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Hi Christina,
First, I just want to say that I am soooo so sorry! I know the feeling of deep heartbreak and it is so painful. You found out some shocking information and your whole world shattered. I wish there were a quick fix to getting rid of the pain. This kind of pain has so many layers to it that started to build even before this guy. When we have pain that deep and that big, it’s triggering a whole network of pain that took years to build up. That is part of why it’s so intense. You DO have the strength to feel whatever you need to feel Christina.
Free writing is a GREAT thing to do! Think about your pain this way…it’s just energy. If you don’t create a way for that energy to move, it turns into a GIANT traffic jam and it will just build and build and build up. So free writing is a way to move the energy. Here are some other ways to move the energy.
1. Get a recording app on your phone. Turn it on and start talking as if it were him. I did this technique back in college when I had a really tough breakup. My heart ached for him so badly AND I was so angry at him. So anytime I was in the car, I pulled out my recorder and I just started talking into it as if it were him. It helped a TON! It got all of those thoughts out of my head and I used my voice to release them. I had no filter. I just said EVERYTHING. Sometimes I was crying and missing him and only talking about the good things, sometimes I was just pure anger and talked about his choices. I would talk into that thing sometimes 5x a day. It helped keep the energy moving. I had plenty of it to move, just as you do right now.
2. Dance. Find songs that feel like depression or anxiety or anger or love. Make a playlist. Then dance those songs. Dance in a way that expresses depression. Dance in a way that shows anxiety. Move your body in a way that shows love. This technique is also really powerful. You just tap into whatever emotion you are feeling in the moment and just move your body in a way that expresses that emotion. Again…you are moving the energy out of your body and transforming it into movement.
3. Watch movies that remind you of your strength. Under the Tuscan Sun is a good one! You want to watch movies where the main character struggles but figures out a way to get back up. Movies are a good brain break AND they can help activate your resilient spirit.
4. Listen to podcasts / videos etc. FILL your hearing with positive. Fill your hearing with encouragement. Fill your hearing with messages that remind you of the truth of who you are. If you are focusing on the negative, you HAVE to get other voices in your hearing to counteract all that negative. Don’t you dare let all those negative thoughts take over and ruin your life! You are more than that Christina. You are MORE than this pain. You are more than rejection. You are more than this loss! You need to fight and surround yourself with positive any place you can get it! Don’t you dare let this man steal your joy!
You can do this Christina! You have everything inside of you to heal. Fight for it! No more excuses that you don’t have time. You MAKE time. You are in crisis mode, so you have to DOWSE yourself with whatever works. No excuses.
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
I realize it might be a bit late to offer guidance about what to say about New Years. I think it’s always a safe bet, and a pretty normal conversation, to talk about what you want to let go of from 2019 and what new things you are going to bring in for 2020. It’s a great way to share each other’s vision.
Do you feel that is something you can bring up, maybe even over the next few days?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
All this stuff is so great! I’m glad you resonate with Joe Dispenza. He is definitely someone who has studied the brain in new ways! Chakras do come from the east, but we finally have technology that can photograph them people’s auras which are expressions of the chakras. It’s really spectacular! I love how you described what you experienced about being one with nature that one time. That is EXACTLY it!!! You were connecting to what is out there beyond our physical bodies! I get your need to go go go when in nature. I find myself doing the same thing, so I work on becoming much more purposeful and just slow down. Maybe that is a practice you bring into your life. That peace you felt is very healing!
Let me know if you have more questions, I’m happy to offer you more info!
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have some great questions.
First and foremost, the moment you start to “compete” that is the moment you disconnect from your own value. There really is no competition here. You are you and she is who she is….2 totally different people who happen to catch the attention of the same guy. Who he ends up being attracted to more has NOTHING to do with you or her being better than other. It has to do with HIM. He has baggage, he has emotional wounds, he has limitations, he has wonderful and amazing things about him as well. He will pick the person that resonates with all of that more. If he chooses the other woman over you, it’s not because you are “less than” or that she is “better than.” There is NO COMPETITION. It’s soooo important for you to connect to your greatness, your value, your amazingness whether or not he chooses you. By “competing” for his attention, you are now putting YOUR VALUE in HIS hands. Take it back! You are valuable and worth fighting for, even if he doesn’t choose you. That’s the MOST IMPORTANT lesson here for you to learn. Also, remember you know very little about him. What you know so far, sounds fantastic! Just keep going with the flow. I LOVE how honest he was with you. Reward his honesty with your respect for his needs. Give him the space he needs, but also keep connecting the way you want to. There is still a lot to learn about him and you might find that he has some qualities that are deal breakers for you. You never know. For now, keep taking it slow by not having sex and enjoy what you DO have with him.
Of course you are going to be upset! You care about him and it would be extremely difficult for any woman to hear the man she really likes, wants to also go on a date with another woman. Yikes! BUT…again, this is so good for you, because it is bringing up all your insecurities. It is the perfect time to face those insecurities, right? Why not really deep dive into what those insecurities are telling you and work on releasing them and healing them? Don’t rely on him to make you feel better about yourself…that is YOUR job, right? So what can you do to connect more to your insecurities??
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
Great questions.
When you validate, you just want him to know that you UNDERSTAND how he feels. So you say things like, “Oh wow. I get it. That must have been really hard for you.” or “So when she said that to you, you must have felt your heart just break into pieces. What did you say back to her.” or “I can see why this is so hard for you. Your daughter is so incredibly important and I love how much you care about how you are affecting her. I can see why it’s such a struggle for you.” Does this help a little more?
As far as how to start the conversation, you just ask a few questions, from a curious kind of energy. So something like, “It’s so good to see you. I really appreciate this time. I know it’s been so difficult with everything that has been happening for you. I imagine you just have a lot of confusion. What would you say is the hardest part about all of this for you?” SO that question starts out with appreciating, then validates his experience, then invites him into a conversation about it. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Okay great! 7 is good! It gives me a more clear picture about how you feel. You are responding soooo differently than how you used to. Do you realize that??? You are a completely different person, so needless to say…you have had some great growth since you first came on here! It really is spectacular to see! I love soooo much that stay connected with us here. Everyone usually just comes on for short time, so we don’t get to really changes over time. So thank you for sharing your journey with us for so long!
So glad you are feeling a little better. I bet your pup LOVES that you are staying home. lol! What kind of dog do you have? How old? Does your guy like your dog? I use my dog as a filter. I can immediately tell how a guy feels about dogs. It’s a HUGE part of my life, so if a guy doesn’t pass the “test” I quickly exit. 🙂
Heidi
Hi Vino!
This is such a great discussion! I appreciate your willingness to share and participate in a such an honest way! You rock!
So let’s go through some of the things you said. I copied and pasted what you wrote, so you know exactly what I am referencing. That way, you won’t have to go back and re-read everything you wrote.
This was #7: Women are weaker than i am. I cannot lean on someone who is weaker. I don’t lean on men who are weaker either. I am very picky. What does “weaker” mean? In what way are women or men weaker than you?
Here are just a few things you have said where you referenced crying as being weak:
if i ever got weak enough or safe enough to cry….
and I had to be the strong one to balance things off. I resented that. I resented having to be the strong one all the time.
A handful of times, you speak in present tense referring to “strength” as being able to hold your emotions back. This is where I am getting the idea of you believing emotions are weak.Let’s discuss this a bit more:
I don’t think it takes a lot of strength to express emotion.I think it takes strength to control your emotions and express them
appropriately.
There definitely is a time and place to express emotions for sure. There definitely are safe and not safe people to express your emotions to. I absolutely agree that there needs to be control of emotions sometimes, for the purpose of protecting yourself from any further distress. However, you believe it doesn’t take strength to express emotion, is really only partly true. For some people, like your ex or your mother’s family, their emotional system overexpresses as a coping mechanism. So you are absolutely right in that it’s not difficult for them to express emotion, therefore there is no “strength” involved. But then you had your father’s side of the family who lived on the other extreme. For people who have a under-expressive emotional system for coping, it takes and INCREDIBLE amount of strength to express emotions. So it really just depends on the person and what their particular coping patterns are.Here is another bit I’d like to dive deeper into:
not EVERY person is a reflection of me, or carries a reflection of me. Even if she causes strong reactions in myself.
she triggered everyone. She was causing the opposite reaction in people than I do. So she wasn’t a reflection of me
I’d like to invite you to think more expansively. When I said that everyone is a reflection of you, it’s not JUST about their behaviors reflecting your behaviors. It’s much more expansive than that. That part is sometimes true though. Sometimes, it really is that literal and evident where someone is behaving in a way towards you or others, in the same way you behave. But other times, a person can reflect a belief you carry about yourself. This part gets a little more tricky, because many times, a person is reflecting a belief you carry about yourself in your subconscious. For example, let’s say someone grew up being hit by their mother or father and each time after being hit, the parent would say “I’m just loving you. I’m trying to help you be the best person you can be.” That child is going to grow up with the belief that abuse equals love and that belief will get stored pretty deep. So then that child grows into an adult and ends up working at a job where the boss is verbally abusive. Now…that person is not verbally abusive at all and hates it. However, because they carry the belief that abuse equals love (in the subconscious), that beliefs acts like an energetic beacon and attracts people that will abuse them in some form or fashion…because ultimately, that person doesn’t believe (deep down) they deserve to be treated any differently. So that is how every single person is a reflection of you. They are either giving you an experience of how you treat others or they are reflecting to you, beliefs you carry consciously or unconsciously, about how you believe you should be treated. The subconscious is a VERY tricky place. It is a HUGE part of how and why we design our lives the way we do. So being that approximately 80% of our lives is determined by thoughts and believes coming from the subconscious, the very best way to better understand your subconscious is to understand how our subconscious sends us signals. One way it tells us what is deep inside, is by attracting people, jobs, life situations that reflect what it carries. Does this make sense??Just a short comment on this: women gossip
Yes, women gossip. But PEOPLE gossip. Men gossip just as much as women do. I have been a strength coach for about 20 years. That means that I have been in the back office hanging out with mostly guys for my career. The amount of gossip I have heard coming from men is absolutely comparable to women! People gossip for one reason. It’s about connection. By gossiping, it creates a bond/connection with the person they are talking with. That connection helps them feel important in their lives on some level.Are we equipped to meet all our own needs? YES YES YES!!! We are equipped to meet all of our own needs. With that being said, I don’t mean to imply that don’t use each other for help. It IS meeting your own needs when you ask for help with something. Where people get really screwed up, is when they are wanting someone else to be different, so they can feel better. Let’s say I am dating a guy who is ALWAYS late. If I expect him to change so I can be happy, I am barking up the wrong tree. If I am going to get my needs met, I might get creative and tell him the time to be ready is 30 minutes earlier. I might decide that his tardiness is a deal breaker for me, so in the spirit of completely accepting him for who he is, I might choose to break up. Or…I can always just let it go and accept that I can be okay being late to things. All I am trying to convey is that when we RELY on someone else to take care of our needs all the time, it’s wanting someone else to do for us, what we are not willing to do for ourselves. There is no harm in asking for help. There is no harm in enlisting other people to guide us through some messiness. There is no harm asking for a hug. The harm again, is when we EXPECT or RELY completely on someone else. So when we get upset about how someone else behaves and then we want them to change or say sorry or listen or do whatever it is that we think they should do to rectify the situation, it is expecting them to make us feel better, instead of us taking on the responsibility to heal ourselves, first and foremost. Does this make more sense?
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
This just sounds really nice. It sounds like you guys aren’t rushing into anything. It sounds like you are staying really grounded and letting things develop as they will.
I’m curious. How much do you like this guy at this point. Give me a number between 1 and 10. 10 being that all of you would like this to work and 5 being you feel you would be happy either way…if it worked or didn’t work, either direction is good. 1 being, it doesn’t really matter. You are not that invested.
Holidays have been super peaceful for me. I do a lot of dog sitting, so my Christmas is usually filled with 5-6 dogs that make me sooo happy! Lots of hike, dog parks and play time. One of my favorite ways to spend the holidays. No drama!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Well, what I know about energy fields and what they project, is that they are made up of our DOMINANT and TRUE beliefs….both positive and negative and our fields are constantly changing and shifting.
Again, it’s not about perfecting anything. You cannot fake what is in your energy field. You can have a thought “I am a wonderful person that everyone likes” but if you also carry the belief “don’t come too close” that is stronger, that is what will dominate your field. That’s why healing on a deep level, is so important. Connecting to and healing those limiting beliefs, will shift that negative energy and transform it into the positive energy, therefore shifting your energy field. Our energy field is generated from our chakras. Our chakras are energy centers. There are 7 on our bodies and then, depending on who you talk to, there are many more about our head and below our feet. So let’s just stick with the 7 energy centers on our body. Each chakra carries very specific purposes. Chakras 1-3 are more about what is showing up in reality. Chakras 4-7 deal more with spirit, the things we cannot see. For example, 4th chakra is our heart and our abilities to love. You cannot see love. 5th chakra is at the throat and is about our abilities to express and use our voice in a balanced way. You cannot see the voice. I could go on and on, but I don’t want to go into things you are already aware of.
Chakras are important to understand if you are going to work with your energy body. Everything that shows up in our lives, is a reflection of how well our chakras are doing energetically. They are supposed to spin in a clockwise direction and at a certain speed, but trauma or disruptions can cause them run slow or spin backwards. They can get really clogged up too. So if you have a clogged up 2nd chakra (it’s just below your belly button), you will have trouble manifesting money. You might end up with ovarian cancer or UTI’s. So when the energy centers are mucked up, it will show up in reality somehow.
With that being said, there are other ways to look at our energy bodies and how it affects our physical lives. My favorite teachers are Gregg Braden, Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dawson Church. There are a gazillion more though. These guys offer a TON of science, as they all are scientists. Science is finally catching up and proving the “mystical” for the first time ever. It really is fascinating.
You can also study Carolyn Myss, Donna Eden, Louise Hay if you want to learn how to heal yourself through energy techniques. All VERY powerful women who are pioneers in the field of energy medicine and healing.
I could talk about this stuff all day!!!
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
I understand your thought process. The thing is, you WANT a guy to like you and be attracted to you EXACTLY for who you are and not because of you using any specific techniques. There are plenty of people who don’t do anything in particular and the attraction is just there. It’s natural and effortless. That chemistry is just there or it is not, so I don’t think it would have made a difference with this guy. He just doesn’t have those kind of feelings for you.
But again, who is to say that won’t change. Now that you know the techniques, use them in your friendship. Stay connected every once in awhile and go hang out with groups of friends. Let him continue getting to know you and vice versa. You may find the more you get to know him, the less attracted you are, or maybe not.
Either way, these techniques are super powerful and effective for any type of relationship, so start using them and get familiar with them and watch what happens!
Heidi
Vino!
This is all so great! I’m so happy you enjoyed answering the question! You came up with a lot of good stuff!
First, I find it interesting that you define emotions as being “weak.” Or at least, you define crying as being weak, so I imagine any emotion in a more intense form would be considered weak. I actually totally get it. I used to believe that way too. I remember only being able to cry MAYBE once a year and that was only if there was enough built up that I just couldn’t take anymore. Even if I were alone, crying was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. Men taught me to be like this actually. The thing is, if you REALLY think about this logically, it takes much more strength to be authentic and vulnerable with emotions than it does to have a limited spectrum of emotions. Of course, there are both men and women to live in the extremes of emotions whether it be tearful, angry or completely shut down. The goal is to find the middle somewhere. All emotions are really, are just signs and symptoms of what is living inside of you, much of the time from the subconscious part of ourselves. The thing is, the less we are comfortable feelings our tears, our anger, our hurt, the less comfortable we are in feeling our joy, pleasure and gratitude. They are direct reflections of each other. Let’s say that there is a scale of 1-10 and 1 is equal to little emotion and 10 is equal to a ton of emotion, if you feel hurt on a scale of 3, you will feel joy on a scale of 3. It’s just how our emotional system works. You cannot feel the depth of joy that is in a moment beyond your capacity to feel the depth of sadness in a moment. Here is an example: I was in my 20’s and a guy who was taking me out on a date, showed up on my door with a GORGEOUS bouquet of flowers. I had this big reaction of gratitude and smiles and thank you’s. Reality was, I felt NONE of that inside. I remember going to the kitchen and putting the flowers in the vase and thinking, what is wrong with me that I cannot even FEEL the gratitude for a bouquet of flowers? There was something not right about that. But then I thought, maybe if I go out on the date and find that I like him, even a little, the flowers will have more meaning. So I went on the date and then when I went back home, I went to kitchen and stared at the flowers. NOTHING. I felt absolutely NOTHING. So I tested it even further and threw the flowers in the trash hoping that the loss of them could even spark a reaction inside of me. NOPE. NOTHING. That moment reflected to me one thing. Regardless of my ability to laugh easily, feeling happy in my life and loving my job, my environment etc., if I couldn’t even feel appreciation for flowers, my “happy” was very limited. At the time, I was quite the master as ALWAYS keeping my emotions in check. Anything sad, tearful, hurtful or whatever went straight inside and locked down. Anything I felt, was private and for me only. The consequence of that, was that I could not feel the full extent of joy, even for flowers. Does this make sense?? After having worked on healing all the wounds that caused that kind of defense mechanism, I now can and will feel anything I need to…both the light and the dark and I am 100% comfortable with it. I’m finally at peace with ALL of my emotions. Just the other day, I got tears from overwhelm of gratitude, because a lady cop (who was in the drive thru in front of me) bought my Starbucks drink. I felt the DEPTH of gratitude and kindness that was available in the moment. Had it been 10 years ago, I would have just smiled and said thank you and gone about my day. It takes strength to feel the depth of emotion…in either direction. The only way I got to feel that level of gratitude is because I had courage (which requires strength) to face my fears, forgive the people who caused harm and let my walls down that were blocking me from experiencing what life really had to offer me. So my emotion in that moment, the tears that lightly showed up, were a sign of strength, not weakness. Does this make sense?
Here is the next question, if you are interested.
If you understand that each person, male or female is a reflection of what you carry inside of yourself, what does that tell you about yourself?
Reality is, your lens and how you view your different experiences of men compared to women are based on beliefs you carry inside of yourself. So, if you carry a deep belief that you are not safe with women, it will affect what you attract and see in your experiences of them.
To go a level deeper, if you are talking to a woman and she interrupts you and wants to give you unsolicited advice, she is essentially saying to you “you are not valuable enough to listen to and support in a way that is helpful for YOU.” How she treats you, is a reflection of that same exact belief you carry about yourself…that you are not valuable enough to be listened to and supported. I know there is a conscious part of you that doesn’t believe that at all. But there is also a subconscious part of you that DOES believe that. That’s just what is called a split. 2 parts of you have different experiences of the same situation.
So each person around you is a mirror to what you carry inside, whether you are connected to it or not. The deeper I went into my psyche to get healing, the more this made sense, as I connected to parts of myself I didn’t know were there, but were showing up in the people around me. Now, when someone isn’t listening to me in a way that is helpful, that is about ME either speaking up, walking away or changing the situation somehow. The real truth is, anytime we are wanting someone to be different, we are wanting them to be or do something for US, that we are not willing to do for ourselves. So when you are wanting a woman to listen to you, you are wanting her to do this FOR you instead YOU listening to you and meeting your own needs.
This may be a lot to take in. I’m not sure. Coaching through written word can be tricky sometimes. Hopefully this gives you food for thought in a different way. You are my guide.
Heidi
Hey! Just wanted and update…how did raclette go over with fireman guy?? Is it still moving in a good direction???
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I totally get your definition of shy. It’s not the literal translation of what shyness is and the qualities that have been studied about shy people. Timid definitely fits into that category of shy. The kind of shy you are talking about, is a flirty kind of shy. That kind of shy actually takes confidence, because you are inviting a man over with your “shy” “bashful” look. That definitely is attractive to a man. The way you describe being shy doesn’t portray that kind of picture though. At least from how I read it, it comes across more as timid and not confident or flirty. Of course others will have a different interpretation! That’s the hard part about communication. How in the world do you communicate something to where it’s clear enough that most people who read it, will be in alignment with what you meant to convey. That’s why I encourage writing profiles describing scenarios. For example, I could say I’m playful, but there are soooo many different types of playful, right? But if I say “I love cuddling up on the couch watching a game, but on a commercial break, there might be a sudden outburst of a popcorn fight.” This better describes what playful means to you. Does this make sense?
As far as projecting what you want in your energy field, that all comes from the subconscious. I have shifted my energy field by facing and healing the beliefs that lived DEEP in my subconscious and replace them with the truth. That truth will then be what is projected in my energy field vs. the self doubt. I did that by doing VERY deep work with someone who was skilled and trained in that. With that being said Rhonda, it actually caused more rejection from men, than less. The more I have shifted and healed, the more most men have not interested. I have experienced more rejection in the past 5 years than I have my entire life. The thing is, I don’t want most men. I want 1 man who has the ability to see and know me in a way that most don’t have the ability to. Although all the rejection has been hard and humbling, it still is taking me to new levels of healing and that is what I am after, first and foremost. Before, I could get the attention of 95% of men and was very successful with dating and being sought after. I was a very particular kind of person back then. I was much more manipulative, I played a lot of games and I used men to help me feel attractive and good about myself. Now, it’s the complete opposite. I have finally healed enough now, to where I have no need to play games or manipulate. I’m just me and I know my value whether or not a man is giving me attention. That is what is being reflected in my energy field now and that will catch the attention of the right kind of guy who resonates with that and it will repel the ones that don’t…and that’s all that matters to me. I no longer put value in how much attention I am getting or not getting or how many likes or looks I have had on my profile.
Does this make sense? You can talk energy fields with me all day! I’ve studied this quite a bit, so if you have questions about this topic, don’t be shy 🙂
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
So it sounds like he just doesn’t have that internal reaction to make him feel romantic towards you. There is nothing you can do about that and I’m so sorry. I’ve had that happen before too. I remember 1 guy in particular who I had a huge crush on for 2 years! We were great friends and always had the best time together! He just didn’t have those feelings towards me, yet many times he would tell me how special and amazing I was. It was hard honestly. I couldn’t really understand how he could say those things to me and not want to be more than just friends. I just had to accept it. I still lived my life and kept the door open and eventually he moved away…and so did my feelings. Thank goodness! It’s no fun to have a crush on someone who doesn’t return the feelings. I’m so sorry you have to experience this. It’s what true for right now, but may not be true next year. Like I said, you never know, so your job is to only deal with what is happening in this moment, let the idea of him go and keep your heart open for a similar kind of guy who feels something in return for you!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I know it can be tough to find a therapist. Have you ever tried EMDR? If you go to http://www.emdr.com they have a directory of therapists who are trained in this method. Maybe you can find someone that way. Keep looking! You do need to find someone who has gone deeper than you, so they can be a good guide for you. I’d be happy to recommend my coach. She used to be therapist, but moved states and decided not to go through the whole re-licensing process. I’ve never met anyone who comes close to her abilities. There is nowhere she is not able to go in the psyche. She is not for everyone though. You need to be someone who is willing to go deep and truly wants healing, no matter what. Her methods will help you reshape your entire belief system, but it will be built on truth, instead of all the lies that come with being wounded and abused. It’s a serious re-work and it takes commitment. She won’t work with someone every once in awhile at first. It’s a weekly commitment for awhile. If this interests you, let me know and I will get her information to you privately. She works with people all over the U.S. through phone, skype or facetime. It surprisingly works really well that way.
I’ve never heard of that movie before. It sounds spectacular! I will have to check it out!
The books on your list are fabulous! There is help out there for you. There is more healing coming towards you. It all will show up for you when you are ready for another, deeper level of healing. Keep at it Vino.
Just a few curious questions….what is it about men that you favor over women…specifically? What is it about women specifically, that makes you not trust them? I know you were abused by a woman (or women), but what beliefs in particular, are you holding onto about women that cause you to keep your walls up around them?
Heidi
