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Hi Sharon!
I totally understand that you want to hold onto him. What I am suggesting does not mean it has to be over for good. When you work on healing your heart, you actually gain more clarity and get more centered, which in the long run, makes your heart much more available for him in the future. It’s about fighting for yourself to heal your heart, just as much, if not more-so, than your desire to get him back. Healing your heart is a good top priority to have!
So instead of living in the suffering about not having him at the moment, you instead remind yourself that even though it’s over for right now, you are okay. The suffering caused from the loss of him, can heal. The sooner you can get to that place of feeling grounded and centered in yourself and feeling good about your life, the more healthy you will be to enter back into relationship with him. So keep working through those emotions you are feeling. I’m really glad to hear that you are feeling better the past few days. It’s not easy what you are dealing with! Let us know how those techniques work for you. There are other ones we can suggest.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Hopefully you looked up the Gottman website and discovered he has a handful of books available. I love all of them. Helen Fisher also has some great books and tons of info based on her scientific research. Those are the 2 places I would start, but of course there are a ton more recommendations we could offer, between me and Kanya. If those don’t resonate for you, then let us know and we can keep giving you some ideas.
It sounds like you are very clear about what you want at this moment. If you are clear that you don’t want to see him while he is still seeing her, what is stopping you from just saying that? You can say something like, “I love you and I want you back, but not like this. It seems as though you are not willing to let her go and I will respect that, but I will not longer participate in the design we have created now. It’s not okay for me. That means I am no longer willing to meet with you.”
What I think it important to also get more clear about, is what do you want from him? If he does decide to come back, then what? What do you want from him? Do you want him to behave differently? Do you want him to communicate differently? You want to have a better marriage, so how do you do that? You can read books all you want, but there needs to be plan that you BOTH decide to put into ACTION in order to reach what you both want. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m so glad you really connected to making your apartment feel like home, even though it’s temporary. It really will feel amazing for you. It’s your home RIGHT NOW, and that is the only moment we truly have to deal with. Living in the moment, instead of what will be at some point, is much more powerful and fulfilling. What are some things you are going to do to make it feel more like your home??
Let’s talk about this statement you made: “IF I didn’t need anyone else in my life, then what’s the point of building a relationship at all?”
What it is sounding like, is that you don’t feel like you can fully and completely be happy if you don’t have “your man” in your life. Is that what it feels like for you? There are pros and cons to both being single AND in relationship. This hole that you feel, is something that is important for you to fill on your own first, so that you don’t let your man fill it for you. If there is a hole, you then need him to “complete” you and help you feel like a whole person. Instead, imagine feeling complete and whole and happy and not needing anything more than what you already have in your life. You are all filled up. THEN you meet him. First, you will be living at a much higher vibration of happiness and will attract a higher vibration man. Second, he will ADD TO your life, not complete your life, which makes for a much healthier love. Feeling love is the easy part, but far from enough to have a successful relationship. You want more than just love and connection. You want to relate to each other in a healthy way to support that love. If he is “completing” you and filling that hole, and he agrees to function in that way, that’s a love that is going to be filled with a lot of drama. Make sense? For example, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my life. Of course I have my moments. I can feel I am ready to attract my guy into my life, however I do not “need” him. I know that him coming into my life, will bring a lot of new challenges that only love can bring. I will get to feel an amazingly powerful love and I will get triggered in ways that I don’t get triggered in my very nice, peaceful life. So will my life be better if once I meet him? No, not really. My life is pretty great right now and I am so filled up. My life will just be different and I will get to feel all sorts of different things that I don’t feel while being single. But then again, being single, I get to feel and do all sorts of things I won’t, by being in a relationship. Neither is better than the other…they are just different experiences. I’m happy either way and that is my job. I will not wait for a man to feel my full and complete happiness that is my divine right to feel at all moments. I will not wait for a man to feel complete in myself. That is all of our jobs if we truly want to feel that happiness that is sustainable and deep. Does this make sense? Thoughts?It’s a bummer your apartment doesn’t allow dogs. I’m the same as you. I would rather honor the guidelines than to break them. Being in your integrity is important!
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
I understand the roller coaster ride of good days and then days full of crying. It’s pretty normal. On the days you are crying, what are you doing to help yourself heal those emotions?
As far as him dating/talking to someone new as he claims he wants to work on himself, he actually IS working on himself. If one of his challenges/thoughts is that he hasn’t experienced enough before settling down with you, then going out and having more experiences is important for him. Also, he may be being influenced by his friends as well. A typical guy solution to a breakup is to head out to a bar and flirt with other ladies in hopes to have sex. Guys are just different, that’s all. Sometimes that is EXACTLY what they need to do, to learn about themselves. Many times, we learn by doing things that make us feel horrible. lol. It’s not much fun, but it’s an effective way to discover what doesn’t work, which leads us into knowing better what does work. What I’m basically trying to convey is he is working on himself, in HIS way. He is learning who he is, what he likes, doesn’t like, what works and doesn’t work for him, without you in the picture. He is creating his own identity separate than you. At the age where you guys are, it’s actually a very important step for development. I know it looks VERY different than how you are handling your time alone, so I want to encourage you to trust his process, even if you don’t understand nor agree with it. The story you are creating about what he is doing, I imagine is causing a lot of hurt and partly why you are crying. What if you switched the story to saying, “I trust his process. He is doing what he needs to do, in order to learn about himself. No matter what happens between us, I will be okay. I am resilient, I am strong and I will heal.”
He probably is still checking your social media, because he is still connected to you. It’s a way people can still see how you are doing and how you are living your life, without having to talk to you. It’s just him still caring about you and wanting to know what you are up to. Maybe he is checking to see if you are dating other guys, he may be checking to see who you are hanging out with, he may be checking to see if you are still living your life or depressed and not posting anything at all. It’s a way to kind of gauge how you are doing. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jess,
Did you post in a different category? Did we miss it??
It sounds like he is still very interested. I’m wondering what is going on with you guys, that you needed a break. What do you need to have happen, in order to get back together? What are you confused about? What is missing in your relationship that you needed a break?
I imagine neither of you wants to head back into old patterns, whatever they are, so the most important thing, is to figure out how to correct those patterns and create a new way to relate to each other. If you want to share more, we are happy to offer some ideas.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I’m glad you have a deeper understanding about what you are dealing with and a better perspective. There really are not right or wrong decisions here. It’s more about which path you want to take. Each path is full of all kinds of wonderful things that will show up for you, both through pain and pleasure. Each path is so different. So…no matter the path you choose, there are lessons for you to learn. It’s just about deciding which lessons you want to take on. Staying with him, you will get to practice your relationship with rejection, unpredictability, more drama AND a lot of pleasure too. You feel at home with him, which is just a beautiful and very healing feeling. Separating from him, you will open the door to many other experiences that will help you become the kind of person you are seeking. The path you take, is just that…no right or wrong.
Heidi
Hi Dana,
That is so crazy that you woke up with a black eye! You must have had a really restless sleep! Wow…that must have been shocking to wake up to. I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. I know the level of pain you are feeling and how awful it is. There isn’t a single moment during the day where you don’t feel it. It’s truly awful. You are going to make it through this Dana.
I’d like to encourage you to work with your thoughts more. You have a very specific story about all that is happening. Those thoughts are what is causing the suffering. Those thoughts are what is activating all of your emotions. You want to get married and have kids. Aren’t you glad you are finding this out about him now and not after being married and being left with children?? You are being rescued from a very, very difficult life and marriage had you chosen him as your partner. Your dream was not based in the reality of the kind of person he is. He doesn’t have the ability to create something like that. He never did. However, it does not mean it isn’t in the cards for you Dana. Marriage and children can absolutely still be possible for you! I’d hate to see you allow your thoughts and this story you are creating, to steal your joy.
All those things you are doing (movies, exercise, flowers etc.) ARE HELPING! Don’t stop! They do have value for you Dana. They are not meant to “heal” but they are meant to help you keep your head above water. Your soul bank is pretty empty right now, so every time you watch a positive movie, exercise, buy flowers, go for walk with Cass, you are putting money in that soul bank.
Here are some other techniques that can give you a bigger deposit.
1. Get some balloons. When you are having a hard time, blow up a balloon and imagine that with each breath you use to blow up the balloon, you are letting those emotions leave your body and enter into the balloon. Once the balloon is full, hold the end tightly closed, take a pin and then pop it. Hold the intention to allow all of that energy in the balloon to be released the moment you pop it.
2. Get some paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write a sentence about how you feel. On the right side, write the sentence “I choose to forgive you.” For example, on the left side: I am so hurt that you just left me like that with no warning. On the right side: I choose to forgive you. Keep doing that with ALL of your thoughts. Over and over and over again.
3. Draw a picture of him (I usually just draw a stick figure and put their name on it) and lay it on a pillow. Then allow yourself to say to him whatever you need to say. I have a tennis racket I use and I beat the pillow while saying how angry and hurt I am.
Dana, you do have a choice here. The amount of suffering you are dealing with is because of the story and thoughts you keep repeating over and over and over again. You can choose a different story. You can say “He is so hurtful and such a jerk AND I will be okay.” “I am so relieved that I found out who he is now and not after being married with children!” “He is such a freakin’ jerk and so terribly mean and insensitive. I am healing my broken heart. I will not allow him to steal my joy in life.” “He probably doesn’t even care or is sad about not being with me. He probably doesn’t even miss me, but you know what??? That’s okay. I am worth loving. I am worth fighting for. I am loveable and he is missing out.” If you want this suffering to end, you need to decide you want to heal. You need to decide you will forgive him. You need to decide you will release the anger you have towards him. This is how you will start to feel better.
Are you willing?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I’m so terribly sorry about losing your cousin. Death has to be one of the most challenging aspects of life. It can activate such powerlessness and absolutely makes you think about your own life and those around you. How are you doing? Were you close? Was it a surprise or expected at some point, because of a disease?
I was wondering how you were going to handle my last post. I know I was a bit more blunt or harsh about it. My efforts / intention was to try to get you off the “middle of the road” syndrome. You are not happy with him and you don’t want to be without him. So that puts you right smack dab in the middle, not making any decisions, sitting with 1 foot in and 1 foot out. Whenever we sit in the middle zone, not making any decisions, an effective thing to do is to just make a decision by jumping out of the middle zone. Once we decide, we get A LOT more information we need, in order to choose we either want to stay on the side we jumped into, or get out and jump back to the other side.
I’m glad he is being really wonderful right now. It is so darn helpful and comforting during this time for you. He is pretty wonderful when things are good. I’m so happy he is supporting you and taking care of you right now the best he can. I like that you are just going to enjoy that right now and embrace it and let all of it in. Your heart needs some nourishment.Heidi
Hi Sharon,
Breakups and the loss of love hurt so much. What is making this even more difficult, is you really have no closure as to why this happened the way it did. Like you said, you are still in shock.
One of the things that is causing so much suffering are the stories you are telling yourself about all of this. The brain does that in efforts to create some kind of closure. The thing is, you don’t have enough information to do that, so you end up having looping thoughts over and over and over again and you keep suffering. I’d like to encourage you to create closure for yourself. Anytime you find yourself thinking about what happened and why, stop the story by just saying, “It’s over. I’m okay. I am resilient. I am healing.” Repeat that over and over and over again. When you start to think about how much you miss his affection and love, say that sentence. The healing process will take a REALLY LONG time if you keep allowing yourself to indulge in what you don’t have anymore, how much you miss him and what went wrong. This is now about you controlling your thoughts that are feeding the emotions of suffering. Here are 2 really good exercises you can start to do.
1. Get some balloons. When you are having a hard time, blow up a balloon and imagine that with each breath you use to blow up the balloon, you are letting those emotions leave your body and enter into the balloon. Once the balloon is full, hold the end tightly closed, take a pin and then pop it. Hold the intention to allow all of that energy in the balloon to be released the moment you pop it.
2. Get some paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write a sentence about how you feel. On the right side, write the sentence “I choose to forgive you.” For example, on the left side: I am so hurt that you just left me like that with no warning. On the right side: I choose to forgive you. Keep doing that with ALL of your thoughts. Over and over and over again.
Doing techniques like this can help the big emotional rollercoaster ride get a lot smaller. You will start to notice the emotional swings are less and less and you will start to heal.
Hang in there Sharon. Your heart is healing every single day, little bits at a time.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. It is so incredibly difficult to watch someone you love, slip through your fingers. It’s a very powerless feeling, especially when nothing really happened to cause the breakup. It’s not about you, it’s about his fear.
He definitely still cares for you. He is just split. Imagine he has 2 parts of himself…his adult and his child. His child is the one who carries all the fear. His adult is the one who loves you. Right now, his child is in the driver’s seat. His fear is SO BIG and there is a reason for that. Something happened in his life to make him so afraid of love and being vulnerable. Whatever happened and hurt it caused, never has been resolved. Most likely, it happened in his childhood and most likely it happened many times over to make his fear so big. Everything he has said to you, is a lot of low self esteem talk that has lived inside of him all his life. That talk is SO darn loud and powerful. It is what fuels the power of his little boy being in the driver’s seat. His adult will reach out and want to connect, but then the little boy will knock him to the back seat again pretty quickly. This is what happens when you come across someone who is split…meaning they have 2 parts of themselves battling against each other.
What is so incredibly hard about this, is the most you can ever do are 2 things: try to support them through it or disconnect completely. Supporting them through it, takes an incredible amount of work. It means knowing that they are unpredictable, it means knowing they are going to hurt you whenever the child part of them gets into the driver’s seat, it means not knowing if it will ever end…which is highly likely. The way to resolve the split is by connecting to the emotional wounds you carry and healing those parts of yourself. Otherwise, nothing much changes. If you disconnect completely, sometimes it puts them in enough pain that it makes them fight for more in their life. The fear of losing you becomes greater than the fear of being with you. That typically doesn’t last long. As soon as you reconnect with him, old patterns will show back up again unless he does some healing work. I’m hoping this will help you understand a little more about what is happening for him. This is not about you, it’s about what he carries inside of him, before you ever came along.
With that being said, a relationship with this guy is going to be very hard and full of a lot of drama. He has a lot of low self esteem that is running the show and that is something you cannot fix for him. You can love him all you want, but it soon will be a full time job. That hard part is, things are super wonderful as well and that just feels amazing. I know a connection like that doesn’t come along often and I completely understand why you would want to fight for him.
It’s just going to take time. For now, I think it’s a good idea to keep your distance and keep allowing him to initiate contact more often than you. Keep it light, keep it friendly and keep it fun. It will remind him of how much fun you are for him. I would suggest to stay away from talking about the relationship. The moment he feels pressure (even when there isn’t any) he will run. He has a very sacred little boy in the driver’s seat right now. So focus on creating the friendship. Send funny videos, keep teaching him about you and things you are learning in your life and basically, be the adult and keep things calm. This will help him feel more and more safe with you over time to open back up. I have no idea how long it will take, but you will need some patience.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
Keep venting! Come here blabber on for 2 more paragraphs! It’s all good. It doesn’t have to be positive. When you write and vent, it gets the energy out and keeps it moving vs. staying stuck inside. This is a safe place to do all of that…it’s what we are here for.
There is NOTHING you have done wrong here. His reactions and how he is handling this, is about what he carries inside of him. You keep trying to make sense of what is happening through logic and that will NEVER work. What is happening is NOT logical, it’s psychological. It’s not about the events that happened or his perception of your controlling behavior. That is just the cover story, but nowhere near the truth about what is causing his ghosting.
Look, we are all far from perfect. We all do controlling things, messy things, we all have low self esteem and that means…WE ALL MESS UP! We will all do things that will cause hurt, we all get triggered. It is inevitable. So let’s say you were controlling. So what! It’s just one of the issues that you need to work on. AND YOU ARE and that is all that can be asked from you!!! That Dana, is what is more important than anything. Working on your own issues is what will make a relationship work long term. Not working on them (like your guy) is what will break the relationship. That truly is the bottom line here. The details about whether or not you were controlling, the details about the fight, the details about what was said…NONE OF THAT MATTERS! What matters is what you do with your reaction. He is so fragile. He is not able to handle being authentic, being honest, being vulnerable, taking responsibility for himself. So basically, anything you do can set him off. The problem is not that you set him off (from his perspective), the problem is that he is fragile and can’t handle it. He is not set up to be happy. He is not set up to handle being triggered in a healthy way. He is not set up to be able to have a healthy relationship, even in the worst moments.
Now, let’s talk about you. You have a lot of anger. Let’s work you through all of that. Just as his reaction of ghosting is about what he carries inside of him, your reaction is about what you carry inside of you. If you are willing, I’d love to hear more about it. Instead of speaking from the place of what he did to you, talk from the place about how it feels. You have repeated several times now, “it’s not fair.” I’d like to hear more about that as well.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I love your attitude about your job. You are putting the feelers out there, you are communicating, you are making yourself known and available. I have no doubt, there will be something that will plop right into your lap just when the timing is right. I will definitely listen to that some later on today!
As far as your reaction about Peter, you are SPOT ON! Well done! This guy is not really interested in relationship. He is more interested in someone fitting into his “box” and filling the hole that he feels. You guys haven’t even met in person yet and he wants to talk about what a relationship should be like??? Run the other way! Listen to yourself and trust what your intuition is telling you!
I wish for a spectacular weekend to come your way! I am dog sitting a couple of higher energy dogs, so I plan on heading out on a hike with them and connecting with our beautiful mother earth! Love it!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
Let’s start with re-defining the word attractive. Haven’t you ever come across a really attractive person, but they are ugly on the inside and therefore they are less attractive? Or people who are not so attractive who are so darn beautiful on the inside and then their outside becomes more beautiful? I always love to reference Oprah or Queen Latifah. They both are considered overweight women, but man are they powerful! They can walk into a room and instantly get noticed. Yes, they are famous now, but truth is, they had to carry that energy to even get noticed in the first place. I would suggest watching the movie “Last Holiday.” I think it perfectly displays this concept. Queen Latifah starts out as one personality and then shifts into her power and completely changes everything, including how she looks. It’s kind of a silly/dumb movie, but it’s sweet and really sends a good message. Here is the trailer:
https://binged.it/2R4yp1aOnline dating is tough for anyone, fat or skinny, attractive or not attractive. I can’t even begin to name the hundreds of people, of varying race and size etc. that get ghosted, that get rejected, that get played, that get lied to, that get abandoned, that don’t get attention. Online dating does not discriminate against anyone. ALL TYPES have trouble AND all types have also found success. Personally for me, I go online once every few years, for about 1 or 2 months and then I just can’t stand it anymore. With as much as I know and understand about myself, online dating and love/relationships…I even struggle. So I just do it for a little bit, with a very specific intention and then I let it go when I start to feel I lose my balance and my low self esteem is getting triggered.
So let’s talk about how you view yourself. Here is just 1 question to start with. Would you want to date you? Would you want to be in love with you?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Of course it’s hard on you. You guys have a loooong history together. I’m glad you are getting angry at him. Since you never used to get angry at him, I am wondering if maybe you pushed a lot of feelings down and now the flood gates are opening. Thoughts on that?
What needs to happen is clarity for you. You have a lot of feelings happening for you right, and for good reason. Would you be willing to work with a therapist?
The thing is, you want to improve communication and you want a better marriage, but HOW do you want to go about creating that? If he comes back, what ACTIONS and PLAN are you both going to commit to so you can create a happier marriage? This is where you both will need some extra help and guidance. Having healthy communication is a skill. Having a healthy relationship is also a skill. You both will need to get some guidance and deepen your understanding of how to create what you want. So is finding a therapist something you are willing to do and do you think he would be willing as well? I love the Gottman institute. There methods are spectacular for helping couples heal. Go to http://www.gottman.com and there are a TON of articles, workshops, books and “find a therapist” that has been trained by their methods. Maybe that is a place you can start.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
I find it interesting that you are thinking about disconnecting from him completely. If that is what will help you let go of him, then it’s a good idea. Sometimes, when you disconnect completely, the heart can really close the door and heal and move on. Sometimes staying connected, even through just Instagram, can hurt the heart over and over and over again, each time he responds or doesn’t respond or each time he posts a picture of his own life.
At the same time, staying connected on Instagram, keeps some level of connection going. If that feels okay for you, then I would suggest to keep it going. It has the potential to grow into something more at some point and even start up conversations.
So it’s really up to you and how you feel about it. I thought he was a friend for you, but maybe you don’t feel that way anymore.
Heidi
