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Good to hear Candace! After posting this movie, I saved it to my playlist, as I need to watch it again. It is inspiring. I remember when it first came out, how many women just flocked to it and came out feeling so much better about themselves. I remember when the Facebook post went viral. She did an incredible thing by putting this out there, despite all the criticism she received in the process. She is a role model for me.
So how are you feeling now? What is going on for you? I would like to keep talking about this and giving you ideas about how you can better connect with yourself. It’s a daily practice Candace. If you want to attract a man who loves you deeply and intimately, it starts with you doing that for yourself first. Healing all those blocks that prevent you from connecting to the beauty that you are, is such an important journey.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I can totally understand why your anxiety is shooting through the roof right now. It’s awful sitting in the “unknown” place with no direction.
Let’s talk about your relationship first. What was going on for you that you asked to take a break 2 different times? What does it mean to take a break? Because you guys don’t act like it was a breakup, so I’m not sure exactly what it was, or what purpose it was meant to serve.
What steps are you doing to focus on yourself, exactly?
I cannot say for sure, but from what you have told me, it doesn’t sound like his need to not get back together is about playing a game or revenge. Maybe he doesn’t feel emotionally safe in the relationship? Maybe this new girl is giving him a different experience that is causing him to reflect more and making him want to slow him down a bit before jumping right back into it with you. You say you want forever, but what would stop you from “taking a break” again? Your words and actions are not aligned, so he may not trust you. Those are just some possibilities. No matter his reasons, I imagine he doesn’t want to hop back into the same patterns. So help us understand more about what is happening in your relationship and how you guys functioned together.
I think it’s a good idea to continue giving him space at this point. Not pressuring him will work in your favor. It’s also super important for him to feel your integrity and doing what you say you are going to do. I know how hard it is not to connect. It’s awful. Make sure you are really taking good care of yourself right now. Watch some good movies, get some good books, hang out with friends more, find more ways to laugh, make sure you are exercising and eating well etc. All those things will help you manage the anxiety you feel about not connecting with him. Let him come to you. This is important.
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
You are doing such a great job! What you are going through is so hard and you are choosing to fight for yourself anyways, instead of being consumed by the pain and becoming stuck. Running is actually such a great thing to start right now! Aside from all the endorphins that help, the bilateral stimulation with your foot strike, right left right left (over and over again), activates the information processing center in your brain. So aside from the physical benefits, it is actually helping you process, which is going to help you heal faster. Keep running!!!
Here is a video that may help:
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I just wanted to check in. I am so proud of you. To go from crying and feeling all of that pain, to picking yourself back up again, making a vision board and then going to find a personal trainer to help you move your body…all those things are spectacular! That is resilience at it’s best! Let yourself wallow though sometimes. Crying is a way to move the emotion and to help it not get stuck. Sometimes what I do, is give myself that space to wallow and have self pity, but I set a time limit. So I might say, “Okay Heidi. You are allowed to feel this depression, these tears or this anger until 4pm today. Once 4pm comes, it’s time to start moving the energy and get to work on healing. It’s time to start working on your resilience. Do it however it works for you, but the idea is to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and then you pick yourself back up again and start moving forward. Then you cry again, then you get back up again. Make sense?
How did the personal trainer session go??
How are you feeling today?
Heidi
Is that a numerology thing? Her birth year and the letter her name should start with? Just curious. I love hearing and exploring all different kinds of things. There is so much out there!
What number child is he?
What’s his relationship history? Have you guys talked about that yet?
What are his career goals? Are these tests he is taking for helping him to advance to a higher level as a fireman or something?
I love “superhero!” It’s perfect! I remember calling this one guy “superman” and deep down, I think he loved it, even though he kind of did what your guy did by rejecting it. Lol.
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new updates? Any new thoughts or feelings? Where are you at with all of this right now? We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new updates? Any new thoughts or feelings? Where are you at with all of this right now? We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hey there!
Sorry we haven’t responded as speedily as you needed. We have had a lot of posts and people to respond to, so we are doing the best we can to catch up. Thank you for your continued patience and not giving up on us! You are important and you matter to us.
First, I’d like to encourage you to slow down. I know you think that if you don’t keep texting, he will think you are not interested. The challenge here is, if you keep initiating, it gives him NO room to initiate or feel your absence in his life and that is actually an important part of activating his need to chase you. You that saying “you want what you can’t have??” It’s a very powerful psychological mechanism in all of us. It’s acts differently between men and women though. For men, they instinctively love to chase on some level and women love being chased. I’m speaking in general terms of course. So if you are always the one initiating contact, there are 3 things happening: 1. you are chasing him 2. he doesn’t have to work for you 3. you nor him has any idea about how he feels about you because you are the one carrying the connection. If you take a step back and let him feel the absence of you, it creates space for him to feel like he misses you. It will make him feel like he needs to put in some effort. Does looking at it from this perspective help you understand how your approach is not actually working in this particular situation??
I think it’s important for you to know how he REALLY feels, without your influence or your techniques. Isn’t that something you want to know? A guy who is really into a woman, will be interested in her for exactly who she is and not because of certain texts that she sends or because she is activating his hero instinct. Those are just ways to enhance things. You say you are not feeling insecure about your worth anymore, but all you are focused on is how to “be irresistible” and keep this guy engaged. Truth is, if you did absolutely nothing, except be yourself, you ARE irresistible in that form. You ARE worth engaging with and getting to know, whether or not this guy feels that way. That is TRUE self worth. When you have that kind of confidence inside, men flock to that. A man loves a woman that he feels is solid on the inside. A man loves a woman who knows her self worth, outside of him. A man doesn’t really respect a woman who doesn’t expect to be treated with value and respect. So you may think you don’t have any self worth challenges anymore, but your actions tell him otherwise. Is this making sense to you?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Man!!! That really sucks!!! I’m so sad they ghosted you and I’m so sad one of the job opportunities disappeared! It may be a rough month, or it can be a month where you strengthen your faith and trust in God that everything is as it needs to be. I’m not a fan of “moderate drinking” either. My guess is, alcohol could be a part of his daily life. Maybe 1-2 glasses of wine at dinner or something…who knows. It would be a yellow flag for sure and something you would have to gather more info about. But since he has disappeared, then I trust it’s probably for the best anyways. I can’t tell you how often people get ghosted online. Both men and women experience it on a daily, weekly basis. You are not alone. We know the general reasons why people ghost (too afraid to be honest and fear of hurting someone’s feelings – or they just don’t care – or they are just online playing a bunch of games). The specifics for each person vary and frankly, always make me happy to find out the kind of person they are sooner than later. I want to keep encouraging you to not take it personal. I know that is so much more easier said than done though. It’s not your fault. You are just being your bright and shiny self and that is enough! One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Suess “Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind.”
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling about letting him go? Are you struggling? Are you confused? Are you still searching for ways to catch his attention and activate romantic feelings in him? What’s your status?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I’m sorry we haven’t responded to you sooner. Sometimes, it just takes a few days for us to catch up on everyone, but every single person does get a response. Don’t give up quite yet!
I’m so sorry about what you read and I completely understand why you would be discouraged. What I firmly believe, through and through, is how we feel about ourselves, is what will impact what shows up in our lives. There are PLENTY of overweight women, in relationships. Even in the modeling and acting industry, there are overweight women who are famous and get plenty of attention. Oprah is considered overweight, yet she is one of the most powerful women in the world. She is loved and adored by millions despite her size. The point is, it’s less about your body and MORE about the energy you project and how you feel about yourself. You are loveable and worth knowing EXACTLY as you are right now! You have the most important kind of beauty that is inside of you that can be portrayed. Check out this article. Every single one of these women are beautiful! They have a look, they are projecting an attitude, they are aligned with themselves. That makes them show stoppers, doesn’t it?
https://www.buzzfeed.com/norawhelan/theres-more-than-one-plus-size-model
What I highly suggest is this movie. I LOVE this documentary! It has helped heal a lot of broken hearts and given hope to many ladies who struggle with their appearance. What is in this movie is the truth, not whatever it is that you read. Don’t you dare give up on yourself or the potential for a wonderful man to come into life you love you just as you are! You are so much more than your body!!!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have quite the situation going on.
First, let’s talk about what is really happening here. You want him back, but have you guys really talked about what caused this in the first place? Was he unhappy? Was he bored? How would you have described your marriage? Were you happy? How was your sex life together?
The thing is, trying to get him back would feel good, but it wouldn’t change how you guys function together. It would change that he could choose to keep having a secret affair. He cheated on you, he is basically cheating on his current girlfriend, unless she knows that you guys are still meeting up. You may not be physically intimate, but you are emotionally connecting. Truth is, he hasn’t really had to face the consequences of his choice to leave. He gets to have his girlfriend AND his ex wife connecting into him. That, in and of itself, tells me that even if he did come back to you, he most likely will still secretly go see his girlfriend. What is happening here? Who is this guy? Share a little more detail about this, because I’m not really seeing why he would have any motivation to change anything at this point. He is getting ALL of his needs met between the both of you.
Heidi
Oh wow…it’s really easy to bring your dog into Paris. For the U.S. I think it just depends on where the dog comes from. I’m not too familiar with it. The family that had my dog before are the ones that had to deal with it and she said it was a pain in the ass. Fairy eh??? I LOVE it!!! Why that name???
Well, if you had to find something wrong with him, you picked something good…lol. At least he has a sister that can help him out.
And I think you should find a name for him that you can call him too. It cracks me up that he admitted to calling you that partly to just get under your skin a bit. He sounds fun!
How long before his house is ready? How long is the drive?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
This is great! Glad you are working on staying cool headed.
Why not let him stay and talk? It’s a good time to start rebuilding your friendship. There are a few different things you can talk about. You can just talk about things you are learning about yourself, things you are noticing in your life around you. Are there any new opinions you have? What do you guys normally talk about? I imagine you have quite the friendship after 18 years. I imagine you guys have talked about a lot of different things, so just tap back into that friendship you have built over the years and connect. Keep it light, keep it easy and keep it cozy. You want to remind him how good he can feel when he is around you. Maybe there are some fun videos or articles you came across and you share that with him.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I know you are deeply hurting. It hurts so terribly to be ignored like this.
Dana, in all of your pain, it is soooo important that you be kind to yourself. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is not doing this because of the argument you had. He is doing this because it is part of what he does to sabotage. Many people have this coping mechanism, both men and women. It comes from some very deep woundedness that most likely happened while growing up. I know that is where it lived in me. The thing is, you cannot fix this for him. You cannot help him heal. This is one of those things that he has to face. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make him face whatever it is that he is carrying. He is not ready and who knows if he ever will be. It’s exactly like that saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
Yes the fight was stupid and you both behaved in inconsiderate ways, but he is triggered into this reaction because his coffee cup is so dam full. Any tiny little bump and his coping mechanism is triggered (the analogy is from the article I attached in the previous post). It is NOT your fault that his coffee cup is sooooo full. This situation is showing you that he really is not set up to be happy long term. The closer you guys get and the happier you become, he is someone who is going to sabotage more and more. My coach taught me this many years ago and it’s still very true to this day “The number one reason people don’t get better, is because they start to get better and their system is not set up to receive it.” It’s a strange thing really, but people’s emotional system has to be set up to be happy. I’ve seen this in myself as well as others, over and over again. Things are going GREAT! I am getting what I want and need. I’m happy. Then BAM! I sabotage to bring down my happy factor. So I gotta fight to clear whatever that block was to me being happy. He has HUGE blocks to him being happy. So in truth, it’s most likely NOT the fight that is causing this reaction (the fight is just the situation to give him an excuse to use the trigger) in him, it’s the fact that he started to get happy and he needs to sabotage it. This is all subconscious though. This is his pattern. You first came here because of this pattern, 1 year ago and NOTHING has changed. He is still the same and always will be. So if you continue to fight for him Dana, what is happening now, will happen again and again and again. This is not something YOU can fix.
What I also want to bring you back to, is that although you are crazy hurting now, it’s temporary. You felt like this before. You were confused and hurt and wanted to do everything you could to get him back. But you kept getting a little better each day. He came back, but it took some time. Most likely, the same will be true this time. Stop texting him. Stop reaching out. You need to stop chasing him and let him feel the absence of you. Then you need to start dealing with your own reaction and your triggers while you wait for him to contact you.
In understand the psyche, it’s important to know that promises don’t matter and have NO SUBSTANCE unless action is taken to support that promise. So when he promises to talk and be honest and open, it’s a bunch of crap (as you are experiencing now) because his woundedness is MUCH stronger than promise he makes. The only way for his promise to become more valid, is to get some help somehow. He doesn’t care enough about you and how this affects you, to change anything. He doesn’t care enough about himself. If his mechanism is anything like mine, he actually will revel in your chasing him. So that is one of the main reasons I am telling you to stop contacting him. You can create some closure by saying, “You are obviously in your ghosting pattern again. I’m not going to participate in this anymore. When you are ready to talk, you know how to find me.” Something like this can actually bring him closer, sooner than later. And in the meantime, I do want to encourage you to really look at your own patterns, reactions and triggers. You can be a better partner too. Also in the meantime, are you still working out? What are you doing to be kind and caring towards yourself?
Heidi
