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Hi Fatima,
Welcome! You have quite the challenge on your hands.
I know you miss him, but trying to get him back means you are taking his mother back as well. Is that something you are willing to do? Do you feel you made a mistake?
Essentially, you made him choose between you and his mother. That is an awful decision for him to make and I imagine he doesn’t want to have to go through that again. I’m sure his mother is stressful enough for him, just by herself, but to add you in the mix means a ton more stress. I’m thinking he probably just doesn’t want to go down that road again. So again, it’s not enough to just miss him and want him back. You need to be very clear about connecting with his mother and healing that relationship as well. Is that something you are willing to do?
Also, are you sure he isn’t with anyone else right now?
Heidi
Hi Jovana,
Welcome! You have a really interesting situation. Have you ever talked to him about why he doesn’t tell people you are his girlfriend? It’s been 4 years. I wonder what he is hiding from. Do you guys hold hands in public? Do you go on dates? Do you kiss in public? Anything like that? Or are you saying that everything is kept inside? Do you guys sneak around to be together?
I can understand his desire to hide things for a few months, but 4 years is quite extreme. There is a reason obviously. You truly don’t know what his reason is?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts. I understand your need to delay things and I understand that you don’t want to talk to him when you are in a dark place. Very wise!
I want to invite you to think about doing it at another time, different than Valentine’s Day. Whether or not he gets you something, is not a determining factor of anything. Of course he still loves you and absolutely there is still a chance! He connects with you every single day! He can’t live his life without connecting with you as much as he possibly can. That’s more true than any “gift” he will or will not get you on Valentine’s Day. Being that he most likely will spend it with her, it’s just awkward at the moment. Imagine trying to celebrate and honor “love” with you, his wife he all of a sudden left one day to go be with another woman. I imagine he may not be sure what to do for you, if anything. My other thought is that when and if you guys get back together, you don’t want that day to be tainted with the memory of you cutting off ties. Let Valentine’s Day just be Valentine’s Day. Talk to him at another time.
As far as what to see, why don’t you write a letter. Get it all out!!! Then you can revise it a few times. Make sure you read the letter out loud. It’s really helpful for you to feel and hear what you are saying. You will find that there are things you don’t want to say and then things you want to add. Read it out loud over and over and over again. Get comfortable with it. And keep it simple. It doesn’t need to be this loooong conversation. He knows what he has done and you guys have already talked about quite a bit of it, yes? If not, maybe start asking him about things you really want to know before you cut ties. It may help you. Otherwise, saying something simple like, “I just can’t live like this anymore. It’s not good for me. So it’s time for me to move on with my life and truly accept your choice. If, at any point, you feel like you want to come back, I will always be open for a conversation and we can take from there. Otherwise, it’s time for us to truly separate and stop connecting.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sam,
We haven’t heard back from you. How are you doing? What have you decided about the next steps for yourself? We would love to hear an update and be able to support you through this tough time.
Heidi
Hi Annika,
I just wanted to check in. We would love to hear back from you and hear how everything is going. Any thoughts about what I said? Any new developments? What have you decided you want to do?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? How are you feeling? Any updates? We would love to hear from you again.
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
Just wanted to check in. How are you doing? I know how hard it is to let the idea of someone go. Are you able to do that or are you still finding yourself wanting to still hold out hope?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
It’s been awhile since we heard from you. How are things going? Any updates you would like to share? We would love to hear from you.
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
We haven’t hear from you in awhile, so I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new updates??
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
There is nothing to figure out here. You are doing it already! It’s just going to take some time. It’s very clear he doesn’t respect being bombarded with desperate or needy type of emotions, as you already know and are now seeing with this other girl. The more boundaries you set for yourself, the more he will be attracted to you. Would you consider locking your phone? That can be another thing you do to let him know your worth and setting a very healthy boundary. It’s quite unhealthy for people to be going through each other’s phones with the purpose of snooping. You already have a very unhealthy and damaging type of relationship, so the little things like that, can actually begin to help build it in a more healthy way. I would hate to see you both just enter back into the same patterns as before and cycle right back to where you are right now. Start by making little changes like that. Start by making yourself matter and setting boundaries that are healthy for you. Keep doing what you are doing, as you are loving yourself, you are building a life separate than him and now he is starting to chase you. KEEP THAT GOING…at least for right now.
Again, have patience Daniel. You have a long road ahead of you. What is most important is that you keep connecting to yourself, respecting yourself as much as you can and work on not making him your entire world. The more he becomes your entire world, the more you will lose yourself and you will lose him again. Keep your self worth separate from him. You are valuable and worth loving and fighting for, whether or not he says so! As long as you keep that in the forefront of your mind, you are heading down a good path, no matter what happens with him.
Heidi
Okay, I get it now. This sounds soooo great! What a relief that you are going to get paid enough to be able to pay off a school loan AND put some money in savings so you have a good cushion! Hopefully you won’t need it when the project is over. It would be great for another opportunity to show up right away so you can continue on your journey. Either way, you will be provided for!
I will be sending tons of good vibes in your direction so that you actually enjoy this new work environment and that you will find some people to socialize with! 50+ hours a week, still leaves time to get to meet new people. You are quite the resourceful woman and I have no doubt you will figure out a way to fit it in. It’s important! You need to be having some fun in your life as well!
It was a complete pleasure to get to be part of your journey and we are honored you stayed with us for so long! You definitely will be greatly missed!
Heidi
Hi Jody,
Welcome! We are glad you are asking your questions. I’m so sorry to hear about you losing your husband. How long were you married? What a challenging time you must have had. How many children do you have?
I’m sorry to also hear that you feel threatened by this new girl who is flirting with him. The flirting part is no big deal. Girls can be flirts and it doesn’t have to mean anything. Guys can respond to it, in the moment, and that doesn’t even have to mean anything. My concern is that he wants to be friends with her. What does that mean exactly? He wants to go out to lunch sometimes? He wants to hang out occasionally? I’m not sure I am clear about what that means for him.
I’m also curious if that’s how things started with you. I’m wondering if his pattern is to be “friends” first and then he gets close and bonded and then asks to take things to the next level. Do you know anything about his past relationships? Has he ever cheated before?
How did you confront your discomfort with him wanting to be friends with her? What did you say? What was his response? How long have you guys been dating?
You overheard him calling you his girlfriend…why not just ask him directly about that? It’s really important that you guys are on the same page about your agreement as to how the relationship functions. I personally would not be considered anyone’s girlfriend without having a conversation and agreement about that status. So just ask him. You can say something like, “Hey…I overheard you at work the other day, calling me your girlfriend. I didn’t know you viewed me that way, since we haven’t talked about it. Is that how you feel? Do you feel ready for that kind of commitment or was it just something you were saying, because it’s easier than explaining our situation?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Yes, it’s all hard. If you stay in contact, it will be hard. If you disconnect, it will be hard. ANYTHING you do at this point, is hard, no matter the direction you head in. I’m so sorry for what you are through. It’s sad. I’m sad for the choices he is making and how he is handling all of this. Of course you care about how you will hurt him. It just means you love him and care for him, even with all of his limitations. I wish we didn’t need pain to grow, but unfortunately, it is one of the biggest motivators. Trust that the pain he will feel, is good for him. It is the most loving and kind thing you could do for him. He needs to really FEEL the consequences of his choices. He needs to connect to himself more about what is REALLY happening inside his heart instead of running away from him. He NEEDS to feel his pain, if he is ever going to do anything about it. There is no guarantee he will come back, but at the very least, you can know that you loved him enough and cared about him enough, that you were willing to help him grow, even if it meant him feeling a lot of pain. It’s just plain hard Cynthia.
Of course you can do it over the phone. I always tell people, do it in whatever fashion you are able to do it….just find a way to say the words and create the closure. I understand that an in person conversation may be too difficult, so doing it over the phone is best. It will help you be able to stick to it, instead of giving back in.
What are you planning to say?
Heidi
Oh wow! So is it official then? You have a job? At least until the end of the year? I’m so glad to hear that Will is a nice guy. You sooooo need that, after what you have been dealing with! I’m not sure I understand where you will be though. You won’t be in Canada working, but you will be on Canadian payroll…am I understanding correctly?
And just and fyi, I talked to my boss and getting a transcript is not a service that is offered. You would just need to copy and paste everything to a Word document.
Heidi
