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Hi Hannah,
Thank you for sharing more details. Just a few more questions. Was he hot and cold when you were together for those 2 years before, or is this new behavior you have never experienced before? Why did he break up the first time? Is your relationship functioning differently this time, compared to before?
Part of what I am thinking might be contributing to his behavior currently, is that he was alone for so long. What can happen is a person can get soooo comfortable and loving their life alone. No drama, no one to think about, he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. The moment you enter into the picture, no matter how much he may love you, there is a loss of his freedom on some level. Now you occupy his thoughts. Now you are asking him to be more affectionate. Now he has your family to think about. Now he has a new path he needs to create for 2 people, instead of just him. There is nothing “wrong” with any of this, but it would be hard for someone who is coming from having a very peaceful, drama free, single life. It might be taking him awhile to adjust and even sometimes wanting to go back to his old life. Do you think this may be part of what is happening?
Heidi
Hi JS,
Wow, this is quite the update! You are going through a lot!
It sounds like your recent guy is not wanting a relationship due to being scared of his ex and also be the rebound guy. Those are both VERY COMPLICATED situations.
You did not allow yourself to get over your ex. You still met with him to talk, because you are “curious.” That just tells you that you are not 100% resolved. You immediately jumped into relationship with this new guy and as wonderful as he sounds, he still is a rebound. Any guy is a rebound. The best part about the rebound guys, is it helps distract you from having to feel anything about the breakup from your ex. It’s quite wonderful actually. The challenge is, the feelings you carry about your ex, whether it’s anger, hurt, love, missing him etc. don’t actually go away. All those feelings just get buried and they do end up leaking out in different ways in the new relationship.
My point is, if you want your recent boyfriend back, it might be a good idea to give yourself some time to deal with the ending of the last relationship first. Can you stay friends with this current guy, just for right now? Friendship is the most important part of any relationship, so you can stay connected and work on building that friendship, while you are working on truly dealing with all the feelings around your last breakup. It’s important for you to feel the loss. You were together 2.5 years and you need some time to heal the wounds. Once your current guy sees you are working on things about your ex, he most likely will be much more willing to give it shot again. Thoughts?
Also, I’m wondering…why is he afraid of his ex? It sounds like he has his own issues that are preventing from moving forward with you. What’s going on with his situation?
Heidi
Hi Elmira,
Thank you for being here. You have a very interesting situation.
I just have a few questions to try to understand you a little better. How come you swore to never feel emotions for a man again? How come you kept saying NO that you don’t love him? You didn’t want a relationship with him before, so what has changed for you?
How long was he together with his last girlfriend? You feel his depression and sadness was 100% due to the loss of the relationship? He said he is sick. Did that mean just a flu or cold, or is he sick with some kind of disease? Do you know?
I would also like to invite you to think about the possibility to be okay, even if you don’t get to say what you want to say to him. MANY times in life, people don’t get closure with someone either because the other person has left, has dies, won’t talk etc. It is VERY POSSIBLE to heal and create resolution without talking to the person. The sooner you can create resolution for yourself that is not dependent on him, the more at peace you will be and it then opens the door to have a better connection with him. I imagine he doesn’t want to explain anything. If he is depressed, that means he is angry. If he is angry (and it has nothing to do with you btw) I imagine he just wants to be angry and not talk to you. So what if you came to peace with the situation all on your own, without needing him to fix it for you. He already has a TON of emotional intensity he is carrying around on a daily basis and you are adding on top of that by asking him to talk with you and fix how you feel in some sort of way. Is this something you are willing to deal with on your own?
Heidi
Hi Elmira,
Thank you for being here. You have a very interesting situation.
I just have a few questions to try to understand you a little better. How come you swore to never feel emotions for a man again? How come you kept saying NO that you don’t love him? You didn’t want a relationship with him before, so what has changed for you?
How long was he together with his last girlfriend? You feel his depression and sadness was 100% due to the loss of the relationship? He said he is sick. Did that mean just a flu or cold, or is he sick with some kind of disease? Do you know?
I would also like to invite you to think about the possibility to be okay, even if you don’t get to say what you want to say to him. MANY times in life, people don’t get closure with someone either because the other person has left, has dies, won’t talk etc. It is VERY POSSIBLE to heal and create resolution without talking to the person. The sooner you can create resolution for yourself that is not dependent on him, the more at peace you will be and it then opens the door to have a better connection with him. I imagine he doesn’t want to explain anything. If he is depressed, that means he is angry. If he is angry (and it has nothing to do with you btw) I imagine he just wants to be angry and not talk to you. So what if you came to peace with the situation all on your own, without needing him to fix it for you. He already has a TON of emotional intensity he is carrying around on a daily basis and you are adding on top of that by asking him to talk with you and fix how you feel in some sort of way. Is this something you are willing to deal with on your own?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
I can we why you are confused and hurt. I just have a few questions. What did he say about being around your family so much? I understand his need to pull away while there. He definitely could have handled it better, but I am wondering if it was so overwhelming that it makes him questions whether he wants to be part of your family. Did you create the space for him to express how he really felt being around them? I’m just making some guesses as to what may be causing him to pull back.
Have you asked him about these changes you are sensing? If that doesn’t feel comfortable, maybe you could be more indirect and say, “I just wanted to check in. I was talking with a friend the other and it got me thinking. Is there anything I can do to be a better partner for you? Is there anything you want from me that I am not giving you?” And maybe you guys can agree to this kind of conversation every few months. It’s a great way to open a safe space for you guys to teach each other about how to be a better team.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I know how scary it is to ask these kinds of questions, for fear he will run the other direction.
There is something I would invite you to consider though. What about your kids? He is starting to get more and more invested in your children’s lives, yet he is not committed to you. Your kids have already lost their father and the idea to lose another father figure would be a lot for them to go through.
How about setting some boundaries? Maybe say something like, “I understand you are not ready for a committed relationship and I completely respect and honor that. With that being said, I would like to create a bit of a different design between you and my kids. I have noticed you bonding with them more and I honestly love it. I think it’s beautiful. However, you and I are still getting to know each other and I think it’s best to keep more distance between you and my kids. They already lost their father and I don’t want them to have to go through that with you. If you ever get to the point where you feel you really would like to invest in a committed relationship with me, I’d be happy to open the door a bit more with kids. Until then, let’s just keep it more simple until you and I are on the same page as the direction we are heading. Does this feel okay for you? Do you understand?”
How does saying something like this feel for you? It’s a really good way to create a boundary, respect his wishes as well as maybe open the door to the conversation about how he feels in a more indirect way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello Husan,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your challenges with us. Let’s see what we can do.
I just have a few questions as it will help us understand more of what is happening here. If I am understanding correctly, he has a pattern of disappearing for a few weeks and then he re-connects, yes? He uses work and being busy as an excuse, but you see that he is active on social media, correct?
Do you know much about his past relationships? Has he ever been in a serious relationship? You have only known each other for 6 months and it takes a long time to really get to know someone. It sounds like he is not really interested in a serious relationship. I know he said he didn’t want to lose you, but his actions are not the same as his words. His actions are speaking very loudly saying “I want to do what I want, when I want and I don’t want to be bothered about anything else.” Do you feel this is true??
How old are you guys? How did you meet?
If I am understanding your situation correctly, I want to guide you towards keeping your distance for a little bit. So far, he knows he can behave any way that he wants and you will always come back and connect. He knows you want to always connect, no matter how he treats you. This means you are teaching him it is okay for him to treat you this way. What if you took a different approach and created some space and do not contact him. What if you teach him he is going to have to fight for you?
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
Thank you for the update. This makes sense. I’m sure you guys will be able to catch up soon. Is he initiating contact at all? Is he texting you just asking how you are or anything like that? Or is it complete silence and you are the only one reaching out at this point?
Heidi
Hi Fatima,
Welcome! You have quite the challenge on your hands.
I know you miss him, but trying to get him back means you are taking his mother back as well. Is that something you are willing to do? Do you feel you made a mistake?
Essentially, you made him choose between you and his mother. That is an awful decision for him to make and I imagine he doesn’t want to have to go through that again. I’m sure his mother is stressful enough for him, just by herself, but to add you in the mix means a ton more stress. I’m thinking he probably just doesn’t want to go down that road again. So again, it’s not enough to just miss him and want him back. You need to be very clear about connecting with his mother and healing that relationship as well. Is that something you are willing to do?
Also, are you sure he isn’t with anyone else right now?
Heidi
Hi Jovana,
Welcome! You have a really interesting situation. Have you ever talked to him about why he doesn’t tell people you are his girlfriend? It’s been 4 years. I wonder what he is hiding from. Do you guys hold hands in public? Do you go on dates? Do you kiss in public? Anything like that? Or are you saying that everything is kept inside? Do you guys sneak around to be together?
I can understand his desire to hide things for a few months, but 4 years is quite extreme. There is a reason obviously. You truly don’t know what his reason is?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts. I understand your need to delay things and I understand that you don’t want to talk to him when you are in a dark place. Very wise!
I want to invite you to think about doing it at another time, different than Valentine’s Day. Whether or not he gets you something, is not a determining factor of anything. Of course he still loves you and absolutely there is still a chance! He connects with you every single day! He can’t live his life without connecting with you as much as he possibly can. That’s more true than any “gift” he will or will not get you on Valentine’s Day. Being that he most likely will spend it with her, it’s just awkward at the moment. Imagine trying to celebrate and honor “love” with you, his wife he all of a sudden left one day to go be with another woman. I imagine he may not be sure what to do for you, if anything. My other thought is that when and if you guys get back together, you don’t want that day to be tainted with the memory of you cutting off ties. Let Valentine’s Day just be Valentine’s Day. Talk to him at another time.
As far as what to see, why don’t you write a letter. Get it all out!!! Then you can revise it a few times. Make sure you read the letter out loud. It’s really helpful for you to feel and hear what you are saying. You will find that there are things you don’t want to say and then things you want to add. Read it out loud over and over and over again. Get comfortable with it. And keep it simple. It doesn’t need to be this loooong conversation. He knows what he has done and you guys have already talked about quite a bit of it, yes? If not, maybe start asking him about things you really want to know before you cut ties. It may help you. Otherwise, saying something simple like, “I just can’t live like this anymore. It’s not good for me. So it’s time for me to move on with my life and truly accept your choice. If, at any point, you feel like you want to come back, I will always be open for a conversation and we can take from there. Otherwise, it’s time for us to truly separate and stop connecting.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sam,
We haven’t heard back from you. How are you doing? What have you decided about the next steps for yourself? We would love to hear an update and be able to support you through this tough time.
Heidi
Hi Annika,
I just wanted to check in. We would love to hear back from you and hear how everything is going. Any thoughts about what I said? Any new developments? What have you decided you want to do?
Heidi
