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Hi Angelica,
First, I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself. You are taking a lot of responsibility for what has happened. The truth is, it ALWAYS takes 2 people to make something work. Just because you missed certain things about how to offer better answers to his questions, he also missed some things as well. Trying to focus on NOT messing up, is a focus that will just keep you in fear. Truth is, you WILL mess up. We all do from time to time. The focus needs to be on just being you…WHEN you mess up, you will be okay! If someone cannot handle whatever your mess-ups are, then that is REALLY IMPORTANT information you need to know about them, right? All of us are just doing the very best we know how, with the information we have. We do better when we learn more, so as long as you keep learning and growing, you are doing everything you possibly can…and that is enough!
I love the awareness you have about your patterns and getting clear about what you want. Stopping sabotage, especially in the area of romantic love, is really difficult because there are many, many layers to love that are scary and can trigger people. If this is something you truly want to change about yourself, what’s your plan? How do you plan on shifting that part of yourself?
Heidi
Okay….I am just soooo freakin’ happy for you! Again, this sounds really wonderful! It’s progressing in such a great way!
I gotta ask, but of course you don’t have to answer. Have you guys been intimate yet? I imagine he is respectful, kind and connected to you, if you have had sex, or you probably wouldn’t continue dating. Just checking on how things are going in that department. Good chemistry? Like-minded?
I LOVE that he is connected with your dog. He just sounds like a really wonderful guy and it sounds like you guys have some great conversations!!! It sounds like you are developing a really great friendship! Any red flags yet??
I love this “Interactive Diary” kind of concept. You are totally right! It’s a great way to use this platform actually.
So you got her in India and then brought her back to France with you??? Wow! That’s dedication. India seems like such an intense place to live. How long were you there?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. Your situation is very interesting.
I have some questions that can help give an idea about how to better guide you. You guys have been going in this on and off again cycle for 18 years now. Do you guys break up for the same reason each time? Do you guys take turns as to who breaks up, or have both of you decided to end things at different times? If I understand this correctly, the past 3 years you were back together, but then what happened? After 18 years, I would think moving in together and building a life together would be a reasonable and normal path to take, but it sounds like you guys are not that close nor see each other as someone you want to build a full and complete life with. So help me understand the dynamics here that keep you guys from really investing in each other. Did he give any specific reason why he thinks the last 3 years were a mistake and why he has broken up this last time?
Lastly, I want to encourage you to take a breath. I know it feels like you are going crazy. This is a REALLY good time for you to get grounded and centered in yourself. You are giving him sooooo much power in your life that it’s causing you to feel anxiety and losing yourself. That is one of the biggest turn offs for many men. Men typically are attracted to women who know they are okay without them. They love to know their woman knows herself, her strength, her resilience, even if he disconnects and leaves. I’m guessing from what you are telling me, he does not sense this from you. So the very first order of business is to take back your power and self esteem. What kinds of things can you do for yourself that bring joy, nourishment and fun into your life right now?
Heidi
Hi Penny,
We appreciate you as well! A lot! Being here and sharing your experiences, in an honest way and letting us be part of your process, is always an honor. We both deeply care!
It sounds like for now, you have found some level of acceptance. Like what Kanya was saying before, really pay attention to yourself through this and how YOU are feeling. It is a VERY easy and common thing for women to get so caught up on trying to get their guy back, that they lose themselves. They stay friends, they keep doing and being everything for the relationship in efforts to keep the connection going and the guy hardly has to put any effort in. So make sure you stay connected to yourself and how YOU are feeling as well. I know he needs space right now and you are doing a really good job honoring what he needs. Just make sure your needs are honored as well. You are MORE important than he is!
Keep writing here! Even if you need to vent. It’s all okay as we are here as support for you!
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Oh wow!!!! Thank you so much for the update! This is spectacular! I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you said. I love that you got a massage package for yourself! I love that you guys are compromising and figuring this out. I love that you guys are pushing your comfort zones. This is so great to hear and just warms my heart as we begin this new year…2020 – perfect vision right? It’s going to be a powerful year for many many people. I wish you guys the very best and I am sending tons of good vibes that Cass finds a good home. You both have blessed each other’s lives.
Take care Dana!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m so sorry for this. I know your heart is breaking and it’s a VERY difficult thing to let go of the dreams you created around him. It’s time to release all of it.
The reality is, you cannot be friends. As long as there are romantic feelings, you cannot be his friend. It’s more torturous really. That love and connection you feel will only keep pulling you into wanting more connection, wanting to kiss, wanting to look beautiful for him so maybe you catch his attention. Everything you do will be because you want to fuel that love and connection and get him back. If you really want to get over him and make this real, you don’t see him or talk to him for awhile. Your heart needs to time to heal. Once it’s healed and the feelings are gone, you can be friends. If you are going to stay in contact, expect the hurt to increase as you will only continue to feel rejected.
Free writing is a GREAT thing to do! Think about your pain this way…it’s just energy. If you don’t create a way for that energy to move, it turns into a GIANT traffic jam and it will just build and build and build up. So free writing is a way to move the energy. Here are some other ways to move the energy.
1. Get a recording app on your phone. Turn it on and start talking as if it were him. I did this technique back in college when I had a really tough breakup. My heart ached for him so badly AND I was so angry at him. So anytime I was in the car, I pulled out my recorder and I just started talking into it as if it were him. It helped a TON! It got all of those thoughts out of my head and I used my voice to release them. I had no filter. I just said EVERYTHING. Sometimes I was crying and missing him and only talking about the good things, sometimes I was just pure anger and talked about his choices. I would talk into that thing sometimes 5x a day. It helped keep the energy moving. I had plenty of it to move, just as you do right now.
2. Dance. Find songs that feel like depression or anxiety or anger or love. Make a playlist. Then dance those songs. Dance in a way that expresses depression. Dance in a way that shows anxiety. Move your body in a way that shows love. This technique is also really powerful. You just tap into whatever emotion you are feeling in the moment and just move your body in a way that expresses that emotion. Again…you are moving the energy out of your body and transforming it into movement.
3. Watch movies that remind you of your strength. Under the Tuscan Sun is a good one! You want to watch movies where the main character struggles but figures out a way to get back up. Movies are a good brain break AND they can help activate your resilient spirit.
4. Listen to podcasts / videos etc. FILL your hearing with positive. Fill your hearing with encouragement. Fill your hearing with messages that remind you of the truth of who you are.
The pain is so intense, so you have to do whatever it takes to move that energy out and keep it moving. A traffic jam just ADDS to the suffering and can make it unbearable. You can do this Rebecca. You CAN heal. You CAN release him and create a new vision for yourself. It’s time to fight for that.
Heidi
Hi Christina,
First, I just want to say that I am soooo so sorry! I know the feeling of deep heartbreak and it is so painful. You found out some shocking information and your whole world shattered. I wish there were a quick fix to getting rid of the pain. This kind of pain has so many layers to it that started to build even before this guy. When we have pain that deep and that big, it’s triggering a whole network of pain that took years to build up. That is part of why it’s so intense. You DO have the strength to feel whatever you need to feel Christina.
Free writing is a GREAT thing to do! Think about your pain this way…it’s just energy. If you don’t create a way for that energy to move, it turns into a GIANT traffic jam and it will just build and build and build up. So free writing is a way to move the energy. Here are some other ways to move the energy.
1. Get a recording app on your phone. Turn it on and start talking as if it were him. I did this technique back in college when I had a really tough breakup. My heart ached for him so badly AND I was so angry at him. So anytime I was in the car, I pulled out my recorder and I just started talking into it as if it were him. It helped a TON! It got all of those thoughts out of my head and I used my voice to release them. I had no filter. I just said EVERYTHING. Sometimes I was crying and missing him and only talking about the good things, sometimes I was just pure anger and talked about his choices. I would talk into that thing sometimes 5x a day. It helped keep the energy moving. I had plenty of it to move, just as you do right now.
2. Dance. Find songs that feel like depression or anxiety or anger or love. Make a playlist. Then dance those songs. Dance in a way that expresses depression. Dance in a way that shows anxiety. Move your body in a way that shows love. This technique is also really powerful. You just tap into whatever emotion you are feeling in the moment and just move your body in a way that expresses that emotion. Again…you are moving the energy out of your body and transforming it into movement.
3. Watch movies that remind you of your strength. Under the Tuscan Sun is a good one! You want to watch movies where the main character struggles but figures out a way to get back up. Movies are a good brain break AND they can help activate your resilient spirit.
4. Listen to podcasts / videos etc. FILL your hearing with positive. Fill your hearing with encouragement. Fill your hearing with messages that remind you of the truth of who you are. If you are focusing on the negative, you HAVE to get other voices in your hearing to counteract all that negative. Don’t you dare let all those negative thoughts take over and ruin your life! You are more than that Christina. You are MORE than this pain. You are more than rejection. You are more than this loss! You need to fight and surround yourself with positive any place you can get it! Don’t you dare let this man steal your joy!
You can do this Christina! You have everything inside of you to heal. Fight for it! No more excuses that you don’t have time. You MAKE time. You are in crisis mode, so you have to DOWSE yourself with whatever works. No excuses.
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
I realize it might be a bit late to offer guidance about what to say about New Years. I think it’s always a safe bet, and a pretty normal conversation, to talk about what you want to let go of from 2019 and what new things you are going to bring in for 2020. It’s a great way to share each other’s vision.
Do you feel that is something you can bring up, maybe even over the next few days?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
All this stuff is so great! I’m glad you resonate with Joe Dispenza. He is definitely someone who has studied the brain in new ways! Chakras do come from the east, but we finally have technology that can photograph them people’s auras which are expressions of the chakras. It’s really spectacular! I love how you described what you experienced about being one with nature that one time. That is EXACTLY it!!! You were connecting to what is out there beyond our physical bodies! I get your need to go go go when in nature. I find myself doing the same thing, so I work on becoming much more purposeful and just slow down. Maybe that is a practice you bring into your life. That peace you felt is very healing!
Let me know if you have more questions, I’m happy to offer you more info!
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have some great questions.
First and foremost, the moment you start to “compete” that is the moment you disconnect from your own value. There really is no competition here. You are you and she is who she is….2 totally different people who happen to catch the attention of the same guy. Who he ends up being attracted to more has NOTHING to do with you or her being better than other. It has to do with HIM. He has baggage, he has emotional wounds, he has limitations, he has wonderful and amazing things about him as well. He will pick the person that resonates with all of that more. If he chooses the other woman over you, it’s not because you are “less than” or that she is “better than.” There is NO COMPETITION. It’s soooo important for you to connect to your greatness, your value, your amazingness whether or not he chooses you. By “competing” for his attention, you are now putting YOUR VALUE in HIS hands. Take it back! You are valuable and worth fighting for, even if he doesn’t choose you. That’s the MOST IMPORTANT lesson here for you to learn. Also, remember you know very little about him. What you know so far, sounds fantastic! Just keep going with the flow. I LOVE how honest he was with you. Reward his honesty with your respect for his needs. Give him the space he needs, but also keep connecting the way you want to. There is still a lot to learn about him and you might find that he has some qualities that are deal breakers for you. You never know. For now, keep taking it slow by not having sex and enjoy what you DO have with him.
Of course you are going to be upset! You care about him and it would be extremely difficult for any woman to hear the man she really likes, wants to also go on a date with another woman. Yikes! BUT…again, this is so good for you, because it is bringing up all your insecurities. It is the perfect time to face those insecurities, right? Why not really deep dive into what those insecurities are telling you and work on releasing them and healing them? Don’t rely on him to make you feel better about yourself…that is YOUR job, right? So what can you do to connect more to your insecurities??
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
Great questions.
When you validate, you just want him to know that you UNDERSTAND how he feels. So you say things like, “Oh wow. I get it. That must have been really hard for you.” or “So when she said that to you, you must have felt your heart just break into pieces. What did you say back to her.” or “I can see why this is so hard for you. Your daughter is so incredibly important and I love how much you care about how you are affecting her. I can see why it’s such a struggle for you.” Does this help a little more?
As far as how to start the conversation, you just ask a few questions, from a curious kind of energy. So something like, “It’s so good to see you. I really appreciate this time. I know it’s been so difficult with everything that has been happening for you. I imagine you just have a lot of confusion. What would you say is the hardest part about all of this for you?” SO that question starts out with appreciating, then validates his experience, then invites him into a conversation about it. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Okay great! 7 is good! It gives me a more clear picture about how you feel. You are responding soooo differently than how you used to. Do you realize that??? You are a completely different person, so needless to say…you have had some great growth since you first came on here! It really is spectacular to see! I love soooo much that stay connected with us here. Everyone usually just comes on for short time, so we don’t get to really changes over time. So thank you for sharing your journey with us for so long!
So glad you are feeling a little better. I bet your pup LOVES that you are staying home. lol! What kind of dog do you have? How old? Does your guy like your dog? I use my dog as a filter. I can immediately tell how a guy feels about dogs. It’s a HUGE part of my life, so if a guy doesn’t pass the “test” I quickly exit. 🙂
Heidi
Hi Vino!
This is such a great discussion! I appreciate your willingness to share and participate in a such an honest way! You rock!
So let’s go through some of the things you said. I copied and pasted what you wrote, so you know exactly what I am referencing. That way, you won’t have to go back and re-read everything you wrote.
This was #7: Women are weaker than i am. I cannot lean on someone who is weaker. I don’t lean on men who are weaker either. I am very picky. What does “weaker” mean? In what way are women or men weaker than you?
Here are just a few things you have said where you referenced crying as being weak:
if i ever got weak enough or safe enough to cry….
and I had to be the strong one to balance things off. I resented that. I resented having to be the strong one all the time.
A handful of times, you speak in present tense referring to “strength” as being able to hold your emotions back. This is where I am getting the idea of you believing emotions are weak.Let’s discuss this a bit more:
I don’t think it takes a lot of strength to express emotion.I think it takes strength to control your emotions and express them
appropriately.
There definitely is a time and place to express emotions for sure. There definitely are safe and not safe people to express your emotions to. I absolutely agree that there needs to be control of emotions sometimes, for the purpose of protecting yourself from any further distress. However, you believe it doesn’t take strength to express emotion, is really only partly true. For some people, like your ex or your mother’s family, their emotional system overexpresses as a coping mechanism. So you are absolutely right in that it’s not difficult for them to express emotion, therefore there is no “strength” involved. But then you had your father’s side of the family who lived on the other extreme. For people who have a under-expressive emotional system for coping, it takes and INCREDIBLE amount of strength to express emotions. So it really just depends on the person and what their particular coping patterns are.Here is another bit I’d like to dive deeper into:
not EVERY person is a reflection of me, or carries a reflection of me. Even if she causes strong reactions in myself.
she triggered everyone. She was causing the opposite reaction in people than I do. So she wasn’t a reflection of me
I’d like to invite you to think more expansively. When I said that everyone is a reflection of you, it’s not JUST about their behaviors reflecting your behaviors. It’s much more expansive than that. That part is sometimes true though. Sometimes, it really is that literal and evident where someone is behaving in a way towards you or others, in the same way you behave. But other times, a person can reflect a belief you carry about yourself. This part gets a little more tricky, because many times, a person is reflecting a belief you carry about yourself in your subconscious. For example, let’s say someone grew up being hit by their mother or father and each time after being hit, the parent would say “I’m just loving you. I’m trying to help you be the best person you can be.” That child is going to grow up with the belief that abuse equals love and that belief will get stored pretty deep. So then that child grows into an adult and ends up working at a job where the boss is verbally abusive. Now…that person is not verbally abusive at all and hates it. However, because they carry the belief that abuse equals love (in the subconscious), that beliefs acts like an energetic beacon and attracts people that will abuse them in some form or fashion…because ultimately, that person doesn’t believe (deep down) they deserve to be treated any differently. So that is how every single person is a reflection of you. They are either giving you an experience of how you treat others or they are reflecting to you, beliefs you carry consciously or unconsciously, about how you believe you should be treated. The subconscious is a VERY tricky place. It is a HUGE part of how and why we design our lives the way we do. So being that approximately 80% of our lives is determined by thoughts and believes coming from the subconscious, the very best way to better understand your subconscious is to understand how our subconscious sends us signals. One way it tells us what is deep inside, is by attracting people, jobs, life situations that reflect what it carries. Does this make sense??Just a short comment on this: women gossip
Yes, women gossip. But PEOPLE gossip. Men gossip just as much as women do. I have been a strength coach for about 20 years. That means that I have been in the back office hanging out with mostly guys for my career. The amount of gossip I have heard coming from men is absolutely comparable to women! People gossip for one reason. It’s about connection. By gossiping, it creates a bond/connection with the person they are talking with. That connection helps them feel important in their lives on some level.Are we equipped to meet all our own needs? YES YES YES!!! We are equipped to meet all of our own needs. With that being said, I don’t mean to imply that don’t use each other for help. It IS meeting your own needs when you ask for help with something. Where people get really screwed up, is when they are wanting someone else to be different, so they can feel better. Let’s say I am dating a guy who is ALWAYS late. If I expect him to change so I can be happy, I am barking up the wrong tree. If I am going to get my needs met, I might get creative and tell him the time to be ready is 30 minutes earlier. I might decide that his tardiness is a deal breaker for me, so in the spirit of completely accepting him for who he is, I might choose to break up. Or…I can always just let it go and accept that I can be okay being late to things. All I am trying to convey is that when we RELY on someone else to take care of our needs all the time, it’s wanting someone else to do for us, what we are not willing to do for ourselves. There is no harm in asking for help. There is no harm in enlisting other people to guide us through some messiness. There is no harm asking for a hug. The harm again, is when we EXPECT or RELY completely on someone else. So when we get upset about how someone else behaves and then we want them to change or say sorry or listen or do whatever it is that we think they should do to rectify the situation, it is expecting them to make us feel better, instead of us taking on the responsibility to heal ourselves, first and foremost. Does this make more sense?
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
This just sounds really nice. It sounds like you guys aren’t rushing into anything. It sounds like you are staying really grounded and letting things develop as they will.
I’m curious. How much do you like this guy at this point. Give me a number between 1 and 10. 10 being that all of you would like this to work and 5 being you feel you would be happy either way…if it worked or didn’t work, either direction is good. 1 being, it doesn’t really matter. You are not that invested.
Holidays have been super peaceful for me. I do a lot of dog sitting, so my Christmas is usually filled with 5-6 dogs that make me sooo happy! Lots of hike, dog parks and play time. One of my favorite ways to spend the holidays. No drama!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Well, what I know about energy fields and what they project, is that they are made up of our DOMINANT and TRUE beliefs….both positive and negative and our fields are constantly changing and shifting.
Again, it’s not about perfecting anything. You cannot fake what is in your energy field. You can have a thought “I am a wonderful person that everyone likes” but if you also carry the belief “don’t come too close” that is stronger, that is what will dominate your field. That’s why healing on a deep level, is so important. Connecting to and healing those limiting beliefs, will shift that negative energy and transform it into the positive energy, therefore shifting your energy field. Our energy field is generated from our chakras. Our chakras are energy centers. There are 7 on our bodies and then, depending on who you talk to, there are many more about our head and below our feet. So let’s just stick with the 7 energy centers on our body. Each chakra carries very specific purposes. Chakras 1-3 are more about what is showing up in reality. Chakras 4-7 deal more with spirit, the things we cannot see. For example, 4th chakra is our heart and our abilities to love. You cannot see love. 5th chakra is at the throat and is about our abilities to express and use our voice in a balanced way. You cannot see the voice. I could go on and on, but I don’t want to go into things you are already aware of.
Chakras are important to understand if you are going to work with your energy body. Everything that shows up in our lives, is a reflection of how well our chakras are doing energetically. They are supposed to spin in a clockwise direction and at a certain speed, but trauma or disruptions can cause them run slow or spin backwards. They can get really clogged up too. So if you have a clogged up 2nd chakra (it’s just below your belly button), you will have trouble manifesting money. You might end up with ovarian cancer or UTI’s. So when the energy centers are mucked up, it will show up in reality somehow.
With that being said, there are other ways to look at our energy bodies and how it affects our physical lives. My favorite teachers are Gregg Braden, Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dawson Church. There are a gazillion more though. These guys offer a TON of science, as they all are scientists. Science is finally catching up and proving the “mystical” for the first time ever. It really is fascinating.
You can also study Carolyn Myss, Donna Eden, Louise Hay if you want to learn how to heal yourself through energy techniques. All VERY powerful women who are pioneers in the field of energy medicine and healing.
I could talk about this stuff all day!!!
Heidi
