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Hi Moe!
Thank you for sharing more of your personal story. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. It’s heartbreaking. It’s awful to have your own child try and ruin you. It sounds like his experience in the military really messed him up. I’m glad you have your sister to live with. I know it’s a super tough situation though. I can understand why you feel like your life is a mess and how it would be amazing to have a man come along and help.& the 1 that finally comes along that I could work with, walks away over a misunderstanding so feeling empowered isn’t really a main concern of mine. What IS a concern of yours then?
There’s plenty of reasons to hate these phones. I get it. Everything you said is very true. AND…the opposite is also true as well. There are thousands and thousands of stories where people reconnected, people have fallen in love, people have raised money, people have saved lives…all because of a cell phone. Technology is no different than money. Money itself is not the cause of anything, it’s the people and how they relate to money. We cannot live without money. Now…we cannot live without technology. It’s embedded in our society and there is no way to get away from it. So…maybe think about not hating cell phones, but instead stay open to the possibility of all the good it can bring into your life as well. I’m not saying you need to change your behavior…I’m just encouraging you to look at technology and the FULL picture. Instead of blaming the phones, look at the people instead. It is an addiction for sure and it’s been set up to be like that and it makes me sad. It’s going to take many decades to figure out how to find the balance with this new tool.
It was nice to have a conversation with someone that didn’t turn into a 5 yr old when they didn’t like what they heard. I get it! I know this feels like a breathe of fresh air for you. So many people these days are quite reactive and have very little tolerance for opinions other than their own. I’m glad you got to experience this with him. Unfortunately, you also got to experience his 5 year old from a misunderstanding.
I know that statistically if a woman has never been married by the time she’s 40, there’s only a slim chance that it’ll ever happen so the fear seems legitimate. Throw this statistic out the window. It’s just a number, like any poll, like any statistic, like any probability. Life is soooooo much more than any numbers gathered by some people. Every person has a journey to take and what shows up in their life, is what it is. The truth is…anything can happen at any given moment, any given second – both positive and negative. We are powerless to prevent or change any of it. We just get to deal with what shows up in the best possible way we know how. So if you ever get to fall in love or not – who knows. Your choice lies within each moment and how you want to experience it. Personally, I want to feel peace, joy, contentment, supported, loved and empowered – with or without a guy. So the decisions I make or don’t make, support what I want to feel. And in that, it means even in loss, betrayal, sickness, abandonment, abuse etc – even under the worst conditions, I choose to find my way back to my center. I forgive. I focus on what I DO have. I relish in every little moment of beauty, whether it’s a flower, a sunrise or animals being funny. I keep using my skillset to continue to clear stressful emotions. What do you want for your life? Tell me about the kind of life you want to design for yourself (that doesn’t include a man).
If everybody had someone out there that would love them for who they were, the books, videos, & websites like this wouldn’t exist. It just doesn’t work for some people. While this may be true, it wouldn’t be a very human experience now would it? Let’s look at the possible big picture here. If growth is what we need, then how do we grow without the challenges? Life is all about duality. We wouldn’t know light without dark, good without bad, love without hate and so on. The gazillion books, programs and all that stuff out there all holds pieces to a puzzle. What’s the puzzle?? Happiness, peace, contentment, joy etc. I’ve learned throughout the 30 years of being in the health and self-help industry that what works is different for everyone. It all just depends on the person, the methodology, the timing and so many more things we are not even aware of. So all we can do is just keep following whatever inspires us. Eventually that will fade and something else comes in. I just encourage people to stay open and follow where their heart takes them. It’s all a very unpredictable journey.
None of it phased him at all. It didn’t trigger, stir, or awaken anything. It was just yeah I don’t hate anyone, I got my own problems so no offense, I had to unplug myself. So it doesn’t matter now. He checked out. I’m so sorry Moe. I know there were parts of him that you truly enjoyed. It sounds like you made a really beautiful attempt to re-connect and that whatever is happening for him, is bigger than his need to stay connected. It’s not your fault. This is HIS baggage that was there long before you ever came along. He is not set up emotionally, to allow himself to feel deeply happy, in love and vulnerable. It’s quite the challenging thing to feel these emotions. It always requires facing fears and dealing with what comes up and many people are just not equipped, know how or are interested in doing that. I wish the techniques had worked on him, but it sounds like he is more invested in keeping his walls up. This is good you know this now before you really started to invest in a future with him. He would have been a VERY challenging partner on many levels. It still doesn’t change that you miss him and have to deal with the hurt of losing him. I’m so sorry Moe.
Heidi
Hi Noora,
I just wanted to check in. What are you thoughts about what I shared? What are you doing to help yourself right now? What kind of support are you setting up? Any new updates on your situation?
Heidi
Hi Moe! Thanks for sharing more! This is all so great! There is a lot to talk about.
I wouldn’t mind having a rescuer right now, I feel like a mess! I’m curious. What makes you a mess? I get that feeling of not minding to have a rescuer. To have someone you get to feel supported by and feel like a team is really wonderful. AND…if you want that internal strength, the ability to be resilient, the ability to feel truly happy…you need to go through this alone. Having someone come along and “rescue” you, just enables you vs. you figuring out how to do what you need to do, on your own. I’ve learned to build a community of people around me, that I can ask at any time for help. I set myself up where I am not relying on just 1 person to help me, I have several. And you know what? I love it! And so do the people! I used to feel the way you do, but now, I feel so supported and I feel 100% confident that I can do my life on my own – WITH the help of all the different people around me. So although I’m single right now, I am far from alone. I have A LOT of people who “rescue” me in moments of need. Maybe consider building those kinds of relationships instead of wanting a guy to come along and be the main rescuer.
If they just want to, well, have at it then. Again, I would be wary of any guy wanting to come into my life and “fix” things for me, rescue me or take care of me. No thank you! That is unhealthy thinking and disrespectful and dishonoring to you as a woman and as a person.
I really do try to follow the golden rule so I blame myself for acting on emotion when I know better. I get it. We ALL do things that we know is not the smartest thing to do. Lord knows, I know better than to react with high emotions, but every once in awhile, it still happens. It just means we are human. Forgive yourself and let it go. You apologized and there is not much more you can do. If he is not able to forgive your humanness and quickly cuts out, then yikes! He definitely won’t make it very far in any relationship.
I mean, people have married for reasons other than love & wound up growing on each other & made it work. True! Absolutely! People have married for a variety of reasons. Like I said before, as long as both people are on the same page, then any type of “marriage” or agreement can work. That could absolutely happen for you too Moe. However, it sounds like that it not truly what your heart wants. From what it sounds like, you want to be in love, you want a healthy, vibrant, nourishing relationship that you feel safe in. Yes? No?
In reality, I’ve spent many years living in this very small town waiting for “the one” believing the fairy tale that everybody has a soulmate out there. Now I’m close to 50 yrs old, have a hard time finding makeup that won’t settle in the fine lines on my face that’s now thinning, lost my cute body after a total hysterectomy, wasn’t that pretty to begin with(not downing myself, just being real & have other qualities so I’m good), my cooking is fair, I don’t like going out, I have to walk my dog in middle of the night so he doesn’t try to rip somebody’s face off, I have to raise my glasses & squint to read fine print, Even with all of this Moe, you are still lovable. The “right” guy will have eyes for you, JUST AS YOU ARE. I know this current guy is tempting because you don’t feel like you have a lot of options and at least you felt wanted with your changing body. (Just FYI…I love Pure as a makeup line http://www.100percentpure.com). Those are NOT reasons to fall in love though. It’s basically using HIM to make you feel better about yourself instead of going through the process of loving yourself, just as you are – which is the most difficult, yet most empowering journey you could ever take. So what do you want? Do you want HIM to love you so you can feel better about yourself, or do you want to figure that out yourself and stay empowered?
I don’t carry my phone around with me & don’t feel the need to even check it which seems to piss off everybody but I don’t care. This is a tough one. These days, we can’t get away from how people function. The reality is, that people connect through cell phones and you being unreachable, will automatically cause people to not reach out. So if you want to build more of a community around you, if you want to build more friendships, maybe consider carrying your phone around more often. Or find a way to compromise somehow. I’m curious, what is your resistance to having your cell phone with you?
I’m friendly but not bubbly & nobody in my family or among my friends seems to care & doesn’t want to hear about how congress is spending their money or police conducting cavity searches on the side of the road or the truth about the USS Liberty. Not only does he want to hear about it, he knows about it & actually enjoys my company. This is also a tough one. These topics are controversial and political. What you believe and sound very passionate about, are the types of beliefs that cause people to feel quite uncomfortable. This is a REALLY long thing to talk about, but basically, you need to honor that the majority of people out there are not interested in hearing about all the “hidden” stuff that is happening in our world. At the core, it terrifies people and causes them to feel quite unsafe, and who wants to feel like that?? Some people have that kind of strength to handle the types of topics that are important for you. How I navigate my world, is I always honor where people are at, and I stay within conversations that work for BOTH of us. Then there are those few where you get to be your true authentic self. I can understand why you appreciated this guy, because you got to be yourself with him and that’s a really powerful, beautiful feeling!
Honestly, at this point in my life I’m terrified of being alone. As terrible as it makes me seem, even if I wasn’t crazy in love, I would be content with & take care of a man who can fix the roof & the car & wouldn’t hesitate to act if I was in trouble. I didn’t think I’d miss him this much. Weird Let’s explore what you are so terrified of. Tell me about this fear.
This is probably the most important thing you have said. This is the CORE root of your desire to be with this guy more long term and overlook his destructive coping mechanism…you are terrified of being alone. Whenever we have fear at the root, sourcing our feelings and decisions, it NEVER ends up well. Fear is an unstable energy that causes chaos. Things may work for a while, but eventually, what you built with that fear, there will be consequences. It’s kind of like selling your soul. It’s like choosing the lesser option so you can feel better and get out of fear at the moment, but that lesser option brings A LOT of challenges with it vs. working more deeply with that fear, releasing that fear, and then creating your life from a place of confidence, self-trust and self-empowerment. Wouldn’t you rather feel that way than feel fearful and try to fix it by saying yes to a guy who runs away at the slightest hint of challenge? Yes, he has a lot of great qualities that are beautiful, but his coping mechanism is destructive. Unfortunately, the destructive and sabotaging part of him will ALWAYS win out in the end.
So my proposal here is for you to face this fear of being alone. Fear is built on lies. I know it feels real, but fear is about the future…something that hasn’t even happened yet. Fear is a predictive type of energy and cannot be relied on to guide us. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. You will get sooooooo much farther in your life by facing your fear instead of relying on a guy to solve it for you. Facing your fear means you build self-trust, resilience, a community, you learn about yourself, you build more self-esteem and it completely shifts how you move through your life – in a better way.
But I get it…it’s a journey and a tough one. Very few people are willing to do the work to face their fears. It’s so much easier to rely on others to “fix” us, but there are always consequences that come with that. When the other person doesn’t show up the way we need, we end up falling apart…because our safety in life is built around “them” and “them” taking care of us and it builds co-dependency. You get to design your life the way you want to though. I used to take the “easy” road many times. But I took the “hard” road enough times, to build my internal strength so that now….my life is so much easier than most people – even under high amounts of stress. I love who I have become. I love how I get to feel in my life. I love how internally strong I get to feel now. All those years of facing my fears, healing the traumas etc. were well worth it!
Heidi
Hi Moe,
Thank you for sharing everything that you did. The details are helpful!
I just want to make sure I understand correctly. So this guy has decided to cut things off, because you “snapped” at him – and he thinks it’s because he was at that girl’s house. Correct?
The first thing I’d like to reflect to you is that it doesn’t seem like you are very into this guy. It sounds like you more appreciate who he is as a person, but there isn’t much excitement, on your side of things. I’m getting older & it would be nice to have someone & I do care about him. This feels like he would be more of a convenience. I get that you care about him, but it sounds like he is a good person you want more for the company than anything else. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it would cause some MAJOR problems being that he has strong feelings for you. That creates a MAJOR imbalance and would eventually lead to a lot of hurt and dysfunction. Just something to think about.
but I’ve never had somebody try so hard just to walk away like that. This was the first red flag to me. He is saying things like “I want to take care of you and you don’t have to worry anymore…” and he barely knows you. First, saying those kinds of things is automatically setting himself up as the “rescuer” or the “hero” and he is going to swoop in and make sure you never have to worry again. This is the kind of mindset that sets up co-dependence. He NEEDS to be needed. He gets his value by being the rescuer – which in essence and in a very indirect way is saying to you “You can’t take care of yourself, so I will do it for you.” If that’s the type of pattern you want to live in, then go for it. As long as you both are like-minded about that, it can absolutely work! Beyond that, he sure was saying some pretty serious, long term things without really getting to know you. The faster someone rushes in, the harder they will fall. With that in mind, I”m not surprised he cut out so fast. He jumped in fast and when he didn’t get what he wanted or when things got a bit sticky, he stepped out just as fast. This is important for you to pay attention to, because this is a pattern already. He sounds very impulsive. The more impulsive someone is, the less they are able to tolerate things not going their way. It’s A LOT of low self-esteem, childlike thinking and people like that are very emotionally fragile. Just like a 2 year old, they will throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want and they are so impulsive, that they don’t have the patience or mindset to slow down their reaction to gather all the facts and talk adult to adult.
I’ve searched & searched & can’t find anything that would fit this scenario & help keep me from making it worse. It sounds like you are taking full responsibility here about what is happening. Why are YOU the one making it worse? Of course, you are contributing to what is happening, but so is he. So tell me, what have you done to try and resolve this with him? What has HE done to try and solve this?
I’m sad but I’m also very angry & want to tell him that when it mattered the most, he ran away. You find out who people really are in the bad times. THis is a very important thing you said here. He runs. It’s important to pay attention to this! His coping mechanism is to run away. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. Our coping mechanisms, whatever they may be, will ALWAYS be the same, until our last breath. The only thing that changes is how we deal with it. For example, my coping mechanism is to be unavailable and completely distant. My system can shut off and I can become very passive-aggressive. It’s just who I am. However, it’s awful to be on the receiving end of that and it’s incredibly harmful. Over the years, I have had to do A LOT of healing work so that WHEN my coping mechanism gets activated, I can stop myself and make a different decision. I have a skillset, I have accountability and I have standards I hold myself to, that I can stick by now. The ONLY way I can do any of that now, is because I worked at it! So..with that being said, unless a person really works with themselves and how they treat someone else during times of stress, nothing will ever change. So you want to get mad at him about running away, but that’s getting mad at him for something he has always been and always will be. He can say until he is blue in the face that he won’t run anymore, and he can absolutely mean it…but when push comes to shove and the stress is high enough, coping mechanism ALWAYS win out.
So…your job is to accept him for EXACTLY who he is. He isn’t going to change, so is he someone you feel you want to continue to invite into the inner circle of your heart?? If yes, then we can keep talking about how to move forward. If you feel like he isn’t what you want to experience, then it’s time for you to start to let the idea of him go.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Noora,
Thank you for being so beautifully vulnerable and sharing the full story. I do not judge. You are dealing with a very serious level of depression and it’s beyond your ability to deal with on your own. I’m so glad you got some help.
I hope you are still getting help, yes? It’s very possible, with the right therapist, to heal and not have to continue to take medication forever. It’s a lot of work, but definitely possible. Your child needs you Noora. No one will ever replace what you mean to them.
Yes, you are unstable, but so is your ex. To be honest, we ALL are unstable in different areas of life. It’s okay though! It’s part of the human experience and learning how to be resilient. That is your job right now…learning how to be resilient. That means that you have the skills, the mindset, the help and the ability to handle challenges, like your husband cheating, and not letting something like that break you. It means that whatever sadness and hurt you are carrying inside from your past, no longer burdens you and that you know how to forgive and let go of all of those moments of hurt. For you to have the level of depression that you do, means there is a lot of hurt you are carrying around each day. That’s why you need to continue getting professional help so you can learn how to say goodbye to the hurt you are carrying and allow yourself to feel truly happy and stay happy.
I’m glad you have a new friend. Be careful though. Have fun and feel joy AND be aware that you are very vulnerable right now. A man can easily take advantage of that and you wouldn’t even know it was happening. Right now, your 100% focus needs to be on yourself and getting better. And getting better does NOT mean you try and win your husband back. That will NOT fix what you are feeling inside. What you feel inside is for YOU to fix. That’s how you will build resilience. You start to rely on yourself to find your happiness that is NOT connected to anyone else making you happy. That is how you will become a more powerful woman, a more wonderful mother, an incredible role model for your child, and also a very stable and loving lover for a man who will appreciate and value all that you are. Right now, your husband is not that person. Right now, focusing on yourself and creating a plan for healing, is the most important for you and NOT looking for your ex to come back to make you feel better…because that may work for a little bit, but it won’t last and you will end up right back where you are now.
You might resonate with this person. Give it a try and see if this can help you along your journey! https://drjoedispenza.com/
Heidi
Hi Noora,
I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. It’s heartbreaking. Watching the one you love not fight for you and choose someone else, is devastating. I wish there was something I could tell you to “fix” this. In reality, what needs to be “fixed” is so deep and would require A LOT of work by BOTH you and him. You could do everything “right,” but it wouldn’t change that your husband is not interested in doing the work. There is a saying we have here…”You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” It’s the same in relationships. You can show someone ALL the ways to fix something, but you cannot make them take action.
Tell that to my heart. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I have anxiety all the time even the time goes, every day without his love and having just this cold shoulder is making me feel worst and worst. I understand that you feel terrible. That’s what breakups feel like. HOWEVER, it doesn’t mean that this pain you are feeling, means getting back together will help OR that it means it will fix everything.
What is happening here is that you are in so much pain and all you want to do, is get out of it and have him back. Of course! We all would respond the same way. AND…you are wanting to IGNORE all the major problems showing up here in your relationship, just so you can get out of pain. Here is the reality Noora…even if you did get him back, it does not change that he is the kind of guy that would rather cheat and break his integrity. It does not change that he would rather hop into another relationship and ignore the family he has built. It does not change that he is not the kind of guy who will be honest about his feelings, vulnerable and willing to work through the stresses he might be feeling. He is the kind of guy that will up and leave and go take what he wants while he leaves a HUGE mess behind. He does not care about how his choices are affecting you or his son. So…even if you get him back, he will do the same thing down the road again. A person doesn’t change how they respond to stress unless they work on themselves and learn new skills about how to handle stress. He is NOT that kind of guy, so let’s look at the truth here….you will be in pain WITH him over and over again and you are in pain without him. Either way, you are facing A LOT of challenges. It’s not real that you think everything will be better if he comes back. He has broken trust. He has lied. He has chosen another woman. He has broken your family. Your relationship is VERY damaged and that is what needs to be looked at and paid attention to. Do you really want to get him back just so you can be with him and then always wonder where he is? Wonder if he is still talking to the other girl, or has a new girlfriend? Always feeling like you don’t trust him? Because that is what it will feel like being with him again. He is not interested in repairing the trust he broke and you can’t “make” him do that either. I wish there were a way, but the reality is, your relationship is broken and the only way to TRULY fix it, is for both of you to want that…and that’s the breaking point here…he doesn’t want that. Here is a very good video about breaking up and what you are going through right now. Maybe this will help: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM?si=q4-TgocJQsbO8PdW
And to your questions what love means to me, is small things in life and intress of other and caring even tho is hard. Taking care of each other and fasing problems together. Everything you listed here about what love means to you, is NOT happening in your relationship. The love and bond you feel with him has A LOT of dysfunction in it and is NOT the kind of love you are describing.
Ofcourse I would like to have even small amout that affection wich he gave to this other women. So it is in him and he is able to give it and once even I got that. A small amount of affection is enough for you??? Really??? You think your beautiful heart is worth only a small amount of affection??? The reality is, no matter what he is capable of, it doesn’t matter. You have to look at who he is TODAY and deal with that. And TODAY, he is incredibly unkind and being disrespectful with his choices.
He said that his love have faded away, even tho there have been not 24/7 good my love have not. I don’t know how to change things that way that he would again love me and just me. This is not for you to change. Whatever is happening for HIM, that’s for HIM to fix and not you. You cannot fix or change what lives within someone else. It has to be THEIR choice to fix or change things.
I want only his affection and his presence and enjoy our son together. Of course you want this. It sounds so simple, right? It’s not what is available for you though. There is no way that even IF he came back, this is how it would be. Again, he has broken and damaged the connection on so many levels. Do you really think you would be able to just completely enjoy him and be a family again after everything he has done? It’s not like you can just forget about what has happened. You don’t just want his presence and affection. You want a guy you can trust. You want a guy you can feel emotionally safe with. You want a guy who fights for you and your son. You want a guy who is honest. You want a guy who is authentic. You want a guy who fights for love and will help to keep the love alive. You want soooooo much more than what he is willing to offer you. He just can’t be that guy for you Noora. I’m so sorry. This problem you are facing is VERY BIG and no matter how much YOU change or try to fix the broken parts, it won’t change the kind of guy he is.
One of the very best things you can do for yourself, is start to see your situation through different eyes. Right now you only see and feel the pain and want it to go away. How about asking friends and family what they think and see about your relationship? How about learning about what healthy relationships look like? You NEED to get other perspectives and other experts educating you, so you can see what is happening from a more clear and wise perspective instead of just seeing everything through your pain and heartbreak. Here are some videos to get you started.
Heidi
Hi Deborah!
Oh no! I am soooo so sorry you are having to go through that! It’s such an awful feeling to watch the one you love, leave you and choose someone else.
Would you mind sharing more details? He must have been having an affair with his ex to feel solid about leaving you and going back to her.
Can you tell me about your relationship with him? Did you really like being with him? Would you say that you guys had a really strong connection from your perspective? Was there anything about your relationship that HE would complain about or did he express that he was unhappy about anything?? How was your sex life? Vibrant? Exciting? No so much? What is your theory as to why he left and went back to her?
The 12 word text is basically just activating his hero instinct. It’s just asking them for a favor. The thing is, if there are inherent challenges in your relationship, the 12 word text will not fix any of that. It’s more meant to inspire them to want to help you with something, which opens the opportunity for re-connecting. But if the connection is not something they want to participate in, then the text doesn’t really work. I’m not sure the text approach is your best option at this point, so if you’re willing to share more about your situation, we can discuss something that matches your situation best.
It’s a bit of a red flag for him to be living with you for that long and then all of a sudden leaving you for an ex. It’s a VERY unhealthy decision he is making and there are a lot of consequences he will be facing soon enough. He may think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence right now, but soon enough…he will discover the hardships from what he chose.
I know you desperately want him to come home. I know you love him and want to create a long term life with him, so the best option here is to figure out why he left in the first place AND to really consider if this is the kind of person you want to invest in. As you are currently experiencing, you now know that he is willing to bail and hop into another experience. What that tells me is that he is most likely impulsive and doesn’t deal with stress head on. He is probably someone who has a tendency to run from what he feels instead of facing it. I’m not sure what your coping mechanisms are, but in the end, studies have shown that it’s how we treat each other in the worst moments that determine the success and health of a relationship. So even if you do get him back, it wouldn’t guarantee that he would end up staying or that anything would be different. That’s why it’s important to truly understood and look at how you both connected to each other, how you treated each other, how you valued each other – both in the good and the challenging times – to truly understand why he may have chosen to leave.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
This is always sad for me to hear. It’s so hard to say goodbye to a connection, even if it was a challenging one. Regardless of the type of connection, there was a connection – and that is what’s hard to let go of. It sounds like you are staying very grounded in your truth and what is highest outcome, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.
Like I said before, you are incredibly courageous and strong for you to go with the flow vs. trying to force the direction you wanted. You are trusting in the bigger picture, something you can’t see or know, but nonetheless, you are letting go. Well done!
If you need help with anything else, we are always here to support you! It was a pleasure crossing paths with you!!!
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
Just checking in. How is everything going? How are you feeling about what your situation?
Heidi
Hi Berenice,
Welcome! I can definitely see why you suspect he is seeing someone else. There are plenty of signs.
Well, there is one way, that I have seen work REALLY well. The person confronting says something to the effect of “I know you are seeing someone else….” So basically, they call it out pretending that they really know, but obviously the other person has no idea they don’t really know. Many times, the other person breaks down and admits to everything because they believe they have been caught.
Other than that, I personally would just be very direct. Something has changed, so have a direct conversation about it. I think if you present it in a way that opens him up, you might get some answers. For example, you could say “Listen. Something has changed and it causes me to believe that you are seeing someone else. (list the changes that you have noticed in his behavior). I’m not sure I mind completely, as we have had an open relationship before and if that is something you want again, let’s talk about it. I really just want openness and honesty between us and then we can both make clear decisions from that place.” If he doesn’t admit to anything, you can follow with “Then tell me what is happening for you. These changes in our connection feels like there is more distance between us. Can we talk honestly about that?”
Make sure you don’t say things like “YOU are more distant. YOU are not responsive. YOU….” That can easily put him on the defensive. Make sure you say things like “I feel like our connection is not as strong….It feels like your attention might be somewhere else sometimes…It feels like the text messages you are sending me are less intimate….” These are softer ways to say what you want to say when open with “It feels like….” instead of blaming energy like “You are doing….you are being….you are not doing….” etc.
In a relationship, there are 3 components…YOU, THEM, THE RELATIONSHIP. When there is conflict or something happening, it’s the CONNECTION that needs to be addressed instead of directly pointing the finger at them. When you speak to the connection, it helps keep the spotlight specifically off of them and instead on the connection, which you participate in creating. This mindset helps avoid “blaming” and instead keeps the focus where it belongs.
Does this make sense?? How do you feel about this approach?
How do I make him want to see me during the week so I can ease my concerns. This mindset is not really a healthy mindset. Do you really want to “make” him do anything?? Instead, it’s about exploring and being curious about how to naturally inspire that desire from him. So that would also be a conversation you can have with him. It seems like you were okay with the weekend only design until he started feeling more distant. So I’m not sure what you really want. Do you want to see him during the week now? Even if he weren’t distancing? What would you really like from him?
Heidi
Hi Niki,
Wow! I have so much respect for you that you are able to embrace what I have said. Do you know how much strength that takes??? You have a lot more strong self-esteem than you give yourself credit for.
I kinda think this is the story of my life. Always ending up with emotional occupied men. It really cuts my selfesteem and believe in true relationships. I understand. I used to be like this too. I always interacted with emotionally occupied men and always, at some point, I paid the price for that. Eventually, after doing enough deep healing work, I created a deeper self-love that said “I love myself more than the connection I feel with this man who cannot offer me what I want.” This is actually quite a common pattern amongst women. There are a lot of social reason, psychological reasons and instinctual pattern reasons. It’s not all about low self-esteem. I’ve studied this pattern extensively, because of how strong this pattern is socially. Bottom line is, the way you change this pattern, is valuing your heart more than the connection.
Imagine you are the CEO of a HUGE, POWERFUL company called…your heart…and you are looking to hire someone to help care for your heart. A good CEO KNOWS the value of the heart, protects, considers it sacred and is VERY careful about who they hire to help run the company. The interview process is quite extensive. The CEO will require several interviews, before being considered for a position. Even after being hired, a person starts at the bottom and EARNS their way up to higher level status. Dating is the process of interviewing someone to see if they even have the qualifications to handle your heart in a respectful and honoring way. A guy needs to EARN your trust and you need to be discerning. That’s why taking things very slow is important. It allows for an “employee” to show you their REAL side so you can then decide what position, if at all, that person would fit into for your “company.” Again, as the CEO, your job, first and foremost, is to KNOW and PROTECT your valuable, sacred heart and be very discerning with how a person gets to interact with it.
Do you think it’s a good idea to confront him with the fact that he is not ready for a steady relationship? Nope. This is HIS life and you wouldn’t be telling him anything he doesn’t already know. It’s not your job to confront him about this.
As a friend, it’s your job to accept him for his choices. You can speak about it this way though…”I appreciate so much the time we have shared intimately. I have to admit that I got a little attached, so it’s best for me to distance myself for a bit. I want more than you are able to offer right now, and that’s okay. You’ve been through a lot recently and it’s important for you to focus on creating a new version of yourself and not be in a new relationship. I’m going to say goodbye for a little bit, so I can un-attach from the idea of you and then we can be friends again.” This approach is talking about yourself and NOT pointing the finger at him.I still want to help him get his life back together and work at myself at the same time.. on my selflove.. not always forgetting myself. Not your job. Again, this is HIS journey and he needs to figure it out on his own. If he specifically asks for help, then of course offer your ideas, but in the end, HE needs to be in enough pain to start to do his life differently. That means there needs to be something, very natural inside of him, that makes him want to ask for help and get his life back together. Pain is a VERY important part of this process. Pain is a motivator for change. So LET HIM HAVE HIS PAIN!!!! If you try to make him feel better or be the one to help him, it may alleviate the pain, but not because HE is doing anything about it. He needs to be an ACTIVE participant in his life design instead of you coming along and showing him the way. Besides, when he does it on his own, it will mean soooooo much more for his healing.
You need to just focus on yourself. That is PLENTY of work all by itself. You know the saying “Put the mask on yourself first, before putting it on your child.” You only have 2 hands and you need them to put the mask on yourself. You cannot put it on yourself AND him at the same time. So you need to choose. Either focus on him or you and then deal with what that means for your life. If you truly want healing, then you focus on yourself. If you still want to stay in the “rescue him” mindset, then you will just stay in that pattern of forgetting yourself. So it’s up to you!
Heidi
Okay, you share a little more information in your other post.
This is a super RED FLAG situation Nikki. I know you see a future with this guy, but it’s very obvious he is NOT in the space at all. He just got divorced and that, in and of itself, means he NEEDS some time to figure out who he is, WITHOUT his wife and kids. He has to create a whole new life and that is a HUGE undertaking!!!! And…on top of that, the divorce was not his choice, so he is going to have a lot of feelings about that as well, that he has to work through.
This guy sounds like he is in the mindset of just wanting to “play” and not be serious with anyone. He wants to have sex, have fun and not get into another relationship. AND…that’s how it NEEDS to be for him right now. He is NOT available for what you want.
I’m so sorry to say this, but the best thing you can do is disconnect from him. You are only going to get hurt. He cannot offer you what you want. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for you and it doesn’t mean that down the road, something can’t happen…it just means that RIGHT NOW he is not ready for something serious. He just ended a marriage. He needs some time. This has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with the space he is in right now. If I were his coach, I would also be advising him to stay away from women. No dating, no sex and spend some time processing everything that is happening and do some healing work. It’s not the common path that most men take, as they are able to have sex and keep it light pretty easily…but in the meantime, they also end up breaking a lot of hearts when the women realize he isn’t TRULY available for anything more.
Just something to think about Nikki.
Heidi
Hi Niki,
I am reading this post after I already responded to your other post. You gave a little more detail here, so I will go back and share a few more thoughts on the other thread. So let’s keep the other thread going and we can close this one out.
Hi Niki,
Welcome! I’m glad you are here. Would you mind sharing more about your situation? How long have you known this guy? How did you meet? How do you know about what he feels? Why do you think he is confused?
It sounds like you and this guy are not actually dating or in a relationship. It sounds like you like him and he might like you back, but that he also has feelings for another woman. Is this accurate?
The 12 word text is mostly used for trying to re-connect with someone you have been in relationship with already. It’s less about the exact words and more about the concept of activating the guy’s hero instinct. You start by saying something like “Hey. I need your help with something.” That automatically can activate the “hero” in them, because they get to help you with something. Hopefully they respond and are interested in helping you. If they do, you ask to talk on the phone and then tell them what you would like help with. Once they complete the favor, you really appreciate them for their help. You have to be careful though, because many guys can see right through it and will know that the girl is just trying to be “manipulative” and get him to connect through making something up. So the delivery and what you ask them for is really important.
For your situation, I’m not sure this is the best method. I don’t know enough about what is happening to know that for sure.
What I do know is that even though you want him to only have eyes for you, which is something we ALL want from those we have feelings for, a more healthy mindset – which is more loving and honoring of who YOU are – is this: “I know I am lovable and valuable and worth knowing, whether or not this guy feels that way. I will not settle for a guy who isn’t sure about me. I want and deserve a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know me and include me in his life.” This is self-love. Relationships are hard enough as it is, so to add on top of that trying to “convince” or get a guy to like you, can really change the dynamics. When a guy feels like you are pushing YOUR agenda onto him of getting him to like you, he will classify that as a “needy” or “desperate” woman, because essentially you are the one chasing him. But if you stay in your power, connect to your own value and KNOW that you are worth knowing and being with and NOT chase him and wait for him to come to you, he will classify that as a “strong” woman who he will be more attracted to. That sets up a very different dynamic and a more healthy kind of connection from the very beginning. It doesn’t mean that you taking this approach will get him to like you and pursue you and forget about the other woman. It just means that you will be okay whether or not he chooses you. It means that you are “allowing” the connection to happen organically and naturally and NOT forcing the connection by doing whatever you need to do to get him to choose you.
Does this make sense? I know it’s probably not what you want to hear and I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. I’ve worked with dating long enough to know what types of mindsets set a couple up for long term success.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You can do whatever you want to do. At this point, I’m not sure it will get the result you want. He seems pretty adamant about keeping you out of his life.
If you are wanting to write a letter to get him back, I would say maybe shift the focus. When a guy feels pressure on any level, which from his reactions and coldness he is not responding well to your inquiries, writing him letter might just fuel his frustration that he is trying to set a boundary with you and you are not honoring or listening to what HE wants.
This is where it can get really sticky and tricky. I know you want him back, but a more loving thing is to also honor and respect what he wants. What he wants matters too and is just as important to him. A good partner is able to honor and understand what the other wants and compromises. Unfortunately, at this point, he is not caring about what you want.
Writing a letter can be a good thing as long as you are not adding any kind of pressure onto him. So it could be a “thank you” kind of letter where you are just appreciating him for the experience that you had together and that you will honor his choice and not reach out anymore. It’s a nice closure letter. And when he senses that acceptance from you, it might actually inspire him to open back up again.
Whatever you choose to do, DO NOT expect a response. Write a letter you feel good about and then let it go.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
