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Hi Saruga,
I understand your thought process. The thing is, you WANT a guy to like you and be attracted to you EXACTLY for who you are and not because of you using any specific techniques. There are plenty of people who don’t do anything in particular and the attraction is just there. It’s natural and effortless. That chemistry is just there or it is not, so I don’t think it would have made a difference with this guy. He just doesn’t have those kind of feelings for you.
But again, who is to say that won’t change. Now that you know the techniques, use them in your friendship. Stay connected every once in awhile and go hang out with groups of friends. Let him continue getting to know you and vice versa. You may find the more you get to know him, the less attracted you are, or maybe not.
Either way, these techniques are super powerful and effective for any type of relationship, so start using them and get familiar with them and watch what happens!
Heidi
Vino!
This is all so great! I’m so happy you enjoyed answering the question! You came up with a lot of good stuff!
First, I find it interesting that you define emotions as being “weak.” Or at least, you define crying as being weak, so I imagine any emotion in a more intense form would be considered weak. I actually totally get it. I used to believe that way too. I remember only being able to cry MAYBE once a year and that was only if there was enough built up that I just couldn’t take anymore. Even if I were alone, crying was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. Men taught me to be like this actually. The thing is, if you REALLY think about this logically, it takes much more strength to be authentic and vulnerable with emotions than it does to have a limited spectrum of emotions. Of course, there are both men and women to live in the extremes of emotions whether it be tearful, angry or completely shut down. The goal is to find the middle somewhere. All emotions are really, are just signs and symptoms of what is living inside of you, much of the time from the subconscious part of ourselves. The thing is, the less we are comfortable feelings our tears, our anger, our hurt, the less comfortable we are in feeling our joy, pleasure and gratitude. They are direct reflections of each other. Let’s say that there is a scale of 1-10 and 1 is equal to little emotion and 10 is equal to a ton of emotion, if you feel hurt on a scale of 3, you will feel joy on a scale of 3. It’s just how our emotional system works. You cannot feel the depth of joy that is in a moment beyond your capacity to feel the depth of sadness in a moment. Here is an example: I was in my 20’s and a guy who was taking me out on a date, showed up on my door with a GORGEOUS bouquet of flowers. I had this big reaction of gratitude and smiles and thank you’s. Reality was, I felt NONE of that inside. I remember going to the kitchen and putting the flowers in the vase and thinking, what is wrong with me that I cannot even FEEL the gratitude for a bouquet of flowers? There was something not right about that. But then I thought, maybe if I go out on the date and find that I like him, even a little, the flowers will have more meaning. So I went on the date and then when I went back home, I went to kitchen and stared at the flowers. NOTHING. I felt absolutely NOTHING. So I tested it even further and threw the flowers in the trash hoping that the loss of them could even spark a reaction inside of me. NOPE. NOTHING. That moment reflected to me one thing. Regardless of my ability to laugh easily, feeling happy in my life and loving my job, my environment etc., if I couldn’t even feel appreciation for flowers, my “happy” was very limited. At the time, I was quite the master as ALWAYS keeping my emotions in check. Anything sad, tearful, hurtful or whatever went straight inside and locked down. Anything I felt, was private and for me only. The consequence of that, was that I could not feel the full extent of joy, even for flowers. Does this make sense?? After having worked on healing all the wounds that caused that kind of defense mechanism, I now can and will feel anything I need to…both the light and the dark and I am 100% comfortable with it. I’m finally at peace with ALL of my emotions. Just the other day, I got tears from overwhelm of gratitude, because a lady cop (who was in the drive thru in front of me) bought my Starbucks drink. I felt the DEPTH of gratitude and kindness that was available in the moment. Had it been 10 years ago, I would have just smiled and said thank you and gone about my day. It takes strength to feel the depth of emotion…in either direction. The only way I got to feel that level of gratitude is because I had courage (which requires strength) to face my fears, forgive the people who caused harm and let my walls down that were blocking me from experiencing what life really had to offer me. So my emotion in that moment, the tears that lightly showed up, were a sign of strength, not weakness. Does this make sense?
Here is the next question, if you are interested.
If you understand that each person, male or female is a reflection of what you carry inside of yourself, what does that tell you about yourself?
Reality is, your lens and how you view your different experiences of men compared to women are based on beliefs you carry inside of yourself. So, if you carry a deep belief that you are not safe with women, it will affect what you attract and see in your experiences of them.
To go a level deeper, if you are talking to a woman and she interrupts you and wants to give you unsolicited advice, she is essentially saying to you “you are not valuable enough to listen to and support in a way that is helpful for YOU.” How she treats you, is a reflection of that same exact belief you carry about yourself…that you are not valuable enough to be listened to and supported. I know there is a conscious part of you that doesn’t believe that at all. But there is also a subconscious part of you that DOES believe that. That’s just what is called a split. 2 parts of you have different experiences of the same situation.
So each person around you is a mirror to what you carry inside, whether you are connected to it or not. The deeper I went into my psyche to get healing, the more this made sense, as I connected to parts of myself I didn’t know were there, but were showing up in the people around me. Now, when someone isn’t listening to me in a way that is helpful, that is about ME either speaking up, walking away or changing the situation somehow. The real truth is, anytime we are wanting someone to be different, we are wanting them to be or do something for US, that we are not willing to do for ourselves. So when you are wanting a woman to listen to you, you are wanting her to do this FOR you instead YOU listening to you and meeting your own needs.
This may be a lot to take in. I’m not sure. Coaching through written word can be tricky sometimes. Hopefully this gives you food for thought in a different way. You are my guide.
Heidi
Hey! Just wanted and update…how did raclette go over with fireman guy?? Is it still moving in a good direction???
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I totally get your definition of shy. It’s not the literal translation of what shyness is and the qualities that have been studied about shy people. Timid definitely fits into that category of shy. The kind of shy you are talking about, is a flirty kind of shy. That kind of shy actually takes confidence, because you are inviting a man over with your “shy” “bashful” look. That definitely is attractive to a man. The way you describe being shy doesn’t portray that kind of picture though. At least from how I read it, it comes across more as timid and not confident or flirty. Of course others will have a different interpretation! That’s the hard part about communication. How in the world do you communicate something to where it’s clear enough that most people who read it, will be in alignment with what you meant to convey. That’s why I encourage writing profiles describing scenarios. For example, I could say I’m playful, but there are soooo many different types of playful, right? But if I say “I love cuddling up on the couch watching a game, but on a commercial break, there might be a sudden outburst of a popcorn fight.” This better describes what playful means to you. Does this make sense?
As far as projecting what you want in your energy field, that all comes from the subconscious. I have shifted my energy field by facing and healing the beliefs that lived DEEP in my subconscious and replace them with the truth. That truth will then be what is projected in my energy field vs. the self doubt. I did that by doing VERY deep work with someone who was skilled and trained in that. With that being said Rhonda, it actually caused more rejection from men, than less. The more I have shifted and healed, the more most men have not interested. I have experienced more rejection in the past 5 years than I have my entire life. The thing is, I don’t want most men. I want 1 man who has the ability to see and know me in a way that most don’t have the ability to. Although all the rejection has been hard and humbling, it still is taking me to new levels of healing and that is what I am after, first and foremost. Before, I could get the attention of 95% of men and was very successful with dating and being sought after. I was a very particular kind of person back then. I was much more manipulative, I played a lot of games and I used men to help me feel attractive and good about myself. Now, it’s the complete opposite. I have finally healed enough now, to where I have no need to play games or manipulate. I’m just me and I know my value whether or not a man is giving me attention. That is what is being reflected in my energy field now and that will catch the attention of the right kind of guy who resonates with that and it will repel the ones that don’t…and that’s all that matters to me. I no longer put value in how much attention I am getting or not getting or how many likes or looks I have had on my profile.
Does this make sense? You can talk energy fields with me all day! I’ve studied this quite a bit, so if you have questions about this topic, don’t be shy 🙂
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
So it sounds like he just doesn’t have that internal reaction to make him feel romantic towards you. There is nothing you can do about that and I’m so sorry. I’ve had that happen before too. I remember 1 guy in particular who I had a huge crush on for 2 years! We were great friends and always had the best time together! He just didn’t have those feelings towards me, yet many times he would tell me how special and amazing I was. It was hard honestly. I couldn’t really understand how he could say those things to me and not want to be more than just friends. I just had to accept it. I still lived my life and kept the door open and eventually he moved away…and so did my feelings. Thank goodness! It’s no fun to have a crush on someone who doesn’t return the feelings. I’m so sorry you have to experience this. It’s what true for right now, but may not be true next year. Like I said, you never know, so your job is to only deal with what is happening in this moment, let the idea of him go and keep your heart open for a similar kind of guy who feels something in return for you!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I know it can be tough to find a therapist. Have you ever tried EMDR? If you go to http://www.emdr.com they have a directory of therapists who are trained in this method. Maybe you can find someone that way. Keep looking! You do need to find someone who has gone deeper than you, so they can be a good guide for you. I’d be happy to recommend my coach. She used to be therapist, but moved states and decided not to go through the whole re-licensing process. I’ve never met anyone who comes close to her abilities. There is nowhere she is not able to go in the psyche. She is not for everyone though. You need to be someone who is willing to go deep and truly wants healing, no matter what. Her methods will help you reshape your entire belief system, but it will be built on truth, instead of all the lies that come with being wounded and abused. It’s a serious re-work and it takes commitment. She won’t work with someone every once in awhile at first. It’s a weekly commitment for awhile. If this interests you, let me know and I will get her information to you privately. She works with people all over the U.S. through phone, skype or facetime. It surprisingly works really well that way.
I’ve never heard of that movie before. It sounds spectacular! I will have to check it out!
The books on your list are fabulous! There is help out there for you. There is more healing coming towards you. It all will show up for you when you are ready for another, deeper level of healing. Keep at it Vino.
Just a few curious questions….what is it about men that you favor over women…specifically? What is it about women specifically, that makes you not trust them? I know you were abused by a woman (or women), but what beliefs in particular, are you holding onto about women that cause you to keep your walls up around them?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Wow! This is quite the spectacular journey you have been on! There is a lot to learn as we all grow and change and shed layer after layer of false programming.
When I referred to the archetype of Wonder Woman, it wasn’t about doing it the way she did it, or any woman for that matter. It’s just about having different role models give you a vision of what you would like to embody. If it’s not wonder woman, maybe it’s another woman who you feel embodies female and/or male energy in a good balance. For example, when I really have trouble accessing grace, one of my role models is Audrey Hepburn. She embodies “grace” to me. She is a woman who fully embraced her feminine and carried it really well. She was not only beautiful, but she carried herself in a way that lit up a room (at least in the accounts I have read about her). I will never be like her, nor would I want to be, but embodying that quality (in my own way) is important to me. It helps to have other people to observe. It helps to even know what it looks like otherwise, it is really hard to embody something you haven’t really seen before. Women have been through a lot in these centuries, as well as men. We are all evolving as best and as fast as we are ready for. You are navigating some challenging waters and I have no doubt, you will find peace in fully embracing the feminine energies of this world, including your own.
I truly am sorry for all the abuse you have been through. I hope you can find another person to help you go deeper into those traumas, in a safe (non-mothering way) to help you continue to release those old wounds. I still, to this very day, and always will have a coach/therapist. She is my accountability and is someone I can instantly go to when I am triggered in a way that it’s stopping me from the joy and peace in my life.
You are on a wonderful journey Vino!
Heidi
Hi Olivia!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have a great question!
This is actually a very simple answer, but not without being having very complicated layers to it.
The simple answer is this…YOU decide how you want to be treated and then align your actions with that. He will either fall into alignment WITH you or move away. You have to be okay with whatever his decision is. You guys have crossed a line and that means more consequences enter into the picture.
If you want more from him, then you need to state that. You guys are pretty much sitting right in the middle. You are not committed and you are not just friends. So you get to decide which way you would like to jump. You can say something like, “Okay. So we obviously still have chemistry and attraction to each other. I have to be honest and let you know that as much as I love being with you, around you and hanging out, it doesn’t feel good for me to be in the “limbo.” To be honest, I have feelings that run deeper than that for you. My heart cannot take just being fuck buddies. I know you have mentioned a few times that you don’t want a relationship right now and I get it, but what we are is not okay for me anymore. I do want something deeper with you. So we need to get onto the same page. If that is something you are not ready for, I’m just gonna need some time and space from you to get my head straight about that and then we can be friends again. If you want to give us a shot again, I’m all in. But we need to decide either way.”
Reality is, the moment you had sex again, you jeopardized your friendship. You guys crossed the line and there is no going back. So the next step is really about your actions aligning with what you want and need and fighting for that, even if it means losing him as a friend. Your heart is valuable and sacred and deserves to be cared for and protected by you.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Sabrina,
Shoot! It’s the day after Christmas and I didn’t get to your message in time. Something you could have said would be something like, “I recently realized I have been more edgy than normal on this week as we approach Christmas. I always forget that I had some past childhood trauma around Christmas and it gets the better of me sometimes. So you know what?? Not this year! This year, I am going to find all the beauty I can and focus on the best things in my life RIGHT NOW. I’m starting with you. I just want to take a moment and tell you that I value you in my life. I know it’s been a bit rocky, but that’s okay. What I also know is that you make me smile and that’s worth a million dollars in my book! Merry Christmas!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I get it. The holidays are super tough when we don’t get to have everyone we love to share it with.
I completely agree in that you have every right to express how you feel. It’s more about how you say it that can make or break a relationship. I underlying irritability is something you sensed and that is so good! His inability to forgive is also something that is a red flag. He is really missing out on having a partner that is willing to look at herself and work on her issues so she can better for him. It’s a bummer he cannot bring the same kind of mindset to the equation.
I really am proud of you though. You are going with the flow in this and not trying to force your needs on him and you are focusing yourself. You have a good support system and you are moving forward with your life. You have quite a lot of courage!!!
Heidi
Hi Penny,
I’m glad you are able to accept him and feel he is worth fighting for. When he reached out, was he being connective? Are you guys seeing each other again?
I just want to also encourage you to be careful. As you feel he is worth fighting for, make sure you also stay connected to YOU. YOU are worth fighting for as well. Many women will fight for a man and lose themselves in the process. They put themselves on the back burner and do everything they can to get the attention of the man they want.
I understand you want this to be easier for him, but there is a point where he needs to either step up or take off. If you allow him to come in and out of your life like this, your poor heart is going to take a serious beating. And it won’t be because of him. It will be because you are allowing yourself to chase after a man who is not emotionally available. So I would like to encourage you to just be careful and cautious yourself. Your heart is valuable and sacred and deserves to be fought for! You are the only one who can do that for yourself! When you believe that, through and through, then the people around you tend to either drift away or align with that.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
The rewrite is better! A couple more suggestions. Your first paragraph, you mention old fashioned dating where you go out with many men on casual dates. From my perspective, old fashioned dating is only going out with 1 guy. Today, it is more casual than ever! Online dating is usually someone going out on 3-4 dates in a week. So this statement that you are making, could be confusing to some guys. I would just take that sentence out all together. It’s not really necessary. Or I would change it be something more clear. I am not sure what you are REALLY trying to say with that statement.
Again, you are really emphasizing how shy you are. Shy, for most men, will mean a woman he has to take care of. It will be a woman he will not feel comfortable taking to a social event, because he will always make sure she is okay. It will mean a woman he has to try to make talk. It could mean a woman he would have trouble introducing to his family or his boss or coworkers. You mention how shy or quiet you are 4x in the opening paragraph. Again, being shy is about fear and not knowing your value. That is the energy you are leading with. For example, what kind of picture do you get in your head when someone says “I shyly give hugs?” For me, I imagine a scared person. I imagine someone barely wrapping their arms around the person and not having confidence to embrace a hug. If I have that picture, then other guys will as well. Is this what you would like to portray? Again…what are you wanting to communicate to a guy with saying I “shyly” give hugs? Introversion is very different than shy. Shy is about fear, introversion is a personality trait and is not about fear.
What makes you disappear in conversation? Let’s talk about this more!
I totally get what you mean about those “sexy” pics. I totally cracked up when you said that because I am the same way. INSTANT yuk! haha!
In reference to Matthew McConaughey, yes…the idea is it’s all about the vibe you put out. They have done so many studies on this actually. We finally have technology to be able to measure energy. We all have an energy field and they know now, that our energy fields, on average, tend to intersect with another’s energy field about 5 feet away. We typically have no idea how it’s affecting us, as it so subtle, but sometimes, if we are open enough and an energy field interacts with out own that catches our attention, our mind will go “Whoa! What was that? I need to take notice.” The thing is, this is, the energy we put out is not something we can fake. It’s the most authentic expression of who are. So you can be smiling and laughing, but inside feel depressed or anxious. Your energy field will express the depressed or anxious energy and people feel that. They may not understand or truly know what they are feeling, but they will have reactions like “Something is off about this girl.” Or “I want to stop talking to her” or “I feel sorry for her for some reason.” So being that he felt his wife’s energy and immediately knew he needed to respect her, it tells you she commanded that because she felt that about herself, deep inside. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
So glad you are here!
I can understand why this would be confusing for you. It is soooo difficult to connect with someone over the phone or online and then not have it turn out to be that in person. It’s not unusual actually. It’s pretty common for people to connect through messages and phone and then once they meet, there just is no chemistry in person.
I’m sorry he doesn’t feel that attraction towards you. Sometimes there are specific reasons for that and sometimes, it just is what it is. I don’t know if which it is for him.
I would suggest to continue having a fun friendship with him. You never know what could happen, even a month from now. I remember my first love started that way. I had a HUGE crush on him and he just didn’t like me. Then I finally closed the door on my heart after many months of trying to get him to like me. Then, about 2 months after I decided to move on, he started liking me. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t like him again. The attraction was gone. So he spent an entire year chasing after me, but in that process we became best friends. Then one day, I felt romantic feelings for him. I remember the exact moment that it happened too. That experience always reminds me that anything can happen. With that being said, it also means you still go live your life. You still go out on dates and you don’t wait for him. That will actually make you more attractive to him anyways. He will want to connect more to you if he feels that you are okay without him and can still be friends.
You said he explained why he didn’t want to be in relationship with you. What were his reasons?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!!!
You ask some really great questions.
Online dating is sooooo tricky to maneuver. What I always remind people to do, is to do what works for THEM. Everyone has a different approach and no single approach is right or wrong and every approach deals with ghosting and rejection. So what’s most important is for you to figure out what feels good for you.
I personally like to suggest to meet in person sooner than later. The reason being is that the longer you end up connecting with someone through technology, the stronger the “fantasy” can get about who you think/believe they are. I like to suggest no more than a few weeks of chatting. If he is not initiating, then you can start to hint or you can just be blunt. I personally am blunt, as that is my personality. So I might say something like, “I personally am the type to meet up sooner than later for some coffee or something. How about you? Do you prefer to spend more time talking?” Or to be even more blunt, I might say “Hey there! I’m reaching my capacity for online chatting. I’d love to meet up for coffee this next week. Thoughts about that?” If you would like to be more subtle, you can say something like, “I love chatting with you. I wonder what it would be like in person.” Or “There is a coffee shop that I love that is just around the corner from me. They have the BEST art I have seen in a long time. Maybe we meet there sometime.”
If you are just wanting a phone number you can say “I have pictures and/or videos I want to show you! Do you feel comfortable exchanging numbers?”
The thing you have to be VERY careful with about getting to know someone online, is you never know who you are really dealing with. There are people out there that will drag on conversations for weeks and avoid meeting in person, because they are already in a relationship, they are lying about what they look like, they actually are only interested in chatting and connecting and NEVER meeting in person, or they are just simply afraid. It’s another reason you want to meet up sooner than later. I have come across plenty of guys who want to exchange and meet up in person with a week or 2 and then plenty of guys who move at a slower pace. Again, everyone is different, so it’s important for you to decide who YOU want to be and then the guys who respond well to that, are the ones you want to invest your time and energy into.
I wouldn’t spend much time worrying about finding that x-ray question. Just meet up. The information you NEED to know more than anything, you will find in person. It sounds like there is enough interest happening on both sides, to just meet up for coffee. Keep the first meeting super simple. Every single guy I met from an online platform, was grabbing a drink or a coffee. We paid for our own drinks and usually within 5 seconds, I wanted to walk right back out the door – regardless of how amazing the conversations were over the phone or text….and I’ve had some AMAZING, SOULFUL, DEEP conversations before I met them in person. It’s fascinating to me how that dynamic can exist. It’s why I really encourage meeting sooner than later. You just never know how you will feel in person, so go find out!
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m excited for you!!! You purchased a belly dance class, so when are you going to go? I’m wondering if maybe it’s an online class since you said there isn’t a class nearby. Even look for country dancing. Those kinds of classes are usually pretty common! And I know all about Krav Maga. It’s a powerful type of self defense. I recommend EVERY woman to take some type of self defense. A woman must know how to use her body in any way that she needs, including defending herself. She needs to feel comfortable punching, kicking, running etc. What makes the basics of Krav Maga so powerful and different than the other arts, is it’s based off of natural instincts. So when someone grabs you from behind and wraps their arm around your neck, your natural response would be to bring your hands up to their arm to try to pull it away. So Krav Maga uses that natural instinct to help you get out of situations. Another good program is the Gracie Program that is Jui Jitsu. This is also another powerful program teaching women only, how to defend themselves. They worked with the police department for years, learning about the most common ways women get attacked and then developed a program around that. I know you are just wanting to exercise, but why not exercise and learn self defense at the same exact time?? And thing about the character Wonder Woman. She is a warrior AND a lady. Both can easily exist in a woman and both are very powerful energies. Why not do both at the same time?? See how it makes you feel!
I think it’s really time for you. You reject women quite a bit and have a belief that they are not safe. Rejecting women, is rejecting your own feminine energy. When you get in touch with your feminine side and really begin to embrace it and deeply connect with those fears you have about femininity, then your relationship with women will change. You definitely can start by doing the external girlie things like mani/pedi and dancing. How do you dress? Do you wear makeup? All those things don’t necessarily define what it means to be a woman, but they are things than can pull that kind of energy out of you. The real issues are inside of you. Have you ever really looked at those beliefs and fear about women that you carry?
Heidi
