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Hi Maria,
Thank you so much for being here and allowing us to support you! You are quite wonderful to work with. You have an incredibly high level of self-awareness, which makes our jobs much easier 🙂 That self-awareness however, can be really hard sometimes. I’ve had plenty of of moments in my life where I wished I could just claim ignorance, because sometimes it’s just easier. It takes great courage to embrace the truth despite how you feel. Hang in there!
Let’s talk about this: “The thing that hurts the most is that it makes me feel like I’m not worth it to him, he’s choosing drinking with friends over making the changes necessary to accept the love, support, and happiness that comes from a loving relationship with an amazing woman.” I know this doesn’t “make sense” logically. Maybe this will help. It’s called the “Upper Limit.” We all have one. It’s the limit we have that allows us to be happy. It’s a strange thing. You would think that us humans, always searching to feel happy, would actually have an unlimited ability to be happy, but it’s quite opposite. So imagine you have a giant trash can that represents your ability to be happy. Now imagine there is a lid that fits perfectly, just inside. That lid fits wherever the happy limit exists. Basically, each of our ability to be happy is directly linked to our low self-esteem. The more low self-esteem we have, the lower the limit. The more self-esteem we have, the higher the limit. With that being said, our psyche and subconscious knows when we are reaching our upper limit, but we don’t consciously, until we learn the signs. The signs that we are getting close or at our upper limit of happy, are that we sabotage in some sort of way. We sabotage because the low self-esteem will get activated, even more, when we get close to that upper limit, the sabotage behavior shows up, then BAM….we sink back down to the bottom some and pull ourselves away from the upper limit, so we don’t surpass that upper limit. That low self-esteem is so darn powerful!!! In order to pass that upper limit and push it higher and higher, we HAVE to deal with the low self-esteem, the woundedness, our limiting thoughts, since that is what is determining our upper limit. Once I learned of this in my 20s, I began watching myself and others and all of a sudden, I saw it EVERYWHERE!!! I was shocked to discover it in myself and how frequently I would sabotage my happy by eating a lot of sugar, or showing up late all the time. I remember being with a guy, who we fought like 3x a day about stupid stuff of course and we went about 2 weeks without fighting. One day I was walking over to his house and realized I felt SO uncomfortable with how smoothly things were going between us. I realized that I felt myself wanting to created an argument, just for the sake of arguing. WHAAATTT??? I just shook my head at this awareness and realized how much I was contributing to our situation. I was at my upper limit and my system wasn’t having it. Over the years, with myself as well as working with many people, have found that there is actually a lot of work to be comfortable just being happy. It’s quite common for people to ruin their happiness, but it’s invisible to most people. Now that you know, you will start to see it everywhere!
With all of that being said, it’s not that you are not worth it to him. It’s that he doesn’t feel he deserves you. He doesn’t know that he is loveable or worth fighting for. He has too much low self-esteem that he is strongly connected to, and that is what is running his life. and always will. Even if he found another woman and say, gets married, there is no way in a million years, they would be a peaceful and happy couple. It’s impossible with the amount of low self-esteem he carries. A woman who goes long term with him will just end up fighting with him and end up having a similar level of upper limit. They both will end up sabotaging the relationship in a million different ways.
Hopefully this makes sense to you and help you see him more clearly. Your low self-esteem is getting activated by this rejection, as it should be. Rejection exposes where our fault lines are – the cracks in our psyche. That’s where the lies live, where our limiting beliefs about ourselves live and where our fears hang out. Rejection shines a light on all the dark that lives in those fault lines. It hurts. It’s painful and it can be scary. The hurt you feel now is exactly what he is trying to avoid by drinking and socializing. There is nothing easy about facing your own fault lines…which is why most people do not take that path.Here is a technique that my coach invented – it’s very powerful and can be used several times a day to help shift the hurt and negative thoughts / beliefs.
Put your right hand over your heart and rub in a clockwise direction while saying these sentences 3x in a row, for each negative emotion / thought you have. You want to rate the intensity of the thought and feeling from 0-10 before you start and then after you finish your sentences 3x. So let’s use the thought, “I’m not worth fighting for” and let’s say you rate that at a 9.
1. It’s okay to be okay to be okay to be me, be more than not being worth fighting for
2. Have life after not being worth fighting for
3. Be safe, be happy, be at peace
So after saying that 3x, let’s say the intensity of that thought goes down to a 7. Then think about another thought that is similar. Maybe it’s “He chooses alcohol over me.” So now do the 3 sentences again and just fill in the blank. Keep doing this process and watch the intensity of your feelings go down, as you strengthen your connection to the truth and release your low self-esteem.Give this a shot! I have been able to shift my feelings about some crazy intense hurt, in just 1 day. The only reason we all suffer is because of the story we choose to connect to. change the story, change your feelings. That’s why this technique is so powerful. It helps to reprogram and get you connected to the truth.
Hope this helps!!!
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
Welcome! Would you mind sharing more details? What happened? How did you apologize? How is he treating you right now? You say he is still upset, so I’m curious how he is displaying that.
The most important thing to pay attention to, is him. Despite how great you guys got along, he is showing you a VERY IMPORTANT side to himself. Whenever choosing who to let into your life on a deeper level, it’s important to know how they handle stress and hurt. Are they kind? Forgiving? Respectful? Communicative? Honest? SO far, he is showing you he does not easily forgive. Imagine having to deal with that for 20 or 30 years. Imagine having to deal with a guy who holds onto the past and doesn’t really let go of things. By the time he is an old man, he will be a miserable human being, if he continues down that road.
So…before getting wrapped up into trying to get his attention again, slow down and really pay attention to his process and make sure it’s something you can accept and want to put energy into. Just something to think about.
Looking forward to hearing more details.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
This feels like a movie, right? Never did any of us imagine we would be where we are right now. I feel your struggles. Here in the U.S. we are so far behind and are pretty much just starting to go on lockdown this week. I’m glad you have a job where you are able to work remotely!
It is going to be hard not to see each other. I think social distancing is the hardest part. During times of struggle, we all need comfort, support, encouragement and physical touch is a huge part of that. Hugs, kisses, intimacy with our partners can help bond everyone while facing these challenges.
We are more than happy to “socialize” with you here. Anything you want to talk about, I’m game! I have no doubt though, you will be conversing with your friends and family a lot over video conferencing etc. We all just have to remember that this is temporary and for the common good. There are many things we get to learn about ourselves during this forced quiet time. We would love to hear what you learn about yourself!!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
First of all, I really want to commend you on using this forum as a way to really just let everything out. As you experienced, you started to see things a bit more clearly. This is why it is so important to journal, write, talk out loud and get all of that stuff that is inside your head, out. It creates movement of the energy of those thoughts, which can help bring clarity. Well done! You are doing a great job navigating all of this, as it is REALLY difficult what you are going through.
I think what is most important is for you to honor what you need right now and honor where he is at. That is the most powerful gift you could give to him and yourself. By continuing to participate in this design of a relationship with him where he is prioritizing friends and alcohol and not following through with what he says he is going to do, you are supporting him in being his lower self. By setting a boundary like you did, you were requiring him to be in his best self if he is going to be with you. That is a healthy and honorable thing to do!
It is obvious he has some things to work through. My guess is, whatever demons he is facing inside, they have been there a loooong time. I do not think it is as simple as “he wasn’t single long enough post divorce.” That’s probably a small percentage of the baggage he is carrying inside. My guess is, he is carrying some heavy guilt, shame, resentment and/or anger that could easily lead back to his childhood.
Studies have shown that there is something in the brain that shifts for women in their 30s and men in their 40s, where the “structures” we created to store emotions start to breakdown. This is one of the theories associated with the mid-life crises thing that happens for men. What they have been carrying around for decades, all of a sudden starts to leak out and they cannot manage the negativity very well. So they do whatever they know how, to try to make themselves feel better.
Regardless of what is happening for him, what’s important for you to see, is that he is choosing alcohol to help himself feel better. Even though he feels awful about it, when he is sober, he is not stopping…which means he is turning into an alcoholic. This is important for you to know about him. How a person handles stress is very important to pay attention to, as it will be what you deal with in a relationship with them long term, unless they get help and do healing work around their wounds.
You are smart to just step away and let him deal with this on his own. He already feels bad about his choices. Add you in the mix of things and he feels even worse, which just makes him want to drink even more. So by removing yourself from the situation, you are actually lessening his guilt, which may give him a better shot at fixing whatever he is dealing with, much sooner.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh I am so sorry about your grandfather!!! Stay connected here and keep talking with us, even if it’s about your grandfather. It’s a scary time right now and we are a good support.
I’m glad you are willing to just take a step back for 30 days and let things simmer down. At the end of the month, you can decide and he can decide if talking is an option. For now, spend the next month focusing on your grandfather and taking care of yourself as well. Your heart is going to hurt and it’s important you do things that nourish you. Watch nice movies, read good books, go on walks, listen to motivating podcasts, color in an adult coloring book, do some journaling. Now is a good time to really allow all your feelings to come up and to deal with them.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
What a yucky argument. I am so sorry! The first thing I am noticing is that he has a need to be right, more than anything. That is what is most important to him. Him constantly calling you a “princess” is about a jr. high level of functioning. He has a lot of anger stored up and you are the perfect target for him, because you keep participating in his anger. Every time you try to resolve this or defend yourself, it’s the perfect opportunity for him to slime you with his anger and blame you for how you are feeling. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of trying to find a new job, in a very difficult time. Reality is, he is not interested in sitting down with you and talking things through. At this point, he is only interested in blaming you and pushing you away. As long as you keep participating in this design, you are supporting him in being his lower self and supporting him hurting you.
Are you willing to take a step back and stop trying to resolve how he feels about you right now? Maybe start with committing to 3 weeks of no contact. Take a breather, allow yourself to have a break from his rejecting and hurtful words and then re-think your next steps in 3 weeks.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I am faring okay. I live in Colorado. It’s a concerning time for everyone right now.
So let’s help you get more clear. You are sending quite a few mixed messages to him, which is why he doesn’t need to leave her. You end up connecting and talking for over an hour and then he reads the letter. Do you see why he is not really taking you seriously? How many times have you said you “cannot do this anymore” or “he needs to choose” but in the end, you are still exactly where you started 444 days ago. He is choosing her and he is choosing you too. He gets to have both of you connecting with him in different ways, so why should he make any decisions when there is no real threat?
The letter you wrote to him is not very clear. You expressed a ton of how you felt and the ending was very soft. It was not a hard line or truly setting a very clear boundary. It’s clear you are not ready to truly let go and that’s okay! This is crazy hard what you are going through and it takes time.
Let’s look at the reality of where you are at right now. You are willing to be in relationship and connect with him even though he is with this other woman. I have no doubt that he will do his very best to help manage BOTH of your needs through this virus. I doubt he will drop you and stay with her. He will undoubtedly call and check on you many times throughout the process and do what he can to help you.
So the truth is – you are not in quite enough pain to make some hard lines with him. The pain of losing him entirely is more than the pain of staying connected with him in this design. Being this is where you are at, you need to embrace that truth, for right now (as it can change day to day) and figure out ways to deal with it. You are trying to sit in the middle and wait for him to choose you. What can you do to choose yourself? What can you do to deal with the hurt and rejection you are feeling everyday? We have given you a ton of ideas throughout this thread. Are you using any of the techniques?
Lastly, it is not true that you have to suffer through this virus thing with the memory of him choosing her over you, should that happen. I have survived some of the worst, most horrific traumas a person can go through and I found forgiveness. When I look back at those memories, I am entirely indifferent. I fought to forgive those people and myself and kept working until I was able to look back and feel only peace and gratitude and that is where I stay. It’s possible to forgive and release negative emotions about anything. Suffering is not inevetible and forever. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Lau,
I am so sorry for everything you are going through with him. Your anniversary has passed, yes? What did you decide to do about the present you got for him?
I agree with Kanya. I think it is best to just give him space. Beyond letting him cool down and not feeling like you are over clingy, I think it’s going to be REALLY good for you to find out you are okay with him. You say “what if he leaves me. What am I going to do without him?” The thing is Lau, he has already left you. He is more connected to his anger than his connection to you. His anger is more important to him than you. He has left you for his anger. Maybe during this time where you give him a lot of space and do not contact him, you can really consider what that means. Imagine still dealing with this after 5 years, 10 years etc. Every time he gets upset with something you do, he is going to disconnect and be passive-aggressive with you and push you out. That’s exhausting for you! You are far from perfect, so all he is doing by reacting this way is saying to you, “You have to be perfect and never hurt me, or you are going to pay the price for it.” That is what he is telling you through how he is treating you right now. Someone who doesn’t have the ability to forgive in life, is REALLY REALLY hard to be in relationship with. They hold onto the past, they have really big reactions about present situations and they typically turn something that could be resolved in a few conversations into weeks of passive aggressive behavior toward their partner. Is this something you are willing to deal with? You are just being human. You are going to mess up and that’s okay! His level of reaction is not about what you did, but about all the other things that have happened in his life that have caused hurt. He holds onto the past, so when something in the present hurts him, it activates years and years of baggage he has been holding onto…but you end up being the target. I know this pattern VERY well, as I used to be like that in my own way and I caused a lot of hurt with my passive aggressive behavior and my anger. The thing is, it only gets worse as time goes on. It took me a long time before I finally decided to get help and release the anger I was carrying. I can’t imagine you want to stay in a relaitonship where you are walking on pins and needles and trying to always say and do the “right” thing so you don’t trigger him. That’s not fun! You don’t get to be yourself! You end up living life for HIM and trying to keep the peace vs. just being free to be and act however you need to…messiness and all. That’s what a healthy relationship supports. Just something to think about.
Are you willing to start with 2 weeks of no contacting him?
Heidi
Oh wow!!! This guy is incredible!!!
Hey there,
I’m glad you feel in alignment with sticking to the plan. The videos you send don’t always have to be funny. They can be educational as well. Tedx talks have a good variety of topics. As far as funny videos, everyone is different, but most people tend to laugh at animals or children doing the funniest things. I find a ton of those on youtube. Also look for videos that are inspiring or just interesting.
Here are a few different kinds:
https://www.facebook.com/chrissy.gilbeau/posts/10213113501743191You are askings some great questions.
It’s okay that you don’t know how to say it. It’s okay to be messy. As long as you stay connected to YOUR truth and what YOU need, you can get your point across.
If you do not want to get back together, then you simply say something like “This isn’t working for me. Your choices and lack of action to fight for me, no matter your reasons, make me feel like I am not cherished or valuable enough to do everything it takes to keep me in your life. And that’s okay. I have to face that, deal with the rejection and connect to the truth that I am loveable and worth fighting for, even if you don’t think so. It’s time for me to cut ties completely. If you do decide you want to fight for me at some point, I will require that you do therapy on your own and we can go to therapy together. There are a lot of messed up things that have happened over the past 6 months and I am not willing to step into the same mess that created all of this. For now, I am done and am going to start to heal and create closure and start building my life without you. I will be contacting a lawyer for a divorce and we can begin the process of separating everything.”
I know that’s not “simple” as it’s hard to say, but it’s clear about what you want and what you need to have happen.
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
You are like the majority of women out there. When the guy becomes distant or changes pattern, it gets really uncomfortable. We process and feel things VERY differently than men and when our man disconnects…it’s just plain hard.
Now of course, your history is going to magnify your feelings about him disconnecting, so he is giving you WONDERFUL experiences for you to work on changing your story and even doing deeper healing work, if you are willing.
Maybe next time, when things are going well, you can request for him to handle things a little differently. You could say something like, “Hey…I would like to make a request. Whenever things in your life get stressful, you tend to just become distant without saying anything. It’s a big trigger for me, considering my past. I do have been left so many times. I know that is my issue and I will work on that. But would you mind helping me out? When you feel yourself wanting to become distant, can you just give me a heads up? It will help sooooo much to just hear it from you instead of sensing it and then having to ask you about it. Maybe you could just text me a code phrase like “cave time” and I will immediately know you need some space, you will be slow to respond and you will reconnect soon. Is that something you are willing to do to help me?”
Obviously say it in your own words, but you get the concept. How he is handling his stress is blocking you out and that doesn’t feel good period. So he can help make it easier by just saying something vs. leaving you in limbo. It’s important that you express your needs. He is not a mind reader and he needs to know how his actions are affecting you. It’s important for you exist WITH him vs. just staying silent.
Have you ever read “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus?” That book my help you find some patience and understanding.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Just checking in. How are things going for you? How are you feeling about your guy? Would love an update.
Heidi
