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Hi Kajsa,
We are glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your challenge with us.
First, let’s talk a little more about the dynamics of your relationship. You have been together for a while now. Is this pattern normal? Has he been like this since the beginning, or just more recently? You also said that he sometimes stays later at work to get some alone time. Do you think that he may feel smothered on some level?
Have you ever just come straight out and asked him to be honest with you about the pattern you are noticing?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions with us. It would be helpful if you could share a bit more information.
From what it sounds like, the relationship was quite stressful. For a man, when his woman is not “happy” it can make him feel heavy and like a failure…constantly. It sounds like now that all the arguing has stopped, he is more connected to his relief than his connection for you. But it sounds like it’s the opposite experience for you.
Have you guys ever broken up before? Who initiated it? When you guys argued, was it basically about the same thing, or was it all over the place?
For now, professing your love to him is very nice, but it doesn’t change that his experience of having a relationship with you is stressful for him. So your love for him is not the core issue here. If you want him back, you need to go after the core issue. Do know what that is? Do you understand how he is feeling and why? How did you feel about the relationship? Was it stressful for you as well?
Heidi
Hello!
If you are interested in private coaching, you would work with a coach over the phone. There is not an option for private coaching through the forum.
Maybe there is something that can be arranged though. I can talk to someone and see if there is something we can provide for you, so we can meet your needs.
What exactly would like?
Heidi
Hi Sally!
Welcome! We would love to help you. Are you wanting to sign up for some private coaching on this issue, or would you like to work through some ideas here on the forum? If you want private coaching, I can connect you to the right people, just let me know.
If you want to talk here, it would be helpful to get a little backstory of your situation. I’m understanding that when you communicate your needs, he feels you are controlling and he ghosts…or disappears. Can you share more details?
How long have you guys been together? Has he always been like this? Do you see his view point at all…do you feel like you might have a need to control? When he disappears, how long does it take to come back together? How do you guys end up eventually resolving the situation?
Thanks Sally.
Heidi
Hi Julia,
I am soooo sorry to hear about how you had to grow up. There is no doubt you carry a lot of wounds and trauma from your experiences. I will address your question in a bit. I first want to address what you said.
“my mother died when i was 13 and my dad left me with my grandparents, in a man i search for that hug i needed when i was growing up, and this i can not offer to myself, i want to think about myself that i am not stupid, or i am disrespect-full to my own person, i am just a woman who s inner child needs a lot of attention.”
First, your trauma and hurt can be healed without a man. In fact, when you end up relying on a man to give you what you need, that hug, that attention, that love you crave, you will always be left disappointed. The reason is because you are wanting the guy to provide for you, what you are not providing for yourself. You are expecting the guy to make you feel whole and complete and happy. The truth is, a guy will ALWAYS disappoint you. He will ALWAYS hurt you….simply because he is human. Then what? Who is going to take care of you when he is the one hurting you? I want you to know that I deeply understand your pain and hurt. I too grew up with an incredibly painful childhood. I too wanted a guy to give me what I never felt from my father. The thing is, I learned that relying on others for my own happiness meant I was going to live a rollercoaster of a life. I would be happy when he made me happy. I would be sad and hurt and doubt myself when he was making mistakes. I was giving ALL of my power to the guy. I was letting him determine whether or not I was valuable. It’s rough to live that way! That darkness that you are trying to avoid, will always be there, no matter how many guys you date or fall in love with. I ended up facing my darkness, with some help from my therapist and you know what? I’m okay! Now…I do not need a man. I love having a man in my life, but I do not need him to make me feel better. I can do that all on my own. And because I can do that all on my own, I have self respect. The men that come into my life treat me extremely well, because I will accept nothing less than that. My point is Julia, there is another way. You do not have to continue to suffer from your past. YOU CAN HEAL and free yourself from the pain and hurt of it all. Is this a path you would be willing to consider?
In regards to your situation…the issue here is not that he doesn’t see how you view him. He knows that very clearly actually. He knows you see him as a man that is worth fighting for. He knows that you see him as someone who is very valuable to you. That is VERY CLEAR considering he has a girlfriend and you, giving him everything he wants. Like I said before, he doesn’t respect you. That’s the problem. He may care about you, he may really enjoy connecting with you, he obviously enjoys having sex with you and even taking care of you when you need it. Those are wonderful qualities for sure! AND…he is not respecting you as he knows it hurts you when he goes off with his girlfriend, but that doesn’t matter. He is going to do what he wants and he knows he can…because you always take him back and give him what he wants. This is not a situation where saying something specific will make him commit to you. This is a situation where he is a guy who gets to have whatever he wants with you and his girlfriend. So like I said before, this is about YOU setting boundaries for what you want and sticking to it. If you want a commitment from him, then don’t settle for less. If he doesn’t want to commit, then no sex. If you do this, I think you will find how he really feels about you and that is important for you to see. He most likely is not willing to give up his girlfriend for you. You say “i will not leave him just because he continues to make a mistake” but the thing is…he isn’t making any mistakes. He is making the same CHOICE over and over again. He is not viewing his choices as a mistake. He is not sorry. He is not making any changes. He just keeps repeating the same behavior over and over again, because he can.
So when he has a girlfriend AND you…I’m not sure what you expect from him. Are you wanting him to give up his girlfriend and then commit to you? Then what? You think he will stay loyal? You think he will not find a way to keep his “ex” a secret from you? You think he will just be able to fall madly in love with you and not need time to even recover from the loss of his ex?
Help me understand EXACTLY what you want to happen.
Heidi
ooooh noooo!!!! hahaha! That really sucks Emilie. Dam chocolate! lol. At least it’s fixable and they don’t have to pull it out.
You should mail him a little care package…like a study care package. Leave a simple note and fill the box with good study munchies…like pretzels, maybe some of your cookies, water or maybe even look up foods that increase brain power. Maybe you could even add an essential oil that he can just dab under his nose to help with focus. Anyway, since you won’t see him for a few weeks, it would be a sweet gesture. Just a thought.
Have you ever used Marco Polo? It’s an app that allows for video messaging. It’s different than recording a video and then sending it over text or we chat. I love this app, because it’s how I stay connected to my friends overseas. It’s sooooo easy. They record a video in the app, then I watch it and send one back when I can. There are all kinds of fun things you can with the videos too. Maybe try something like with him too…could be fun!
Or, of course, you could do none of these….lol
Heidi
Hi Vino!
You bring up some interesting points and I’m glad you are sharing these. I, of course, would like to offer you another perspective. I first want to validate you though. Self-respect and self-love are so important. However you treat yourself, is how you will require others to treat you that are close to you. I seriously love that you get excited about this stuff. Maybe consider instead of earning your own respect, you let yourself just have it. I’m wondering….why are you making yourself have to work for self-respect, yet you have never met JB and he has already earned your respect and trust. Why are you offering it so freely to him, yet you not to yourself? My other question is, what do you think you need to “do” to earn your own respect? I respect you tremendously, because you are someone that wants the truth and is willing to work with it. You are a fighter, you are a lover, you care deeply and want to be a better person. Yes, you have moments of being messy and limited, because you are human AND you stand back up, brush off your knees and keep moving forward. So….wouldn’t you say you deserve to respect yourself? What more do you want from yourself?
I’d like to talk about the trailer I sent you. Here was your response:
“OMG! That trailer – scarier than the most terrifying horror movies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could never do that! only hearing someone’s voice?”
Wouldn’t you say you are doing exactly this? You are offering JB your loyalty, part of your heart, your respect…you are building a pretty strong connection with him, without even hearing his voice. It’s no different than what these people on the show are doing. They are having conversations and building deeper connections with each other through those conversations. Wouldn’t you say that is what you have done with JB? No, you are not getting engaged or anything, but you are opening your heart and committing to someone you have never met. So maybe instead of judging those people on the show, you can instead see how similar you are to them….you just want to connect and have a deep experience and you are willing to risk quite a bit, without ever having met your person. Just something to think about.
Let’s talk about these statements you made:
“I would loss my own self-respect!!! This is a lose I wouldn’t be able to recover from.”
“because I would never recover from a half-assed loyalty, either in his eyes, or even my own”I’m curious why you believe this about yourself Vino. You have been through an incredible amount of challenge in your life. If anything, I would think you have enough trust in yourself to know that you always have figured out how to land back on your feet. You CAN recover from anything. It’s a choice. You are not a victim of life. You are a student of life. Self-respect or half-assed anything is nothing permanent and always changing. You will have moments you mess up big time. Does that mean you can’t recover from that? Are you telling me you would choose not to forgive yourself and figure out how to be better?
As far as JB goes, I’d like to encourage an approach where it’s not an all or nothing kind of thing. You going “all in” with your trust and commitment to him, is moving extremely fast and not honoring nor protecting your heart very well. Trust and respect need to be earned through time and experience with each other, none of which you have with him. When you say, “Being loyal to JB, whether he deserves it or not, is one of those things” you essentially are saying “I’m gonna just give him my loyalty and not care about how it affects me or what it costs me.” If your heart was a precious, rare diamond that is so valuable, it is kept under protection 24/7…would you, as the owner, just hand it over to someone you have never met? When you care about your heart THAT MUCH, you protect it. Using caution as you are getting to know someone is a wise thing. So I am encouraging you to pull back and use some caution. Of course, still move forward and work on trying to meet him, but work on keeping perspective. Your heart IS VALUABLE and deserves to be cared for and protected and respected by you. I know you believe you are respecting yourself by being loyal to JB. But are you really being respectful to yourself by offering your loyalty to a man you have never met, a man who does not have the same commitment towards you and a man who has been dodging meeting you for a very long time? I would venture to say that JB is talking to other women, maybe even going on dates. I would venture to say that yes, he does enjoy his connection with you, but is not committed to you on any level. So is it a respectful thing to yourself to offer someone something they are not offering to you in return?
So, let’s say there is a middle ground here in your approach to JB….a more balanced approach that is respectful to you as well as him. What do you think that could look like?
I’m looking forward to all your thoughts on this. I know you will have a lot of them!
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
I would suggest not to ask him out for a while. Give it a few weeks to a month. He is REALLY hurt and angry, as he should be. He is going to want to stay away from women for a bit, until he can find his ground again. Your job, as his friend, is just to continue to be there and let him vent. Keep validating. Keep supporting and don’t try to help him fix how he feels. He will do that on his own. I like Kanya’s guidelines of just contacting him once per week, at most. This will let him know you are still there for him, as well as give him enough space to do his thing. You can maybe do something like contact him every Monday. You can send him a message saying something like, “I know that what you are going through is shattering. I also know it helps to have friends as you find your ground again. So I’m gonna text you every Monday. I’m gonna find something to send you that will put a smile on your face or something encouraging. You don’t need to respond though.” And then maybe you send him funny videos of animals, embarrassing moments, a clip of a comedy show etc. If you don’t want to say all that, just send that kind of stuff once per week anyways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Julia,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here and asking for some ideas.
You have a lot of very unhealthy dynamics in your situation, Julia. There is one basic principle that is missing in your relationship and that is respect. You want something from him, but are not really willing to fight for it. You want his respect. You want him to value you. You want him to choose you. You want him to let go of his ex and stop cheating. I’m wondering if she even knows about you. The thing is, if you want him to treat you that way, you have to treat yourself that way first and foremost. You cannot expect someone to treat you in ways that you are not treating yourself. So he is going to treat you in the way that you teach him is okay. You are communicating through your actions, that you do not have boundaries or standards as to how he can treat you. You are teaching him that it’s okay for him to go connect with the other girl and have sex with you. You are teaching him that all he has to do is show you kindness and have a talk with you and then everything is okay. He can have sex with you and then leave and meet the other girl. He has done this plenty of times with you, to know the exact way to re-connect with you again. If you want him to treat you differently and take you seriously, then it’s time for you to set some boundaries, get VERY clear about what you want and settle for nothing less. If you want a relationship with him, then no more on and off again kind of thing and no more sex. He obviously is not over this other girl, so reality is Julia…it’s going to take some time for him to really release her and be ready for something new. He is not ready for a relationship with you, but he is happy to keep things casusal with you. So if that’s what you want, then go for it. Change your expectations to match what he is willing to offer you. He cares about you and is happy to have sex with you, but he is NOT available for a relationship. He has communicated that several times and even has shown you through his actions he is not serious about you…or the other girl for that matter. LISTEN to him! You keep wanting to change how he feels vs. accepting where he is at.
Basically, you have 2 choices. You can be friends with benefits or you can stop everything and allow yourself some time to heal. THEN you can be friends once you have released your attraction to him. You cannot be just friends though. You have too many feelings for him and you’ve proven to yourself several times, you always end up having sex with him. So either change your expectations or let him go. You guys can be friends later, down the road.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
You guys are going through a lot right now. So I have a question for you. If he were to stay exactly who he is today, not much integrity in certain areas of his life and treating you in certain ways, would you still get back together with him if he came back to you? Nothing is going to change though…he is who he is.
Heidi
Hi Nina,
I get how confusing it can be to watch an older man behave like a child. The way he would say negative things about you and then say it was a joke…that’s about a jr. high age kind of behavior. That tells you right away where some of his energy is stuck and not evolved. We all have parts of ourselves stuck at younger ages. This is because when trauma or disruptions happen at a certain age, it stays in “state specific form.” This basically means, those moments imprint at that age, in that level of mentality. So let’s say I felt a ton of hurt and betrayal in 6th grade when my best friend didn’t pick me to be his soccer team at recess. Because I am in 6th grade, my brain is not fully developed. I don’t have the phsysical, spiritual or emotional ability to truly process the depths of what happened, so that memory stays stored in a 6th grade mentality.
Someone like this guy has a TON of stored energy from a very young age that he has not released or processed…hence negative “teasing.” In the future, keep an eye out for any behaviors that seem young and harmful to you or the relationship. This will tell you areas where they are stuck. Unless they really go back and deal with that energy, it will just compound and get worse day by day. Recognize this in yourself as well. This behavior typically comes out we get triggered. Triggers, as horrible as they feel, are the greatest gifts to let us know where we have stuck energy. Triggers offer us moments for healing.
You are going to heal and use this experience as a way to become even more aware for the next time. As yucky as he is, you are exiting this situation with more of you than you had before you met him. You are more aware, you are choosing to forgive and you are going to be more cautious next time around. Well done!
Keep us posted on your process. We are here for you every step of the way!
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Wow…what an interesting scenario. I’m sorry this is happening for you.
Here is the thing. He obviously doesn’t trust or feel safe in himself, therefore he doesn’t trust others. To hide his real identity and age means he doesn’t trust that he can handle anything that shows up if he were to be authentic and truthful. He may have a horrible past and need to hide or he may not trust women specifically…regardless, he fundamentally doesn’t trust in himself that he is resilient and can handle pain, abandonment, rejection, betrayal etc. He instead needs to hide in order to feel like he can protect himself. The thing is, he gets to do that. He has his reasons that are valid for him.
Your choice now is to either accept that this is how he is dealing with his fears and continue to move forward with him or you walk away. It is true that you cannot trust him. He is choosing to lie and hide in order to deal with whatever fear he has. And again, he gets to do that.
If you stay, that means you are choosing a guy who feels okay about doing what he is doing. He feels justified and no need to apologize. The fact that he won’t apologize also tells you that he is not concerned about how his choices affect you…or at least not concerned enough to connect that his choice hurts you. It doesn’t matter about the “right” or “wrong” of a situation. What matters is a person’s ability to connect to their partner’s experience and make that matter. So you are getting a little insight into the kind of guy you are letting into your life. You are seeing that he is not willing to work WITH you. It’s his way and that’s all that matters. He feels justified and that’s all that matters. Even if he spent a moment and just validated how that would feel for you to find out he has been lying to you. It would mean that he cares about your experience of him.
Are these qualities you are willing to invite into your life?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m glad to hear you have gone a week without connecting and you are feeling good about it. Well done!!! It also must feel really good to have him miss you. That’s really nice to know.
You are correct. No response is a good thing for right now. You have said everything you need to say. He made his choice and that means he is going to have to hurt and miss you. He doesn’t get to connect with you whenever he wants anymore. Not responding is sending him a message that you are very serious about your boundaries and you are no longer available to be used by him. Not responding also helps you learn to get comfortable not connecting to his needs, which is a new thing for you. It’s been a looooong time that you cared for him and where his needs mattered. Now…his needs are no longer yours to care for. It’s a new adjustment and way of thinking, so keep working at it. You are doing a great job and I love that you feel good about it.
Are you excited to go on your trip, or do you feel mixed about it considering you are dealing with this at the moment?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Well done! You made it through having to see him. You both were friendly and that is always nice. Of course there are still a lot of feelings between you guys that can’t be expressed, but that is just part of breaking up. His offer to still got to Hawaii is very unrealistic. It’s just to a good thing to do to go on vacation with an ex. That’s asking for a TON of trouble. But then again, he may be wanting that. Regardless, keep choosing yourself and allowing yourself to heal. You may love him, but he doesn’t love himself very well, which means he doesn’t really have the ability to receive love very well. People like that are so incredibly difficult to be relationship with. His inability to forgive is only hurting himself. I hope he realizes that someday. He sure has missed out on you. He had an opportunity to grow and become more of who he was with you. But instead, he is choosing his relationship with his fear and hurt over you. So sad, but no an uncommon thing.
You are doing good work, staying connected to yourself and committing to heal. It’s a rollercoaster ride at first, but then you will stabilize and life will start to feel more normal again. You can do this! Keep coming here and connecting with us and sharing your challenges. you are not alone through this.
Heidi
