[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

Yes! So true! There probably will be a baby boom AND a lot of dogs without good homes in the long run. I do a TON of dog sitting as a side gig, so I’m sure my business will increase like crazy once people can start to travel again. I have a weekly Friday playdate with 5 dogs. It’s soooo much fun! They all play together and get their “zoomies” out (where they run and run and run) because it’s the only time during the week they can do that, since dog parks are closed. It’s one of my favorite days of the week! What’s a big bummer is that where I live, they are looking at closing trails now, since so many people are NOT respecting the distance from each other. Just the other day, I walked by a skate park with all the kids just standing right next each other, not really caring. It’s pretty typical for kids not to care – it’s frustrating that parents are allowing that and now we ALL might lose our ability to get out and hike because of people just not caring. Similar to where you live, yes? We shall see! We probably have at least another month of this. My guess is, May will be the soonest possible time to get back out again.

You are doing a good job with confronting your friends about their attitudes. The more people get connected to the challenges and the fears, the more they are affecting everything. I have my moments, but like you, I work on staying positive, keeping my focus on the gifts of what this time is bringing to us all and I do whatever I can to help. It makes going through this strange time, so much easier right? I like to send out funny videos to all my friends. Laughter is so important right now.

I’m glad to hear your guy is still making fun of you and it’s making you laugh. It sounds like it’s a natural and instinctive way for him to connect with you. I’m also glad to hear you are just going with the flow and not trying to force connection. I have no doubt he appreciates the space you give him. He gets to feel your strength and that you are okay without him. He needs to know that about you. How is he doing on his house? Is it coming along well? He is off work right now, correct? His parents are still healthy, yes? How is your aunt by the way? It was your aunt who caught it, right?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina,

I get it. Having him in your life makes life so much easier, more fun and more supported. The thing is, it’s going to just take time. As long as you have romantic feelings towards him, you aren’t going to be much of a friend anyway. YOU need some time to heal as well. You need to feel your life without him in it for a while. When things are settled down for both of you and when you can look at him and think about him just as a friend and nothing more – when you no longer have romantic feelings – then a friendship can be healthy between you guys again.

I know you are afraid of losing him. If he moves on without you, you will be okay – and that is so important for you to know and understand. If you don’t know this, then your identity and value and life are so wrapped up in him and that is not a healthy friendship. What you have together has changed forever. You guys crossed a line and you cannot go back. So it’s going to take some time to heal your hurt, rebuild trust and re-design a new friendship. Give it some time. Let the idea of him go, give him some time to heal and get his head on straight and honor that process you both need to go through, instead of forcing it. If you force it, you are risking the whatever chances there are to have a friend in him again. Respect his need for space right now, deal with your hurt and find yourself again – separate than him and THEN you guys can come back together.

I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want him back now. I don’t blame you. It’s incredibly difficult to sit in the space of the unknown and the “what ifs.” If you truly want him back as your friend in a healthy way, it’s going to take much more time. First and foremost, YOU have to be 100% clear about your feelings. YOU have to be 100% healed. If you imagine him having a new girlfriend and seeing him really make efforts with her, how would that make you feel? That’s the ultimate test. If you only feel happy for him and no jealousy, no upset, no anything except happy for him, then you are good to go!

Does that make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi there Marce,

Welcome to the forum. You are asking some good questions.

I first would like to encourage you to take a step back and look at the situation in a bigger way. Here are the things you have shared with us about him.

1. There is a lot of kissing and chemistry
2. You have only been on 3 dates with him
3. You feel like he talks more about himself and doesn’t show much curiosity about who you are
4. His way of connecting with you seems to be more sexual than anything else
5. You question him about this and he gets defensive

I understand you feel chemistry with him, but there needs to be soooo much more than chemistry for things to work. First thing is, if you want him to see you and know you for who you are on the inside, then slow down your sexual connection with him and create more conversations. Do you guys ever talk on the phone or video conference, or is it all texting? When you guys do communicate, how are the conversations? Is he getting better at asking you questions? It’s important for there to be a budding friendship, laughter and connection through conversation, interest in staying connected with each other. Do you feel that is happening?

As far as you confronting him about him wanting you only for sex, no guy in his right mind would admit to something like that, unless he just didn’t care. It would have been more effective to start to steer the conversations in a direction that made you feel more comfortable and see if he would take your lead on that. So many guys know how to connect sexually, but have a harder time putting that energy on the backburner and letting the connection be lead from the inside. Guys like this tend to be underdeveloped emotionally when it comes to women. This guy sounds like he might be more at a high school, college aged level of how he is responding to you. Instead of asking him to change, observe and learn about him and see what is going on behind his need to lead with sexuality. Give it some time and see if you can create better connections that are deeper. Right now, you barely know him. You guys are in the very beginning phases of discovering if you are compatible enough to even have another date. This is the period of time where there is a lot of learning and observing each other. So just keep watching the dynamics and take things slow and be cautious.

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

Just wanted to say hello and check in. How are you doing? Still holding strong to your healthy eating? lol

How is the communication going between you and your guy? How is your pup?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina,

He sure is missing out on you and the opportunity to connect to a deeper love. I have empathy for him. He is in so much pain and the way he fixes it, will be to just continue to ignore it and try to feel better through outside sources. It will never last and he will pay the price for that.

I am sooooo happy to hear that you love yourself enough to not participate in ANY form of mistreatment. You have taken what you learned from your past and using it. Many people are not that strong and will choose connection over loving themselves.

What do you do? It’s still up to you. What do you want to do? When you decide the direction you want to go with him, we can help you create a way to make that happen. Your choices are to either keep staying and continue to hope he will change (which he won’t) or you can disconnect – even from the friendship – at least for awhile. You and him will need some time apart to allow for healing to happen.

What would you like to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi V,

I know how hard this is. You are heading into obsessive thinking about this, which is important for you to really pay attention you. You are giving your personal power away to him. You are relying on HIM to make you feel better, when it’s not his job….it’s YOURS! Both your friends and us are telling you the same exact thing. All he is doing is keeping connected, because he doesn’t want to have the feel the pain of the loss, but he also is not willing to truly connect and be present – and you are allowing this – you are participating in this design. Neither of you are willing to jump out of the gray zone and make a decision. He isn’t willing to truly commit and invest in the relationship and you are not willing to disconnect, even though he is not committed. It’s okay though! You both get to play this out and at some point, something will happen to force a decision. You can stay in this design, but you will just have to deal with the obsessive thinking and constant emotional stress. However, if you want to truly learn from this situation and take back your power, you have to step into what you are most afraid of – and find out you will be okay. It’s your choice! We are here to support you no matter the path you take.

Here is a video that can help you understand what you are going through.

[Heidi G]

Hi Clara,

Welcome! You have a very interesting situation happening here.

May I ask your age and his age? My guess is, from how you said he approached you, is this is not the first time he has gotten involved with a student. Has he ever asked you out on a date? Have you guys ever been seen in public together? Would he lose his job if you guys dated?

What was your answer as to why you are attracted to him? His answer of “going with the flow” is quite vague. An answer like that is not an investment into anything. It’s not vulnerable and it really doesn’t share much information. It sounds like he might be more interested in getting his fix off of you reacting to him. Be careful with this guy! He sounds like he is playing games.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I think you are so amazing to reach out and do what you can to help Rhonda. It will be a wonderful opportunity to meet new people, get out and feel helpful. I look forward to hearing how it went.

Over 80% of our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors etc. come from the subconscious. How that guy responded, or how I read what you wrote, is part of our own subconscious structure as well as yours and how you come across. I’ve spend my life working with the subconscious, the signals, the language. It’s so darn sneaky and super, super subtle…mostly undetectable to the untrained person. I learned very early on, that just because I wasn’t feeling something, didn’t mean it was there…and vice versa…just because I was feeling something, didn’t mean whatever caused that feeling, was the core reason. That guy saying to you that you take things too personal, has no connection to what he just said and what he actually exposed about himself by saying that. His judgment of you is really a judgment on himself. Whenever people point things out to me, about myself, I always take from it what I can identify with and then throw the rest away. If I can’t identify at all, then oh well. I trust that whatever is to be revealed to me, will make sense to me, whenever I am ready. My point being – your intentions are exactly where they need to be. You are a quality woman – one worth loving and knowing, even with all of your messiness.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Monica,

Welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here. Let’s see if we can figure some things out here. There are many, many layers here to this situation.

You have been married for 2 months, but how long were you dating before that? You also said that he left his ex for you. My guess is, he had no time to process all of his feelings about breaking up with his ex. It sounds like he jumped straight into a relationship with you and you were the motivator. You also said that he stayed with her for awhile, because of the kid and not because he wanted to stay. This is a BIG RED FLAG. It sounds like he spent a long time ignoring how he felt and chose to be unhappy in efforts of wanting to be with his son. It would make sense, that now, he feels really confused. When someone ignores how they are feeling, then jumps into a new relationship and gets married, all the feelings will eventually come back to haunt him. That is what he is experiencing now. He is trying to figure out how he really feels, since he spent such a long time ignoring them.

It’s not the smartest decision to go back to his ex and lie to you. What he really needs to do, is spend some time alone and figure out what he is feeling. It sounds like a lot of things have been really challenging for him. He needs someone to talk to. Even if he did come back now, all those feelings he has been carrying around for a long time, will still be there. There are no magic words you can say to make all that baggage he is carrying around, go away. This is about him facing what he has been ignoring for a long time.

I suggest you be honest with him and let him know that you know where he is and how he is feeling. What if you approached talking to him in a way that creates safety for him to truly open up. You can say something like, “Listen. I know you are at your ex’s house. I know you want to go to Canada. You must be in a lot of pain and confusion and fear to feel you need to lie to me. That makes me sad. All I want to do is support you and work together to create the best life we can possibly create. I cannot clear things up for you, as that is something you have to figure out on your own. But what I can do is listen. I am a safe person for you to talk to. I will listen. I know there are no guarantees of a “forever after” but our best chance at that is to be honest and authentic with each other, even if it hurts. Let’s find out what we are made of. If you could have exactly what you wanted, how would you create your life right now?”

Do you think he would respond to you saying something like this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi V,

I know how hard this is. It’s awful to have to sit by and watch someone you love slip through your hands…especially on a false narrative. He has created a story in his mind about how things need to be, for whatever reason – and you cannot change that story. He sounds quite committed to it – and he gets to be. It’s the story he needs in order to survive whatever he is dealing with. It’s so sad really. And I’m sorry you have to just let it go.

It sounds like he is still willing to connect though. I do suggest to continue being distant when you have the strength. No more good morning texts, take some time responding to him after he messages you. Start to be more casual. He will feel you distancing and that may cause him to want to initiate more. Who knows. Give it shot. It sometimes can help for the guy to feel something is “missing.”

Is this something you feel you can do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina,

This is truly your decision. Love is such a tricky area to navigate. He most likely is responding to you the way he is, because love is involved. Love triggers things that NOTHING else can. It takes A LOT of work and commitment to work through the stuff that love brings up. Being that you have done trauma work before, you have experience with dealing with intense emotions in a healthy and safe way. He is showing you he does not. He is showing you he is mean and angry. Alcohol exposes what is truly inside someone. It brings all the defenses down, so you are seeing him for what he is carrying inside…and he is angry.

This is NOT something you can help him with. It is not your job. It is HIS job. No one can do trauma work for you and you know this. Trauma work is so deep and personal and only those who are truly ready to release what they are carrying, can endure the challenges of that journey. So re-connecting and having a good talk together, is not going to change what he carries inside. He is angry and as long as he chooses to be in relationship with that anger, you are going to be the target. If you want to choose to stay the target, then you are enabling him to mistreat you. When you think about which direction to head, you MUST include yourself in the equation. Love is not real when you offer to someone else, but not yourself. So ask yourself this…is it loving to him AND you to stay in this pattern of relationship with him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

oooohhh! wow! This makes a lot of sense. I’m so sorry you had to deal with cancer. How awful to not get to go through that with your husband. You sure have been through a lot Cynthia. Trust your process. When you are ready to cut ties completely, you will know. Honor your process in the meantime. You are doing the very best that you know how and that is enough. One day at a time. Continue to talk with us here. I love connecting with you through this.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

It’s completely my bad. I gotta say, I remember reading your and that one specific sentence 2-3 different times and for some reason, I still ended up mis-reading. So I just went back and re-read it and now see it clearly. So strange! It’s this sentence that I got messed up on: “Told him I found it hard to find anyone on the site that interested me but there was something that made him stand out and something about him I liked.” For some reason, I read it to say “Told him I found it hard to find anyone on the site that was interested in me…” lol. Oh goodness! So sorry! I’m sure it makes sense now why I flagged this, but it’s obviously not necessary anymore.

So….now that I have my head screwed on straight, what you said was not negative at all, but could possibly be construed by a guy as you being high maintenance (hard to please), possibly judgemental, possibly snobby or very hard to please. Do you see how what you said could have portrayed some of these undertones? You would have been just as effective giving him the compliment of noticing something different about him without telling him every other guy on the site is uninteresting. Does that makes sense?

Thanks for bearing with me Rhonda!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

I’ve been in CO for 6.5 years now. I’ve spend so much of my time working, that I haven’t had much chance to go explore on extended weekends. I have a list of things I want to go see though! It’s a loooong list…lol. Telluride is definitely on there. It’s sounds like the most magical place. Most of my clients have lived here for over 30 years, so they have been everywhere and they tell me all the best spots to go to. Now, I just need to make that happen.

So I am wondering what is happening inside of you, that you feel you need to share what you did with that new guy on OurTime. You said “I found it hard to find anyone on the site that interested me but there was something that made him stand out and something about him I liked.” You have done this many times before and it seems you still feel the need to lead by saying something negative about yourself. Is it hard to find someone interested in you? Is that the truth??? Or could it be that it’s hard for you to find someone you match well with? And I’m wondering why that needs to be said at all. It’s almost like you feel the need to downplay yourself or something. Do you know what’s going on there for you? This is a great time to truly explore the depths of this pattern!

It makes more sense now about asking your friend to pass along your email. I would not suggest to let him know you are homesick and want to connect with his friends. Instead, just say “Hey…I have some time now, I am exploring a different region with my photography and I thought it would be fun to connect with your photagrapher friends. Would you mind passing along my email to them? It would be great to connect.” Stay positive and do not lead with lonely energy. Just a thought.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Cynthia,

There are no right or wrongs here. There is just learning from and honoring whatever shows up for you.

I want to challenge you a bit on this. I’m not truly convinced you are ready. I say this because you are still giving him time. He has had 450ish days to leave her. He has had SEVERAL warnings from you that you are reaching your end. Why give him 10 more days? He just walked out on you with you no warning and you dealt with it and chose to stay in relationship with him anyways. If you are truly done, then end it now. No more warnings, no more giving him time to decide. He has CLEARLY communicated to you through actions, that he is not ready to leave her. The truth is, if his words were real (that you are the love of his life) he would have been back with you in no time. There is something stopping him from coming back. Who knows what that is, but at this point, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he has made his choice…he wants BOTH of you. So now you need to make yours…either keep participating or end it…now. If you are not willing to end it today, then maybe honor that you are not quite ready yet to jump 100% into disconnecting completely. What I do know, from personal experience and coaching for many years, that when someone is truly done with a situation, they are done and cannot endure another day of it. When they start to bargain by adding more time, wanting to gather more info, wanting to just wait and see a little longer etc….they just are not ready yet. This is what it feels like with you. Are you ready to get a divorce? My guess is no – which might give you an idea of where you really are at with all of this. Just something to think about.

If you truly are done, then there really is no need to write all of that to him. The more you write, the more you talk, the more you are staying connected and wanting him to fight for you. You simply just need to say, “I’m done. I reached my limit and choose not to do this anymore. Please do not contact me or come over. If there are business matters to deal with, I will communicate through email. I am filing for divorce.”

Plain, clear and simple. That’s all he needs to know. He doesn’t get to have your heart anymore. He doesn’t get to have your feelings anymore. He doesn’t get to have your thoughts anymore. All of those things are privileges and he has lost the right to them.

Again, if you feel the need to explain your feelings, your frustrations, your hurts in your “breakup” letter, then that just means there is still a part of you looking to be heard, validated and cared about by him. You are still looking to him to help you feel better, even though he isn’t changing his behavior. Are you ready to let go of looking to him for anything? Are you ready to no longer share your feelings and thoughts with him? Are you ready to no longer hear that you are the love of his life?

Heidi

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