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Hi Rhonda,
I still want to encourage you to create closure with Peter. A week is not too long. I know it feels like something you don’t really care about, but it’s more about you make a conscious choice to treat him the way you have been wanting to be treated by all those guys who just disappear. It’s about holding yourself to the same standard you want to hold everyone else to…no matter what. You are also giving him the gift of closure as well. Just a thought.
As far as your job hunt, it sounds like there is a lot of potential but the timing is just a little off. It will all work out though. As far as what God wants for you, I want to encourage you to try not to think like HIM….it’s impossible! What I believe God wants for all of us, is to continue to grow, access our potential and be happy in our lives, no matter what happens. You have NO IDEA the paths that are waiting for you. If you were to give up your citizenship etc. for that one job, what if your dream guy is waiting for you on the other side? What if you end up working with and meeting the best people you have ever worked with? What if you end up being the happiest you have ever felt? Wouldn’t you say that God was guiding you in the best direction, even though none of it would make sense, considering all you went through to be where you are now? God has a bird’s eye view of our life…something we don’t have ourselves. So that’s where faith comes in and trusting that wherever the doors open next to guide us in our lives, it’s for our best and highest good.
I’m glad you are not focusing on dating right now. Your job hunting is giving you a break from all of that stuff. Next week, there will be more answers for you. In the meantime, I hope you fully and completely enjoyed your massage! You have inspired me! I’m gonna book a massage later today 🙂 It’s been awhile.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Wow! Thank you for taking the time to quickly acknowledge this. I’m glad to know you resonated with all of it. Looking forward to hearing what you have to say!
Heidi
Hi Kit,
Of course you are afraid to lose him. You love him. I hate to say this, but if leaving him is the path you choose and he doesn’t chase you, isn’t that something you feel like you need to know about him? If he doesn’t chase you, what does that REALLY say about him and your relationship? I would hate to see you stay connected to a guy who wouldn’t be willing to fight for you in his life. If that is the case, you are not being valued to level you deserve.
You will not be able to slowly care less about him. It’s not possible when you love someone. Besides, no playing games with an issue like this. It’s important you are very direct and honest.
You have 3 choices.
1. Fully and completely accept that this is who he is and continue to invest in this relationship. Maybe someday it will change. I don’t know.2. Ask for what you want. The thing is, there are no consequences for his behavior and decisions and how he is designing his romantic life. If you want things to change, YOU need to create those consequences. Yes, it could mean that you lose him. If you lose him, you never really had him in the first place. It will hurt like crazy, but the alternative is to continue to hurt by staying in love with a man who doesn’t really love you back…at least not in a healthy and committed way. So ask for what you want and if he isn’t willing to join you in YOUR design of a relationship, then it would be time for you to exit. You can say something like, “We have done it your way for 3 years now. I have loved you so deeply and committed to you, despite your connection with this other woman. I have reached my end and cannot do that anymore. I no longer want to compete or constantly worry that you are going to disconnect from me and go have an experience with her. What I need is a commitment from you. You are a spectacular man and I just want to continue spending time with you and laughing with you and just being with you. But in order for me to feel safe doing something like that, we need to be on the same exact page. So now that you know what page I am on, you can either join me in that design and let go of the idea of the other girl and focus on us, or it’s time for me to exit.”
3. You can just decide it’s time for you to disconnect.
The thing is, how things are right now, are really hurting you. You would not be here, looking for help, if it weren’t. So SOMETHING has to change and that change needs to come from you. It’s time for you to be very honest with what you need and fight for that. He fights for what he wants and you always concede because you want to keep him. If he is not willing to do the same for you, then again, that is something you want to know sooner than later about him.
I know whichever path you choose is extremely uncomfortable. It’s time to fight for yourself though. It’s time to allow your voice to be heard and for your voice to matter. If he doesn’t want to make your voice and your needs matter in his life, then he sure is missing out and he needs to feel the consequences of that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! 5 step brothers and sisters. That’s a lot! So you are the only child from your mom and dad? Have either of them met your guy yet?
I love how handy he is! Isn’t that a super attractive quality??? I imagine that you and I are similar in that we can figure stuff out, even if it is manual labor, building something, putting something together. So when a guy can come along and help out, it’s soooo wonderful and sexy! lol.
Having a depressed mom is tough. It’s a lot of managing the conversation, situations etc. but it sounds like he has somewhat of a handle on it. I’m so glad he has his sisters to give him a different experience of being in relationship with female energy. I have no doubt it has helped him in many ways he probably not even aware of.
It’s great that he is not involved in a lot of fires. It’s such a stressful job, both for the guy and his companion. I’ve always said I don’t want to get connected with a guy who has a life threatening job. That, in and of itself, is so darn stressful wondering if they are coming home each day.
Is this your first time skiing together? Do you know if you both are at the same level of skiing ability?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
The hike was not so fun. Too windy and it was a chilly wind. Even the dogs were struggling, so I had to cut it short. Hopefully this weekend will be much better.
I really want to encourage you to create closure with Peter, if you already haven’t. You know what it feels like to be ignored and it feels awful. Treat him the way you want to be treated.
I totally get how having a partner right now, who had money, would be nice. It would make your job hunting a lot less stressful for sure! I occasionally have that thought. It is so darn expensive where I live. It takes a lot of work to keep my life going, just by myself. Then I go back to being thankful that I CAN do it. I have the skills, the knowledge, the drive, the people skills…basically whatever I need to be successful and I put myself in a space of gratitude and remember what I DO have vs. what I don’t have. I have a great life!
I have no doubt you will be provided for. There is a GIANT, BIG present (a new job) waiting for you already, it’s just a matter of time for it to be revealed. Your only job is to keep your eyes and ears open, pay attention to the signs and keep walking forward and it is inevitable for you to find that present. I can’t wait for you to find it! This is exciting!Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I love the 8 dates book. It is his most recent release. I hope it inspires you!
As far as asking him if he is going to leave her, I would encourage you to stay away from that question and here is why. You are handing the power and responsibility of the relationship over to him. YOU need to take responsibility for what you need. By saying it the way I suggested, you are owning your own feelings, setting boundaries and then letting him decide if he wants to participate or not. This way, you are keeping your own personal power and he gets to ride along or not. By asking him what he wants to do, you are handing him your personal power and making him responsible and the decision maker. He is NOT making any healthy decisions right now. He is with her, all the while connecting with you on a daily basis. He isn’t really with her, or with you and you want HIM to decide??? He doesn’t have the ability. Why should he anyways. He gets to have everything he wants right now. Why would he change anything? Besides…even if you did ask him that question, whatever he says doesn’t matter until there is action behind his words. So what are you going to do? Wait for him to break up with her? And you really think that even if he did that, that he would completely disconnect from her? He most likely will continue some type of connection with her behind your back, just as he is doing to her, with you, right now. So again, this is about YOU deciding what you need, setting your boundary and then abiding by that boundary. This will force him into a making a decision because he WANTS to, not because you are asking him to. He will make a decision of his own free will to join you or leave you completely alone. He needs to feel that all on his own, without you forcing him into HIM making the decision directly. It has a completely different effect when YOU decide.
So if he comes back, you say you want a fresh start. What does that mean? What does that look like? Reality is, the issues that are present now do not just disappear. The issues that have been present in your marriage for a long time are still going to be there. So HOW do you make a fresh start, when nothing is fresh. If anything, more junk has been added up, because of the choices he has been making. So what steps do you require from him and yourself, to create a new marriage together?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
My guess is, he is so overwhelmed right now. Birthdays and age can really be hard for some people. I would be surprised if he got depressed along with stressing about his ex and that just zapped all of his energy to feel good about meeting with you. He would need to be somewhat emotionally available to have a conversation with you and my guess is he just didn’t have it in him. I wouldn’t take it personally. He most likely is hanging on by his fingernails and doesn’t have much to offer. If he is in survival mode, keep giving him space, send him encouragement, funny videos that will make him laugh…just stay connected little bits at a time so he knows you are still there and not mad at him. He will meet when he is ready. Until then, just continuing to connect is enough. I imagine he feels a lot like a failure and I’m sure his ex reminds him of this each time they interact. So that, in an of itself, would make him gun shy to try anything with you again. So again, being supportive, light and easy for him, is what he needs most right now.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kit,
Thank you for sharing all of this. It’s very helpful!
I think it’s important for you to understand that the issue isn’t about “awakening his heart” to you more. There is something in him, that is not allowing him to commit fully and completely to anyone. He is not willing to let go of the other girl AND he is not willing to let go of you, yet he is not willing to completely invest in either of you. He wants to keep things exactly as they are, because then he gets to stay comfortable, have the energy of both of you without having to decide anything. I can understand this if it were a newer relationship, but this has been going on for 3 years now. And he even currently says to you that he would have to think about whether or not he would date the other girl and would need to give it a try first, to see what happened. After 3 years of being with you Kit, talking on a daily basis, making plans for the future with you, he says he would have to think about whether or not he would date her and they would have to really talk about it, to see if it could work??? That had to make your heart sink! That’s awful to hear! And for him to come visit you and then tell you he doesn’t know the plans for the next day and he ends up going to visit her (which he already had planned btw and just didn’t tell you), is also pretty awful.
I understand you don’t want to lose him, but you don’t really have him either. He is not committed, but he won’t let you go. The thing is, he is doing whatever he wants. Where do you exist in this equation? Where do YOUR feelings matter? Where do YOUR needs get met? I don’t see how this is a partnership, at the foundation. I understand you talk every day and have an incredible connection and share a lot with each other, but at the foundation, he is not committed and still has the door open to this other girl. He basically is sitting right in the middle, not making any decisions AND making both of you a possibility for his life. That way he gets to have everything he wants without having to lose anything. Neither of you are holding him accountable to stop playing games, because that is exactly what he is doing.
You basically are giving him all the power and control as to how this relationship between you guys can work. He is also is living in fantasy land to think that it is okay to stay connected with you, while dating her. It is inappropriate, just as it’s inappropriate for him to be still be connecting to her while feeding the relationship with you. And because you love him and don’t want to lose him, you accept that he will do whatever he wants, hoping that someday he will change his mind. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. How would you feel if things were in exactly the same place 2 years from now? His heart is still open to the other girl, he is not committed to you and things are exactly the same as they are now. Is that okay for you?
With all of this being said, I also know that you guys have a sweet connection and you care deeply for him. If you want to keep fighting for him, then your plan is a good one. Stay silent and stop talking about your relationship and the other girl and your needs. Just keep letting him do what he wants and things will stay peaceful. You know she is there and always will be, so you might as well accept that she is part of him and let go of trying to compete with her. Just accept what he IS offering you. The more you focus on what he ISN’T offering you, you will get stressed and want to talk about it and then it leads into an argument, because truth is, he isn’t willing to change. He will run if you try to hold him accountable to anything more than what he is offering. So if you want to stay with him, it’s important for you to just accept that this is who he is.
If you are finding at some point, it is just too painful to know he is not committing to you, he not creating a future with you, he is still connecting with this other, then it would be time to set some boundaries and be willing to lose him, in efforts of caring for your heart.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jess,
Oh good! I’m glad these kinds of questions are giving you an approach you feel comfortable with. It is really easy for people to get cozy with each other and to stop sharing. One of the most important things to remember in a relationship is this…you know everything about him AND you know nothing. If you remember that, it can help maintain a higher level of curiosity about who he is, even on a daily basis. That curiosity means you will more inspired to ask questions…hence there will be more sharing that is exchanged between other. Curiosity is a quality that contributes to longevity in relationships. It’s quite crucial to help both people stay engaged, interested and stimulated in the relationship. If you need help with more ideas about what questions you can ask, let me know!
I normally would agree with you in that now would not be the best time to date, but I’m more inclined to say that dating each other is different. You guys have 18 years together!!! It’s not like this is a new relationship. He is your person and vice versa. It’s important to have his support and help, especially as you navigate all that you are dealing with. That is, only if the relationship can be supportive and helpful and not add too much stress to an already stressful situation. It sounds like, at the moment, you guys are figuring out a good flow and a good way to connect that is nourishing for both of you. Hopefully that will deepen your connection with each other.
Heidi
here is another interesting perspective on “soul mates.” Loved this article.
Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate
Heidi
Baaaahahaha! OMG! You totally crack me up! It’s all good that you didn’t understand what I was saying. It helps me better understand where you are at and what you identify with, so you are a really good teacher!
Thank you for sharing all of that! It’s all pretty wonderful and I love that you are connecting with all those parts of yourself and what you were feeling. That’s definitely part of the process of healing. You are doing some really great work!
I’m glad that you are identifying what you don’t want in a relationship. Many times, that is the best way to figure out what you DO want. First, let’s talk about you, just by yourself. How do you feel about yourself, even in your worst moments? How do you treat yourself, in your worst moments? How do you think about yourself, even when you have really messed up? How do you care for yourself on a daily basis? The answer to all of those questions will reflect the kind of relationship you attract. If you are unkind, uncaring and disconnected from yourself when you mess up, then that is all you believe you deserve and you will attract someone who supports those beliefs you carry. So a healthy lover relationship, the guy will respect you, care for you, love you…even with all of your flaws and mistakes. He will treat you that way, even when he is hurting and in his own messiness. That is ideal, however not easy to find. Most people have very poor understanding and skills to handle their own stressful emotions in healthy and respectful ways with themselves as well as those involved. That’s why I work sooo hard to keep managing my emotions, facing my fears, treating myself with kindness and love even in my mess. If that is how I treat myself, then that is the standard I am setting for any man who is invited into my life AND…I will be able to offer him the same experience when he is messy as well.
A lover relationship can look a million different ways. Again, it will be reflective of how people feel about themselves. So let’s go back to that bossy lady. She obviously was quite unhappy and had a very high need to have power over people, because she felt powerless in herself. She will attract someone who functions at the same level of woundedness as she does. It doesn’t mean they have the same issues, it just means they are carrying the same amount of baggage. So their version of a “lover relationship” will reflect the baggage they carry. So you need to decide what you want your lover relationship to reflect. You get to create that for yourself! The foundation of that design is based on how you treat yourself in every areas of your life. Does this make sense?
My vision of my personal lover relationship, above and beyond how I treat myself, is based on science, personal experiences and learning / watching others’ experiences. Here is a simple article that can help you create your own vision of your lover relationship.
Hopefully this post was a little more helpful for you. If not, I trust you will tell me! That’s one of my favorite things about you!
Heidi
Hi Jonet,
I am so sorry for all you are going through. It’s so darn powerful when we connect with someone on that level of intensity. It’s instant, it’s effortless and it’s very powerful and many people are afraid of that kind of connection.
Here is the thing. Kanya is spot on when she talked about his level of love being at an adolescent level. He has no ability to keep his integrity and jumps from one woman to the next, all in efforts to fill the hole he carries inside of himself. He, of course, is aware of how much he is causing harm, but it doesn’t change his behavior. That means HIS needs are more important than any hurt he is causing to other people, including you. You are correct in that he is afraid of the intensity as well, but he is still behaving in a very teenage-like fashion when handling his fear. Either way, he is very young in emotional development when it comes to love and romance.
I know you want him back. Of course you do! He feels fantastic and has boosted a lot of your self-esteem! Everyone would want more of that! The thing is, it will always come at a very high price. He WILL cheat again, he WILL re-connect with ex’s or find someone new, he WILL sabotage your relationship. There is NO EVIDENCE, whatsoever, that he has changed on any level. For all these years, he has done the same thing, over and over and over again, to different women and you happen to be in the mix of women who he can still pull on the heart strings and get to play these games with him. Truth is, he has little to no respect for women. He does what he wants, gets his needs met and then tries to repair things later. If anything, he is showing you over and over again, how much he cannot be trusted. That is the evidence. So…you can have your connection back with him and fight for him, but know what you are getting into.
You absolutely get to choose your life and who you want to invest in and who you want to love. I want to offer you a perspective though. Loving someone DOES NOT mean you are excluded from the equation. Meaning….if you choose to “love” him, that means you are choosing not to love yourself because you are choosing a man who is rejecting, lying, has no integrity and will abandon you at some point…despite the “love” you guys feel you have for each other. A healthy love means that in loving someone else, you are also loving yourself…you are included in that equation of love. Anytime you love someone else, at the expense of your own well being and at the expense of your own heart, that kind of love is more wounded and does not have lot of sustainability…at least in a healthy way. It’s full of all kinds of drama. Just something to think about.
If this is what you want…you definitely get to have that. I have no doubt he will keep connecting with you. You can keep responding and I’m sure, in time, he will agree to see you. Just keep playing hard to get. Be distant and make him work for you…from what you have said, he responds to that. Don’t respond to his messages right away. Make him keep feeling that you are not sure you believe what he says. This will most likely increase his need to “prove” to you he is telling you the truth. Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Yes, I remember. Is there a reason you posted in a new category?? You were you hoping to get different advice from Kanya maybe?
Again, I want to encourage you, to keep giving him space and letting him work through what he needs to. This is not about you. You have cancer and I have no doubt that is triggering SO MUCH of his abused childhood energy. You cannot heal him. What he needs to face, can only be done by him. The best thing you can do is to offer comfort and support, but also know he will most likely run again. One of the best ways to ease his fears is to give space. He has also mentioned before that how you guys communicate could be improved. That would be the first place to start.
I love asking the question “You know, I’m thinking a lot about the kind of partner I am. I can see some areas that I am not great at, I see the areas where I am really good as well. But I would love your perspective. It will help me see how well I know myself as well as how I can be better. I truly want to be a better person.” Is that something you can ask him?
Even talking about things like, What is your greatest fear? What do you think would happen if that fear came true? If you had cancer like me, what kinds of things do you think you wish you would have done in your life differently? These kinds of reflective questions are pretty normal for those who are facing a disease that could take their life. In a way, he is also facing his own death, as you are going through this….so maybe you can gather more information about him and what he needs, through the answers he gives you.
I’m sure he wants to come back, but I think his FEARS are so big, that being with you doesn’t feel possible at the moment. Again, I am guessing that the whole cancer thing has turned his fears up 100x more than what they already were. So keep giving him space, keep the friendship alive as best you can, keep creating opportunities for him to express how he feels and thinks, without you having a negative reaction and most of all, just let him be what he needs to be right now. I have no doubt he is so terribly confused and he has some things to sort out…hence his need to connect and flirt with you, but not be WITH you. He’s got quite the battle going on inside of him…
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Welcome! This is a bit of a sticky situation.
I find it really interesting that this girl has so much power. First, the fact that she even cares, just tells you she is holding onto hurt from the past and is not someone to let go of things. She is still suffering and that is HER choice. Because she is still suffering, he is still in relationship with her on some level, in the sense that he is still feeling responsible on some level. He hasn’t fully let go either. This does not mean the connection that still exists is through romance. I’m just saying they are still having a connection through her suffering and his need to make things okay (generally speaking). I am wondering if she created A LOT of drama when they ended things and he is scared she will do that again…at his workplace. I imagine if they didn’t work together, it all would be completely different.
The thing is, she doesn’t get to decide and the fact she is even taking on some of that power, says something about her. The fact that he had soooo much anxiety and felt he needed to talk to her and get her approval on some level to date you, says something about him as well. Neither of them have completely forgiven and released whatever happened 2 years back. With that being said, know that if you enter into dating him, whatever baggage he is carrying about her (and other ladies he has dated) will carry forward with you. So watch his patterns and how he is showing up with this whole situation. He is showing you who he is, when he is stressed and who he gives his power away to. His tendency seems to be on the co-dependent side (always needing to keep the peace – even at the expense of his own needs and wants).
As you move forward with this situation, it’s important that HE makes the decision and initiates. He needs to deal with his anxiety about this other girl, if he is ever going to feel comfortable dating you. He needs to make that effort, otherwise he might be that type to give into pressure (co-dependent behavior) to make you happy too, but won’t be happy in himself.
I tend to be a pretty blunt person, so my personal approach would be to say something like, “Listen…before we move forward into anything, you have to feel comfortable, easy and without worry. If you are that concerned about what she will think and how she will behave, then that is something I am not interested in experiencing with you. I would love to get to know you more, but not at the expense of your comfort level with her. I will not go up and down, date and not date etc. because you are trying to keep the peace. So whenever you feel resolved that her opinion and feelings are not your concern anymore, I’m happy to take an adventure with you. If not, I totally respect your choice. You take the lead on this.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
I want to encourage you not to really get into conversation about this other girl. The more you guys talk about her, the more she becomes important and a bonding subject between you guys. Yuk! So you also need to decide what is important for you. If you feel her friendship is more important, then honor that. If not, that’s okay too…go do what you want. Either way, there are consequences. If you choose her friendship and to keep the peace at work, you are releasing the idea of him. If you choose yourself and to date him, you are risking the loss of a work friend and some drama at work. So what are YOU willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Kit,
Wow…this is a really challenging situation you are in. How often do you guys get to see each other? It sounds like you both have a good friendship and good contact with each other. I’m just wondering how much time you have spent together in person over the past 3 years. Have you guys ever talked about moving into the same area at some point? Where does this other girl live? Is that also long distance?
Of course you are depressed. The guy you love, is not fully committed to you. He may be your boyfriend, but he is not willing to commit his heart to you, whether it’s because of this other girl, or because he is terrified to commit and uses this other girl as an excuse. Do you know if he has ever been “in love” before? What is his past relationship history?? How old are you both?
This is a tricky situation Kit. If you start to make some changes, you are now risking losing him. He is completely content with how things are right now, so if you shake that up at all, know there is a risk that he will head away from you, not towards you. But it sounds like you are at the point where you cannot support this design of the relationship anymore. It hurts too much and it is supposed to. You cannot obtain depth and growth with each other when he has 1 foot out the door and connecting with another girl. As long as he keeps connecting with her, it will always limit what you and him have together.
Let’s talk a little about your relationship. There may be things you can do to help the relationship become stronger. Is there anything that you guys tend to argue about? Is there anything you are aware of that he is unhappy about? What areas do you feel you could be a better partner for him? And him for you?
Heidi
