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Hi Lau,
I am so sorry for everything you are going through with him. Your anniversary has passed, yes? What did you decide to do about the present you got for him?
I agree with Kanya. I think it is best to just give him space. Beyond letting him cool down and not feeling like you are over clingy, I think it’s going to be REALLY good for you to find out you are okay with him. You say “what if he leaves me. What am I going to do without him?” The thing is Lau, he has already left you. He is more connected to his anger than his connection to you. His anger is more important to him than you. He has left you for his anger. Maybe during this time where you give him a lot of space and do not contact him, you can really consider what that means. Imagine still dealing with this after 5 years, 10 years etc. Every time he gets upset with something you do, he is going to disconnect and be passive-aggressive with you and push you out. That’s exhausting for you! You are far from perfect, so all he is doing by reacting this way is saying to you, “You have to be perfect and never hurt me, or you are going to pay the price for it.” That is what he is telling you through how he is treating you right now. Someone who doesn’t have the ability to forgive in life, is REALLY REALLY hard to be in relationship with. They hold onto the past, they have really big reactions about present situations and they typically turn something that could be resolved in a few conversations into weeks of passive aggressive behavior toward their partner. Is this something you are willing to deal with? You are just being human. You are going to mess up and that’s okay! His level of reaction is not about what you did, but about all the other things that have happened in his life that have caused hurt. He holds onto the past, so when something in the present hurts him, it activates years and years of baggage he has been holding onto…but you end up being the target. I know this pattern VERY well, as I used to be like that in my own way and I caused a lot of hurt with my passive aggressive behavior and my anger. The thing is, it only gets worse as time goes on. It took me a long time before I finally decided to get help and release the anger I was carrying. I can’t imagine you want to stay in a relaitonship where you are walking on pins and needles and trying to always say and do the “right” thing so you don’t trigger him. That’s not fun! You don’t get to be yourself! You end up living life for HIM and trying to keep the peace vs. just being free to be and act however you need to…messiness and all. That’s what a healthy relationship supports. Just something to think about.
Are you willing to start with 2 weeks of no contacting him?
Heidi
Oh wow!!! This guy is incredible!!!
Hey there,
I’m glad you feel in alignment with sticking to the plan. The videos you send don’t always have to be funny. They can be educational as well. Tedx talks have a good variety of topics. As far as funny videos, everyone is different, but most people tend to laugh at animals or children doing the funniest things. I find a ton of those on youtube. Also look for videos that are inspiring or just interesting.
Here are a few different kinds:
https://www.facebook.com/chrissy.gilbeau/posts/10213113501743191You are askings some great questions.
It’s okay that you don’t know how to say it. It’s okay to be messy. As long as you stay connected to YOUR truth and what YOU need, you can get your point across.
If you do not want to get back together, then you simply say something like “This isn’t working for me. Your choices and lack of action to fight for me, no matter your reasons, make me feel like I am not cherished or valuable enough to do everything it takes to keep me in your life. And that’s okay. I have to face that, deal with the rejection and connect to the truth that I am loveable and worth fighting for, even if you don’t think so. It’s time for me to cut ties completely. If you do decide you want to fight for me at some point, I will require that you do therapy on your own and we can go to therapy together. There are a lot of messed up things that have happened over the past 6 months and I am not willing to step into the same mess that created all of this. For now, I am done and am going to start to heal and create closure and start building my life without you. I will be contacting a lawyer for a divorce and we can begin the process of separating everything.”
I know that’s not “simple” as it’s hard to say, but it’s clear about what you want and what you need to have happen.
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
You are like the majority of women out there. When the guy becomes distant or changes pattern, it gets really uncomfortable. We process and feel things VERY differently than men and when our man disconnects…it’s just plain hard.
Now of course, your history is going to magnify your feelings about him disconnecting, so he is giving you WONDERFUL experiences for you to work on changing your story and even doing deeper healing work, if you are willing.
Maybe next time, when things are going well, you can request for him to handle things a little differently. You could say something like, “Hey…I would like to make a request. Whenever things in your life get stressful, you tend to just become distant without saying anything. It’s a big trigger for me, considering my past. I do have been left so many times. I know that is my issue and I will work on that. But would you mind helping me out? When you feel yourself wanting to become distant, can you just give me a heads up? It will help sooooo much to just hear it from you instead of sensing it and then having to ask you about it. Maybe you could just text me a code phrase like “cave time” and I will immediately know you need some space, you will be slow to respond and you will reconnect soon. Is that something you are willing to do to help me?”
Obviously say it in your own words, but you get the concept. How he is handling his stress is blocking you out and that doesn’t feel good period. So he can help make it easier by just saying something vs. leaving you in limbo. It’s important that you express your needs. He is not a mind reader and he needs to know how his actions are affecting you. It’s important for you exist WITH him vs. just staying silent.
Have you ever read “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus?” That book my help you find some patience and understanding.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Just checking in. How are things going for you? How are you feeling about your guy? Would love an update.
Heidi
Hey there!
Just wanted to check in. How is everything going? I imagine the stress of the virus is causing a lot more stress in his life and yours. How are you guys handling all of it?
Heidi
Hi Laila,
Just checking in. How are things going? Have you decided to let things go officially? We’d love an update.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I am so so sorry! Everything is a mess right now, isn’t it? You will be able to go on your vacation at some point. It’s disappointing, but something that can circle back around for you.
Your husband however, is a different story. I understand why you pressured him and I understand why you feel like it’s all falling apart. I’m going to remind you that you DO have the power in your hands, but you don’t want to take it because of what it means. YOu want HIM to decide, instead of you deciding.
I know you want your husband back, but like I have been saying all along, then what? The problems and issues that were there inside of him and in your marriage that caused him to leave in the first place, are still there. Him leaving her and coming back to you, is not going to make your pain go away. It’s not going to make his pain go away. There will be a whole new set of problems you both will be carrying around, on top of the ones that already existed. Your desperateness to get your husband back may relieve the loss you feel right now, but it won’t relieve the mess that is there.
“Something is wrong. He says things are a mess over there but he is not leaving.” Things are a mess in every single direction he looks Cynthia. They are a mess with you and they are a mess with her. Why? Because HE is a mess! Look at how he is handling everything. Look at his choices. Look at his actions. He is so confused and so messed up inside and BOTH you ladies are participating and supporting him in being his lower self. That is not love. That is you not wanting to be alone and face what you feel and the same exact thing is true for the other woman as well. You would rather stay connected to a man whose “love” is damaging, self-fulfilling and full of woundedness than to love yourself. He has the power because you are giving it to him. You are wanting him to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself….and that is to choose you, fight for you, connect with you, love you.
Love is not love, when you take yourself out of the equation. It’s not love when you are choosing him over yourself. Love is healthy and real when you love BOTH yourself and him. It’s love when BOTH people value themselves as much, if not more, than each other. It’s love when BOTH people treat each other with respect, honor and in high regard…because that is how they treat themselves. The moment you take yourself out of the equation and de-value your heart, your feelings, your needs in order to get him back…you have lost.
So…your real journey, if you want to take it, is to connect back to yourself and love yourself FIRST, before requiring that from him. You cannot expect nor ask something from someone else what you are not willing to even give yourself. The truth is, you are valuable, you are worth fighting for, you are worth loving…whether or not he chooses you. You are putting all of your value in his hands. If you are his second choice, that is HIS experience. That does not mean it’s the truth. And that’s the hard part of the journey. Trying to feel valuable in the face of huge rejection is so darn painful and difficult. BUT…if you take that journey and work through the pain, instead of trying to relieve it by getting back together…then you will receive the REAL gifts that are there for you.
I know this guidance is probably not what you want to hear. I know it doesn’t relieve the pain, but maybe it can bring you some clarity and a perspective that can help you decide which way to go. Either choice…whether it means you wait around for him or whether it means you decide to leave…it’s going to be painful for a while and I am so sorry for that. There is no easy choice here, but it is one for YOUR to make…not him. You either choose to wait or you don’t.
When having to make this kind of choice, the best way to do it, is to NOT choose the path that is going to relieve the pain as fast as possible, but to choose the path that is going to support YOUR best self. That’s why this is not really his choice. This is YOUR choice to make. This is about how you are either willing to support and love yourself through his choice to not be with you…or not…and wait around to see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
We are so glad you are here and were open to our ideas and guidance. There are MANY times that we advise slowing things down and reconsidering and our guidance is not heeded, as they just want their guy back, no matter the cost. So serious kudos to you, for having enough strength to do what you have done, despite the pain and hurt and confusion! You are very courageous!
Us ladies DO like to create romantic, imaginary scenarios with someone we are connected with. They are quite powerful too! I even do that, despite what I know. I think it’s just a normal and natural part of who we are as women and it’s okay! As long as those fantasies do not lead us, it’s okay! We need our adult, grounded and intuitive parts of ourselves to guide us. So whenever I find myself fantasizing, I will have fun with it, but then always remind myself of the truth and reality and I bring myself back to earth 🙂
As far as forgiving him, I want to encourage you to do it anyways. Forgiving is not conditional. True forgiveness does not have conditions on it. How would anyone decide who is worthy of forgiving then? I define forgiveness as letting go of the negative energy. Forgiveness, in all reality, is really more about you than it is about him. Think about it…who is REALLY paying the price for his decisions and behavior??? I would say you are, because you are the one holding onto the anger. That anger in your body, steals your energy, depresses your immune system and it occupies a lot of your thoughts. Forgiveness would free you of all of that. Besides, if you don’t forgive, you will be no different than him, in a way. He treated you the way he did, because he didn’t forgive whoever hurt him…and now he behaves in certain ways because of the hurt he carries. You don’t want to be like him, carrying around baggage from your past, affecting the present. Any anger or hurt you choose to hold onto, will only be a wall between you and the next guy. That wall will affect every aspect of your life. So for YOUR sake, work on releasing the negative feelings you have about him. I know it will take time, but if you are committed to the end result of forgiving, you will get there much faster!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
I understand your worry. This virus thing has shaken up everyone. It definitely makes us more aware of our surroundings and magnifies the care and love for those around us.
It’s important to stay very present, instead of playing the “what if” game. You can spend a TON of energy on playing “what it” about anything in life really. Where our true power is, is staying in the present moment and what is true RIGHT NOW…and right now you are okay and healthy and so is he. If something happens and you or him catches it, you will deal with that moment at that time, but for now, stay present and grounded and connected in the truth and not the “what if” story that only causes panic. You DO NOT want to make decisions from a place of fear.
For right now, stick to the plan. You committed to giving him space and if you break that boundary, it will just send him the message that you are not your word and break trust. Prove to him that he can trust what you say.
Besides, trying to get together sooner than planned isn’t going to change the fact that he is not ready to be in a relationship. You are looking for him to comfort you and connect with you amidst this challenge we are all facing. My guess is, he has plenty on his plate to deal with and wouldn’t have much to offer you anyways. Your role is to be his support right now, not the other way around. His life and beliefs were just shattered and he needs time to pick the pieces up and put them back together. Are you willing to let him do that?
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m not sure I understand correctly. Why does anything have to change for you? Why do you need to call him and talk to him on the phone vs. just sending him funny videos or encouragement every Monday? Did you send something this week?
How are you feeling about this plan? Are you able to better accept the new design of relationship with him or are you struggling?
Heidi
