[Heidi G]

Hi Vino!
Thank you for sharing so much! You are in such a wonderful place of self discovery, as painful as it is. Let’s look at some of the questions/statements you have made.

“But still, I feel like my pain has somehow not been acknowledged or ‘seen’. Why?” This is because you haven’t fully acknowledged or seen your own pain. You have buried it for many years. Burying is not healing. Burying is ignoring. You never told anyone about your true feelings. You pretended to be a family on many occasions, despite how much it tortured you inside. So your pain has not even really, truly and deeply been acknowledged even by you. You went into survival mode and ignored and hid what you were feeling in order to create the best environment you could for your children and those around. When you do that, the pain can lessen for awhile, as it is buried, but it will always re-surface until one day, you actually deal with it, face it, forgive and release. It’s like have a big, giant gash on your arm. Instead of cleaning it completely, you sewed it up with all the dirt and infection inside. The skin may have healed, but the dirt and bacteria is still in there, so it never really heals. And when something of a similar nature shows up again in your life (i.e. status quo) that injury gets re-triggered.

That’s why whenever strong emotions come up, I IMMEDIATELY deal with them, while they are raw and real, before my defenses come in to bury them. I was masterful at burying and still can be, if I am not careful. That’s my survival mechanism as well. And it’s a good survival mechanism to help us survive as children, but then it no longer serves us as adults…it actually ends up hurting us in many different ways. That’s when we have to start to choose to handle things differently, as their are greater consequences to burying as an adult compared to being a child.

Does this make sense?

“When you add pain to a surface that hasn’t healed yet, it hurts more. I hate him so much. I wish I could beat him up. I wish I could tell the whole world what a horrible human being he is.” Of course you feel this. He said some horrible things to you, none of which are true. Anyone would feel angry and revengeful! This is the part where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness does not mean you forget, as it’s important you always remember. Forgiveness is about releasing the negative emotions you feel about the person or event. One way to get the process started, is by following any statement you make in your head with “and I choose forgiveness.” For example, “I hate him so much, and I choose forgiveness.” “I wish I could beat him up, and I choose forgiveness.” It’s okay that you don’t feel forgiveness at the moment, it’s more about consciously making a choice and letting your spirit/mind know that you are choosing forgiveness no matter what. You can also go to youtube and type in EFT tapping. There are TONS of tapping patterns that can help release those strong feelings and take your closer to forgiveness. There is also this prayer: A HUGE part of forgiveness is also about forgiving yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Forgiving yourself for your choices. This is a really good prayer for that as well.

The Ho’oponopono Prayer can be offered to any aspect of life not working out or incomplete, past grievances especially involving people one hasn’t forgiven, experiences one hasn’t let go of, etc. One dedicates oneself sincerely from the heart and soul to each incident one can find, and to all people one has hurt and has been hurt by.
Once true forgiveness has arisen from the original state, one can find a new sense of wholeness and completion. A person may reprogram their brain to see their life and background in a whole new way. The practice can help see, dissolve and release old experiences – especially the roots of which came from childhood.
Say it over and over to let go of old baggage, resentment and negative energy:
“I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.”

Is this helpful? Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa,

I get how you are feeling. He didn’t really do a good job of validating what you brought up. I thought you did a great job expressing what you wanted/needed! He just is missing the mark. My guess is, just like you are afraid of being accused of being “needy” he probably is afraid of you becoming “needy” and wanting something from him he can’t offer. So he might be more concerned about avoiding a fight than really being present with you. Another step you could maybe have taken in that text conversation is asking for what you really needed to hear from him. You could say something like, “Since I won’t see you Saturday, when is the next time that I will get to have you all to myself? I have some things I wants to do to you ;)” That will keep him engaged, help him feel wanted, help alleviate any fear that you are angry or hurt that he couldn’t give you what you wanted on Saturday and it’s on the lighter, flirty side…which is fun.

You are right…this doesn’t have to be a big thing. It’s gonna take baby steps, for both of you, trying to navigate. He is not a mind reader and would have clue what you were really fishing for in that moment. So take the time to teach him and have patience that he is not always going to get it. So when he doesn’t get it, ask for what you need. Guide him and inspire him to give you what you need. And when he does…reward him. He cares, he just needs some direction. Most people do as we all navigate trying to merge 2 very different worlds together.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharon,

Oh wow….I feel your heart breaking. I am so sad to hear this and I am so sorry for all the suffering you are going through. It’s devastating to find this out and feel lied to, betrayed and feel taken advantage of. He had plenty of opportunities to tell you the truth about what was true for him and he didn’t take them. There are no words to explain the deep pain that causes.

Keep writing here Sharon. Write anything and everything you would like to say to him. If not here, then journal. If you don’t want to journal, keep screaming in your house. One breakup I had, I used a digital recorder and kept it in my car and I talked into it for hours! Every time I was in the car, I just talked to him. Some days I missed him and cried and other days I was so angry. The point of it is, what is most important is for you to keep the feeling and emotions going. Keep the energy moving and it will eventually lessen. It’s sooooo intense right now, but that will change if you keep working with it. Draw a stick figure with his name and face on it, pin it up to a tree and throw eggs at it. Take a tennis racket and beat a pillow with it. Put on some angry or sad and hurtful music and dance everything that you are feeling. Write letters to him and then burn them.

Right now, you have got to take care of yourself and let all of that emotion out in every possible way you can. THEN…you can decide what needs to happen next. Right now, none of that matters. Right now, what matters most is you and you taking care of yourself. You have a big open gash and you need immediate, emergency treatment to stop the hemorrhaging. That treatment is you loving yourself through this, allowing your feelings to come out in safe and healthy ways and giving yourself some space from him. Stay away from facebook and any other social media. Stop looking at his life and give yourself some time to get back on your feet. Once you are more stable and grounded in your center, you can decide the next steps.

I am so so sorry Sharon!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Daniel,

Isn’t this so interesting?? The dynamics are crazy. When he has all your attention and then some, he doesn’t want it. When you pull away, he runs after you. But this tells you exactly what needs to happen…mostly for YOU Daniel. I want you to be really clear about that. Yes, it is getting him to respond to you, but the choices you made to go live your own life and be INDEPENDENT of him, is more for you than anything. You have been living your life around him and for him and have lost yourself in that process. You need to find yourself again. So yes, keep your plans for Friday night. You go live your life. Making simple decisions like that IS you respecting you. DO MORE OF IT and find yourself again!!!

Yes, I would suggest to cut out the kissing and cuddling as well. Basically, he has designed the relationship to where he gets to have whatever he wants, at the expense of you. He will say “I love you,” kiss you, chase after you, but reality is…none of it is committing to anything. So for right now, keep focus on yourself and create lots of things in your life that put a smile on your face, make you laugh, make you feel awe, make you feel good and make you know yourself deeper and deeper. The more you do this, the more he will start to feel YOU instead of this lost little puppy who is defined by him. The more boundaries you set, the more you create a life separate than him, the more he will get to know you again.

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi H,

Thank you for sharing all of that! First, I want to keep encouraging you to work on your healing. That kind of abuse has MANY layers to it. You ABSOLUTELY can get to a place where you respect yourself, especially with men. You ABSOLUTELY can completely heal from trauma like that.

The thing about this guy, is he is only interested in sex. He told you he only wants to be friends, so it’s important that you listen to that. He is flirty and connective, because it opens you up and makes you willing to drive all that way to go have sex. It’s a 6 hour drive!
He stays connective until the next day or 2 and then disappears. He gets to do this with you, because you allow him and you are teaching him that this is okay for you.

So let’s look at what is going on for you on a deeper level, that feels okay to be treated like this. I know it feels awful, but you are still participating. Some part of you is caring more about connecting for 1 or 2 nights with this guy, than the harm it is causing you. You barely know this guy, yet you are wanting to fight for him. Are you starving for connection? Is the feeling of being wanted, even if it is just for a few nights, really powerful for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi R,

I think writing a letter could do some good, but I would keep it short and super simple.

You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our time together. I have come to realize how even though our connection was great, I really pushed you beyond what you were ready for. I wasn’t very patient and I didn’t listen to your boundaries and what you needed very well. I truly apologize. I could have supported you better. You are a really great guy and I had a lot of fun just talking! I would still love to be friends and go hang out every once in awhile. If you are ever up for it, you know how to find me. If not, that’s okay too. I just mainly wanted to apologize.”

How does something like this feel for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Madi,

Welcome! We are glad you are hear and sharing your challenges with us.

I completely get why you are so confused. he is definitely sending you mixed messages and it’s crazy making. How could you possibly know what is true and real for him when it changes so much?

What were the reasons that he gave you for breaking up?

Being that he doesn’t really know what he wants, it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you create some clarity about what you want. I know you want him back, but your actions of hooking up with him and occasionally talking is you joining HIS design of confusion. Meaning, you are allowing him to be confused with you. When you are clear, have standards and require to be treated a specific way, he will either come into alignment with those standards or he won’t. If you think about it, he doesn’t really need to commit to you when he can hook up with you anytime he wants. He knows he can reach out and connect with you, then ignore you, then connect again, then ignore again…without any consequence. You say yes every time, so essentially you are teaching him it’s okay to treat you this way.

Are you willing to set some boundaries with this guy? Are you willing to say no more sex and possibly lose him in efforts of setting some standards as to how you are treated?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi H,

Welcome! You have some great questions!

First, let’s address your need to want him to respect you. The only way for that to happen, is for you to respect yourself. When you truly respect yourself, all your decisions and behaviors align with that respect. You also will very naturally require that the people around you, respect you. You require that someone either respects you, or they will not get to be in your life. When you truly respect yourself, it’s not a behavior you “learn,” it is a something that you just are. It’s a presence that you carry. So the place to start, is to look at the areas where you are not respecting yourself. You want to pay attention to how you treat yourself and the decisions you are making on a daily basis that either add to, or take away from your happiness. We would love to hear about this, so please share what you come up with!

As far as your guy, if you want to change the pattern, then FWB is no longer an option. Again, when you respect and value you, he either will come into alignment with that, or he will walk away. If he walks away, you need to let him walk away, because if he isn’t interested in treating you with respect and value, then he is NOT the guy for you.

What is it that you are doing that makes things too easy for him?? I know you have slept with him a few times, but besides that, what else are you doing that makes him feel he doesn’t have to work for you or chase you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi M,

I like your plan. I agree in that trying too hard to get his attention will come across as being a little desperate. Reality is, he just isn’t that available. For him to say he hopes he doesn’t have too much homework so he can see you…that is a very non committal response and is a guy who isn’t that invested in wanting to connect. School is his priority and that’s where he wants it to stay. So honoring that is really important.

I love the idea of you getting really clear about what you want and working on yourself.

How about starting with what I call “the non negotiable list.”

It’s a list of qualities that MUST exist in your guy, that you cannot live without. These qualities are truly non-negotiable. Meaning, without these qualities, the relationship will never last.

Here are some of my examples:
1. Romantic
2. Active
3. Loves dogs and all animals
4. Emotionally intelligent
5. Spiritual

Every single one of these qualities are things that needs to exist in a relationship with me if it is going to have sustainability. I cannot survive in a relationship where there isn’t romance. I cannot survive in a relationship with a guy who is not interested in being active in his life. I cannot survive in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t love dogs (I do A LOT of dog sitting. It’s part of what feeds my soul). Does this list make sense??

Have fun with it and share it here. We can keep helping you through the process of it, but for now, just write it all down.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello R,

Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have a tough situation going on. I can see why this would be really hard to let him go. It sounds like you both had a really great connection and a good friendship that you were building.

At this point, I think it would be feasible to at least re-establish the friendship, but not to push for anything more. How long was he married? There are sooo many layers of emotions about getting divorced. It takes quite a bit of time to heal from something like that. He wasn’t ready. Although you were obviously very tempting for him and he felt things with you, it just was bad timing. I’m glad he honored himself and is letting himself take more time to heal and be in his “man cave” to figure out his life as a single person now.

I think being friends could be a good thing for awhile. When and if he does feel ready, I have no doubt he will reach out. But if you push him or show up at his house again…you will lose him. It’s really important that you respect his boundary. He needs to feel safe with you. So if you show up as a friend and respect his needs, I imagine you guys could really have some fun with each other over time.

Is this something you are willing to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi NM,

I want to encourage to not be angry with yourself. Be kind and compassionate and caring towards yourself. If you think about it, this guy helped expose parts where you are not so connected with yourself. Finding those parts of ourselves is SO IMPORTANT if we are going to heal, become stronger, raise our self esteem and learn about ourselves. This guy has given you a BIG GIFT of your SELF by exposing some areas that you need to work on. This is great! You can see those parts, work on connecting better with yourself, so you can attract a healthier man in the future. It’s very easy and quite common for us ladies to want to connect with a man sooooo badly, that we ignore the red flags and we lose ourselves in efforts to attract a man. Now that you know that is in you, you are going to be more cautious, you are going to stay better connected to yourself, you are going to give higher value to red flags, you are going to slow things down etc. These are all great things! So be thankful for what you are learning about yourself instead of being angry at yourself for not getting it right or messing up or overextending yourself so you could connect with him. We have all done it! So you learn, you grow and do better next time. That’s what life is all about!

You have only lost all of your chances, if that is what you choose to believe. If you want to believe their is someone out there that can be a good partner for you, then that is what is waiting for you! Of course there are no guarantees in life about anything, but I personally choose to believe there is someone out there for me, because it feels better. I don’t live my life “waiting” for him. I live my life fully and completely every day. Whenever he comes along, is whenever he comes along. Until then, my job is to become the very person I can be. My job is be happy and feel whole and complete every day. When I live my life that way, whenever I meet him, he will add to my life, not complete my life. When I meet him, I won’t be so desperate for connection, because I am really connected to myself and am so happy with how my life is already. This is the kind peace and happiness you want to fight for WITHOUT a man first.

Here is also a good person to follow. Sign up for her newsletter and listen to the video. She has a lot of good stuff. I got the coloring book. It’s really fun!!!

https://www.arielleford.com/

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is all so spectacular! I love the examples you shared. It actually will make him want you even more when you are not so available. It helps him feel your independence and it helps him know that your life doesn’t revolve around his…which is what many women end up doing, because they want to connect so badly.

So tell me…what do you think has changed within you, that you are responding differently to this guy? I remember the stories you used to feed in you mind when a guy would not respond quickly or make plans with you. You are a very different Emilie with this guy. I’m sure he is part of the reason why you are responding differently, but also something in you has shifted. I love it!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Saruga,

Yes, close the door. He is not showing any sign of being interested and he was very clear about not having those kinds of feelings for you. Close the door and move on with your life. Release the idea of him and free yourself from the torture of it. Him liking your pictures or commenting on them is just being friendly, that’s all.

If you close the door, you can completely heal and then open the door to someone else.

Tell me about the kind of guy you would like to end up with. I’d love to hear about him.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Vino,

You are having some amazing realizations about yourself! I love your strength to be able to see all of that about yourself and know that it’s just an area to work on.

I’m so bummed that fun guy has disappeared. It sucks! I’m glad he is going now instead of meeting in person and then disappearing. Even though he was fun, he doesn’t have much integrity. Your mind is making him sooooo fun that it’s all you can think about. Expand your vision and also remember that he is ghosting you. That is a guy who doesn’t have integrity. That is a guy who doesn’t have the strength to be honest and authentic. That is a guy who is too scared to communicate what he needs to say. He is flat out ignoring you. YUUUUKKK! Fun guy is fun, but that’s about as far as it goes!

I like to view those kinds of situations as a gift. Even though it didn’t work out in the way you wanted, he gave you a taste of what is possible. You actually got to experience what that was like…which means you now have it in your experience to KNOW it’s possible…not just imagine it. Now that you know, you want to look for that similar feeling in a future experience and DO NOT SETTLE for anything less than that. Having that kind of fun is REALLY important for you, so it needs to be at the top of your priority list of qualities that are essential for you in a relationship.

You did nothing wrong. Him ghosting has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I don’t know why he ghosted and his reasons don’t matter. All you need to know is that he ghosted and that is enough information to know that he is not the kind of guy you want in your life.

Keep having patience Vino. I know you are getting tired of all of it. Usually when I get to that point, I know I either need to shift perspective or it’s time for me to take a break. The moment I find myself not feeling grounded and centered while online, I exit for awhile and work on whatever is triggering me. Maybe it’s time you take a break and really work on learning to value yourself just as much as men AND learning to value women as much men. This will bring you much more into balance, which will then attract a much more higher functioning man. Just a thought.

And just a quick reference to the article, I completely get where you are coming from. Arranged marriages can be really be awful. I have also come across a few that were quite beautiful and turned out really well…one was an Indian couple and actually I am still friends with them. So I imagine that is more the perspective the author was trying to portray. A commitment to work on things and create a sustainable, happy marriage can surpass any differences in compatibility.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sam,

Wow! What a shock for you! I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Of course this is very confusing and heartbreaking.

Let’s see what we can do to help bring clarity to this situation.

I’m a little confused. You said he is in another state and lives 6 houses down from his mother, but he stops by every once awhile to grab some things. So I’m not sure I understand the living situation. How often do you see other? Do you have contact between those times? How often are you guys texting/talking or connecting?

I think there is so much going on here. First, it’s not your fault that HE feels like you are burden. If that is his perspective, that is HIS challenge he needs to face. It’s not for YOU to fix HIS feelings. In a healthy marriage, both people take responsibility for how they are feeling and then they come together and talk about it. There is NO BLAME. It’s more about figuring out ways to work better together and if there are bigger feelings, each person is working on themselves to solve the challenges.

You are responsible for your own happiness and wellbeing and THAT’S IT! He is responsible for his own happiness and well being. So let’s look at what you want from the relationship. If you spend this entire time focusing on him and making sure HE is happy, you will lose yourself and then your marriage is no better off. He did say that you need to “find yourself.” He must be sensing something about you that makes him say that. Do you have any idea what he means by that?

I’m glad he is willing to see a counselor! Is that something you are willing to do as well?

If he did come back, from your perspective, how would you want the relationship to change? Or did you feel happy exactly how things were?

Heidi

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