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Holy smokes! He is going through a lot!!! No wonder why he got more silent. Everything they are doing is threatening his ability to finish his house and keep him safe and healthy. He doesn’t feel protected by the people running his organization. That sucks!!!! Especially after everything he has invested. That’s awful! It’s not right. I’m kind mad for him. Right now, we all need to stick together and help each other through this. The people running our companies and organizations need to be leaders in this and they are not doing a very good job. I sure hope things turn around for him. I hope he doesn’t get sick and doesn’t spread anything to his parents. I imagine he has to consider quarantining now that he has some small symptoms.
Hopefully your aunt and dad are all good. I imagine she hasn’t gotten tested because she isn’t in critical condition. So you guys just have to wait and see if she gets worse?
I’m glad you guys were able to reconnect and had a good conversation. I’m sure that put your heart and mind at ease. I know it did mine! lol. I’m rooting for you guys!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Tell us more about feeling like a robot. What do you mean you don’t feel like you exist? Do you feel that how you are feeling is part of a protective / survival mode response you are having?
Tell us more about the guy you have some interest in from your bible study group. Does he show up each time? Have you ever met in person?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
It’s confusing isn’t it? He may be at such high levels of stress that he is constantly distracted by his thoughts. Men, in general, tend to shut down and communicate a lot less when a certain level of stress shows up. They tend to go into their “cave” to process things. I’m wondering if this is what is happening for your guy.
After giving him a little space, I am wondering how you feel about just talking to him about it. This is a really unusual time and I think communication is so important right now. You could say something like “Hey…I just want to check in real quick. It feels like I am the one always initiating our connection right now. It’s not like you, to not contact me first sometimes and it feels like you have become a bit more distant from me. So I just wanted to understand you and make sure I am supporting you the way you need. Would you mind talking to me about this?”
How does saying something like that feel for you? I’m not sure it’s the best idea for you to just wait until he contacts you. I think giving him space for a few days is okay, but longer than that, you are going to have some hurt feelings and you are going to start to feel yourself naturally pull away from him. Where you guys are at in your relationship, I think it’s appropriate to just ask him and keep the communication flowing.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ayeisha,
I get why it’s so confusing. I just have a few more questions. When he mentioned that he is going through something right now, was he willing to talk about it? You also said he seems evasive about you meeting his family. So what I’m wondering is about, is his ability to be a good communicator. I’m wondering if he hides his real feelings and emotions a lot. Do you get that sense at all? Does he tend to control the conversation by always keeping the topics about you? Does he give short answers? Does he like talking about himself and his life or does he tend to change the subject?
You ask if you should give him space or let go permanently. It’s really up to you. What you do know is that how things are functioning right now, doesn’t work for you. It sounds like you mentioned that to him and he apologized for it hurting you, but it doesn’t sound like any of his behaviors have changed. Would you say that is accurate? If nothing changes and he still is not being very responsive and initiating with you, then it’s important for you to accept the space he is in and that he is limited in what he can offer to you right now. I know you have strong feelings for him and that’s what makes this so difficult. Either way you choose, it hurts. If you let go of him completely, it hurts to let go of the idea of you guys together and the feelings – but at least there is an ending to it and you can heal. If you decide to keep trying, it hurts to be rejected every day. There is no ending to that. So you need to decide which hurt you are willing to face. I’m sorry these are difficult options for you and he is being flaky. What can you do for now, to take care of yourself and show yourself a lot of love and compassion?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
So much is happening and everyone’s world is turning upside down right now. Did you end up going back online? Even if you can’t meet in person, it might be fun just to have some chats with different people.
How are you emotionally handling everything that is happening? I have no doubt the levels of depression and anxiety are through the roof. I’m sure medications are going to get a huge surge during this period of time.
Heidi
Hi Lau,
Kanya and I have both told you, if you REALLY want to get his attention, you need to pull back and make him work a lot harder for you.
It’s NOT working hard for you if he asks you to come to his office for sex. That is him using you for his own needs. That is NOT him truly caring about you.So it’s up to you what you do. How do you want him to treat you? Do you want his respect? Or are you okay just being asked to have sex and then having him disconnect again? I know you miss him, so I get this might be a hard decision for you. We cannot answer this for you. You get to decide how you want to interact with him and each time, you will learn more about how it makes you feel to either connect and go have sex or not connect and make him work harder for you.
Either way, there are challenges you will have to face. Some challenges will be harder than others, but I trust you will get through it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Now might be a good time to give Marco Polo a shot with your guy.
Why do you think it is that people there are not respecting the guidelines very well? Are you surprised by this or would you say it’s part of the culture there?
I think a weekend away is a great idea!!! The travel industry is going to need a ton of help to recover, so the more people get out and about again, the faster the global economy will recover.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
We are all little 4 year olds aren’t we???
I completely understand what you are asking for. I want to put the power back into your hands though. YOU, the adult, needs to be the leader of your 4 old. YOU, the adult, needs to be VERY clear about what you want and how to protect that 4 year old that just wants to be loved. YOU, the adult needs to choose a man that will also love and protect and nourish that little 4 year old inside of you.
We are not saying there is “no hope” for anything. What we are both saying is that if you choose to fight for him and keep waiting for him, you are in for a tough road. With the amount of low self-esteem he carries, you will end up carrying that as well. YOU, the adult wants to go rescue him, but you have a little 4 year old that is REALLY hurting because of his choices. So YOU have to make the choice if you want to choose to fight and wait for him or listen to your little girl, connect to her and let her feelings matter. Does this make sense?
What you have to ask yourself is this…what is in you, that you chose to be with a man who has such low self esteem? Your focus has been about wanting to rescue him and wanting to show him your powerful “love” and how that can help him heal and stop the suffering and guilt he carries. That sounds like a little girl who so desperately wants to be loved herself and so she is wanting to “love” him soooooo much, in hopes that he will return that love and she will feel happy and complete. The thing is, it’s not really love when you take yourself out of the equation…it’s woundedness. When you “love” him at the expense of loving and caring for yourself as well, that “love” is full of all kinds of holes that you are trying to fill by using him to make you feel better. So what hole are you trying to fill with him? What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself?
Another thing to look at is what are your patterns? What kind of guys have you been attracted to in your life? There usually is a common thread between all of them. One of my patterns has been to find a guy who is less emotionally intelligent than I am. This way, I get to be the teacher and show him all kinds of things about himself and life and then he believes I am “amazing.” I’ve heard that soooo many times! lol. I do that because I have a belief that says “What do I have to offer in a relationship if I am not able to teach him anything?” So I get to feel like a hero everytime I help him work through something and help him become more aware in his life. It’s how I get my self esteem “fix.” So…being that I am aware of this pattern, I see where my holes are and I am able to work on that while I am alone and single which then, in turn, helps me shift my intention about the kind of relationship I truly want – which is where we are BOTH teachers to each other and where I am loved just because…not because of what I “do.” This is called our “winning formula.” It’s the ‘formula” we use with people to create connection and self value in the world. Does this make sense?
I’ve said a lot here and asked quite a few questions, so I’ll stop here. Looking forward to your response!!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow…so there is a fine in place now? I know, if certain businesses are not shut down, there is a fine and 1 year of jail time. I was driving by a park the other day and TONS of people were out and about. People stayed in their small groups and were far away from other groups. It was mostly young kids…more like jr. high and high school aged. Here…the youngsters don’t really get the seriousness of it. They don’t feel threatened and they are out of school, so they are all just doing what they want now. It’s spring break vacation this week and I saw videos of kids PACKED together on the beaches. YIKES!!!! They are not so connected to the older population.
I am totally with you!!! I have all of this time now and I am STRUGGLING to stay focused and get things done! It’s so interesting. Being that tv is helpful to distract my spinning brain, I am going through all kinds of videos that are educational. I’m learning a lot right now actually, so that makes me feel productive, although I’m doing nothing to help my business. lol. Hopefully this will all shift sooner than later.
You guys should plan your first date when you get to see each other again. Make it something fun and crazy! It will give you guys something to look forward to and something fun to talk about!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
You said you were feeling what I wrote as well. Tell us more about that. What kinds of thoughts are you having? Where are you sitting with all of this for today?
How is he responding to the virus thing? Are you finding he is still being quite connective with you still? What are you doing to deal with the emotions you are carrying about all of this?
Heidi
You can send a short and simple response to the food video. Don’t send anything suggesting getting together though. You can say something like, “thanks for sending that. It look delicious! I might cook that for dinner tomorrow.”
If you end up crossing paths at work, always be friendly and say hi. You can always just simply ask, “how are you doing today?” But PAY ATTENTION to the signals he is sending you. He may not feel like a chit chat. So if he is answering with short answers, then it’s time to keep walking. If he asks you questions back and keeps the conversation going, then hang out a bit.
It also is good for you to not be available for a chit chat. If you see him, just offer a friendly hello and keep walking.
Does this make sense?
Hi Carol,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
I want you to think deeper about why you have this temper. We all have piles of stuff to do, we all get impatient with our parents, most of us are afraid about our unstable incomes and jobs, none of us are allowed to go to gyms anymore…but not everyone responds by having a temper and lashing out at others. Everything you listed about why you have your temper are just triggers, not the cause or source of your temper. I imagine your temper was there when you were younger, yes? If not, do you remember when your temper first started? You acknowledged that you have resentment towards your parents. Have you always carried this resentment towards them?
A temper is just built up, unresolved feelings that haven’t been dealt with…all those feelings being held inside, turn to anger and resentment, which result in a temper. In a temper, there is so much intense emotion, it is near impossible to control it, once it reaches a certain point. This is why it is soooooo important for you to really work on finding the source of your temper and start to connect with all those feelings you are carrying inside. A temper destroys relationships. You can only say “sorry” so many times before the other person walks away (hopefully). A temper causes harm to person on the receiving end. A temper causes you to say or do things that add to their low self-esteem. I have no doubt that you care about the people around you and do not want to cause them any harm. So this is a great time to do some research and connect to feelings you are carrying around.
If you go onto youtube, there are a gazillion tips and tricks about how to manage your temper and connect to what is deep inside that causes it. Let us know what resonates for you! Let’s keep exploring this!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Relationship are ALWAYS evolving and changing. What is so important, is that you keep focus on how the relationship exists TODAY and not what it used to be.
You ask, should you take a break? I ask you…considering how the relationship exists and functions TODAY, do you want to be with him? Yes, Kanya is right in that there are many things to focus on to improve the relationship. Instead of trying to “help” him become the person that makes you happy, accept him for who he is and instead look at yourself. How are you improving your temper? I understand you are controlling it, by being more gentle and not lashing out, but that doesn’t actually mean your temper is gone. It’s still there and it will come out again, if you have a strong enough trigger. Do you know why you have a temper? This is how you can improve the relationship first and foremost. If you work on yourself, on a deeper level, it can help the dynamics between you and him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lau,
I’m glad to hear he responded. I would recommend not to text him just yet. Keep some distance. If you keep texting him, it teaches him that he doesn’t have to work for the relationship at all, because you do all the work. So step back and give him some time to reach out to you again. He needs to feel this. Men like to work for their woman. Keep remembering that when you pulled away a little bit, he ended up sending you a video. So it worked! Keep doing what works, for right now. Keep responding, but only when he sends you something first.
Can you do this?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
The good thing is, your guy is healthy. Even if he were to get infected, I’m sure his body would easily be able to fight against it. I know that doesn’t completely alleviate the fear though. BTW…you said “boyfriend.” Does that mean it’s official?? Did he specifically ask you, or it’s just something you both say now??
You are learning something about yourself already! You are learning you are starting to have some paranoid thoughts. You are learning that despite the lameness of isolation, you are choosing to stay safe and support what needs to be done. You are learning you have some fear about your boyfriend. You are learning you still take care of yourself, even under times of higher stress. Here, there are so many different levels of reactions. It’s interesting to see where I end up fitting into the mix compared to the average person. This whole thing will bring out our best and worst selves in many different ways. I just like watching. Something like this exposes the catachombs in our psyche….like being paranoid for example. It’s all just interesting.
How are people there not complying? Are people still going out and not respecting the social distancing? Where I live, most people are doing that. TONS of people are outside and hanging close together with their friends, but strangers are all staying far away from each other. Some are staying in their homes. We are not on total lockdown…yet.
Heidi
