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Hi Cynthia,
How fun that you went to the meetup! I’m glad you ended up having a good time. Doing something different is always a good thing. Even if something doesn’t turn out so well, the action of doing something different or novel is very good for the psyche. It’s actually important in marriages as well. It helps keep things more alive between the couple to do novel things on a monthly basis. It doesn’t have to be anything “crazy” it just needs to be something different compared to what you guys normally do. For example, if you never go out to eat, then that would be a novel activity. That’s down the road though. My point is, keep it up! Keep exposing yourself to different environments and activities as it will feed your soul.
Birth order definitely has an affect on the dynamics in a relationship. I currently don’t know of any articles or books that talk about that specifically. Most of the books I am connected with are about understanding the differences of the sexes and how to improve relationships. Maybe it’s time to read Men are from Mars book. Or maybe you can dive into the 5 Love Languages book. Those kinds of books will help you understand your marriage as well as give you tools about how to repair what has been broken.
It sounds like maybe you have shifted about meeting with him. Have you decided not to set a boundary about that? If so, what have you decided you want to do, moving forward?
As far as your conversation about your marriage, it sounds like that was a nice acknowledgement between the both of you and it was just left at that. Those moments can feel really nice. If you continue to meet, maybe keep creating those moments, to remind him of the good times you both had together and the best parts of the marriage that existed. You can go down memory lane of some great times together to help remind him of the love you guys share. That’s a type of technique than may be able to switch things around. At this point, your still in a tough situation in that I imagine he might feel a lot of obligation towards this woman…maybe even more than “love” because of how much loss she has gone through. If you think about it, him breaking up with her would be a very challenging thing because of how fragile she is and the loss she already gone through. You are independent and much stronger and trusts you will be okay with or without him (which is great by the way). He most likely doesn’t feel that about her, so he may stay hooked for awhile more out of concern for her and not wanting to hurt her, because he doesn’t trust she will be okay.
Do you feel this may be a dynamic affecting everything?
Heidi
ooooh! haha! I get it! You do such an incredible job with English. I’m always very impressed. I always have such envy for those that learn other languages. I started to learn French about a year ago, as I was planning a trip to France, but all of it feel through. I was thinking to still go to France, but to also sign up for a language school and do the whole immersion thing. I think French is one of the most beautiful languages! I’m not so good at language, but I would love to learn bits at a time and maybe by the time I’m 70, I’ll be fluent…lol. Besides, it’s really good for the brain!
Well…your focus for 2019 has really paid off for you. You are reaping the benefits of all the work you put into yourself and valuing yourself more. Well done Emilie. You are staring off this new relationship in a way that will allow it to have the greatest success!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
It’s much easier said than done to “just stop doing that.” If it were THAT easy, we would all be healed by now…lol. Reality is, you are reacting the way you are for very valid reasons. You guys do have a history of certain behaviors together. You have your own wounds that are influencing your reactions AND there are some unhealthy aspect of your relationship you are having a hard time accepting and your emotional system is wanting those things to change so you can finally feel happy with him. You have A LOT that you are carrying inside of your emotional body, which is why you react the way you do. You can’t just “turn it off.” All that stuff just doesn’t go away. Again, you might want to consider working with someone on a deeper level to help you release the baggage you are carrying around inside. Your relationship will be sooooo much easier, once you release your own stuff that you are carrying around.
Either way, I’m glad that this time around, you controlled your reaction more and you just went with the flow. It all turned out okay!!! That’s good for you to experience!
Heidi
Hi Madi,
Thank you for sharing more details. This makes a lot more sense.
I’m wondering why your best friend was saying all those things to him and not you. I’m wondering where you were fighting for yourself in the relationship. All along, he never really was committed to you both through actions and words. It sounds like he always had part of his energy connecting with other women, which is a huge red flag. It doesn’t sound like he has the capability of really, truly giving his whole heart to someone.
He may say he “loves” you, but his actions are not in alignment with that. It sounds like he has all the right words though, which is what is hooking you into sleeping with him again. Actions need to support words, otherwise it’s all just words. I imagine how he treated you (whatever your friend was confronting him about) and his energy extending out to other women as well, didn’t make you feel good.
What was YOUR experience of the relationship? Did you feel good with him? About yourself? Did you feel emotionally safe with him? Did you feel stability in the relationship with him? Did you feel like you could count on him for anything you needed? Did you feel listened to and valued?
Heidi
Hi Heather,
First, be kind to yourself. Have compassion for your journey. If anything, he is giving you a gift. He is helping you wake up to how you feel about yourself. He is helping you wake up to how you are NOT respecting yourself. Many, many times, we need to learn the hard way. We need to pain to help us remember to not go there again and make those kinds of decisions that betray ourselves. Pain is a gift. Pain is such a good teacher and sometimes a very necessary teacher. You don’t need to get mad at yourself and add to the pain. The very BEST thing you can do is to love yourself through it. Be thankful for him treating you this way, so you could wake up to the choices you are making that are causing you harm. Be kind as you are just learning…that’s all. You will make harmful decisions for the rest of your life. It’s just part of every single person’s life, no matter how smart, how healed how “evolved” one is…yucky decisions are just part of life. It’s all good! What matters is how you treat yourself during those times. Stay connected to yourself. You are doing the very best that you know how and that is all that matters. You are learning and that is all that matters. You will do better next time.
As far as him playing games, I have no doubt the connection when you are together is wonderful and real for him. Regardless, he is an out of sight out of mind kind of guy with you, so that connection, when in person, is not enough. He is not able to carry that over to when you are not together and that is just not okay. It’s harmful and hurtful and it’s supposed to hurt, because he is sending very mixed messages. The only way for things to change, is for you to change and not participate anymore. Respect yourself, love yourself and choose yourself over him.
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
He obviously is triggering some very deep stuff you have been carrying around since childhood. This is a REALLY good time to feel everything you need to feel and release it all. It is soooo helpful to release old wounds and baggage! You will feel so much lighter! Have you ever worked with a therapist or coach? Is that something that is possible for you?
Here is a video that may help:
Are you journaling? How are you dealing with the emotions that are coming up for you???
Heidi
Hi Cynthia!
Thank you for the update and sharing all of this. I’m glad you are liking Helen Fisher’s book. I enjoyed that book very much as well!
One thin you need to understand that is different about men, is that it is very effective to give them concrete things to work on, in order for them to understand (generally speaking of course). So to say, “I want a better marriage” most men will look like a deer in headlights trying to interpret what that actually means. You always want to follow that kind of statement up with SPECIFIC ACTION and DETAILS about what that means TO YOU. You always want to make sure you are on the same page!!! You don’t want to just say, “I want us to communicate better” you want to finish that with “which means we need some help to learn some new skills about how we can better do this. I personally feel like I could do better by……and what I would like from you would be……” “Here is a book or a program that I think would be helpful for us to understand each other a little better. Let’s read through this together, we can meet once a week for date night and let’s talk about all of this…our struggles, our questions, our successes.”
Does this make sense?? You have to get VERY CLEAR about what EXACTLY you are wanting to have change if he is going to come back to you. He needs to agree and WANT those same changes, otherwise you guys will fall back into old patterns. It’s old, but another good book is “Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray.
So in your conversation, it’s about agreeing to specific ACTIONS you both will take to improve the marriage, your needs have been stated and heard as well as his and then you figure out a plan about how to work towards both of your needs.
As far as him going to her house to do everything he wouldn’t do at his own house, ask him about that. I get you are angry about that…who wouldn’t be? What if you created a safe space for him to open up with you about why? You might get some really good insight into what he was really doing, if he even has awareness of it. So you could say something like “I truly am curious and wish to understand you better. How was it helping you to go to her house and fix everything, yet you had no motivation to do it at our house?”
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
So what do you think helped you shift your mindset? What I’m trying to get at, is the deeper part of you that you connected to more strongly. When we want connection “at all cost” we are not loving ourselves very well. So something in you, is loving and caring and connecting to your SELF more than him. He is, of course, valuable, but you are keeping yourself as a priority as well. I’m curious if there were some realizations you came to, or some work you did with your Coach or what you did to get to this point. Maybe it was just time and you were really ready to shift and change that pattern you used to have. Just being curious…
”
And you said this: “he had his wife’s best friend birthday tomorrow night so he couldn’t make it” His wife?? I’m sure that was a typo…Heidi
Hi Vino!
Thank you for sharing so much! You are in such a wonderful place of self discovery, as painful as it is. Let’s look at some of the questions/statements you have made.“But still, I feel like my pain has somehow not been acknowledged or ‘seen’. Why?” This is because you haven’t fully acknowledged or seen your own pain. You have buried it for many years. Burying is not healing. Burying is ignoring. You never told anyone about your true feelings. You pretended to be a family on many occasions, despite how much it tortured you inside. So your pain has not even really, truly and deeply been acknowledged even by you. You went into survival mode and ignored and hid what you were feeling in order to create the best environment you could for your children and those around. When you do that, the pain can lessen for awhile, as it is buried, but it will always re-surface until one day, you actually deal with it, face it, forgive and release. It’s like have a big, giant gash on your arm. Instead of cleaning it completely, you sewed it up with all the dirt and infection inside. The skin may have healed, but the dirt and bacteria is still in there, so it never really heals. And when something of a similar nature shows up again in your life (i.e. status quo) that injury gets re-triggered.
That’s why whenever strong emotions come up, I IMMEDIATELY deal with them, while they are raw and real, before my defenses come in to bury them. I was masterful at burying and still can be, if I am not careful. That’s my survival mechanism as well. And it’s a good survival mechanism to help us survive as children, but then it no longer serves us as adults…it actually ends up hurting us in many different ways. That’s when we have to start to choose to handle things differently, as their are greater consequences to burying as an adult compared to being a child.
Does this make sense?
“When you add pain to a surface that hasn’t healed yet, it hurts more. I hate him so much. I wish I could beat him up. I wish I could tell the whole world what a horrible human being he is.” Of course you feel this. He said some horrible things to you, none of which are true. Anyone would feel angry and revengeful! This is the part where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness does not mean you forget, as it’s important you always remember. Forgiveness is about releasing the negative emotions you feel about the person or event. One way to get the process started, is by following any statement you make in your head with “and I choose forgiveness.” For example, “I hate him so much, and I choose forgiveness.” “I wish I could beat him up, and I choose forgiveness.” It’s okay that you don’t feel forgiveness at the moment, it’s more about consciously making a choice and letting your spirit/mind know that you are choosing forgiveness no matter what. You can also go to youtube and type in EFT tapping. There are TONS of tapping patterns that can help release those strong feelings and take your closer to forgiveness. There is also this prayer: A HUGE part of forgiveness is also about forgiving yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Forgiving yourself for your choices. This is a really good prayer for that as well.
The Ho’oponopono Prayer can be offered to any aspect of life not working out or incomplete, past grievances especially involving people one hasn’t forgiven, experiences one hasn’t let go of, etc. One dedicates oneself sincerely from the heart and soul to each incident one can find, and to all people one has hurt and has been hurt by.
Once true forgiveness has arisen from the original state, one can find a new sense of wholeness and completion. A person may reprogram their brain to see their life and background in a whole new way. The practice can help see, dissolve and release old experiences – especially the roots of which came from childhood.
Say it over and over to let go of old baggage, resentment and negative energy:
“I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.”Is this helpful? Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I get how you are feeling. He didn’t really do a good job of validating what you brought up. I thought you did a great job expressing what you wanted/needed! He just is missing the mark. My guess is, just like you are afraid of being accused of being “needy” he probably is afraid of you becoming “needy” and wanting something from him he can’t offer. So he might be more concerned about avoiding a fight than really being present with you. Another step you could maybe have taken in that text conversation is asking for what you really needed to hear from him. You could say something like, “Since I won’t see you Saturday, when is the next time that I will get to have you all to myself? I have some things I wants to do to you ;)” That will keep him engaged, help him feel wanted, help alleviate any fear that you are angry or hurt that he couldn’t give you what you wanted on Saturday and it’s on the lighter, flirty side…which is fun.
You are right…this doesn’t have to be a big thing. It’s gonna take baby steps, for both of you, trying to navigate. He is not a mind reader and would have clue what you were really fishing for in that moment. So take the time to teach him and have patience that he is not always going to get it. So when he doesn’t get it, ask for what you need. Guide him and inspire him to give you what you need. And when he does…reward him. He cares, he just needs some direction. Most people do as we all navigate trying to merge 2 very different worlds together.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
Oh wow….I feel your heart breaking. I am so sad to hear this and I am so sorry for all the suffering you are going through. It’s devastating to find this out and feel lied to, betrayed and feel taken advantage of. He had plenty of opportunities to tell you the truth about what was true for him and he didn’t take them. There are no words to explain the deep pain that causes.
Keep writing here Sharon. Write anything and everything you would like to say to him. If not here, then journal. If you don’t want to journal, keep screaming in your house. One breakup I had, I used a digital recorder and kept it in my car and I talked into it for hours! Every time I was in the car, I just talked to him. Some days I missed him and cried and other days I was so angry. The point of it is, what is most important is for you to keep the feeling and emotions going. Keep the energy moving and it will eventually lessen. It’s sooooo intense right now, but that will change if you keep working with it. Draw a stick figure with his name and face on it, pin it up to a tree and throw eggs at it. Take a tennis racket and beat a pillow with it. Put on some angry or sad and hurtful music and dance everything that you are feeling. Write letters to him and then burn them.
Right now, you have got to take care of yourself and let all of that emotion out in every possible way you can. THEN…you can decide what needs to happen next. Right now, none of that matters. Right now, what matters most is you and you taking care of yourself. You have a big open gash and you need immediate, emergency treatment to stop the hemorrhaging. That treatment is you loving yourself through this, allowing your feelings to come out in safe and healthy ways and giving yourself some space from him. Stay away from facebook and any other social media. Stop looking at his life and give yourself some time to get back on your feet. Once you are more stable and grounded in your center, you can decide the next steps.
I am so so sorry Sharon!
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
Isn’t this so interesting?? The dynamics are crazy. When he has all your attention and then some, he doesn’t want it. When you pull away, he runs after you. But this tells you exactly what needs to happen…mostly for YOU Daniel. I want you to be really clear about that. Yes, it is getting him to respond to you, but the choices you made to go live your own life and be INDEPENDENT of him, is more for you than anything. You have been living your life around him and for him and have lost yourself in that process. You need to find yourself again. So yes, keep your plans for Friday night. You go live your life. Making simple decisions like that IS you respecting you. DO MORE OF IT and find yourself again!!!
Yes, I would suggest to cut out the kissing and cuddling as well. Basically, he has designed the relationship to where he gets to have whatever he wants, at the expense of you. He will say “I love you,” kiss you, chase after you, but reality is…none of it is committing to anything. So for right now, keep focus on yourself and create lots of things in your life that put a smile on your face, make you laugh, make you feel awe, make you feel good and make you know yourself deeper and deeper. The more you do this, the more he will start to feel YOU instead of this lost little puppy who is defined by him. The more boundaries you set, the more you create a life separate than him, the more he will get to know you again.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi H,
Thank you for sharing all of that! First, I want to keep encouraging you to work on your healing. That kind of abuse has MANY layers to it. You ABSOLUTELY can get to a place where you respect yourself, especially with men. You ABSOLUTELY can completely heal from trauma like that.
The thing about this guy, is he is only interested in sex. He told you he only wants to be friends, so it’s important that you listen to that. He is flirty and connective, because it opens you up and makes you willing to drive all that way to go have sex. It’s a 6 hour drive!
He stays connective until the next day or 2 and then disappears. He gets to do this with you, because you allow him and you are teaching him that this is okay for you.So let’s look at what is going on for you on a deeper level, that feels okay to be treated like this. I know it feels awful, but you are still participating. Some part of you is caring more about connecting for 1 or 2 nights with this guy, than the harm it is causing you. You barely know this guy, yet you are wanting to fight for him. Are you starving for connection? Is the feeling of being wanted, even if it is just for a few nights, really powerful for you?
Heidi
Hi R,
I think writing a letter could do some good, but I would keep it short and super simple.
You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our time together. I have come to realize how even though our connection was great, I really pushed you beyond what you were ready for. I wasn’t very patient and I didn’t listen to your boundaries and what you needed very well. I truly apologize. I could have supported you better. You are a really great guy and I had a lot of fun just talking! I would still love to be friends and go hang out every once in awhile. If you are ever up for it, you know how to find me. If not, that’s okay too. I just mainly wanted to apologize.”
How does something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Madi,
Welcome! We are glad you are hear and sharing your challenges with us.
I completely get why you are so confused. he is definitely sending you mixed messages and it’s crazy making. How could you possibly know what is true and real for him when it changes so much?
What were the reasons that he gave you for breaking up?
Being that he doesn’t really know what he wants, it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you create some clarity about what you want. I know you want him back, but your actions of hooking up with him and occasionally talking is you joining HIS design of confusion. Meaning, you are allowing him to be confused with you. When you are clear, have standards and require to be treated a specific way, he will either come into alignment with those standards or he won’t. If you think about it, he doesn’t really need to commit to you when he can hook up with you anytime he wants. He knows he can reach out and connect with you, then ignore you, then connect again, then ignore again…without any consequence. You say yes every time, so essentially you are teaching him it’s okay to treat you this way.
Are you willing to set some boundaries with this guy? Are you willing to say no more sex and possibly lose him in efforts of setting some standards as to how you are treated?
Heidi
