[Heidi G]

HI Micaela,

I’m glad you are willing to take a few more weeks. What’s your plan? How can you use this time to continue to deepen your relationship with yourself? How can you use this time to help you learn more about your trust issues?

Yes, he was angry because you hurt him, but HOW he responded comes from many years past. We ALL get angry and hurt and how we respond to that comes from deep within us, what we were roled modeled as a child, our personality, our wounds etc. This is why it’s important for you to truly pay attention to this. He said those things in the moment because he felt hurt. What will happen next time you hurt him? His reaction and how he responded is NOT a 1 time thing. It is who he is and how he responds to stress and his angry feelings. I understand you want to just let it slide and talk about it when everything cools down and you, of course, get to do that. You deeply care for him and want to keep trying, so the best thing you can do is really work on yourself. Really work deeper on your trust issues. It will be one less topic to argue about in the future if you can truly heal that insecurity of yours.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello Li!

Welcome. We are glad you are here and sharing your questions with us.

You are asking a good question. Being that he was in a 7 year relationship and is still freshly out of that, he is going to need A LOT of time to truly recover and heal – if I were working with him, I would recommend at least a year of being single and not getting involved with someone in a serious way. I don’t know how long your last toxic relationship was either, but it sounds like you might benefit from some time to heal from that as well. You both were rebound experiences for each other.

If you would like to stay connected to him, how do you feel about taking the friendship route? It helps build a solid foundation, you both can continue to just have fun occasionally with each other and then maybe down the road, something further can develop. He is in med school which is so intense and time consuming, so being friends instead of dating will be much more manageable for him. I”m glad he ended up being honest with you, which is so important. If he admitted to not have feelings for you, there is nothing you can do to change that. But becoming friends for awhile could possibly be a really good step in that direction.

Is this something you are willing to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jane,

Welcome!!!

I definitely understand your need to understand what you mean to him. I want to encourage you to slow down a bit. It’s been 10 weeks and there are some yellow, caution flags that need to be paid attention to. He still lives with his parents, which REALLY inhibits a relationship. What is keeping him there? How come he is not out on his own yet? How old is he?

You also say he has a lot of low self-esteem. That means it’s A LOT of work for you. That low self-esteem will show up in a million different ways where you will constantly need to reassure him and be his cheerleader, where he will be intimidated by you and not feel like your equal, where he may have a lack of drive in his life and fighting for his dreams, because he is too scared. I’m just throwing out possible scenarios here. Someone with a lot of low self-esteem means high maintenance. We all have low self-esteem of course, but the amount of low self esteem is what needs to be paid attention to along with how does that person deal with their lack of self love and self confidence. These are things you need to look out for. Have you guys faced any challenges or disagreements yet?

Let’s talk about how you are feeling. If things are going so well just as they are, what is happening in you that you feel the need to find out where you fit in his life? If you judge by how he treats you and connects with you, I would venture to say that he really cares about you and you matter in his life. What SPECIFICALLY are you needing more than that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m glad you are connecting to yourself more. This is great!!! And you are spot on!

As far as “letting it go” I want to encourage you not to do that. NO ONE likes talking about uncomfortable subjects. This is the perfect time to practice exactly what you just talked about. There are ways to have the conversation though, that make it easier. Think about this recent situation as your teacher. If you both just sit down and talk about what you learned about yourselves and the situation, it can really help clear the air. So you might say something like “You know, I’ve been really thinking about how I handled this and I don’t like it. I got mad at you for disappearing, but truth is, I disappeared first. I get so scared that I just want to pull away and retreat. I want you to know that I know that is not okay. It’s unkind to you, it makes the situation worse and it’s not the kind of girlfriend I want to be. I’m not promising I won’t do this again, because I do have a lot of fear, but I do promise I want to do better. I’m going to really work on this part of myself so I can keep improving. I’m sorry I put you through that.” Saying something like this to start the conversation is pretty wonderful, right? It can open both your hearts to re-connect.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Micaela,

Would you be willing to take a few more weeks to be alone? Your trust issues run deep. It takes time to really connect to everything you did in the first few weeks. Let it sink in even more and keep searching for anything that would be left in there.

As far as your guy, there are some HUGE red flags here. First, he is verbally abusive. He said some pretty mean things to you. He seems to be at a level of a 4 or 5 year old with anger and that is not okay. He is carrying some really deep wounds as well from his past. The thing is, we all have wounds from our past that can cause damage in the present relationship, but what we do about it, is what will make or break the relationship. He is showing you that he is more interested in being “right” than connecting with you through this challenge. He is showing you that he is not willing to forgive. He is showing you that he would prefer to stay the “victim” than to take responsibility for his choices in the situation as well. This is how he will behave every single time you hurt him. Just like you brought your baggage into the relationship about being cheated on, this is HIS baggage, not yours. So if you want this relationship to work, he needs to be someone who is able to forgive, take responsiblity for his choices and be able to speak to you with respect. Otherwise, each time you guys get into an argument, more and more harm will be caused and eventually everything will break completely.

So before you try to get him back, consider these things. Just something to think about.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lau,

I’m wondering…is it an unusual thing for you to be treated nicely by a guy? Guys who treat women nicely are everywhere, but maybe that hasn’t been your experience, so him treating you nicely feels extra wonderful for you. Just curious…

So help us understand exactly what you want from him. I’m getting a little lost in that you have him back now and you like how things are going. So what more do you want from him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

A few posts back, you were talking about bible study and then said this: “I’m really kind of hoping something will develop with one of the men I just started talking with.” and then you asked for ways to connect online. So I thought it was a guy from your bible study group. It sounds like it isn’t, so how do you know this guy?

So this “robotic” numb kind of feeling is confusing to me. I know exactly what you are talking about, but what I also know that you have shared how the mountains are your haven and taking photographs excite you. You have gone on so many dates and felt things. Those kinds of things have passion and feeling in them and are not numb or robotic. Maybe those things bring you alive again? My guess is, this robotic feeling dulls things more than what they are. So even though you LOVE going to the mountains, it may feel like your excitement has more potential to it. If your numbness weren’t there, you would be feeling even your favorite activities, that much more. Thoughts?

Listen, don’t you dare go down that road of regret. I know that other job would have kept you in Canada, but there are so many other things that could have happened on that path. You are exactly where you need to be right now. There is no mistake in that. I know you are miserable with the lack of mountains and beauty. Remember to keep your focus on what you DO have. Maybe this time is a good time to really dive deep and explore those numb feelings. Whatever is there, needs to be connected with. Feeling like that is not a fun way to live your life. This is a good time for healing all of our crap, as we have to sit at home. This whole situation brings up many triggers, which gives us opportunities to clean out the gunk. Maybe set a specific goal of how you are going to use this very rare time, to improve your life.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

lol “rooting for you” kinda means like I am a cheerleader for you guys. Does that make sense?

Hopefully, your aunt is okay. When do you find out the results?

It’s such an awful feeling to watch your person struggle and not be able to help or change the situation. Where you can help is just being supportive and solid for him. His work is not fighting for him and caring for him, so he needs you to be. Keep reminding him of his best self. Guys love that. Well…people love that. So saying things like, “I know this is horrible, but I also know you enough to know that you will figure this out and make it to the other side.” I’m sure you are already doing that though. He is very lucky to have you!

How is your hip feeling by the way?

What are the rules there right now? Are you guys on lockdown? Just this morning, only grocery stores and gas stations and few other businesses are allowed to be open. Restaurants were open, but only for take out orders. This morning, that isn’t even an option now. Everyone is being asked to stay isolated. I live in Colorado, so thank goodness there are a TON of trails I can get out to and just go hiking. I’m so grateful.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

How about getting clear about EXACTLY what you want. You can start by creating your “non-negotiable list.” These are the foundation to your relationship. They are the qualities in a guy that you CANNOT live without. These are specific traits that he needs to bring to the table, in order for you to feel nourished by the relationship. They are non-negotiable…meaning, if these qualities do not exist, you will not survive in that relationship.

This non-negotiable list, is what I recommend dating from – if you are ready for that “forever” kind of love. If you are just dating and having fun, this list is not so important.

Here are just a few examples on my list:
1. Romantic
2. Loves animals
3. High emotional intelligence

I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if those qualities do not exist in him, I will not be a good match. These are essential for me. It’s what feeds my soul and keep my love nourished in a relationship.

Now when you make your list, you also want to make sure there is nothing on that list that you cannot offer to him as well. This ensures that he is not “completing” you. So for example, if a quality on my list was financially abundant, I need to make sure I bring that to table as well. You never want to ask something from someone that you cannot offer yourself.

Here is another thing to think about as well. When I was in my 20s, one of the things on my list was “athletic.” I needed to be with a guy who played a sport and was a good athlete. Back then, I thought it was crucial. Then I discovered, through dating, that I was actually totally good with a guy who was active. Yes, it would be a bonus if he were an athlete, but if he works out, rides bikes, goes on hikes etc. that was my bottom line requirement. So you want to test out your non-negotiable list. It will morph and change over time, as you change over time as well.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello there!

I understand you not wanting to forgive him. It’s not an easy choice. I have been there many, many times. I have been fooled, I have been horribly mistreated and my childhood was far from easy. I have been in many moments where I either had to choose to forgive the worst in a human being or hold onto my resentment and anger. The thing that always caught me though, were the consequences I would face if I chose not to forgive. I imagine you want to love again, right? I imagine you want to attract a guy who is forgiving and is able to accept your humanness and your limitations, yes? I imagine you want to be able to love and connect deeply with your partner. If you choose to hold onto your judgment, anger and resentment towards this guy, all of what you truly desire will be inhibited. Again, YOU are the only one paying the price for not forgiving.

Resentment and judgment are like slow moving cancers that act like magnets. Every time someone does something to hurt you, it will be magnetized to the already existing judgment and resentment and just cause it to grow. Any new guy that you meet, you will see them through this invisible filter you are now carrying with you 24/7 where anger and hurt are held. You don’t want a guy to be looking at you through the lens of his past bad experiences, do you? He wouldn’t be able to see you for who YOU are – in present time…he would just be seeing you through all the hurt he still carried and constantly living in his past. Remember, you cannot ask nor require something from someone, that you are not willing to give yourself. So if you want to choose to not forgive and release your anger, hurt and judgment, then know you cannot expect that from another person.

Again, I know holding onto your anger feels more empowering. I truly know that it just feels better to be angry and point the finger instead of release and forgive. So here is a question I always ask myself. Instead of pointing the finger at him for your anger, how about looking at this: How is your anger towards him, serving you? This judgment you carry towards him, how does it help you? This need to keep your resentment, how is that going to help you in your life and make it better?

As far as the social media ex, does it bother you that she is looking at your stuff? Does it really matter whether she knows or not? There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You just went on a journey and chose to believe in someone. What is so embarrassing about that? I know you feel fooled. No one goes through life without feeling fooled. It’s part of the human experience. Her opinion does not matter anyways. She doesn’t know you or what happened and she never will. She only matters if you choose to let her. If you are having trouble and she keeps triggering you, then block her. You need to heal and it’s impossible to heal when you keep getting triggered. So it’s up to you how you handle this. Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karen,

This is a really good question! I know a lot of dating advice out there says to date many men at one time. Before you go down that route, it’s important you really stay connected to yourself and that it feels okay for you. I know many men and women, where that design doesn’t really work well for them and that’s okay. Dating is about figuring out who you are and honoring that. Do you feel comfortable dating several men at the same time? And…to what level? It’s one thing to just go on dates, but it’s another thing once kissing and intimacy get involved. So it’s important for you to get clear about what feels okay for you.

Let’s talk about this statement:
“Date several men at the same time until one of them wants to be exclusive with me.” I would rather you say, “until I want to be exclusive with one of them.” YOU have to be inspired by him. You don’t want to say yes to a guy, just because he picked you. You BOTH need to be inspired to want to be with each other. Dating is like an interview for a job. The job is to take care of your most valuable asset – your heart. The journey of dating is about asking questions and getting to know someone, to see if they have the ability to hold your heart in their hands and know how to care for it. So you are interviewing them and they are interviewing you. Does this make sense?

If a guy asks if you are talking to other guys, there are 2 ways you can respond. You can respond with a question by saying, “Are you chatting with other girls?” or “That is an interesting question. Does it really matter to you?” or you can answer the question by saying something like “I keep my options open” or “Yes, I do still chat online. Have you gotten any crazy responses?” The last one is a great way to re-direct the conversation into sharing funny online dating stories. How you answer though, really depends on how you feel about the guy who is asking. If you really care about him and want to keep dating him, your answer should be minimizing that you are still chatting with other guys, but follow up with letting him know you really like HIM. If you don’t care much about the guy who is asking, you may want to maximize your response so he knows you are still looking. Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Yan,

I’m glad you guys were able to re-connect. It sounds like you are still hurting and that whatever happened, is not completely resolved. I would encourage you both to sit down and talk about it. You guys can create a nice romantic dinner, light candles and have the agreement to just talk and get curious about each other’s feelings about everything that happened. It is sooooo important to clear the air about any hurt feelings.

I know you feel you can’t trust him to not hurt you again. Here is the reality though Yan. He will. And you will hurt him as well. It’s just a very normal part of relationships and love. Hurt is inevitable and will always be there, even after 50 years of marriage. So instead of trying to figure out how to trust HIM to not hurt you, how about trusting YOURSELF that even when he hurts you again, you will be okay. You will figure it out, you will heal and you will get back onto your feet and move forward again. Trust in yourself is a key component to having a successful relationship. It allows you to risk. So you get yourself to trust him again, by taking your trust in him back and putting it in yourself. He is human and is going to mess, just like you are. I know you feel he shouldn’t have disappeared, but remember you made that same exact choice. Now that you know how awful it feels, maybe next time you will figure out a different way to handle your hurt. How can you learn from this experience so next time you will choose to stay connected through your hurt?

Does all this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Micaela,

Thank you for sharing all those details! It was really helpful! There are many things happening here.

First, let’s talk about you. You have some trust issues due to past experiences. You said you wanted some time to “heal” and “fix” those issues. What have you specifically done to heal those issues? I’m curious how long it’s been since his last text message. A few weeks ago? A few months ago?

Let’s talk about trust for a second. Here is the reality of love and relationship: there are no guarantees. No matter what you do or what you say or how amazing the relationship is, there are no guarantees of the relationship lasting, that no one will cheat, that no one will leave, that you will be happy etc. Every single person is capable of anything, given the right mixture of emotions / stress. I remember truly learning that about myself. I have always known a ton about dating and relationships and have always been highly self aware. I still cheated and I remember being so surprised that I had that in me. I analyzed everything that happened that led me into that choice. Then later in my life, I cheated AGAIN. Once again, I analyzed everything that led me to that choice. I found common levels of stress and triggers. Me, someone who has high integrity, communication, self awareness, stress management techniques…I cheated. The lesson I will ALWAYS keep with me is that I AM capable, just like every person, to cheat, to cause harm, to make decisions that ruin love if I don’t take good care of my emotional health. I’m telling you this, because there is not such thing as trusting others to be perfect in how they love you. Your guy will mess up in a million different ways over time. He may cheat, you may cheat, he may not cheat but decide to leave. You may end up feeling like you don’t love him anymore at some point. Nobody knows what is going to happen down the road – that’s why love is a risk. With that being said, you need to be okay taking that risk. One of the ways to do that is to instead trust YOURSELF. When we put all of our trust in “others” to act and behave in a certain way so we can feel safe, it is GUARANTEED to fail. Our partner will break that trust many times over, just because they are human. So I like to create a foundation trust with myself that says “No matter what happens in life, I trust MYSELF that I will okay. I trust I will be able to get back onto my feet, I trust I will heal and I trust I will be able to take the worst of anything and transform it into something that has made my life better.” That kind of trust in yourself, cannot ever be broken or destroyed. I have this kind of trust in myself, because I have healed from so many hurtful things that others have done to me, I have forgiven myself for my mistakes, I am always working on staying in the present moment. Every time you have fear, it’s about the future – a time where there are infinite possibilities, yet you keep predicting one thing will happen – you will get cheated on. This fear is stealing your joy in life. It’s time to forgive your father for his choices. It’s time to forgive your ex. It’s time to forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Otherwise, no matter that guy that sits in front of you, you will never feel fully and completely free to just relax and enjoy the journey of love.

Does this make sense??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Also, here is a great video about breakups that may help you understand a little more about what you are going through.

[Heidi G]

Hi Maria,

You are asking a lot of good questions. I understand that there are MANY wonderful qualities about this man and in your relationship. There is nothing easy about letting something like that go. The thing is, when things get hard, he is not willing to work on them WITH you. At least not who he chooses to be right now. No matter how wonderful a relationship is, it cannot work if in the worst and hardest moments, BOTH people agree to approach the resolution in a similar enough way. John Gottman did a study on couples for 20 years, asking the questions…what makes a relationship last a long time? He found 4 or 5 qualities that needed to exist in a relationship if it was going to last. One of those qualities is: in the worst moments, both people treat each other with respect. That is what is missing here. He is not respecting you nor the relationship by not communicating and not willing to work on his low self-esteem. He is not able to offer respect, because he doesn’t respect himself. He has A LOT of work to do if he is going to ever be in a relationship that can last and where he can actually feel happy.

You don’t know whether or not you are broken up? This is your decision Maria, not his. He has provided you with information about who he is and how he handles things. With that information, YOU need to decide what you want to do. You are putting all the power in his hands. It’s time for you to set some boundaries for yourself and create some closure, so you can heal. I understand you don’t want to hold out hope for this guy and you get to do that. What you are not deciding is for how long. How long are you willing to wait for him? Let’s say you decide 3 more months. What then? Are you willing to take him back as is? He may come back to you and beg for you to give him another chance. I guarantee in 3 months, he will not have changed anything about his patterns and his low self-esteem. That is something that will take at least a year to really make an impact. He may be great for the first few months again, but his old patterns will slowly creep back in and you will end up in the same exact spot. So if you want to get back together, what will you require for that to happen?? This is more than just about relieving the suffering you feel for not being with him. Taking him back will also cause a different kind of suffering again, at some point. Just some things to think about.

Looking forward to your response!

Heidi

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