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Hi Christine,
Welcome! It really is awful to watch a connection that you really enjoy, slip through your fingers. It’s a very powerless feeling and I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. It’s really hard.
This is a once in a lifetime kind of connection based on more than physical attraction and superficial qualities. We share the same values. Have great communication when we speak and. Have a lot in common. If He Decided to commit to me my lifestyle actually complements his very well. First, I want to address this statement. Why do you think it’s a once in a lifetime connection? With this kind of thinking, it will make you want to go to any length possible to have it, because you don’t believe there is another opportunity for something like this. How come you believe that? I understand a lot of things line up in ways that you never have experienced before, but it doesn’t mean it can’t come along again. No 2 connections are the same of course, so this connection you have with this man, is unique. However, there are other experiences that can come across your path that can be just as powerful, if not even more. So…if you believed that there are other experiences out there where you can feel just as connected, just as loved, just as connected, would you keep fighting for this connection?
Second, while all of those things you mentioned are pretty wonderful, what about his limited side? It doesn’t matter how amazing the connection is or how amazing the person is, if they can’t show up when things get sticky. This guy is showing you that he runs away. He isn’t being honest with you. He would rather just not show up than to have an honest conversation with you. He would rather disconnect than to figure out how to make things work. He says this connection is “unique” but he sure isn’t fighting for it. Whatever he is afraid of, he is using his daughter as an excuse…plain and simple. So…you are dealing with a guy whose fear is much bigger than his desire to love and connect with someone deeply. So what you are looking at here, is trying to fight for a guy whose coping mechanism is to run away, shut down, and become emotionally unavailable. Even if you were to get him back, the next time something scares him, he will do the same thing…he will run, shut down, and leave you to deal with feeling abandoned. This is NOT your fault. So what that he felt things move too fast! An adult would have. conversation, state their needs, talk with you about it and create a different design. That’s what it means to be a team. That’s what it means to work WITH someone through the fears and differences. That’s what it means to stay connected, even when it feels difficult.
So again…I know you feel like he is amazing and you want him back, BUT it’s important to know the kind of partner you are inviting into your life. When the chips are down, he will run. It may look different each time it happens, but in the end, he is not a “teammate” you will be able to rely on.
If you want him back, the best thing you can do right now, is to stay away. When a person’s fear is THIS big, nothing you do or say will change that. His fear needs to subside so he can closer to normal again. He may reach out at that point. But thing to do is NOT reach out. He NEEDS to come to you. That is a really important thing here. I know it’s not fun for you, but if you try and push the connection by reaching out, even if it’s just a “hello,” it could cause him to run away even further. He needs to feel that you respect his choice. He needs to feel safe that he can set a boundary and that you will listen to it and honor it. That’s part of building trust and safety in a relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heidi! Welcome! You have quite the situation going on with a lot of layers. It is so incredibly difficult to feel so bonded with him, while at the same time, watching him to take a step back. There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s work through all the layers.
He has been an AMAZING partner, even with the red flags. He has always been very attentive, affectionate, generous, respectful. I LOVE that you have really enjoyed how he has connected with you. It’s so powerful and healing! At the same time, I WISH that were enough. The reality is, it’s NOT the best parts or the lack thereof, that keep people together. It’s the worst parts. Meaning….it’s who we are in our worst moments, our most stressful moments, that make or break a connection…no matter how amazing it is. I have had AMAZING, powerful, authentic connections, but then our first confrontation occurs and they showed up in a way that was not workable for me. So the relationship ended. I wish this were not the case, but red flags matter Heidi. No matter how great things are, red flags are what causes endings. The red flag that I see here, is that instead of him really being honest with you, fighting for you, and working through his perception that things “changed” WITH you, he decided he needs and open relationship. This guy is running. He is not being a teammate. Instead he is going off on his own saying “I’m going to create what I want and if you want to join, great. If not, goodbye.” How hard has he really tried to explore what’s been missing with you? How much effort has he put in to try and shift things? How much honest and authentic communication has he had with you about his feelings changing? My guess is, very little. This is a guy who is choosing to bail without really trying to work things out with you FIRST. I can understand him coming to this conclusion AFTER making several attempts of repair and not seeing any results. Instead, you have 1 fight and he is out and you are left trying to pick up the pieces and save the connection. The red flag is that YOU are the only one trying to figure this out. You are here asking for guidance. Well done! What is HE doing?? This is what I mean about the worst of us is what breaks the connection. No matter how amazing things are, relationships get hard sometimes. There are BIG challenges that show up and if you guys don’t have a committed like-minded approach to moving through those challenges as a TEAM, then the relationship breaks. Trust is broken. Safety is broken. Then your relationship has nothing solid to stand on. Something to think about.
But he told me a few weeks before he moved out, that things started to feel different. I believe I was putting him under more pressure, not triggering that hero instinct as often and not showing as much appreciation. Like most women do, you are taking responsibility for what happened. If he is relying on you THAT much to feel like a hero and to feel appreciated, then your relationship wasn’t going to last anyways. The truth is, he is responsible for himself. You are NOT responsible for building and sourcing his self-esteem. That’s HIS job. So what that you were putting more pressure on him. So what that you were not showing him as much appreciation. These are VERY NORMAL kinds of ebs and flows of a relationship. His job is to communicate his needs! If he wants something different, then he needs to speak up. It’s not YOUR job to constantly be on alert to make sure things are going well. It’s his job too. What is happening is NOT because you weren’t being as appreciative…he has left and wants an open relationship because there is something in HIM, that is unhappy – and whatever that is, it was there loooooong before you came along.
Now he’s saying he needs a fully open relationship physically (while being closed romantically between just us two) and I am a very monogamous person. I wish I had the fortitude to be open for that. This is definitely showing you he is NOT interested in facing himself. He wants to be able to feely have sex while only bonding with you romantically. He is using sex to fix what doesn’t feel good instead of facing what doesn’t feel good without using sex to feel better. Sex, like drugs, like money, like alcohol, is a quick fix for relief from pain. That’s how addictions form. This design can work as long as BOTH people are on the same page, but I will tell you…research shows it is NOT a successful long term design. You know who you are and that you cannot have a relationship like that, so this is a deal breaker Heidi. No different than finding a partner who doesn’t want kids and you KNOW you want kids. It’s a fundamental, core way of functioning that doesn’t match up. This guy, no matter how amazing he is and no matter how much you love him, does not fit you. You have a non-negotiable – you want monogamy. And because you love him, you want to fight for him anyways. He is who he is and by you trying to fix things, you are trying to change him to match YOUR design – when that is not what he wants.
I don’t know if there is time to fix and mend this. All of the plans we had dreamed up for a future together were wonderful, and he felt like the healthiest companion I have had in my life. I do feel this is a real genuine and deep connection. And I do not want to lose that. Fixing and mending things is only possible if HE is willing to do the work. And he doesn’t seem to be that kind of guy. Even if you figured out how to get back together, what is going to happen next time when things get stressful again? His coping mechanism to create distance. His coping mechanism is to hide from his feelings. That is a fundamental way that he functions and he isn’t interested in changing that. So down the road, you will lose him again. and again. and again. Coping mechanisms NEVER change. They are with us until our last breath. The only thing that changes is how we deal with them. I tend to run as well. I shut off and become distant. But because I’ve done a lot of work on myself and developed a skillset to better handle my emotions…when my system wants to shut down and become distant, I handle myself differently so I don’t cause damage to my relationship. That’s why I’m saying that you will only end right back where you are now, because is not the kind of guy who will do the work to truly see what is driving him to separate and sabotage intimacy. He is not the type to look inside at the baggage he carries and how that is preventing him from feeling safe to connect deeply. He is emotionally unavailable on a deeper level. He obviously offered you some amazing connection for a while, but he reached his limit.
I know you want to repair, but first look at this…you are trying to turn him into YOU. You want him to connect the way you do. You want him to be on YOUR page so things can work. How would you feel is someone tried to do this to you?
Heidi
Hi Ytto!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your very complicated situation. There is a lot to consider, so let’s keep talking through this to see if you can find some clarity and wisdom that feels really good for you.
he was an amazing dad First, by believing his kid is a selfish prick, while in the same breath saying his dad was amazing, is all a VERY small perspective with little to no understanding of what it was like for that family. Obviously, something is amiss. A kid does not turn out this way all on his own. A kid does not want to harm his father for no reason. Something obviously is not okay here. No matter the reason why his son wants to hurt him, it doesn’t change that his dad is part of the equation. I’m so glad his son is getting help. Is your guy willing to go to counseling? He is obviously struggling, and it’s awful to feel your own kid wants to harm you. That’s incredibly tough. Is he willing to get help too? If this is ever going to be healed between them, they BOTH need help.
I’m curious…what did you get upset about? What happened that you suggested that maybe he isn’t ready to date?
His situation is so complicated. Being that you are having a strong response to his challenges and how he is responding to it, it probably is best that you guys give it a break. Being together is causing so much stress that I imagine it’s all just overwhelming and adding to his depression.
How long have you been dating?
Something you truly need to embrace is…you are powerless. You cannot fix his pain. He NEEDS to feel this pain so he can learn and grow and shift what is NOT working. You can support him by holding the space for him to be upset, but that’s about it. Encouraging him to get help, sending articles or videos that may offer advice that could help him, asking him what he needs…those are the simple things you can do, but in the end…you cannot fix his pain. Accepting he has some really big things to face in his life, means a lot is either going to change for the better or get worse in his life and YOU need to decide whether that is someone you want to invite into your heart. He is going to be a mess for a while and what is REALLY good for you to see, is HOW he handles stress. It’s an amazing window into what he will be like when he has stress with you. Is he someone you want to go through difficult times with? Is he someone you feel would be a great partner you can rely on when things get hard?
Heidi
And when shared my idea with my coach, she was quite surprised that i had found a way to USE my feelings instead of outright just rejecting them as ‘not mine’. Yes, this is quite the popular approach to feelings…”It’s not yours! it’s other people, it’s ancestral, it’s…..” While there is a lot of truth in that, what is a deeper truth is that whether that thought is coming from someone else or it is mine, it’s activating me. One thing I will do, is “refuse” the thought and send it to God. If I feel instant relief, I know it was from someone or something else. If it’s sticky, then I have more work to do. I will NEVER forget this one time about 15 years ago, I was out walking my dog. We came across this woman in the front of her yard, who wanted to pet my dog. We had a short conversation and I moved on. I instantly noticed I felt upset…stressful and contracted kind of energy in my body. I started thinking…”Is there something I’m upset about and I don’t remember?” My mind searched and searched and searched for something these feelings could be connected to and I couldn’t find anything. Then all of a sudden I thought….”do your refusals.” I have 3 prayers I use to disconnect and refuse energies and after going through them, all that tension and upset was immediately gone. I knew I had “picked up” something from that woman. Ever since that moment, I am much more diligent about going through my prayers and then seeing what’s left over.
But, with God, it becomes SO EASY because he can already see everything and i don’t need to explain anything to him, so … OH, i LOVE exploring with God! Right??? All you have to do is ask for help and then stay open and watch the treasure hunt unfold 🙂
OMG! i absolutely LOVE this! Because you just triggered me! lol 😀 i can’t STAND the thought of ‘mothering’! i would never, ever, ever ‘mother’ myself. So you still are struggling with “mother.” Interesting! Since it’s a sticking point for you still, maybe you can identify it as “divine feminine” energy instead of using the “mother archetype.”
And this is actually what concerned me — underneath my ability to care about people, AM I a cold dead person? How did i go from feeling compassion towards her to becoming SO COLD towards her in a space of just a few weeks? Is it possible that this would happen with others too? Like my children and JB? IF so, what can i do to prevent it from happening with people i truly care about? Also, how can i tell the difference between when i ‘truly’ care about someone and don’t truly care – as it turned out with her? There was obviously something that was different because i felt no remorse about walking out of her life. There is a lot to unpack on this one.
Are you a cold, dead person? No. BUT…not feeling…being numb…is a protective mechanism. It’s a “wall” that is soooooo strong because it holds A LOT of trauma, lies, programs, stories etc. I used to be numb ALL THE TIME. So if I am not feeling something, then I immediately know there is something BIG that got activated within me. I typically don’t feel numb anymore because I’ve done so much healing work. I did go numb when my last dog died in 2022. He was the LOVE of my life and losing him was sooooo painful, I couldn’t feel. I thought I would end up crying several times a day, but when I noticed I couldn’t even do that, I KNEW my “numb” mechanism had been activated and I better start working on it.
You went from compassion to “cold” because you felt you needed to protect yourself from her. You are labeling it that “you don’t care” but it’s actually the opposite. You DO care, but you are putting up a HUGE wall to not care. It’s a defense mechanism because your system believes it has to “defend.” That mechanism can happen with anyone. When you find yourself NOT caring, that’s a flag to pay attention to within yourself. A healthy, clear version of “not caring” would look like holding space for both you and the other person and having NO reaction. Basically, feeling defensive or not caring IS a reaction. It’s not neutral. Over caring is also an over-reaction and not neutral. If you are anything BUT neutral, that is a sign that you have been pulled out of your center, divine knowing truth. Neutral is where you want to get yourself too. Neutral is indifference. Neutral is recognizing they have their story, you have your story, neither really matter – all that matters is that you are going to honor yourself and move on.
Here is a super simple example that may explain my point. Imagine someone coming up to you and saying “Oh! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blond hair!” Of course you are going to wonder if that person is colorblind or believe something is “off” if they see your hair as blond. You, KNOWING your hair is dark and are 100% aligned with that, you wouldn’t engage in their thought that your hair was blond. They could tell you 100x that you have blond hair, but it wouldn’t even cause you to budge, because YOU are clear. There is nothing they are saying or doing that is going to change your KNOWING that you have dark hair. You don’t have a need to engage, defend, talk the other person into believing YOU…you just stay neutral, so the healthy response is being completely okay that they believe your hair is blond. It doesn’t matter, right? Who cares! That’s the type of reaction that is neutral…indifferent…there is NO engagement on YOUR end with their story. You are 100% okay that they have that story. You don’t feel you need to spend any time trying to defend YOUR belief that your hair is dark. You don’t need to go numb. You don’t need to try and change them….you are just neutral. The ONLY reason we are not in neutral, is because whatever someone else says or does, we absorb it and take it personally and that pulls us into engaging with them. Does this make sense?
HOWEVER, i allowed myself to feel sorry for her and wanted to help her as much as i could. So, when she said, “Oh, i wish we could get started sooner…etc…” i thought – what harm would it do? SO i agreed to go for a few hours the same week. This is you engaging with HER story. This is you not being okay with her pain and her process. Whenever you “feel sorry” for someone, that is you joining them in their pain story and trying to rescue them on some level…which in essence is you robbing them from rescuing themselves. She is wanting YOU to do for her, what she is not willing to do for herself. So this is an example of you being pulled out of your diving truth that her process, her path, her pain, her life are between HER AND GOD and not for you to fix or rescue her from. That’s the truth. So imagine if you were 100% okay with her being in pain and feeling desperate. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. You can have compassion for her process, BUT you don’t get pulled into the need to fix it somehow…that’s when you are no longer neutral. So you ended up betraying yourself, in order to “rescue” her from her struggle. This is how I typically make my decisions when it comes to “helping” others. It’s easy to become co-dependent for a “good cause” and meet the needs of another at the expense of our own. So the moment I can feel myself wanting to help, because I “feel sorry” for them, I immediately stop myself. It’s damaging. So instead, I get my head on straight and make the decision from the place of “Is this for the highest good of both me and them?” I ask myself “What energy am I in service to? Rescue? Empowerment? Chaos? Support?” Identifying what I am getting out of this helps me see if I am actually deciding from a place of harmful over-functioning or a place of wisdom and clarity.
Not feeling remorse. That is GREAT! That just means you have clarity about your choice. You aligned with what was best for you and left her to figure out how to rescue herself. Well done!
i take the side of ‘children’ by accepting their story as fully true. BUT i also don’t tear down the other staff. I tell the kids that what happened to them was unreasonable. But i also show them how easy it is to BE unreasonable when you have x, y, or z going on in your life. A bunch of them have taken to watching how i handle situations. How about NOT taking sides. The moment you “take sides” is the moment you make someone right and good and someone bad and wrong. When the truth is, everyone is right and wrong. Everyone has a perspective. Even with my closest, best friends, if they are upset with someone, I of course validate their experience first, but eventually help them connect to a greater truth BEYOND them being “right.” The greater truth being…the other person is wounded too. The other person is limited too. So…what YOU do to support and nurture yourself out of this pain AND accept and understand their choices. Instead of viewing situations as right or wrong, which is VERY reductionistic, like I said…it’s a treasure hunt. THAT is ALWAYS the truth. There is ALWAYS something to be gained from the losses of every moment we are triggered.
Instead, i ask them questions that i’ve asked myself countless times in order to dig into myself. So, although it seems like a random conversation in which i’m interested in them, i’m making them dig into themselves. is that sneaky? lol 🙂 You are soooooo good at this!!!!
So, if i were having a conversation with one of those mean women, i wouldn’t at all judge her actions. You wouldn’t judge her in person, but you feel okay judging her right now? This is interesting. Tell me more about this!
Heidi
Oh my goodness! Sooooooo much to talk about and explore, so lets see where we travel to 🙂
But i still haven’t figured out what the threat was! How do i figure that out? the reason i want to know exactly what i was guarding is because i want to know WHO my Guard Dog allows in! IS there a place that i’m not allowing ANYONE into? IF so, what is that place? Is it a wounded place? IF it is a wounded place, i want to know what the wound is so i can pull it apart and let it heal. Ugggghhhh! I’m soooo so tempted to just answer this for you, as I have a strong idea about this. But…instead I’m going to take you through the process I go through and teach and maybe it can help you on this journey. I liken this journey to a “treasure hunt.” Something happens that triggers you and THAT trigger, is the beginning of the treasure hunt, if you accept your “mission.” 🙂 So first thing’s first. BE PATIENT! That’s really hard sometimes, but trusting that the journey is JUST AS VALUABLE as the core answer you are looking for. So keep your eyes open and make sure you appreciate and value the flowers, the new perspectives, the new feelings etc. along the way. Okay…now about the treasure hunts. Here is some direction: Whenever we get triggered, especially to higher levels of intensity, it’s an instant sign that something from our past, a network of low self-esteem has been activated, so you looking for that “belief” that is sourcing that network is your goal. The best way to identify what that belief is, is to pay attention to your looping thoughts. When we get triggered, our mind will loop around certain words, faces someone made, tones of voice etc. We don’t loop around the entire event…our brain latches onto small moments. THAT’s the target. That’s where you can begin your treasure hunt. Once you identify the looping thoughts about the event, you identify the feeling that goes with it. Anger. Hurt. Abandonment. Judgement. Criticism. and so on. Those feelings are being activated because they are familiar and are what’s sourcing your the network that got triggered. So then you can ask…where have I felt this before? Who in my life has made me feel like this a million times? And if you have trouble, what I ALWAYS ask is “Okay God. Show me the truth about my feelings. Show me the truth about what is being triggered within me.” And then I just leave it and let it percolate and stay open for the answer whenever it chooses to arrive. But in the meantime, moments like what you had, are the most precious, most valuable, most powerful moments for you to build self love. So as the woman not only rejected you, she tried to obliterate your character. Before even starting your “treasure hunt” the most important thing you can do, is to connect with that little girl energy that got triggered and YOU love her. So I will say things like “I know that hurt. But I want you to know that I choose you. I love you. I am with you always and we are team and we will get through this. You are worth loving, you are worth knowing, you are so valuable to me. I got you!” So I’m being the “mother” to myself in a moment where someone else emotionally vommited all over me. And it’s those moments, where we have the opportunity to love and support ourselves, in the face of rejection, that self-love truly grows. I am actually in the process of creating an in depth, online course on this topic specifically. I hope these ideas can bring you closer to what you are looking for. I have a million other ideas, but it’s too much to type out and can be overwhelming without all the other information that goes with it…hence the course I’m creating. let me know if you want explanation.
But how badly do you have to be damaged yourself that you can turn around and be mean to a bunch of little 7 year olds who had absolutely nothing to do with your wounds? in my opinion, they have absolutely NO EXCUSE for passing on the abuse that they themselves received. Children are little! no matter how nasty and annoying they are, you do not shred their dignity! what defense do they have left when you destroy their personhood?! Let’s look at this from a different lens. This is true for everyone who survives trauma. Their relationship with pain is MESSED UP! For me, I completely shut down and went numb emotionally. For others, they might over identify with pain and use it to get attention and compassion from others. Everyone is different in how they express their pain in the world, but what’s makes us all the same…is that we ALL have a reaction that causes harm to others – whether we are conscious of it or not. So…those teachers most likely had no clue what they were doing and the damaged they caused. Those teachers, NOT connected to their own pain, would never have the ability to connect to the pain they were causing in the children. Think about it…if they truly used those children as a mirror to their own behavior, they would then have to pay attention to the YEARS of pain they were carrying…and they would have NO skillset or understanding or support to be able to open Pandora’s box like that. So…in an effort to survive, they have to NOT care about the pain they caused. This is not about making and “excuse” for their behavior. It’s more about understanding their behavior so that you CAN activate your compassion instead of judgment and criticism (something that NEVER feels good, as you just experienced from that disabled woman).
i think i just got my answer! they did what they did because they HATE the fact that they themselves have no dignity left and when they see these beautiful little children who are still mostly whole under their care, they can’t stand the fact that they are no longer beautiful themselves! This is a bit of a stretch. While all of it may be true, you are operating under the assumption that they are consciously aware of any of this. As you know…most people are walking around completely blind to themselves, not connected to the truth, their pain, their wounds – and they just keep walking around like zombies, causing harm, because they truly don’t know any different. To change, that would mean they would have to start to wake up and most people, DO NOT have the strength or support to go on a treasure hunt like that.
BUT — i can’t find any compassion in my heart towards such women. even if i know that they were abused themselves and had a hard life. The compassion comes from you connecting into the pain they had to go through to become an abuser themselves. You know pain Vino. You know the damage that was caused by how others treated you. If you stopped for a second and imagined seeing one of those teachers, having an abusive, alcoholic parent who beat her, demeaned her, stripped her of every shred of dignity she had, criticized her and so on…are you telling me you wouldn’t have compassion for a child going through that? Yes, she may have grown up to become an abuser herself AND there is still compassion to be felt about how she was created in the first place. It doesn’t mean you accept her choices…it just means that you understand where she came from, put down your judgmental, criticism sword, and send her love and ask that God magnify the light within her. That’s my approach that helps me find the peace in the center of the chaos that dark creates.
I fully agree with this. I used the Disabled Lady as a mirror for myself and checked to see all the ways in which i was like her. Well done! Look at how much stronger you have gotten.
i need to CHOOSE to be reliable — which causes me to examine how i make that choice of when to be reliable and when not to care?! SO — there ARE inconsistencies in me. This is interesting. This sounds like integrity to me. If you are not entirely a reliable person, that means that you don’t follow through on what you say you are going to do. And if you say yes, when you really want to say no, then you are not having integrity with yourself first and foremost. I know for me, I didn’t have much integrity in what I said, and it made sense once I started my treasure hunt on that topic specifically. Now, I’d say it’s one of my strongest qualities.
Then, i decided i’d whined long enough and if i could stand up for others, i totally had the ability to stand up for myself too, and didn’t need to wait for anyone else to speak up for me. i am totally worth defending, and i’m not even ashamed of myself for taking my own side against a disabled woman. lol 🙂 Yes! I love that you feel in your integrity about your choice! Something I would suggest down the road….you engaged with her quite a bit, explaining your choice and defending your choice. When you reach a point where you are 100% aligned with your truth, there is no explaining or defending. You just say what your choice is, and move on. The moment you enter into defending or explaining yourself, that’s the moment you engage in “battle” with the other person – which is a symptom of trying to help the other person be okay with your choice, which ultimately shows you that you are not quite 100% yet. When you are 100% aligned, you are okay with the other person’s challenge WITHOUT explaining anything. So next time, you just say “Here is my 2 weeks notice” and that’s it. No discussion. No explaining. No defending. If the person you are giving your notice to, is kind and caring and compassionate and SAFE to share your thoughts with, then of course share! But you explained and defended your choice to a woman who doesn’t care about you. You were vulnerable with someone who is dangerous and verbally abusive, which just opened you up to be harmed. Thoughts on this?
But there’s no unity between us, because our goals oppose each other. To her, her own well being is important, and to me, mine is more important. She couldn’t understand why i felt like i was giving up mine in order to prioritize hers You are looking at unity from a very small perspective here. You both are EXACTLY the same, just coming from different ends. You BOTH were fighting for the same exact thing…YOURSELF!!! That is where the unity lies. You both had the SAME EXACT AGENDA and that makes you united in your purpose. Unity is not just about likemindedness. True unity, is accepting the person in front of you is operating the best they know how, they have wounds, they have limitations, they laugh, they spread joy – all things you do as well. Unity does NOT mean joining forces…unity is about being able to see pieces of you in them – the dark and the light – and finding that agape love – that compassion – that understanding for who they are. Unity is MUCH bigger than having commonality.
if i get myself more in alignment with him, i will find unity with others who are also drawing closer to Him. And i AM curious to know how God loves each of us. i tried really hard to see the disabled lady through a lens of love, but i just couldn’t So are you saying you cannot find unity with another person who – in your opinion – is NOT drawing closer to God? Just like you said earlier, she was a mirror to you. So if you cannot find love or compassion for her, then you also are not finding it for yourself in your own pain and limitations, right?
Man…that was A LOT! We shall see how all of this lands on you 🙂
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
I’m glad to hear that you found someone that is more like-minded! It’s so helpful to be able to have some comparisons to help you learn what works and doesn’t work for you.
As like-minded as you guys are, make sure you take things slow! When you really like someone, it’s very normal to think about the future with that person, so it’s important to make sure to keep yourself grounded and be discerning.
Remember, you truly don’t know someone until you see them in their worst, most stressful moments. You want to make sure that in those stressful moments, he is still respectful to you, himself, and anyone else involved. If you can’t feel safe around him or with him, then no matter how amazing the connection is, the relationship will fall apart. When looking for love, that is the first thing I guide people in looking out for.
The biggest mistake people make, is to allow their feelings to lead them into a connection and that connection feels so good and causes them to ignore all the red flags…as you already have experienced with the last guy. So make sure you stay closely connected to yourself, pay attention to the red flags, LOOK for the red flags and stay discerning. Of course, have fun as well. It’s about having a good balance between enjoying the process while also staying aware of the sticky points and not fully opening up your heart until they have earned it from you…and that takes time.
When are you meeting him in person for the first time?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Thank you for sharing more of your experiences with him! Let’s keep talking this through…
I have the occasion to prove to him that I’m for him by behaving adequately on Christmas and the years around New Year because some friends from another town came to visit. I’m curious about this. What EXACTLY does it mean for you to behave “adequately”. What did he want you to be like that “prove” you are the woman for him?
he doesn’t want to see me as I am truly am! This is so incredibly difficult! The thing is Diana, you are fighting for a guy that you call “the man of your dreams” all the while feeling like he doesn’t actually truly see you or know you. He things and believes things about you that are not longer accurate. So…is this what the man of your dreams treats you like? It sounds like the man of your dreams was who he was in the past and he is not that way anymore. It sounds like what you are fighting for and wanting, is the OLD version of him and you. And that’s the challenge here. Who he used to be is gone. He is NOT that person anymore. You are getting upset that he is not seeing you for who you are TODAY and he is holding onto the past, but that is also exactly what you are doing to him. You are holding onto the past and not embracing what is right in front of you TODAY.
He says that fights like ours are unheard of, that we’re not compatible if we fight. Really? Everyone fights! You are correct. Every fights and it’s quite normal. However, it’s HOW people fight that is destructive and toxic. So I’m guessing that is more the issue here. Tell me about what your fights were like. How would you treat each other when you were fighting? How would you talk to each other?
He doesn’t want to see the positive aspects of our relationship. I’m so sorry. This is so hard when someone isn’t able to see the good. The thing is, he gets to only focus on the bad. This is the kind of guy he WANTS to be. So…I’ll ask you again…does the “man of your dreams” behave this way? Does the man of your dreams only focus on the negative? More and more, from what you are telling me, he is actually not the man of your dreams. When you first met him, he felt like that, but it’s not who he is anymore and that is where you are getting tied up and feeling so hurt.
He now sees me as the root of all his problems and doesn’t want to see that. This is not him and he never was. He’s manipulated into thinking I’m the monster making him angry and mad. I am not. You are right! It’s NOT your fault that he is so angry. It makes me sad that his therapist could possibly be making things worse. The thing is, he is NOT able to handle a relationship right now. If he is going to blame you for HIS anger, then that is incredibly dangerous and toxic to any relationship. I wish there were a way for you to be able to help change his mind, but from everything you are telling me, he still has a lot of work to do on himself AND you guys are not getting along well. There is nothing to fix, if he isn’t willing to take responsibility for some of this. Does the man of your dreams point the finger at you and blame you for his anger?
Diana, the man of your dreams will fight for you. He is kind. He will be respectful, even when you guys are fighting. He will NOT point the finger at you. He will NOT put ultimatums on the relationship like “If you behave adequately, then maybe we will stay together.” This guy sounds quite confused and that it’s better he is NOT in a relationship right now.
Heidi
Hi Diana,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it’s incredibly challenging to watch the love of your life, slip through your fingers. The wonderful thing about our hearts, is that even when it’s broken, it CAN be healed.
I have a few things to share and hopefully they will help shift your perspective.
First, let’s talk about this:and I’m sure I can be the woman of his dreams I want to invite you to let go of this idea. Basically, you are saying “I believe I know what is BEST for him, more than what he thinks is best for himself.” The only time this is true in a relationship is a parent/child kind of connection. This is basically saying you DON”T trust his process, you DON’T trust his choice, and that you are right and he is wrong. Operating from this mindset is what will instantly cause him to put walls up against you…as it would for anyone. It’s a believe that DOES NOT honor him, respect him, and it disempowers him.
Instead of operating from that idea, you want to operate from this mindset: “I want him to be happy, even if that means he is not with me. I trust his choice. I trust his process. I respect that he knows what is best for himself. I honor that even though he sees things differently than I do, what he sees is true FOR HIM.” When you have this kind of mindset, you are honoring and respecting him instead of constantly trying to control the outcome and change his mind…which in essence is you telling him he is wrong.
I know it may seem counter to what you think, but a STRONG woman, an INDEPENDENT woman, a CONFIDENT woman is able to honor and respect her man’s choices, while NOT losing herself. Instead of spending all your energy trying to change HIS mind so you can feel better, focus on making yourself feel better on your own. What he is feeling from you, is that you don’t know you will be okay without him. So if you want to be the kind of woman he is actually looking for, it’s showing him that you know how to take care of yourself. That even though you love him, you will honor and respect his choice and let go. THAT is what confident woman does.
It sounds like you live your life by trying to please others. That is a typical co-dependent type of pattern: “Meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own.” So you chose to stay depressed so you wouldn’t lose your connection with him. You made HIS needs more important that your own mental health. Basically, every person is more important that you. And that’s where it can become really toxic for you and sabotage connection.
Nothing is working because the underlying issue is not the mistakes you made, but the REASON you made those mistakes in the first place. When you live your life according to what other’s want, you have lost yourself. How can he ever know who you truly are, when you don’t know who you are. You say: I know I am all that but your actions do not portray that. I have no doubt there are parts of you that believe that, but when it comes to relationship specifically, fear is running your life. Depression has taken over your system which just tells you how much you have not cleared from your past…and it’s built up enough that the “drains and pipes” of your emotional system are so clogged that you cannot function in your life in the way you are want to.
So instead of focusing on trying to get him back so you can feel better, how about letting him go and focusing on stepping back into your power. Develop your self-love. Heal from whatever happened in your past. Empower yourself. THEN…maybe he will circle back around again and you guys can have a completely different experience. And if it’s not him, it can be a new guy who truly values and appreciates your strength.
One of the fastest ways to build respect with this guy is by letting him go. That will instantly communicate to him that you respect and accept his choice…which is a BIG deal. You can say something like “I’ve learned a lot about myself since we broke up. I really heard you when you said you wanted a strong, confident woman and I am seeing how I am not like that. I know it’s in me, but I’m seeing how it’s buried underneath the baggage I’m carrying around. Anyway, as much as it breaks my heart to let go of the love I have for you, I know you are doing what is best for you and your happiness – and that is what matters most to me. And it’s also helping me realize where I was not the best partner and what I need to do become better. So…I’m going to start by honoring and accepting your choice. I’m not going to try and change your mind anymore. It hurts, but it’s my hurt and not for me to put onto you to fix…” THIS kind of approach will SHOW him your strength, will cause him to feel respect you and will definitely help lower his irritation. BUT….if you say something like this, you have to mean it. And he will know you mean it, because your actions will support your words. That means no more crying in front of him – no more pleading – no more trying to get him to stay – no more anything. Let him go.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I think a support group is an excellent idea and I didn’t know they existed for those who don’t have the illness. Absolutely there are support groups. They exist for those who have the disease as well separate groups for the “supporters” or “caregivers.” You guys need just as much help and support as anyone!
In my mind it looks like letting go of what was so important for 30 years…FAMILY This has already happened.
Sometimes I think he would be fine walking away and never looking back. This could happen. He is already walking down a similar path like that right now. Who knows where he will end up. He will either continue to get worse, as his body worsens or he will come back to his senses, stop running, and come back and face this with you. If he decides to continue to walk away…he gets to do that. This is HIS process. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not he values you. Like I have already said…pain and a death sentence will throw someone into a tail spin where they completely lose themselves. Those that are more fragile emotionally, don’t handle it well and go off the deep end so to speak, like what he is doing. His emotional fragility has NOTHING to do with you. That has to do with the thousands of choices he has made in his life to run away from his feelings, his pain, his past, his wounds etc…things that were all there even before you met him.
I think it could truly cause him to have a breakdown. If he gets taken advantage of and ends up having a breakdown, that could be the BEST thing that happens. I know this is hard for you to understand and you want to rescue him from his pain, but pain is the best chance at him changing directions. Pain is a motivator. Pain inspires growth like nothing else. Think about addicts. They typically get help when they reach rock bottom and there is nowhere else to go. They don’t want to die, so the only way out is to finally get some help. This is no different. Right now, he is not at rock bottom and the level of pain he is in, is causing him to still run…and he will face the consequences of that choice – it will catch up to him at some point. The thing is, the pain NEEDS to catch up to him if he is ever going to change directions. His pain tolerance is so high, so he is able to take on a lot. So…as life does..it will keep dishing it out until something else major happens to get his attention. If he keeps running, something else will happen and so on. So rescuing him from the pain is the worst thing you could do for him.
As a mother, you KNOW that sometimes, it is so important for life to teach your kids. You can tell them until you are blue in the face “Don’t date that guy/girl. They are bad news and will break your heart. But they will still do it anyways, because they NEED to go through the experience, FEEL the pain and learn from it. As a mother, you have to accept that you cannot rescue or protect your kids from the pain that life naturally brings. Your ex is the same. You cannot rescue him. You need to step back and let him feel the FULL extent of his choices.
I think you are right, I won’t be able to say no. I obviously love him, but he is the father of my kids and I need to support the family. You say this, but then you say this: If I stepped in, I fear anger and resentment over what he did to me and our family. I think trust would really waiver and I deserve someone who believes in their wedding vows and doesn’t run. So which is it going to be? He already is running. He already broke his vows. You say you deserve someone who believes in their vows, yet you are continuing to support him who is doing everything that you KNOW will cause you to feel resentment and anger. And this is where YOU are messy and not clear.
I know it’s complicated AND it’s really simple in the end. In the end, if you keep on this path of continuing to put all your focus on him, hoping he will eventually change, then you will feel resentment and anger..but it won’t be his fault. It will be your design, because you CHOSE to continually betray your needs in order to support him.
You say you need to support your family. What does that mean in your mind? Your family is already broken. He has left. Your kids are hurting and struggling with him as well, but that’s just part of their process as well. So what exactly do you think YOU specifically need to do to “support” your family. Your kids are adults. They can take care of themselves. So what “support” are you assigning as your role in the family?
Are they dates if they are completely platonic? What I truly want is my family back together and for him to realize the mistake he has made. So many people around us have spoken about the amazing team we were and how much love there is between us. I want to help him navigate his diagnosis and I do want to support him. Last fall, when everything happened, it was me he turned to because he knew he could count on me and I would support him. The boundaries are complicated. I’m going to get a bit more tough with you here. What you want is not going to happen. What you had is in the past and has been destroyed and will never be the same again. It seems like you are in denial here about what is happening. It seems like you keep waiting for him to wake up and realize what horrible decisions he is making and how much he is ruining his life and how valuable you really are to him. You are in suffering Lisa, because you don’t have BOTH feet fully grounded in the reality. The reality is, he is gone. He broke your family unit, he does not value you in the way you want because he is consumed by his own problems. This is the reality for TODAY and you keep fighting against that. That is where suffering comes from…when we are not in acceptance and we keep hoping and pushing for change and it doesn’t happen. There is NO INDICATION at this point, that he plans on changing his ways. Let him go Lisa. Letting go does not mean that down the road you guys can’t come back together. Letting go just means you accept what is…for TODAY. With all of that being said Lisa, it doesn’t mean that things won’t change in the direction your beautiful heart wants. No one knows…not even him. So because the future is unknown, all we can deal with, is the present moment and the information we have IN THE MOMENT. And that’s where peace can be found. When you accept that TODAY, you are divorced, he is running, he is dating, you are not his person anymore and you cannot control his choices…then you can let go. And when you let go…that is truly where the magic happens. That is truly where peace can be found. That is truly where freedom from the suffering can be found.
I know that may be hard to grasp, but what I will tell you…is what you are doing and how you are thinking about this whole situation…is not working. You are in so much pain, but you are looking for relief from that pain by trying to find a way to change HIM….and that is something that doesn’t work. He is an adult. He gets to make his own bed and lay in it and you cannot stop him. You are not going to find relief this way. So why not try a different approach. Why not try letting him go? Why not try fully and completely accepting his choice? Why not try letting him fall as far as he needs to, in order to let life have the opportunity to teach him?
I know I may across quite harsh. I want you to know Lisa, I KNOW that everything I am saying is easier said than done. I know it’s complicated. I would never wish on anyone to have to face what you are facing. Your entire world is being stripped of everything you felt was secure and wonderful. I have had some intensely painful strippings like that myself and it will take you to your knees. What I do know, is that I finally started to heal when I accepted what I was facing. I got help, I continued to grow and learn and heal and I fought for myself, because that was the only thing I had control over. I was powerless as my world came crashing down in ways I never thought possible. So…I had to let it fall. AND…because I chose to finally accept and move forward, I got to rebuild my life. I got to create a new version of myself that was even stronger and more resilient. Just like a city that gets wiped out by a hurricane and nothing is left, people are faced with choices. They cannot have back what they once had. They can only look forward and make 1 choice at a time to build again.
Heidi
it seems EVERYONE, including men, have fallen to the place that the women were. I really love your spirit Vino. Most people just say the prayer and do not connect to what it really means. And your exploration of the word “unity” and what it meant to you, is a great beginning!
I’m not saying I understand what it means, as with anything…we all will interpret the meaning of something according to our lens. For me, unity could hold the level of connection you described, for sure. And I’m with you…no way in a million years do I want to unite with just anybody. We all have our healthy standards and discernment.
When it comes to what Jesus might have meant, from how I personally have understood it, was that we are all united through God…we all come from the same source…we all are made in the “image of God.” So how does that translate? For me, it translates by understanding that when I judge or criticize another, I am judging and criticizing myself as well. When I love another, I am loving myself. There may be different colors, different cultures, different beliefs, different everything…but we are united even from the simple fact that we have 1 thing in common…we are all human living on earth….and that gives us all something in common that makes us united. From a spiritual perspective, we are united because we all have God within us, whether we believe it or not. We all have that divine spark of light where we came from, which makes us united by being part of something much bigger than ourselves. We are family. So for me, the spiritual meaning of unity is more from the largest viewpoint vs. the human/egoic meaning of unity is reductionistic. Just like love, there is the most advanced spiritual form of love…agape love, but then once you place love in the hands of the human/ego perspective, it changes the frequency of love which means love has many levels and perspectives. Does this make sense? Not sure if it gives you more to think about or not. I’d love to hear your journey with this one. It’s always interesting!
Oh that’s really challenging what JB had to endure. I have no doubt that those female teachers probably grew up in abusive, neglectful homes and were not strong enough to break the cycle. I have found that many people who grew up feeling powerless in their lives, end up in jobs where they get to have “power over,” trying to compensate for the amount of powerlessness they feel. And of course, those kinds of people just continue the cycle and cause a lot of damage. I love that he shared himself with you. It’s good for him!!!
So, when i moved — i let go of 7 to 8 boxes of yarn and several boxes of patterns as well! Oh wow! Well done! You asked yourself some great questions and really got to the core root for yourself. If only everyone approached attachment in the same way! We would have a very different world. Isn’t it interesting how the limitations your parents placed on you, caused you to get EVERYTHING when you got to the U.S.? That’s why I explore all of my decisions, searching for the core root energy/program/belief that is sourcing a desire, choice, behavior etc. That’s what helped me become quite masterful at reading the subconscious signals within myself, as well as others, so I was able to “read between the lines” so to speak. At first, it was more of survival mechanism I developed, because I could tell what I should REALLY expect compared to what people were presenting to me. Now, it’s just a skill I have and I don’t need to use it to “protect” myself from getting hurt anymore. I have no doubt you have developed that type of understanding as well. People always ask me, “How did you know all of that from the little I told you?” As if it’s magic somehow….but all it really is, is I know myself on such a deep level and in the end, we are all the same. So as I know myself, I know you too. Maybe that’s part of the unity concept as well.
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
Welcome!
I’m so sorry you are being treated like this. It’s incredibly confusing and frustrating and hurtful. It’s the hardest part about dating.
I want to invite you to really think about something.
We teach people how they are allowed to treat us by saying yes or no to how they interact with us. With that in mind, if you truly believed your heart, your body, your energy, your laughter, your connection were a gift…were sacred….were valuable…and you treated yourself that way…do you think it would matter “why” he is behaving this way? Nope. All you would care about is that he is NOT treating you in a way that makes you feel valuable and respected and you would disconnect, because it’s not acceptable to you.
So the question here is more about you and not him. What is happening inside of you, that you want to chase after a guy that isn’t treating you well? If he is like this within the first 3 weeks, then what do you think the next year will look like?
Healthy men are attracted to women who have standards and respect themselves and do not compromise on how they are treated. So…do you want to love and care for yourself, or do you want to chase after a guy who clearly does not value you?
I know this question appears simple, but what complicates it is the chemistry and connection you felt. You had hope for this guy and you want more of him, because connecting with him felt amazing. But connecting with him is also hurtful too..and it’s only been a few dates. So…are you willing to let go of he connection and honor that you need something different than what he is willing to offer? And if you do want to continue to chase after this guy, how come? Do you believe it’s not possible to find another guy who you have chemistry with and who has nothing stopping him from wanting to know every part of your being?
The last thing I want to say is that dating a guy long distance always increases the risk factor. I have seen this sooooooo many times and it’s so sad. A guy will go online and connect with women further away, because he already has a wife or girlfriend. He has the skillset to know how to open up a woman emotionally, which leads to her opening her legs, and then he goes home and no one ever knows. He becomes distant and inconsistently available. Then he will swoop back in and connect and get what he wants and then leave again..rinse and repeat as long as the woman allows it. And no one ever knows because the women he is connecting with are far enough away so he can keep everything hidden from everyone.
Just to give you a little window into the mind of some men. There was a book written a while ago by a man (I believe a reporter) called “The Game.” He ended up becoming part of this “underground” kind of group of men where they were taught how to get whatever they wanted from women…mainly sex of course, but the journey was more of a game. He got out of the group and wrote the book and exposed all their “secrets.”
On a deeper level, it was more about teaching men manipulation, conquering, subtlety, and the art of winning. Here is a small example. Let’s say a guy is at a big after party following a concert. He sees a group of 4 women and picks his “target.” He is taught to go up to those 4 women, start a conversation and talk to every single girl EXCEPT the one he wants. He ignores her. Why? Because this separates her out. He makes her feel isolated and ignored, which VERY NATURALLY will activate her need to want to join and to want to connect EVEN MORE with him, because he is the one isolating her. AND IT WORKS!!!! He keeps her in scarcity until he knows he has her attention enough and then he swoops in and makes her feel “special” after completely rejecting her. This feeling is so powerful, that she ends up in his arms, his bed or whatever the guy has planned for her.
Here is something that is sooooo IMPORTANT for you to understand about yourself Brittany. As a woman, we are completely WIRED to connect. It’s in our nature. We are designed to be the relationship caretakers. We are the nurturers and connectors. Men are the providers. I’m speaking in general terms here and what is instinctual, not about how a relationship should function. My point being, a group that teaches men that, KNOW a woman’s soft spot is her need to connect and that by rejecting her, the need to connect will grow 10 fold. Men know how to play with that beautiful, natural, instinctive gift of the feminine. I have known about this concept for decades and have watched it in action more times than I can count, both being done on me and watching it happen to other women. What’s even more crazy is that even when I KNEW those techniques were being used on me, IT STILL WORKED!!!! I’ve been fascinated with this phenomenon ever since. What I eventually came to realize was the missing piece – lived within the woman. There are MANY MANY layers to this, but at the core, the reason this technique works, is because the woman is not fully connected to her value. She is extremely uncomfortable being rejected, because her need to be chosen is so high. Her need to be chosen is so high, because she carries a lot of low self-esteem, most likely caused by a lot of rejection, hurt etc. in her growing up years. I know that is very true for me and has been for all the women I have worked with over the years. We end up giving our power away to a stranger, just to be chosen. And being chosen means everything…and that’s the mis-alignment. We have to choose ourselves. We have to be okay NOT being chosen. We have to be okay being rejected by a guy who doesn’t value us in the first place. We have to love ourselves so deeply, that we don’t compromise how we are treated, even if that means feeling rejected by someone. Self love NEEDS to be soooooo much stronger than our need to connect. And that’s a tough one for most women. I finally reached that place, but not without a lot of personal work, forgiveness, and fighting for more in my life.
I’m not saying this guy is conscious or aware of what he is doing and I’m not saying this guy has a woman at home. The odds are not in his favor though. Regardless, none of that matters, because the only thing that matters here…is you and the kind of guy you want to invite into your world.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
My heart goes out to you. You are watching your entire world fall apart in ways you never thought possible. He has changed and getting a slow death sentence will do that to someone. I know it’s so shocking to watch this man you have known for decades, to turn into the kind of person he is right now. That’s why there are a lot of support groups for degenerative diseases. Have you ever thought of looking for anything like that to help support you as you navigate this?
I know it’s strange to be around him right now and you are not sure how to act or what to expect, because he is quite unpredictable right now and he is a new version of himself at the moment. That’s why boundaries FOR YOU are really important. You obviously cannot control what he will be like, but setting some boundaries YOU feel comfortable with, can help your system at least have some idea about what to expect. Boundaries like: “I don’t want to know about your dating life.” That is NOT appropriate for him to be talking about that part of his life with you or with his kids. I can’t tell you what boundaries you need to create for yourself, as that is something only you can answer. What I can tell you, is that supporting him in every way possible, at the expense of your own well-being and at the expense of your heart…damages YOU. You think you can take it and for right now, you can, but it is waring on you in ways you are not even aware of. Who is supporting you? Who is helping you through this? Who is teaching you about what to expect? Who is guiding you through the loss of your life? Who is helping you stay clear-minded? It’s completely natural to want to help rescue and support the man you love, through this crises. The thing is, he doesn’t want your help. He chose the path of divorce and he is choosing further destruction as he is running away from what his body is doing.
I am terrified of him losing himself and giving up. Let’s go a little deeper here. What do you think would happen if he “gave up?” What does that mean in your mind? What does “giving up” look like?
I fear him being taken advantage of. So if he gets taken advantage of, then what? What do you think will happen to him if a woman uses him for his money?
From a selfish point, I fear him coming to his senses and realizing a lot of people might not want to deal with his condition and I don’t want to be the backup plan. This is about you, not him. You have a choice in this one. If you do become his “back up” plan, it’s only because he believes that is possible. You get to say no. You get to set boundaries as to how you are treated and what you will participate in. So…maybe you are afraid that you won’t be able to say no to him if he comes and asks for your help? And let’s say you are the backup plan…then what? You decide to step into that role and help him. Then what? What are you afraid will happen next?
I understand you saying We are not on the same page but it would be so much easier if it was black and white. How do I choose to help myself when I feel like he is so confused? I wish it were black and white as well. Dealing with people and their stress responses are the furthest from black and white as you can get. It’s layered, circular, and can be so confusing and hurtful. You choose to help yourself by LETTING HIM be confused. It’s normal for him to be confused. He has new identity he has to create for himself. He is facing the hardest thing he has ever had to face in his life. You cannot stop how he handles it. You cannot help him be more clear. You cannot help take the pain away for the loss of his body. You cannot rescue him from this. You are completely focusing on HIS experience and wanting to rescue him, that you are abandoning yourself and YOUR needs, as if you don’t matter in all of this. You are hurting too. You are dealing with not only the loss of your husband, the loss of your family unit, the loss of your home, you are also facing the idea of losing him to a disease and having to watch him suffer and it’s only going to continue to get worse. So…you ask how do I help myself? By allowing your pain and your struggles to exist as well. By creating boundaries as to how you connect with him. He is not available to you anymore. He is so consumed with HIS world, and is not connected nor caring about how his choices are affecting you…and you are allowing yourself to be treated that way by listening to his match.com stories. You are going on “dates.” You are spending a lot of time together and still bonding, but also watching him walk away and keeping a wall up. So…what do YOU want? And what you want, cannot be about what you want from him. He is who he is right now and maybe he will be like this until the end…who knows. You have to deal with the present moment. So given who he is, given that he is shutting you out, given that he is dating, and given that he has no plans of changing any of that, what do YOU want?
Heidi
Oh! I wanted to also ask you…I’m curious…how do you feel towards women these days? For quite a while, you had an instant need to protect yourself from them and you struggled more with women compared to men. So I’m wondering where you are sitting with all of that these days.
If i do contribute to changes in their lives and they go on to use that to affect those in their lives differently — oh wow! What a wonderful thing that would be!!! 🙂 This is truly beautiful Vino. You have so much more access to your heart compared to when you first joined the forum. Everything you have done and worked towards is working and I’m so honored that I get to witness that! And I love even more how you sharing it in the world.
the world of love is a beautiful place, isn’t it?! wow. you learn so much about yourself in there! Oh man! I could talk about this for hours!!! From my perspective, love uncovers and shines a light on things within us, that only love can reveal. It is one of the most sought after, powerful forces in existence that activates both the dark and light within each person who interacts with it. In my opinion, it is also one of the most mis-interpreted forces. I love how much you have explored it, learned about what a powerful teacher love is and that you are always open to it, whatever form and shape it may take. You are quite accepting and I would have to say, that is one of the biggest struggles that the majority of people have. Well done!
I also gave away every last bit of furniture and i have absolutely nothing right now. I have lived like this before! I gotta say…there is something so freeing by not having “stuff.” There is also something so beautiful by having a home filled with “stuff” you love. Every level has beauty in it. Sure, it may not be guest friendly, but who cares. If someone can’t deal, then you get to learn something about them and their struggles, right? I personally could care less about whether a house is guest friendly…except I am not a fan of hanging out somewhere that is dirty or messy or where there is so much stuff that you feel crowded. That causes me so much stress! LOL. I used to help people organize their homes as a side gig when I was in my 20s. I LOVE LOVE LOVE organizing and am very good at it. I was FASCINATED with the psychology of people who filled their houses to the brim. This one woman owned a multi-million dollar home in La Jolla CA. and it was gorgeous on the outside, but inside…HOLY SMOKES!!!! She has over 1000 magazines she held onto because “there was an article in it she might want to read.” Yikes! I got fired from that job. She couldn’t handle letting things go. On my last day, we were in her kitchen, facing this pile of stuff she hadn’t moved in a couple of years, in the middle of her kitchen island. As we were slowly uncovering everything that lived in there, I came across a Jack-In-the-Box plastic head that you could stick on top of the antenna on your car (I’m dating myself here. LOL) I promised her I would never throw anything away without her permission, so I held it up and said “trash?” and she said “no! no! no! I want to keep that!!!” in a very desperate voice. I asked her what for, and she said she had whole box of them in her garage and she might want to use it someday. I pushed a bit more to get rid of it, but eventually had to let her have what she needed. Later that night she called and said she couldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t surprised and I felt so sad for her. The attachment that can happen with “stuff” can run soooooo deep for some people. People who have the “hoarding” type of energy are dealing with the “womb” affect. In a very general explanation of this, the womb is the last place they really felt “safe” and “protected” in their lives, so they essentially end up, very unconsciously, creating a type of “womb” with their homes by have a VERY small space to move around in. Does this make sense? I know this is kind of off topic, but being the kind of explorative person you are, I thought you might find this idea interesting.
It sounds like you and JB are still quite undefined other than being a “very important person” in each other’s lives. I love that! He IS quite special for you and always will be. I have no doubt that he loves you in return, in the way he knows how. You are sooooooo good for him too! The level of connection, love, and acceptance you have offered him, I’m sure has brought so much peace and healing to his soul…especially considering his job and how much darkness he sees in humanity. What a light you are!
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
I am soooo so sorry you are having to feel this. It’s so difficult to feel rejected and used. I’ve had many of those moments.
I’m going to give you a more objective view point of what he said and what I am guessing he meant. He triggered you, so you are going to see what he said through a wounded lens. Maybe what I see, can help bring a different perspective.
My guess is, the “onslaught of texts” more meant that HOW you said what you said, felt like an onslaught, not necessarily the 3 texts. You have a very strong energy and how you communicated your feelings had a critical tone to them, so I’m guessing the “onslaught” was more about the energy coming across those texts that made him feel like that.
Let’s address the “Haven’t felt a connection” part of his text. First, what people say and mean, especially over text, can be completely confusing. There definitely was some type of connection that he was willing to be intimate and he was willing to hang out a few times. His actions showed you there was something there.
So, if I hadn’t sent him those texts, he’d have continued sleeping with me, knowing he felt zero connection at all, and knowing how much I liked him and how vulnerable i was. You don’t know this is true. From the little you shared with me about what he was texting, he seemed like a guy with 1 foot out the door and he wasn’t sure whether he was going to step all the way in or step out completely. That’s where time comes in. I’m sure he was just waiting to have more interactions with you, to gather more information and see where the chips were going to fall. That’s what dating is. He doesn’t seem to be that sleezy kind of guy who just uses a woman for sex only. If he were that guy, he would still be connecting and not have ended things. He knew how you felt about him, he knew he could have sex with you, so he would know he could continue using you…IF that were the kind of person he was. But it just doesn’t feel that way with what you have shared so far. I could be wrong of course. But what you DON’T want to do, is create a whole story about what would have happened if you hadn’t texted him. Deal with the facts and what you DO know. He DID feel a connection with you, but it just didn’t sustain.
My guess is, how you communicated your feelings when he didn’t behave the way you wanted him to, was what squashed the connection so soon. Even if you said everything differently, it also doesn’t guarantee that the connection would have lasted. What I always come back to with dating and relationships is this….when there is an ending, whether it was caused by me messing up or them, I trust that an ending needed to happen. I’ve dated enough and coached dating for so long, that I have found this to be true. Endings happen, because they need to happen and many times for reasons we will never see or reasons we will connect to down the road. Sometimes, people are not the best match, regardless of chemistry or interest. I can’t tell you how many times, in hindsight, I was so relieved things ended with a guy “pre-maturely.” Over time, I learned to just trust the process. As people, we are all so messy and confused, especially when it comes to love, so each experience helps shine a light on what is working, what doesn’t work, where we are messy, where we shine – and hopefully we are better at relating with our next experience.
So Lisa…you have a choice. You can direct all your anger at him and focus on how pitiful you feel – OR – you can take all of those feelings and comfort yourself, love yourself, and be GENTLE with yourself. Dating is a tough school. You will never make it if you tear yourself to shreds every time you get messy or rejected. Have compassion for what you have been through. Be gentle with the time it takes for you to learn. Have kindness towards yourself for your limitations and “not knowing.” You are incredibly hard on yourself. How you treat yourself and talk to yourself is how you will end up treating others. The critical voice you have towards yourself, leaked out onto him. It will continue to leak out in subtle, small ways onto others, if you don’t shift how you treat yourself. Here is a concept I always keep in the forefront of my mind: “I cannot offer others, what I don’t have in myself.” If you are not able to be kind, gentle, accepting, compassionate and loving towards yourself when something doesn’t happen the way you need or want, you will not be able to offer the same grace to others. Your love and acceptance of limitations, different perspectives, different habits, different wounds that leak out onto you…is essential if you want to have a healthy, nourishing love, so you need to start with yourself first.
You are carrying so much hurt. Have you ever thought about working with an expert who can help you move all that pain out of your system? You can heal. You can release all that baggage and then you will be much more clear as you move forward and dating will be soooooo much easier. Just a thought.
Heidi
