[Heidi G]

lol “rooting for you” kinda means like I am a cheerleader for you guys. Does that make sense?

Hopefully, your aunt is okay. When do you find out the results?

It’s such an awful feeling to watch your person struggle and not be able to help or change the situation. Where you can help is just being supportive and solid for him. His work is not fighting for him and caring for him, so he needs you to be. Keep reminding him of his best self. Guys love that. Well…people love that. So saying things like, “I know this is horrible, but I also know you enough to know that you will figure this out and make it to the other side.” I’m sure you are already doing that though. He is very lucky to have you!

How is your hip feeling by the way?

What are the rules there right now? Are you guys on lockdown? Just this morning, only grocery stores and gas stations and few other businesses are allowed to be open. Restaurants were open, but only for take out orders. This morning, that isn’t even an option now. Everyone is being asked to stay isolated. I live in Colorado, so thank goodness there are a TON of trails I can get out to and just go hiking. I’m so grateful.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

How about getting clear about EXACTLY what you want. You can start by creating your “non-negotiable list.” These are the foundation to your relationship. They are the qualities in a guy that you CANNOT live without. These are specific traits that he needs to bring to the table, in order for you to feel nourished by the relationship. They are non-negotiable…meaning, if these qualities do not exist, you will not survive in that relationship.

This non-negotiable list, is what I recommend dating from – if you are ready for that “forever” kind of love. If you are just dating and having fun, this list is not so important.

Here are just a few examples on my list:
1. Romantic
2. Loves animals
3. High emotional intelligence

I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if those qualities do not exist in him, I will not be a good match. These are essential for me. It’s what feeds my soul and keep my love nourished in a relationship.

Now when you make your list, you also want to make sure there is nothing on that list that you cannot offer to him as well. This ensures that he is not “completing” you. So for example, if a quality on my list was financially abundant, I need to make sure I bring that to table as well. You never want to ask something from someone that you cannot offer yourself.

Here is another thing to think about as well. When I was in my 20s, one of the things on my list was “athletic.” I needed to be with a guy who played a sport and was a good athlete. Back then, I thought it was crucial. Then I discovered, through dating, that I was actually totally good with a guy who was active. Yes, it would be a bonus if he were an athlete, but if he works out, rides bikes, goes on hikes etc. that was my bottom line requirement. So you want to test out your non-negotiable list. It will morph and change over time, as you change over time as well.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello there!

I understand you not wanting to forgive him. It’s not an easy choice. I have been there many, many times. I have been fooled, I have been horribly mistreated and my childhood was far from easy. I have been in many moments where I either had to choose to forgive the worst in a human being or hold onto my resentment and anger. The thing that always caught me though, were the consequences I would face if I chose not to forgive. I imagine you want to love again, right? I imagine you want to attract a guy who is forgiving and is able to accept your humanness and your limitations, yes? I imagine you want to be able to love and connect deeply with your partner. If you choose to hold onto your judgment, anger and resentment towards this guy, all of what you truly desire will be inhibited. Again, YOU are the only one paying the price for not forgiving.

Resentment and judgment are like slow moving cancers that act like magnets. Every time someone does something to hurt you, it will be magnetized to the already existing judgment and resentment and just cause it to grow. Any new guy that you meet, you will see them through this invisible filter you are now carrying with you 24/7 where anger and hurt are held. You don’t want a guy to be looking at you through the lens of his past bad experiences, do you? He wouldn’t be able to see you for who YOU are – in present time…he would just be seeing you through all the hurt he still carried and constantly living in his past. Remember, you cannot ask nor require something from someone, that you are not willing to give yourself. So if you want to choose to not forgive and release your anger, hurt and judgment, then know you cannot expect that from another person.

Again, I know holding onto your anger feels more empowering. I truly know that it just feels better to be angry and point the finger instead of release and forgive. So here is a question I always ask myself. Instead of pointing the finger at him for your anger, how about looking at this: How is your anger towards him, serving you? This judgment you carry towards him, how does it help you? This need to keep your resentment, how is that going to help you in your life and make it better?

As far as the social media ex, does it bother you that she is looking at your stuff? Does it really matter whether she knows or not? There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You just went on a journey and chose to believe in someone. What is so embarrassing about that? I know you feel fooled. No one goes through life without feeling fooled. It’s part of the human experience. Her opinion does not matter anyways. She doesn’t know you or what happened and she never will. She only matters if you choose to let her. If you are having trouble and she keeps triggering you, then block her. You need to heal and it’s impossible to heal when you keep getting triggered. So it’s up to you how you handle this. Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karen,

This is a really good question! I know a lot of dating advice out there says to date many men at one time. Before you go down that route, it’s important you really stay connected to yourself and that it feels okay for you. I know many men and women, where that design doesn’t really work well for them and that’s okay. Dating is about figuring out who you are and honoring that. Do you feel comfortable dating several men at the same time? And…to what level? It’s one thing to just go on dates, but it’s another thing once kissing and intimacy get involved. So it’s important for you to get clear about what feels okay for you.

Let’s talk about this statement:
“Date several men at the same time until one of them wants to be exclusive with me.” I would rather you say, “until I want to be exclusive with one of them.” YOU have to be inspired by him. You don’t want to say yes to a guy, just because he picked you. You BOTH need to be inspired to want to be with each other. Dating is like an interview for a job. The job is to take care of your most valuable asset – your heart. The journey of dating is about asking questions and getting to know someone, to see if they have the ability to hold your heart in their hands and know how to care for it. So you are interviewing them and they are interviewing you. Does this make sense?

If a guy asks if you are talking to other guys, there are 2 ways you can respond. You can respond with a question by saying, “Are you chatting with other girls?” or “That is an interesting question. Does it really matter to you?” or you can answer the question by saying something like “I keep my options open” or “Yes, I do still chat online. Have you gotten any crazy responses?” The last one is a great way to re-direct the conversation into sharing funny online dating stories. How you answer though, really depends on how you feel about the guy who is asking. If you really care about him and want to keep dating him, your answer should be minimizing that you are still chatting with other guys, but follow up with letting him know you really like HIM. If you don’t care much about the guy who is asking, you may want to maximize your response so he knows you are still looking. Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Yan,

I’m glad you guys were able to re-connect. It sounds like you are still hurting and that whatever happened, is not completely resolved. I would encourage you both to sit down and talk about it. You guys can create a nice romantic dinner, light candles and have the agreement to just talk and get curious about each other’s feelings about everything that happened. It is sooooo important to clear the air about any hurt feelings.

I know you feel you can’t trust him to not hurt you again. Here is the reality though Yan. He will. And you will hurt him as well. It’s just a very normal part of relationships and love. Hurt is inevitable and will always be there, even after 50 years of marriage. So instead of trying to figure out how to trust HIM to not hurt you, how about trusting YOURSELF that even when he hurts you again, you will be okay. You will figure it out, you will heal and you will get back onto your feet and move forward again. Trust in yourself is a key component to having a successful relationship. It allows you to risk. So you get yourself to trust him again, by taking your trust in him back and putting it in yourself. He is human and is going to mess, just like you are. I know you feel he shouldn’t have disappeared, but remember you made that same exact choice. Now that you know how awful it feels, maybe next time you will figure out a different way to handle your hurt. How can you learn from this experience so next time you will choose to stay connected through your hurt?

Does all this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Micaela,

Thank you for sharing all those details! It was really helpful! There are many things happening here.

First, let’s talk about you. You have some trust issues due to past experiences. You said you wanted some time to “heal” and “fix” those issues. What have you specifically done to heal those issues? I’m curious how long it’s been since his last text message. A few weeks ago? A few months ago?

Let’s talk about trust for a second. Here is the reality of love and relationship: there are no guarantees. No matter what you do or what you say or how amazing the relationship is, there are no guarantees of the relationship lasting, that no one will cheat, that no one will leave, that you will be happy etc. Every single person is capable of anything, given the right mixture of emotions / stress. I remember truly learning that about myself. I have always known a ton about dating and relationships and have always been highly self aware. I still cheated and I remember being so surprised that I had that in me. I analyzed everything that happened that led me into that choice. Then later in my life, I cheated AGAIN. Once again, I analyzed everything that led me to that choice. I found common levels of stress and triggers. Me, someone who has high integrity, communication, self awareness, stress management techniques…I cheated. The lesson I will ALWAYS keep with me is that I AM capable, just like every person, to cheat, to cause harm, to make decisions that ruin love if I don’t take good care of my emotional health. I’m telling you this, because there is not such thing as trusting others to be perfect in how they love you. Your guy will mess up in a million different ways over time. He may cheat, you may cheat, he may not cheat but decide to leave. You may end up feeling like you don’t love him anymore at some point. Nobody knows what is going to happen down the road – that’s why love is a risk. With that being said, you need to be okay taking that risk. One of the ways to do that is to instead trust YOURSELF. When we put all of our trust in “others” to act and behave in a certain way so we can feel safe, it is GUARANTEED to fail. Our partner will break that trust many times over, just because they are human. So I like to create a foundation trust with myself that says “No matter what happens in life, I trust MYSELF that I will okay. I trust I will be able to get back onto my feet, I trust I will heal and I trust I will be able to take the worst of anything and transform it into something that has made my life better.” That kind of trust in yourself, cannot ever be broken or destroyed. I have this kind of trust in myself, because I have healed from so many hurtful things that others have done to me, I have forgiven myself for my mistakes, I am always working on staying in the present moment. Every time you have fear, it’s about the future – a time where there are infinite possibilities, yet you keep predicting one thing will happen – you will get cheated on. This fear is stealing your joy in life. It’s time to forgive your father for his choices. It’s time to forgive your ex. It’s time to forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Otherwise, no matter that guy that sits in front of you, you will never feel fully and completely free to just relax and enjoy the journey of love.

Does this make sense??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Also, here is a great video about breakups that may help you understand a little more about what you are going through.

[Heidi G]

Hi Maria,

You are asking a lot of good questions. I understand that there are MANY wonderful qualities about this man and in your relationship. There is nothing easy about letting something like that go. The thing is, when things get hard, he is not willing to work on them WITH you. At least not who he chooses to be right now. No matter how wonderful a relationship is, it cannot work if in the worst and hardest moments, BOTH people agree to approach the resolution in a similar enough way. John Gottman did a study on couples for 20 years, asking the questions…what makes a relationship last a long time? He found 4 or 5 qualities that needed to exist in a relationship if it was going to last. One of those qualities is: in the worst moments, both people treat each other with respect. That is what is missing here. He is not respecting you nor the relationship by not communicating and not willing to work on his low self-esteem. He is not able to offer respect, because he doesn’t respect himself. He has A LOT of work to do if he is going to ever be in a relationship that can last and where he can actually feel happy.

You don’t know whether or not you are broken up? This is your decision Maria, not his. He has provided you with information about who he is and how he handles things. With that information, YOU need to decide what you want to do. You are putting all the power in his hands. It’s time for you to set some boundaries for yourself and create some closure, so you can heal. I understand you don’t want to hold out hope for this guy and you get to do that. What you are not deciding is for how long. How long are you willing to wait for him? Let’s say you decide 3 more months. What then? Are you willing to take him back as is? He may come back to you and beg for you to give him another chance. I guarantee in 3 months, he will not have changed anything about his patterns and his low self-esteem. That is something that will take at least a year to really make an impact. He may be great for the first few months again, but his old patterns will slowly creep back in and you will end up in the same exact spot. So if you want to get back together, what will you require for that to happen?? This is more than just about relieving the suffering you feel for not being with him. Taking him back will also cause a different kind of suffering again, at some point. Just some things to think about.

Looking forward to your response!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Holy smokes! He is going through a lot!!! No wonder why he got more silent. Everything they are doing is threatening his ability to finish his house and keep him safe and healthy. He doesn’t feel protected by the people running his organization. That sucks!!!! Especially after everything he has invested. That’s awful! It’s not right. I’m kind mad for him. Right now, we all need to stick together and help each other through this. The people running our companies and organizations need to be leaders in this and they are not doing a very good job. I sure hope things turn around for him. I hope he doesn’t get sick and doesn’t spread anything to his parents. I imagine he has to consider quarantining now that he has some small symptoms.

Hopefully your aunt and dad are all good. I imagine she hasn’t gotten tested because she isn’t in critical condition. So you guys just have to wait and see if she gets worse?

I’m glad you guys were able to reconnect and had a good conversation. I’m sure that put your heart and mind at ease. I know it did mine! lol. I’m rooting for you guys!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

Tell us more about feeling like a robot. What do you mean you don’t feel like you exist? Do you feel that how you are feeling is part of a protective / survival mode response you are having?

Tell us more about the guy you have some interest in from your bible study group. Does he show up each time? Have you ever met in person?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

It’s confusing isn’t it? He may be at such high levels of stress that he is constantly distracted by his thoughts. Men, in general, tend to shut down and communicate a lot less when a certain level of stress shows up. They tend to go into their “cave” to process things. I’m wondering if this is what is happening for your guy.

After giving him a little space, I am wondering how you feel about just talking to him about it. This is a really unusual time and I think communication is so important right now. You could say something like “Hey…I just want to check in real quick. It feels like I am the one always initiating our connection right now. It’s not like you, to not contact me first sometimes and it feels like you have become a bit more distant from me. So I just wanted to understand you and make sure I am supporting you the way you need. Would you mind talking to me about this?”

How does saying something like that feel for you? I’m not sure it’s the best idea for you to just wait until he contacts you. I think giving him space for a few days is okay, but longer than that, you are going to have some hurt feelings and you are going to start to feel yourself naturally pull away from him. Where you guys are at in your relationship, I think it’s appropriate to just ask him and keep the communication flowing.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ayeisha,

I get why it’s so confusing. I just have a few more questions. When he mentioned that he is going through something right now, was he willing to talk about it? You also said he seems evasive about you meeting his family. So what I’m wondering is about, is his ability to be a good communicator. I’m wondering if he hides his real feelings and emotions a lot. Do you get that sense at all? Does he tend to control the conversation by always keeping the topics about you? Does he give short answers? Does he like talking about himself and his life or does he tend to change the subject?

You ask if you should give him space or let go permanently. It’s really up to you. What you do know is that how things are functioning right now, doesn’t work for you. It sounds like you mentioned that to him and he apologized for it hurting you, but it doesn’t sound like any of his behaviors have changed. Would you say that is accurate? If nothing changes and he still is not being very responsive and initiating with you, then it’s important for you to accept the space he is in and that he is limited in what he can offer to you right now. I know you have strong feelings for him and that’s what makes this so difficult. Either way you choose, it hurts. If you let go of him completely, it hurts to let go of the idea of you guys together and the feelings – but at least there is an ending to it and you can heal. If you decide to keep trying, it hurts to be rejected every day. There is no ending to that. So you need to decide which hurt you are willing to face. I’m sorry these are difficult options for you and he is being flaky. What can you do for now, to take care of yourself and show yourself a lot of love and compassion?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda!

So much is happening and everyone’s world is turning upside down right now. Did you end up going back online? Even if you can’t meet in person, it might be fun just to have some chats with different people.

How are you emotionally handling everything that is happening? I have no doubt the levels of depression and anxiety are through the roof. I’m sure medications are going to get a huge surge during this period of time.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lau,

Kanya and I have both told you, if you REALLY want to get his attention, you need to pull back and make him work a lot harder for you.
It’s NOT working hard for you if he asks you to come to his office for sex. That is him using you for his own needs. That is NOT him truly caring about you.

So it’s up to you what you do. How do you want him to treat you? Do you want his respect? Or are you okay just being asked to have sex and then having him disconnect again? I know you miss him, so I get this might be a hard decision for you. We cannot answer this for you. You get to decide how you want to interact with him and each time, you will learn more about how it makes you feel to either connect and go have sex or not connect and make him work harder for you.

Either way, there are challenges you will have to face. Some challenges will be harder than others, but I trust you will get through it.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

Now might be a good time to give Marco Polo a shot with your guy.

Why do you think it is that people there are not respecting the guidelines very well? Are you surprised by this or would you say it’s part of the culture there?

I think a weekend away is a great idea!!! The travel industry is going to need a ton of help to recover, so the more people get out and about again, the faster the global economy will recover.

Heidi

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