Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I think you are so amazing to reach out and do what you can to help Rhonda. It will be a wonderful opportunity to meet new people, get out and feel helpful. I look forward to hearing how it went.
Over 80% of our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors etc. come from the subconscious. How that guy responded, or how I read what you wrote, is part of our own subconscious structure as well as yours and how you come across. I’ve spend my life working with the subconscious, the signals, the language. It’s so darn sneaky and super, super subtle…mostly undetectable to the untrained person. I learned very early on, that just because I wasn’t feeling something, didn’t mean it was there…and vice versa…just because I was feeling something, didn’t mean whatever caused that feeling, was the core reason. That guy saying to you that you take things too personal, has no connection to what he just said and what he actually exposed about himself by saying that. His judgment of you is really a judgment on himself. Whenever people point things out to me, about myself, I always take from it what I can identify with and then throw the rest away. If I can’t identify at all, then oh well. I trust that whatever is to be revealed to me, will make sense to me, whenever I am ready. My point being – your intentions are exactly where they need to be. You are a quality woman – one worth loving and knowing, even with all of your messiness.
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here. Let’s see if we can figure some things out here. There are many, many layers here to this situation.
You have been married for 2 months, but how long were you dating before that? You also said that he left his ex for you. My guess is, he had no time to process all of his feelings about breaking up with his ex. It sounds like he jumped straight into a relationship with you and you were the motivator. You also said that he stayed with her for awhile, because of the kid and not because he wanted to stay. This is a BIG RED FLAG. It sounds like he spent a long time ignoring how he felt and chose to be unhappy in efforts of wanting to be with his son. It would make sense, that now, he feels really confused. When someone ignores how they are feeling, then jumps into a new relationship and gets married, all the feelings will eventually come back to haunt him. That is what he is experiencing now. He is trying to figure out how he really feels, since he spent such a long time ignoring them.
It’s not the smartest decision to go back to his ex and lie to you. What he really needs to do, is spend some time alone and figure out what he is feeling. It sounds like a lot of things have been really challenging for him. He needs someone to talk to. Even if he did come back now, all those feelings he has been carrying around for a long time, will still be there. There are no magic words you can say to make all that baggage he is carrying around, go away. This is about him facing what he has been ignoring for a long time.
I suggest you be honest with him and let him know that you know where he is and how he is feeling. What if you approached talking to him in a way that creates safety for him to truly open up. You can say something like, “Listen. I know you are at your ex’s house. I know you want to go to Canada. You must be in a lot of pain and confusion and fear to feel you need to lie to me. That makes me sad. All I want to do is support you and work together to create the best life we can possibly create. I cannot clear things up for you, as that is something you have to figure out on your own. But what I can do is listen. I am a safe person for you to talk to. I will listen. I know there are no guarantees of a “forever after” but our best chance at that is to be honest and authentic with each other, even if it hurts. Let’s find out what we are made of. If you could have exactly what you wanted, how would you create your life right now?”
Do you think he would respond to you saying something like this?
Heidi
Hi V,
I know how hard this is. It’s awful to have to sit by and watch someone you love slip through your hands…especially on a false narrative. He has created a story in his mind about how things need to be, for whatever reason – and you cannot change that story. He sounds quite committed to it – and he gets to be. It’s the story he needs in order to survive whatever he is dealing with. It’s so sad really. And I’m sorry you have to just let it go.
It sounds like he is still willing to connect though. I do suggest to continue being distant when you have the strength. No more good morning texts, take some time responding to him after he messages you. Start to be more casual. He will feel you distancing and that may cause him to want to initiate more. Who knows. Give it shot. It sometimes can help for the guy to feel something is “missing.”
Is this something you feel you can do?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
This is truly your decision. Love is such a tricky area to navigate. He most likely is responding to you the way he is, because love is involved. Love triggers things that NOTHING else can. It takes A LOT of work and commitment to work through the stuff that love brings up. Being that you have done trauma work before, you have experience with dealing with intense emotions in a healthy and safe way. He is showing you he does not. He is showing you he is mean and angry. Alcohol exposes what is truly inside someone. It brings all the defenses down, so you are seeing him for what he is carrying inside…and he is angry.
This is NOT something you can help him with. It is not your job. It is HIS job. No one can do trauma work for you and you know this. Trauma work is so deep and personal and only those who are truly ready to release what they are carrying, can endure the challenges of that journey. So re-connecting and having a good talk together, is not going to change what he carries inside. He is angry and as long as he chooses to be in relationship with that anger, you are going to be the target. If you want to choose to stay the target, then you are enabling him to mistreat you. When you think about which direction to head, you MUST include yourself in the equation. Love is not real when you offer to someone else, but not yourself. So ask yourself this…is it loving to him AND you to stay in this pattern of relationship with him?
Heidi
oooohhh! wow! This makes a lot of sense. I’m so sorry you had to deal with cancer. How awful to not get to go through that with your husband. You sure have been through a lot Cynthia. Trust your process. When you are ready to cut ties completely, you will know. Honor your process in the meantime. You are doing the very best that you know how and that is enough. One day at a time. Continue to talk with us here. I love connecting with you through this.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It’s completely my bad. I gotta say, I remember reading your and that one specific sentence 2-3 different times and for some reason, I still ended up mis-reading. So I just went back and re-read it and now see it clearly. So strange! It’s this sentence that I got messed up on: “Told him I found it hard to find anyone on the site that interested me but there was something that made him stand out and something about him I liked.” For some reason, I read it to say “Told him I found it hard to find anyone on the site that was interested in me…” lol. Oh goodness! So sorry! I’m sure it makes sense now why I flagged this, but it’s obviously not necessary anymore.
So….now that I have my head screwed on straight, what you said was not negative at all, but could possibly be construed by a guy as you being high maintenance (hard to please), possibly judgemental, possibly snobby or very hard to please. Do you see how what you said could have portrayed some of these undertones? You would have been just as effective giving him the compliment of noticing something different about him without telling him every other guy on the site is uninteresting. Does that makes sense?
Thanks for bearing with me Rhonda!!!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’ve been in CO for 6.5 years now. I’ve spend so much of my time working, that I haven’t had much chance to go explore on extended weekends. I have a list of things I want to go see though! It’s a loooong list…lol. Telluride is definitely on there. It’s sounds like the most magical place. Most of my clients have lived here for over 30 years, so they have been everywhere and they tell me all the best spots to go to. Now, I just need to make that happen.
So I am wondering what is happening inside of you, that you feel you need to share what you did with that new guy on OurTime. You said “I found it hard to find anyone on the site that interested me but there was something that made him stand out and something about him I liked.” You have done this many times before and it seems you still feel the need to lead by saying something negative about yourself. Is it hard to find someone interested in you? Is that the truth??? Or could it be that it’s hard for you to find someone you match well with? And I’m wondering why that needs to be said at all. It’s almost like you feel the need to downplay yourself or something. Do you know what’s going on there for you? This is a great time to truly explore the depths of this pattern!
It makes more sense now about asking your friend to pass along your email. I would not suggest to let him know you are homesick and want to connect with his friends. Instead, just say “Hey…I have some time now, I am exploring a different region with my photography and I thought it would be fun to connect with your photagrapher friends. Would you mind passing along my email to them? It would be great to connect.” Stay positive and do not lead with lonely energy. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
There are no right or wrongs here. There is just learning from and honoring whatever shows up for you.
I want to challenge you a bit on this. I’m not truly convinced you are ready. I say this because you are still giving him time. He has had 450ish days to leave her. He has had SEVERAL warnings from you that you are reaching your end. Why give him 10 more days? He just walked out on you with you no warning and you dealt with it and chose to stay in relationship with him anyways. If you are truly done, then end it now. No more warnings, no more giving him time to decide. He has CLEARLY communicated to you through actions, that he is not ready to leave her. The truth is, if his words were real (that you are the love of his life) he would have been back with you in no time. There is something stopping him from coming back. Who knows what that is, but at this point, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he has made his choice…he wants BOTH of you. So now you need to make yours…either keep participating or end it…now. If you are not willing to end it today, then maybe honor that you are not quite ready yet to jump 100% into disconnecting completely. What I do know, from personal experience and coaching for many years, that when someone is truly done with a situation, they are done and cannot endure another day of it. When they start to bargain by adding more time, wanting to gather more info, wanting to just wait and see a little longer etc….they just are not ready yet. This is what it feels like with you. Are you ready to get a divorce? My guess is no – which might give you an idea of where you really are at with all of this. Just something to think about.
If you truly are done, then there really is no need to write all of that to him. The more you write, the more you talk, the more you are staying connected and wanting him to fight for you. You simply just need to say, “I’m done. I reached my limit and choose not to do this anymore. Please do not contact me or come over. If there are business matters to deal with, I will communicate through email. I am filing for divorce.”
Plain, clear and simple. That’s all he needs to know. He doesn’t get to have your heart anymore. He doesn’t get to have your feelings anymore. He doesn’t get to have your thoughts anymore. All of those things are privileges and he has lost the right to them.
Again, if you feel the need to explain your feelings, your frustrations, your hurts in your “breakup” letter, then that just means there is still a part of you looking to be heard, validated and cared about by him. You are still looking to him to help you feel better, even though he isn’t changing his behavior. Are you ready to let go of looking to him for anything? Are you ready to no longer share your feelings and thoughts with him? Are you ready to no longer hear that you are the love of his life?
Heidi
Hi V,
I have no doubt he still loves you. It just when stress reaches certain levels, our coping mechanisms take over. His coping mechanism is to pull away and that is stronger than the love he would have for you. He wouldn’t have access to those feelings right now. It sounds like you know how to manage him really well though. If that is the kind of the relationship you want, then it’s going to take a ton of patience. He will come back around eventually when all of this blows over.
This really is about you. There hasn’t been anything “wrong” that has happened to cause this kind of disconnect between you guys, yet this is the kind of choice he is making. You are really seeing the deeper parts of who he is and what will always be there and what you will always have to “manage.” You will most likely always be the one who fights for the relationship trying to pull him back in, while he will always be the one to run and disconnect if things get too difficult. Even in your regular conversations, he isn’t present with you – he is always doing something else and sharing very little about himself. This is how he is choosing to cope with stress. All of this means you are going to need an incredible amount of patience and you are going to need to put your needs aside and make his needs more important. That is how he lives his life – where his needs are more important than yours. So if you want to fight for him, that is what you will need to agree to.
Have you ever used the app Marco Polo? I’m wondering if that would be a good way for you guys to connect, beyond the phone or instead of the phone sometimes. It’s just video, but you leaving messages back and forth to each other. It’s uncomfortable at first, but then you just get used to it. I LOVE this app, because I can talk as long as I want and just share what I’m looking at on a hike, I can cry, I can share thoughts when I have them and vice versa. I will listen to my friend’s messages whenever I have time. It would even be fun if you sent him a good morning and good night message and leave is short and sweet. This way, you guys get to see each other. I have one particular friend who talks a TON when we get on the phone and it’s hard for me to get a word in. But over the Marco Polo app, I get to talk as much as I want and it allows her to get to know me, because she can’t interrupt. lol. So it works out great. Give it a try! I think it might help bring you guys closer together.
If that doesn’t interest you, then I would suggest to pull back a little. If you become a little less available for him, I have a feeling he might start to appreciate you more and what you have to offer. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
I want to support what Kanya suggested. I think now would be the best time to just give him some space. I imagine your reaching out and proclaiming that you “need” him, made him want to take a step back, as everyone is needing him right now. People are exhausted right now and more in survival mode. Your confusion about the relationship is valid, but now is not the time to talk about it and try to get answers from him. He is not open to that right now. So what if you said something like, “Listen…I’m sorry for my reactions. I know you are stressed right now and exhausted and I know I just added to that. I’m taking a step back. I would love to re-connect and just support you in whatever way that is helpful…no relationship talk.”
Do you think he might respond to something like that?
Heidi
Hi V,
Thank you for more details. It is helpful.
It sounds like he relies quite a bit on you to help him through his emotions. You said you would stay calm and he would get angry during “arguments.” You said that he was upset with you that you didn’t motivate him to be active. You said he got tired of dealing with how you were feeling and so he decided to pull away and just take care of himself. From what you are saying, it sounds like if you have any troubles at all, he just doesn’t know how to handle it. Would you agree with this? Would you say that he really depends on you to help make HIS life better and feel okay?
It sounds like you may be learning that he is not a good support for you when you need it. What is happening in the world right now, can really expose fears and anxieties and how they handle it. So it sounds like you are seeing a brand new side to him. He is in a lot of fear and that fear is so big, it puts him in survival mode…which means he doesn’t have much to offer you. When someone is in survival mode, they have no capacity to try to help anyone but themselves.
I wonder if you called and just talked with him, validating his fear and stress. Many times, that’s all someone needs and then they are able to offer something back. So you could say something like, “I just want you to know that I’m sorry for all the stress you are feeling. I know how scary this time is. I know how much care. I’m sorry to have added to your stress. It’s the last thing I want. Can we just have a conversation and talk? Let’s just talk about the stress right now. Forget about our relationship. Let’s rely on our friendship. I’d like to see how I can help support you, if possible.” So by offering support, validation and a listening ear, it can open his heart to want to offer you the same in return. If he doesn’t offer the same in return, then this is important information you need to know about him. If he is not willing to even talk as friends, giving him time and space is probably the best option then. Give it a few weeks where you take care of yourself and then maybe reach out again.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
You know more of CO than I do! lol. I live near Boulder. I float a lot between Denver and Boulder, depending on what I have going on. I’ve explored Colorado Springs a bit, but haven’t been to Grand Junction. The hot springs in Glendwood are pretty famous, but haven’t made it there yet. There is sooooo much to explore here!!! I love living here! I definitely feel a HUGE amount of gratitude to be “stuck” in a place like this 🙂
I imagine if you contact OurTime immediately and ask them to shut payment off, they can do it manually for you and even refund the most recent amount they charged you. I personally would not tolerate whatever is happening. That is hard earned money that is being taken from you.
What are you doing to manage your emotions, besides doing things externally. Everything you listed is great. It’s keeping you connected and active. What about what you are doing internally for yourself? Journaling, Tapping, meditating, reading new books that nourish your soul etc. Those kinds of things are super important so you can keep that energy of high frustration down to a minimum instead of it getting stuck inside with no outlet. You need to provide and outlet for it.
I’m not sure if I understood correctly about you emailing your friend. You wanted your friend to pass along your email address to his friends so you can connect? Are you wanting to connect just to start conversations and get to know new people? I’m not sure of the purpose and why you are wanting to reach out to this particular friend for that. My instinct is to be cautious with that. It absolutely can come off as desperate. I’m not saying no to the idea, I would just be careful as to how you present it to your friend and be very CLEAR as to what you are wanting to get out of it. Just something to think about.
Let us know how your levee trip went!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Haven’t heard from you in awhile. I wanted to see how you are doing and handling all these changes in the world. How are your kids handling it? Any new guys you are talking with? Now, meeting in person is impossible, so becoming pen pals and talking on the phone or over video are the only options. It’s interesting how this is affecting the dating world.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Li,
There is always a strange transition going from dating to friends. People say they want to stay friends all the time, but to actually transition into that can be a bit tricky. It takes work, it takes patience and it takes trust to believe it can actually happen without anyone’s feelings getting hurt. It can be difficult for men and women to be just friends.
Considering his schedule and what he has said to you so far, I wouldn’t have high hope for maintaining much other than occasional interaction. He should save his spare time for his good friends and the rest is spent studying. I’m not sure why he is even trying to date right now, being that he has so little time – unless he is just getting his sexual needs met and not expecting much more – I don’t know. What it seems like though, is he doesn’t have the capacity to build a new friendship. Again, I think occasional contact would be fine, but I wouldn’t expect much from him.
How does this make you feel? Do you sense the same thing?
Heidi
