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Hi Zuzana,
I would suggest not to ask him out for a while. Give it a few weeks to a month. He is REALLY hurt and angry, as he should be. He is going to want to stay away from women for a bit, until he can find his ground again. Your job, as his friend, is just to continue to be there and let him vent. Keep validating. Keep supporting and don’t try to help him fix how he feels. He will do that on his own. I like Kanya’s guidelines of just contacting him once per week, at most. This will let him know you are still there for him, as well as give him enough space to do his thing. You can maybe do something like contact him every Monday. You can send him a message saying something like, “I know that what you are going through is shattering. I also know it helps to have friends as you find your ground again. So I’m gonna text you every Monday. I’m gonna find something to send you that will put a smile on your face or something encouraging. You don’t need to respond though.” And then maybe you send him funny videos of animals, embarrassing moments, a clip of a comedy show etc. If you don’t want to say all that, just send that kind of stuff once per week anyways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Julia,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here and asking for some ideas.
You have a lot of very unhealthy dynamics in your situation, Julia. There is one basic principle that is missing in your relationship and that is respect. You want something from him, but are not really willing to fight for it. You want his respect. You want him to value you. You want him to choose you. You want him to let go of his ex and stop cheating. I’m wondering if she even knows about you. The thing is, if you want him to treat you that way, you have to treat yourself that way first and foremost. You cannot expect someone to treat you in ways that you are not treating yourself. So he is going to treat you in the way that you teach him is okay. You are communicating through your actions, that you do not have boundaries or standards as to how he can treat you. You are teaching him that it’s okay for him to go connect with the other girl and have sex with you. You are teaching him that all he has to do is show you kindness and have a talk with you and then everything is okay. He can have sex with you and then leave and meet the other girl. He has done this plenty of times with you, to know the exact way to re-connect with you again. If you want him to treat you differently and take you seriously, then it’s time for you to set some boundaries, get VERY clear about what you want and settle for nothing less. If you want a relationship with him, then no more on and off again kind of thing and no more sex. He obviously is not over this other girl, so reality is Julia…it’s going to take some time for him to really release her and be ready for something new. He is not ready for a relationship with you, but he is happy to keep things casusal with you. So if that’s what you want, then go for it. Change your expectations to match what he is willing to offer you. He cares about you and is happy to have sex with you, but he is NOT available for a relationship. He has communicated that several times and even has shown you through his actions he is not serious about you…or the other girl for that matter. LISTEN to him! You keep wanting to change how he feels vs. accepting where he is at.
Basically, you have 2 choices. You can be friends with benefits or you can stop everything and allow yourself some time to heal. THEN you can be friends once you have released your attraction to him. You cannot be just friends though. You have too many feelings for him and you’ve proven to yourself several times, you always end up having sex with him. So either change your expectations or let him go. You guys can be friends later, down the road.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
You guys are going through a lot right now. So I have a question for you. If he were to stay exactly who he is today, not much integrity in certain areas of his life and treating you in certain ways, would you still get back together with him if he came back to you? Nothing is going to change though…he is who he is.
Heidi
Hi Nina,
I get how confusing it can be to watch an older man behave like a child. The way he would say negative things about you and then say it was a joke…that’s about a jr. high age kind of behavior. That tells you right away where some of his energy is stuck and not evolved. We all have parts of ourselves stuck at younger ages. This is because when trauma or disruptions happen at a certain age, it stays in “state specific form.” This basically means, those moments imprint at that age, in that level of mentality. So let’s say I felt a ton of hurt and betrayal in 6th grade when my best friend didn’t pick me to be his soccer team at recess. Because I am in 6th grade, my brain is not fully developed. I don’t have the phsysical, spiritual or emotional ability to truly process the depths of what happened, so that memory stays stored in a 6th grade mentality.
Someone like this guy has a TON of stored energy from a very young age that he has not released or processed…hence negative “teasing.” In the future, keep an eye out for any behaviors that seem young and harmful to you or the relationship. This will tell you areas where they are stuck. Unless they really go back and deal with that energy, it will just compound and get worse day by day. Recognize this in yourself as well. This behavior typically comes out we get triggered. Triggers, as horrible as they feel, are the greatest gifts to let us know where we have stuck energy. Triggers offer us moments for healing.
You are going to heal and use this experience as a way to become even more aware for the next time. As yucky as he is, you are exiting this situation with more of you than you had before you met him. You are more aware, you are choosing to forgive and you are going to be more cautious next time around. Well done!
Keep us posted on your process. We are here for you every step of the way!
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Wow…what an interesting scenario. I’m sorry this is happening for you.
Here is the thing. He obviously doesn’t trust or feel safe in himself, therefore he doesn’t trust others. To hide his real identity and age means he doesn’t trust that he can handle anything that shows up if he were to be authentic and truthful. He may have a horrible past and need to hide or he may not trust women specifically…regardless, he fundamentally doesn’t trust in himself that he is resilient and can handle pain, abandonment, rejection, betrayal etc. He instead needs to hide in order to feel like he can protect himself. The thing is, he gets to do that. He has his reasons that are valid for him.
Your choice now is to either accept that this is how he is dealing with his fears and continue to move forward with him or you walk away. It is true that you cannot trust him. He is choosing to lie and hide in order to deal with whatever fear he has. And again, he gets to do that.
If you stay, that means you are choosing a guy who feels okay about doing what he is doing. He feels justified and no need to apologize. The fact that he won’t apologize also tells you that he is not concerned about how his choices affect you…or at least not concerned enough to connect that his choice hurts you. It doesn’t matter about the “right” or “wrong” of a situation. What matters is a person’s ability to connect to their partner’s experience and make that matter. So you are getting a little insight into the kind of guy you are letting into your life. You are seeing that he is not willing to work WITH you. It’s his way and that’s all that matters. He feels justified and that’s all that matters. Even if he spent a moment and just validated how that would feel for you to find out he has been lying to you. It would mean that he cares about your experience of him.
Are these qualities you are willing to invite into your life?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m glad to hear you have gone a week without connecting and you are feeling good about it. Well done!!! It also must feel really good to have him miss you. That’s really nice to know.
You are correct. No response is a good thing for right now. You have said everything you need to say. He made his choice and that means he is going to have to hurt and miss you. He doesn’t get to connect with you whenever he wants anymore. Not responding is sending him a message that you are very serious about your boundaries and you are no longer available to be used by him. Not responding also helps you learn to get comfortable not connecting to his needs, which is a new thing for you. It’s been a looooong time that you cared for him and where his needs mattered. Now…his needs are no longer yours to care for. It’s a new adjustment and way of thinking, so keep working at it. You are doing a great job and I love that you feel good about it.
Are you excited to go on your trip, or do you feel mixed about it considering you are dealing with this at the moment?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Well done! You made it through having to see him. You both were friendly and that is always nice. Of course there are still a lot of feelings between you guys that can’t be expressed, but that is just part of breaking up. His offer to still got to Hawaii is very unrealistic. It’s just to a good thing to do to go on vacation with an ex. That’s asking for a TON of trouble. But then again, he may be wanting that. Regardless, keep choosing yourself and allowing yourself to heal. You may love him, but he doesn’t love himself very well, which means he doesn’t really have the ability to receive love very well. People like that are so incredibly difficult to be relationship with. His inability to forgive is only hurting himself. I hope he realizes that someday. He sure has missed out on you. He had an opportunity to grow and become more of who he was with you. But instead, he is choosing his relationship with his fear and hurt over you. So sad, but no an uncommon thing.
You are doing good work, staying connected to yourself and committing to heal. It’s a rollercoaster ride at first, but then you will stabilize and life will start to feel more normal again. You can do this! Keep coming here and connecting with us and sharing your challenges. you are not alone through this.
Heidi
Hi JS,
Getting over love is so hard. It’s only been a month though. It’s going to take some time to get your bearings again and start to feel better about yourself. Every time you think about him, keep saying “It’s over AND I am going to heal.” The reason it hurts so bad is you are telling yourself a certain story about the ending. I also imagine you are not telling yourself the story about how wonderful your life is after you have healed. Most people stop the story after the loss. Then they cry more and keep the story in their mind about loss and keep crying and hurting. So they say things like “I miss him so much. I can’t stand it” or “I can’t believe this is over” or “I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I want him back.” All those stories you are saying to yourself is just the first part. Start adding in the second part. “I miss him so much. I can’t stand it AND I will be okay.” I can’t believe this is over AND I am going to heal and fall in love again.” I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I want him back AND I am a resilient woman and will be okay without him in my life.” This is one of many techniques you need to start doing to get yourself grounded back into the truth of who you are. Gary does not define your value…you do! You need to fight to stay connected to the truth and goodness that you are, even when you are in a lot of pain.
Make sure you keep the pain moving. Meaning, put a song on and dance your sadness or anger or hurt or depression. Write it out in a journal. Talk into a recorder and say everything you want to say him. Come here and vent and let everything out. If you just stay stuck in the sadness and don’t give it an outlet, you won’t ever fully recover and it will take forever to move past Gary. So what ACTIONS are you willing to take, in order to help yourself heal. It’s over with Gary. Now it’s time to put attention back onto yourself and let him go.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
This is a good question and the answer could be a variety of things. There is still a lot to learn about each other. Was he like this before he lost his job?
Is he an introvert? He might just be going into his “cave” to think and process whatever is bothering him. He might be disconnecting, because too much energy is going out compared to what is going in and he needs to just be quiet. He still may not be sure about what he wants. Until he finds a new job and gets settled, EVERYTHING is going to feel funky for him. Everything is going to feel unsure.
What I suggest is to just let him be there. Let him be quiet when he needs and then be there when he is ready to be affectionate. You can always ask him when he is being quiet “You seem like you are in another world right now. How is it over there?” Typically, when a guy goes into a cave, the last thing he wants is to talk about it. He will talk when he comes out. But saying something light and fun like that just bring his attention back into the present moment. You can always ask him about his “quiet time” when things are good. You can say something like, “Hey…I’m just noticing how sometimes you are super affectionate and other times you go radio silent and seem like you want to be alone. I would love to learn about you and understand what that is.”
Or you can just keep supporting him through whatever mood he is in and just let him be there. No matter the reason, if he feels you just accept him for exactly who he is, it will help create a feeling of safety in him that he can just be himself with you.
Again, I think that until he finds a job, everything is going to be a bit “off.” How is he doing with that part of his life? Any luck with getting interviews or finding something he can get excited about?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Wow! You really are handling everything really well. I love the idea of the space invaders game! haha! And then you taught that to the college kid. Well done! You are turning challenge into triumph! I love the feedback that you got as well from the younger ones. It’s always pretty wonderful to get feedback as to the impressions you are having on people. It’s great feedback and everyone seems to agree. Any ideas as to where you are going to look next for a job? I agree…something where you get to lead sounds like it would fill your heart. I get the massage thing. I used to do that for work as well, but I did it on my own time. I obviously got to keep all the money, so that was helpful, but it definitely is the kind of job where a lot of energy goes out.
Any word from JB? Is he still staying connected? Is there an official date you guys are going to meet up? I don’t know if you watch tv, but you should watch “love is blind” on netflix. It’s a new reality tv show where people are getting engaged before they meet. It’s just fascinating!
And lastly, just a thought…your dad was not a victim by giving his pants away to a man who was taking advantage of him. Many times, I know someone is trying to manipulate me for some reason or another. Sometimes I give them exactly what they want, because I am inspired anyways. Your dad may have known the kind of guy he was giving his pants to and just did it anyway, because he would rather be kind than judgemental. And if he didn’t know he was being manipulated, then oh well! Your dad still got to feel himself getting to help another human being…plain and simple. People who are generous to a fault are not victims to others. They are still adults and are choosing to either stay asleep to their ineffective patterns and therefore will keep attracting people who will take from them or at some point they will wake up to those patterns and have a choice to work on them. No matter what though, we all have patterns that cause harm to others. Those people who are wanting to take from others, have a strong scarcity belief at the core of who they are. We need people like that around! They help keep the balance. They help people wake up to their own thoughts and feelings. They help people become better human beings by being a mirror to them. Just another way to look at it 🙂
Heidi
Oh wow! That is heartbreaking to hear! How awful!
Help him through this by first trusting him that he is strong enough to handle what is happening. Imagine him being on the other side of this, seeing he is happy and healed and moving forward with his life. He needs to know that you trust and believe in him.
Here are the basic steps to helping someone through a challenge.
1. Listen first. Create a space for him to share anything he needs to
2. Validate. After he shares his story, immediately validate by saying things like “Oh wow. Betrayal is so extremely hard. I know how strong your family values are and you are watching them get shattered all over the place.”
3. Be curious. After validating with 1 or 2 sentences, start to ask questions and get him to keep talking more. This part is so important. It will help him feel like you really want to know him and support him and you are there WITH him and comfortable with his emotions. So ask questions like, “how are your kids handling this?” “what are you most afraid of?”
4. Then you can start to head into problem solving, if that is even necessary. Sometimes the above 3 steps are all someone needs from their friend. They just need to vent, share the story, be listened to and validated and they feel better. This is where you offer ideas about what to “do” or you can also just remind him of his strength. You can say something like, “I know how horrible this feels right now. I also know you are resilient. I know you are strong enough to work through this and get to the other side of this….”Does this help?
Heidi
Hi NM,
You feel fooled. It’s awful isn’t it? Being fooled is one of the fastest ways to make you doubt yourself. It’s awful. It’s also a very easy reason to stay angry at someone.
I want to encourage you to forgive him and forgive yourself for being fooled. The negative energy you carry about him, only hurts you. If you give him that power of taking your self-trust away for the next guy that comes along, then you are missing out on your own ability to be resilient and heal.
The truth is, we ALL are foolable. That is just a universal truth. I have been fooled and I know an incredible amount about human behavior. We get “fooled” not because of what the other person does or how they treat us, we get fooled because there is something in us that wants so badly to believe in the connection and good in someone. So the need for connection and for things to work out, ends up becoming so strong, that we don’t see so clearly. That’s why the saying “love is blind” is so true. For that very reason, I have an entire system set up to help me, when I start to fall for someone. I have specific questions, certain people for him to meet, he will meet my dog (who is very sensitive to a person’s vibe) and certain experiences to have with him. This approach still doesn’t make me “fool” proof, as that is impossible. But it does get me as close as possible and connecting to the truth about who they are.
Each time we get fooled, we learn…that’s all. If anything, this experience is giving you a gift. It’s helping you understand more about yourself and it’s giving you an opportunity to forgive his limitations and for being unkind. Is this a route you are willing to take?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
I want to again guide you into just relaxing and not trying to “do” anything specific, other than letting him take the lead right now. You barely know him and you have no idea about the specifics as to why he has pulled away. Still give it some time and see what happens before you try anything with him.
What about you though? Are you keeping the door open to meeting other guys? Are you going on any dates?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I’m so glad to hear this!!! This is great!
I want you to really hear him. You said this “He said he meant all of it and wants me in his life but is still worried he has nothing to offer” This is his greatest fear and quite normal, as I said in my previous post. First, you need to make sure you don’t lay it on too thick with him with the whole hero instinct thing. He will feel like you are trying too hard and it will start to feel fake on some level.
So to start, instead of focusing so much on helping him feel better about himself in that way, I want to guide you into focusing more on supporting him. So when he says he doesn’t feel like he has much to offer, instead of countering by saying “it isn’t all about the money” you want to validate him. You could say something like, “I get it. I know how important having a solid job and income is. It makes you feel more competent in life, doesn’t it? Have you ever not had a job before?” Moments when he shares a bit of his vulnerability, are GOLDEN moments to just validate and ask more questions. It gives him a safe space to open up and you get to support and learn about him. Spend some time doing that for a bit in the conversation, before you head into trying to problem solve.
Another approach is reminding him of his best self. For example, you can say “I know it sucks not having a job right now. It’s hard and I imagine very frustrating for you. But you know what? I trust you will find something new. You are good at what you do, you are driven and you are an incredible employee. You are going to figure this out.”
What do you think? Does something like this work for you?
Heidi
