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Hi Cynthia,
Soooo many times I have used the phrase “just do it” because I was facing a big fear. I get it. Usually behind our big fears, are second chances waiting to be seized. We just have to be willing to step through the door. I know how hard that is. AND I also know there has never been a time that I regretted it. Every single time, the things that I gained for myself were far greater than where I had been, staring at my fear. Sometimes it does take awhile to see and feel that, but the gifts and opportunities always show up.
Maybe you can watch some movies that can encourage you. I use that as a way to help me all the time. I will find a movie that motivating. A movie where the character is having to face a big fear and I watch them make it to the other side. I know it’s just a movie, but many movies have stories we can all identify with. Under the Tuscan Sun is a good one. Just an idea.
We are here to support you no matter what. Even if you decide to stay in this design for awhile longer, we understand and know how difficult of a time this is. We will keep encouraging you and supporting you for whatever it is that you are ready to deal with. Just know that you are not alone through this, no matter your choices.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m not really surprised he hasn’t said anything. He has been wispy washy this entire time. He doesn’t know what he wants, which is why he is seeing both of you and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. In a way, he is forcing YOU to decide, so he doesn’t have to. That way, he doesn’t have to feel the challenge of making the decision. It’s another way of him avoiding what he needs to face.
Again, I want to invite you to just take responsibility for yourself. Instead of waiting for HIM to decide, it’s time for YOU to decide and take responsibility for yourself. I know it’s hard for you, but both of you keep putting the decision in the other person’s hands and neither of you are really willing to make that decision at this point. And that’s okay. You have 30 years together. There is NOTHING easy about breaking up and losing a dream.
I know you want him to fight for you right now, but I’m not sure that’s really realistic at this point. This is why I’m encouraging you to fight for yourself. Maybe instead of making this and end forever, what if you suggested to just take a break for 3 months. No contact, no nothing and then set a date 3 months away and agree to come back together and talk about things. How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You know, I think it is so great that you only had sex once. That says something! Sex is not dominating how you both interact with each other, yet he is still very affectionate. That’s wonderful!
How in the world did he break one of his teeth?? That sucks! Was it fixable?
Wow…it’s been 3 months? It seems like much longer….closer to 6 months! You guys just seem like such a good match and that makes me so happy. It sounds like you guys are likeminded enough to be able to have a really good flow in life. No rushing, just enjoying the moment and enjoying each other’s company while still living separate lives. Woohoo!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
When do you start the project again? Have you researched Meetup groups there yet? What’s the social scene like there? I have no doubt you will meet some fun new people. You are quite adventurous and connective and fun, so I’m sure you will be a breath of fresh air there!
Heidi
Hi Annika,
I wish there were a way to just clear negative thinking for someone. That’s really up to that person. I’m not sure how much it is that negativity is what is stopping him from wanting to date you seriously. His work and his career are priority. He may just want to have hook ups and not date anyone seriously, as you already experienced how hard it is for him to make plans. Even though you never complained, it still is really frustrating, even for him. This is an aspect you cannot change about him. How can you date someone seriously when he is hardly available? It’s not possible. Someday, when he is ready to slow down at work, he will have more room to be able to meet someone, but that time is not right now.
If he texts you again, make sure to take some time before you respond to it. Wait a few hours. Even wait until the next day. He might respond to that more.
I think it’s time for you to let this guy go and move on. Find a guy who is actually available and not married to his work. You will be so much more happy for it! You don’t want to spend your time competing against a guy’s work…you will always lose. I know it’s hard, but give yourself some time and let your heart heal from letting this guy go, then open it back up again to some new possibilities. There will be another guy that comes along that can make you feel excited and passionate and wonderful.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
My heart just sank hearing about JB’s mom. How awful. It’s such a hard loss, on so many levels when you lose a parent. I will be sending him a lot of good vibes as he deals with a life now without his mother. I’m sorry for you too, as this affects you. I have no doubt you feel the sadness of the situation as well and wish you could bring him comfort. He will be ready in time. So so sad.
I was kind of giggling inside that you were saying you had no idea what to put on your resume, then the following paragraph contained everything you would put in your resume…and you just didn’t know it. I’m glad you connected to it and feel good about it!
Your mother sounds like she has some amazing and wonderful qualities as well. Although she was very limited in a lot of ways and caused a lot of hurt, I’m happy to know she is improving and able to make some good changes that allow you and your brother to connect.
It does sound like there are still some areas to work on forgiveness with her. When you say ” Or maybe, it’s not so much forgiveness, as an unwillingness to cut her some slack and refusing to see her as a young woman, full of fears and worries and responsibilities that we all fill up when we have kids.” The part of you wanting to hold her accountable and not cut her some slack, is the part of you that is not forgiving. When we have completely forgiven AND healed, there are no negative emotions around the events or person that caused us harm. Forgiveness does not mean forget, it just means the negativity in our hearts has been released and there is no longer a need to hold the person accountable, be passive aggressive or whatever it is we each do in response to being hurt. There are MANY layers to work through with parents…lol. I’m glad you are working on it though. That’s all that really matters.
Another exercise is creating 2 columns. On the left side, write what hurt, what made you angry, what made you resentful etc. and then directly across in the other column write “And I choose to forgive my mom for this.” You may not actually feel that way, but that’s okay. The more and more you can do something like this, the more it can start to shift in your heart.
Heidi
I can offer a few ideas, as I am very close to my mother. My mother has messed up so badly and caused an incredible amount of harm in my life, but the 1 quality she had, which is why we are so close, is that she cared. She not only cared about the harm she caused, she did therapy, she worked on herself so deeply so she could wake up to her patterns and her limitations. That allows me to look at her and know that despite all her limitations, she fights for her life. She fights for her emotional health. She fights for her happiness (still to the very day) and that is what allows me to accept her, love her and also to follow her example. So to me, being a mother is being a role model. Protective. Caring. Wanting the very best for your child. Being a good listener. Being a good problem solver. Being a good guide. What “good” is, is relative to each person and each culture. I have no doubt, your mother felt she was doing a “good” thing by getting those bras for you (even though it turned out to be messy for you). Being a mother is hard, so an important quality to develop is forgiveness, mostly for yourself and for your own limitations and lack of knowledge and wisdom when you needed it most.
Those are things I imagine a mother would want to be for their child (even if it ends up pretty messy). I imagine that everything you feel you are in being a “big sister” to your kids, are qualities of the kind of mother you want to be…you just don’t want to use that word. And that’s okay! That’s what life is, right? Figuring this stuff out, so we can heal.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Let’s start with the resume thing. The paragraph below, defines how YOU bring value. I guess I look at value as something that YOU are adding to a situation that causes it to be more or better. So you asking customers if they were happy, is adding value to the experience. It’s taking something mundane and making it more (adding value) than what it was, just by itself if you weren’t there. So value is how you personally ADD TO a situation. That would include both your skills and your attitude. Although, companies are more interested in the attitude you carry. Skills can be taught.
“I was hired as a cashier, and then I worked in the customer service position. I loved solving problems and diffusing tense situations. (what do you love about solving problems and diffusing tense situations?) I loved being in charge of stuff. (what is stuff? Offer details.) I loved working on the floor, helping customers. (what do you do to help customers?) My latest responsibilities with the stock, have been more physical but so much more satisfying. (what exactly is satisfying?) Actually, I can’t say more, because for one night, I had to go back to the front end to cover for a bunch of absentees, and it was extremely exhilarating to step back into solving problems and satisfying irate customers. (why was it exhilarating?)
Basically, by offering details, you share what is personal. You give the person reading your resume, a sense of who YOU are, beyond any technical skills. Is this helpful?
Let’s talk about the mother thing. I understand how it feels cultural for you and how you felt the need to separate yourself from everyone. I also want to encourage you to include your relationship with your mother as a big influence. The one woman who is your main role model in life, you hated. You carried a lot of resentment and anger towards her and she was your “mother.” If you put it in your mind, as a child, you wanted to do everything opposite of her and you wanted to be nothing like her (which was a mother), then when you had your own kids, you became like her in the sense that you became a mother. So my guess is, your relationship with her is influencing how you feel about the word pretty intensely. You still carry very strong feelings about your mother, so that would be a place to start, if you are interested in healing and uniting and re-defining what it means to be a mother.
Heidi
Hi Maie,
Welcome! We would love to help! All you need to do is tell us what your situation is, in as much detail as you are willing to share. Then let us know what questions you want answered. What specific guidance are you looking for? Then we will answer with our thoughts and guidance and most likely ask more questions to help us better understand what is going on for you.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m going to be pretty blunt and realistic here. I hope this is okay.
Yes, there always is that possibility that he will see her without you knowing. That is a risk you are taking by inviting him back into your life. Reality is, cheating is a way that he is getting his needs met. If he were really going to change that behavior and learn healthier ways to meet his needs AND deal with the deeper issues underlying his behaviors, he has to be willing to do the work…ON HIMSELF. Otherwise, the odds of him cheating again are pretty high. Him leaving is more than just issues you had in your marriage. Any issue that shows up in a marriage begins with each individual having reactions / feelings / thoughts about something that are heavy or negative. Those negative feelings then get triggered by the someone else’s behaviors. So the issues in marriage are really just reflections of what is happening inside each person. You guys can work on improving communication, going on date nights, having better sex etc. Those are all behavior modification methods, which are needed and helpful. However, those types of things don’t resolve his depression. They don’t resolve the feelings of betrayal you are going to be dealing with now. They don’t resolve that his choice to get his needs met is to cheat. They don’t resolve the deeper issue as to why communication is so difficult.
This is why I originally suggested to find a 3rd party person that is a specialist and can help you both deal with the deeper, underlying issues that exist. But since that is not something you are willing to do, the next best thing you could do is maybe pick a book and go through it together. Go to a couples weekend workshop. Even me, who specializes in love and relationships, would want a 3rd party to help, because despite all I know, I am also not 100% objective. It’s so important that when repairing something of this magnitude, that you get several perspectives.
To simply answer your question about your trust challenges now, it’s simple. If you are going to move forward with him, you have to forgive him wholly and completely. Any resentment or hurt you hold onto, will keep your thoughts and feelings in the past and not the present. However, as simple as it is, it is far from easy and has a lot of different layers to it. This is where your own personal work will need to happen. You can start that process this very second. Forgive him for his choices and his limitations. Forgive yourself for not being able to meet your own needs. And then release it. One technique I like is writing everything down that I need to say and feel, then tying it to several helium balloons and release it. You can write a letter to him and then burn it. You may need to do things like this several times, but that’s okay. There are several layers to the hurt, but remember it is your hurt and not for him to carry. If you hold this against him, even in your heart, it will only become a wall between you guys and healing won’t be possible.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you had some high hope for this relationship to really go somewhere.
Would you mind sharing what you wrote about wanting more time from him? That would be helpful so we can better guide you.
It’s pretty normal to over analyze and think about him a lot, especially in the beginning. I imagine you loved you him on some level, or at least heading in that direction. When there is a breakup like this, it can be quite shocking and then triggers your need to analyze ever little aspect of everything, trying to create your own resolution.
What have you come up with so far? What exactly are trying to resolve within yourself about the situation? Do you feel your expectations were extremely high with your request for more time, in general? Or just extremely high for him and his situation? He obviously felt they were extremely high, but anyone would feel that if they are already feeling overwhelmed with what they are doing, so I’m curious as to your perspective.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Well done! You said the words and you started the process. It’s a step and that means there is going to be movement and change happening soon. You will deal with the next moment when it shows up.
Again, let’s say he does want to come back and chooses you…what are the next steps SPECIFICALLY? You know you don’t want things to be how they were before, so what action steps are you wanting from him SPECIFICALLY? This is important for you to be very clear about, so he knows what to expect as he comes back to you. What do you want the relationship to look like? How do you want it to function? Maybe just pick 1 or 2 specific things that he can work on and then agree to check in once per month, go on a date to a nice dinner and then talk about the progress. Of course you also want to ask him what 1 or 2 things he would like you to work on.
That maybe even be something you mention to him sooner than later…something like, “Before you decide which direction you are going to head, I do want you to know something. I am not interested in our relationship going back to the way it was. Things were broken and I am willing to look at those things and work on them with you. So know that if you do decide to come back to me, I am interested in making improvements in our relationship.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh my gosh!!! I LOVE this!!! Thank you so much for sharing! It’s wonderful to get to see you and put a face to your name. You are so much fun!!!!!
You definitely are a vibrant energy and I have no doubt you will attract a similar enough energy that will compliment you. You never know Rhonda. It only takes a single moment for paths to cross and your lives are changed forever. I will choose that vision for you!
I’m glad you have work as well. It’s so much more peaceful that way and I am even so much more happy to hear that you love your manager!!! Your life if going to be so much better with your new job!
Please keep us updated as long as you can!
Heidi
OMG!!! Emilie!!!!
If I were sitting at a coffee shop having a chat with you, I would be glued to your story!!! I of course would be asking a million questions and acting that like that girlie kind of girl while listening to all the details. lol! It sounds amazing! It sounds peaceful, it sounds balanced, it sounds nourishing, it sounds just wonderful. This was a really good trip and you got to learn more about each other in various ways. How was it to ski together? Were you guys close enough to the same level that you could actually ski together? How was the sex? I imagine that it maybe is getting even better since you both were sharing more personal things AND you were away on vacation for a bit. Vacation sex can be pretty wonderful!
It just sounds like you both flowed really well together. It makes everything so much easier right? Imagine you wanting to eat and him wanting to ski, or you wanting to just window shop and him wanting to take a nap. Little things like can get exposed during travel and although it’s not a deal breaker kind of thing, it can add some challenge. So I love hearing that you guys were on the same page and enjoyed everything as it showed up. That makes future traveling that much easier!
Thank you for the update!!! It’s made my day knowing that everything turned out really well for you Emilie. You deserve to feel this!
Heidi
OMG!!! Emilie!!!!
If I were sitting at a coffee shop having a chat with you, I would be glued to your story!!! I of course would be asking a million questions and acting that like that girlie kind of girl while listening to all the details. lol! It sounds amazing! It sounds peaceful, it sounds balanced, it sounds nourishing, it sounds just wonderful. This was a really good trip and you got to learn more about each other in various ways. How was it to ski together? Were you guys close enough to the same level that you could actually ski together? How was the sex? I imagine that it maybe is getting even better since you both were sharing more personal things AND you were away on vacation for a bit. Vacation sex can be pretty wonderful!
It just sounds like you both flowed really well together. It makes everything so much easier right? Imagine you wanting to eat and him wanting to ski, or you wanting to just window shop and him wanting to take a nap. Little things like can get exposed during travel and although it’s not a deal breaker kind of thing, it can add some challenge. So I love hearing that you guys were on the same page and enjoyed everything as it showed up. That makes future traveling that much easier!
Thank you for the update!!! It’s made my day knowing that everything turned out really well for you Emilie. You deserve to feel this!
Heidi
