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Hi Zuzana,
Well done! This is great! Being that he doesn’t have anyone to really talk to about this, your role is to be that person. You want to go in as a friend. The best thing you can do is listen really well, validate and ask a lot of questions. Ask questions about his thoughts, ask questions about how he is feeling about all of it, ask questions about what he TRULY wants to create with his family, ask questions about different ideas he has about how to solve these challenges, ask questions about what his biggest struggles are. It will create a space for him to completely dump everything that he is holding inside. It’s a great way to process everything and I have no doubt he will feel better if he really lets go and just says it all. It can help him process better. After asking a lot of questions and creating space for him to emotionally open up, you then ask, “well…I have some ideas. I’d be happy to share them with you if you are interested. If not, that’s okay too.” Maybe bring a book with you to the meeting that could be a good guide for what he is going through. Keep it in your purse and see if it feels appropriate to give it to him. If not, just hold onto it until the time is right. John Gottman has some wonderful blogs about parenting. Here is the link…maybe you can find something that may be helpful for him:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/parenting-emotion-coaching/
Does this give you a direction you feel good about??
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
Well done! This is great! Being that he doesn’t have anyone to really talk to about this, your role is to be that person. You want to go in as a friend. The best thing you can do is listen really well, validate and ask a lot of questions. Ask questions about his thoughts, ask questions about how he is feeling about all of it, ask questions about what he TRULY wants to create with his family, ask questions about different ideas he has about how to solve these challenges, ask questions about what his biggest struggles are. It will create a space for him to completely dump everything that he is holding inside. It’s a great way to process everything and I have no doubt he will feel better if he really lets go and just says it all. It can help him process better. After asking a lot of questions and creating space for him to emotionally open up, you then ask, “well…I have some ideas. I’d be happy to share them with you if you are interested. If not, that’s okay too.” Maybe bring a book with you to the meeting that could be a good guide for what he is going through. Keep it in your purse and see if it feels appropriate to give it to him. If not, just hold onto it until the time is right. John Gottman has some wonderful blogs about parenting. Here is the link…maybe you can find something that may be helpful for him:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/parenting-emotion-coaching/
Does this give you a direction you feel good about??
Heidi
Hi Desma,
I’ve always wanted to go to Australia. I have a client heading over that way in January and she is going to spend and entire month over there! Super excited for her!
I understand your fear of losing him slowly but surely. Giving him space but also support and really focusing on the friendship and having fun together, can be EXTREMELY bonding, in an of itself! Don’t underestimate the power of that. Appreciating what you DO have vs. focusing on what you don’t have, will make this a lot easier.
I always suggest counseling if both are willing. Having someone give you guys ideas and be an objective set of eyes can be soooooo helpful! Maybe you can bring it up in this way…”I decided to look for a counselor. With you leaving and questioning our marriage, it really has caused me to look at myself and how I have contributed to where we are at right now. I can see some things I need to work on, but I need some guidance along the way. Maybe at some point, you and I can find someone who specializes in couples. I feel like we are worth fighting for and would absolutely be willing to give it a shot. If that is something you are interested in at some point, we can talk about it.”
How does saying something like that feel for you? Are you willing to go see a counselor, even if he isn’t? Again, him seeing you really taking this seriously and working on shifting and growing can be a really positive thing!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You crack me up!!! Foggy days can be SUPER boring! Fog and wind are 2 things that tend to keep me inside and bummed out! I will definitely be sending a lot of good thoughts your way for this new job with Hal! Let us know as soon as you find out! We love being part of your life.
First, remember that how many men respond doesn’t really matter. Contacting 10-15 men a week is a lot. I am wondering if you are filtering at all or just reaching out to whomever you find even slightly interesting. Tell us about how you decide to who to contact. What kinds of things do you pay attention to before you decide to contact someone?
Okay…let’s get this started.
First, those guys that say “wanting someone without baggage and drama free” are living in fantasy land!!! That is impossible! They have drama and baggage they bring into the relationship as well. So a guy that says that screams “wounded” to me. They haven’t worked through their stuff. It’s obvious they have had a lot of drama from women in their lives and instead of working through it and forgiving all that has happened, they are still holding onto the energy and wanting a woman who is “drama free” so they don’t have to do any work. I stay away from guys like that. To me, that’s a statement essentially blaming the woman for any challenges that show up. Make sense?
As far as the 2nd guy, let’s try a different approach and see what happens. Instead of writing to him right off the bat, trying to convince him you are likeable, how about just asking him questions that are easy to answer. So you could start by saying something like, “Hey there! I love hiking as well and kayaking and snowshoeing. Anything outside makes me really happy. Where are some of your favorite hikes??” And then just leave it at that.
In your last profile, there is some language I would switch around. Saying things like “please give us an opportunity to meet” has an energy of trying to convince. That is not a confident energy. Instead you could just end the paragraph at always up for an adventure. It’s assumed they will contact you if you they are interested. No need to say it.
When you describe yourself, I suggest offering more detail. When you say “girl next door” and then “not your average woman at all” I have MANY ideas of what that could mean and so will many other people. They are general statements and really don’t give me much information and leaves me to create my own ideas about what that means. I would also take out the shy part. You say it a few times and shy people are not confident people. They are afraid. Are you really shy?? Not something I pictured about you. The last paragraph is great. I would just structure it a bit differently. Instead of using commas, use periods. It’s kinds just 1 long run on sentence, so break it up a little bit and maybe expand a little more. I enjoyed the picture you created about snuggling up and watching a game! More things like that are great!
Does this all help??
Heidi
Hi Boyd,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here and sharing your questions with us.
I can feel how important he is to you.
It sounds like he is just in overwhelm. When anyone is in overwhelm, their capacity for relationship becomes very limited. The very first thing I want to encourage you to do, is to loosen your grip. There is an energy in your message that feels like you don’t know how to be okay without him, so you may be overcompensating for that feeling by TRYING really hard. That energy of TRYING really hard, is super stressful and a guy can feel that. It will make him want to pull away, because that energy is full of fear and it’s a ‘possessive’ controlling type of energy and that can feel suffocating. Your grip on him and the thoughts I imagine you are having, would make him feel a lot of pressure to make you feel happy and secure.What if you loosened your grip and stopped trying to force anything, for fear of losing him again. You have had A LOT of loss in your life, so it would be a VERY NORMAL reaction to want to hold on as tight as possible, to those that are left. You may not be doing anything in particular that you are aware of, but guys can feel things we think they can’t. What I am wondering, is if he is picking up on your fear of losing him. Have you talked to him about this at all? A good way to approach this is by using the energy of curiosity. You want to avoid fishing for answers to make YOU feel better. Instead, just be curious and learn about him and learn about yourself. You can say something like, “We have been back together for a bit now. I just wanted to check in and see what you think about that. I don’t want to repeat how we were before. I really am interested in being a better partner and you are the best person to teach me. Is there anything you need different from me?”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Christina!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE your self awareness. Do you have any idea how much strength that takes just to admit and see yourself this way?? It’s fabulous!
I first want to really encourage you to be kind to yourself. I know you “hate” certain things about yourself and the reactions you have. How about looking at it from a different perspective? If you truly desire deep healing, deep / connective love, inner peace…then wouldn’t you say it’s important to understand what is blocking that from happening from you? What you don’t like about yourself are just symptoms letting you know EXACTLY where you need to go in order to get that deep peace and happiness.
Our symptoms are like a treasure map. They lead us to the treasure of whatever it is that we are seeking. It’s all quite the journey and adventure, right? When you have reactions that are working against you and hurting your life and what you want, that reaction has gifts for you! It’s a clue on your treasure map. If you embrace it, learn about it, release it, you get the next clue to the next treasure. All the while, as you work through all clues (symptoms – emotional reactions to what is happening in your life) you get closer and closer to feeling and finding that treasure….inner happiness, love and peace inside yourself. So instead of “hating” parts of yourself, have gratitude for them. Stop and say to yourself, “thank you for telling me how you feel. I appreciate you being here to teach me what I need to know about myself. Let’s have a chat. I want to know more.” Does this make sense??
Maybe it’s time for you to really dig deeper into your fear about communicating. One question I like to ask when I don’t know the answer is “Please show me the truth about my reaction to this situation. Let me see this situation through eyes of truth.” And then just wait and observe. I have never not gotten an answer. Sometimes it is within the day, sometimes it evolves over the next month. Information, memories or things will start to happen to bring you more information about the situation and yourself.
Here is another tool you can start with. It’s called left/right handwriting. It helps open up to the energy of the younger part of you that is terrified to communicate. If you take a pen and paper (I personally love to get BIG crayons and BIG paper and write on that), you are going to use your dominant hand to represent you…the adult. Your non-dominant hand will represent the child / young part of you that is terrified to communicate. Your adult hand will start the conversation…so you would maybe write “Hey there. I understand you are so scared to talk. I can feel your fear. I can feel you pull away. I can feel you have so many thoughts but don’t want to say anything. I want you to know I am here. I want to hear you. I want to know how you feel. It is safe to tell me. I will love you no matter what you say. Would you be willing to talk to me?” Then you put your pen in your non-dominant hand, empty your mind and just write the VERY FIRST things that come to your mind. NO FILTERING!!! It’s okay if it doesn’t make sense or doesn’t feel “right.” Write it down anyways. Then you put the pen back into your adult hand and you VALIDATE her. What you DO NOT want to do is try to fix anything. You just want to comfort her. You just want to her to feel to feel whatever it is that she needs to say and feel. SO you want to respond with things like, “I understand that you are so scared to speak, because you are afraid of disappointing someone. That must feel so hard for you. It’s awful when you disappoint someone you love. I want you to know, that I love you anyways. It’s okay to disappoint people. You and I will always get through this together. I will love you, always, even if they decide to walk away.” Does this exercise make sense to you???
I know whenever I have done this, I am so surprised at what ends up coming out. It creates a way to open up your subconscious. You are creating the space and time for what is deep in you, to come on up so it can be embraced.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
What I appreciate about you most Melinda, is your honest reactions. Nothing to apologize for! Your reactions are a reflective of me and how I am coaching…whether it’s effective or not. I can understand how what I said would not have been the best thing to read while already feeling down and those are things I need to be connected to and aware. So I appreciate you and your strength to just be authentic here!
You are just taking 1 day at a time, which sometimes I think, is one of the most effective things you can do. I know that when I am loaded up with just enough emotional intensity, it can trigger me into release. It can take me to that place where I throw my hands up in the air and just say “Whatever…I let this go. What will be will be.” Surrender. It feels good in a way. Your book / wine day sounds like absolute perfection!!! I’m glad you did that and most of all, fully embraced it!
I’m so curious as to how the date went????
Heidi
Hi Vino,
It sounds like you are clear about what you can expect from him and it sounds like you are comfortable just being friends. Is that correct? Do you have a mindset of opening your heart to someone else?
You sound peaceful and resolved…this must feel so good for you!
Heidi
Hey there!
I wanted to check in, as it’s been about a week since your last post. I’m sorry neither of us responded. Sometimes we miss things, so it’s always okay to write another post asking for a response. It gets our attention.
What’s the update? Did you end up meeting???
Heidi
HI Christina,
Communication and being vulnerable with our feelings is so difficult, especially if you were not taught to be open and honest growing up.
I imagine that despite what your words were to him, he knows what is true for you deep inside. You did say he seemed to know how you were feeling, even when you didn’t say anything.
He is owning the fact that the relationship cannot continue in that fashion. I imagine him not wanting to connect with you was in part, because he knows what is REALLY going on inside for you and how unhappy you are. A man CANNOT deal with his woman being unhappy. That is why it is soooo crucial for us ladies to be VERY diligent about taking care of ourselves. When you say that you miss him and you are sad that you can’t see him, there are 2 kinds of energy that will fuel that statement. It’s either a “I’m sad and I miss you, but I am totally okay with missing you and it’s all good” OR “I’m sad and I miss you and I don’t know how to be happy and feel good in my life unless I see you or talk to you more.” My guess is, the energy you are putting out is option #2. You don’t feel like a priority in his life and that is going to leak out in everything you say and feel and he most likely is picking up on that energy, more than anything. Truth is, you are NOT a priority and you shouldn’t be. He is getting his life together and setting up his foundation. That is the priority. He needs a woman who can be okay with that, at least for awhile.
Of course there are things he is doing to contribute to this scenario, as this is not all about you. But I want to encourage you to really look at your challenges of communication. When you bottle things up, you create a BIG traffic jam. I know you know this though. Understanding that, doesn’t necessarily change the behavior. Maybe it’s time for you to really do some deep dive work on your fear around communication. This is the #1 or #2 reason why people get divorced or breakup. Being a good, healthy communicator is a skill as well. It’s more than just removing the blocks from communicating, it’s also learning what is effective and helpful vs. harmful. Until you really work on shifting this challenge you have, your odds of having a sustainable relationship are really low. Is this something you are willing to work on more intensely and shift? I imagine this would make a big difference in getting your guy back.
Here is a great video on vulnerability
Heidi
Hi Candi,
You have been through a lot in your life and you have learned how to be very resilient. You are quite the survivor.
I do want to help you understand something about yourself. We ALL have low self esteem. There is not a human being alive that doesn’t have low self esteem. It’s just part of what it means to be human and it will be with us, until the day we die. Our low self esteem, our choices we make that bring stress into our lives, our lack of self love all get really exposed in the area of romance. The kind of people we choose to let into our inner world, really reflect how we feel about ourselves, more than anything.
Let’s look at what you are choosing here. You say you wanted love and companionship, but you are not receiving any of that. You are purposefully choosing to stay in a relationship that is toxic and causes you an incredible amount of hurt and stress. Of course you can deal with it though. Your life has been hard since you were little. So I’m curious. What would stop you from choosing something different? What would stop you from choosing a peaceful life? It seems you are staying in the marriage more out of spite or trying to “prove” or trying to “win.” It doesn’t sound or feel like you love him either. And that’s okay! How in the world can you love someone who makes you feel so discarded, unimportant and irrelevant?? What is making you hold onto this relationship so tightly? Maybe you are not really interested in having a healthy relationship at this point. Maybe your motives are just to have a house over your head and to not to be alone. It sounds like you have accomplished that already!
Where I’m a little confused is you want more understanding about him. He is a narcissist and you know this. What more information do you need to understand him? What are you hoping to accomplish with deeper understanding about him? Were you hoping that if you understood more about him, that you could try to change how the relationship is??
It’s clear you are very unhappy. The only control you truly have over that, is with yourself. If you keep focusing on HIS behavior, you will be miserable for the rest of your life. Why not focus on your behavior? Why not focus on how YOU can become a better partner? Why not focus on what you can do to love yourself more and nourish yourself more, since he isn’t going to be doing that. You, of course, are starving for connection and living in a mine field. You don’t get to relax and just be yourself. You are resorting to needing to constantly manipulate every single situation so a bomb doesn’t go off. How long are you willing to live this way?
Narcissists LOVE being the hero by the way. When you complement them, when you appreciate them and have gratitude for what they are doing for you, it really can help create some sort of connection. Maybe try that out for a few weeks and see what happens. There are a TON of books and TED talks and youtube videos on narcissists and how to handle them.
I think what matters most here Candi, is what do YOU want out of your life? What kind of love do you truly desire to have? How do you want to spend each day?? In survival and constantly manipulating or do you want to feel peaceful and happy and supported? You get to choose.
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
It seems that what I said brought up some defensiveness for you. That’s the last thing I want to do! My goal is always to try to expose things for you that you may not be connected to or aware of so that maybe it can help you get more connected to what is influencing you from your subconscious. Everything I suggested would be coming from a subconscious place and not anything you would be consciously aware of. Somewhere around 80% of our subconscious is influencing how we do things and handle situations. It’s crazy how much we end up making decisions from beliefs and desires that we don’t even know are there. It’s okay if you don’t align with any of it. It doesn’t really matter at this point. The reality is, you are just not ready to break up. Despite his behavior, he is someone you are still wanting to fight for and hold onto and that’s okay. When you are aligned and ready to let go, you will make it happen and nothing will stand in the way of that.
It’s all redundant, but it always is! It’s how us ladies process and we don’t mind it at all! Keep writing, even if it’s just vent. I know you are working through it. I have no doubt that you will figure this out at some point, whether you break it off or decide to fully invest again. In either direction, you will gather more information needed for whatever is next.
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
It’s all okay! There are dynamics here, exposing you to some deep subconscious beliefs. That’s why dating is soooo great! It shows where we are split. It shows who is in the driver’s seat. Your adult is definitely NOT in the driver’s seat with this guy. You want to run and disappear and you have all kinds of reasons why things aren’t able to happen. Truth is, if your VERY STRONG and CLEAR adult were in charge, this would have been taken care of long ago and NOTHING would have gotten in the way of what needed to happen. Instead, your little girl is in the driver’s seat. And that’s okay! It’s a journey of figuring out how to heal her, release the hurt and get her in the back seat, with her seatbelt on, so the adult can be the one making decisions. I wish that were a quick fix, but wherever we are REALLY wounded, it takes a lot more time. I’m not surprised you are responding the way you are. Your little girl is mad. Going on a date with another guy is a great way to kind of say “F*^% you” in a round about way. Making it a rule to breakup in person, yet you have seen him and not following through. Wanting to just ghost and slowly drift away instead of using your voice and creating a purposeful ending, is your little girl being passive aggressive. All of these things are wonderful gifts to let you know where your wounds live.
I’m sure you know all of this already. Be kind to yourself as you traverse this difficult terrain!
Heidi
Hi Desma,
It sounds like you are taking all of this in stride and going with the flow really well. Good job! I love that you are looking at yourself and working on specific things that can help you become a better partner / person. It great that you are communicating all of this to him as well. It is SUPER helpful when your partner SEES that you are taking action vs. just saying sorry and owning your side of things. Sorry’s only get you so far.
Maybe just ask him 1 question. “What is 1 thing about our relationship that has really been a challenge for you?” I think some of what is missing here, is the lack of information you have about what is going on for him. The thing is, no matter how hard you work or shift yourself, he needs to do the same if things are going to change and shift. I have no doubt he is dealing with A LOT as he deals with the loss of his parents. It sounds like he is in quite the trigger and more in survival mode than anything…which means he doesn’t have much to offer you as a partner. It doesn’t sound like he has a very good skillset to deal with whatever is triggering him into retreat. Hopefully this time apart can help him find himself and you are doing such a great job giving him the space he needs. That is one of the most important things!
When he comes over for the holidays, keep things light and fun and happy. Don’t talk about your relationship, but feel free to ask if there is anything you can do to support him better. Make it about “him” and not “us” and just have some fun together. I have no doubt he needs to have some fun. That can be healing! Maybe include some thing you all have never done before, like playing certain games, going and doing something together you never have before, decorating cookies together, have a food fight lol! You get my drift.
Thoughts?
HEidi
Hi Rhonda,
Every single guy is different, so if you asking all these different questions is working, then great! Have at it! When it comes to getting to know someone through technology, I coach people to keep it super light, fun and go very slow. Ask simple questions and stick to 1 – 2 topics per conversation. My main reasoning is this: If you end up asking a million questions over technology, your psyche ends up being fooled into thinking those questions have actually been answered. Even though they have, it’s through technology. Being in person, is a completely different experience and allows for so much more depth right? So if you stick to just a few topics until you meet, THEN you can open the gates more and be able to talk about several things, while being able to dig deeper into each subject. On technology, people mostly give summarized, short answers. So the mindset I encourage is to ask just enough questions to see if there is interest in meeting in person, and then meet in person sooner than later…I personally don’t ask questions that have the potential to go deeper unless I’m in person. I tend to steer away from questions about how they are “feeling” about something, as I want to SEE and HEAR their responses instead of reading a quick answer. I think one of the biggest challenges about online dating and technology in general, is that we actually are comfortable getting to know each other through this platform. It’s not reality. I am always amazed at how many people share serious feelings, confront their partner, have arguments all over email/text. With online dating, we end up coaching a large amount of women who feel like they have fallen in love with a guy they have never even met in person. Just something to think about, not a rule to follow, by any means. So if it is working with this guy, then no need to change anything!! Everybody is different!
The other times you have copied us on messages you sent, both Kanya and I pointed out how you beat yourself up in very indirect ways. You might have anywhere from 3-4 comments you make that show where your low self esteem lives. Most people not trained in human behavior would ever pick up on it, but the person reading it will have some kind of reaction to those statements, even if they don’t understand it or are even aware of it. Just like your subconscious is influencing what you say in your messages, their subconscious will have reactions to it. It really is fascinating and still to this day amazes me with how much we are all influenced and design our lives mostly from a part of ourselves we are not even aware of. It’s crazy!I’m glad you are getting out of there. To have to spend every day around someone who is unpredictable and who you don’t feel emotionally safe around, is awful. Sending so much goodness in your direction for a new job to come your way that lights up your world and nourishes the crap out of you!!!
Heidi
