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Hi Noora,
I akways felt safe with him and this was the main thing I trusted he would never ever do. This is the hardest part about relationships. We feel “safe” and like we can “rest” in that safety with someone and then they break the trust. It’s devastating. The truth is, “safety” and “trust” is an illusion on some level. The truth is, people are wounded and most have NO CLUE how deal with their wounds. That means they are going to break trust more often. That means they are going to cause a lot more hurt towards the people they love more often. The more wounded someone is, the more low self-esteem they have, the more they hurt and that hurt goes out to others. Most are not very aware of this cycle and most people stay asleep to their patterns. That’s why I only allow people into my life who have a high level of emotional intelligence, they have very wise and strong accountability, they have their own healing methods and most of all, they naturally WANT to grow and learn. Does this mean these people won’t break trust? No. We all make mistakes. But it does mean that it happens less often and when it does, they own up to it, they grow from it, they learn from it, they talk about it with me and they fight for my connection. In the end though, there is still no guarantee of anything. People change. So instead of putting all my trust in another person that they won’t “cheat” or “betray” or “talk behind my back” or “criticize” or whatever they do to cause hurt, I instead put trust in myself. I trust in myself that no matter how someone else shows up and no matter how much hurt that causes, I will be okay. I am strong. I am resilient. I am resourceful. I know how to heal. That is where trust and safety belong…WITHIN YOURSELF. Does this make sense?
Same time I’m fighting back because I like my sence of humor and sarcasm, I like that I’m honest and people can trust me, I like that I’m precise, I like that I wont give up so easily, I like that I can say what is in my mind and do not shame my feelings and thoughts. I think I am good mom and I was good wife and I try my best every single day no matter how sick and devestated I am, I go even through the rock if I have to. I knlw I have still learning of choosing my battles I know that. I try to not just like me but love me as well and accept that this is who I am and stop focusing of changing my self so hard. This truly is beautiful. I love that you connect to and see all they wonderful things about yourself. You are a warrior maiden Noora. And in your journey, you will continue to learn and grow. You will continue to develop more and more love for yourself as you go along. It took me MANY years to feel a deeper love and appreciation for myself in a way that changed who I invited into my life and how I moved through the world. It’s a lifelong process, but well worth it. The one thing I deeply realized, especially when it came to “love” was I had to ask the question “Is it loving TO ME to love this other person?” “Is it a kind thing for myself to love this person?” “It is healthy and nourishing FOR ME to love this person?” If you really think about it Noora, the love you have for your husband means it exists without loving yourself. You want to open and offer your very sacred heart to a man who abuses it, rejects it, hurts it and does not respect it. He betrays your heart. He betrays your trust. He does not truly see the value in who you are. So is that really love??? I know it feels like love and you have had many wonderful memories together, but it’s NOT that kind of love anymore. So now that he has left, you have a choice again. You can keep holding onto to this love you feel for him and try and win him back, but is it a loving thing FOR YOU to bring him back into your life? Or…you can open your eyes and see a larger view that although you feel connected to him, he doesn’t value your secret heart in a way that is safe, nourishing, vibrant, connective, open, authentic and healthy. And because he is NOT that kind of guy, you are going to CHOOSE to love yourself MORE THAN this connection you feel with him. This is self-love Noora. It’s a very hard choice sometimes and many times we mess it up and we have to go through the lesson again. So you get to choose again.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Noora! Great to hear from you. Thank you for sharing more and sticking with me! Well done!
One of the many reasons you are not able to let him go, is because of all the stories your mind has created about him. These stories are what trigger your emotions…your pain. Here is a story you created: So it is heard that my man is sad of loosing this kind of relationship but are not sad of loosing me who is real and here You think he is not in pain and therefore it activates pain and hurt in you, each time that thought pops into your mind. Whenever we are trying to heal from a heartbreak, it’s VERY important to identify the FACTS and work with those and NOT the stories. The stories activate low self-esteem, past hurts, have a bunch of lies in them, and cause continued suffering. I have no doubt he is hurting. We all express hurt in MANY different ways. When I was younger, ALL my ex’s said the same thing…you didn’t even hurt when we broke up. Well…I was a VERY good actor. I knew exactly how to behave and what to say so they never knew that I was crying on the inside. So what you THINK you see and observe about him, is NOT TRUE. There is so much you do not understand about human behavior. From my perspective, the fact that he started another relationship with a woman in another country – and lied about it to both of you – and now she has ended things and you see him upset – his choices and behaviors are EXACTLY what someone who is hurting would do. He IS in pain, it just doesn’t look the way you want it to.
And I do not undestand so huge change of heart and I wonder how come I’m not able to stop loving him so fast and so short of time and even after the separation for me it is fresh and pain full. Every person feels their pain differently. It all depends on what you are already holding onto and it also depends on your personality. We are all so very different. What’s important is that you just keep having compassion for yourself and honoring YOUR process and not push yourself. It’s VERY important that you listen to, honor, and support all your feelings that come up. From my experience, pain that is VERY big and lasts a long time because there are past experiences that get triggered and all of those feelings also get activated. I’ve had VERY big reactions to some small events, but I discovered that small event just triggered feelings from my past that I had not cleared away.
But what I can do now every day when I’m not in therapy session when my feelings have not changed even tho I try and I try to move on as well. You have A LOT of work to do, even outside of therapy. You need to re-train your mind along with doing therapy. For example, you have said several times now, that it really hurts because he isn’t fighting for you and that he doesn’t appear to be sad about losing you. Well…what EXACTLY do you do when that thought comes up??? What most people do is let that thought stay, the pain gets activated with that thought repeating itself and then the pain grows and it just keeps looping around and around and around. Re-training your brain means telling yourself a different story to STOP the thoughts that cause the pain. For example, if your thought was “I am not good enough for him to fight for me AND I AM worth fighting for. I am deeply caring, I want to learn and grow, I give everything I have to my partner and I AM LOVEABLE.” So every time a negative thought comes in, you follow it with a positive thought…the truth. That helps to stop the looping of the dangerous, toxic thoughts. That’s re-training your brain.
Of course I want to fight for my self first and I’m willing to do that and that why I’m working my self with meds and with therapy and here and any possible way I can. I am so proud of you Noora!!! I love love love that you are getting help and really fighting for yourself. So many people would have given up, but you didn’t. You are still here and you are learning and you are growing, even though you are still in a lot of pain. Do you have any idea how much courage that takes??? You are very strong and brave!!!
I’m proud that I am able to go to work and I have laughed and I not just in bed crying all day long. I’m proud that I’m taking care of me and my son and manage just fine even tho it is financially very very though. BEAUTIFUL!!! This is re-training your brain and filling it with THE TRUTH. Say these things to yourself all day long. Over and over and over again!!!
I would change the feelings toward him if I could and I would love that they would change. It is not so simple to me like I feel that it have been to my ex. Of course that is again from my poin of you but that is all I got to refelct my behavior and his behavior and I think that tells more than thousend words. And I want to change my behavior it is only thing what I can change. I just don’t know how when the same time my heart just wants him. You are correct…this is only your point of view and not coming from a clear mind. Behavior DOES say a lot more than words BUT…like most things, behavior can be interpreted in soooooo many different ways. I see his behavior as someone who is in a lot of pain. You see his behavior as someone who is NOT in pain. So who is right??? It doesn’t matter really. Neither of us knows for sure, so what is important is to focus on what you DO know for sure. The only fact you need to continue to deal with, is that he wants to move on. He is not safe for you.
Out of curiosity, I imagine your therapist may have talked to you about this already…have you connected the events of your past to your depression yet? You are dealing with A LOT of rejection right now and it seems like you are very familiar with rejection. Did you have a good relationship with your parents or was it difficult?
Heidi
Hi Jamie,
I just thought I’d check in and see how you are doing with the idea of letting this guy go completely. Where are you at with all of this?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
Welcome! I am sooooo so sorry that you have to go through this. It is incredibly difficult to let go of such strong feelings, especially when you have never felt them to that level before. I had 1 breakup like that in my life. The pain of letting go was like nothing I had ever felt before. It felt like my heart was being ripped open. It was even a healthy breakup. It was just time to move on for both of us for really good reasons, so it never made sense to me why it consumed me. Regardless, it’s what showed up for me and I learned that I could recover and heal from something so intensely painful.
You can do the same Lisa. I know it feels impossible. I’m sure you are questioning your choice sometimes.
Would you mind sharing more details? You said you guys talked about it quite a bit. What was his reasoning for having very limited contact with you? I’m also wondering how well you really knew him. It had only been 3 months, but you said he was out of town working a lot, so how often did you actually get to see him in person? What was his response when you said you wanted to end things? What were his thoughts about the relationship with you?
Heidi
It breaks truly my heart that I can do nothing to even start to him notice that I was women of his life and start wanting to fight for me The thing is Noora, this is YOUR perspective and opinion. You are NOT the woman of his life from HIS perspective. And that is what is really hard about love and relationships in general. People end up having a variety of different feelings, thoughts and opinions that differ from each other. No one is “right” or “wrong” as feelings are just one perspective and true for that person and sometimes true for both people. You just never know.
I miss being with him and that when he loved me. I want it back and I could forgive him this time period if he would just would wake up and love me. I know you miss him. There were a lot of wonderful things you guy had together. Unfortunately that is in the past and not true anymore. You want HIM to “wake up” and love you, but you are not even able to do that for yourself yet. You want him to fix this pain you are feeling right now. I don’t blame you. That’s what we all want. It’s much easier that way. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help anyone and is a pattern between couples that eventually will break because it’s unhealthy. If you think about it, everything you are feeling is about you and not him. What if loving you is not healthy for him? I’m not saying it is or isn’t, but the only focus you have right now is on yourself and getting out of pain and you view him as the escape. That’s like a drug…and yes, “love” can absolutely be an addiction. Love becomes an addiction when someone is not able to be okay without it…so they seek it out over and over and over again, either from the same person or a different people and that “need” never goes away except when they get a dose or a “fix” of that love and connection….which only lasts for a short period of time anyways.
The thing is Noora, I’m not hearing you actually interested in trying to help yourself WITHOUT him. It seems like you keep holding onto this story that “if he could just fight for me and if we could just be how we used to be…” and then you would feel better. I’m not hearing anything about what YOU are doing to support yourself. It seems you just want to hold onto the idea of who he USED TO BE instead of really looking at who he is today. He has treated you so poorly, yet if he were to ask to come back and offer a simple apology, you would jump right back into a relationship again, only to be mistreated again.
You are staying caught in what you WISH could happen instead of accepting the reality. He does not want to fight for you. He does not think you are the woman of his dreams. He is not interested in re-connecting. Are you going to keep spending all your energy wishing that reality was different? Or are you going to fight for yourself and help yourself heal by accepting his choice?
I know this is so incredibly hard to accept Noora. Heartbreak is so difficult. I hope you watched the videos I sent you. Hopefully they can help you understand what is happening for you. Allow your heart to break Noora. Cry as much as you need to and hurt as much as you need to AND fight for more in your life WITHOUT him. Fight for your happiness. You can feel joy and happiness without him, but you have to want to do that. You can do this Noora! True self love is finding ways to get some help and heal. Besides, this is what you want to teach your son, right? He is going to have many heartbreaks in his life. Would you tell him to give up on life when he gets rejected? Would you tell him to fight for his love until his dying breath even if the other person isn’t interested? Would you tell him that only way he can feel happy is if he is with the love of his life?
Heidi
I get it. From how you see him at this point, you really thought he was a good guy and cared about you. And that still may be true. I’m sure he does care about you, in the way that he knows how to care and connect. It’s just not the kind of care that works for you. He just operates differently and isn’t really interested, at this point, to deeply invest and be vulnerable.
It doesn’t matter why he is like this, is just matters that he is. In the future, now that you have experienced this, you can decide NOT to get involved with someone who isn’t interested in monogamy or at the very least, a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Those types of guys are draining and rejecting, regardless of how funny, great, or interesting they may be. You have to decide that you love yourself MORE THAN a connection with a man who isn’t able to offer you what you want.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Of course you want to have him back as a husband who cares for you and treats you like gold. I want that for you as well. What I want more for you is for you to fight for yourself. It’s pretty impossible to have a healthy, loving, nourishing connection when depression is part of the picture. There is a general rule I coach people with…You cannot ask something from someone that you are not willing to do for yourself. You want him to fight for you and love you, but you have to fight for yourself and love yourself first. Depression gets in the way of your own self-love, so maybe you would consider really doing a lot of work on yourself and facing all the sadness you carry. Fighting for yourself will make you a stronger partner, a stronger mother and you will get to find joy in so many more things in your life.
For right now, this guy is not for you. He is not the person you want him to be. I’m so sorry Noora. I know that breaks your heart, but I’m hoping that your broken heart will inspire you to keep working on yourself so you don’t end up relying on a man to make you feel happy.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jamie!
I’m glad you are here sharing your situation with us. It sounds quite complicated actually.
I think the main thing I need to know is this…what do you want from him? He is very clear about what he wants. He is going to date and NOT be monogamous. He is a porn addict and he wants to control you and what you are allowed to do romantically. Is all of that okay with you? If you are wanting him to change or you are trying to get him to be different with you, then I would say that is a mindset that will lead you down a path of major disappointment and heartbreak. He deserves to be loved and accepted EXACTLY as he is and so do you. If you guys are not like-minded and on different pages, then it’s important for YOU to honor your needs, accept he is just different and not a good match, and close the door. You know he is emotionally unavailable, so what are you hoping to have happen?
So what if he has been hurt from his past? It’s part of love. Every single person can say that. It’s about how we respond to that hurt that differentiates the amount of baggage someone is carrying in the present. It sounds like this guy has a TON of baggage, is not interested in truly being intimate and wants to design his life to have a lot of choice without really investing. He gets to do that!
The question is, do you want to support and go along with his design? Does his lifestyle align with yours?
Heidi
Hi Moe!
Thank you for sharing more of your personal story. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. It’s heartbreaking. It’s awful to have your own child try and ruin you. It sounds like his experience in the military really messed him up. I’m glad you have your sister to live with. I know it’s a super tough situation though. I can understand why you feel like your life is a mess and how it would be amazing to have a man come along and help.& the 1 that finally comes along that I could work with, walks away over a misunderstanding so feeling empowered isn’t really a main concern of mine. What IS a concern of yours then?
There’s plenty of reasons to hate these phones. I get it. Everything you said is very true. AND…the opposite is also true as well. There are thousands and thousands of stories where people reconnected, people have fallen in love, people have raised money, people have saved lives…all because of a cell phone. Technology is no different than money. Money itself is not the cause of anything, it’s the people and how they relate to money. We cannot live without money. Now…we cannot live without technology. It’s embedded in our society and there is no way to get away from it. So…maybe think about not hating cell phones, but instead stay open to the possibility of all the good it can bring into your life as well. I’m not saying you need to change your behavior…I’m just encouraging you to look at technology and the FULL picture. Instead of blaming the phones, look at the people instead. It is an addiction for sure and it’s been set up to be like that and it makes me sad. It’s going to take many decades to figure out how to find the balance with this new tool.
It was nice to have a conversation with someone that didn’t turn into a 5 yr old when they didn’t like what they heard. I get it! I know this feels like a breathe of fresh air for you. So many people these days are quite reactive and have very little tolerance for opinions other than their own. I’m glad you got to experience this with him. Unfortunately, you also got to experience his 5 year old from a misunderstanding.
I know that statistically if a woman has never been married by the time she’s 40, there’s only a slim chance that it’ll ever happen so the fear seems legitimate. Throw this statistic out the window. It’s just a number, like any poll, like any statistic, like any probability. Life is soooooo much more than any numbers gathered by some people. Every person has a journey to take and what shows up in their life, is what it is. The truth is…anything can happen at any given moment, any given second – both positive and negative. We are powerless to prevent or change any of it. We just get to deal with what shows up in the best possible way we know how. So if you ever get to fall in love or not – who knows. Your choice lies within each moment and how you want to experience it. Personally, I want to feel peace, joy, contentment, supported, loved and empowered – with or without a guy. So the decisions I make or don’t make, support what I want to feel. And in that, it means even in loss, betrayal, sickness, abandonment, abuse etc – even under the worst conditions, I choose to find my way back to my center. I forgive. I focus on what I DO have. I relish in every little moment of beauty, whether it’s a flower, a sunrise or animals being funny. I keep using my skillset to continue to clear stressful emotions. What do you want for your life? Tell me about the kind of life you want to design for yourself (that doesn’t include a man).
If everybody had someone out there that would love them for who they were, the books, videos, & websites like this wouldn’t exist. It just doesn’t work for some people. While this may be true, it wouldn’t be a very human experience now would it? Let’s look at the possible big picture here. If growth is what we need, then how do we grow without the challenges? Life is all about duality. We wouldn’t know light without dark, good without bad, love without hate and so on. The gazillion books, programs and all that stuff out there all holds pieces to a puzzle. What’s the puzzle?? Happiness, peace, contentment, joy etc. I’ve learned throughout the 30 years of being in the health and self-help industry that what works is different for everyone. It all just depends on the person, the methodology, the timing and so many more things we are not even aware of. So all we can do is just keep following whatever inspires us. Eventually that will fade and something else comes in. I just encourage people to stay open and follow where their heart takes them. It’s all a very unpredictable journey.
None of it phased him at all. It didn’t trigger, stir, or awaken anything. It was just yeah I don’t hate anyone, I got my own problems so no offense, I had to unplug myself. So it doesn’t matter now. He checked out. I’m so sorry Moe. I know there were parts of him that you truly enjoyed. It sounds like you made a really beautiful attempt to re-connect and that whatever is happening for him, is bigger than his need to stay connected. It’s not your fault. This is HIS baggage that was there long before you ever came along. He is not set up emotionally, to allow himself to feel deeply happy, in love and vulnerable. It’s quite the challenging thing to feel these emotions. It always requires facing fears and dealing with what comes up and many people are just not equipped, know how or are interested in doing that. I wish the techniques had worked on him, but it sounds like he is more invested in keeping his walls up. This is good you know this now before you really started to invest in a future with him. He would have been a VERY challenging partner on many levels. It still doesn’t change that you miss him and have to deal with the hurt of losing him. I’m so sorry Moe.
Heidi
Hi Noora,
I just wanted to check in. What are you thoughts about what I shared? What are you doing to help yourself right now? What kind of support are you setting up? Any new updates on your situation?
Heidi
Hi Moe! Thanks for sharing more! This is all so great! There is a lot to talk about.
I wouldn’t mind having a rescuer right now, I feel like a mess! I’m curious. What makes you a mess? I get that feeling of not minding to have a rescuer. To have someone you get to feel supported by and feel like a team is really wonderful. AND…if you want that internal strength, the ability to be resilient, the ability to feel truly happy…you need to go through this alone. Having someone come along and “rescue” you, just enables you vs. you figuring out how to do what you need to do, on your own. I’ve learned to build a community of people around me, that I can ask at any time for help. I set myself up where I am not relying on just 1 person to help me, I have several. And you know what? I love it! And so do the people! I used to feel the way you do, but now, I feel so supported and I feel 100% confident that I can do my life on my own – WITH the help of all the different people around me. So although I’m single right now, I am far from alone. I have A LOT of people who “rescue” me in moments of need. Maybe consider building those kinds of relationships instead of wanting a guy to come along and be the main rescuer.
If they just want to, well, have at it then. Again, I would be wary of any guy wanting to come into my life and “fix” things for me, rescue me or take care of me. No thank you! That is unhealthy thinking and disrespectful and dishonoring to you as a woman and as a person.
I really do try to follow the golden rule so I blame myself for acting on emotion when I know better. I get it. We ALL do things that we know is not the smartest thing to do. Lord knows, I know better than to react with high emotions, but every once in awhile, it still happens. It just means we are human. Forgive yourself and let it go. You apologized and there is not much more you can do. If he is not able to forgive your humanness and quickly cuts out, then yikes! He definitely won’t make it very far in any relationship.
I mean, people have married for reasons other than love & wound up growing on each other & made it work. True! Absolutely! People have married for a variety of reasons. Like I said before, as long as both people are on the same page, then any type of “marriage” or agreement can work. That could absolutely happen for you too Moe. However, it sounds like that it not truly what your heart wants. From what it sounds like, you want to be in love, you want a healthy, vibrant, nourishing relationship that you feel safe in. Yes? No?
In reality, I’ve spent many years living in this very small town waiting for “the one” believing the fairy tale that everybody has a soulmate out there. Now I’m close to 50 yrs old, have a hard time finding makeup that won’t settle in the fine lines on my face that’s now thinning, lost my cute body after a total hysterectomy, wasn’t that pretty to begin with(not downing myself, just being real & have other qualities so I’m good), my cooking is fair, I don’t like going out, I have to walk my dog in middle of the night so he doesn’t try to rip somebody’s face off, I have to raise my glasses & squint to read fine print, Even with all of this Moe, you are still lovable. The “right” guy will have eyes for you, JUST AS YOU ARE. I know this current guy is tempting because you don’t feel like you have a lot of options and at least you felt wanted with your changing body. (Just FYI…I love Pure as a makeup line http://www.100percentpure.com). Those are NOT reasons to fall in love though. It’s basically using HIM to make you feel better about yourself instead of going through the process of loving yourself, just as you are – which is the most difficult, yet most empowering journey you could ever take. So what do you want? Do you want HIM to love you so you can feel better about yourself, or do you want to figure that out yourself and stay empowered?
I don’t carry my phone around with me & don’t feel the need to even check it which seems to piss off everybody but I don’t care. This is a tough one. These days, we can’t get away from how people function. The reality is, that people connect through cell phones and you being unreachable, will automatically cause people to not reach out. So if you want to build more of a community around you, if you want to build more friendships, maybe consider carrying your phone around more often. Or find a way to compromise somehow. I’m curious, what is your resistance to having your cell phone with you?
I’m friendly but not bubbly & nobody in my family or among my friends seems to care & doesn’t want to hear about how congress is spending their money or police conducting cavity searches on the side of the road or the truth about the USS Liberty. Not only does he want to hear about it, he knows about it & actually enjoys my company. This is also a tough one. These topics are controversial and political. What you believe and sound very passionate about, are the types of beliefs that cause people to feel quite uncomfortable. This is a REALLY long thing to talk about, but basically, you need to honor that the majority of people out there are not interested in hearing about all the “hidden” stuff that is happening in our world. At the core, it terrifies people and causes them to feel quite unsafe, and who wants to feel like that?? Some people have that kind of strength to handle the types of topics that are important for you. How I navigate my world, is I always honor where people are at, and I stay within conversations that work for BOTH of us. Then there are those few where you get to be your true authentic self. I can understand why you appreciated this guy, because you got to be yourself with him and that’s a really powerful, beautiful feeling!
Honestly, at this point in my life I’m terrified of being alone. As terrible as it makes me seem, even if I wasn’t crazy in love, I would be content with & take care of a man who can fix the roof & the car & wouldn’t hesitate to act if I was in trouble. I didn’t think I’d miss him this much. Weird Let’s explore what you are so terrified of. Tell me about this fear.
This is probably the most important thing you have said. This is the CORE root of your desire to be with this guy more long term and overlook his destructive coping mechanism…you are terrified of being alone. Whenever we have fear at the root, sourcing our feelings and decisions, it NEVER ends up well. Fear is an unstable energy that causes chaos. Things may work for a while, but eventually, what you built with that fear, there will be consequences. It’s kind of like selling your soul. It’s like choosing the lesser option so you can feel better and get out of fear at the moment, but that lesser option brings A LOT of challenges with it vs. working more deeply with that fear, releasing that fear, and then creating your life from a place of confidence, self-trust and self-empowerment. Wouldn’t you rather feel that way than feel fearful and try to fix it by saying yes to a guy who runs away at the slightest hint of challenge? Yes, he has a lot of great qualities that are beautiful, but his coping mechanism is destructive. Unfortunately, the destructive and sabotaging part of him will ALWAYS win out in the end.
So my proposal here is for you to face this fear of being alone. Fear is built on lies. I know it feels real, but fear is about the future…something that hasn’t even happened yet. Fear is a predictive type of energy and cannot be relied on to guide us. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. You will get sooooooo much farther in your life by facing your fear instead of relying on a guy to solve it for you. Facing your fear means you build self-trust, resilience, a community, you learn about yourself, you build more self-esteem and it completely shifts how you move through your life – in a better way.
But I get it…it’s a journey and a tough one. Very few people are willing to do the work to face their fears. It’s so much easier to rely on others to “fix” us, but there are always consequences that come with that. When the other person doesn’t show up the way we need, we end up falling apart…because our safety in life is built around “them” and “them” taking care of us and it builds co-dependency. You get to design your life the way you want to though. I used to take the “easy” road many times. But I took the “hard” road enough times, to build my internal strength so that now….my life is so much easier than most people – even under high amounts of stress. I love who I have become. I love how I get to feel in my life. I love how internally strong I get to feel now. All those years of facing my fears, healing the traumas etc. were well worth it!
Heidi
Hi Moe,
Thank you for sharing everything that you did. The details are helpful!
I just want to make sure I understand correctly. So this guy has decided to cut things off, because you “snapped” at him – and he thinks it’s because he was at that girl’s house. Correct?
The first thing I’d like to reflect to you is that it doesn’t seem like you are very into this guy. It sounds like you more appreciate who he is as a person, but there isn’t much excitement, on your side of things. I’m getting older & it would be nice to have someone & I do care about him. This feels like he would be more of a convenience. I get that you care about him, but it sounds like he is a good person you want more for the company than anything else. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it would cause some MAJOR problems being that he has strong feelings for you. That creates a MAJOR imbalance and would eventually lead to a lot of hurt and dysfunction. Just something to think about.
but I’ve never had somebody try so hard just to walk away like that. This was the first red flag to me. He is saying things like “I want to take care of you and you don’t have to worry anymore…” and he barely knows you. First, saying those kinds of things is automatically setting himself up as the “rescuer” or the “hero” and he is going to swoop in and make sure you never have to worry again. This is the kind of mindset that sets up co-dependence. He NEEDS to be needed. He gets his value by being the rescuer – which in essence and in a very indirect way is saying to you “You can’t take care of yourself, so I will do it for you.” If that’s the type of pattern you want to live in, then go for it. As long as you both are like-minded about that, it can absolutely work! Beyond that, he sure was saying some pretty serious, long term things without really getting to know you. The faster someone rushes in, the harder they will fall. With that in mind, I”m not surprised he cut out so fast. He jumped in fast and when he didn’t get what he wanted or when things got a bit sticky, he stepped out just as fast. This is important for you to pay attention to, because this is a pattern already. He sounds very impulsive. The more impulsive someone is, the less they are able to tolerate things not going their way. It’s A LOT of low self-esteem, childlike thinking and people like that are very emotionally fragile. Just like a 2 year old, they will throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want and they are so impulsive, that they don’t have the patience or mindset to slow down their reaction to gather all the facts and talk adult to adult.
I’ve searched & searched & can’t find anything that would fit this scenario & help keep me from making it worse. It sounds like you are taking full responsibility here about what is happening. Why are YOU the one making it worse? Of course, you are contributing to what is happening, but so is he. So tell me, what have you done to try and resolve this with him? What has HE done to try and solve this?
I’m sad but I’m also very angry & want to tell him that when it mattered the most, he ran away. You find out who people really are in the bad times. THis is a very important thing you said here. He runs. It’s important to pay attention to this! His coping mechanism is to run away. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. Our coping mechanisms, whatever they may be, will ALWAYS be the same, until our last breath. The only thing that changes is how we deal with it. For example, my coping mechanism is to be unavailable and completely distant. My system can shut off and I can become very passive-aggressive. It’s just who I am. However, it’s awful to be on the receiving end of that and it’s incredibly harmful. Over the years, I have had to do A LOT of healing work so that WHEN my coping mechanism gets activated, I can stop myself and make a different decision. I have a skillset, I have accountability and I have standards I hold myself to, that I can stick by now. The ONLY way I can do any of that now, is because I worked at it! So..with that being said, unless a person really works with themselves and how they treat someone else during times of stress, nothing will ever change. So you want to get mad at him about running away, but that’s getting mad at him for something he has always been and always will be. He can say until he is blue in the face that he won’t run anymore, and he can absolutely mean it…but when push comes to shove and the stress is high enough, coping mechanism ALWAYS win out.
So…your job is to accept him for EXACTLY who he is. He isn’t going to change, so is he someone you feel you want to continue to invite into the inner circle of your heart?? If yes, then we can keep talking about how to move forward. If you feel like he isn’t what you want to experience, then it’s time for you to start to let the idea of him go.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Noora,
Thank you for being so beautifully vulnerable and sharing the full story. I do not judge. You are dealing with a very serious level of depression and it’s beyond your ability to deal with on your own. I’m so glad you got some help.
I hope you are still getting help, yes? It’s very possible, with the right therapist, to heal and not have to continue to take medication forever. It’s a lot of work, but definitely possible. Your child needs you Noora. No one will ever replace what you mean to them.
Yes, you are unstable, but so is your ex. To be honest, we ALL are unstable in different areas of life. It’s okay though! It’s part of the human experience and learning how to be resilient. That is your job right now…learning how to be resilient. That means that you have the skills, the mindset, the help and the ability to handle challenges, like your husband cheating, and not letting something like that break you. It means that whatever sadness and hurt you are carrying inside from your past, no longer burdens you and that you know how to forgive and let go of all of those moments of hurt. For you to have the level of depression that you do, means there is a lot of hurt you are carrying around each day. That’s why you need to continue getting professional help so you can learn how to say goodbye to the hurt you are carrying and allow yourself to feel truly happy and stay happy.
I’m glad you have a new friend. Be careful though. Have fun and feel joy AND be aware that you are very vulnerable right now. A man can easily take advantage of that and you wouldn’t even know it was happening. Right now, your 100% focus needs to be on yourself and getting better. And getting better does NOT mean you try and win your husband back. That will NOT fix what you are feeling inside. What you feel inside is for YOU to fix. That’s how you will build resilience. You start to rely on yourself to find your happiness that is NOT connected to anyone else making you happy. That is how you will become a more powerful woman, a more wonderful mother, an incredible role model for your child, and also a very stable and loving lover for a man who will appreciate and value all that you are. Right now, your husband is not that person. Right now, focusing on yourself and creating a plan for healing, is the most important for you and NOT looking for your ex to come back to make you feel better…because that may work for a little bit, but it won’t last and you will end up right back where you are now.
You might resonate with this person. Give it a try and see if this can help you along your journey! https://drjoedispenza.com/
Heidi
Hi Noora,
I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. It’s heartbreaking. Watching the one you love not fight for you and choose someone else, is devastating. I wish there was something I could tell you to “fix” this. In reality, what needs to be “fixed” is so deep and would require A LOT of work by BOTH you and him. You could do everything “right,” but it wouldn’t change that your husband is not interested in doing the work. There is a saying we have here…”You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” It’s the same in relationships. You can show someone ALL the ways to fix something, but you cannot make them take action.
Tell that to my heart. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I have anxiety all the time even the time goes, every day without his love and having just this cold shoulder is making me feel worst and worst. I understand that you feel terrible. That’s what breakups feel like. HOWEVER, it doesn’t mean that this pain you are feeling, means getting back together will help OR that it means it will fix everything.
What is happening here is that you are in so much pain and all you want to do, is get out of it and have him back. Of course! We all would respond the same way. AND…you are wanting to IGNORE all the major problems showing up here in your relationship, just so you can get out of pain. Here is the reality Noora…even if you did get him back, it does not change that he is the kind of guy that would rather cheat and break his integrity. It does not change that he would rather hop into another relationship and ignore the family he has built. It does not change that he is not the kind of guy who will be honest about his feelings, vulnerable and willing to work through the stresses he might be feeling. He is the kind of guy that will up and leave and go take what he wants while he leaves a HUGE mess behind. He does not care about how his choices are affecting you or his son. So…even if you get him back, he will do the same thing down the road again. A person doesn’t change how they respond to stress unless they work on themselves and learn new skills about how to handle stress. He is NOT that kind of guy, so let’s look at the truth here….you will be in pain WITH him over and over again and you are in pain without him. Either way, you are facing A LOT of challenges. It’s not real that you think everything will be better if he comes back. He has broken trust. He has lied. He has chosen another woman. He has broken your family. Your relationship is VERY damaged and that is what needs to be looked at and paid attention to. Do you really want to get him back just so you can be with him and then always wonder where he is? Wonder if he is still talking to the other girl, or has a new girlfriend? Always feeling like you don’t trust him? Because that is what it will feel like being with him again. He is not interested in repairing the trust he broke and you can’t “make” him do that either. I wish there were a way, but the reality is, your relationship is broken and the only way to TRULY fix it, is for both of you to want that…and that’s the breaking point here…he doesn’t want that. Here is a very good video about breaking up and what you are going through right now. Maybe this will help: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM?si=q4-TgocJQsbO8PdW
And to your questions what love means to me, is small things in life and intress of other and caring even tho is hard. Taking care of each other and fasing problems together. Everything you listed here about what love means to you, is NOT happening in your relationship. The love and bond you feel with him has A LOT of dysfunction in it and is NOT the kind of love you are describing.
Ofcourse I would like to have even small amout that affection wich he gave to this other women. So it is in him and he is able to give it and once even I got that. A small amount of affection is enough for you??? Really??? You think your beautiful heart is worth only a small amount of affection??? The reality is, no matter what he is capable of, it doesn’t matter. You have to look at who he is TODAY and deal with that. And TODAY, he is incredibly unkind and being disrespectful with his choices.
He said that his love have faded away, even tho there have been not 24/7 good my love have not. I don’t know how to change things that way that he would again love me and just me. This is not for you to change. Whatever is happening for HIM, that’s for HIM to fix and not you. You cannot fix or change what lives within someone else. It has to be THEIR choice to fix or change things.
I want only his affection and his presence and enjoy our son together. Of course you want this. It sounds so simple, right? It’s not what is available for you though. There is no way that even IF he came back, this is how it would be. Again, he has broken and damaged the connection on so many levels. Do you really think you would be able to just completely enjoy him and be a family again after everything he has done? It’s not like you can just forget about what has happened. You don’t just want his presence and affection. You want a guy you can trust. You want a guy you can feel emotionally safe with. You want a guy who fights for you and your son. You want a guy who is honest. You want a guy who is authentic. You want a guy who fights for love and will help to keep the love alive. You want soooooo much more than what he is willing to offer you. He just can’t be that guy for you Noora. I’m so sorry. This problem you are facing is VERY BIG and no matter how much YOU change or try to fix the broken parts, it won’t change the kind of guy he is.
One of the very best things you can do for yourself, is start to see your situation through different eyes. Right now you only see and feel the pain and want it to go away. How about asking friends and family what they think and see about your relationship? How about learning about what healthy relationships look like? You NEED to get other perspectives and other experts educating you, so you can see what is happening from a more clear and wise perspective instead of just seeing everything through your pain and heartbreak. Here are some videos to get you started.
Heidi
Hi Deborah!
Oh no! I am soooo so sorry you are having to go through that! It’s such an awful feeling to watch the one you love, leave you and choose someone else.
Would you mind sharing more details? He must have been having an affair with his ex to feel solid about leaving you and going back to her.
Can you tell me about your relationship with him? Did you really like being with him? Would you say that you guys had a really strong connection from your perspective? Was there anything about your relationship that HE would complain about or did he express that he was unhappy about anything?? How was your sex life? Vibrant? Exciting? No so much? What is your theory as to why he left and went back to her?
The 12 word text is basically just activating his hero instinct. It’s just asking them for a favor. The thing is, if there are inherent challenges in your relationship, the 12 word text will not fix any of that. It’s more meant to inspire them to want to help you with something, which opens the opportunity for re-connecting. But if the connection is not something they want to participate in, then the text doesn’t really work. I’m not sure the text approach is your best option at this point, so if you’re willing to share more about your situation, we can discuss something that matches your situation best.
It’s a bit of a red flag for him to be living with you for that long and then all of a sudden leaving you for an ex. It’s a VERY unhealthy decision he is making and there are a lot of consequences he will be facing soon enough. He may think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence right now, but soon enough…he will discover the hardships from what he chose.
I know you desperately want him to come home. I know you love him and want to create a long term life with him, so the best option here is to figure out why he left in the first place AND to really consider if this is the kind of person you want to invest in. As you are currently experiencing, you now know that he is willing to bail and hop into another experience. What that tells me is that he is most likely impulsive and doesn’t deal with stress head on. He is probably someone who has a tendency to run from what he feels instead of facing it. I’m not sure what your coping mechanisms are, but in the end, studies have shown that it’s how we treat each other in the worst moments that determine the success and health of a relationship. So even if you do get him back, it wouldn’t guarantee that he would end up staying or that anything would be different. That’s why it’s important to truly understood and look at how you both connected to each other, how you treated each other, how you valued each other – both in the good and the challenging times – to truly understand why he may have chosen to leave.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
