Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Laila,
Just checking in. How are things going? Have you decided to let things go officially? We’d love an update.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I am so so sorry! Everything is a mess right now, isn’t it? You will be able to go on your vacation at some point. It’s disappointing, but something that can circle back around for you.
Your husband however, is a different story. I understand why you pressured him and I understand why you feel like it’s all falling apart. I’m going to remind you that you DO have the power in your hands, but you don’t want to take it because of what it means. YOu want HIM to decide, instead of you deciding.
I know you want your husband back, but like I have been saying all along, then what? The problems and issues that were there inside of him and in your marriage that caused him to leave in the first place, are still there. Him leaving her and coming back to you, is not going to make your pain go away. It’s not going to make his pain go away. There will be a whole new set of problems you both will be carrying around, on top of the ones that already existed. Your desperateness to get your husband back may relieve the loss you feel right now, but it won’t relieve the mess that is there.
“Something is wrong. He says things are a mess over there but he is not leaving.” Things are a mess in every single direction he looks Cynthia. They are a mess with you and they are a mess with her. Why? Because HE is a mess! Look at how he is handling everything. Look at his choices. Look at his actions. He is so confused and so messed up inside and BOTH you ladies are participating and supporting him in being his lower self. That is not love. That is you not wanting to be alone and face what you feel and the same exact thing is true for the other woman as well. You would rather stay connected to a man whose “love” is damaging, self-fulfilling and full of woundedness than to love yourself. He has the power because you are giving it to him. You are wanting him to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself….and that is to choose you, fight for you, connect with you, love you.
Love is not love, when you take yourself out of the equation. It’s not love when you are choosing him over yourself. Love is healthy and real when you love BOTH yourself and him. It’s love when BOTH people value themselves as much, if not more, than each other. It’s love when BOTH people treat each other with respect, honor and in high regard…because that is how they treat themselves. The moment you take yourself out of the equation and de-value your heart, your feelings, your needs in order to get him back…you have lost.
So…your real journey, if you want to take it, is to connect back to yourself and love yourself FIRST, before requiring that from him. You cannot expect nor ask something from someone else what you are not willing to even give yourself. The truth is, you are valuable, you are worth fighting for, you are worth loving…whether or not he chooses you. You are putting all of your value in his hands. If you are his second choice, that is HIS experience. That does not mean it’s the truth. And that’s the hard part of the journey. Trying to feel valuable in the face of huge rejection is so darn painful and difficult. BUT…if you take that journey and work through the pain, instead of trying to relieve it by getting back together…then you will receive the REAL gifts that are there for you.
I know this guidance is probably not what you want to hear. I know it doesn’t relieve the pain, but maybe it can bring you some clarity and a perspective that can help you decide which way to go. Either choice…whether it means you wait around for him or whether it means you decide to leave…it’s going to be painful for a while and I am so sorry for that. There is no easy choice here, but it is one for YOUR to make…not him. You either choose to wait or you don’t.
When having to make this kind of choice, the best way to do it, is to NOT choose the path that is going to relieve the pain as fast as possible, but to choose the path that is going to support YOUR best self. That’s why this is not really his choice. This is YOUR choice to make. This is about how you are either willing to support and love yourself through his choice to not be with you…or not…and wait around to see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
We are so glad you are here and were open to our ideas and guidance. There are MANY times that we advise slowing things down and reconsidering and our guidance is not heeded, as they just want their guy back, no matter the cost. So serious kudos to you, for having enough strength to do what you have done, despite the pain and hurt and confusion! You are very courageous!
Us ladies DO like to create romantic, imaginary scenarios with someone we are connected with. They are quite powerful too! I even do that, despite what I know. I think it’s just a normal and natural part of who we are as women and it’s okay! As long as those fantasies do not lead us, it’s okay! We need our adult, grounded and intuitive parts of ourselves to guide us. So whenever I find myself fantasizing, I will have fun with it, but then always remind myself of the truth and reality and I bring myself back to earth 🙂
As far as forgiving him, I want to encourage you to do it anyways. Forgiving is not conditional. True forgiveness does not have conditions on it. How would anyone decide who is worthy of forgiving then? I define forgiveness as letting go of the negative energy. Forgiveness, in all reality, is really more about you than it is about him. Think about it…who is REALLY paying the price for his decisions and behavior??? I would say you are, because you are the one holding onto the anger. That anger in your body, steals your energy, depresses your immune system and it occupies a lot of your thoughts. Forgiveness would free you of all of that. Besides, if you don’t forgive, you will be no different than him, in a way. He treated you the way he did, because he didn’t forgive whoever hurt him…and now he behaves in certain ways because of the hurt he carries. You don’t want to be like him, carrying around baggage from your past, affecting the present. Any anger or hurt you choose to hold onto, will only be a wall between you and the next guy. That wall will affect every aspect of your life. So for YOUR sake, work on releasing the negative feelings you have about him. I know it will take time, but if you are committed to the end result of forgiving, you will get there much faster!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
I understand your worry. This virus thing has shaken up everyone. It definitely makes us more aware of our surroundings and magnifies the care and love for those around us.
It’s important to stay very present, instead of playing the “what if” game. You can spend a TON of energy on playing “what it” about anything in life really. Where our true power is, is staying in the present moment and what is true RIGHT NOW…and right now you are okay and healthy and so is he. If something happens and you or him catches it, you will deal with that moment at that time, but for now, stay present and grounded and connected in the truth and not the “what if” story that only causes panic. You DO NOT want to make decisions from a place of fear.
For right now, stick to the plan. You committed to giving him space and if you break that boundary, it will just send him the message that you are not your word and break trust. Prove to him that he can trust what you say.
Besides, trying to get together sooner than planned isn’t going to change the fact that he is not ready to be in a relationship. You are looking for him to comfort you and connect with you amidst this challenge we are all facing. My guess is, he has plenty on his plate to deal with and wouldn’t have much to offer you anyways. Your role is to be his support right now, not the other way around. His life and beliefs were just shattered and he needs time to pick the pieces up and put them back together. Are you willing to let him do that?
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m not sure I understand correctly. Why does anything have to change for you? Why do you need to call him and talk to him on the phone vs. just sending him funny videos or encouragement every Monday? Did you send something this week?
How are you feeling about this plan? Are you able to better accept the new design of relationship with him or are you struggling?
Heidi
Hey there! How ya doing?
I’m wondering how you are processing the losses you are dealing with, your hip and looking for a new job. Just checking in…
Would love to hear an update!Heidi
Hi Julia,
I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are you handling everything? Are you able to stay disconnected? What is happening?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any new developments? How are you processing everything?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m sure you are off on your trip right now. I just wanted you to know I am sending you a lot of good thoughts and am hoping this vacation is wonderful and nourishing for your heart…you have been through a lot!
Looking forward to hearing from you when you get back!
Heidi
Hey there! I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What are you doing to make sure you keep laughing and nourishing your heart right now?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana!
This is great! He DOES feel safe enough with you to share the biggest challenge he is dealing with right now. It sounds like you are doing a great job and he is responding well to everything. He is lucky to have you in his life. Even if nothing turns out in 6 months, you can still know that you were being a really good friend to him when he really needed one. That matters! For right now, you are being the very best kind of person you can be for him.
Just keep an eye on yourself too. I know you said you will give it 6 months. But if before then, you start to find yourself really struggling, it’s important you pay attention to that and honor your struggle. One day at a time though Zuzana. You are doing a great job!
Heidi
Hi NM,
You are doing a great job staying connected to the truth of his limitations and not making efforts to invite him back into your life. I don’t blame you for wishing you didn’t feel what you did. Truth is, we ALL do the same exact thing. Letting go of someone is far from easy, even if they were awful. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to help women who were in abusive relationships, let go of the good parts they soooo connected to. They cried, they begged, they wanted to do anything and everything they could to get their guy back, despite the abuse. So what I am saying here is…your feelings are normal. You loved and you cared and there is no easy way to let all of that go.
Just like Kanya said, you WILL get over this. It takes time to heal the hurt and to let go of the dreams you created for yourself, with him in it. Everyday, keep reminding yourself of what you DO have and focus on that every time you start to miss him or get angry at him. Maybe carry around a little pad of paper and each time you are struggling, pull that pad of paper out and write down 3 things you are grateful for. Or write down a sentence of how you are feeling and then at the end, finish the sentence with “AND I choose to forgive him.” “AND I choose to forgive myself.” “AND I am healing. I am okay. I am resilient.”
Give those techniques a try and see how it goes.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
You sure are going through a lot right now. Did you end up looking up piriformis syndrome? The numbness down the leg is a symptom of that. Whenever there is numbness down the leg, a nerve is being compressed somewhere. Often times it is the sciatic nerve. So people think they have sciatica, but sciatica often gets mixed up with piriformis syndrome. Either way, that nerve may be getting compressed somewhere in the hip either by the piriformis muscles, hips that are mis-aligned, leg length differences…goodness, there are a lot of reasons that could be happening. I typically suggest people to go to a P.T. They have a TON of experience diagnosing stuff like that and most of the time, have other solutions, aside from shots, to correct problems. A chiropractor might be a good option for you too. Or even getting a deep tissue or rolfing type of massage. It’s waaaaay better to do those kinds of things first before getting a cortisone shot. Just a thought.
As far as your fears and your dream, here is one way to look at it. When I analyze my dreams, I view it from the perspective that each person or thing in my dream, is a version of myself. It helps me understand how the different parts of myself are getting along…or not. Sometimes I’m fighting, sometimes I’m getting married etc. It’s always a reflection of how I am relating to myself. So when you view it that way, instead of being afraid, view it as a teaching tool to let you know where you are at in relation to your self.
You know, I am alone as well. I understand your fears about no one being there if you fall. Reality is, it’s very possible for no one to be there when you fall, even if you are in a relationship. Life just happens and there are a million moments where things could go wrong. The thing I have learned over the years, is that when something DOES happen, it’s all going to work out. You will be okay. You will always figure out how to deal with whatever shows up in your life. Each moment has lessons and gifts for us, even if it’s extremely challenging. You have survived so much already, I have no doubt you could survive anything that happens. So keep staying present in the moment and embrace your fear. You know what fear stands for? False Evidence Appearing Real. The way to deal with our fears is to embrace them, get to know them and teach ourselves to be present. Fear is always about the future, so when fear shows up, immediately begin to remind yourself, “Right now, I am okay. Right now, I am safe. Right now, nothing is happening to me.”
Does this help?
Heidi
