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Hi Saruga,
I get it. There really are just some people who can get under our skin in a very different way. I had 1 guy like that. It took me about 2 years to get over him. Still to this day, if I were to ever run into him, I have no doubt the butterflies would swarm my stomach and make me feel like I was in Jr. High again. He is the only one who could do that to me. Why? Who knows…I have theories, but it doesn’t really matter. We had a wonderful time while it lasted. It was the best relationship ever and it was only meant for season. I wasn’t willing to close the door, which is why it took so long to really release him. The sooner you are able to close the door completely, the sooner you will feel peace about him. Each time you think about him and feel your emotions starting to get activated, you stop yourself and say “No, he is not your person. It’s over.” Then maybe turn your thoughts to the potential guy who is waiting for you somewhere to cross paths with him. Imagine he can’t take his eyes off you. Imagine he is completely into you and finds you interesting and beautiful and engaging. Imagine he wants to have a relationship with you. Imagine that he will chase you and fight for you.
This is a really fun option for you. I have this coloring book and each time I color in it, I turn on my music playlist that is all love songs, I light a candle, I set my intention and then just have so much fun coloring. It’s specifically designed to attract your “soul mate.” Maybe this is something that can help…
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
This is a great question! I love talking about the word “selfish.” I find it really interesting how people throw that word around so easily and how it has such a bad connotation. Let’s look at it from a different perspective.
Selfish really is just getting your need met, even at the expense of another person. I would say your friend is being selfish then. He is not really interested in knowing you. He doesn’t involve you in conversations and only really talks about himself. He uses you to get his needs met. He uses you for your listening ears and kind heart and doesn’t really offer much in return. He is being quite selfish and he gets to be that! You could actually use him as a role model. He is very good about meeting his needs.
I would say that it is more damaging to care more about someone else with you being excluded from the situation. When you consistently care more about someone else, at the expense of yourself, then you are doing YOURSELF harm. Of course, there are times that is going to happen in relationship, but it’s not damaging, because it’s just every once in awhile. With this guy, it’s every single time. It’s obvious he is not really interested in knowing you, so wouldn’t you say it’s quite appropriate to just accept that he is not the kind of friend that nourishes you? Is that selfish to care about your heart and how you are feeling around someone??
Heidi
Hi Annika,
Oh goodness. I am so sorry for your frustrations and the loss of him! It’s such a bummer that he has such little time. My guess is, he is just looking for occasional hookups or super short “fun times” because he doesn’t have the ability or time to get serious on level. So the best way to do that, is to just keep things light and fun. Tinder is known for that…it’s the “hookup” app. I know you guys had a great time every single time you were able to meet up and that’s what makes this so difficult. Reality is Annika, to only have met up 3x in 3-4 months is not enough. The amount of work it takes just to find a time to meet, is quite a huge barrier that will create a lot of frustration on both sides…which is why I imagine he doesn’t want to date seriously. You probably tempted him since he had such a good time, but he still has to live in the reality of an attorney’s workaholic life. That is his focus and that is where he wants to live. Workaholics are REALLY difficult to be in relationship with. You barely see them, their only focus is work and you will always be second to his work. Plans get canceled, dinners go cold and more often than not, you will be left waiting and waiting and waiting for him to show up all the time or waiting to get that text that he can’t make it, because he has work to finish. You already have some experience of what it’s like to schedule with him. It’s extremely difficult. That, in and of itself, is a barrier to intimacy right from the start.
If he really wanted intimacy and relationship in his life, he would design his life differently. Workaholics are no different than any other addict…they are running from something. Work is a distraction, relief, excuse to not feel or face whatever it is they are carrying deep inside their hearts. He is not really interested in something meaningful. His love relationship is with work and he gets to live like that. He has found a way to still date, have sex and not really have to enter into anything more serious…he gets to use work as an excuse.
Thoughts about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Okay! It’s been 2 months!!! Wooohooo! So far, from all the guys you have mentioned, he has the most potential. He isn’t playing any games, you are wondering how he feels about you, he is showing up consistently….that must feel sooooo good for right now! I know time will tell, but for right now, it’s just so refreshing to hear all of this from you, especially after all the crap that has shown up over the past year or so.
A ski weekend will be great! Being around each other in that way, seeing a little bit about how to travel together and how the flow will go, will be some good things to discover with each other. I hope it goes well!
I really am enjoying the pace at which you guys are getting to know each other. It seems comfortable, no pressure and just enjoying each other when you are able to meet up 1-2 times per week and not trying to rush into anything deeper….just going with the flow. I’m sure he values that quite a bit. Women can tend to really want to rush things and see the guy more and want more more more…especially when they feel there is potential for something more serious.
I can’t wait to hear about the ski weekend!!
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
Wow…this has to be so difficult for you!
I want you to notice a pattern here. When you became desperate and started begging and pleading, he lost respect for you. That is a very normal response for people in general. Both men and women truly desire to know their partner will be okay without them. They want to feel that secure, solid self esteem in their partner. Once their partner becomes needy and desperate, it’s a complete turnoff. He is showing this to you in various ways. The moment you start to miss him and become “needy” for his connection and attention, he pulls away. The moment you become more grounded and centered in yourself, he becomes more available and connective. I know it’s not to the level that you want, but it’s still something. His behavior is telling you exactly what he is looking for from you. He wants confidence, he wants you to respect yourself, he wants you to BELIEVE you are the best thing that ever happened to him!
The very first thing you need to start doing, is connecting to your SELF. You are loving him more than yourself. You are fighting for him, at the expense of yourself. You are willing to do anything and everything, just to have him in your life. You are willing to ignore the fact that he is having an affair. You are willing to take him back, no matter what. That communicates to him, that you don’t respect yourself very much. That communicates to him that he can do whatever he wants in his life and there are no consequences with you. You will always take him back. That communicates to him that you are needy and desperate….all of these things lead to him not really respecting you. If he doesn’t respect you, he will not desire you sexually (especially if he is still getting what he wants from the other girl).
The way to fix this, is to start respecting yourself, loving yourself and connecting to the amazingness that you are…WITHOUT needing to know that from him. When you truly connect to that and act and live your life from that very powerful place, you will become more attractive to him. When you respect you and then expect to be treated as such, he will start to align with that. People treat you the way you expect to be treated. So if you love yourself, respect yourself, care about your heart, even in the worst moments, you will require people to treat you the same way and if they don’t…they just don’t align with you and they will fall away. And if they fall away from your life, you will be okay with because you know you deserve to be treated well and anything less than that, is not okay for you.
Does this make sense?
So let’s start with this. Tell us your favorite qualities about yourself. What makes you a really great partner to be with?
Heidi
Hi Brenda,
Man…this is really tough what you are going through. I am so sorry! It is so difficult to watch your best friend and the guy you want to be with, slip through your fingers. It’s awful.
I want to encourage you to NOT apologize. There is nothing to apologize for. You were setting a VERY APPROPRIATE boundary. He DOES need to go deal with his life. If he is unhappy in his marriage, he needs to go say something and not hide from it. He is doing the same thing with you as well. He is hiding. He is not being authentic. This is something you really need to pay attention to. He is showing you how he handles stress and hurt. He doesn’t communicate. How in the world can any woman know who he REALLY is or how he REALLY feels if he doesn’t communicate and is not honest and authentic? It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who hides what they are feeling.
Like Kanya said, it’s important for you to really focus on yourself right now. He has really caused some harm both to you and to his wife and family. Honor him enough to let him sit with his choices and deal with them. Honor yourself enough to not get involved with a married man. You setting that boundary, even if it was from fear and insecurity, was the healthiest thing you could have done!
You deserve to have a man who is available for you. You deserve to have a man who will fight for you and can’t imagine going a single day without talking or connecting to you. You deserve to have a man who has the strength to be honest with you, even in the hardest moments. You deserve to have a man who can give his whole heart to you. Reality is, your guy is not that person. Fight for more in your life. Let him go, heal your heart so you can open it to someone who has the ability to offer you what you deserve.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi M,
When you guys go out on dates, is he flirty at all? Are you flirty? I am wondering if there any chemistry exchange. Obviously you like him, but is there anything he is doing that would encourage you that he might like you more than a friend?
I get his need to focus on school right now. Men, in general, have a very hard time working on advancing their life AND having a relationship (unless the relationship is already established). Starting a new relationship during this time, could be super difficult for him and he may not even want to, as it can be a big distraction.
I know you want more effort from him. It just may not be his mindset at the moment. You said you have known him for a long time. How long? What kind of relationship did you have before you asked him out 6 months ago?
I like your plan a lot. Give it a shot and see what happens. What do you plan to ask him for help with?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I still want to encourage you to create closure with Peter. A week is not too long. I know it feels like something you don’t really care about, but it’s more about you make a conscious choice to treat him the way you have been wanting to be treated by all those guys who just disappear. It’s about holding yourself to the same standard you want to hold everyone else to…no matter what. You are also giving him the gift of closure as well. Just a thought.
As far as your job hunt, it sounds like there is a lot of potential but the timing is just a little off. It will all work out though. As far as what God wants for you, I want to encourage you to try not to think like HIM….it’s impossible! What I believe God wants for all of us, is to continue to grow, access our potential and be happy in our lives, no matter what happens. You have NO IDEA the paths that are waiting for you. If you were to give up your citizenship etc. for that one job, what if your dream guy is waiting for you on the other side? What if you end up working with and meeting the best people you have ever worked with? What if you end up being the happiest you have ever felt? Wouldn’t you say that God was guiding you in the best direction, even though none of it would make sense, considering all you went through to be where you are now? God has a bird’s eye view of our life…something we don’t have ourselves. So that’s where faith comes in and trusting that wherever the doors open next to guide us in our lives, it’s for our best and highest good.
I’m glad you are not focusing on dating right now. Your job hunting is giving you a break from all of that stuff. Next week, there will be more answers for you. In the meantime, I hope you fully and completely enjoyed your massage! You have inspired me! I’m gonna book a massage later today 🙂 It’s been awhile.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Wow! Thank you for taking the time to quickly acknowledge this. I’m glad to know you resonated with all of it. Looking forward to hearing what you have to say!
Heidi
Hi Kit,
Of course you are afraid to lose him. You love him. I hate to say this, but if leaving him is the path you choose and he doesn’t chase you, isn’t that something you feel like you need to know about him? If he doesn’t chase you, what does that REALLY say about him and your relationship? I would hate to see you stay connected to a guy who wouldn’t be willing to fight for you in his life. If that is the case, you are not being valued to level you deserve.
You will not be able to slowly care less about him. It’s not possible when you love someone. Besides, no playing games with an issue like this. It’s important you are very direct and honest.
You have 3 choices.
1. Fully and completely accept that this is who he is and continue to invest in this relationship. Maybe someday it will change. I don’t know.2. Ask for what you want. The thing is, there are no consequences for his behavior and decisions and how he is designing his romantic life. If you want things to change, YOU need to create those consequences. Yes, it could mean that you lose him. If you lose him, you never really had him in the first place. It will hurt like crazy, but the alternative is to continue to hurt by staying in love with a man who doesn’t really love you back…at least not in a healthy and committed way. So ask for what you want and if he isn’t willing to join you in YOUR design of a relationship, then it would be time for you to exit. You can say something like, “We have done it your way for 3 years now. I have loved you so deeply and committed to you, despite your connection with this other woman. I have reached my end and cannot do that anymore. I no longer want to compete or constantly worry that you are going to disconnect from me and go have an experience with her. What I need is a commitment from you. You are a spectacular man and I just want to continue spending time with you and laughing with you and just being with you. But in order for me to feel safe doing something like that, we need to be on the same exact page. So now that you know what page I am on, you can either join me in that design and let go of the idea of the other girl and focus on us, or it’s time for me to exit.”
3. You can just decide it’s time for you to disconnect.
The thing is, how things are right now, are really hurting you. You would not be here, looking for help, if it weren’t. So SOMETHING has to change and that change needs to come from you. It’s time for you to be very honest with what you need and fight for that. He fights for what he wants and you always concede because you want to keep him. If he is not willing to do the same for you, then again, that is something you want to know sooner than later about him.
I know whichever path you choose is extremely uncomfortable. It’s time to fight for yourself though. It’s time to allow your voice to be heard and for your voice to matter. If he doesn’t want to make your voice and your needs matter in his life, then he sure is missing out and he needs to feel the consequences of that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! 5 step brothers and sisters. That’s a lot! So you are the only child from your mom and dad? Have either of them met your guy yet?
I love how handy he is! Isn’t that a super attractive quality??? I imagine that you and I are similar in that we can figure stuff out, even if it is manual labor, building something, putting something together. So when a guy can come along and help out, it’s soooo wonderful and sexy! lol.
Having a depressed mom is tough. It’s a lot of managing the conversation, situations etc. but it sounds like he has somewhat of a handle on it. I’m so glad he has his sisters to give him a different experience of being in relationship with female energy. I have no doubt it has helped him in many ways he probably not even aware of.
It’s great that he is not involved in a lot of fires. It’s such a stressful job, both for the guy and his companion. I’ve always said I don’t want to get connected with a guy who has a life threatening job. That, in and of itself, is so darn stressful wondering if they are coming home each day.
Is this your first time skiing together? Do you know if you both are at the same level of skiing ability?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
The hike was not so fun. Too windy and it was a chilly wind. Even the dogs were struggling, so I had to cut it short. Hopefully this weekend will be much better.
I really want to encourage you to create closure with Peter, if you already haven’t. You know what it feels like to be ignored and it feels awful. Treat him the way you want to be treated.
I totally get how having a partner right now, who had money, would be nice. It would make your job hunting a lot less stressful for sure! I occasionally have that thought. It is so darn expensive where I live. It takes a lot of work to keep my life going, just by myself. Then I go back to being thankful that I CAN do it. I have the skills, the knowledge, the drive, the people skills…basically whatever I need to be successful and I put myself in a space of gratitude and remember what I DO have vs. what I don’t have. I have a great life!
I have no doubt you will be provided for. There is a GIANT, BIG present (a new job) waiting for you already, it’s just a matter of time for it to be revealed. Your only job is to keep your eyes and ears open, pay attention to the signs and keep walking forward and it is inevitable for you to find that present. I can’t wait for you to find it! This is exciting!Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I love the 8 dates book. It is his most recent release. I hope it inspires you!
As far as asking him if he is going to leave her, I would encourage you to stay away from that question and here is why. You are handing the power and responsibility of the relationship over to him. YOU need to take responsibility for what you need. By saying it the way I suggested, you are owning your own feelings, setting boundaries and then letting him decide if he wants to participate or not. This way, you are keeping your own personal power and he gets to ride along or not. By asking him what he wants to do, you are handing him your personal power and making him responsible and the decision maker. He is NOT making any healthy decisions right now. He is with her, all the while connecting with you on a daily basis. He isn’t really with her, or with you and you want HIM to decide??? He doesn’t have the ability. Why should he anyways. He gets to have everything he wants right now. Why would he change anything? Besides…even if you did ask him that question, whatever he says doesn’t matter until there is action behind his words. So what are you going to do? Wait for him to break up with her? And you really think that even if he did that, that he would completely disconnect from her? He most likely will continue some type of connection with her behind your back, just as he is doing to her, with you, right now. So again, this is about YOU deciding what you need, setting your boundary and then abiding by that boundary. This will force him into a making a decision because he WANTS to, not because you are asking him to. He will make a decision of his own free will to join you or leave you completely alone. He needs to feel that all on his own, without you forcing him into HIM making the decision directly. It has a completely different effect when YOU decide.
So if he comes back, you say you want a fresh start. What does that mean? What does that look like? Reality is, the issues that are present now do not just disappear. The issues that have been present in your marriage for a long time are still going to be there. So HOW do you make a fresh start, when nothing is fresh. If anything, more junk has been added up, because of the choices he has been making. So what steps do you require from him and yourself, to create a new marriage together?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
My guess is, he is so overwhelmed right now. Birthdays and age can really be hard for some people. I would be surprised if he got depressed along with stressing about his ex and that just zapped all of his energy to feel good about meeting with you. He would need to be somewhat emotionally available to have a conversation with you and my guess is he just didn’t have it in him. I wouldn’t take it personally. He most likely is hanging on by his fingernails and doesn’t have much to offer. If he is in survival mode, keep giving him space, send him encouragement, funny videos that will make him laugh…just stay connected little bits at a time so he knows you are still there and not mad at him. He will meet when he is ready. Until then, just continuing to connect is enough. I imagine he feels a lot like a failure and I’m sure his ex reminds him of this each time they interact. So that, in an of itself, would make him gun shy to try anything with you again. So again, being supportive, light and easy for him, is what he needs most right now.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kit,
Thank you for sharing all of this. It’s very helpful!
I think it’s important for you to understand that the issue isn’t about “awakening his heart” to you more. There is something in him, that is not allowing him to commit fully and completely to anyone. He is not willing to let go of the other girl AND he is not willing to let go of you, yet he is not willing to completely invest in either of you. He wants to keep things exactly as they are, because then he gets to stay comfortable, have the energy of both of you without having to decide anything. I can understand this if it were a newer relationship, but this has been going on for 3 years now. And he even currently says to you that he would have to think about whether or not he would date the other girl and would need to give it a try first, to see what happened. After 3 years of being with you Kit, talking on a daily basis, making plans for the future with you, he says he would have to think about whether or not he would date her and they would have to really talk about it, to see if it could work??? That had to make your heart sink! That’s awful to hear! And for him to come visit you and then tell you he doesn’t know the plans for the next day and he ends up going to visit her (which he already had planned btw and just didn’t tell you), is also pretty awful.
I understand you don’t want to lose him, but you don’t really have him either. He is not committed, but he won’t let you go. The thing is, he is doing whatever he wants. Where do you exist in this equation? Where do YOUR feelings matter? Where do YOUR needs get met? I don’t see how this is a partnership, at the foundation. I understand you talk every day and have an incredible connection and share a lot with each other, but at the foundation, he is not committed and still has the door open to this other girl. He basically is sitting right in the middle, not making any decisions AND making both of you a possibility for his life. That way he gets to have everything he wants without having to lose anything. Neither of you are holding him accountable to stop playing games, because that is exactly what he is doing.
You basically are giving him all the power and control as to how this relationship between you guys can work. He is also is living in fantasy land to think that it is okay to stay connected with you, while dating her. It is inappropriate, just as it’s inappropriate for him to be still be connecting to her while feeding the relationship with you. And because you love him and don’t want to lose him, you accept that he will do whatever he wants, hoping that someday he will change his mind. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. How would you feel if things were in exactly the same place 2 years from now? His heart is still open to the other girl, he is not committed to you and things are exactly the same as they are now. Is that okay for you?
With all of this being said, I also know that you guys have a sweet connection and you care deeply for him. If you want to keep fighting for him, then your plan is a good one. Stay silent and stop talking about your relationship and the other girl and your needs. Just keep letting him do what he wants and things will stay peaceful. You know she is there and always will be, so you might as well accept that she is part of him and let go of trying to compete with her. Just accept what he IS offering you. The more you focus on what he ISN’T offering you, you will get stressed and want to talk about it and then it leads into an argument, because truth is, he isn’t willing to change. He will run if you try to hold him accountable to anything more than what he is offering. So if you want to stay with him, it’s important for you to just accept that this is who he is.
If you are finding at some point, it is just too painful to know he is not committing to you, he not creating a future with you, he is still connecting with this other, then it would be time to set some boundaries and be willing to lose him, in efforts of caring for your heart.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
