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Hi Jess,
Oh good! I’m glad these kinds of questions are giving you an approach you feel comfortable with. It is really easy for people to get cozy with each other and to stop sharing. One of the most important things to remember in a relationship is this…you know everything about him AND you know nothing. If you remember that, it can help maintain a higher level of curiosity about who he is, even on a daily basis. That curiosity means you will more inspired to ask questions…hence there will be more sharing that is exchanged between other. Curiosity is a quality that contributes to longevity in relationships. It’s quite crucial to help both people stay engaged, interested and stimulated in the relationship. If you need help with more ideas about what questions you can ask, let me know!
I normally would agree with you in that now would not be the best time to date, but I’m more inclined to say that dating each other is different. You guys have 18 years together!!! It’s not like this is a new relationship. He is your person and vice versa. It’s important to have his support and help, especially as you navigate all that you are dealing with. That is, only if the relationship can be supportive and helpful and not add too much stress to an already stressful situation. It sounds like, at the moment, you guys are figuring out a good flow and a good way to connect that is nourishing for both of you. Hopefully that will deepen your connection with each other.
Heidi
here is another interesting perspective on “soul mates.” Loved this article.
Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate
Heidi
Baaaahahaha! OMG! You totally crack me up! It’s all good that you didn’t understand what I was saying. It helps me better understand where you are at and what you identify with, so you are a really good teacher!
Thank you for sharing all of that! It’s all pretty wonderful and I love that you are connecting with all those parts of yourself and what you were feeling. That’s definitely part of the process of healing. You are doing some really great work!
I’m glad that you are identifying what you don’t want in a relationship. Many times, that is the best way to figure out what you DO want. First, let’s talk about you, just by yourself. How do you feel about yourself, even in your worst moments? How do you treat yourself, in your worst moments? How do you think about yourself, even when you have really messed up? How do you care for yourself on a daily basis? The answer to all of those questions will reflect the kind of relationship you attract. If you are unkind, uncaring and disconnected from yourself when you mess up, then that is all you believe you deserve and you will attract someone who supports those beliefs you carry. So a healthy lover relationship, the guy will respect you, care for you, love you…even with all of your flaws and mistakes. He will treat you that way, even when he is hurting and in his own messiness. That is ideal, however not easy to find. Most people have very poor understanding and skills to handle their own stressful emotions in healthy and respectful ways with themselves as well as those involved. That’s why I work sooo hard to keep managing my emotions, facing my fears, treating myself with kindness and love even in my mess. If that is how I treat myself, then that is the standard I am setting for any man who is invited into my life AND…I will be able to offer him the same experience when he is messy as well.
A lover relationship can look a million different ways. Again, it will be reflective of how people feel about themselves. So let’s go back to that bossy lady. She obviously was quite unhappy and had a very high need to have power over people, because she felt powerless in herself. She will attract someone who functions at the same level of woundedness as she does. It doesn’t mean they have the same issues, it just means they are carrying the same amount of baggage. So their version of a “lover relationship” will reflect the baggage they carry. So you need to decide what you want your lover relationship to reflect. You get to create that for yourself! The foundation of that design is based on how you treat yourself in every areas of your life. Does this make sense?
My vision of my personal lover relationship, above and beyond how I treat myself, is based on science, personal experiences and learning / watching others’ experiences. Here is a simple article that can help you create your own vision of your lover relationship.
Hopefully this post was a little more helpful for you. If not, I trust you will tell me! That’s one of my favorite things about you!
Heidi
Hi Jonet,
I am so sorry for all you are going through. It’s so darn powerful when we connect with someone on that level of intensity. It’s instant, it’s effortless and it’s very powerful and many people are afraid of that kind of connection.
Here is the thing. Kanya is spot on when she talked about his level of love being at an adolescent level. He has no ability to keep his integrity and jumps from one woman to the next, all in efforts to fill the hole he carries inside of himself. He, of course, is aware of how much he is causing harm, but it doesn’t change his behavior. That means HIS needs are more important than any hurt he is causing to other people, including you. You are correct in that he is afraid of the intensity as well, but he is still behaving in a very teenage-like fashion when handling his fear. Either way, he is very young in emotional development when it comes to love and romance.
I know you want him back. Of course you do! He feels fantastic and has boosted a lot of your self-esteem! Everyone would want more of that! The thing is, it will always come at a very high price. He WILL cheat again, he WILL re-connect with ex’s or find someone new, he WILL sabotage your relationship. There is NO EVIDENCE, whatsoever, that he has changed on any level. For all these years, he has done the same thing, over and over and over again, to different women and you happen to be in the mix of women who he can still pull on the heart strings and get to play these games with him. Truth is, he has little to no respect for women. He does what he wants, gets his needs met and then tries to repair things later. If anything, he is showing you over and over again, how much he cannot be trusted. That is the evidence. So…you can have your connection back with him and fight for him, but know what you are getting into.
You absolutely get to choose your life and who you want to invest in and who you want to love. I want to offer you a perspective though. Loving someone DOES NOT mean you are excluded from the equation. Meaning….if you choose to “love” him, that means you are choosing not to love yourself because you are choosing a man who is rejecting, lying, has no integrity and will abandon you at some point…despite the “love” you guys feel you have for each other. A healthy love means that in loving someone else, you are also loving yourself…you are included in that equation of love. Anytime you love someone else, at the expense of your own well being and at the expense of your own heart, that kind of love is more wounded and does not have lot of sustainability…at least in a healthy way. It’s full of all kinds of drama. Just something to think about.
If this is what you want…you definitely get to have that. I have no doubt he will keep connecting with you. You can keep responding and I’m sure, in time, he will agree to see you. Just keep playing hard to get. Be distant and make him work for you…from what you have said, he responds to that. Don’t respond to his messages right away. Make him keep feeling that you are not sure you believe what he says. This will most likely increase his need to “prove” to you he is telling you the truth. Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Yes, I remember. Is there a reason you posted in a new category?? You were you hoping to get different advice from Kanya maybe?
Again, I want to encourage you, to keep giving him space and letting him work through what he needs to. This is not about you. You have cancer and I have no doubt that is triggering SO MUCH of his abused childhood energy. You cannot heal him. What he needs to face, can only be done by him. The best thing you can do is to offer comfort and support, but also know he will most likely run again. One of the best ways to ease his fears is to give space. He has also mentioned before that how you guys communicate could be improved. That would be the first place to start.
I love asking the question “You know, I’m thinking a lot about the kind of partner I am. I can see some areas that I am not great at, I see the areas where I am really good as well. But I would love your perspective. It will help me see how well I know myself as well as how I can be better. I truly want to be a better person.” Is that something you can ask him?
Even talking about things like, What is your greatest fear? What do you think would happen if that fear came true? If you had cancer like me, what kinds of things do you think you wish you would have done in your life differently? These kinds of reflective questions are pretty normal for those who are facing a disease that could take their life. In a way, he is also facing his own death, as you are going through this….so maybe you can gather more information about him and what he needs, through the answers he gives you.
I’m sure he wants to come back, but I think his FEARS are so big, that being with you doesn’t feel possible at the moment. Again, I am guessing that the whole cancer thing has turned his fears up 100x more than what they already were. So keep giving him space, keep the friendship alive as best you can, keep creating opportunities for him to express how he feels and thinks, without you having a negative reaction and most of all, just let him be what he needs to be right now. I have no doubt he is so terribly confused and he has some things to sort out…hence his need to connect and flirt with you, but not be WITH you. He’s got quite the battle going on inside of him…
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Welcome! This is a bit of a sticky situation.
I find it really interesting that this girl has so much power. First, the fact that she even cares, just tells you she is holding onto hurt from the past and is not someone to let go of things. She is still suffering and that is HER choice. Because she is still suffering, he is still in relationship with her on some level, in the sense that he is still feeling responsible on some level. He hasn’t fully let go either. This does not mean the connection that still exists is through romance. I’m just saying they are still having a connection through her suffering and his need to make things okay (generally speaking). I am wondering if she created A LOT of drama when they ended things and he is scared she will do that again…at his workplace. I imagine if they didn’t work together, it all would be completely different.
The thing is, she doesn’t get to decide and the fact she is even taking on some of that power, says something about her. The fact that he had soooo much anxiety and felt he needed to talk to her and get her approval on some level to date you, says something about him as well. Neither of them have completely forgiven and released whatever happened 2 years back. With that being said, know that if you enter into dating him, whatever baggage he is carrying about her (and other ladies he has dated) will carry forward with you. So watch his patterns and how he is showing up with this whole situation. He is showing you who he is, when he is stressed and who he gives his power away to. His tendency seems to be on the co-dependent side (always needing to keep the peace – even at the expense of his own needs and wants).
As you move forward with this situation, it’s important that HE makes the decision and initiates. He needs to deal with his anxiety about this other girl, if he is ever going to feel comfortable dating you. He needs to make that effort, otherwise he might be that type to give into pressure (co-dependent behavior) to make you happy too, but won’t be happy in himself.
I tend to be a pretty blunt person, so my personal approach would be to say something like, “Listen…before we move forward into anything, you have to feel comfortable, easy and without worry. If you are that concerned about what she will think and how she will behave, then that is something I am not interested in experiencing with you. I would love to get to know you more, but not at the expense of your comfort level with her. I will not go up and down, date and not date etc. because you are trying to keep the peace. So whenever you feel resolved that her opinion and feelings are not your concern anymore, I’m happy to take an adventure with you. If not, I totally respect your choice. You take the lead on this.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
I want to encourage you not to really get into conversation about this other girl. The more you guys talk about her, the more she becomes important and a bonding subject between you guys. Yuk! So you also need to decide what is important for you. If you feel her friendship is more important, then honor that. If not, that’s okay too…go do what you want. Either way, there are consequences. If you choose her friendship and to keep the peace at work, you are releasing the idea of him. If you choose yourself and to date him, you are risking the loss of a work friend and some drama at work. So what are YOU willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Kit,
Wow…this is a really challenging situation you are in. How often do you guys get to see each other? It sounds like you both have a good friendship and good contact with each other. I’m just wondering how much time you have spent together in person over the past 3 years. Have you guys ever talked about moving into the same area at some point? Where does this other girl live? Is that also long distance?
Of course you are depressed. The guy you love, is not fully committed to you. He may be your boyfriend, but he is not willing to commit his heart to you, whether it’s because of this other girl, or because he is terrified to commit and uses this other girl as an excuse. Do you know if he has ever been “in love” before? What is his past relationship history?? How old are you both?
This is a tricky situation Kit. If you start to make some changes, you are now risking losing him. He is completely content with how things are right now, so if you shake that up at all, know there is a risk that he will head away from you, not towards you. But it sounds like you are at the point where you cannot support this design of the relationship anymore. It hurts too much and it is supposed to. You cannot obtain depth and growth with each other when he has 1 foot out the door and connecting with another girl. As long as he keeps connecting with her, it will always limit what you and him have together.
Let’s talk a little about your relationship. There may be things you can do to help the relationship become stronger. Is there anything that you guys tend to argue about? Is there anything you are aware of that he is unhappy about? What areas do you feel you could be a better partner for him? And him for you?
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
We are glad you are here!
I’m so sorry for your breakup. First, I imagine it was awful to discover that he cheated on you and second, you get another whammie with him feeling confused and wanting to breakup. Ouch!
Can you tell us a little more about what is going on in your marriage? Do you know why he cheated or how it came about? You say you want to fix your marriage…so what EXACTLY is broken? What needs to be healed between you guys?
The no contact rule obviously won’t work in your situation, but there are other things you can do. When you are able to share more details, we can better guide you as to what some of the options are.
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
Oh man…I am so so sorry! I know that exact feeling you are talking about, with feeling punched in the stomach. It stings, doesn’t it?
First and foremost, you did nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself. The reason you are suffering and feeling so rejected, is because of the story you are created around him disconnecting from the group. I agree with your friend in that the story you are putting around his choice is on the extreme side. From my perspective, he most likely is just disconnecting, because he doesn’t want to be part of the conversation that should be private and personal and just between you and your financial guy. I don’t think you messed anything up.
But let’s just go there for a second. Let’s say you did mess up. So what? Your pure intention was just to possibly inspire him to re-connect with you and to portray that you are doing okay in your life. What’s so damaging or bad or wrong about that? You did NOTHING to cause him harm. And so what if he saw through what you were doing. That could very well be true and there is nothing wrong with that. It just means that he noticed you were wanting to connect. What’s so bad about that?
Remember Sharon…you are loveable and worth fighting for, even in your messiness. You are far from perfect, just like him and that’s okay! Now is the time to love yourself, be kind and compassionate with yourself, even “if” you messed up. Him disconnecting from you, does not mean he gets to decide your value! Him disconnecting from you doesn’t mean you disconnect from you. Stay with yourself. Stay supportive of yourself. Staying loving towards yourself, even when he isn’t. This is a skill and a choice, every second of every day. This skill will make you a much better lover anyways, so if you guys do get back together, you will better be able to handle whatever shows up.
Now go get some balloons!!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
The past few days sound really wonderful! You guys really do have a beautiful connection!
I would really encourage you to not leave this forum! We LOVE hearing when things are going well! Plus, writing it down and allowing us to acknowledge it and validate it, it can strengthen the good stuff, which is SO IMPORTANT! It can help keep your focus on what you DO have. We want to celebrate with you. We want to support you, no matter when things are wonderful or challenging. Besides, I would miss you! I love hearing your updates and I love hearing how loving and caring and sweet he is with you too. It always makes me smile and makes me really happy for you that you get to feel that with a man.
I understand if you still need a break for awhile. Either way, we really enjoy connecting with you!
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
I imagine he stopped messaging, because he didn’t want to lead you on or have you misinterpret his intentions. Give it a little more time as he learns that you do have the ability to be friends like you were before.
You are correct, just because he is responding to your pictures every once in awhile, does not mean anything. I really do want to encourage you to let go of the idea of him as a romantic partner. It will help you move on and have your heart available for someone else who responds to you in romantic way. I wish there were something else you could do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to release the energy around him and let your heart heal.
Heidi
Ohhhh! I didn’t realize the he didn’t want contact anymore. I missed that part. That would make it difficult to be friends then, since he isn’t open to that. My guess is, you are right. He is uncomfortable that you have feelings for him and he doesn’t really know how to deal with that. Will you guys ever run into each other again through mutual friends or group situations? That might be a good way to show him that you have full and complete ability to have feelings for him AND just be friends.
Still posting on Instagram is a good idea. I get what you are trying to do and it may work at some point, to open the door to connecting again, even if just as friends.I have a lot of respect for you, that you are handling it the way you are. It’s not easy to be rejected like that. You are quite strong and resilient!
Heidi
Hi Katrina,
What a wonderful question. Have you ever asked him that? It’s hard to say EXACTLY what more you can do, as each person receives and needs support that is unique to what they respond to. It sounds like you are doing a really good job already! And it sounds like he is responding well to it.
Mostly, keep doing what IS working. Keep staying in the present and keep taking 1 day at a time. If you start to talk about future stuff, he may likely run. He can talk about it, but you are best to stay away from talking about it, until he has his feet on the ground more. Keep reminding him of his best self. When you talk to him, you can say things like, “You are a strong soul. I know you have the ability to make this decision.” “You are resilient. You have complete trust you will figure this out…” Those kinds of statements will remind him of who he is, beneath all the pain. Make sure to keep complimenting him and remind him of the things you like about him, how you appreciate him, you much he adds to your life. Find different ways to express that to him, beyond just words. You can also send him videos, maybe Ted Talks, that are on the topic of whatever he is struggling with. Videos that have wisdom, encouragement or tips to help him. Maybe read some self help books yourself and then share what you are learning about yourself with him. Men learn A TON by just watching their woman figure things out.
Does this help?
Heidi
Wooohooo!!! OMG! I love everything you just said! Every single bit of that is truth! Now, the hard part about that, is to be able remember that, when a guy isn’t choosing you. Where all of us tend to get stuck and in our low self esteem, is when someone, or many someones, are rejecting us. It starts to make us question, “What’s wrong with me, that he didn’t want me?” “What did I do wrong?” Many times, we even forget that we didn’t want them either, because we are just focused on why they didn’t want us. Online dating does that to a lot of people. Rejection is quite powerful! It can so easily pull us off the truth and into low self esteem. That’s why it so important to have a plan when you get rejected. How do you handle it? What techniques do you have to help you get quickly connected back to the truth? How can you reconnect back to your high self esteem even though no one is paying attention to you?
Heidi
Hi Maddy,
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. I can feel your devastation. It’s soooo hard to watch someone you truly care about, slip through your hands.
First, I am glad you are recognizing your insecurities. It’s important to understand that those insecurities are important for you to face. They don’t just go away, because you say they go away. You will get triggered again and again and again until you face your feelings. You are carrying a lot of woundedness and it will continue to influence any relationship you enter into. What are you willing to do, to work on yourself? To deal with your insecurities and begin to heal them? Would you be willing to work with a therapist or coach? Are you willing to read some books, watch videos, go to workshops? There is no way he is ever going to believe that you have changed, until you actually have changed. He knows enough to know that you can’t just change behavior like that. It requires work and time.
For now, I suggest to give him space. Even in your attempts to fix things, you were very pushy and not listening to him, which is the same exact pattern as you not listening to him when he was telling you he wasn’t cheating. The fact that he had to block you, because he didn’t trust that you could respect his boundary, lets you the know the one thing you CAN do to help repair this…give him space. Take this time right now and commit to focusing on yourself. You lost someone you really cared about, because of your insecurities. Those insecurities are still there. Why not set some things in emotions to start healing those parts of you?? Then, maybe in a month or 2, you can reach out and let him know that you have actually been working on yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
