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Hi Melinda,
What a bummer that he didn’t show yesterday. Listen, you just need to say it’s over and that’s it. It doesn’t need to be a conversation and I highly suggest you DO NOT get things off your chest. Here is why…your heart, your emotions, your vulnerabilities are very precious and sacred things. That means those parts of you need to be protected and ONLY handed over to people who can create a safe space for you. He has shown you so far, since the last time you “got things off your chest” that he IS NOT a safe person to open up to and be honest with when it comes to confronting him. He runs the other way. And btw….for anyone to claim that their past doesn’t dictate their future, is completely not connected to themselves and VERY naïve. That’s impossible! Our pasts are CONSTANTLY affecting our present moments and it’s someone who is aware and connected to themselves that knows that. He is living in fantasy land if he truly believes that. My point being, when you expose your vulnerabilities to someone who is really not interested or equipped to handle your emotions, you are setting yourself up for some major rejection and hurt. And the hurt is so much more intense BECAUSE you are being raw and honest.
What you do, is just call him and say it. If he doesn’t answer the phone, you leave a voice message and just say it. No need to go into any detail. All you need to say is something like, “Listen, it’s obvious you and I have shifted. Our relationship is much less connective and it just feels like we aren’t going anywhere now. It’s time for me to throw in the towel. It hurts and not at all where I thought we were going, but it’s time for me to accept what is. So I just wanted to communicate that this kind of relationship and the lack of connection that exists now, just doesn’t work for me. If you want to talk about it or work with me to create a different design, then I am totally open to that. Just let me know. Otherwise, I accept what is and am not one to try to force anything. Take care.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
You ask some great questions and one that many people struggle with. You ask “How do I know that the truth is he isn’t communicating much because this is about him being scared of something? I truly believe that he is communicating less because he just wants to be left alone.”
Let me ask you this….why are you choosing to believe that he is communicating less because he just wants to be left alone??? You actually don’t know that, yet you are making this the center reason about why he is behaving the way he is. It’s your low self esteem and past experiences that are running the story, yes???
Here is why I believe it’s fear, but let me first explain something…or maybe you already know this. We make decisions and create experiences from 80% of our subconscious. That means most of what how we design our day and everything that happens in it, is coming from thoughts and beliefs we are NOT connected to consciously. This is probably the area of the human psyche I understand the most. I grew up having all kinds of “symptoms.” I was designing my life in ways that I couldn’t understand. So I kept digging and digging and digging until I could connect to deeper parts of me that were actually in the driver’s seat. For example, I couldn’t understand how in one second I felt strong feelings for a guy and then the next day, I would feel myself start to pull away, because of a small, minor thing that should not cause such an intense reaction in me. I did this a lot back then!!! It wasn’t until I dug deep enough that I discovered some serious trust issues and the reasons why. It wasn’t until I connected to those, that I started having more control about how I was showing up with men. With that being said, all the “symptoms” you have described to me, fit the description of fear to a tee. For someone to go from being connected and open, then a confrontation or event occurs, then they shut down and become less available, that means they are protecting themselves. Walls went up around their heart. Why? Because they are afraid and they are emotionally fragile. It takes GREAT strength to get hurt, heal and step back up with an open heart. There is nothing easy about that. Most people hold on to their hurt as a form of “protection and warning beacon” so they don’t get hurt again. It’s a special person who can get hurt, forgive and just go with the flow…and remain open. You claim he just wants to be left alone. Let’s just say that’s how he feels. That is just the surface and may be what he is feeling, but why? Because he has walls up….which take me back to fear being the source of his behavior. Is he connected to his fear? Most likely not. Besides, something in him is still reaching out and connecting, so if he really wanted to be left alone, he would create that 100%. What it sounds like, is he is split. He is terrified (subconsciously) AND he still feels really connected to you. Those parts have a serious battle every day in his heart. Add on top of that, all the stress of the divorce.
I soooo understand how tired you are. This whole situation is triggering you on sooooo many levels. I would like to invite you to consider something. The longer you don’t create closure in some form or another, the more energy it takes from you. Part of why you are so tired, with this particular aspect of your life, is because you are hanging out in a space of “I don’t know.” The amount of energy it takes to live in that space is EXHAUSTING!!! The moment you create closure, in one direction or the other, the moment you can find peace and your spirit can settle. So what does closure look like? It looks like either closing the door completely, because you are not interested in these short, surface interactions…or you set up a conversation to talk about what need to happen if you guys are going to move forward. It may take a lot of energy to go through the conversation, but it will give you more information that you need and it will give you DIRECTION! Something you really need right now, with this relationship. You are strong enough to make this happen Melinda. You have it within you to fight for your heart.
Heidi
Hi Rachelle,
We haven’t heard back from you. How are you doing? Any new updates or thoughts about what is happening??
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
This is a really tough one. I’m so sad for the dynamics going on here. The women in his life are manipulating him all over the place and are not caring at all about his happiness.
The thing is, HE has to figure this out on his own. You cannot force him to see or be anything he is not ready for. You literally are wanting him to reject his daughter. And it’s good advice! But it doesn’t mean he is ready for something like that. It has to make sense to him and he has to be willing to go through the consequences that will follow. There is nothing easy about that.
This is not about you. What I think would be the MOST powerful thing you can do at this point, is to support him and be his friend. What if you put the romance on the back burner and offer him support as a parent. It creates bonding, it creates you as a role of support and safety for him. Who does he have in his life to help him through this????
So what if you said something like this, “Listen. I found out what you are going through and I understand your need to pull away from me. It’s a big deal with you are going through. How about we meet up for coffee and we just talk. We don’t need to talk about our relationship. I just want to offer you support. Being a parent myself, I know what you are going through and I also know how important it is talk things through. If you will let me, I’m a good listener and can offer ideas if you want.”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Here is a brene brown video on vulnerability that I love.
Instead of thinking of vulnerability as something emotional, look at it more as the true, honest you. Being vulnerable looks like you being and saying what is true for you. Yes, emotions are part of that, but it’s not the FULL picture. Another thing to remember is that you don’t want to be completely vulnerable with people who are not safe. Your emotions and thoughts ARE valuable. If you just go spurting out ALL of who you are, with just anyone, you are going to invite rejection into your life. Your tears all the way to your laughter, deserve to be protected and cared about. I have been around people where I was dying laughing….u know that laugher where you can’t breathe and you can’t stop? And the people (over the years) actually got uncomfortable with how hard I was laughing. They didn’t laugh with me, they didn’t laugh at me…they pretty much just thought I was ridiculous. You can guarantee that someone like that does not get to be in my life and I pull way back. Does this make sense???
Heidi
Hi Candi,
Wow…you are really going through a lot. It is so sad that this is the kind of love that you both are choosing.
Help me understand you a little better. He is someone who has lied several times and began the relationship with you based on a lie. He is cheater, he is controlling, he has strong narcissistic tendencies. What I would like to know is this….tell me how you feel around him. I know right now he is completely rejecting, but tell me how you felt around him since being married? Tell me what EXACTLY you want to fight for with him. What kind of relationship are you wanting with him? I’m also wondering if he started another affair. He is NEVER home. Where is he going when work is done??? Have you ever wondered that??
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
I’m so glad you are able to connect with him a little more. It sounds like there is a crack in the door. Go slow! Work on really having some patience. You want HIM to open the door, you don’t want to be the one pushing the door open. Let HIM determine the speed of when and how you guys connect. This will help the process to go much more smoothly!
There is something you said that I am wondering about. You said you wanted kids and he doesn’t. How are you feeling about that? That is actually a deal breaker and it should be. You both need to be on the same page about this. It’s not fair to either of you, to have to give up the way you want to experience your life. So are you okay not having kids?
Heidi
Hi Kathi!
I absolutely LOVE how passionate you are! It really is beautiful!
I understand you want him back and that is all good! Something in you feels very strongly that is the direction you want to go in, despite his lack of emotional intelligence and maturity. So go for it!
I want to help you have a more grounded perspective about what you are wanting from him when he comes back. You said you will “require” him to communicate better and that you won’t let this happen ever again. The truth is, you have no control over any of it. Your needs are unrealistic for who he is. This absolutely can happen again and there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot force someone to communicate.
Here is what you need to understand about Kevin. Communication is not his problem. It goes much much deeper than that. He is terrified of something. Learning to communicate more DOES NOT take that fear away. It may help a little, but his fear is SO big, that doing a little behavior modification just won’t cut it. He has been coping this way for a loooong time. It doesn’t just change because his girlfriend says it needs to. He can have the VERY best of intentions and say he will communicate better, but it’s guaranteed that his fear will overrun all of his best intentions. It’s no different than anyone else who knows how to be, but their actions tell a different story. A very simple analogy is choosing to eat that pie instead of a salad. We all know the salad is healthier and is good for us, but we still choose the pie for some reason, regardless of the amount of toxins we are dumping into our bodies. My point being, is it’s just not as simple as requiring better communication. His issue is deep and big. He has some HUGE gaping cuts in his emotional system. Until he faces what is there, he will not change. Does this make sense?
So…with that being said, it is CRUCIAL that you embrace him, knowing he is wounded and will act out in various ways, maybe even run again, because he has no other way to deal with the fear he is carrying around. And you need to be able to love and accept this part of him.
Whenever I work with people who are trying to repair a BIG betrayal or abandonment, first thing that needs to happen is pure and complete honesty. I would invite him into a conversation about what happened for both of you. This will help you know how connected he is to himself, deep inside. So ask for him to share what he was so afraid of. Ask him to share what thoughts were going on for him. Ask him what stopped him from saying that he needed something different from you. Ask him what made him profess his love to you, then leave, then get a new girlfriend. Ask him how many times he has run away in his life when stress got high. Ask him how he wants to really handle stress. Does he actually want to handle it differently? If yes, then how? What does he want for himself? Do you get the drift?? I’m curious to see how many answers he will have. Someone who says, “I don’t know” isn’t connected to the core of what is causing their issues. As long as they don’t know, there is no potential for healing. Knowing your issues and why, from the core, is the first step to really creating long term change. Temporary change is easy, but will eventually break down. You want long term change…deep change…you want MORE than better communication. Make sense?
So have a heart to heart conversation and be a good listener. Support him and create a safe space for him to open….if he will. Then allow yourself some time to also open up and be honest about your experience of him. Then make sure you guys are on the same page. If you move forward, what do you need? What does he need? and what’s the plan to help make that happen. It’s NOT saying “better communication” it’s getting much more specific than that. It’s saying “Let’s take a course or read a book together that teaches us how to communicate better.” You want to get ACTION oriented.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alla,
Here are some really powerful marriage coaches. Dr. John Gottman is great! He also certifies professionals, so I believe on his website http://www.gottman.com he has a place where you can look for a practitioner. He has TONS of powerful guidance to help heal marriages. Helen Fisher is also another super interesting person to learn from. She covers a lot of science that is unique to the category of love. It’s fascinating. I would also suggest to follow Brene Brown.
Maybe start with those people. Just google them and you will get a ton of info! If they don’t resonate for you, let us know. Between Kanya and I, we have a ton of resources we can recommend.
Heidi
Hi Alla,
It sounds like maybe you were willing to just stay married, no matter the condition of the love. You haven’t been happy either. It’s such a bummer that the marriage counselor was not helpful. Are you willing to go yourself? I think it would be sooooo helpful for you to really work on what is happening in you, that has contributed to the dynamic. If he is not willing to change or get help, then you can still go down that path. Sometimes, when the woman takes the lead and he sees the differences, he will soften enough and be inspired to start to work on things as well. Either way, things cannot continue down this path and the only thing you have control over, is you.
As far as the hero instinct, I get what you are saying. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are “weak” or can’t take care of yourself. To start, you can just ask for his ideas / opinions / advice. For example, since Christmas is coming up, you could ask him for advice on what to get someone for a gift. Or…since he is starting his own business, you can ask him for some organizational advice or time management advice or ask him advice about how to stay focused on a dream that is so big. You want to find something he is really good at and ask him advice or for help with that particular skillset. And then when he offers his guidance, you give him big appreciation and say things like, “I knew you were the right person to ask about this – or – You are so good at stuff like this. Wow! – or – this is great advice! thank you so much! It really was helpful!” Does this make sense and give you some ideas?? It’s more about activating his BEST self and pulling that out of him and associating that with you. And of course, as you figure this out, just appreciating him in various and creative ways, for all his hard work and providing for you guys is kinda the same thing. You are shining a light on his value in your lives and that’s really important for a man. Make sense?
Heidi
We are so glad to get to work with you and be part of your journey Nancy!
Whenever you are ready, share what you have put on your vision board and what you have created for your non negotiable list! We love hearing about it!
Heidi
Hi Kathi,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenge with us!
First, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful and heartbreaking to lose a love that you really believed in. I understand your need and desire to get him back.
Here is the thing about that….and this may be hard for you to hear….but a true, solid love takes time to build. You guys rushed in soooo fast! And that’s okay. But the faster you rush in, the harder everything can crash in a super second…just like it did. Love has so many layers to it and it takes a lot of time and experience with each other for it to deepen. As you said, you saw an emotion you had never seen before with him. He completely up and left and ended the relationship just hours after proclaiming his love for you. What that tells you, is how fragile the love was…at least on his side of things.
I also coach people to REALLY pay attention to how their person is handling stress. Studies have shown over and over and over again, that relationships break because of the unhealthy ways people handle stress in their life. So when choosing a life partner, I always have people watch for how that person handles stress. Do they get angry and abusive? To they shut off and become completely unavailable? Do they run from their problems? Or do they face them, stay connected and work WITH you through the challenges? You have just now learned, for the very first time, that he runs. He doesn’t stay and talk with you about what he needs differently. You did nothing wrong here Kathi. You were just doing the very best you knew how. It is NOT YOUR JOB to be a mind reader. It is HIS responsibility to communicate what he needs in any given moment. What stopped him from using his voice and saying, “You know what would be really helpful right now? If I could stay here. I would love to just go be quiet for a bit and then maybe we can have dinner in a few hours. I would like your support through this.” Instead of fighting for what he needed in that moment from you, he cut everything off and ran the other way and is now even dating another girl. You call that love?? I have no doubt he loves you, but it’s a fragile love full of all kinds of fear and woundedness that is MUCH bigger than any love he feels for you.
My point being, even if you did get him back Kathi, he is fully capable of doing this again and again and again. I imagine he blames you for what happened. Where is he taking responsibility for himself? Where is his ability to forgive? This is a HUGE red flag. This kind of behavior guarantees that the relationship cannot last in any healthy way. If it cannot even survive a VERY SMALL speed bump, then there are some real serious problems here.
So as much as you want him back, that means you will have to go through this again….guaranteed. He has no skillset to handle stress in a healthy way, so you will always be left trying to pick up the pieces and fight for the relationship….alone.
Know what you are choosing here. I wish love were enough to hold a relationship together, but it just isn’t. It doesn’t matter how strong the feelings are, what matters is that 2 people are able to work through things together in a respectful way. What matters is the friendship. What matters is that both people face their fears. What matters is each person’s commitment to growth and learning and being the best partner they can be. You may have all of those things, but he has none of those…..it takes 2.
With all of that being said, I imagine you still want to do everything you can to get him back, yes? That’s okay too. You may need to go through this a few times before you decide it’s not okay anymore. I just want to encourage you to look beyond the feelings and instead look at how the relationship is functioning. You know it’s spectacular when things are great….now you know what can happen when they aren’t…something to consider before handing your heart over to someone who can drop you just hours after proclaiming his undying love for you.
Heidi
Hi NM,
People who are able to turn on or off their emotions so quickly are REALLY damaged people. They are SO fragile. They have to turn off emotions because they don’t have the strength the feel whatever it is that they need to feel. So instead of being mad at him, how about you look a little deeper and find compassion for him. He must have had some really big traumas in his life, to end up this way. Just like you had this way of surviving your insecurities by asking for validation, his way of surviving his insecurities, is shutting off emotionally. I mean, think about it…he doesn’t even have enough strength to be able to handle ANY challenges that show up in a relationship! That’s so sad! He is setting himself up to never be able to love again. That is a very sad and lonely life that he is creating for himself. He is already in enough pain (on the inside and deep in the subconscious). He will pay the price for his choices…I guarantee it. So instead of being angry that he is “getting away with this,” why not send him good vibes. He has taught you a GREAT lesson, yes? He may have played with your heart, but because you have enough strength to look at what is happening, you are connecting to yourself more. Your experience with him, has helped you become MORE of who you are. Isn’t that what you want? You want a deeper, more healthy relationship and although he didn’t work out, he sure got you one step closer to finding that in your life. He showed you and taught you to not hand your heart over to someone so easily. He showed you that asking for validation in the way you were doing it, is not the healthiest way to go about getting your needs met. He was such a good experience for you! How about you focus on that aspect and let go of your need for revenge towards him. Is that something you can work towards?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
We are so honored you have let us in to be a part of your process and journey. It’s not small thing and you are so wonderful to connect with!
Yay for tears!!!! That is so great! I know in the moment, it doesn’t feel good, but I gotta tell ya…it’s one of the best ways to clean out and unclog those energetic pipelines. I have no doubt you released a lot! You have such wonderful strength to feel all that you are feeling!
Let’s look at him no communicating in a different way. When you choose to believe he is saying “stay away from me,” that’s a belief that makes his choices about you. That’s a belief that makes something wrong with you that makes him want to push you away. How about shifting that thought to going a level deeper. What the truth actually is, is he is really scared of something. So how about shifting your thought to “he is a scared little boy and he doesn’t know how to handle his fear in a healthy way.” Everything you say to yourself about the situation needs to be grounded in the truth about what is happening, so you can keep the energy moving towards healing. This is ALL about him….not you.
As far as not talking, I’d like to invite you to think about something. As long as you don’t create closure for yourself, the door stays open. I imagine there is some part of you that still hopes he contact you. By letting the door stay open, it allows your spirit, as well as his spirit to stay connected in a really uncomfortable way. Creating an ending allows FULL healing to happen. Besides, you have wanted him to communicate and be honest with you this whole time. What would stop you from providing that to him? So you can simply say something like, “Listen…it seems something has shifted enough that our dynamic isn’t quite the same anymore. It makes me so sad, however I have to honor what is. With that being said, I would like to close the door on this experience. If you would like to talk about this in person, I am more than willing. If not, I understand and will honor that. You won’t be hearing from me anymore. I wish the very best for you and your sweet girl!! Take care.”
Can you say something like that? If not, I imagine you are still holding onto some hope and possibility that he might turn a corner and re-connect again. Either way, when you are ready to let go of all possibilities, it’s important you create closure for yourself. That’s the final layer that needs to happen for healing.
Heidi
Hi Alla,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge. I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. It is devastating to find out your home, your dreams, your life could potentially all fall apart. It doesn’t sound like you are happy either, with the way the marriage has been for awhile.
So let me ask you this. How do you feel about him? I know you love him, but do you want more sex with him? Do you like him as a person? Are you madly in love with him right now? Or do you feel more complacent in the relationship? What are your thoughts and feelings about your relationship and how you guys have been functioning for awhile?
Is there any possibility of getting marriage counseling? It sounds like there might be things that need to be worked through together. Having a 3rd party is crucial for that.
His relationship with this female employee is definitely suspect. It sounds like he is being quite inappropriate and possibly cheating. My guess is, a lot of his energy and needs are being met through her, therefore he is losing more and more interest at home.
Does his job require him to work these loooong hours every single day? I gotta tell ya, if he is just never home, then how is he ever going to be a great father, a great a husband, a great anything? When work consumes that much time, it’s a problem. It might be time to re-design. He can work less and maybe you go back to work part time to make up the income. At least that way, he has less pressure and he can be home more.
You say you want to get him back, but remember that he is part of the problem. Just because he has lost interest, doesn’t mean it’s because of you. It sounds like you guys have been more like “roommates” for quite awhile now and he is just the one to finally speak up and say he is not wanting that design anymore. That means you guys need some help navigating through all the thoughts and feelings that have been buried for awhile. This isn’t just about you getting him back, it’s about changing the relationship to something more healthy and vibrant and that takes 2 people. He needs to change along with you.
The first place I would start is being that he mentioned he doesn’t feel appreciated, you start appreciating him every single day. You find something you are thankful for, that he does. You say it from the heart and you look him in the eyes when you say it. He needs to feel your gratitude and he needs to feel valued in your life. I also would ask him to be more specific about feeling appreciated. You said you thought you were doing that, but for some reason it’s not landing into his psyche. So ask him what kind of appreciation does he need. Maybe he is thinking about something specific that you don’t know about. I would just inquire more and see if you can get more information about what he means. Give him examples of when you HAVE appreciated him and ask, “Is this what you are needing more of?” OR…you can skip the conversation entirely and just start appreciating him and see if it helps. Use the hero instinct method as well. Create situations where he can help you with something and then thank him BIG time for being your “hero” so to speak.
Make sense?
Heidi
