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Hi Saruga,
Just wanted to check in. How are you doing? I know how hard it is to let the idea of someone go. Are you able to do that or are you still finding yourself wanting to still hold out hope?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
It’s been awhile since we heard from you. How are things going? Any updates you would like to share? We would love to hear from you.
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
We haven’t hear from you in awhile, so I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new updates??
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
There is nothing to figure out here. You are doing it already! It’s just going to take some time. It’s very clear he doesn’t respect being bombarded with desperate or needy type of emotions, as you already know and are now seeing with this other girl. The more boundaries you set for yourself, the more he will be attracted to you. Would you consider locking your phone? That can be another thing you do to let him know your worth and setting a very healthy boundary. It’s quite unhealthy for people to be going through each other’s phones with the purpose of snooping. You already have a very unhealthy and damaging type of relationship, so the little things like that, can actually begin to help build it in a more healthy way. I would hate to see you both just enter back into the same patterns as before and cycle right back to where you are right now. Start by making little changes like that. Start by making yourself matter and setting boundaries that are healthy for you. Keep doing what you are doing, as you are loving yourself, you are building a life separate than him and now he is starting to chase you. KEEP THAT GOING…at least for right now.
Again, have patience Daniel. You have a long road ahead of you. What is most important is that you keep connecting to yourself, respecting yourself as much as you can and work on not making him your entire world. The more he becomes your entire world, the more you will lose yourself and you will lose him again. Keep your self worth separate from him. You are valuable and worth loving and fighting for, whether or not he says so! As long as you keep that in the forefront of your mind, you are heading down a good path, no matter what happens with him.
Heidi
Okay, I get it now. This sounds soooo great! What a relief that you are going to get paid enough to be able to pay off a school loan AND put some money in savings so you have a good cushion! Hopefully you won’t need it when the project is over. It would be great for another opportunity to show up right away so you can continue on your journey. Either way, you will be provided for!
I will be sending tons of good vibes in your direction so that you actually enjoy this new work environment and that you will find some people to socialize with! 50+ hours a week, still leaves time to get to meet new people. You are quite the resourceful woman and I have no doubt you will figure out a way to fit it in. It’s important! You need to be having some fun in your life as well!
It was a complete pleasure to get to be part of your journey and we are honored you stayed with us for so long! You definitely will be greatly missed!
Heidi
Hi Jody,
Welcome! We are glad you are asking your questions. I’m so sorry to hear about you losing your husband. How long were you married? What a challenging time you must have had. How many children do you have?
I’m sorry to also hear that you feel threatened by this new girl who is flirting with him. The flirting part is no big deal. Girls can be flirts and it doesn’t have to mean anything. Guys can respond to it, in the moment, and that doesn’t even have to mean anything. My concern is that he wants to be friends with her. What does that mean exactly? He wants to go out to lunch sometimes? He wants to hang out occasionally? I’m not sure I am clear about what that means for him.
I’m also curious if that’s how things started with you. I’m wondering if his pattern is to be “friends” first and then he gets close and bonded and then asks to take things to the next level. Do you know anything about his past relationships? Has he ever cheated before?
How did you confront your discomfort with him wanting to be friends with her? What did you say? What was his response? How long have you guys been dating?
You overheard him calling you his girlfriend…why not just ask him directly about that? It’s really important that you guys are on the same page about your agreement as to how the relationship functions. I personally would not be considered anyone’s girlfriend without having a conversation and agreement about that status. So just ask him. You can say something like, “Hey…I overheard you at work the other day, calling me your girlfriend. I didn’t know you viewed me that way, since we haven’t talked about it. Is that how you feel? Do you feel ready for that kind of commitment or was it just something you were saying, because it’s easier than explaining our situation?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Yes, it’s all hard. If you stay in contact, it will be hard. If you disconnect, it will be hard. ANYTHING you do at this point, is hard, no matter the direction you head in. I’m so sorry for what you are through. It’s sad. I’m sad for the choices he is making and how he is handling all of this. Of course you care about how you will hurt him. It just means you love him and care for him, even with all of his limitations. I wish we didn’t need pain to grow, but unfortunately, it is one of the biggest motivators. Trust that the pain he will feel, is good for him. It is the most loving and kind thing you could do for him. He needs to really FEEL the consequences of his choices. He needs to connect to himself more about what is REALLY happening inside his heart instead of running away from him. He NEEDS to feel his pain, if he is ever going to do anything about it. There is no guarantee he will come back, but at the very least, you can know that you loved him enough and cared about him enough, that you were willing to help him grow, even if it meant him feeling a lot of pain. It’s just plain hard Cynthia.
Of course you can do it over the phone. I always tell people, do it in whatever fashion you are able to do it….just find a way to say the words and create the closure. I understand that an in person conversation may be too difficult, so doing it over the phone is best. It will help you be able to stick to it, instead of giving back in.
What are you planning to say?
Heidi
Oh wow! So is it official then? You have a job? At least until the end of the year? I’m so glad to hear that Will is a nice guy. You sooooo need that, after what you have been dealing with! I’m not sure I understand where you will be though. You won’t be in Canada working, but you will be on Canadian payroll…am I understanding correctly?
And just and fyi, I talked to my boss and getting a transcript is not a service that is offered. You would just need to copy and paste everything to a Word document.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I understand your need to keep connecting. He has been a part of every day for the past 30 years. The idea of not having him there would mean you would feel a giant, gaping hole in your life. The idea of a life without him is scary and painful.
Your plan to want to talk with him on the weekends is actually not going to support what you want. It’s actually most likely going to make things worse. You say this, “it is me or her not both” but none of your actions support this. Your actions just keep telling him that he DOES get to have you both. By asking to connect on the weekends, you are just participating in this design of being “the other woman” even more.
You say this, “so he can see the possibilities first and really understand what he is giving up” but reality is, if he doesn’t know what he is giving up by now, he is not really connected in the first place. You want him to value you and appreciate you, but you have to treat yourself that way first. You are not valuing yourself by connecting with him daily while he is in relationship with another woman as well. You are not appreciating what you have to offer him, as you are still available for him. The moment you truly value and honor and appreciate the full depth of what you have to offer him, that means you will not offer it all so easily. This again, is about taking back and connecting with your personal power. If you want to really make him uncomfortable and force him into decision, take yourself out of relationship with him completely. Let him feel the FULL consequences of his choices. He isn’t in enough pain to change anything. He still gets to have both of you all of the time. Pain is what makes people move. Pain is what can motivate someone into making decisions. The loss of you in his life, will create a lot of pain and he has to decide what to do about that. As long as you are interacting, there is no decision for him to make.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
As you know, it takes work to be able to handle disappointment in a healthy way. Like you saw with your friend, relationships can instantly be made or broken depending on how both people handle the let downs, the hurt, the misunderstandings. It takes self esteem and a solid sense of self to handle all of that, without getting lost in the emotions of whatever is being triggered. It’s hard to find 2 people who are able to approach life in that way. Most people want to just stay the victim and blame the other person for their hurt and want them to fix it for them. That’s a recipe for disaster! It’s wonderful to hear that your fireman guy can handle your disappointment. He definitely cares when you let him know and he makes attempts to repair it. You also have the strength to say something and be honest. FINALLY a good match so far!
I’m excited to hear about your ski weekend!!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
You definitely have grown up with some very difficult cultural programming. Every culture has this very side to it. Every culture has a definition of what is beautiful and not. Every culture carries an incredible amount of judgments. Some are obviously much worse than others and it sounds like that was your experience. It’s shaped you, yet you can set yourself from all of that programming. Everything you said about yourself and whether you feel good or not, is based on your external. That is the challenge for every human being alive. How do we feel good about ourselves, not matter what we look like? How does someone feel good about themselves, despite their deformities, handicaps, massive scars etc.? It’s absolutely possible that whether or not you believe you are beautiful by society’s standards, you can be beautiful. I remember dating a guy who would be considered ugly by most. We worked together and as I got to know his very sweet spirit and his fun nature, he became more attractive to me and I ended up really liking him. How we each see each other, is completely based on our own eyes and our ability to see and appreciate the beauty of the soul, BEYOND the physical appearance. That is where your healing will be. As long as you stay attached to the external for your definition of how you “look,” you will be at odds with yourself. It’s your insides that will ALWAYS shine brighter than your outsides, whether it’s positive or negative.
I’m surprised that is your opinion about therapists. I absolutely have my own Coach and she knows be better than anyone. No, she is not my friend as that is not her role in my life. However, she is there for me anytime I need and she has no fear about what to say to me, she has waaaaay more knowledge and wisdom of my psyche than any of my friends and she can actually help me heal vs. my friends who are supportive. Healing for me though, is far beyond talking. Talk therapy, according to just 1 study I read (which isn’t much to go on), was the least effective for helping people heal. Healing is when the negative emotions around events and memories are gone. So for example, if a girl gets raped, she is healed when she can remember the whole event and not feel any hurt about it. She just feels indifferent. She feels okay about all of it. People who specialize in healing techniques, are the ones who know how to go down that rabbit hole, deal with all your thoughts, your resistance, your patterns, your sabotage etc….not a job for friends…it’s way too personal and it can destroy friendships. There are many techniques out there like EMDR, Brainspotting, EFT, Gestalt, Sensorimotor, The Sedona Method (these are just a few of 100s of different types of approaches and techniques for deeper healing, beyond just talking).
Just some things to think about. Remember…our outside world is reflective of what we carry on our inside world. Here are just a few books that talk about how our thoughts create our reality – There is an incredible amount of research on this topic! Gregg Braden “The Spontaneous Healing of Belief” or Dr. Joe Dispenza “The Placebo Effect” or Dawson Church “Mind to Matter” It’s some really fun reading!
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. It sounds like you have quite the challenge.
I just have a few questions, to get a bigger picture here.How long have you been together?
Is he depressed? Does he take meds?
Has he ALWAYS been like this, since you have known him?
What are you wanting to accomplish? It seems like you are quite accepting of this part of him, so I am wondering what you are wanting differently with him, that you are here and seeking more knowledge / guidance. Are you wanting a deeper connection with him? Are you wanting him to be happier in his life? Are you wanting to just learn how to support him better? Basically, what are you wanting to accomplish with this knew information you are learning?
Looking forward to hearing more details! It will help us guide you better 🙂
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
He is not really a complicated man. He sounds quite simple actually. He wants what he wants and he gets to have it. He knows you aren’t going anywhere, so he is still gonna keep talking to this 21 year old. He isn’t ready to separate from you, but he sure isn’t ready to commit. It’s simple. He wants BOTH of you. The thing that is important for you to realize, is that YOU want to save this marriage, but he doesn’t. You think this is about getting his attention back, by behaving and acting in a certain way, getting your independence back and your power back, but that doesn’t change that he is not caring for, nor protecting his relationship with you. You can become independent all you want. He may even come back, but that doesn’t change that he doesn’t have integrity. He may be an amazing man, but that is not all that he is. He is also a guy who is currently having an affair with a 21 year old while still living with you. That is NOT amazing. He is not valuing you, the relationship or love for that matter. Why would he change? He gets to have the best of both worlds. It’s really that simple. He wants BOTH of you. He knows how to keep you hooked and her hooked as well, so why change anything?? You both are agreeing to participate in HIS design, so he will keep this going as long as the both of you keep saying yes, or as long as he stays interested in this design.
Is this something you truly understand?? My point being, you don’t know what to do next, but have you thought about what would happen if you do get his attention again? Have you thought about how that doesn’t change HIM. It doesn’t change his issues, his patterns, his behaviors and how he chooses to make himself happy. If he feels unhappy again in the marriage, he knows he can go find another woman again and there are no consequences to that. Is this what you really want??
I know you want to fight for him, so your best bet is to keep doing what you are doing. He was attracted to your independence. Every time you cave in to HIS needs at the expense of your own, he will lose respect for you, knows how to react, behave and what to say to get you to do what he wants and he will just continue what he is doing. So it’s important for you to really embrace your independence, your needs, your wants, even if it makes him upset. It will force him to re-think how he is going to keep you hooked in this design. So keep doing what you are doing! Keep going out, keep waiting awhile before you respond to his messages, keep doing your own thing. I imagine at some point, if he feels like he really might be losing you, he might even use sex as a way to pull you back in. We shall see!
So what other things can you do, to create a new life for yourself? What kinds of activities? What friends have you lost touch with, that would be good to re-connect with? What hobbies / classes can you go to, that would be fun?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
This makes a lot of sense and I am glad you have gotten so clear about all of it! I’m thinking this guy needs to stop dating the women at his work. To date off and on with this girl for 4 years and then date co-workers, he is just asking for all kinds of drama. I don’t know a person a live who wouldn’t be upset about something like that.
Either way, I’m glad you are seeing the red flags about all of this and disconnecting. It sounds like the very best decision all around. You keep the peace at work, which keeps your life on the drama free side and peaceful. It doesn’t sound like this guy is worth the trouble.
I love, more than anything, that you are seeing your growth. That is so important and something to really, truly celebrate. It’s a big deal! Whatever you are doing, is working and helping you shift your behavior so that you are choosing yourself, over a guy. That’s not easy for move women, so well done! We celebrate you as well!!!
Thank you for update!
Heidi
