[Heidi G]

Hi H,

Welcome! You have some great questions!

First, let’s address your need to want him to respect you. The only way for that to happen, is for you to respect yourself. When you truly respect yourself, all your decisions and behaviors align with that respect. You also will very naturally require that the people around you, respect you. You require that someone either respects you, or they will not get to be in your life. When you truly respect yourself, it’s not a behavior you “learn,” it is a something that you just are. It’s a presence that you carry. So the place to start, is to look at the areas where you are not respecting yourself. You want to pay attention to how you treat yourself and the decisions you are making on a daily basis that either add to, or take away from your happiness. We would love to hear about this, so please share what you come up with!

As far as your guy, if you want to change the pattern, then FWB is no longer an option. Again, when you respect and value you, he either will come into alignment with that, or he will walk away. If he walks away, you need to let him walk away, because if he isn’t interested in treating you with respect and value, then he is NOT the guy for you.

What is it that you are doing that makes things too easy for him?? I know you have slept with him a few times, but besides that, what else are you doing that makes him feel he doesn’t have to work for you or chase you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi M,

I like your plan. I agree in that trying too hard to get his attention will come across as being a little desperate. Reality is, he just isn’t that available. For him to say he hopes he doesn’t have too much homework so he can see you…that is a very non committal response and is a guy who isn’t that invested in wanting to connect. School is his priority and that’s where he wants it to stay. So honoring that is really important.

I love the idea of you getting really clear about what you want and working on yourself.

How about starting with what I call “the non negotiable list.”

It’s a list of qualities that MUST exist in your guy, that you cannot live without. These qualities are truly non-negotiable. Meaning, without these qualities, the relationship will never last.

Here are some of my examples:
1. Romantic
2. Active
3. Loves dogs and all animals
4. Emotionally intelligent
5. Spiritual

Every single one of these qualities are things that needs to exist in a relationship with me if it is going to have sustainability. I cannot survive in a relationship where there isn’t romance. I cannot survive in a relationship with a guy who is not interested in being active in his life. I cannot survive in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t love dogs (I do A LOT of dog sitting. It’s part of what feeds my soul). Does this list make sense??

Have fun with it and share it here. We can keep helping you through the process of it, but for now, just write it all down.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello R,

Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have a tough situation going on. I can see why this would be really hard to let him go. It sounds like you both had a really great connection and a good friendship that you were building.

At this point, I think it would be feasible to at least re-establish the friendship, but not to push for anything more. How long was he married? There are sooo many layers of emotions about getting divorced. It takes quite a bit of time to heal from something like that. He wasn’t ready. Although you were obviously very tempting for him and he felt things with you, it just was bad timing. I’m glad he honored himself and is letting himself take more time to heal and be in his “man cave” to figure out his life as a single person now.

I think being friends could be a good thing for awhile. When and if he does feel ready, I have no doubt he will reach out. But if you push him or show up at his house again…you will lose him. It’s really important that you respect his boundary. He needs to feel safe with you. So if you show up as a friend and respect his needs, I imagine you guys could really have some fun with each other over time.

Is this something you are willing to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi NM,

I want to encourage to not be angry with yourself. Be kind and compassionate and caring towards yourself. If you think about it, this guy helped expose parts where you are not so connected with yourself. Finding those parts of ourselves is SO IMPORTANT if we are going to heal, become stronger, raise our self esteem and learn about ourselves. This guy has given you a BIG GIFT of your SELF by exposing some areas that you need to work on. This is great! You can see those parts, work on connecting better with yourself, so you can attract a healthier man in the future. It’s very easy and quite common for us ladies to want to connect with a man sooooo badly, that we ignore the red flags and we lose ourselves in efforts to attract a man. Now that you know that is in you, you are going to be more cautious, you are going to stay better connected to yourself, you are going to give higher value to red flags, you are going to slow things down etc. These are all great things! So be thankful for what you are learning about yourself instead of being angry at yourself for not getting it right or messing up or overextending yourself so you could connect with him. We have all done it! So you learn, you grow and do better next time. That’s what life is all about!

You have only lost all of your chances, if that is what you choose to believe. If you want to believe their is someone out there that can be a good partner for you, then that is what is waiting for you! Of course there are no guarantees in life about anything, but I personally choose to believe there is someone out there for me, because it feels better. I don’t live my life “waiting” for him. I live my life fully and completely every day. Whenever he comes along, is whenever he comes along. Until then, my job is to become the very person I can be. My job is be happy and feel whole and complete every day. When I live my life that way, whenever I meet him, he will add to my life, not complete my life. When I meet him, I won’t be so desperate for connection, because I am really connected to myself and am so happy with how my life is already. This is the kind peace and happiness you want to fight for WITHOUT a man first.

Here is also a good person to follow. Sign up for her newsletter and listen to the video. She has a lot of good stuff. I got the coloring book. It’s really fun!!!

https://www.arielleford.com/

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is all so spectacular! I love the examples you shared. It actually will make him want you even more when you are not so available. It helps him feel your independence and it helps him know that your life doesn’t revolve around his…which is what many women end up doing, because they want to connect so badly.

So tell me…what do you think has changed within you, that you are responding differently to this guy? I remember the stories you used to feed in you mind when a guy would not respond quickly or make plans with you. You are a very different Emilie with this guy. I’m sure he is part of the reason why you are responding differently, but also something in you has shifted. I love it!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Saruga,

Yes, close the door. He is not showing any sign of being interested and he was very clear about not having those kinds of feelings for you. Close the door and move on with your life. Release the idea of him and free yourself from the torture of it. Him liking your pictures or commenting on them is just being friendly, that’s all.

If you close the door, you can completely heal and then open the door to someone else.

Tell me about the kind of guy you would like to end up with. I’d love to hear about him.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Vino,

You are having some amazing realizations about yourself! I love your strength to be able to see all of that about yourself and know that it’s just an area to work on.

I’m so bummed that fun guy has disappeared. It sucks! I’m glad he is going now instead of meeting in person and then disappearing. Even though he was fun, he doesn’t have much integrity. Your mind is making him sooooo fun that it’s all you can think about. Expand your vision and also remember that he is ghosting you. That is a guy who doesn’t have integrity. That is a guy who doesn’t have the strength to be honest and authentic. That is a guy who is too scared to communicate what he needs to say. He is flat out ignoring you. YUUUUKKK! Fun guy is fun, but that’s about as far as it goes!

I like to view those kinds of situations as a gift. Even though it didn’t work out in the way you wanted, he gave you a taste of what is possible. You actually got to experience what that was like…which means you now have it in your experience to KNOW it’s possible…not just imagine it. Now that you know, you want to look for that similar feeling in a future experience and DO NOT SETTLE for anything less than that. Having that kind of fun is REALLY important for you, so it needs to be at the top of your priority list of qualities that are essential for you in a relationship.

You did nothing wrong. Him ghosting has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I don’t know why he ghosted and his reasons don’t matter. All you need to know is that he ghosted and that is enough information to know that he is not the kind of guy you want in your life.

Keep having patience Vino. I know you are getting tired of all of it. Usually when I get to that point, I know I either need to shift perspective or it’s time for me to take a break. The moment I find myself not feeling grounded and centered while online, I exit for awhile and work on whatever is triggering me. Maybe it’s time you take a break and really work on learning to value yourself just as much as men AND learning to value women as much men. This will bring you much more into balance, which will then attract a much more higher functioning man. Just a thought.

And just a quick reference to the article, I completely get where you are coming from. Arranged marriages can be really be awful. I have also come across a few that were quite beautiful and turned out really well…one was an Indian couple and actually I am still friends with them. So I imagine that is more the perspective the author was trying to portray. A commitment to work on things and create a sustainable, happy marriage can surpass any differences in compatibility.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sam,

Wow! What a shock for you! I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Of course this is very confusing and heartbreaking.

Let’s see what we can do to help bring clarity to this situation.

I’m a little confused. You said he is in another state and lives 6 houses down from his mother, but he stops by every once awhile to grab some things. So I’m not sure I understand the living situation. How often do you see other? Do you have contact between those times? How often are you guys texting/talking or connecting?

I think there is so much going on here. First, it’s not your fault that HE feels like you are burden. If that is his perspective, that is HIS challenge he needs to face. It’s not for YOU to fix HIS feelings. In a healthy marriage, both people take responsibility for how they are feeling and then they come together and talk about it. There is NO BLAME. It’s more about figuring out ways to work better together and if there are bigger feelings, each person is working on themselves to solve the challenges.

You are responsible for your own happiness and wellbeing and THAT’S IT! He is responsible for his own happiness and well being. So let’s look at what you want from the relationship. If you spend this entire time focusing on him and making sure HE is happy, you will lose yourself and then your marriage is no better off. He did say that you need to “find yourself.” He must be sensing something about you that makes him say that. Do you have any idea what he means by that?

I’m glad he is willing to see a counselor! Is that something you are willing to do as well?

If he did come back, from your perspective, how would you want the relationship to change? Or did you feel happy exactly how things were?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Saruga,

I get it. There really are just some people who can get under our skin in a very different way. I had 1 guy like that. It took me about 2 years to get over him. Still to this day, if I were to ever run into him, I have no doubt the butterflies would swarm my stomach and make me feel like I was in Jr. High again. He is the only one who could do that to me. Why? Who knows…I have theories, but it doesn’t really matter. We had a wonderful time while it lasted. It was the best relationship ever and it was only meant for season. I wasn’t willing to close the door, which is why it took so long to really release him. The sooner you are able to close the door completely, the sooner you will feel peace about him. Each time you think about him and feel your emotions starting to get activated, you stop yourself and say “No, he is not your person. It’s over.” Then maybe turn your thoughts to the potential guy who is waiting for you somewhere to cross paths with him. Imagine he can’t take his eyes off you. Imagine he is completely into you and finds you interesting and beautiful and engaging. Imagine he wants to have a relationship with you. Imagine that he will chase you and fight for you.

This is a really fun option for you. I have this coloring book and each time I color in it, I turn on my music playlist that is all love songs, I light a candle, I set my intention and then just have so much fun coloring. It’s specifically designed to attract your “soul mate.” Maybe this is something that can help…

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

This is a great question! I love talking about the word “selfish.” I find it really interesting how people throw that word around so easily and how it has such a bad connotation. Let’s look at it from a different perspective.

Selfish really is just getting your need met, even at the expense of another person. I would say your friend is being selfish then. He is not really interested in knowing you. He doesn’t involve you in conversations and only really talks about himself. He uses you to get his needs met. He uses you for your listening ears and kind heart and doesn’t really offer much in return. He is being quite selfish and he gets to be that! You could actually use him as a role model. He is very good about meeting his needs.

I would say that it is more damaging to care more about someone else with you being excluded from the situation. When you consistently care more about someone else, at the expense of yourself, then you are doing YOURSELF harm. Of course, there are times that is going to happen in relationship, but it’s not damaging, because it’s just every once in awhile. With this guy, it’s every single time. It’s obvious he is not really interested in knowing you, so wouldn’t you say it’s quite appropriate to just accept that he is not the kind of friend that nourishes you? Is that selfish to care about your heart and how you are feeling around someone??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Annika,

Oh goodness. I am so sorry for your frustrations and the loss of him! It’s such a bummer that he has such little time. My guess is, he is just looking for occasional hookups or super short “fun times” because he doesn’t have the ability or time to get serious on level. So the best way to do that, is to just keep things light and fun. Tinder is known for that…it’s the “hookup” app. I know you guys had a great time every single time you were able to meet up and that’s what makes this so difficult. Reality is Annika, to only have met up 3x in 3-4 months is not enough. The amount of work it takes just to find a time to meet, is quite a huge barrier that will create a lot of frustration on both sides…which is why I imagine he doesn’t want to date seriously. You probably tempted him since he had such a good time, but he still has to live in the reality of an attorney’s workaholic life. That is his focus and that is where he wants to live. Workaholics are REALLY difficult to be in relationship with. You barely see them, their only focus is work and you will always be second to his work. Plans get canceled, dinners go cold and more often than not, you will be left waiting and waiting and waiting for him to show up all the time or waiting to get that text that he can’t make it, because he has work to finish. You already have some experience of what it’s like to schedule with him. It’s extremely difficult. That, in and of itself, is a barrier to intimacy right from the start.

If he really wanted intimacy and relationship in his life, he would design his life differently. Workaholics are no different than any other addict…they are running from something. Work is a distraction, relief, excuse to not feel or face whatever it is they are carrying deep inside their hearts. He is not really interested in something meaningful. His love relationship is with work and he gets to live like that. He has found a way to still date, have sex and not really have to enter into anything more serious…he gets to use work as an excuse.

Thoughts about all of this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

Okay! It’s been 2 months!!! Wooohooo! So far, from all the guys you have mentioned, he has the most potential. He isn’t playing any games, you are wondering how he feels about you, he is showing up consistently….that must feel sooooo good for right now! I know time will tell, but for right now, it’s just so refreshing to hear all of this from you, especially after all the crap that has shown up over the past year or so.

A ski weekend will be great! Being around each other in that way, seeing a little bit about how to travel together and how the flow will go, will be some good things to discover with each other. I hope it goes well!

I really am enjoying the pace at which you guys are getting to know each other. It seems comfortable, no pressure and just enjoying each other when you are able to meet up 1-2 times per week and not trying to rush into anything deeper….just going with the flow. I’m sure he values that quite a bit. Women can tend to really want to rush things and see the guy more and want more more more…especially when they feel there is potential for something more serious.

I can’t wait to hear about the ski weekend!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lisa,

Wow…this has to be so difficult for you!

I want you to notice a pattern here. When you became desperate and started begging and pleading, he lost respect for you. That is a very normal response for people in general. Both men and women truly desire to know their partner will be okay without them. They want to feel that secure, solid self esteem in their partner. Once their partner becomes needy and desperate, it’s a complete turnoff. He is showing this to you in various ways. The moment you start to miss him and become “needy” for his connection and attention, he pulls away. The moment you become more grounded and centered in yourself, he becomes more available and connective. I know it’s not to the level that you want, but it’s still something. His behavior is telling you exactly what he is looking for from you. He wants confidence, he wants you to respect yourself, he wants you to BELIEVE you are the best thing that ever happened to him!

The very first thing you need to start doing, is connecting to your SELF. You are loving him more than yourself. You are fighting for him, at the expense of yourself. You are willing to do anything and everything, just to have him in your life. You are willing to ignore the fact that he is having an affair. You are willing to take him back, no matter what. That communicates to him, that you don’t respect yourself very much. That communicates to him that he can do whatever he wants in his life and there are no consequences with you. You will always take him back. That communicates to him that you are needy and desperate….all of these things lead to him not really respecting you. If he doesn’t respect you, he will not desire you sexually (especially if he is still getting what he wants from the other girl).

The way to fix this, is to start respecting yourself, loving yourself and connecting to the amazingness that you are…WITHOUT needing to know that from him. When you truly connect to that and act and live your life from that very powerful place, you will become more attractive to him. When you respect you and then expect to be treated as such, he will start to align with that. People treat you the way you expect to be treated. So if you love yourself, respect yourself, care about your heart, even in the worst moments, you will require people to treat you the same way and if they don’t…they just don’t align with you and they will fall away. And if they fall away from your life, you will be okay with because you know you deserve to be treated well and anything less than that, is not okay for you.

Does this make sense?

So let’s start with this. Tell us your favorite qualities about yourself. What makes you a really great partner to be with?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Brenda,

Man…this is really tough what you are going through. I am so sorry! It is so difficult to watch your best friend and the guy you want to be with, slip through your fingers. It’s awful.

I want to encourage you to NOT apologize. There is nothing to apologize for. You were setting a VERY APPROPRIATE boundary. He DOES need to go deal with his life. If he is unhappy in his marriage, he needs to go say something and not hide from it. He is doing the same thing with you as well. He is hiding. He is not being authentic. This is something you really need to pay attention to. He is showing you how he handles stress and hurt. He doesn’t communicate. How in the world can any woman know who he REALLY is or how he REALLY feels if he doesn’t communicate and is not honest and authentic? It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who hides what they are feeling.

Like Kanya said, it’s important for you to really focus on yourself right now. He has really caused some harm both to you and to his wife and family. Honor him enough to let him sit with his choices and deal with them. Honor yourself enough to not get involved with a married man. You setting that boundary, even if it was from fear and insecurity, was the healthiest thing you could have done!

You deserve to have a man who is available for you. You deserve to have a man who will fight for you and can’t imagine going a single day without talking or connecting to you. You deserve to have a man who has the strength to be honest with you, even in the hardest moments. You deserve to have a man who can give his whole heart to you. Reality is, your guy is not that person. Fight for more in your life. Let him go, heal your heart so you can open it to someone who has the ability to offer you what you deserve.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi M,

When you guys go out on dates, is he flirty at all? Are you flirty? I am wondering if there any chemistry exchange. Obviously you like him, but is there anything he is doing that would encourage you that he might like you more than a friend?

I get his need to focus on school right now. Men, in general, have a very hard time working on advancing their life AND having a relationship (unless the relationship is already established). Starting a new relationship during this time, could be super difficult for him and he may not even want to, as it can be a big distraction.

I know you want more effort from him. It just may not be his mindset at the moment. You said you have known him for a long time. How long? What kind of relationship did you have before you asked him out 6 months ago?

I like your plan a lot. Give it a shot and see what happens. What do you plan to ask him for help with?

Heidi

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