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Hi Maria,
We are all little 4 year olds aren’t we???
I completely understand what you are asking for. I want to put the power back into your hands though. YOU, the adult, needs to be the leader of your 4 old. YOU, the adult, needs to be VERY clear about what you want and how to protect that 4 year old that just wants to be loved. YOU, the adult needs to choose a man that will also love and protect and nourish that little 4 year old inside of you.
We are not saying there is “no hope” for anything. What we are both saying is that if you choose to fight for him and keep waiting for him, you are in for a tough road. With the amount of low self-esteem he carries, you will end up carrying that as well. YOU, the adult wants to go rescue him, but you have a little 4 year old that is REALLY hurting because of his choices. So YOU have to make the choice if you want to choose to fight and wait for him or listen to your little girl, connect to her and let her feelings matter. Does this make sense?
What you have to ask yourself is this…what is in you, that you chose to be with a man who has such low self esteem? Your focus has been about wanting to rescue him and wanting to show him your powerful “love” and how that can help him heal and stop the suffering and guilt he carries. That sounds like a little girl who so desperately wants to be loved herself and so she is wanting to “love” him soooooo much, in hopes that he will return that love and she will feel happy and complete. The thing is, it’s not really love when you take yourself out of the equation…it’s woundedness. When you “love” him at the expense of loving and caring for yourself as well, that “love” is full of all kinds of holes that you are trying to fill by using him to make you feel better. So what hole are you trying to fill with him? What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself?
Another thing to look at is what are your patterns? What kind of guys have you been attracted to in your life? There usually is a common thread between all of them. One of my patterns has been to find a guy who is less emotionally intelligent than I am. This way, I get to be the teacher and show him all kinds of things about himself and life and then he believes I am “amazing.” I’ve heard that soooo many times! lol. I do that because I have a belief that says “What do I have to offer in a relationship if I am not able to teach him anything?” So I get to feel like a hero everytime I help him work through something and help him become more aware in his life. It’s how I get my self esteem “fix.” So…being that I am aware of this pattern, I see where my holes are and I am able to work on that while I am alone and single which then, in turn, helps me shift my intention about the kind of relationship I truly want – which is where we are BOTH teachers to each other and where I am loved just because…not because of what I “do.” This is called our “winning formula.” It’s the ‘formula” we use with people to create connection and self value in the world. Does this make sense?
I’ve said a lot here and asked quite a few questions, so I’ll stop here. Looking forward to your response!!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow…so there is a fine in place now? I know, if certain businesses are not shut down, there is a fine and 1 year of jail time. I was driving by a park the other day and TONS of people were out and about. People stayed in their small groups and were far away from other groups. It was mostly young kids…more like jr. high and high school aged. Here…the youngsters don’t really get the seriousness of it. They don’t feel threatened and they are out of school, so they are all just doing what they want now. It’s spring break vacation this week and I saw videos of kids PACKED together on the beaches. YIKES!!!! They are not so connected to the older population.
I am totally with you!!! I have all of this time now and I am STRUGGLING to stay focused and get things done! It’s so interesting. Being that tv is helpful to distract my spinning brain, I am going through all kinds of videos that are educational. I’m learning a lot right now actually, so that makes me feel productive, although I’m doing nothing to help my business. lol. Hopefully this will all shift sooner than later.
You guys should plan your first date when you get to see each other again. Make it something fun and crazy! It will give you guys something to look forward to and something fun to talk about!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
You said you were feeling what I wrote as well. Tell us more about that. What kinds of thoughts are you having? Where are you sitting with all of this for today?
How is he responding to the virus thing? Are you finding he is still being quite connective with you still? What are you doing to deal with the emotions you are carrying about all of this?
Heidi
You can send a short and simple response to the food video. Don’t send anything suggesting getting together though. You can say something like, “thanks for sending that. It look delicious! I might cook that for dinner tomorrow.”
If you end up crossing paths at work, always be friendly and say hi. You can always just simply ask, “how are you doing today?” But PAY ATTENTION to the signals he is sending you. He may not feel like a chit chat. So if he is answering with short answers, then it’s time to keep walking. If he asks you questions back and keeps the conversation going, then hang out a bit.
It also is good for you to not be available for a chit chat. If you see him, just offer a friendly hello and keep walking.
Does this make sense?
Hi Carol,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
I want you to think deeper about why you have this temper. We all have piles of stuff to do, we all get impatient with our parents, most of us are afraid about our unstable incomes and jobs, none of us are allowed to go to gyms anymore…but not everyone responds by having a temper and lashing out at others. Everything you listed about why you have your temper are just triggers, not the cause or source of your temper. I imagine your temper was there when you were younger, yes? If not, do you remember when your temper first started? You acknowledged that you have resentment towards your parents. Have you always carried this resentment towards them?
A temper is just built up, unresolved feelings that haven’t been dealt with…all those feelings being held inside, turn to anger and resentment, which result in a temper. In a temper, there is so much intense emotion, it is near impossible to control it, once it reaches a certain point. This is why it is soooooo important for you to really work on finding the source of your temper and start to connect with all those feelings you are carrying inside. A temper destroys relationships. You can only say “sorry” so many times before the other person walks away (hopefully). A temper causes harm to person on the receiving end. A temper causes you to say or do things that add to their low self-esteem. I have no doubt that you care about the people around you and do not want to cause them any harm. So this is a great time to do some research and connect to feelings you are carrying around.
If you go onto youtube, there are a gazillion tips and tricks about how to manage your temper and connect to what is deep inside that causes it. Let us know what resonates for you! Let’s keep exploring this!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Relationship are ALWAYS evolving and changing. What is so important, is that you keep focus on how the relationship exists TODAY and not what it used to be.
You ask, should you take a break? I ask you…considering how the relationship exists and functions TODAY, do you want to be with him? Yes, Kanya is right in that there are many things to focus on to improve the relationship. Instead of trying to “help” him become the person that makes you happy, accept him for who he is and instead look at yourself. How are you improving your temper? I understand you are controlling it, by being more gentle and not lashing out, but that doesn’t actually mean your temper is gone. It’s still there and it will come out again, if you have a strong enough trigger. Do you know why you have a temper? This is how you can improve the relationship first and foremost. If you work on yourself, on a deeper level, it can help the dynamics between you and him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lau,
I’m glad to hear he responded. I would recommend not to text him just yet. Keep some distance. If you keep texting him, it teaches him that he doesn’t have to work for the relationship at all, because you do all the work. So step back and give him some time to reach out to you again. He needs to feel this. Men like to work for their woman. Keep remembering that when you pulled away a little bit, he ended up sending you a video. So it worked! Keep doing what works, for right now. Keep responding, but only when he sends you something first.
Can you do this?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
The good thing is, your guy is healthy. Even if he were to get infected, I’m sure his body would easily be able to fight against it. I know that doesn’t completely alleviate the fear though. BTW…you said “boyfriend.” Does that mean it’s official?? Did he specifically ask you, or it’s just something you both say now??
You are learning something about yourself already! You are learning you are starting to have some paranoid thoughts. You are learning that despite the lameness of isolation, you are choosing to stay safe and support what needs to be done. You are learning you have some fear about your boyfriend. You are learning you still take care of yourself, even under times of higher stress. Here, there are so many different levels of reactions. It’s interesting to see where I end up fitting into the mix compared to the average person. This whole thing will bring out our best and worst selves in many different ways. I just like watching. Something like this exposes the catachombs in our psyche….like being paranoid for example. It’s all just interesting.
How are people there not complying? Are people still going out and not respecting the social distancing? Where I live, most people are doing that. TONS of people are outside and hanging close together with their friends, but strangers are all staying far away from each other. Some are staying in their homes. We are not on total lockdown…yet.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you so much for being here and allowing us to support you! You are quite wonderful to work with. You have an incredibly high level of self-awareness, which makes our jobs much easier 🙂 That self-awareness however, can be really hard sometimes. I’ve had plenty of of moments in my life where I wished I could just claim ignorance, because sometimes it’s just easier. It takes great courage to embrace the truth despite how you feel. Hang in there!
Let’s talk about this: “The thing that hurts the most is that it makes me feel like I’m not worth it to him, he’s choosing drinking with friends over making the changes necessary to accept the love, support, and happiness that comes from a loving relationship with an amazing woman.” I know this doesn’t “make sense” logically. Maybe this will help. It’s called the “Upper Limit.” We all have one. It’s the limit we have that allows us to be happy. It’s a strange thing. You would think that us humans, always searching to feel happy, would actually have an unlimited ability to be happy, but it’s quite opposite. So imagine you have a giant trash can that represents your ability to be happy. Now imagine there is a lid that fits perfectly, just inside. That lid fits wherever the happy limit exists. Basically, each of our ability to be happy is directly linked to our low self-esteem. The more low self-esteem we have, the lower the limit. The more self-esteem we have, the higher the limit. With that being said, our psyche and subconscious knows when we are reaching our upper limit, but we don’t consciously, until we learn the signs. The signs that we are getting close or at our upper limit of happy, are that we sabotage in some sort of way. We sabotage because the low self-esteem will get activated, even more, when we get close to that upper limit, the sabotage behavior shows up, then BAM….we sink back down to the bottom some and pull ourselves away from the upper limit, so we don’t surpass that upper limit. That low self-esteem is so darn powerful!!! In order to pass that upper limit and push it higher and higher, we HAVE to deal with the low self-esteem, the woundedness, our limiting thoughts, since that is what is determining our upper limit. Once I learned of this in my 20s, I began watching myself and others and all of a sudden, I saw it EVERYWHERE!!! I was shocked to discover it in myself and how frequently I would sabotage my happy by eating a lot of sugar, or showing up late all the time. I remember being with a guy, who we fought like 3x a day about stupid stuff of course and we went about 2 weeks without fighting. One day I was walking over to his house and realized I felt SO uncomfortable with how smoothly things were going between us. I realized that I felt myself wanting to created an argument, just for the sake of arguing. WHAAATTT??? I just shook my head at this awareness and realized how much I was contributing to our situation. I was at my upper limit and my system wasn’t having it. Over the years, with myself as well as working with many people, have found that there is actually a lot of work to be comfortable just being happy. It’s quite common for people to ruin their happiness, but it’s invisible to most people. Now that you know, you will start to see it everywhere!
With all of that being said, it’s not that you are not worth it to him. It’s that he doesn’t feel he deserves you. He doesn’t know that he is loveable or worth fighting for. He has too much low self-esteem that he is strongly connected to, and that is what is running his life. and always will. Even if he found another woman and say, gets married, there is no way in a million years, they would be a peaceful and happy couple. It’s impossible with the amount of low self-esteem he carries. A woman who goes long term with him will just end up fighting with him and end up having a similar level of upper limit. They both will end up sabotaging the relationship in a million different ways.
Hopefully this makes sense to you and help you see him more clearly. Your low self-esteem is getting activated by this rejection, as it should be. Rejection exposes where our fault lines are – the cracks in our psyche. That’s where the lies live, where our limiting beliefs about ourselves live and where our fears hang out. Rejection shines a light on all the dark that lives in those fault lines. It hurts. It’s painful and it can be scary. The hurt you feel now is exactly what he is trying to avoid by drinking and socializing. There is nothing easy about facing your own fault lines…which is why most people do not take that path.Here is a technique that my coach invented – it’s very powerful and can be used several times a day to help shift the hurt and negative thoughts / beliefs.
Put your right hand over your heart and rub in a clockwise direction while saying these sentences 3x in a row, for each negative emotion / thought you have. You want to rate the intensity of the thought and feeling from 0-10 before you start and then after you finish your sentences 3x. So let’s use the thought, “I’m not worth fighting for” and let’s say you rate that at a 9.
1. It’s okay to be okay to be okay to be me, be more than not being worth fighting for
2. Have life after not being worth fighting for
3. Be safe, be happy, be at peace
So after saying that 3x, let’s say the intensity of that thought goes down to a 7. Then think about another thought that is similar. Maybe it’s “He chooses alcohol over me.” So now do the 3 sentences again and just fill in the blank. Keep doing this process and watch the intensity of your feelings go down, as you strengthen your connection to the truth and release your low self-esteem.Give this a shot! I have been able to shift my feelings about some crazy intense hurt, in just 1 day. The only reason we all suffer is because of the story we choose to connect to. change the story, change your feelings. That’s why this technique is so powerful. It helps to reprogram and get you connected to the truth.
Hope this helps!!!
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
Welcome! Would you mind sharing more details? What happened? How did you apologize? How is he treating you right now? You say he is still upset, so I’m curious how he is displaying that.
The most important thing to pay attention to, is him. Despite how great you guys got along, he is showing you a VERY IMPORTANT side to himself. Whenever choosing who to let into your life on a deeper level, it’s important to know how they handle stress and hurt. Are they kind? Forgiving? Respectful? Communicative? Honest? SO far, he is showing you he does not easily forgive. Imagine having to deal with that for 20 or 30 years. Imagine having to deal with a guy who holds onto the past and doesn’t really let go of things. By the time he is an old man, he will be a miserable human being, if he continues down that road.
So…before getting wrapped up into trying to get his attention again, slow down and really pay attention to his process and make sure it’s something you can accept and want to put energy into. Just something to think about.
Looking forward to hearing more details.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
This feels like a movie, right? Never did any of us imagine we would be where we are right now. I feel your struggles. Here in the U.S. we are so far behind and are pretty much just starting to go on lockdown this week. I’m glad you have a job where you are able to work remotely!
It is going to be hard not to see each other. I think social distancing is the hardest part. During times of struggle, we all need comfort, support, encouragement and physical touch is a huge part of that. Hugs, kisses, intimacy with our partners can help bond everyone while facing these challenges.
We are more than happy to “socialize” with you here. Anything you want to talk about, I’m game! I have no doubt though, you will be conversing with your friends and family a lot over video conferencing etc. We all just have to remember that this is temporary and for the common good. There are many things we get to learn about ourselves during this forced quiet time. We would love to hear what you learn about yourself!!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
First of all, I really want to commend you on using this forum as a way to really just let everything out. As you experienced, you started to see things a bit more clearly. This is why it is so important to journal, write, talk out loud and get all of that stuff that is inside your head, out. It creates movement of the energy of those thoughts, which can help bring clarity. Well done! You are doing a great job navigating all of this, as it is REALLY difficult what you are going through.
I think what is most important is for you to honor what you need right now and honor where he is at. That is the most powerful gift you could give to him and yourself. By continuing to participate in this design of a relationship with him where he is prioritizing friends and alcohol and not following through with what he says he is going to do, you are supporting him in being his lower self. By setting a boundary like you did, you were requiring him to be in his best self if he is going to be with you. That is a healthy and honorable thing to do!
It is obvious he has some things to work through. My guess is, whatever demons he is facing inside, they have been there a loooong time. I do not think it is as simple as “he wasn’t single long enough post divorce.” That’s probably a small percentage of the baggage he is carrying inside. My guess is, he is carrying some heavy guilt, shame, resentment and/or anger that could easily lead back to his childhood.
Studies have shown that there is something in the brain that shifts for women in their 30s and men in their 40s, where the “structures” we created to store emotions start to breakdown. This is one of the theories associated with the mid-life crises thing that happens for men. What they have been carrying around for decades, all of a sudden starts to leak out and they cannot manage the negativity very well. So they do whatever they know how, to try to make themselves feel better.
Regardless of what is happening for him, what’s important for you to see, is that he is choosing alcohol to help himself feel better. Even though he feels awful about it, when he is sober, he is not stopping…which means he is turning into an alcoholic. This is important for you to know about him. How a person handles stress is very important to pay attention to, as it will be what you deal with in a relationship with them long term, unless they get help and do healing work around their wounds.
You are smart to just step away and let him deal with this on his own. He already feels bad about his choices. Add you in the mix of things and he feels even worse, which just makes him want to drink even more. So by removing yourself from the situation, you are actually lessening his guilt, which may give him a better shot at fixing whatever he is dealing with, much sooner.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh I am so sorry about your grandfather!!! Stay connected here and keep talking with us, even if it’s about your grandfather. It’s a scary time right now and we are a good support.
I’m glad you are willing to just take a step back for 30 days and let things simmer down. At the end of the month, you can decide and he can decide if talking is an option. For now, spend the next month focusing on your grandfather and taking care of yourself as well. Your heart is going to hurt and it’s important you do things that nourish you. Watch nice movies, read good books, go on walks, listen to motivating podcasts, color in an adult coloring book, do some journaling. Now is a good time to really allow all your feelings to come up and to deal with them.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
What a yucky argument. I am so sorry! The first thing I am noticing is that he has a need to be right, more than anything. That is what is most important to him. Him constantly calling you a “princess” is about a jr. high level of functioning. He has a lot of anger stored up and you are the perfect target for him, because you keep participating in his anger. Every time you try to resolve this or defend yourself, it’s the perfect opportunity for him to slime you with his anger and blame you for how you are feeling. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of trying to find a new job, in a very difficult time. Reality is, he is not interested in sitting down with you and talking things through. At this point, he is only interested in blaming you and pushing you away. As long as you keep participating in this design, you are supporting him in being his lower self and supporting him hurting you.
Are you willing to take a step back and stop trying to resolve how he feels about you right now? Maybe start with committing to 3 weeks of no contact. Take a breather, allow yourself to have a break from his rejecting and hurtful words and then re-think your next steps in 3 weeks.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I am faring okay. I live in Colorado. It’s a concerning time for everyone right now.
So let’s help you get more clear. You are sending quite a few mixed messages to him, which is why he doesn’t need to leave her. You end up connecting and talking for over an hour and then he reads the letter. Do you see why he is not really taking you seriously? How many times have you said you “cannot do this anymore” or “he needs to choose” but in the end, you are still exactly where you started 444 days ago. He is choosing her and he is choosing you too. He gets to have both of you connecting with him in different ways, so why should he make any decisions when there is no real threat?
The letter you wrote to him is not very clear. You expressed a ton of how you felt and the ending was very soft. It was not a hard line or truly setting a very clear boundary. It’s clear you are not ready to truly let go and that’s okay! This is crazy hard what you are going through and it takes time.
Let’s look at the reality of where you are at right now. You are willing to be in relationship and connect with him even though he is with this other woman. I have no doubt that he will do his very best to help manage BOTH of your needs through this virus. I doubt he will drop you and stay with her. He will undoubtedly call and check on you many times throughout the process and do what he can to help you.
So the truth is – you are not in quite enough pain to make some hard lines with him. The pain of losing him entirely is more than the pain of staying connected with him in this design. Being this is where you are at, you need to embrace that truth, for right now (as it can change day to day) and figure out ways to deal with it. You are trying to sit in the middle and wait for him to choose you. What can you do to choose yourself? What can you do to deal with the hurt and rejection you are feeling everyday? We have given you a ton of ideas throughout this thread. Are you using any of the techniques?
Lastly, it is not true that you have to suffer through this virus thing with the memory of him choosing her over you, should that happen. I have survived some of the worst, most horrific traumas a person can go through and I found forgiveness. When I look back at those memories, I am entirely indifferent. I fought to forgive those people and myself and kept working until I was able to look back and feel only peace and gratitude and that is where I stay. It’s possible to forgive and release negative emotions about anything. Suffering is not inevetible and forever. Just something to think about.
Heidi
