Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Vino,
Wow! This is quite the spectacular journey you have been on! There is a lot to learn as we all grow and change and shed layer after layer of false programming.
When I referred to the archetype of Wonder Woman, it wasn’t about doing it the way she did it, or any woman for that matter. It’s just about having different role models give you a vision of what you would like to embody. If it’s not wonder woman, maybe it’s another woman who you feel embodies female and/or male energy in a good balance. For example, when I really have trouble accessing grace, one of my role models is Audrey Hepburn. She embodies “grace” to me. She is a woman who fully embraced her feminine and carried it really well. She was not only beautiful, but she carried herself in a way that lit up a room (at least in the accounts I have read about her). I will never be like her, nor would I want to be, but embodying that quality (in my own way) is important to me. It helps to have other people to observe. It helps to even know what it looks like otherwise, it is really hard to embody something you haven’t really seen before. Women have been through a lot in these centuries, as well as men. We are all evolving as best and as fast as we are ready for. You are navigating some challenging waters and I have no doubt, you will find peace in fully embracing the feminine energies of this world, including your own.
I truly am sorry for all the abuse you have been through. I hope you can find another person to help you go deeper into those traumas, in a safe (non-mothering way) to help you continue to release those old wounds. I still, to this very day, and always will have a coach/therapist. She is my accountability and is someone I can instantly go to when I am triggered in a way that it’s stopping me from the joy and peace in my life.
You are on a wonderful journey Vino!
Heidi
Hi Olivia!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have a great question!
This is actually a very simple answer, but not without being having very complicated layers to it.
The simple answer is this…YOU decide how you want to be treated and then align your actions with that. He will either fall into alignment WITH you or move away. You have to be okay with whatever his decision is. You guys have crossed a line and that means more consequences enter into the picture.
If you want more from him, then you need to state that. You guys are pretty much sitting right in the middle. You are not committed and you are not just friends. So you get to decide which way you would like to jump. You can say something like, “Okay. So we obviously still have chemistry and attraction to each other. I have to be honest and let you know that as much as I love being with you, around you and hanging out, it doesn’t feel good for me to be in the “limbo.” To be honest, I have feelings that run deeper than that for you. My heart cannot take just being fuck buddies. I know you have mentioned a few times that you don’t want a relationship right now and I get it, but what we are is not okay for me anymore. I do want something deeper with you. So we need to get onto the same page. If that is something you are not ready for, I’m just gonna need some time and space from you to get my head straight about that and then we can be friends again. If you want to give us a shot again, I’m all in. But we need to decide either way.”
Reality is, the moment you had sex again, you jeopardized your friendship. You guys crossed the line and there is no going back. So the next step is really about your actions aligning with what you want and need and fighting for that, even if it means losing him as a friend. Your heart is valuable and sacred and deserves to be cared for and protected by you.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Sabrina,
Shoot! It’s the day after Christmas and I didn’t get to your message in time. Something you could have said would be something like, “I recently realized I have been more edgy than normal on this week as we approach Christmas. I always forget that I had some past childhood trauma around Christmas and it gets the better of me sometimes. So you know what?? Not this year! This year, I am going to find all the beauty I can and focus on the best things in my life RIGHT NOW. I’m starting with you. I just want to take a moment and tell you that I value you in my life. I know it’s been a bit rocky, but that’s okay. What I also know is that you make me smile and that’s worth a million dollars in my book! Merry Christmas!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I get it. The holidays are super tough when we don’t get to have everyone we love to share it with.
I completely agree in that you have every right to express how you feel. It’s more about how you say it that can make or break a relationship. I underlying irritability is something you sensed and that is so good! His inability to forgive is also something that is a red flag. He is really missing out on having a partner that is willing to look at herself and work on her issues so she can better for him. It’s a bummer he cannot bring the same kind of mindset to the equation.
I really am proud of you though. You are going with the flow in this and not trying to force your needs on him and you are focusing yourself. You have a good support system and you are moving forward with your life. You have quite a lot of courage!!!
Heidi
Hi Penny,
I’m glad you are able to accept him and feel he is worth fighting for. When he reached out, was he being connective? Are you guys seeing each other again?
I just want to also encourage you to be careful. As you feel he is worth fighting for, make sure you also stay connected to YOU. YOU are worth fighting for as well. Many women will fight for a man and lose themselves in the process. They put themselves on the back burner and do everything they can to get the attention of the man they want.
I understand you want this to be easier for him, but there is a point where he needs to either step up or take off. If you allow him to come in and out of your life like this, your poor heart is going to take a serious beating. And it won’t be because of him. It will be because you are allowing yourself to chase after a man who is not emotionally available. So I would like to encourage you to just be careful and cautious yourself. Your heart is valuable and sacred and deserves to be fought for! You are the only one who can do that for yourself! When you believe that, through and through, then the people around you tend to either drift away or align with that.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
The rewrite is better! A couple more suggestions. Your first paragraph, you mention old fashioned dating where you go out with many men on casual dates. From my perspective, old fashioned dating is only going out with 1 guy. Today, it is more casual than ever! Online dating is usually someone going out on 3-4 dates in a week. So this statement that you are making, could be confusing to some guys. I would just take that sentence out all together. It’s not really necessary. Or I would change it be something more clear. I am not sure what you are REALLY trying to say with that statement.
Again, you are really emphasizing how shy you are. Shy, for most men, will mean a woman he has to take care of. It will be a woman he will not feel comfortable taking to a social event, because he will always make sure she is okay. It will mean a woman he has to try to make talk. It could mean a woman he would have trouble introducing to his family or his boss or coworkers. You mention how shy or quiet you are 4x in the opening paragraph. Again, being shy is about fear and not knowing your value. That is the energy you are leading with. For example, what kind of picture do you get in your head when someone says “I shyly give hugs?” For me, I imagine a scared person. I imagine someone barely wrapping their arms around the person and not having confidence to embrace a hug. If I have that picture, then other guys will as well. Is this what you would like to portray? Again…what are you wanting to communicate to a guy with saying I “shyly” give hugs? Introversion is very different than shy. Shy is about fear, introversion is a personality trait and is not about fear.
What makes you disappear in conversation? Let’s talk about this more!
I totally get what you mean about those “sexy” pics. I totally cracked up when you said that because I am the same way. INSTANT yuk! haha!
In reference to Matthew McConaughey, yes…the idea is it’s all about the vibe you put out. They have done so many studies on this actually. We finally have technology to be able to measure energy. We all have an energy field and they know now, that our energy fields, on average, tend to intersect with another’s energy field about 5 feet away. We typically have no idea how it’s affecting us, as it so subtle, but sometimes, if we are open enough and an energy field interacts with out own that catches our attention, our mind will go “Whoa! What was that? I need to take notice.” The thing is, this is, the energy we put out is not something we can fake. It’s the most authentic expression of who are. So you can be smiling and laughing, but inside feel depressed or anxious. Your energy field will express the depressed or anxious energy and people feel that. They may not understand or truly know what they are feeling, but they will have reactions like “Something is off about this girl.” Or “I want to stop talking to her” or “I feel sorry for her for some reason.” So being that he felt his wife’s energy and immediately knew he needed to respect her, it tells you she commanded that because she felt that about herself, deep inside. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
So glad you are here!
I can understand why this would be confusing for you. It is soooo difficult to connect with someone over the phone or online and then not have it turn out to be that in person. It’s not unusual actually. It’s pretty common for people to connect through messages and phone and then once they meet, there just is no chemistry in person.
I’m sorry he doesn’t feel that attraction towards you. Sometimes there are specific reasons for that and sometimes, it just is what it is. I don’t know if which it is for him.
I would suggest to continue having a fun friendship with him. You never know what could happen, even a month from now. I remember my first love started that way. I had a HUGE crush on him and he just didn’t like me. Then I finally closed the door on my heart after many months of trying to get him to like me. Then, about 2 months after I decided to move on, he started liking me. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t like him again. The attraction was gone. So he spent an entire year chasing after me, but in that process we became best friends. Then one day, I felt romantic feelings for him. I remember the exact moment that it happened too. That experience always reminds me that anything can happen. With that being said, it also means you still go live your life. You still go out on dates and you don’t wait for him. That will actually make you more attractive to him anyways. He will want to connect more to you if he feels that you are okay without him and can still be friends.
You said he explained why he didn’t want to be in relationship with you. What were his reasons?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!!!
You ask some really great questions.
Online dating is sooooo tricky to maneuver. What I always remind people to do, is to do what works for THEM. Everyone has a different approach and no single approach is right or wrong and every approach deals with ghosting and rejection. So what’s most important is for you to figure out what feels good for you.
I personally like to suggest to meet in person sooner than later. The reason being is that the longer you end up connecting with someone through technology, the stronger the “fantasy” can get about who you think/believe they are. I like to suggest no more than a few weeks of chatting. If he is not initiating, then you can start to hint or you can just be blunt. I personally am blunt, as that is my personality. So I might say something like, “I personally am the type to meet up sooner than later for some coffee or something. How about you? Do you prefer to spend more time talking?” Or to be even more blunt, I might say “Hey there! I’m reaching my capacity for online chatting. I’d love to meet up for coffee this next week. Thoughts about that?” If you would like to be more subtle, you can say something like, “I love chatting with you. I wonder what it would be like in person.” Or “There is a coffee shop that I love that is just around the corner from me. They have the BEST art I have seen in a long time. Maybe we meet there sometime.”
If you are just wanting a phone number you can say “I have pictures and/or videos I want to show you! Do you feel comfortable exchanging numbers?”
The thing you have to be VERY careful with about getting to know someone online, is you never know who you are really dealing with. There are people out there that will drag on conversations for weeks and avoid meeting in person, because they are already in a relationship, they are lying about what they look like, they actually are only interested in chatting and connecting and NEVER meeting in person, or they are just simply afraid. It’s another reason you want to meet up sooner than later. I have come across plenty of guys who want to exchange and meet up in person with a week or 2 and then plenty of guys who move at a slower pace. Again, everyone is different, so it’s important for you to decide who YOU want to be and then the guys who respond well to that, are the ones you want to invest your time and energy into.
I wouldn’t spend much time worrying about finding that x-ray question. Just meet up. The information you NEED to know more than anything, you will find in person. It sounds like there is enough interest happening on both sides, to just meet up for coffee. Keep the first meeting super simple. Every single guy I met from an online platform, was grabbing a drink or a coffee. We paid for our own drinks and usually within 5 seconds, I wanted to walk right back out the door – regardless of how amazing the conversations were over the phone or text….and I’ve had some AMAZING, SOULFUL, DEEP conversations before I met them in person. It’s fascinating to me how that dynamic can exist. It’s why I really encourage meeting sooner than later. You just never know how you will feel in person, so go find out!
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m excited for you!!! You purchased a belly dance class, so when are you going to go? I’m wondering if maybe it’s an online class since you said there isn’t a class nearby. Even look for country dancing. Those kinds of classes are usually pretty common! And I know all about Krav Maga. It’s a powerful type of self defense. I recommend EVERY woman to take some type of self defense. A woman must know how to use her body in any way that she needs, including defending herself. She needs to feel comfortable punching, kicking, running etc. What makes the basics of Krav Maga so powerful and different than the other arts, is it’s based off of natural instincts. So when someone grabs you from behind and wraps their arm around your neck, your natural response would be to bring your hands up to their arm to try to pull it away. So Krav Maga uses that natural instinct to help you get out of situations. Another good program is the Gracie Program that is Jui Jitsu. This is also another powerful program teaching women only, how to defend themselves. They worked with the police department for years, learning about the most common ways women get attacked and then developed a program around that. I know you are just wanting to exercise, but why not exercise and learn self defense at the same exact time?? And thing about the character Wonder Woman. She is a warrior AND a lady. Both can easily exist in a woman and both are very powerful energies. Why not do both at the same time?? See how it makes you feel!
I think it’s really time for you. You reject women quite a bit and have a belief that they are not safe. Rejecting women, is rejecting your own feminine energy. When you get in touch with your feminine side and really begin to embrace it and deeply connect with those fears you have about femininity, then your relationship with women will change. You definitely can start by doing the external girlie things like mani/pedi and dancing. How do you dress? Do you wear makeup? All those things don’t necessarily define what it means to be a woman, but they are things than can pull that kind of energy out of you. The real issues are inside of you. Have you ever really looked at those beliefs and fear about women that you carry?
Heidi
Hi Sabrina,
Thanks for sharing more detail!
To answer your last question, the way you do that, is to work on yourself. When he did open up to you, you panicked and you were afraid of getting hurt. Whatever fueled that response, did not go away, which means it will just leak out again. We all are afraid of being hurt. Love is a risk and there is no way around that. It’s HOW we deal with our fears that make all the difference in the world.
To make him want you, means for you to get more grounded and centered. The moment you head into “nagging” a man, that’s the moment you have lost him.
The theme here is, he works a lot and you started to nag. You were nagging, because you were not getting your needs met by him. You wanted more. That tends to make a man feel his low esteem and feel like he is not enough and he may start to feel you being “needy” over time. The thing is, you are wanting him to do for you, what you are not willing to do yourself. There is something happening, deep inside your heart, that is making you want HIM to be something for you, in order for you to feel happy inside. You are relying quite a bit on him, to make sure you are happy.
So let’s go back to your question. How do you make him want to communicate with you and share his life with you? Face your fears. Face whatever it is inside of you, that make you react fearfully when he opened up. Learn how to meet your own needs instead of relying on him to be the one to make you feel happy. When a guy feels a solid, emotionally healthy and strong woman, it helps him open up to her. He will feel her solid, safe and capable to handle his vulnerabilities.
Does this make sense about the approach I am recommending? It’s an indirect, yet VERY powerful approach that has much more sustainability.
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I am soooo so sorry for all you are going through. I understand you feeling so devastated. You invested and created a dream around this man and he took all of that away from you.
Reality is, love is never enough to keep a relationship going. I wish it were! A healthy relationship REQUIRES communication, commitment every single day, forgiveness and a skillset about how to treat each other. It sounds like you are waking up to who you have been and have contributed to this situation and I am so sorry for how much it hurts. I understand this so deeply, as “waking up” is always painful, but necessary. I’m glad you are working with a therapist and NLP practitioner so you can begin to really make some deeper changes. Reality is, not a single person on this earth can commit to “forever” anything. Life happens and people change, so whatever promises a person makes, their intent may be pure and solid, but that promise is only as good as that moment. Action and choice have to follow that promise on a daily basis if it’s going to stick. And even then, life throws curve balls and can shift someone’s heart in a matter of seconds. It’s just the reality of relationship. It’s important to really understand that love is a daily choice and not a promise. It will help you keep perspective and not take it for granted next time.
I’m sad for him that he does not have the ability to forgive. I think the more you learn and heal your wounds, the more he might be willing to forgive. He is right to never want to be treated that way again. He is protecting his heart, as he should. Keep giving him time to heal. As you heal, the energy between you guys will naturally heal. Over time, you can show him how you are changing deep inside. Over time, you can SHOW him a new version of love that you are developing within yourself. Keep your focus on your healing for right now and make sure you forgive yourself. You were doing the very best you knew how in each moment. As you wake up, you get new information and new insight and you are doing a GREAT job with that!!! Give yourself more credit for choosing to wake up! There is nothing easy about that, as it takes a TON of courage! Well done!!! That is just going to make you a better mom and partner, each time you connect to different parts of yourself. So instead of beating yourself up, be kind and encouraging. THAT is what will support your healing!
Heidi
Hi Penny,
I get it. You would think that love wins out, but it isn’t always like that. Love and connection and chemistry are just the best parts of the relationship, but far from being able to keep people together. A healthy relationship takes skill, self awareness, forgiveness, facing fears etc. As you are experiencing, fear in him, is way bigger than his desire to connect. It’s so sad, but a common story I hear.It’s hard not to be hurt by the silence. Us ladies tend to be much more attentive and connective in our relationships compared to men. That’s okay though. We are just built differently. Instead of trying not to be hurt, allow yourself to hurt so you can learn how to mend your own heart. That is a VERY important skill to have in a relationship, because as you already know, your partner is not always going to be there to help you heal. Are you willing to forgive him for his limitations and fear? Are you able to connect more to the story that he is just a super scared little boy. He is scared for a reason. Those reasons are very real for him and those reasons come from being hurt really bad when he was younger. That’s what his silence is REALLY about…not his lack of love or care for you. That is all there, it’s just buried beneath this other crap. That’s the truth. Can you embrace that story instead of the one you are telling yourself?
Heidi
Hi Sabrina,
Welcome! You have some good questions.
I’m a little confused as to your current status. Are you guys dating still or did someone end it and you are wanting to get him back?
First, it’s important to understand what you are signing up for. Chemistry or not, he is a workaholic. The most important thing is to understand and accept him for who he is. That means, you want a guy who is going to put work before you. Do you want children? Do you want to be able to go out on date nights? Do you want to take weekend trips with him sometimes? Do you want to be able to lay in bed with him and just talk??? This is not something he will be able to provide for you on a consistent basis. He has built his life around work FOR A REASON. Workaholics are no different than any other addict. They are using something to run from feelings deep inside that they don’t want to deal with.
You’ve only been dating a few months and have barely seen each other. Chemistry is NOT ENOUGH to sustain a relationship. If you barely see each other and he doesn’t talk on the phone, that means neither of you knows each other very well and it will take a lot longer than normal, due to his life design.
Lastly, it’s important for you to look at what caused you to react the way you did. If he is someone who is slow to open up, making sure you create a safe space for him when he does, is really important. What happened for you? What fears came up for you?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
I LOVE the feedback the men offered! Again, that really sounds like a wonderful evening and great space for both men and women to listen and learn from each other! Spectacular!!!
I totally get what you mean about him gaslighting. Can you not apologize for your side of things though? It wouldn’t be admitting to the entire thing. It would just be an acknowledgment that you chose not to communicate and you assumed quite a bit. You did make up stories about how he was feeling. It’s just about owning your part, that’s all. It may end up softening him. Sometimes the guy needs a little encouragement by the woman role modeling what it looks like to accept your role in what happened. Just a thought.
How he is being critical is another red flag. All these things he is saying “in passing” so to speak, is ANOTHER form of him not being authentic. He now has 3 things that he showing you, about how he handles his feelings. He disappears, he criticizes and he gaslights. All 3 things come from the same core issue and it’s leaking out in different ways. The core issue is he really fragile emotionally. People like that will be very passive aggressive, not really take responsibility for their side of things and they love to pass the blame onto the other person. His criticism is a sign of deep anger by the way. Like Kanya said, that will start to show up more and more, the longer you guys are together. This dude is carrying A LOT inside of him and he doesn’t have a healthy way of dealing with any of it. He is a ticking time bomb. It’s NOT miscommunication. It’s funny how he is telling you to stop making up all these stories in your head, when that is exactly what he is doing about you going out. He has very little self awareness.
So again Melinda, there is nothing to “do” here. You either accept his version of how he handles emotions, or you don’t. You cannot fix him. You can fix yourself and how you communicate as you learn what triggers him, but that doesn’t change what is in him. Here is an analogy: Let’s say I ask you to bake a cake. I give you all the VERY BEST ingredients and recipe to make the most amazing cake ever! There is an exception though. You MUST add 1 cup of shit to the recipe.
You are trying to make this beautiful, amazing cake with wonderful ingredients, but there is a cup of shit that will change the rest of the cake. The cake can look beautiful and perfect and there are some amazing ingredients! AND there is 1 cup of shit and there is no way around that.
What is happening inside of yourself, that you want to keep trying to make this cake work, even with 1 cup of shit in it? Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
You definitely have had an adventurous life with the guys online! So you never met the guy in person in the UK either?? What a gift he gave you helping you unlock your sexy! That’s wonderful and soooo important for you to connect to!! I would encourage you to give all kinds of guy a shot. I have been surprised MANY times how a guy feels soooo different in person compared to their computer personality. So even if a guy hasn’t caught your attention through the computer, maybe still consider meeting him. You never know!!!
I really do want to encourage you to figure out ways to connect to your female side more often, all on your own. What about doing ballroom dancing?? Or belly dancing? Or even pole dance classes! Dancing is such a SPECTACULAR way to access your feminine and feel your body in brand new ways. I’ve seen it really help women connect to that beautiful female side to themselves in such a special way! Maybe consider that? Group classes are usually super cheap too!
Yes…forgiveness is all about your SELF. The other person has the right to be whatever they want to be. That even means they get to hurt you, but by forgiving, you are releasing the energy that they “slimed” you with. If you hold onto any hurt, anger, resentment etc. it only hurts you and then you really become no different than them. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting though. You DO want to remember the other person’s choices for means of protecting your very precious heart form someone who does not care to treat it well. Forgiving is releasing the negative energy from the event.
I hope you are having a wonderful and peaceful holiday!
Heidi
