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Hi Rhonda,
Man!!! That really sucks!!! I’m so sad they ghosted you and I’m so sad one of the job opportunities disappeared! It may be a rough month, or it can be a month where you strengthen your faith and trust in God that everything is as it needs to be. I’m not a fan of “moderate drinking” either. My guess is, alcohol could be a part of his daily life. Maybe 1-2 glasses of wine at dinner or something…who knows. It would be a yellow flag for sure and something you would have to gather more info about. But since he has disappeared, then I trust it’s probably for the best anyways. I can’t tell you how often people get ghosted online. Both men and women experience it on a daily, weekly basis. You are not alone. We know the general reasons why people ghost (too afraid to be honest and fear of hurting someone’s feelings – or they just don’t care – or they are just online playing a bunch of games). The specifics for each person vary and frankly, always make me happy to find out the kind of person they are sooner than later. I want to keep encouraging you to not take it personal. I know that is so much more easier said than done though. It’s not your fault. You are just being your bright and shiny self and that is enough! One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Suess “Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind.”
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling about letting him go? Are you struggling? Are you confused? Are you still searching for ways to catch his attention and activate romantic feelings in him? What’s your status?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I’m sorry we haven’t responded to you sooner. Sometimes, it just takes a few days for us to catch up on everyone, but every single person does get a response. Don’t give up quite yet!
I’m so sorry about what you read and I completely understand why you would be discouraged. What I firmly believe, through and through, is how we feel about ourselves, is what will impact what shows up in our lives. There are PLENTY of overweight women, in relationships. Even in the modeling and acting industry, there are overweight women who are famous and get plenty of attention. Oprah is considered overweight, yet she is one of the most powerful women in the world. She is loved and adored by millions despite her size. The point is, it’s less about your body and MORE about the energy you project and how you feel about yourself. You are loveable and worth knowing EXACTLY as you are right now! You have the most important kind of beauty that is inside of you that can be portrayed. Check out this article. Every single one of these women are beautiful! They have a look, they are projecting an attitude, they are aligned with themselves. That makes them show stoppers, doesn’t it?
https://www.buzzfeed.com/norawhelan/theres-more-than-one-plus-size-model
What I highly suggest is this movie. I LOVE this documentary! It has helped heal a lot of broken hearts and given hope to many ladies who struggle with their appearance. What is in this movie is the truth, not whatever it is that you read. Don’t you dare give up on yourself or the potential for a wonderful man to come into life you love you just as you are! You are so much more than your body!!!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have quite the situation going on.
First, let’s talk about what is really happening here. You want him back, but have you guys really talked about what caused this in the first place? Was he unhappy? Was he bored? How would you have described your marriage? Were you happy? How was your sex life together?
The thing is, trying to get him back would feel good, but it wouldn’t change how you guys function together. It would change that he could choose to keep having a secret affair. He cheated on you, he is basically cheating on his current girlfriend, unless she knows that you guys are still meeting up. You may not be physically intimate, but you are emotionally connecting. Truth is, he hasn’t really had to face the consequences of his choice to leave. He gets to have his girlfriend AND his ex wife connecting into him. That, in and of itself, tells me that even if he did come back to you, he most likely will still secretly go see his girlfriend. What is happening here? Who is this guy? Share a little more detail about this, because I’m not really seeing why he would have any motivation to change anything at this point. He is getting ALL of his needs met between the both of you.
Heidi
Oh wow…it’s really easy to bring your dog into Paris. For the U.S. I think it just depends on where the dog comes from. I’m not too familiar with it. The family that had my dog before are the ones that had to deal with it and she said it was a pain in the ass. Fairy eh??? I LOVE it!!! Why that name???
Well, if you had to find something wrong with him, you picked something good…lol. At least he has a sister that can help him out.
And I think you should find a name for him that you can call him too. It cracks me up that he admitted to calling you that partly to just get under your skin a bit. He sounds fun!
How long before his house is ready? How long is the drive?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
This is great! Glad you are working on staying cool headed.
Why not let him stay and talk? It’s a good time to start rebuilding your friendship. There are a few different things you can talk about. You can just talk about things you are learning about yourself, things you are noticing in your life around you. Are there any new opinions you have? What do you guys normally talk about? I imagine you have quite the friendship after 18 years. I imagine you guys have talked about a lot of different things, so just tap back into that friendship you have built over the years and connect. Keep it light, keep it easy and keep it cozy. You want to remind him how good he can feel when he is around you. Maybe there are some fun videos or articles you came across and you share that with him.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I know you are deeply hurting. It hurts so terribly to be ignored like this.
Dana, in all of your pain, it is soooo important that you be kind to yourself. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is not doing this because of the argument you had. He is doing this because it is part of what he does to sabotage. Many people have this coping mechanism, both men and women. It comes from some very deep woundedness that most likely happened while growing up. I know that is where it lived in me. The thing is, you cannot fix this for him. You cannot help him heal. This is one of those things that he has to face. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make him face whatever it is that he is carrying. He is not ready and who knows if he ever will be. It’s exactly like that saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
Yes the fight was stupid and you both behaved in inconsiderate ways, but he is triggered into this reaction because his coffee cup is so dam full. Any tiny little bump and his coping mechanism is triggered (the analogy is from the article I attached in the previous post). It is NOT your fault that his coffee cup is sooooo full. This situation is showing you that he really is not set up to be happy long term. The closer you guys get and the happier you become, he is someone who is going to sabotage more and more. My coach taught me this many years ago and it’s still very true to this day “The number one reason people don’t get better, is because they start to get better and their system is not set up to receive it.” It’s a strange thing really, but people’s emotional system has to be set up to be happy. I’ve seen this in myself as well as others, over and over again. Things are going GREAT! I am getting what I want and need. I’m happy. Then BAM! I sabotage to bring down my happy factor. So I gotta fight to clear whatever that block was to me being happy. He has HUGE blocks to him being happy. So in truth, it’s most likely NOT the fight that is causing this reaction (the fight is just the situation to give him an excuse to use the trigger) in him, it’s the fact that he started to get happy and he needs to sabotage it. This is all subconscious though. This is his pattern. You first came here because of this pattern, 1 year ago and NOTHING has changed. He is still the same and always will be. So if you continue to fight for him Dana, what is happening now, will happen again and again and again. This is not something YOU can fix.
What I also want to bring you back to, is that although you are crazy hurting now, it’s temporary. You felt like this before. You were confused and hurt and wanted to do everything you could to get him back. But you kept getting a little better each day. He came back, but it took some time. Most likely, the same will be true this time. Stop texting him. Stop reaching out. You need to stop chasing him and let him feel the absence of you. Then you need to start dealing with your own reaction and your triggers while you wait for him to contact you.
In understand the psyche, it’s important to know that promises don’t matter and have NO SUBSTANCE unless action is taken to support that promise. So when he promises to talk and be honest and open, it’s a bunch of crap (as you are experiencing now) because his woundedness is MUCH stronger than promise he makes. The only way for his promise to become more valid, is to get some help somehow. He doesn’t care enough about you and how this affects you, to change anything. He doesn’t care enough about himself. If his mechanism is anything like mine, he actually will revel in your chasing him. So that is one of the main reasons I am telling you to stop contacting him. You can create some closure by saying, “You are obviously in your ghosting pattern again. I’m not going to participate in this anymore. When you are ready to talk, you know how to find me.” Something like this can actually bring him closer, sooner than later. And in the meantime, I do want to encourage you to really look at your own patterns, reactions and triggers. You can be a better partner too. Also in the meantime, are you still working out? What are you doing to be kind and caring towards yourself?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
Man…my heart just sank. I am soooo so sorry! This is awful isn’t it?
It looks like he is heading back into his old pattern of disconnecting. He may not be completely ghosting, but he is now being emotionally unavailable. What he is doing is VERY passive aggressive. He is basically punishing you. Passive aggressive behavior is full of a TON of child, wounded energy. He is like a little kid, throwing a tantrum. He is blaming you for how he is feeling and then punishing you for it. If his adult energy were in charge, he would talk to about what isn’t working for him (in the moment) and just simply ask for a different way to do things. He would be able to forgive and release and move on. Remember how you were so upset that he ate, even though you said you were gonna cook? Remember how upset you were and you couldn’t change it? Then you mentioned how he was eating the celery? That was you in your child energy, taking over your adult energy. If you were in more of an adult energy at that time, you would have stated what you needed from him, accepted he made a different choice and then let it go. Instead it festered in you. He is doing the same thing, but on a bigger scale.
This is not your fault. Relationships are going to have hiccups and challenges. Healthy, solid relationships work through those challenges. Thing is, you have attached yourself to a runner. So that means when things get difficult enough, he is going to disconnect. That is just who he is and that will never change, unless he does some deeper work to heal that. I am a runner too. I know all about it! I could disconnect so fast and the poor guy would never know what the heck just happened. It took A LOT of work to heal that part of myself. I still have that instant instinct to run when things get tough, BUT my adult energy is strong enough now that I can put myself in a holding pattern until I talk to my friends, my coach and whomever else I need to, to get me back centered again and making decisions from a space of clarity vs. woundedness. He is making his decisions based on his woundedness and lack of safety he feels (inside of himself). All of that existed BEFORE you ever came along, so it’s not your fault he responds this way. You DID NOT mess this up!!! Here is an article that may help bring some clarity for you….
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Penny,
Gosh…I am soooo so sorry for all the confusion and hurt. It’s awful and painful. He is making some very hurtful choices.
The thing is, you are wanting him to do for you, what you are not doing for yourself. You want to yell at him “You are hurting me! WTF is wrong with you!” Let me spin that a bit. Would you say that you are hurting yourself by choosing to stay connected to a guy who is so hurtful? Would you say you are being loving to yourself by loving him more than yourself?
When you ask, how do I give up on someone I care so much about…the answer is, you care for yourself MORE. Imagine you are walking up to a big pit full of snakes. What you are doing by staying connected to him, is jumping right in and allowing yourself to get bit over and over and over again. You get out, but then you convince yourself that in that snake pit, is love. And not to say there isn’t love in there, but WITH that love, comes all the snake bites. There is no way around it. There is a wounded part of you, that is connecting love with pain and hurt and rejection. If you TRULY loved yourself in a BIG way (not a little way) you would not jump into that snake pit knowing the amount of pain you are about to go through.
Now…that’s obviously easier said than done. If it were really that simple, it would be easier to let go, but we have that heart connection, that especially for women, is so extremely difficult to let go of. I wish there were an easy way around this. Bottom line is, you have to be in enough pain, to finally make some different decisions. That means disconnecting completely and not seeing him until your heart is healed and not connected to him anymore. That means blocking him on every social media platform if that is what you need to do. And you step right into the pain of the loss you feel. You gotta go through it, if you are ever going to heal. So your choices are to face the pain of the loss, or face the pain of the snake pit. The hardest part about the snake pit, is there is no end to it. At least by saying goodbye to the snake pit, there is an ending to that type of pain. There is now the potential for a new creation and experience of love that will open for you at some point. But either way, it hurts. You just have to decide what you are willing to fight for….him, or yourself?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Such great questions!!!!
Let’s see if I can give you some ideas. Let’s look at what you are willing to do right now. Reality is, you are not willing to leave this relationship, regardless of how stressful it is for you. Part of it is him and part of it is you. Again, you can change yourself, as much as you want and it will help the relationship some. If he doesn’t change though, the relationship will ALWAYS be stressful. And I’m not talking simple behavioral change. I’m talking deeper change from wherever his woundedness lives. For example, he says to you “he doesn’t know how to stop himself from being that way” that is victim mentality. Truth is, it’s just not a priority. He is not in enough pain to do the work to find out. There are solutions out there, but he isn’t searching for them. Whenever someone tells me something like that, my response is always, well then go find out. Every person I have ever met, has had to learn something through a job, school or whatever, in order to survive. How did he ever learn to be in a band? HE SOUGHT OUT INFORMATION. YOU….are here, seeking information, more understanding, learning different viewpoints. He is just not that guy when it comes to his emotional health. At least not at this point. So you need to make decisions based on who he is TODAY, not who he could be someday. He is sooooo spot on when he tells you “this is who I am.” How many times does he have to say that to you??? THIS IS WHO HE IS!!!! Let him be that. He is hot and cold and hurtful. He is inconsiderate many times. He is financially irresponsible. He is romantic. He is attentive. He is connective. He listens to you. The thing is with ALL of this is, it’s a HUGE swing from one side to the other vs. being a small swing. As long as you are connected to him, this is how it will be. Regardless of your successes in life and how you feel about yourself, you also have other parts of you that would be attracted to a very stressful relationship.
So again, your choices are just 2: 1. stay and keep working on yourself. Forget about him and needing him to change. Keep working on yourself and your reactions, your need to control and the anxiety that shows up. This choice is A LOT of work. You will keep getting triggered over and over and over again with no end in sight. Just as you start to feel like you are gaining ground again, you will get triggered, so there is no real rest. 2. You decide that is not how you want to live your life. You break up and work on healing your heart. You work on getting to know those parts of you that attracted a very stressful relationship and you heal those parts. This is VERY hard as well, but this at least has some closure and doesn’t leave the door open for more triggering. It allows you the space and time to do true, deep healing work and to rest.
Either choice is very hard Melissa. There is no way to avoid that. What isn’t fair to either of you, is to hold on, hoping that he will change. He deserves to be loved for EXACTLY who he is in this moment and he keeps trying to tell you that, but you aren’t listening.
To answer the question about “what are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do yourself?” Here is the path I was trying to take you down. You want him to listen to you. You want him to care for you. You want him to be more responsible with money. You want to feel trust and emotional safety with him. Now…looking at that list, would you say you are all of those things for yourself? Do you actually listen to yourself? Are you loving and caring for yourself when you are hurting? Do you trust yourself?
Instead of you nurturing yourself, caring and loving yourself when he goes cold and rejects you, you come to him, with all your hurt in your hands and you hold your hands out to him, for him to fix. You need him to say he is sorry. You need him to care that he disconnects. You need him to help you feel better. So that is an example of how you are holding your heart out to him to fix, because you are not willing to do it yourself. There is a way to forgive and heal and find your center again, WITHOUT him. That being said, reality is, it will ALWAYS be a trigger, because it’s supposed to be. It’s no different than a hot stove. If you touch it, it’s going to hurt, no matter how many times you touch it. It will just ALWAYS hurt, because it’s supposed to! The nerves in your finger are meant to PROTECT you by sending messages to your brain to create pain….DANGER is what those nerves are telling you. So you are SUPPOSED to hurt when your lover rejects you and goes cold. If it didn’t, I would wonder what is going on for you. So it’s more about looking at “why do I keep choosing to stick my finger on the hot stove vs. how do I not hurt by putting my finger on the stove?” Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I understand your fear and anxiety about how everything is going. Give it a little more time. This is the hardest part. If he said he doesn’t want to repeat the pattern you guys go through all the time, which is challenging communication, then this is something REALLY important for you to grasp onto, if you are ever going to get him back. He is wanting something different. He may need to go out and date just to feel himself with other women. It’s okay! Somethings this can be the very best thing that happens. Who knows what will happen, but what is most important is that you begin to shift how you communicate and deal with your “freak out” in a healthier way. This is the perfect time to do that! And to show him you are willing to shift and become a better partner.
This is going to take some time. Let’s work through how you can handle this in a healthy way. What EXACTLY is your “freak out” about? It’s insecurity, but what EXACTLY are you feeling insecure about?
For now, give him space. DO NOT text him. Let him feel what his life is like without you in it. Any texting you initiate right now, he will know you are doing, because you want him back. He may just be holding really strong right now, so let him. Let him feel what it’s like for you not to chase him. And this will give you some time to look at what is coming up for you emotionally and start to face it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
That was a PERFECT article for what we talked about with bossy lady. I LOVE that analogy as well! It’s such a great way to portray the concept!
I do still want to caution you on your beliefs about JB…or anyone online. Remember that it’s actions AND words that help you know how aligned someone is. You want to see and experience that what someone says, is also supported by their actions and vice versa…otherwise neither words nor actions have much meaning. With anyone online, all you have are words, no action. So instead of deciding whether or not you need to believe someone is true to their words or not, how about you just don’t decide to believe or not believe. You just don’t have enough information. You only have a partial picture of who they are, through the exchange of words and that is not enough to determine anything about someone. Heck, even in person many people have a hard time aligning their actions with their words.
I understand your need to have attention and be liked. I functioned from the same exact beliefs, I just went about getting my needs met in a different way than you did. I was someone that a lot of girls wanted to be like and at the same time, I too wanted to be like other girls who were more popular and seemed to have a magnetism and seemed so much more comfortable in themselves than I felt. I’d be curious if I talked to those girls today, what they would say about that 🙂
Romance is such an interesting category, isn’t it? It triggers so many things in a way that only romance can trigger. However, your need for attention is still coming from the same source that fueled you in high school to want to be seen and liked by people. Again, you are wanting the guy to give you attention, even just for a moment, to help you feel valuable, seen and desirable. Do you think you would feel these things about yourself without a man telling you or giving you attention??
I LOVE that you had a silly conversation. It’s soooo possible and I have come across plenty of silly guys. It’s so great! I love that you get to feel a very different side to yourself with this new guy. BTW….I totally started busting up when you talked about you and your little guy in the car. It was sooooo great!!!! I love it!!! I use experiences like that, to help me set standards as to how I want to feel with my guy. Your kids are great role models of what it feels like to get to be yourself around another person and be loved and accepted.
I also love how in your group, you recognized the space that one guy was in and how it was reflective of where you used to be. I LOVE moments like that, because it helps reflect back to me how much I have grown. You have come a long way!
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
So good to hear your updates! You are asking some great questions.
Yes, part of your increased need to control is because of the kind of person he is. You have a certain way you live your life and present yourself. He is different. He is okay needing to borrow money and living paycheck to paycheck. He is okay sleeping in and not showing up to work. He is okay taking a week off of work to go play in his band somewhere. This kind of life is comfortable for him, but it’s not for you. In order for you to feel balanced and happy, you have certain standards and he doesn’t match those standards…therefore your stress levels increase and your need to control increases.
However, with all of that being said, it still ultimately comes down to you. Reality is, even if you controlled less, there are certain ways you really enjoy living your life. It feels good for you to show up to work on time and be dependable. Anyone who lives their life otherwise, is always going to be challenging for you, not matter how healthy you get. Remember that being healthy is not about not getting triggered into control, it’s more about making choices that align with the ways you like to live. It’s okay that you live your life the way you do. When things get more stressful, you control more. That will ALWAYS happen. That is one of your coping skills. How often you visit that place of over controlling is what you can actually change. Part of that is working on healing what is in you, your fears and insecurities and the other part is looking at what you are choosing. So reality is, you are choosing a guy who is always going to trigger an increased need to control just because of who he is. That part will not change. But you can change yourself and working on your insecurities. So the question to ask yourself, is “what are you wanting HIM to do for you, that you are not willing to do yourself?”
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome!
First, how did you guys communicate? Through talking on the phone, through texting, through video chat?
How come you guys only saw each other 2x in 3 months?
I’m wondering if something happened that made him disconnect so quickly. Was there anything in your conversations that you noticed would make him feel uncomfortable? Are you sure he isn’t already in a relationship?
Do you know anyone who knows him? If yes, is there a way to find out what he is doing, through them? I’m sure you have checked social media already. Is he still active on it? You know he isn’t in a hospital somewhere, right?
I”m trying to see if there is a way to gather more information about him first, before figuring out what you need to do. It’s been about a week since you guys talked, correct?
Heidi
Hi M,
I would make it goal to wait 30 days before texting him the hero instinct. I know that feels like a long time. Part of why I suggest that is it gives YOU time as well, to sort through what you really want. What’s important, more than anything, is that he fights for you. You are correct in wanting him to reach out to you and initiate. Giving him 30 days is a good amount of time for him to miss you and initiate something. You have already made your efforts and showed him you are willing to connect, so now it’s his turn. If he doesn’t reach out, then it’s important for you to make a decision as to whether you want to continue fighting for a guy who isn’t putting any effort into re-connecting with you. It doesn’t mean it’s completely over forever. I’ve seen people get back together after 6 months, after 2 years etc. But it will mean you need to decide to either keep staying in contact every once in awhile or let the idea of him go and move on with your life.
I’m glad you are taking this as a learning experience. Every person that interacts with us, has something to teach us. Those guys who were controlling were teaching you as well. It’s hard to know the depths of someone in a few dates, but there are A LOT of ways to get a pretty clear picture about how someone functions, very early on. There are specific questions you can ask, there are small nuances you can notice, like the kinds of words they use when they talk, how they treat other people (i.e. servers in a restaurant), using your intuition to pick up on energies that you notice. Most of all though, the BEST way to see behind the veil of how someone presents themselves in the beginning, is to know yourself deeper and deeper. We are all fundamentally the same. By knowing yourself, you also know someone else. But it’s more about deep diving in the subconscious. The subconscious is what influences somewhere around 80% of how we act and what we decide in our lives. It does have a language. When you learn the language in yourself, you can instantly see it in others. For example, when I am balanced and feeling normal, I’m a super easy going driver. When my stress levels start to rise, I’m still an easy going driver, but I will get easily irritated and I will cuss. The moment I start to cuss, that is a sign from my subconscious that my stress levels are elevated and need to check in with myself. So when someone is a controlling person, there are all kinds of signs they carry that will let you know that pretty quickly. Learning how to read people takes practice, but again the best way to learn is on yourself. Start to pay attention to the words you use, your patterns, the people you are surrounded by, the people you dislike, the people you really enjoy….those are ALL expressions of your subconscious. Does this make sense?
You might also want to read the section about developing your feminine intuition. It’s fantastic and am important skill to develop.
Heidi
