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Hi Maie,
Welcome! We would love to help! All you need to do is tell us what your situation is, in as much detail as you are willing to share. Then let us know what questions you want answered. What specific guidance are you looking for? Then we will answer with our thoughts and guidance and most likely ask more questions to help us better understand what is going on for you.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m going to be pretty blunt and realistic here. I hope this is okay.
Yes, there always is that possibility that he will see her without you knowing. That is a risk you are taking by inviting him back into your life. Reality is, cheating is a way that he is getting his needs met. If he were really going to change that behavior and learn healthier ways to meet his needs AND deal with the deeper issues underlying his behaviors, he has to be willing to do the work…ON HIMSELF. Otherwise, the odds of him cheating again are pretty high. Him leaving is more than just issues you had in your marriage. Any issue that shows up in a marriage begins with each individual having reactions / feelings / thoughts about something that are heavy or negative. Those negative feelings then get triggered by the someone else’s behaviors. So the issues in marriage are really just reflections of what is happening inside each person. You guys can work on improving communication, going on date nights, having better sex etc. Those are all behavior modification methods, which are needed and helpful. However, those types of things don’t resolve his depression. They don’t resolve the feelings of betrayal you are going to be dealing with now. They don’t resolve that his choice to get his needs met is to cheat. They don’t resolve the deeper issue as to why communication is so difficult.
This is why I originally suggested to find a 3rd party person that is a specialist and can help you both deal with the deeper, underlying issues that exist. But since that is not something you are willing to do, the next best thing you could do is maybe pick a book and go through it together. Go to a couples weekend workshop. Even me, who specializes in love and relationships, would want a 3rd party to help, because despite all I know, I am also not 100% objective. It’s so important that when repairing something of this magnitude, that you get several perspectives.
To simply answer your question about your trust challenges now, it’s simple. If you are going to move forward with him, you have to forgive him wholly and completely. Any resentment or hurt you hold onto, will keep your thoughts and feelings in the past and not the present. However, as simple as it is, it is far from easy and has a lot of different layers to it. This is where your own personal work will need to happen. You can start that process this very second. Forgive him for his choices and his limitations. Forgive yourself for not being able to meet your own needs. And then release it. One technique I like is writing everything down that I need to say and feel, then tying it to several helium balloons and release it. You can write a letter to him and then burn it. You may need to do things like this several times, but that’s okay. There are several layers to the hurt, but remember it is your hurt and not for him to carry. If you hold this against him, even in your heart, it will only become a wall between you guys and healing won’t be possible.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you had some high hope for this relationship to really go somewhere.
Would you mind sharing what you wrote about wanting more time from him? That would be helpful so we can better guide you.
It’s pretty normal to over analyze and think about him a lot, especially in the beginning. I imagine you loved you him on some level, or at least heading in that direction. When there is a breakup like this, it can be quite shocking and then triggers your need to analyze ever little aspect of everything, trying to create your own resolution.
What have you come up with so far? What exactly are trying to resolve within yourself about the situation? Do you feel your expectations were extremely high with your request for more time, in general? Or just extremely high for him and his situation? He obviously felt they were extremely high, but anyone would feel that if they are already feeling overwhelmed with what they are doing, so I’m curious as to your perspective.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Well done! You said the words and you started the process. It’s a step and that means there is going to be movement and change happening soon. You will deal with the next moment when it shows up.
Again, let’s say he does want to come back and chooses you…what are the next steps SPECIFICALLY? You know you don’t want things to be how they were before, so what action steps are you wanting from him SPECIFICALLY? This is important for you to be very clear about, so he knows what to expect as he comes back to you. What do you want the relationship to look like? How do you want it to function? Maybe just pick 1 or 2 specific things that he can work on and then agree to check in once per month, go on a date to a nice dinner and then talk about the progress. Of course you also want to ask him what 1 or 2 things he would like you to work on.
That maybe even be something you mention to him sooner than later…something like, “Before you decide which direction you are going to head, I do want you to know something. I am not interested in our relationship going back to the way it was. Things were broken and I am willing to look at those things and work on them with you. So know that if you do decide to come back to me, I am interested in making improvements in our relationship.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh my gosh!!! I LOVE this!!! Thank you so much for sharing! It’s wonderful to get to see you and put a face to your name. You are so much fun!!!!!
You definitely are a vibrant energy and I have no doubt you will attract a similar enough energy that will compliment you. You never know Rhonda. It only takes a single moment for paths to cross and your lives are changed forever. I will choose that vision for you!
I’m glad you have work as well. It’s so much more peaceful that way and I am even so much more happy to hear that you love your manager!!! Your life if going to be so much better with your new job!
Please keep us updated as long as you can!
Heidi
OMG!!! Emilie!!!!
If I were sitting at a coffee shop having a chat with you, I would be glued to your story!!! I of course would be asking a million questions and acting that like that girlie kind of girl while listening to all the details. lol! It sounds amazing! It sounds peaceful, it sounds balanced, it sounds nourishing, it sounds just wonderful. This was a really good trip and you got to learn more about each other in various ways. How was it to ski together? Were you guys close enough to the same level that you could actually ski together? How was the sex? I imagine that it maybe is getting even better since you both were sharing more personal things AND you were away on vacation for a bit. Vacation sex can be pretty wonderful!
It just sounds like you both flowed really well together. It makes everything so much easier right? Imagine you wanting to eat and him wanting to ski, or you wanting to just window shop and him wanting to take a nap. Little things like can get exposed during travel and although it’s not a deal breaker kind of thing, it can add some challenge. So I love hearing that you guys were on the same page and enjoyed everything as it showed up. That makes future traveling that much easier!
Thank you for the update!!! It’s made my day knowing that everything turned out really well for you Emilie. You deserve to feel this!
Heidi
OMG!!! Emilie!!!!
If I were sitting at a coffee shop having a chat with you, I would be glued to your story!!! I of course would be asking a million questions and acting that like that girlie kind of girl while listening to all the details. lol! It sounds amazing! It sounds peaceful, it sounds balanced, it sounds nourishing, it sounds just wonderful. This was a really good trip and you got to learn more about each other in various ways. How was it to ski together? Were you guys close enough to the same level that you could actually ski together? How was the sex? I imagine that it maybe is getting even better since you both were sharing more personal things AND you were away on vacation for a bit. Vacation sex can be pretty wonderful!
It just sounds like you both flowed really well together. It makes everything so much easier right? Imagine you wanting to eat and him wanting to ski, or you wanting to just window shop and him wanting to take a nap. Little things like can get exposed during travel and although it’s not a deal breaker kind of thing, it can add some challenge. So I love hearing that you guys were on the same page and enjoyed everything as it showed up. That makes future traveling that much easier!
Thank you for the update!!! It’s made my day knowing that everything turned out really well for you Emilie. You deserve to feel this!
Heidi
Wow! This is quite the revelation Vino. I’m so glad you connected to this part of yourself again. First, if this woman is writing about this challenge, then there are enough women out there that feel the same way you do, so you are not alone. Second, be kind with yourself. That is the first place to start. There is nothing horrible about how you feel. It’s just sad, because you have unconscious limiting beliefs you carry about feminine energy, nurturing, mothering etc. You are missing out on some of the most powerful aspects women can carry in their energy. You carry these limiting beliefs because someone taught you. It could be a combination of culture, religion and of course role modeling, all during your primary years.
Here is an exercise you can do. Imagine you have your own little girl that represents you. She is the one who is carrying all of hurt, the feelings of anger, the repulsive feelings. So you have a conversation with her. Get out some paper and something to write with (I like to get some bigger pieces of construction paper and BIG crayons as it’s more childlike). Your dominant hand that you write with, will represent you the adult. Your non dominant hand will represent your little girl. You start the conversation by writing a question to her. You can ask something like, “I feel your anger. Tell me about what kinds of thoughts come into your mind when you hear the word mother.” Then you put your pen in the other hand and just let that part of you write. DO NOT let your brain get in the way and “think” about it. It’s really important that you just free write and let everything and anything come out. Then when she is done saying what she wants to say, you switch hands and write back to her VALIDATING how she felt. DO NOT problem solve. DO NOT try to fix anything. Just acknowledge what was written. And ask more questions. Keep having the conversation as long as you are able to stand. The purpose of this, is when you put the pen in your non dominant hand to write, it helps to access that child part of you, because your non dominant hand can’t write fluidly. You end up writing slow and it’s awkward, just like a child. It’s a really interesting exercise, because many times when you do this, more things end up coming out that you may not have known were there.
Here is just a quick example of a conversation you might have. Adult “I feel your anger whenever I think about the word mother. Tell me more about how you feel about that word.” Little girl “I hate that word! Mothers are weak! They feel too much and they don’t always do what they are supposed to do and they let you down. Mothers are not real. They hurt you and you can never trust them.” Adult “Oooooh! I see. It’s really awful when mom let you down. It hurts and it’s really confusing isn’t it? Mom was not always the best mom. Tell me about what you hurt you most when you think about her?” Little girl “She didn’t love me. I just wanted a hug. I just wanted her to tell me that she loved me and that I was beautiful. She never told me things like that.” Adult “You’re right. That is really hurtful. Mom needed to hug you more. Mom needed to cuddle with you and tell you how beautiful you are. I’m so sorry you didn’t get that from her. I love you though. I love you so much and I believe you are so beautiful! You were perfectly made in the Creator’s eyes and there is not a single thing I would change about you. I love your beautiful heart, I love that you are angry and are able to tell me. I always want to hear how you feel. It’s important to me.”
Essentially, what you are doing, is you are giving yourself what you never got. First, you are being a parent to your own little girl. Second, you are allowing your little girl to have a voice and matter and to have a parent, a mother, to listen to her. This can be very healing AND it can extremely uncomfortable as well. Reality is, healing is never comfortable. If you want to really connect to the wounds you carry around what it means to be a mother, then it means looking at and feeling the wounds you carry. This is just one of many techniques you can try. It doesn’t resonate for everyone. I always tell people to give it a try for 3 times. It’s not an instant fix kind of thing, but it is a powerful technique to assist along the journey.
I’m glad you feel good about closing down all your profiles. I know how you feel. There is a point where it can become more draining and that is the time to shut it down. You can just focus on yourself and just keep connecting with JB. That’s a great plan! I’m also glad you were able to be more authentic with the 2nd guy. Good job!
Heidi
Hi JS,
It’s so hard what you are going through. Breakups are EXTREMELY difficult, even if it was toxic. It’s just going to take some time. You absolutely can get over Gary. You have to make that choice and then align your action with that choice. It’s going to take time though, so you need some patience. You need compassion and kindness for yourself. You need people around you to help hold you accountable to your choice, because Gary knows how to get you back and he will try.
Your fear of him finding someone else and treating her the way you wanted to be treated…realistically, that won’t happen. Gary is who he is. Unless he goes to therapy or does some self help work on himself, he will still be a toxic man. It’s not about the woman that makes him behave the way he does, it’s his own woundedness, fragility and low self esteem that causes him to treat you the way he does. He will just carry all of that from woman to woman to woman.
Your goal is strengthen your self esteem and your belief about your value. Your own low self esteem is the reason why you stayed with a guy who is so toxic. When you heal your own wounds, your own lack of love towards yourself, a guy like Gary would never get a chance with you, because you wouldn’t allow someone like that into your life, because you love yourself deeply and care and protect your heart so much that you wouldn’t hand it over to a guy who doesn’t know how to take care of it. Does this make sense?
Right now, you need to face all of your feelings as you let go of Gary. Do you have a therapist or coach you can work with? It’s so helpful to have an expert help you identify and work with the deeper parts of what is happening inside your subconscious, your beliefs and patterns. Now might be a good time to get that kind of help, as it’s really tough what you are going through, however you are still quite vulnerable to keep going back to Gary.
Go back and watch that video I sent you about breakups. Remember there are withdrawal symptoms from breaking up. It’s so important to prepare yourself and make a plan to help yourself through those super crazy and challenging moments where you want to re-connect, think about Gary and a possible future again. What can you do to take care of yourself through this? What’s your plan? You CAN heal and completely release Gary! You just have to fight for that.
Heidi
Hi NM,
First of all, be VERY kind with yourself. Your shame and your embarrassment is full of judgement towards yourself. You believed him and his actions. Who wouldn’t??? Narcissists are EXTREMELY skilled at getting people to believe them. They are charming and are able to win a room over in seconds! I remember being at a workshop and watching the speaker (who is world famous) put on his “show.” I had a feeling he was a narcissist from several things I watched, but watching him on stage confirmed everything. It was quite the performance he put on and a complete turnoff…for me. Then…I was shocked to hear many of the other speakers who went on stage, say things like “Wasn’t he amazing??” There were so many other speakers’ talks to comment on, but everyone kept commenting on this one guy’s talk. And these are people that are supposed to be highly awakened, aware and intelligent people. Not that they aren’t still, but that’s my point. They were captivated by his performance and didn’t connect to anything deeper than his performance. Narcissists are very powerful and influential people. My point is, be kind to yourself. It happens to the best of them!!! I have a deep understanding of narcissists and can usually spot them pretty quickly and even still, I am able to feel myself getting pulled in sometimes. It’s all okay! What is MOST important is to stay connected to yourself no matter what. You are rejecting yourself each time you feel shame about your choice. You and every single person on the face of this earth, is foolable. There is no way around it. So once you realize you have been fooled, you nurture yourself back to health, NOT beat yourself up for being fooled!
Lastly, reality is, it takes time to truly get to know someone. Instead of putting trust in anybody else, put trust in yourself that you will figure it out. Even if you get hurt or fooled again, you will heal. You are resilient, you are strong and you are someone who learns. With those qualities, you can get through anything! Of course you don’t want to hurt again, but that’s just not realistic. It’s a reality of dating. That’s why it’s important to trust that you can handle whatever shows up.
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
I’m sorry to hear this. Of course you were hurt that he did that! You are supposed to hurt! And you saying something simple like that, is important. You DO get to use your voice. If you just stay silent and never let him know how his choices are hurting you, then you never get to be reminded of how he responds to you. You are seeing that his response to hurting you is to ignore you. That is something you really need to see and understand about this whole situation. Your feelings don’t matter to him. All that matters to him is himself. All that matters is that he gets to do and be whatever he wants and he has both of you to take care of those needs, both sexually and emotionally.
I’m glad you are able to see that your relationship is unhealthy in this design and you are right…it does need to be worked on. Reality is though, he is not interested in doing that so the “we” part doesn’t exist. I want to encourage you to really embrace what you are choosing. You are fighting for guy who doesn’t want to fight for you. You are in a polyamorous type of relationship. He is a guy who doesn’t care nor is interested in how you feel and how much he is hurting you. It doesn’t matter who he used to be or how things were so great back then. That is the past and doesn’t exist anymore. Right now is what you need to embrace. What if you just went with the flow and didn’t need anything from him anymore? You have a roof over your head and food in your belly. What if that was enough? What if you kept living your life on your own, meeting friends, maybe even going on dates and go with the flow.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
Long distance is really hard! It takes an even greater effort to keep something like that going. Remember, nurturing and caring for the relationship is something that comes very natural to women…it’s instinctive and generally speaking, the complete opposite experience for men. What is instinctive for men, is to provide for the family and work hard. So as much as he promised to put more effort in, it’s just going to be really hard for him. I’m sure he meant it in the moment, but truth is Hannah, he is still the same guy and it sounds like that pattern hasn’t really shifted. Are you able to accept him for who he is? He sounds like the kind of guy that is just very introverted and doesn’t share his internal thoughts and feelings about much. Is that accurate? I imagine that’s why you always are asking if he is okay. And truth is, you might be a lower priority for right now.
So what exactly do you want from him. Let’s get really clear about that. Give me some examples and how you want the relationship to look and feel like.
In the meantime, if you want to keep this going, it’s important to focus on what you DO have and not what you don’t have. Find your gratitude and appreciation for the efforts he does put in. Find the value in the ways that he does need you.
Heidi
If he messages you first, wait awhile to respond. Maybe 4mor 5 hours or even the next day. And when you do respond, be connective, but also keep it really simple. If you respond right away, all the time, he doesn’t really get to chase you. He knows that you are easily accessible and can connect whenever HE wants. So by making him wait, you are basically telling him in an indirect way, “I will respond to you and connect with you when I have some time.” Making him wait for your responses sometimes, is a good thing. You can mix it up. Make him wait for a few different texts and then on another text, respond right away, but then immediately make him wait again. This is part of how it may activate his need to chase you a bit more.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
You could send him a message saying that, but I want to encourage you to just wait a few weeks. That, in an of itself, will communicate to him you are not looking for more. When you reach out all the time and initiate connection, those are actions of a woman who is wanting a relationship. That is how he will interpret that. A girl that is a friend, will not reach out as often. She will just reach out whenever she does. So if you change your pattern and give him space, it will send a very different message to him. Give it a few weeks and then maybe you can send him a parenting book, a good parenting video or an article or something to help him with his daughter and just leave it at that. The goal is to get him to ask you for lunch, so let’s see if that can happen with you no longer contacting him and then in a few weeks you can send something like that so he knows you aren’t “mad” at him or anything and then let’s go from there and see what he does.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Let’s start with the “other” guys. It may be more gentle to tell them you are not over JB. But don’t you want to practice being authentic under all conditions? This is more about you than it is about them. Believe me, those kind of guys have been rejected a ton of times. I know exactly the type you are talking about and it’s a complete turnoff to me as well. If you think about it, they aren’t being real or authentic and it’s just a performance for them to get something they want…which is your attention and eventually get you into bed most likely. The energy of all of it feels awful! So give them the experience of an honest woman. I think it’s important to be okay hurting people’s feelings when it comes to setting a healthy boundary for yourself. Yes, you may hurt their feelings, but more importantly, you are protecting yourself and having the strength to be honest about why and how is more important for YOU than it is for them. I know you already told 1 guy, so why not practice being honest with the other guy and find out you will okay and he will be okay. If he is THAT fragile that he cannot handle someone saying “no” to him, then he shouldn’t be online in the first place.
As far as JB, I can see why you would feel safe with him. Talking about the topics and on a deeper level, is something that feels wonderful. And being able to disagree and challenge each other about religion is a really challenging thing for most people, but it seems you guys have survived it. That feels good as well! I’m glad you were able to find a Facebook page of him. That is always helpful. Have you ever looked him up at the NYPD? I’m sure there is a website with pics of different positions. It’s so hard what he is going through with his mom. It’s awful and so stressful. I know how hard it is for you to wait, but you are doing a good thing giving him the space to just worry about his mom. It’s an all consuming time for him right now and if he ends up losing her, he will be consumed by her death for awhile. You might end up waiting for awhile, but that’s okay. There are so many things you can focus on for yourself! Maybe pick 1 area of your life you really want to improve upon. Study it, read about it, learn new techniques and really focus on that area with the purpose of wanting to be a better partner for the next man you end up with. Start to get more connected with your feminine body maybe through belly dancing, ballet, salsa etc. That can be another fun and interesting process. What about volunteering at a dog shelter? Getting around animals that recognize you and get excited to be with you can be SUPER helpful for meeting that need for connection and love. Why not get paid to walk some dogs in the neighborhood? Just some thoughts. You will still have wait and be patient and it will still be hard sometimes, but doing these kinds of things will help take the edge off.
Heidi
