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Good to hear from you Lisa,
First, you are not doing everything “wrong.” Look at dating as a learning process. Sometimes you will be more effective and sometimes you will be less effective. It’s NOT a “right” or “wrong” process and here is why. What is “right” for one person, does NOT work for another and that is the hardest part about getting to know someone. You are going to fumble around and mess up with someone…it’s inevitable. You are going to say the “wrong” thing, you are going to feel rejected and you will reject and so on. It’s just part of the process for EVERYONE. The ones that make it through in a healthy way are the ones that don’t fight that process, they love themselves even in their less effective form, they are clear about what they need and stay connected to their standards. Everything else will fall into place or not…and accepting the outcome is important. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Trust that whether this guy or another guy works or doesn’t work, it’s NOT all about you and what you did or didn’t do…it’s about BOTH people and sooooo many more things that we don’t even know about.
I always view dating as a way to get to know myself…the parts of myself that are great at connecting and also the exposure of what I call my “fault” lines…the “cracks” in my emotional system where low self-esteem lives and where I get triggered. So dating is a “school” that teaches you all kinds of things about yourself.
For example: Here is a “fault line” for you: It hurt my feelings a bit to be put in a category of “maybe”, when it comes to your time. When I read what he wrote, my first impression was, “He wants to hang out but he just isn’t sure if he can make that happen.” You had a “hurt” response and received that statement as if you were not important enough to him. You used the words “afterthought” and “booty call” which are statements showing you didn’t feel valued. This is a PERFECT example of showing you the areas in your emotional system where your low self-esteem lives. You have had enough experiences in your life where you felt like an “afterthought” that it is a button of yours. It’s a big enough button that it was easily activated from a simple statement this guy made…a guy you barely know. This is why dating is so amazing! It exposes the areas where we are disconnected from the truth. The only way this guy could have made you feel like an afterthought with his statement, is because there is a part of you that believes and feels that way and his statement just happened to shine a light on that part. Now…the idea is to learn about that part of you, work with that part of you and start to heal that part of you and get aligned 100% with the truth that you are valuable and worth knowing, whether or not someone else thinks so or not. Does this make sense?
Because I do not have that button “I’m an afterthought,” I didn’t read his statement that way. I read his statement exactly as he meant it.
I love that you were completely honest and authentic about how his statement made you feel. That took great strength and courage and it’s so important! The flip side to this is that he made you feel that way because it’s YOUR button, yet you put your feelings on him, as if HE made you feel that. The truth is, all the people in the past are the ones that taught you that, not this guy.
So a different way to respond that is about YOU owning your own feelings instead of saying “YOU” hurt me…you could have said “I’m not exactly sure what “definitely maybe” means. Do you want to see me, but you just aren’t sure?” It’s always a GOOOOOOD practice to ask someone what they meant BEFORE having any kind of reaction. Most of the time, a few simple questions to get some clarity, helps improve communication.
You also could have said “I need more of a clear yes or no so I can plan my day accordingly.”
What you want to avoid ALWAYS is pointing the finger at the other person and blaming them for how you feel. Anytime we are triggered, it’s ALWAYS being sourced by feelings from our past and the current situation just so happens to press that button. Even if you have been married for 50 years and your partner triggers you, the same guideline applies. When you have BOTH people always taking responsibility for how they are feeling, you can work through things TOGETHER instead of blaming, pointing the finger and expecting the other person to fix it. This is a pretty big topic and has a lot of layers to it, so let’s keep talking about this.
I want to take your advice by not asking anything and keeping it light, but i don’t want to waste my time with someone who is nice, but just not that interested in me. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Let’s talk about this further. It’s not that you don’t ask questions. You just stay away from the questions about the relationship in the beginning. The first phase of dating is just getting to know someone and really WATCHING and observing who they are. Are they who they say they are? Is this someone I enjoy and feel open around? Is this someone I feel safe with? As far as “wasting your time” I’d like to invite you to let that go. There is no such thing. Sometimes a guy might come into your life only for 1 date and that’s it. Was it a waste? Well if you view dating for sole purpose of finding a partner, then yes…you can say it’s wasting your time. But again, I’d like to invite you into thinking about dating with a much more expanded mindset. Dating is about getting to know yourself. With that mindset, there is no such thing as “wasting your time” because every single experience, every single date, you are learning about yourself, you are building new skills, you are having new experiences, and you meeting a new person. There is ALWAYS something to learn.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mary! Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m deeply sorry you are having to deal with a broken heart. It’s terribly difficult to watch the person you love, slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s painful, it makes you feel powerless, and it impacts every second of every day. The best part about broken hearts though, is they can heal! Our hearts are incredibly resilient, if we allow them to be.
We have a lot to talk about here, so stick with me. I know I am going to say some thing you most likely will not like, but let’s keep talking them through.
There is a perspective you have that is actually very limiting here. Your perspective is, “The only way forward is to be with HIM. The only way out of this pain, is to get him back. He is my everything and I want him back.”
Essentially the relationship ended due to my lack of communication, not allowing him to be the hero in our relationship, and not backing him up when it came to boundaries. First, it sounds like you are pretty clear about how you contributed to this ending. I’m wondering though…were these things HE said or are they things you came up with yourself? Tell me more about your lack of communication. What’s going on there? What are you not communicating about? With boundaries, how are you not supporting him? Did you keep crossing his boundaries? As far as the hero thing, you “not allowing” him to be the hero is more about your ability to receive what he offers. So what is blocking you from receiving him? What happens inside of you, that cause you to reject him? All in all, it sounds like you have a big fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Most people with this fear, have a deep core wound where they were taught in their younger years, it’s not safe to be me. It’s not safe to feel, it’s not safe to be seen or known, it’s not safe to connect to deeply and so on. Does any of this resonate for you?
Friends and family (and my own therapist!!) began attacking me, saying that if he doesn’t go back, it’s clear he didn’t want to move our relationship forward. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Maybe you would consider finding another therapist? Your friends, family, and therapist are all viewing your situation from a very small, limited perspective that is not based in higher truths. That must have felt awful for you. What truly needs to happen here Mary, is for you to understand more deeply what is happening here, so you can create healing for yourself and start to mend the broken pieces of your heart.
sent it and FINALLY felt anxiety free! I wasn’t anxiously waiting for a reply. He read it, but has not replied as I said I would respect his space for now. But my skin is crawling and I wish to speak to him so badly!!! I’ll see him tonight at work for his last shift (we work together at a restaurant) and sprinkle in compliments. This is something for you to really look at within yourself. He is like a drug for your anxiety. You feel anxiety and then his actions or lack of actions either relieve or enhance your anxiety. Basically, you are 100% relying on HIM to let you know you are okay. This is co-dependent type of behavior and it’s a toxic pattern that ruins connection.
Let’s look at this a little more. You have used the work anxiety several times, so I’m assuming this is a feeling you are very familiar with and what you tend towards. Do you know when this started for you and why? Anxiety is fear about the future. Fear is the source, so what exactly are you afraid of? I know you are afraid you won’t get him back and you will lose your best friend. Let’s say that’s how it plays out. What are you afraid will happen if you guys don’t end up back together?
I know we’re on the path of getting back together, but right now I’m stuck in limbo as regards to my next move. This will prevent you from healing Mary. The reality is, life will show up however it does and we have absolutely no control over what shows up every day. You could feel like you are on the path of getting back together, but there is no guarantee. From everything you have shared, it doesn’t appear like you guys are on that path at the moment. So the goal here is to be okay no matter what happens. You could get back together and you could go your separate ways. Either way, it’s important for you to open up your mind to ALL possibilities instead of trying to control the outcome to be what YOU want. We all want to do that, of course. All that will do is keep you in suffering every time it doesn’t turn out the way you want. Learning how to find a place of acceptance of the PRESENT moment is the most important skill that will free you from your anxiety.
I’m still living my life with family and friends and am able to look after myself emotionally, but every now and then I find myself crying with such pain at not being able to talk to my best friend. Of course you are in pain. It’s part of heartbreak. It’s a rollercoaster ride for a while and eventually…it will stabilize IF you start to let go. The best way out of pain, is to step into it, explore all the causes and help yourself heal. I’m sure your heart has been broken MANY times. You wouldn’t have anxiety otherwise, so this current broken heart will activate ALL those other times you had a broken heart, so this is a beautiful opportunity to begin healing on a deeper level. Are you willing?
My main problem is needing help crafting texts and scripts. These scripts feel more natural and authentic than general advice. When I have an understanding of how the flow is, I feel much more calm. What should I text, and when?? He moves in less than a week. First, you have crossed his boundaries and broken your word of respecting his space. You are in so much pain, that you are losing site of him and what he needs. Truly loving someone is honoring THEIR journey, THEIR needs, THEIR knowing about what is best for them, even if it counters yours. Right now, all you are thinking about is yourself and how to get out of pain. Even if you did get back together Mary, the patterns and challenges that existed before breaking up, will still be there. The challenges you are personally dealing with, are not fixed just by changing your behavior. That will work for a short amount of time, but those patterns will easily creep back into EVERY relationship until you dive in and shift those patterns from the core. That takes time and commitment.
I regret going in and I regret requesting him. The only way I know how to recover is to give him space (no texting or contact.) I did send a quick apology the day after with no reply. I feel AWFUL!! I hope you guys can give me some advice soon. I’m struggling very much. It’s good you had this experience. It’s really important that you follow through in what you say you are going to do. It’s the only way to build trust back up. At this point, your apologies won’t matter anymore, because you keep crossing boundaries. So the best thing you can do is truly give him the gift of being honored and respected for HIS needs and stay away. In the meantime, this is going to be VERY hard for you, so it’s a good time to truly dive into working on yourself.
I’m not saying at all that you guys can’t get back together, but what I am saying is that there are a lot of things within YOU that you can begin to work on, so your next relationship, whether him or someone else, functions at a higher level. Right now your focus needs to be on dealing with your anxiety and the hurt on your own and not look to him to help you anymore. It’s very normal to want your best friend and lover to help you feel better. The problem with that is, when they become unavailable for whatever reason, where is your own skillset of knowing how to take care of yourself without them? From my 20+ years of coaching about relationships, this is one of the top underdeveloped skillsets that many times, causes the relationship to break down at some point. Most people have no clue how to take care of themselves emotionally without relying on other people to apologize, or change their behavior or do something that resolves the pain. The most effective and powerful way to be in a relationship, is to know how to forgive, accept, release all the negative emotions ON YOUR OWN, without needing the other person to help you do that. For example, I had years of abuse where I had to figure out how to forgive and let go of all that pain WITHOUT ever speaking to the offenders. And I did it. I’ve had boyfriends and friends completely shift and disconnect without a word and left me in complete pain and utter confusion. I was able to heal from all of those experiences WITHOUT ever talking to them. This mindset is what allows each person to have sovereignty over their own happiness. Your guy is not responsible for your well-being and vice versa. You can support each other’s well-being, but in the end, we are all responsible for ourselves. Does this make sense?
I know some of this is not what you wanted to hear. How is this impacting you? What does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Noora,
These are some great questions. Of course he still triggers you. He is an unkind person and the reality is, even if you didn’t still love him and care for him, anytime someone is unkind – it feels gross and it feels triggering. So let’s work on your mindset about this. It’s important for you to know what to expect from him. Even if he has some really nice days, there are going to be days where he is unkind as well, because he is an unhappy person. He will absolutely make attempts to continue manipulating you, because it has always worked. And it is still going to work sometimes AND THAT’S OKAY! There is a lot for you to learn and grow from these experiences. So view him as a your teacher. His manipulation and his meanness are his offerings to you to help you grow. Since he used your kindness against you, now you get to learn how to deal with it differently so that you protect your kindness. His meanness gives you an opportunity to turn and love yourself and connect to YOUR truth more strongly than his version of truth. Basically, imagine he is helping you go to the gym and strengthen your emotional muscles. The only way to strengthen is to go through resistance and challenge, right? So your relationship with him now is going to be about you learning how to love yourself more deeply, you learning how to manage your interactions with him so you stay empowered, and you learning to choose forgiveness instead of resentment or anger when he is being mean. You get to practice staying connected to yourself instead of getting wrapped up in what HE thinks. You can ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be and feel like, even when he is being mean and manipulative?”
The reality also is, the stronger you become and more empowered you feel, he will not like it. He wants you to stay exactly the same so he has power and control over you, so he can get what he wants. So expect a fight. Expect tantrums. Expect a lot pushing from him as you grow and change.
When you make a decision that is right for you and your son, then make it. And if he doesn’t agree, that’s okay! You don’t defend yourself, but instead you can simply validate his thoughts and leave it at that. So you can say something like “I hear you. I understand this frustrates you and that you don’t agree. Nevertheless, this is my decision and I need you to accept it.” In the end Noora, you are your son’s main parent and you are 100% responsible for him at this point. So the reality is, you get to make all kinds of decisions that your ex will not understand or agree with, but he lost his privileges by stepping away and not continuing to consistently stay connected to his son. So your job is to give your son the most solid, most healthy and nourishing home you can create for him and that is what you need to fight for and stay committed to, regardless of what his father thinks. He is not choosing to co-parent with you, so he doesn’t really have much authority when it comes to raising his son.
I’m glad you have a therapist, because it’s going to be quite messy trying to co-parent with him, so it will help a lot for you to have someone to talk with and also help you learn how to deal with someone like your ex.
I’m not sure if I answered your question or not, so let me know if you want more guidance with this.
Heidi
I love my self more than want to suffer this way again. You really nailed it here. This is ultimately the choice. Either suffer and be with someone or have peace and be alone. The people in your Facebook group are addicted to the suffering and being the “victim.” It is quite common. They would rather stay in their suffering, because it defines them. They usually are people who grew up being ignored, abandoned, rejected and whatever else, so they were left empty and their feelings never mattered. Then they grow up and something hard happens and they wallow. It gets them attention which is what they deeply need, because they are empty inside. So the suffering helps them connect with other who validate them. It’s an awful pattern to be in. You were heading down that road, but you pulled yourself out of it! That’s how strong you are! It is sooooo tempting to let the suffering and pain take over…as you already know.
And I started to just laugh because I realized that it was so stupid what I have done to my sellf and over what? Hahahahaha! You know…this is a great way to look at it! hahaha. That made me laugh. Thank you for sharing!
I know your husband is a liar and will affect your son. The best you can do is teach your son about integrity and the consequences of lying. He is still going to lie. We all do it. I grew up lying all the time. It was almost a compulsion. It wasn’t until I started going to therapy at 18 that I understood what was happening. I finally started to care about how that affected people. Life will teach your son as well. As long as you are a consistent role model for him and always there for him, his odds of learning a different way to be than his father are greatly increased.
Heidi
Wow Noora! You are a completely different person compared to your very first message. This is HOW STRONG you are!!! You are able to connect more strongly to truth and it really is beautiful…and I am soooo so very proud of you!!!
If I’m alone, so what? I’m then with person still who loves me, me. I seriously LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I’ve never really heard it said this way and I am going to use this in my coaching. Brilliant!
Some say that when I have forgiven then I’m healed and I say: “I do not neet to forgive assault to be healed and that is huge ask for any one who are mistreated and guilts the victim Let’s talk about forgiveness for a bit. It IS true that forgiving is essential for healing. I know I have truly forgiven when I do not have any negative feelings left over towards that person or about that situation. Forgiveness does not mean you forget. Forgiveness does not mean you let that person back in your life. Forgiveness just means that you let go of ALL the hurt, the anger and the negative feelings about what happened and also toward the person who you hurt you. Than you TRULY FREE from the pain. I have moments in my life of being abused and assaulted I can have those memories and not have any pain with them. I am completely free from those painful moments. Otherwise, we stay trapped by those negative feelings and then those negative feelings keep us connected energetically and emotionally to the person who hurt us. Is that what you want?
Even tho part of me would want that hope back and good times back, but the truth is there would be nevet trust again, it would not be ever same again, beeing with him would trigger constatly this trauma over and over again. Why I would do that to my self and would want to be in that kind of life? Yes, the trust was broken and can never be repaired. Yes, inviting him back into your life would be a VERY hard life. The thing is Noora, there were great things too and that is typically what causes people to get sucked back in. DO NOT be surprised that sometimes you feel like you would say “yes” to him coming back. Right now, you are VERY clear about saying no. On another day, you will feel differently and that is normal. Trying to heal after a breakup is a rollercoaster ride….A LOT of ups and downs and then eventually you will stabilize. Keep doing your work!!! You are so brave and so strong. Keep working with your psychiatrist. Keep learning about yourself so that you never get put into this situation again. Keep fighting to love yourself more and more each day. And even find ways to forgive him for his wounds and how it ended up hurting you and your son. He is living with A LOT of pain and that makes me sad. That is not an excuse for what he has chosen and he certainly is not an emotionally safe person to have in your life, but you can be free from the hurt through forgiving him and letting all of this go. Yes?
Heidi
Hi Lisa! Thank you for sharing a lot more. This is really helpful.
The first thing I want to say, is be more kind and compassionate with yourself. This is all new territory for who you are TODAY and that means there is going to be some fumbling as you navigate a new situation. And remember, HE IS ALSO responsible for his lack of communication as well. Just because you said and did what you did, doesn’t mean it’s okay for him to become distant WITHOUT communicating what was happening for him. Pay attention to that! It matters and is a yellow flag that could turn to red, if his pattern is to disappear and not communicate. You don’t know that about him for sure yet, but it is strike 1.
He’s also dated other women with kids. Wow! You have a tough situation. Yes, he may have experience with women and kids etc., but it’s an entirely different experience with 2 autistic children and 1 with medical conditions. That is A LOT to manage. Unfortunately, with an absent and unwilling father, that means that any guy stepping into your life would need to be ready to pick up that role. At least he does have some experience though. That’s definitely helpful!
How will i know when the right time to be physical is again? Can i be physical with him and let him know I’m open to casually dating and getting to know each other, but not casual sex? I guess i wouldn’t feel comfortable with him having sex with other women If we are being physical. I really complicated things by sleeping with him too soon i guess. Everyone is so different about this. It really is a personal thing. For me, I need to feel emotionally safe and bonded with the guy. That takes time. I also need to know he is invested in me only and not out and about dating other women. We are in the container of a monogamous relationship. How long that takes? Who knows. Every situation is different. So it’s important for you to get clear about what YOU need in order to open up and feel vulnerable to connect that way. Even though you had sex with this guy pretty fast, that can be a good thing too! You are exploring and learning about yourself right now. There is nothing wrong with having sex quickly…it’s more about understanding and accepting what that choice means. If both people accept and understand it’s a 1 night stand, sex can be great under those expectations. So it’s less about you having sex so fast and more about the mindset about what you wanted from it, that didn’t align with the action. Does that make sense?
I’d love to have that kind of opportunity with this guy to get the same sense for his true personality. While this is very important, I was referring to when HE is under stress, not you. That is one of the truest ways a person’s darkness gets revealed.
i think that only made me more swept up in the moment because he was so considerate. I LOVE that! He really wanted to honor you and respect you, which is important. You decided to go for it, so align with that and own it!
and I’m a little ashamed to say that I do feel very very physically attracted to him, which took me by surprise because it’s always taken me much more to feel very physically attracted to someone and safe enough to match that with chemistry and the desire to take my clothes off in front of them, if that makes sense. I’m curious…what is the “ashamed” feeling about? Do you think you shouldn’t be attracted to him? How come?
Moving forward, I suggest you need to get clear about sex, in YOUR mind. So if you feel like you want to pull back from that for a while, then having a simple, easy conversation about that would be good, since you guys already crossed the line. You could say something like “Listen, while I really enjoyed having sex with you, I feel like I want to put that aside for a bit while we get to know each other. Do you feel okay with that?” And if you get to the point of wanting to have sex again, you can have that conversation at that time and let him know you are not open to him having sex with other people if you guys have sex.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t talk about anything. There is no need to get into “I want to wait 6 months to a year before you meet my kids” kind of stuff. It’s way too soon for all of that. For right now, just keep things light, easy, simple and let him take the lead. Those conversations will naturally come up IF things get more serious with you guys. But until then, your mindset is just having fun together, observing, sharing etc. and taking it slow.
Does this help you know how to move forward?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
Welcome! Oh I am soooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. It really is awful to connect with someone really well and then they start to send mixed messages…it’s very confusing!!! Let’s walk through some of this and I’ll see if I can explain some of what is probably happening.
I had already told him that I’m not interested in casual sex, and he agreed that he didn’t see me that way, but we haven’t ever really had a conversation about what exactly he’s looking for. I’m guessing this is where things got a bit mucked up. This is a mixed message on YOUR side of things. Having sex on date #2 IS casual sex. There is no substance to the interaction. It’s lust, it’s chemistry, it’s a surface connection. You barely know the guy. So for you to have sex on date #2 and then say you don’t want it to be casual…you basically are saying to a guy you barely know…I want a relationship with you and you are it for me. That is moving things along very fast and could easily cause a guy to want to step away thinking that you are one of the “clingy” types. I know he said he didn’t want something casual either, but he is a guy and most guys will say what they need to in the moment so they can have sex. It’s part of their nature.
You also have to consider that you have 2 kids and dating you is something VERY different compared to dating someone without children. A guy has to be READY for a full on family if he is going to date you. That means he is going to be thinking about his finances, his home, his entire life etc. before getting serious with you. It’s a VERY big decision to step into a relationship with you. Because of this, it’s important you take things VERY VERY SLOW! Be extremely discerning. I know this guy looked good on paper. He checked a lot of boxes, but that’s just the first step. What is more important is seeing what kind of man he is in REAL life. One of the most important aspects to watch for, is the kind of person he is under stress. How does he treat you? How does he treat himself? How does he treat others? This needs to be your #1 top priority for what to look for. You have children you have to protect. You have yourself to protect. So taking things SUPER SLOW allows for you to truly get to know someone and see them in all of their light and MOST IMPORTANTLY, seeing them in their dark. I’ve dated guys who were fantastic, but the moment I stressed them out, I saw another side to them that was not acceptable to me. Your heart is sacred. Your body is sacred. When you date, you need to keep that in the forefront of your mind and let that mindset lead you. How you treat yourself is how you teach others to treat you. If you deeply KNEW and FELT your body and heart were sacred, do you think you would have had sex with him?
I’ve done a lot of therapy & a lot of work, but the trauma hasn’t disappeared. I’m curious about this. Why do you think the trauma has not disappeared? If you have done so much work, you should be feeling like you are becoming more and more free from the trauma. It makes me wonder if what you are doing is not the most effective approach. I’m wondering…are you doing talk therapy? Or does your therapist have techniques and methods they take you through to help with the trauma? What other kind of work are you doing? I’m so sorry you had to go through something so awful Lisa. It’s awful AND you are incredibly brave and courageous to work on healing and clearing the baggage of the past. It’s not an easy journey, but you are doing it! It really matters and will greatly impact your life and the lives of your children. Watching my mom fight for her own emotional health, instilled in me to do the same. Good job!
Heidi
Hi Noora,
I akways felt safe with him and this was the main thing I trusted he would never ever do. This is the hardest part about relationships. We feel “safe” and like we can “rest” in that safety with someone and then they break the trust. It’s devastating. The truth is, “safety” and “trust” is an illusion on some level. The truth is, people are wounded and most have NO CLUE how deal with their wounds. That means they are going to break trust more often. That means they are going to cause a lot more hurt towards the people they love more often. The more wounded someone is, the more low self-esteem they have, the more they hurt and that hurt goes out to others. Most are not very aware of this cycle and most people stay asleep to their patterns. That’s why I only allow people into my life who have a high level of emotional intelligence, they have very wise and strong accountability, they have their own healing methods and most of all, they naturally WANT to grow and learn. Does this mean these people won’t break trust? No. We all make mistakes. But it does mean that it happens less often and when it does, they own up to it, they grow from it, they learn from it, they talk about it with me and they fight for my connection. In the end though, there is still no guarantee of anything. People change. So instead of putting all my trust in another person that they won’t “cheat” or “betray” or “talk behind my back” or “criticize” or whatever they do to cause hurt, I instead put trust in myself. I trust in myself that no matter how someone else shows up and no matter how much hurt that causes, I will be okay. I am strong. I am resilient. I am resourceful. I know how to heal. That is where trust and safety belong…WITHIN YOURSELF. Does this make sense?
Same time I’m fighting back because I like my sence of humor and sarcasm, I like that I’m honest and people can trust me, I like that I’m precise, I like that I wont give up so easily, I like that I can say what is in my mind and do not shame my feelings and thoughts. I think I am good mom and I was good wife and I try my best every single day no matter how sick and devestated I am, I go even through the rock if I have to. I knlw I have still learning of choosing my battles I know that. I try to not just like me but love me as well and accept that this is who I am and stop focusing of changing my self so hard. This truly is beautiful. I love that you connect to and see all they wonderful things about yourself. You are a warrior maiden Noora. And in your journey, you will continue to learn and grow. You will continue to develop more and more love for yourself as you go along. It took me MANY years to feel a deeper love and appreciation for myself in a way that changed who I invited into my life and how I moved through the world. It’s a lifelong process, but well worth it. The one thing I deeply realized, especially when it came to “love” was I had to ask the question “Is it loving TO ME to love this other person?” “Is it a kind thing for myself to love this person?” “It is healthy and nourishing FOR ME to love this person?” If you really think about it Noora, the love you have for your husband means it exists without loving yourself. You want to open and offer your very sacred heart to a man who abuses it, rejects it, hurts it and does not respect it. He betrays your heart. He betrays your trust. He does not truly see the value in who you are. So is that really love??? I know it feels like love and you have had many wonderful memories together, but it’s NOT that kind of love anymore. So now that he has left, you have a choice again. You can keep holding onto to this love you feel for him and try and win him back, but is it a loving thing FOR YOU to bring him back into your life? Or…you can open your eyes and see a larger view that although you feel connected to him, he doesn’t value your secret heart in a way that is safe, nourishing, vibrant, connective, open, authentic and healthy. And because he is NOT that kind of guy, you are going to CHOOSE to love yourself MORE THAN this connection you feel with him. This is self-love Noora. It’s a very hard choice sometimes and many times we mess it up and we have to go through the lesson again. So you get to choose again.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Noora! Great to hear from you. Thank you for sharing more and sticking with me! Well done!
One of the many reasons you are not able to let him go, is because of all the stories your mind has created about him. These stories are what trigger your emotions…your pain. Here is a story you created: So it is heard that my man is sad of loosing this kind of relationship but are not sad of loosing me who is real and here You think he is not in pain and therefore it activates pain and hurt in you, each time that thought pops into your mind. Whenever we are trying to heal from a heartbreak, it’s VERY important to identify the FACTS and work with those and NOT the stories. The stories activate low self-esteem, past hurts, have a bunch of lies in them, and cause continued suffering. I have no doubt he is hurting. We all express hurt in MANY different ways. When I was younger, ALL my ex’s said the same thing…you didn’t even hurt when we broke up. Well…I was a VERY good actor. I knew exactly how to behave and what to say so they never knew that I was crying on the inside. So what you THINK you see and observe about him, is NOT TRUE. There is so much you do not understand about human behavior. From my perspective, the fact that he started another relationship with a woman in another country – and lied about it to both of you – and now she has ended things and you see him upset – his choices and behaviors are EXACTLY what someone who is hurting would do. He IS in pain, it just doesn’t look the way you want it to.
And I do not undestand so huge change of heart and I wonder how come I’m not able to stop loving him so fast and so short of time and even after the separation for me it is fresh and pain full. Every person feels their pain differently. It all depends on what you are already holding onto and it also depends on your personality. We are all so very different. What’s important is that you just keep having compassion for yourself and honoring YOUR process and not push yourself. It’s VERY important that you listen to, honor, and support all your feelings that come up. From my experience, pain that is VERY big and lasts a long time because there are past experiences that get triggered and all of those feelings also get activated. I’ve had VERY big reactions to some small events, but I discovered that small event just triggered feelings from my past that I had not cleared away.
But what I can do now every day when I’m not in therapy session when my feelings have not changed even tho I try and I try to move on as well. You have A LOT of work to do, even outside of therapy. You need to re-train your mind along with doing therapy. For example, you have said several times now, that it really hurts because he isn’t fighting for you and that he doesn’t appear to be sad about losing you. Well…what EXACTLY do you do when that thought comes up??? What most people do is let that thought stay, the pain gets activated with that thought repeating itself and then the pain grows and it just keeps looping around and around and around. Re-training your brain means telling yourself a different story to STOP the thoughts that cause the pain. For example, if your thought was “I am not good enough for him to fight for me AND I AM worth fighting for. I am deeply caring, I want to learn and grow, I give everything I have to my partner and I AM LOVEABLE.” So every time a negative thought comes in, you follow it with a positive thought…the truth. That helps to stop the looping of the dangerous, toxic thoughts. That’s re-training your brain.
Of course I want to fight for my self first and I’m willing to do that and that why I’m working my self with meds and with therapy and here and any possible way I can. I am so proud of you Noora!!! I love love love that you are getting help and really fighting for yourself. So many people would have given up, but you didn’t. You are still here and you are learning and you are growing, even though you are still in a lot of pain. Do you have any idea how much courage that takes??? You are very strong and brave!!!
I’m proud that I am able to go to work and I have laughed and I not just in bed crying all day long. I’m proud that I’m taking care of me and my son and manage just fine even tho it is financially very very though. BEAUTIFUL!!! This is re-training your brain and filling it with THE TRUTH. Say these things to yourself all day long. Over and over and over again!!!
I would change the feelings toward him if I could and I would love that they would change. It is not so simple to me like I feel that it have been to my ex. Of course that is again from my poin of you but that is all I got to refelct my behavior and his behavior and I think that tells more than thousend words. And I want to change my behavior it is only thing what I can change. I just don’t know how when the same time my heart just wants him. You are correct…this is only your point of view and not coming from a clear mind. Behavior DOES say a lot more than words BUT…like most things, behavior can be interpreted in soooooo many different ways. I see his behavior as someone who is in a lot of pain. You see his behavior as someone who is NOT in pain. So who is right??? It doesn’t matter really. Neither of us knows for sure, so what is important is to focus on what you DO know for sure. The only fact you need to continue to deal with, is that he wants to move on. He is not safe for you.
Out of curiosity, I imagine your therapist may have talked to you about this already…have you connected the events of your past to your depression yet? You are dealing with A LOT of rejection right now and it seems like you are very familiar with rejection. Did you have a good relationship with your parents or was it difficult?
Heidi
Hi Jamie,
I just thought I’d check in and see how you are doing with the idea of letting this guy go completely. Where are you at with all of this?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
Welcome! I am sooooo so sorry that you have to go through this. It is incredibly difficult to let go of such strong feelings, especially when you have never felt them to that level before. I had 1 breakup like that in my life. The pain of letting go was like nothing I had ever felt before. It felt like my heart was being ripped open. It was even a healthy breakup. It was just time to move on for both of us for really good reasons, so it never made sense to me why it consumed me. Regardless, it’s what showed up for me and I learned that I could recover and heal from something so intensely painful.
You can do the same Lisa. I know it feels impossible. I’m sure you are questioning your choice sometimes.
Would you mind sharing more details? You said you guys talked about it quite a bit. What was his reasoning for having very limited contact with you? I’m also wondering how well you really knew him. It had only been 3 months, but you said he was out of town working a lot, so how often did you actually get to see him in person? What was his response when you said you wanted to end things? What were his thoughts about the relationship with you?
Heidi
It breaks truly my heart that I can do nothing to even start to him notice that I was women of his life and start wanting to fight for me The thing is Noora, this is YOUR perspective and opinion. You are NOT the woman of his life from HIS perspective. And that is what is really hard about love and relationships in general. People end up having a variety of different feelings, thoughts and opinions that differ from each other. No one is “right” or “wrong” as feelings are just one perspective and true for that person and sometimes true for both people. You just never know.
I miss being with him and that when he loved me. I want it back and I could forgive him this time period if he would just would wake up and love me. I know you miss him. There were a lot of wonderful things you guy had together. Unfortunately that is in the past and not true anymore. You want HIM to “wake up” and love you, but you are not even able to do that for yourself yet. You want him to fix this pain you are feeling right now. I don’t blame you. That’s what we all want. It’s much easier that way. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help anyone and is a pattern between couples that eventually will break because it’s unhealthy. If you think about it, everything you are feeling is about you and not him. What if loving you is not healthy for him? I’m not saying it is or isn’t, but the only focus you have right now is on yourself and getting out of pain and you view him as the escape. That’s like a drug…and yes, “love” can absolutely be an addiction. Love becomes an addiction when someone is not able to be okay without it…so they seek it out over and over and over again, either from the same person or a different people and that “need” never goes away except when they get a dose or a “fix” of that love and connection….which only lasts for a short period of time anyways.
The thing is Noora, I’m not hearing you actually interested in trying to help yourself WITHOUT him. It seems like you keep holding onto this story that “if he could just fight for me and if we could just be how we used to be…” and then you would feel better. I’m not hearing anything about what YOU are doing to support yourself. It seems you just want to hold onto the idea of who he USED TO BE instead of really looking at who he is today. He has treated you so poorly, yet if he were to ask to come back and offer a simple apology, you would jump right back into a relationship again, only to be mistreated again.
You are staying caught in what you WISH could happen instead of accepting the reality. He does not want to fight for you. He does not think you are the woman of his dreams. He is not interested in re-connecting. Are you going to keep spending all your energy wishing that reality was different? Or are you going to fight for yourself and help yourself heal by accepting his choice?
I know this is so incredibly hard to accept Noora. Heartbreak is so difficult. I hope you watched the videos I sent you. Hopefully they can help you understand what is happening for you. Allow your heart to break Noora. Cry as much as you need to and hurt as much as you need to AND fight for more in your life WITHOUT him. Fight for your happiness. You can feel joy and happiness without him, but you have to want to do that. You can do this Noora! True self love is finding ways to get some help and heal. Besides, this is what you want to teach your son, right? He is going to have many heartbreaks in his life. Would you tell him to give up on life when he gets rejected? Would you tell him to fight for his love until his dying breath even if the other person isn’t interested? Would you tell him that only way he can feel happy is if he is with the love of his life?
Heidi
I get it. From how you see him at this point, you really thought he was a good guy and cared about you. And that still may be true. I’m sure he does care about you, in the way that he knows how to care and connect. It’s just not the kind of care that works for you. He just operates differently and isn’t really interested, at this point, to deeply invest and be vulnerable.
It doesn’t matter why he is like this, is just matters that he is. In the future, now that you have experienced this, you can decide NOT to get involved with someone who isn’t interested in monogamy or at the very least, a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Those types of guys are draining and rejecting, regardless of how funny, great, or interesting they may be. You have to decide that you love yourself MORE THAN a connection with a man who isn’t able to offer you what you want.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Of course you want to have him back as a husband who cares for you and treats you like gold. I want that for you as well. What I want more for you is for you to fight for yourself. It’s pretty impossible to have a healthy, loving, nourishing connection when depression is part of the picture. There is a general rule I coach people with…You cannot ask something from someone that you are not willing to do for yourself. You want him to fight for you and love you, but you have to fight for yourself and love yourself first. Depression gets in the way of your own self-love, so maybe you would consider really doing a lot of work on yourself and facing all the sadness you carry. Fighting for yourself will make you a stronger partner, a stronger mother and you will get to find joy in so many more things in your life.
For right now, this guy is not for you. He is not the person you want him to be. I’m so sorry Noora. I know that breaks your heart, but I’m hoping that your broken heart will inspire you to keep working on yourself so you don’t end up relying on a man to make you feel happy.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jamie!
I’m glad you are here sharing your situation with us. It sounds quite complicated actually.
I think the main thing I need to know is this…what do you want from him? He is very clear about what he wants. He is going to date and NOT be monogamous. He is a porn addict and he wants to control you and what you are allowed to do romantically. Is all of that okay with you? If you are wanting him to change or you are trying to get him to be different with you, then I would say that is a mindset that will lead you down a path of major disappointment and heartbreak. He deserves to be loved and accepted EXACTLY as he is and so do you. If you guys are not like-minded and on different pages, then it’s important for YOU to honor your needs, accept he is just different and not a good match, and close the door. You know he is emotionally unavailable, so what are you hoping to have happen?
So what if he has been hurt from his past? It’s part of love. Every single person can say that. It’s about how we respond to that hurt that differentiates the amount of baggage someone is carrying in the present. It sounds like this guy has a TON of baggage, is not interested in truly being intimate and wants to design his life to have a lot of choice without really investing. He gets to do that!
The question is, do you want to support and go along with his design? Does his lifestyle align with yours?
Heidi
