Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi JS,
Getting over love is so hard. It’s only been a month though. It’s going to take some time to get your bearings again and start to feel better about yourself. Every time you think about him, keep saying “It’s over AND I am going to heal.” The reason it hurts so bad is you are telling yourself a certain story about the ending. I also imagine you are not telling yourself the story about how wonderful your life is after you have healed. Most people stop the story after the loss. Then they cry more and keep the story in their mind about loss and keep crying and hurting. So they say things like “I miss him so much. I can’t stand it” or “I can’t believe this is over” or “I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I want him back.” All those stories you are saying to yourself is just the first part. Start adding in the second part. “I miss him so much. I can’t stand it AND I will be okay.” I can’t believe this is over AND I am going to heal and fall in love again.” I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I want him back AND I am a resilient woman and will be okay without him in my life.” This is one of many techniques you need to start doing to get yourself grounded back into the truth of who you are. Gary does not define your value…you do! You need to fight to stay connected to the truth and goodness that you are, even when you are in a lot of pain.
Make sure you keep the pain moving. Meaning, put a song on and dance your sadness or anger or hurt or depression. Write it out in a journal. Talk into a recorder and say everything you want to say him. Come here and vent and let everything out. If you just stay stuck in the sadness and don’t give it an outlet, you won’t ever fully recover and it will take forever to move past Gary. So what ACTIONS are you willing to take, in order to help yourself heal. It’s over with Gary. Now it’s time to put attention back onto yourself and let him go.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
This is a good question and the answer could be a variety of things. There is still a lot to learn about each other. Was he like this before he lost his job?
Is he an introvert? He might just be going into his “cave” to think and process whatever is bothering him. He might be disconnecting, because too much energy is going out compared to what is going in and he needs to just be quiet. He still may not be sure about what he wants. Until he finds a new job and gets settled, EVERYTHING is going to feel funky for him. Everything is going to feel unsure.
What I suggest is to just let him be there. Let him be quiet when he needs and then be there when he is ready to be affectionate. You can always ask him when he is being quiet “You seem like you are in another world right now. How is it over there?” Typically, when a guy goes into a cave, the last thing he wants is to talk about it. He will talk when he comes out. But saying something light and fun like that just bring his attention back into the present moment. You can always ask him about his “quiet time” when things are good. You can say something like, “Hey…I’m just noticing how sometimes you are super affectionate and other times you go radio silent and seem like you want to be alone. I would love to learn about you and understand what that is.”
Or you can just keep supporting him through whatever mood he is in and just let him be there. No matter the reason, if he feels you just accept him for exactly who he is, it will help create a feeling of safety in him that he can just be himself with you.
Again, I think that until he finds a job, everything is going to be a bit “off.” How is he doing with that part of his life? Any luck with getting interviews or finding something he can get excited about?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Wow! You really are handling everything really well. I love the idea of the space invaders game! haha! And then you taught that to the college kid. Well done! You are turning challenge into triumph! I love the feedback that you got as well from the younger ones. It’s always pretty wonderful to get feedback as to the impressions you are having on people. It’s great feedback and everyone seems to agree. Any ideas as to where you are going to look next for a job? I agree…something where you get to lead sounds like it would fill your heart. I get the massage thing. I used to do that for work as well, but I did it on my own time. I obviously got to keep all the money, so that was helpful, but it definitely is the kind of job where a lot of energy goes out.
Any word from JB? Is he still staying connected? Is there an official date you guys are going to meet up? I don’t know if you watch tv, but you should watch “love is blind” on netflix. It’s a new reality tv show where people are getting engaged before they meet. It’s just fascinating!
And lastly, just a thought…your dad was not a victim by giving his pants away to a man who was taking advantage of him. Many times, I know someone is trying to manipulate me for some reason or another. Sometimes I give them exactly what they want, because I am inspired anyways. Your dad may have known the kind of guy he was giving his pants to and just did it anyway, because he would rather be kind than judgemental. And if he didn’t know he was being manipulated, then oh well! Your dad still got to feel himself getting to help another human being…plain and simple. People who are generous to a fault are not victims to others. They are still adults and are choosing to either stay asleep to their ineffective patterns and therefore will keep attracting people who will take from them or at some point they will wake up to those patterns and have a choice to work on them. No matter what though, we all have patterns that cause harm to others. Those people who are wanting to take from others, have a strong scarcity belief at the core of who they are. We need people like that around! They help keep the balance. They help people wake up to their own thoughts and feelings. They help people become better human beings by being a mirror to them. Just another way to look at it 🙂
Heidi
Oh wow! That is heartbreaking to hear! How awful!
Help him through this by first trusting him that he is strong enough to handle what is happening. Imagine him being on the other side of this, seeing he is happy and healed and moving forward with his life. He needs to know that you trust and believe in him.
Here are the basic steps to helping someone through a challenge.
1. Listen first. Create a space for him to share anything he needs to
2. Validate. After he shares his story, immediately validate by saying things like “Oh wow. Betrayal is so extremely hard. I know how strong your family values are and you are watching them get shattered all over the place.”
3. Be curious. After validating with 1 or 2 sentences, start to ask questions and get him to keep talking more. This part is so important. It will help him feel like you really want to know him and support him and you are there WITH him and comfortable with his emotions. So ask questions like, “how are your kids handling this?” “what are you most afraid of?”
4. Then you can start to head into problem solving, if that is even necessary. Sometimes the above 3 steps are all someone needs from their friend. They just need to vent, share the story, be listened to and validated and they feel better. This is where you offer ideas about what to “do” or you can also just remind him of his strength. You can say something like, “I know how horrible this feels right now. I also know you are resilient. I know you are strong enough to work through this and get to the other side of this….”Does this help?
Heidi
Hi NM,
You feel fooled. It’s awful isn’t it? Being fooled is one of the fastest ways to make you doubt yourself. It’s awful. It’s also a very easy reason to stay angry at someone.
I want to encourage you to forgive him and forgive yourself for being fooled. The negative energy you carry about him, only hurts you. If you give him that power of taking your self-trust away for the next guy that comes along, then you are missing out on your own ability to be resilient and heal.
The truth is, we ALL are foolable. That is just a universal truth. I have been fooled and I know an incredible amount about human behavior. We get “fooled” not because of what the other person does or how they treat us, we get fooled because there is something in us that wants so badly to believe in the connection and good in someone. So the need for connection and for things to work out, ends up becoming so strong, that we don’t see so clearly. That’s why the saying “love is blind” is so true. For that very reason, I have an entire system set up to help me, when I start to fall for someone. I have specific questions, certain people for him to meet, he will meet my dog (who is very sensitive to a person’s vibe) and certain experiences to have with him. This approach still doesn’t make me “fool” proof, as that is impossible. But it does get me as close as possible and connecting to the truth about who they are.
Each time we get fooled, we learn…that’s all. If anything, this experience is giving you a gift. It’s helping you understand more about yourself and it’s giving you an opportunity to forgive his limitations and for being unkind. Is this a route you are willing to take?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
I want to again guide you into just relaxing and not trying to “do” anything specific, other than letting him take the lead right now. You barely know him and you have no idea about the specifics as to why he has pulled away. Still give it some time and see what happens before you try anything with him.
What about you though? Are you keeping the door open to meeting other guys? Are you going on any dates?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I’m so glad to hear this!!! This is great!
I want you to really hear him. You said this “He said he meant all of it and wants me in his life but is still worried he has nothing to offer” This is his greatest fear and quite normal, as I said in my previous post. First, you need to make sure you don’t lay it on too thick with him with the whole hero instinct thing. He will feel like you are trying too hard and it will start to feel fake on some level.
So to start, instead of focusing so much on helping him feel better about himself in that way, I want to guide you into focusing more on supporting him. So when he says he doesn’t feel like he has much to offer, instead of countering by saying “it isn’t all about the money” you want to validate him. You could say something like, “I get it. I know how important having a solid job and income is. It makes you feel more competent in life, doesn’t it? Have you ever not had a job before?” Moments when he shares a bit of his vulnerability, are GOLDEN moments to just validate and ask more questions. It gives him a safe space to open up and you get to support and learn about him. Spend some time doing that for a bit in the conversation, before you head into trying to problem solve.
Another approach is reminding him of his best self. For example, you can say “I know it sucks not having a job right now. It’s hard and I imagine very frustrating for you. But you know what? I trust you will find something new. You are good at what you do, you are driven and you are an incredible employee. You are going to figure this out.”
What do you think? Does something like this work for you?
Heidi
Oh my goodness! I had so much fun reading everything. You have some amazing things to share Vino! This is quite the time for you and your growth, isn’t it?
It’s hard what you are facing in losing your work family and home. You have invested a lot of energy there and now it’s coming to a close. I’ve had to do the same thing so many times in my life and every single time, I cry….a lot. And then, I get into my new environment and start creating new experiences. I have no doubt you will do the same.
So you used to be a massage therapist? What is stopping you from going back into that profession somewhere?
People who ask for money are interesting, aren’t they? I struggle with my judgments sometimes too. It’s true that some are lazy, some don’t want help and some do and some are sick on some level. What they do reflect in us, is our own need for help. I am a very strong, independent soul and have taken care of myself for a long time. Asking for help made me feel weak and incapable, so I never did. I always figured everything out on my own. Of course, I would make a mess of things sometimes and needed to be rescued, but as I dealt with this idea of asking for help, I changed my definition from being “weak” to being strong. There are 2 things that happen when we ask for help. First, it gives the other person a moment of getting to feel good about themselves. It feels so good to help someone who asks for it. So by reaching out, you are giving someone else that gift to feel needed and like a hero. Second, you get to feel supported in your life. You get to feel like you are not alone and that you don’t have to do everything all on your own. It’s a good feeling to know that when and if you need help, you can find it. It’s part of feeling like you belong and part of feeling safe in your life. That’s important. So…when someone asks for money, instead of judging their situation, I send them a lot of light and trust their process. They have the right to choose a certain kind of path, to learn what they need to learn…or not. But regardless, they get to do it their way and I need to honor that and support that in a way that feels good for me…which is sending them some seriously good vibes. I sometimes imagine GIANT angel wings wrapped around them. 🙂
I’m happy to hear that JB is feeling a little better now. I really am so excited for you guys to meet. I hope it’s as wonderful an experience as it’s been online with him! No matter what though…you better share all the details!!!
And I love the leader energy you are bringing forward, where you are solving problems in a very different way now. Well done! Those would be moments you want to share in an interview!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for sharing all those details. Writing all your feelings and thoughts here, is a wonderful way to help with the healing process. Holding all your feelings in, just keeps everything stuck. So keep coming and here and venting and saying whatever you need to. It’s important!
I’m thinking that the hero instinct text message didn’t work with him, because you are trying so desperately to connect with him. When a man like a woman is being needy and desperate, he will believe that everything she is texting is a way to manipulate him to connect. My guess is, with all your efforts, he truly needs some space.
Right now, all you need to think about and be focused on, is how to get yourself back into your center and feeling grounded again. When you do this, he will be sooooo much more receptive to connecting to you, because he won’t feel your desperate energy to get him back. When he knows and feels that you are okay with him, it gives a space for him to open back up again. I know this is so much easier said than done though. I know it hurts really bad right now. It’s tapping into all sorts of negative thoughts and low self-esteem, which is why it is so important right now to care for your broken heart. The more you rely on him to make you feel better, the more you lose yourself and he will go the other way. Feel the pain and hurt, keep crying, journaling, find a therapist to talk to, writing here, talking to friends, finding ways to have some extra fun in your life, watch inspiring movies and pour a TON of good stuff into your heart right now. The more you do this, the better partner you will be for him.
There is nothing stupid about how you feel. Have compassion…you are dealing with the loss of love, which is so very difficult. I attached a video that may help.
Heidi
Here is a link to what pound cake is. I bet you know what it is, but probably call it something different.
I love that you sing in the car! Can you sing??? I can’t. I wish I could carry a tune…lol. Listening to a podcast or audio book is not as distracting as you would think. Of course, it does depend on the kind of person you are.
I’ve had 2 different boyfriends that I had a certain feeling with. I remember feeling like we could be stuck in the middle of the desert and I would have fun with them. There was just something about them and our connection together, that we could be doing nothing and I still was having fun with them. It was spectacular! We would always find some way to play games, role play, have the most interesting conversations or make each other laugh. It was quite spectacular! It feels good doesn’t it? You get to have your guy, who doesn’t think twice about the possible traffic to come see you! You get to have your guy who just wants to hang and experience life with you, because it’s way more fun that way. It feels so good to be connected that way.
Have fun!!!!
Heidi
Hi Vicky,
Welcome! I love this question!!! It’s quite unusual and so interesting! I can identify completely. I have a VERY strong male energy, sometimes stronger than my female energy. I grew up around boys. My neighbors were boys and I had 2 brothers, so I had to be “one of the guys” if I was ever going to get to play…lol. Then I became an athlete, which just added to my male energy. I always had way more guys friends than girl friends. I fit in really well with them, but at the same time I wore dresses, makeup, did my hair, was very flirty.
Sometimes though, I felt like the male energy was so much more of who I was. I would ask people if they thought I was lesbian, because it felt like I had so much male energy running through my system. I researched this quite a bit, because like you, I felt out of balance. We ALL have divine male and divine female energies. We access either energy system all the time, depending on the situation. When I step onto the soccer field, my divine male is strong and leading me. When I am on the field, communicating and directing my teammates, I am using my divine feminine. When I am on a date, my divine feminine is in the lead, but my divine male is also present as I am gathering information, setting boundaries etc. With a person who is comfortable with both energies, they have moments where they will be all feminine or all male but most of the time, throughout the day, they are using both naturally.
In a relationship, we all need appreciation and we need to feel valued and we need to feel needed. Yes, there are differences between men and women, but because we all carry both energies, we still need the same things. Yes, men need to feel like a hero, but so do women. We just might need it differently than men or maybe not as much as men do, but we do still need it.
Here is a fundamental difference between men and women, in which effects how we function in relationship. A man’s core self esteem is built around his ability to produce in the world. He has to be able to “do” something and make something, in order to feel valuable in this world. It’s a pretty common thing for a guy to fall apart if he doesn’t have his job or purpose in order. For a woman, our core self esteem is based on the quality of our relationships. If you take away connection and relationship from us, we will fall apart. That’s why women are much more comfortable and better at staying home, caring for the children and the men bring home the money. It serves our very natural instincts. If a guy stays at home, eventually he will have a need to accomplish things. Taking care of the kids will not be enough for him. So he will start to find “projects” around the house to do or something to get involved with on the computer or at the kids school. If a woman is the one who works, she will also very naturally come home and care for the kids, because it’s in her nature to “connect.” Now…this is speaking generally to the different natures, but does not mean that men don’t care for relationships and women don’t need to produce. Of course we have varying degrees of all of it.
You have a strong warrior inside of you, but that warrior energy still has a lot of female energy wanting to help people. I call that energy warrior maiden, so it’s both male and female. She needs to be nurtured and paid attention to! AND…so do other parts of you as well.
So…do you ever feel just your divine feminine and let your male energy rest? If yes, are you comfortable in that space of just being feminine? How often do you live in that energy compared to your male energy?
Hopefully I gave you some good food for thought…I understand that knowing something is very different than putting it into action. What I like to do is watch movies sometimes to give me ideas and perspectives. Wonder Woman is quite the portrayal of a warrior maiden. She is VERY feminine but also very male. There are a TON of female characters that are the heroes of the story. Watch how you are able to feel both their male and female energies at work, but their feminine energy is dominant because they are a female. Hopefully I’m making sense here. lol.
Looking forward to your thoughts and continuing this conversation!!
Heidi
Maria!!
This is spectacular!!! Well done! You ARE enough! You are worth knowing and you are worth fighting for. A guy NEEDS to know this about you and feel that in himself if things are going to go anywhere. You want a guy who has NOTHING standing in his way between you and him. You want a guy who is inspired by you. And if that is not happening, it’s not because of you…it’s just because. We hardly ever know the full reasons of why something doesn’t catch momentum. It’s a waste of time trying to figure it out, so the best thing to do is EXACTLY what you are doing. Know your value and stay connected to that, even if he doesn’t choose you. That’s high self esteem right there and it’s beautiful!!!
We are here to remind you of that, so if you start to waiver or question yourself, let us know and we would be happy to give you a dose of the truth!
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
It sounds like things are going great and you are building a nice friendship. It sounds like it’s just casual, which is what you both agreed to, yes? The thing about men and women, is they tend to go at different speeds and approach dating very differently. Being that he is asking about tinder, you told him you are not sure you are staying and you guys agreed to take things slow, I imagine in his mind, he is not sure what to do about you, so he is just being casual. It sounds like he initiates contact quite a bit and loves talking with you though, but it’s not crossing over to setting up a date. Since you guys are so friendly on a daily basis, why not find a fun event to go to and send him the link and say “hey, check this out! Looks like fun…wanna go?” If that doesn’t feel comfortable for you, then I would suggest to continue to wait until he asks you out again. I wouldn’t directly confront him by letting him know he is sending mixed signals…at least not quite yet. You can always throw obvious hints out there…like when he flirts with you, you can say things like, “You know I can show you more that if you want to meet up later…wink, wink” or something to that effect.
I suggest to give it a little more time and experiment with flirting or just ask him out yourself. Under more normal “dating” circumstances I wouldn’t suggest this, but you guys have the kind of daily interactions where it wouldn’t be an unusual thing for you to ask him out, if you feel comfortable with that. It’s just helping to get things kick started and gather more info about him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Good job! You are getting the hang of it. Remember, he just putting his feelers out there and not interested in having anything serious at the moment. When you allow him that space, with no pressure, no anxiety about where things are going and just let him go his speed, your odds of success with him will go up. In the beginning, let him lead and let him tell you, through his actions, how much he is ready for.
It sounds like you understand the concept and your next steps. How are you feeling about it though? Are you struggling giving him space? Or does it feel okay for you and you are happy to slow things down with him?
Heidi
Let’s talk a bit about your femininity. I totally get what you mean by wanting it to be an authentic thing and not because of watching someone else. I understand your concern. How about looking at it a little differently. Your femininity is always going to be changing and growing. So why not try anything and everything you are inspired by? You never know what you will like or not like, until you FEEL it. Sometimes, you may try something you saw another woman do and discover you like a certain aspect of it, so you hold onto that part. I mean, if you think about it, we ALL are always borrowing ideas from each other. Everything I have learned in my life and now teaching you, has come from someone else who taught me. I am now teaching you those same concepts, because I have experienced things and held onto what worked, released what didn’t and then made it my own by teaching you in MY way, not the way my teachers taught me. All information we pass on, from generation to generation, is inspired by what we see and learn from others. So try it all on! Experiment and maybe consider NOT filtering anything out, just because you are not sure if it’s authentic for you. Again, you never really know how anything will truly feel, until you experience it. Just a thought. Connecting to your femininity is not the same as getting married and having kids. Your femininity is changeable and will always be evolving, so your choice about how to connect to it, is not a permanent thing, like having kids or getting married. Throw caution to the air with this one. It’s safe to do that as it’s the relationship with yourself. Just a thought.
Glad you like the SUD scale! I’m curious why you don’t like people who ask for money. What’s the trigger there for you?
This country is quite amazing to drive through. There is so much to see, so many different kinds of people and energies in every single state. I drove from San Diego to Miami once. Wow! It was quite the trip and worth it! There is so much to explore here in the U.S. You have driven through the states before?? Maybe you should find a job where you can do something online. That way you can work where you go.
Heidi
