Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Julia,
I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are you handling everything? Are you able to stay disconnected? What is happening?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any new developments? How are you processing everything?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m sure you are off on your trip right now. I just wanted you to know I am sending you a lot of good thoughts and am hoping this vacation is wonderful and nourishing for your heart…you have been through a lot!
Looking forward to hearing from you when you get back!
Heidi
Hey there! I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What are you doing to make sure you keep laughing and nourishing your heart right now?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana!
This is great! He DOES feel safe enough with you to share the biggest challenge he is dealing with right now. It sounds like you are doing a great job and he is responding well to everything. He is lucky to have you in his life. Even if nothing turns out in 6 months, you can still know that you were being a really good friend to him when he really needed one. That matters! For right now, you are being the very best kind of person you can be for him.
Just keep an eye on yourself too. I know you said you will give it 6 months. But if before then, you start to find yourself really struggling, it’s important you pay attention to that and honor your struggle. One day at a time though Zuzana. You are doing a great job!
Heidi
Hi NM,
You are doing a great job staying connected to the truth of his limitations and not making efforts to invite him back into your life. I don’t blame you for wishing you didn’t feel what you did. Truth is, we ALL do the same exact thing. Letting go of someone is far from easy, even if they were awful. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to help women who were in abusive relationships, let go of the good parts they soooo connected to. They cried, they begged, they wanted to do anything and everything they could to get their guy back, despite the abuse. So what I am saying here is…your feelings are normal. You loved and you cared and there is no easy way to let all of that go.
Just like Kanya said, you WILL get over this. It takes time to heal the hurt and to let go of the dreams you created for yourself, with him in it. Everyday, keep reminding yourself of what you DO have and focus on that every time you start to miss him or get angry at him. Maybe carry around a little pad of paper and each time you are struggling, pull that pad of paper out and write down 3 things you are grateful for. Or write down a sentence of how you are feeling and then at the end, finish the sentence with “AND I choose to forgive him.” “AND I choose to forgive myself.” “AND I am healing. I am okay. I am resilient.”
Give those techniques a try and see how it goes.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
You sure are going through a lot right now. Did you end up looking up piriformis syndrome? The numbness down the leg is a symptom of that. Whenever there is numbness down the leg, a nerve is being compressed somewhere. Often times it is the sciatic nerve. So people think they have sciatica, but sciatica often gets mixed up with piriformis syndrome. Either way, that nerve may be getting compressed somewhere in the hip either by the piriformis muscles, hips that are mis-aligned, leg length differences…goodness, there are a lot of reasons that could be happening. I typically suggest people to go to a P.T. They have a TON of experience diagnosing stuff like that and most of the time, have other solutions, aside from shots, to correct problems. A chiropractor might be a good option for you too. Or even getting a deep tissue or rolfing type of massage. It’s waaaaay better to do those kinds of things first before getting a cortisone shot. Just a thought.
As far as your fears and your dream, here is one way to look at it. When I analyze my dreams, I view it from the perspective that each person or thing in my dream, is a version of myself. It helps me understand how the different parts of myself are getting along…or not. Sometimes I’m fighting, sometimes I’m getting married etc. It’s always a reflection of how I am relating to myself. So when you view it that way, instead of being afraid, view it as a teaching tool to let you know where you are at in relation to your self.
You know, I am alone as well. I understand your fears about no one being there if you fall. Reality is, it’s very possible for no one to be there when you fall, even if you are in a relationship. Life just happens and there are a million moments where things could go wrong. The thing I have learned over the years, is that when something DOES happen, it’s all going to work out. You will be okay. You will always figure out how to deal with whatever shows up in your life. Each moment has lessons and gifts for us, even if it’s extremely challenging. You have survived so much already, I have no doubt you could survive anything that happens. So keep staying present in the moment and embrace your fear. You know what fear stands for? False Evidence Appearing Real. The way to deal with our fears is to embrace them, get to know them and teach ourselves to be present. Fear is always about the future, so when fear shows up, immediately begin to remind yourself, “Right now, I am okay. Right now, I am safe. Right now, nothing is happening to me.”
Does this help?
Heidi
How did your guy do on his test? I think it was supposed to happen this week, but I could be wrong.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Everyone is so worried about traveling these days. I’m glad you are choosing to go anyways! I know a handful of people who have canceled their trips.
I want to encourage you to not let him take you to the airport. This vacation is important for you and it’s even more important that you start it off with a good mindset. If he takes you to the airport, it starts your trip off having to deal with heartache. If you want to see him before you go, plan it the day before or something, but let the day that you leave, just be yours. Get your mindset in a good spot to leave and create the intention to start your vacation off with complete peace, clarity, fun and adventure. No heartache allowed…you can collect your heartache when you get back. Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Of course you feel held back!!! There is no closure here and it hurts like crazy! This is why setting your boundaries and getting clear about what you want and need is so important. Even though he hasn’t decided yet, it can give you some sense of control in your life.
Your love for him is so beutiful and it hurts to not get to feed that, feel that in yourself and nourish it. You lost a part of yourself, when he walked away. You are also discovering new parts of yourself too. Either way, it’s all confusing, hurtful and wonderful at the same time. Growing and changing is most of time pretty uncomfortable. You are right though. You will need to create some kind of closure, if he is not willing to. But for now, you said what you needed to, you will go on your vacation and you will deal with the next steps when you come back. So for now, no decisions need to be made, except the ones that nourish and fill you up. You get to hurt, cry, laugh, meet new people, see new things and just be whatever it is that you need to be for the next few weeks. ALL OF IT is good stuff for you…whatever shows up. Just stay connected to yourself. Maybe take a journal?Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing more. I understand how difficult it is to watch someone make choices in their lives that are harmful, which in turn affects you. His choices to stay in this pattern, choose pot to help him survive his life and not make choices to grow and learn about himself…has to be incredibly difficult for you to watch, knowing there is another way.
I know you love him. It feels wonderful to love someone AND love is not enough to keep a relationship together. Science has revealed many times over that the breaking point of relationships is how the couple handles stress together. You both approach stress in VERY different ways, which creates a HUGE barrier and will always limit how close you guys will be. You are only as strong as your weakest link, right? Well…if he wants to choose to be in a relationship with misery, limiting beliefs and pot…then that means you are in a relationship with those things too…despite how wonderful and amazing your activities are together. Your relationship will only be as strong as the limiting beliefs you both carry. Since he is not the type to grow, learn and heal, then you will ALWAYS be limited in your own growth and the growth of your relationship.
So let me ask you this, imagine he stays exactly the same. He still is in a job he doesn’t love nor believes that’s something he needs, he is not interested in facing his issues, he isn’t interested in any of your expertise on how to help him, he has mood swings etc. Now imagine being with him like this for 10 more years. How does that make you feel?
When I coach people on considering their life partner, I always coach them from the mindset of choosing a partner by their worst qualities first and foremost and THEN their best qualities. The worst qualities in a couple is what will make or break the relationship. So if you were to choose him from his worst qualities, knowing this is just who he is and is not going to change, would you invite him into your life on deep levels?
Heidi
Hi MC,
You are asking some great questions!
When he is feeling negative and challenged at work, it’s activating you feeling very powerless to fix it for him. Feeling powerless is really difficult, however it’s such a wonderful thing to embrace, instead of run away from. It is VERY unrealistic to expect that every time you are together is supposed to be amazing. It’s VERY important for you to feel comfortable supporting him when he is having a hard time, otherwise your relationship will not be able to last a long time. You need to be able to feel okay, even when he is struggling. Here is an analogy. A healthy way to support each other is when one person is having a hard time, they are like a tornado. Their partner can be the ground. The ground is there to support and stay connected to the tornado, NOT to become the tornado. The ground is separate than the tornado. The ground stays solid and quiet and then when the tornado is done, everything is calm again. So it’s not your job to fix anything for him, it’s your job to just be the ground. Your job is to be that person he can stay connected to, when he feels his life is spinning and getting chaotic. That’s all he needs. So instead of wanting to help him fix his pain, trust that the challenge he is facing right now, is helping him to become a stronger man. When he is negative, all you need to do is remind him of his best self. FOr example, if he says, “I don’t think I can take this anymore” you would say something like, “I KNOW you can. I know what you are going through right now is very hard. What I also know is you are smart. You are resilient. You are strong and I have 100% confidence in you, that you will figure this out.” When you say things like that, you are reminding him of his qualities and abilities to handle stress. That is one way to deal with his negativity. Another way is to dive into it with him. So if he says, “I don’t think I can take this anymore” you would say “I get it. You feel like the entire world is sitting on your shoulders. What does that feel like for you?” So by asking him question after question about different ways he is feeling, you are allowing the space for him to feel what he needs, talk about it and even put his brain into the processing mode. So many times, I have had people walk away feeling completely better, just because they emptied out, got to say everything they needed to, they felt I was interested and a good listener because of all the questions I asked…and that’s all they needed.
How do you feel about approaching it this way? Most importantly, how do you feel about changing your perspective about your role in his life when he is stressed out?
Heidi
Hi FT,
You are going through a lot. I’m so sorry. It is incredibly difficult to watch someone pulling away and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s a very powerless feeling.
I agree in that it’s wise to take a step back. Again, it sounds like he is really enjoying just living his life and not having to think about you and your needs. I understand that there was a lot of connection between you guys. I also hear how much that connection took an incredible amount of work. The way things were going, I don’t really see how it’s the kind of relationship that was sustainable. He sounds like a very high maintenance kind of guy and quite fragile in many areas of his life. And that’s okay! He gets to be that! Despite your understanding of his limitations though, I think that it was too much for you. It doesn’t sound like it was a peaceful relationship for you either, as you had A LOT of needs that were not being met in different areas. Like Kanya said, this is who he is. I know you are willing to step back and not initiate, but would you maybe consider that maybe it’s best to let go of him entirely? Would you be willing to consider that a relationship with him is always going to take a lot of work and that maybe all that work is just more stress than you are willing to invite into your life?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
what amazing writing! I really enjoy how honest you are and the thoughts and feelings you share. It’s a lot and it’s all very powerful!
It sounds like you are ready to dive a little deeper in everything you are feeling and allow yourself some time to recover. I’ve taken many hibernation periods and they can be quite wonderful if used for all it offers!
Losing the store is interesting isn’t it? When there is loss, there are things you end up feeling that you didn’t know you felt when you had it. That place was something solid in your life. It was part of your identity and now it’s gone. All kinds of stuff is surfacing now from it. What are you doing to deal with everything you are feeling? You want to work on not letting your system go numb if you can. One thing I say to myself MANY times is “It’s safe to feel Heidi. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel Heidi. It’s okay to feel and be safe Heidi.” Keep giving yourself permission to feel whatever is needed. Just saying it in your mind is helpful. It can help counteract your system’s need to go numb.
You said “It bothers me when he asks me out.” I am wondering why it “bothers” you. What button is he pushing? He is just being a guy who is interested in meeting you and doing what any guy does…he asks a girl out. So what that you are not attracted to him. Does that mean he should stop trying to connect?
“What happens when i stop laughing? And sink into my pain? Who wants to be around me then? idk. I think dating allows you to figure out if you want a person in your life or not. Or in what way. You might work better as friends than as lovers.” Every single human being has a difficult side. Every person is unkind, loses patience, has trouble forgiving, judges…we ALL are like this and yet, people are still able to love each other. I know that a man can love the worst in me because I accept that part of myself. I deserve to be loved for ALL that I am, not just my best parts. You know what that’s like…you offer that to your kids. Why not believe it’s possible to receive that in return? JB, no matter who this person is, is even giving you that experience. You blew up on him and yet he still returned and connected with you again.
Dating is not about figuring out if you want someone in your life or not. If you really get to the core of dating, it’s all about discovering yourself. When I dated, it was with soooo many different types of guys because I wanted to know more about myself. When we are sitting in front of someone, we end up feeling a mix of ourselves, that only that 1 person can bring out. And then from there, we decide if we want to keep feeling that particular mix of ourselves around that person or not. All the other stuff about dating is based off of that one foundational feeling. People call it a million different things like chemistry, attraction, connection etc. but it’s actually never about the other person….it’s always about how WE feel in front of that person. So…maybe at some point, consider just “dating” since you have never done it before. You don’t even have to be attracted to him. Just go anyway and discover all different mixes of yourself. It might even be good to go on dates with guys you aren’t attracted to because there is no pressure. You won’t feel the need to try to make something happen, so it would be more comfortable. I remember that I committed for season to go our with ANY guy who had the courage to ask me. It wouldn’t matter if he was ugly, fat or gorgeous and snobby. I went (as long as I felt safe of course). I did this because I wanted to see what I would be like…and boy did I learn a lot!!!! So for you, dating would just be an experiment and an adventure where you get to know yourself…all the ins and outs that make you tick and not tick. Just a thought for when you recover from what you are dealing with now.
Did your daughter get back from TX yet? Is she safe? Did she have fun?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I totally get your inability to cry. I used to be like that as well. The more intense that something was happening, the more my system would just shut down and I would go numb. It used to take quite a bit of time and for more challenges to show up, to actually push me over the edge and feel the tears that I knew had to be there. Lots of walls, right?
This makes a lot of sense about you never having dated. This is great then! We can walk you through how to go about that! Puppy love is sweet, but as you said, it’s time to grow up that part of yourself. It’s time to date and start to learn who you are in that part of life. It will help you be better equipped to be in a longer-term relationship anyways.
So let’s talk about your response to JB. What made you so angry? What caused you to be verbally abusive?? I don’t want to focus on what he said and did that was the trigger, I’m interested in hearing about your trigger. What button in you, did he push? How did he make you feel with whatever it is that he said?
Again, let’s stay grounded here. Nobody knows who he really is and it doesn’t sound like he is interested in meeting any time soon. I imagine he just stays connected to you because you are a comfort for him and there is a level of a friendship there, with the safety of hiding behind a computer. It’s not real. It doesn’t matter anymore what he says or doesn’t say and whether it’s true. His choice is to remain hiding and he gets to do that. Your choice is now to see if you are interested in staying connected to someone who is only interested in connecting over the computer and wishes to stay anonymous in a big way. It doesn’t matter that you can get into arguments and still come back together. JB could be a women, transgender, a 75 year old man, a con artist…JB could be ANYONE! You do not have a single ounce of proof of whether or not anything he is saying to you is actually true. Just keep yourself grounded in the truth of this relationship.
Dating is tricky. You can get to know someone pretty quickly, but also not. The surface, the characteristics and the general feeling about a person can easily be determined, but the deeper layers, the subconscious, is where it takes time to see a person in action. So let’s talk about you dating. Do you have resistence to it? When you think about dating, what do you imagine that is like? What does dating mean to you? Do you know why you avoid it?
Heidi
