Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi JW,
Welcome! We are glad you are hear and sharing your challenge with us.
I’m not sure exactly what your question is.
Are you married as well? His wife found out, yes? I’m wondering why she is still staying with him after she found out. What is keeping him with her all of this time, if he is unhappy with her? This is a loooong time to carry on an affair, especially after being caught.
So is your concern about whether or not he will follow through on the plan?
Heidi
Hi M,
The hero instinct is meant to just get them connected with you and then providing an opportunity for you to compliment and make them feel like a hero. That can open the door to more connection. That, in and of itself, is one way you can portray how they feel better WITH you vs. without you.
I know you really want him back, but you also have to be careful not to bombard him with techniques. You want to be subtle and have patience. Start with the hero instinct. You can either text it or get him on the phone. The phone is better though. It creates a stronger connection. When he is done helping you, use the approach Kanya suggested where you say “I miss talking to you. Would you maybe be interested in meeting up for coffee?”
Just start with something simple like that and see how he responds. Then we can talk about the next steps.
So when are you going to send him the text? What’s your plan?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I would invite you to also talk to him about why he keeps leaving. If you don’t know that after 18 years of doing this pattern, then maybe it’s time to really find out. He obviously is just going to keep doing this pattern. So if neither of you are willing to really push beyond this pattern and face fears, then your best solution is to just never move in together. Just keep doing what does work and stay away from the one thing that tends to trigger him breaking up. Maybe that is something you can talk about with him at the park. You both just agree to keep things easy and peaceful and that means it’s okay to never move in together. That might be a good agreement, yes?
Heidi
Hi Vino!
Goodness, I have soooo much to say, but don’t have the time today. So I wanted to just address 1 thing.
Let’s talk about the lady that no one could stand. Whenever we see qualities in someone else that are unkind, it is reflective of the unkindness we also carry towards ourselves as well as the judgments we carry towards others. Her behavior activated judgment in you and others. The judgment you had towards her wasn’t caused by her. She just happened to trigger it. That judgment was there before she ever came along. So she is lighting up something inside of you, by her controlling behavior. Let’s look at this little deeper now. Why do you think she behaved the way she did? Truth is, if you were able to connect to the pain she carries, see and know the energy of insecurity she felt and have compassion for her, you would not have disliked her in the way you did. You would not have judged her the way you did. Just like how you took on the challenge with giving the grumpy guy a shot and were determined to do it differently, you completely saw a different side. Does this make sense how the lady was reflective of what you carry inside yourself?
It’s actually quite easy to know what is going on for someone else subconsciously, if you know your own subconscious. It’s just a matter of being able to pick up the signs and symptoms and being able to interpret the general meaning. So when you are “reading” someone, you are picking up on all of their conscious and subconscious signals right? And then you put meaning to those behaviors, words, actions and create an idea about who they are. The secret is though, is to know yourself. We are all fundamentally the same. So when you connect to your own subconscious signs, symptoms and language, you will better be able to spot it in others. But just to be clear, you said this “Reflections – not sure I understand what you’re saying there. There’s no way, I can figure out what’s in somebody else’s subconscious! Still figuring out how to connect with my own!” and I didn’t mean for you to know what is happening subconsciously in someone else with what I was saying. I was referring to YOU knowing your own subconscious.
Does this make sense??
More coming tomorrow!
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome!
This guy sounds like a good experience for you. I understand that you miss him and that you want him back.
I want of first ask you this…he is not going to change. He is hot and cold, because he has his own issues deep inside, that influence his behavior when it comes to romance. Yes, there are things you can do better, but ultimately, his behavior lies with him and NOT the effect of you not doing enough “hero instinct” methods. With that being said, working on getting him back means that you also invite his behavior back into his life. So before you really do that, is this something you can accept about him? How can you handle it differently when he shows up distant again? How can you let it go and not take it personally?
Heidi
Hi Penny,
This is a great question. I have 3 different answers, because it depends on what you are willing to do.
1. Face your loneliness. One thing I always encourage a person to do, is to get comfortable being alone. Many, many people run from loneliness. It’s an awful feeling. However, if you can sit in the loneliness and allow all the emotions that come from it, be expressed and explored, there is great healing waiting for you! It will make you a MUCH BETTER partner when you do join with someone as well. There are places in your psyche, your heart, your emotional body that only loneliness can trigger. That is why I always encourage it. If you keep occupying yourself so you don’t feel lonely, there are important parts of you that need attention and healing, that you will never be able to access. So…there are great gifts and opportunities waiting for you, should you decide to step into the loneliness and learn about yourself.
2. If you want to go out on dates, then you also have to ask yourself “Am I okay using other men to keep me entertained, while I’m waiting for this other guy?” Truth is, you are not emotionally available. When people go out on dates, it’s implied that they are looking for a connection with someone. So the guy who sits across from you, is thinking that you are open to having an experience if there is a connection. Even if you are, and there is a connection, that doesn’t change that you are still hooked on this other guy. All that will happen is you become split and then create even more challenge by having to choose who to invest in.
3. At the same time, going out on dates, even though your heart is occupied at the moment, can be healing on some level. I’ve done that before and even though I wasn’t interested in any of the guys, they gave me experiences to compare against the guy I was holding onto. It helped bring me more clarity into what I was choosing.
So this gives you some food for thought. There is no right or wrong answer here. It’s more about what are you willing to deal with. Make sense?
Heidi
HI Rosarita,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I wish love were enough to keep a relationship together. If it were, we wouldn’t have a divorce rate over 50%. So he is telling you that you “push too much.” Do you understand what this means? Do you agree?
If you want him back, it’s about learning how to create a relationship that is more rewarding and peaceful and nourishing compared to rough. Rough relationships are not meant to last. It’s too stressful. So what can you do to shift how you guys interact? What is missing in your relationship to help it be more peaceful and enjoyable?
As far as asking for advice, you can always say something like, “I miss you and I want to be better for you. Our relationship has been rough and I know I am part of that problem. I would love your advice. What would be 1 thing you would like to see change in our relationship that would make you more happy?” Or you can do something simple like asking for help moving furniture, or asking for advice about a restaurant or what kind of gift to give, or how to dispose of your xmas tree. Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
So I’m still wondering why he ends up leaving. What is happening in the relationship that he is running from? What is happening for him inside, that makes him break up and then come back? What is happening for you, that you feel okay participating in this pattern? I imagine it’s really stressful for you each time. I imagine you would like to be with a guy who can stick through things with you and has the courage to stay. Am I wrong?
I think it’s great he wants to talk. I’m glad he doesn’t want to argue. Is he saying that because you guys argue a lot?
One of the best ways to handle this, is to meet up in a public place. Go somewhere beautiful, peaceful and has a good vibe that you both enjoy. The environment can REALLY help a conversation that could get heated. I also suggest that you go into the conversation, as if your were a reporter and needed to write a story about him. With that mindset, you are more about being curious and asking questions vs. arguing or defending. So if he says something that makes you angry or hurt, instead of responding with anger, keep it under control and just ask more questions about what he means, how it makes him feel, ask for examples. It’s really important to try to understand him from as many angles as possible. This will help him feel more safe to open up and be authentic vs. defensive and getting into an argument with you.
Does this help?
Heidi
Holy smokes Desma!
This is spectacular news! We are sooooo happy to hear this! Thank you for all your appreciation for our help. We receive that deeply into our hearts! We are honored you chose us to be part of your journey.
So….share with us about what specific changes he noticed in you that helped bring him back home? Do you guys still have a plan about seeing a counsellor? Do you guys have any next steps about how to continue caring for your relationship so this doesn’t happen again? What kinds of things are you guys putting in place to better handle the challenges that will show up again?
I love love love this!!! You rock Desma! You had the courage to try something different and dive into self improvement. Wow!
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
First, I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself. You are taking a lot of responsibility for what has happened. The truth is, it ALWAYS takes 2 people to make something work. Just because you missed certain things about how to offer better answers to his questions, he also missed some things as well. Trying to focus on NOT messing up, is a focus that will just keep you in fear. Truth is, you WILL mess up. We all do from time to time. The focus needs to be on just being you…WHEN you mess up, you will be okay! If someone cannot handle whatever your mess-ups are, then that is REALLY IMPORTANT information you need to know about them, right? All of us are just doing the very best we know how, with the information we have. We do better when we learn more, so as long as you keep learning and growing, you are doing everything you possibly can…and that is enough!
I love the awareness you have about your patterns and getting clear about what you want. Stopping sabotage, especially in the area of romantic love, is really difficult because there are many, many layers to love that are scary and can trigger people. If this is something you truly want to change about yourself, what’s your plan? How do you plan on shifting that part of yourself?
Heidi
Okay….I am just soooo freakin’ happy for you! Again, this sounds really wonderful! It’s progressing in such a great way!
I gotta ask, but of course you don’t have to answer. Have you guys been intimate yet? I imagine he is respectful, kind and connected to you, if you have had sex, or you probably wouldn’t continue dating. Just checking on how things are going in that department. Good chemistry? Like-minded?
I LOVE that he is connected with your dog. He just sounds like a really wonderful guy and it sounds like you guys have some great conversations!!! It sounds like you are developing a really great friendship! Any red flags yet??
I love this “Interactive Diary” kind of concept. You are totally right! It’s a great way to use this platform actually.
So you got her in India and then brought her back to France with you??? Wow! That’s dedication. India seems like such an intense place to live. How long were you there?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. Your situation is very interesting.
I have some questions that can help give an idea about how to better guide you. You guys have been going in this on and off again cycle for 18 years now. Do you guys break up for the same reason each time? Do you guys take turns as to who breaks up, or have both of you decided to end things at different times? If I understand this correctly, the past 3 years you were back together, but then what happened? After 18 years, I would think moving in together and building a life together would be a reasonable and normal path to take, but it sounds like you guys are not that close nor see each other as someone you want to build a full and complete life with. So help me understand the dynamics here that keep you guys from really investing in each other. Did he give any specific reason why he thinks the last 3 years were a mistake and why he has broken up this last time?
Lastly, I want to encourage you to take a breath. I know it feels like you are going crazy. This is a REALLY good time for you to get grounded and centered in yourself. You are giving him sooooo much power in your life that it’s causing you to feel anxiety and losing yourself. That is one of the biggest turn offs for many men. Men typically are attracted to women who know they are okay without them. They love to know their woman knows herself, her strength, her resilience, even if he disconnects and leaves. I’m guessing from what you are telling me, he does not sense this from you. So the very first order of business is to take back your power and self esteem. What kinds of things can you do for yourself that bring joy, nourishment and fun into your life right now?
Heidi
Hi Penny,
We appreciate you as well! A lot! Being here and sharing your experiences, in an honest way and letting us be part of your process, is always an honor. We both deeply care!
It sounds like for now, you have found some level of acceptance. Like what Kanya was saying before, really pay attention to yourself through this and how YOU are feeling. It is a VERY easy and common thing for women to get so caught up on trying to get their guy back, that they lose themselves. They stay friends, they keep doing and being everything for the relationship in efforts to keep the connection going and the guy hardly has to put any effort in. So make sure you stay connected to yourself and how YOU are feeling as well. I know he needs space right now and you are doing a really good job honoring what he needs. Just make sure your needs are honored as well. You are MORE important than he is!
Keep writing here! Even if you need to vent. It’s all okay as we are here as support for you!
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Oh wow!!!! Thank you so much for the update! This is spectacular! I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you said. I love that you got a massage package for yourself! I love that you guys are compromising and figuring this out. I love that you guys are pushing your comfort zones. This is so great to hear and just warms my heart as we begin this new year…2020 – perfect vision right? It’s going to be a powerful year for many many people. I wish you guys the very best and I am sending tons of good vibes that Cass finds a good home. You both have blessed each other’s lives.
Take care Dana!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m so sorry for this. I know your heart is breaking and it’s a VERY difficult thing to let go of the dreams you created around him. It’s time to release all of it.
The reality is, you cannot be friends. As long as there are romantic feelings, you cannot be his friend. It’s more torturous really. That love and connection you feel will only keep pulling you into wanting more connection, wanting to kiss, wanting to look beautiful for him so maybe you catch his attention. Everything you do will be because you want to fuel that love and connection and get him back. If you really want to get over him and make this real, you don’t see him or talk to him for awhile. Your heart needs to time to heal. Once it’s healed and the feelings are gone, you can be friends. If you are going to stay in contact, expect the hurt to increase as you will only continue to feel rejected.
Free writing is a GREAT thing to do! Think about your pain this way…it’s just energy. If you don’t create a way for that energy to move, it turns into a GIANT traffic jam and it will just build and build and build up. So free writing is a way to move the energy. Here are some other ways to move the energy.
1. Get a recording app on your phone. Turn it on and start talking as if it were him. I did this technique back in college when I had a really tough breakup. My heart ached for him so badly AND I was so angry at him. So anytime I was in the car, I pulled out my recorder and I just started talking into it as if it were him. It helped a TON! It got all of those thoughts out of my head and I used my voice to release them. I had no filter. I just said EVERYTHING. Sometimes I was crying and missing him and only talking about the good things, sometimes I was just pure anger and talked about his choices. I would talk into that thing sometimes 5x a day. It helped keep the energy moving. I had plenty of it to move, just as you do right now.
2. Dance. Find songs that feel like depression or anxiety or anger or love. Make a playlist. Then dance those songs. Dance in a way that expresses depression. Dance in a way that shows anxiety. Move your body in a way that shows love. This technique is also really powerful. You just tap into whatever emotion you are feeling in the moment and just move your body in a way that expresses that emotion. Again…you are moving the energy out of your body and transforming it into movement.
3. Watch movies that remind you of your strength. Under the Tuscan Sun is a good one! You want to watch movies where the main character struggles but figures out a way to get back up. Movies are a good brain break AND they can help activate your resilient spirit.
4. Listen to podcasts / videos etc. FILL your hearing with positive. Fill your hearing with encouragement. Fill your hearing with messages that remind you of the truth of who you are.
The pain is so intense, so you have to do whatever it takes to move that energy out and keep it moving. A traffic jam just ADDS to the suffering and can make it unbearable. You can do this Rebecca. You CAN heal. You CAN release him and create a new vision for yourself. It’s time to fight for that.
Heidi
