so…..I’m sure they have a good time with the ladies. lol
I think your idea for his birthday is perfect! Take him to a restaurant with food he loves and a straw??? I wonder why he likes straws. I think that’s the PERFECT gift for him!!!
Keep sharing! This is so much fun!
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us.
It’s been a few days, so I’m wondering if there are new developments.
First, I’m glad you reacted the way you did. First, you confronted and asked right away, instead of letting it fester. That’s a wise choice! Second, it is allowing you to see who he is when being confronted. This part is ESPCIALLY important when getting to know someone. You want to know what they will be like. Are they passive aggressive? Overtly aggressive? Do they disconnect? Do they turn into victim and blame?
These are all things that will make or break a relationship, regardless of how good the connection is. He is showing you that he is not a good communicator, first and foremost. He disconnected and left you hanging, wondering and guessing what is going on for him. So you get to choose if this is the kind of guy you want to continue with. What he is showing you with his response is how he copes, so this is not something that changes unless he really wanted to work on that part of himself.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi NM,
I suggest to back off with contact for awhile and see what he does.
Let’s look at this a little deeper. Men want a woman who has a strong self esteem, strong self respect and dignity. The way you behaved before, by constantly asking for his re-assurance, is telling him you don’t have those things. It told him you needed him to take care of you emotionally and he has communicated that he is not interested in doing that for you. You say you have changed and you have repented, yet what you are showing him is exactly the opposite by constantly reaching out to him with him putting in very little effort.
Let’s imagine something for a minute…imagine a woman with a lot of dignity, self respect and self love. How do you think she would handle a guy who is barely responding to her reaching out for connection? What would she do with a guy who is not really showing he is interested in her?
Heidi
