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Hi Alexandra,
Thank you for sharing more details.
It sounds like communication is a real struggle for both of you. Let’s talk about you though, because that is all you have control of. I know you are afraid of losing him, but at what cost? Truth is, you are not being your FULL self. You are holding back deeper feelings, thoughts and emotions. That is a BIG part of who you are and he has no clue about it. He is saying conversations are monotonous and maybe this is part of the reason. He isn’t feeling the depth of who you are, because you are not sharing it. I know he is not sharing either.
So the real question here is – if you don’t feel 100% safe to be 100% of who you are, then what would it take to create that? Yes, I know he is part of the challenge, but if he were to stay exactly the same, what if despite that, you chose to start opening up and being your true authentic self? At the very least, you will have connected to yourself better and he will actually get to know who you really are. My other question is, do you see this as a common pattern for you? Do you tend to hide a lot in relationship?
When you say this, ” It’s not great just sitting around waiting but I know if I were to do something it would probably make the situation worse so I just feel like giving him what he wants is the best choice right now” it’s very much you taking yourself out of the equation and not participating in the design of what is happening. How in the world is he ever going to truly know you, if you just put yourself in the back seat and stay silent, while he drives? This is a relationship – which means TEAMWORK. If you take yourself out of the equation, then he has no teammate to work with. Tell me…what would you like to say to him??
I know you are independent, but maybe that is another thing you can begin to work on…creating a stronger hero instinct for him.
If he feels you don’t need him, there is a disconnect somewhere. You say you do, but it doesn’t sound like it’s coming across strong enough. I too am extremely independent, but I also make sure to ask for help from everyone around me, even though I can do it myself. Why? Because it’s a gift I am giving to myself and to others. It’s a gift for them, to get to help someone they care about. It’s a gift for me to get to feel taken care of, known and to practice receiving. Do you feel you could improve this area of your life? Not just with him, but with everyone?Heidi
Hi Candace,
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. How do you feel about your choice now?
I am wondering something…you have only shared a few details, but is this a pattern you have? That when you get hurt, you pull away? It sounds like you have a lot of trouble forgiving. Reality is…guys are just guys. His comment was completely coming from a naive, unaware place. Yes, it hurt your feelings, but what is stopping you from forgiving his humanness? What is stopping you from being able to connect to his experience of it? Why is it something you cannot get over?
This is not about the relationship. This is about you and the stories you put around whatever is happening. What is soooo important to remember, is in relationship, each person is having their own experience. Each person is creating a story or putting a meaning on whatever is happening. Whose story is right and whose story is wrong?? Neither person is right or wrong and both people are right and wrong. The meaning we put on a person’s words or actions are so relative, depending on the baggage we carry and how we grew up. That’s what can make relationships so challenging sometimes. For example, I had a friend who had this HUGE reaction about something her guy said and when she told me, my initial response was…so? What’s the big deal? He’s just being a silly, innocent guy and doesn’t know any better. It’s easily fixable. Yet, for her, she was devastated. Why? Because what he said triggered her baggage from her past, so she created this BIG story around what he said that he didn’t truly love or care about her…when in reality it wasn’t true.
So what story or what meaning did you create around what he said about the pole dancing?
Heidi
Hi Regina,
Thank you for sharing more details.
I completely understand that you want to hear from him more. It sounds like he is responding and connecting to you, when he is able, considering his job.
I also understand that, from your perspective, he could text you more and he did admit to needing better at it. What I’m more curious about is, what is the core reason he doesn’t reach out more often? For example, I had a boyfriend once who HATED texting. So anytime we texted each other, it was only about what was necessary…nothing was to ever check in or say hello. I had to honor that part of him and not take it personally. So what do you think his REAL reason is that he doesn’t check in with you more often? And second, what does it mean to you, that he doesn’t check in more often. You are having a reaction to this and you have put some type of story or meaning on it that he doesn’t check in more often…what story do you have around it? Lastly, how about considering that this is who he is and it’s not going to change…ever. What can you do to get your needs met, even though he is isn’t being the way you want him to be?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. Is this the first argument you guys have had? And nothing was said, correct? He just got upset one day after you getting sick? You are probably right in that something about you getting sick, really triggered him for some reason. He most likely is TERRIFIED to love. Do you know anything about his past? His relationship with his parents when he was a child? His relationship with his siblings if he has any? It might give you some insight. The thing is, whatever he is afraid of, the fear is waaaaay bigger than his love for you. He probably does still love you, but he is not going to have much access to that right now. Whatever fear is there, it’s meant to “protect” him from ever feeling hurt or loss. He is most likely running the other direction from you, because he is terrified to lose you. When someone is that afraid, there is nothing YOU can say or do to make that fear go away. If people are filling his head with lies about you, then that ALSO is his problem that he is listening to them. First, what you need to realize, is this is who he is. Love is not enough to keep a relationship together. It takes work and it takes BOTH people choosing to stick around through arguments, fears, anxieties and challenges. If he is a runner, then this is what you will be dealing with all the time. People who run from situations sometimes never come back and sometimes just need a bit of space…it all depends on how big and strong the fear is. The thing is, that fear will always be there. There is nothing you can do to make it go away, convince him how the fear is not real or prove to him he won’t lose you. Whatever he is afraid of, it’s been there for a looooong time and that is his own personal demon he needs to face.
How old are the both of you? Are you healthy again? Do you ever run into him?
Heidi
Hi Regina,
Welcome! I completely understand how frustrating it is to have to sit and wait for your guy to respond. How long have you been dating? Have you ever lived in the same city? How did you guys meet? How often do you get to see each other?
Being that you have communicated to him that his lack of texting is hard for you to deal with, it doesn’t sound like anything has changed. Maybe you can try the Marco Polo app. I am a super busy gal, so texting is really annoying many times because I can’t truly have a good conversation that way and express my full thoughts. Marco Polo is great because it’s exactly like texting, but it’s video instead. It works well for me because whether I am in my car, putting on makeup, cooking etc. I am able to actually talk, say everything I want to say, while I am doing other things and it’s so much easier. I use that app with most of my friends over in Europe or other states. It’s so great long distance! Maybe something like that can help out.
Has he ever expressed why he doesn’t text very much? The thing is, this design isn’t working for you. You don’t really get to know someone very well when you can’t actually talk to them, so maybe reconsider this relationship? Being in the intelligence field as a job has to make being in a relationship very difficult. He really may not be that available for a real relationship, which is maybe why a long distance relationship works well for him. Has he been distant like this from the very beginning? You really may be asking something from him that he is not truly willing to offer. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alexandra,
You mentioned that you guys have never argued and your relationship has been easy, but you also said you guys have had your struggles. Which is it? What have your struggles been about?
You mentioned that when you said something about how you were feeling and how it scared him because they were qualities he’s always had and you are just now telling him. You also said that he felt the conversations were monotonous and forced.
It sounds like there might be a few different things happening here. First, it sounds like he is getting uncomfortable for some reason. Something inside of HIM is uneasy and it’s causing him to want to make changes…and you happen to be the first change. He is trying to look to the outside of himself to fix how he is feeling on the inside. He will soon learn that whatever is happening for him, blaming the relationship for his uneasiness is not going to fix anything.
I am also wondering, do you feel confident challenging him, his thoughts, his behaviors? When you express how you feel, how does he respond? How do you guys end up resolving things? Do you give in a lot to what he wants or is he a good listener and does he work WITH you to resolve whatever struggle shows up?
He is getting a taste of what it feels like to not have you in his life and it sounds like he is missing you. I’m wondering how YOU would like this situation to be handled? Does it feel okay for you to just sit and wait until this is over and see how he feels? How does his decision to take this route of disconnecting for a few months, make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You definitely have more restrictions than we do here. There are no specific running times or curfews. But we are heading in that direction, because of the small percentage of people who won’t listen. I was driving down from the mountains yesterday and there is a very popular spot on a creek, near town, where people swim. There must have been at least 75-100 people there, swimming and laying out on rocks. Definitely NOT social distancing. SOOOOO frustrating to see that! Mostly younger kids in their 20’s. Then just down the way, I am watching a woman walking her dog with her face mask on. 2 very different ways to honor this process right??
I hope your dad’s friend ends up okay!
I get it about your friends and not wanting to do the weekly zoom thing. People are at different stages of all of this and needing different things. The best thing we can do in the end, is to just honor ourselves and do whatever we need to, to keep our spirits high. You are doing a great job at that Emilie. You are exercising, eating healthy, not getting overly emotional and dramatic about your guy not talking with you every day and you are focusing on what you DO have. You are a prime example of how to handle stress. All the work you have done on yourself makes you quite resilient! Well done!
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a really good question, but the answer will vary, depending on the scenario.
Would you mind sharing more details? Do you know why he is isn’t responding? Were you in a committed relationship with him or just dating? How long have you known him? What’s your history with him?
Looking forward to your answers.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Yes! So true! There probably will be a baby boom AND a lot of dogs without good homes in the long run. I do a TON of dog sitting as a side gig, so I’m sure my business will increase like crazy once people can start to travel again. I have a weekly Friday playdate with 5 dogs. It’s soooo much fun! They all play together and get their “zoomies” out (where they run and run and run) because it’s the only time during the week they can do that, since dog parks are closed. It’s one of my favorite days of the week! What’s a big bummer is that where I live, they are looking at closing trails now, since so many people are NOT respecting the distance from each other. Just the other day, I walked by a skate park with all the kids just standing right next each other, not really caring. It’s pretty typical for kids not to care – it’s frustrating that parents are allowing that and now we ALL might lose our ability to get out and hike because of people just not caring. Similar to where you live, yes? We shall see! We probably have at least another month of this. My guess is, May will be the soonest possible time to get back out again.
You are doing a good job with confronting your friends about their attitudes. The more people get connected to the challenges and the fears, the more they are affecting everything. I have my moments, but like you, I work on staying positive, keeping my focus on the gifts of what this time is bringing to us all and I do whatever I can to help. It makes going through this strange time, so much easier right? I like to send out funny videos to all my friends. Laughter is so important right now.
I’m glad to hear your guy is still making fun of you and it’s making you laugh. It sounds like it’s a natural and instinctive way for him to connect with you. I’m also glad to hear you are just going with the flow and not trying to force connection. I have no doubt he appreciates the space you give him. He gets to feel your strength and that you are okay without him. He needs to know that about you. How is he doing on his house? Is it coming along well? He is off work right now, correct? His parents are still healthy, yes? How is your aunt by the way? It was your aunt who caught it, right?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
I get it. Having him in your life makes life so much easier, more fun and more supported. The thing is, it’s going to just take time. As long as you have romantic feelings towards him, you aren’t going to be much of a friend anyway. YOU need some time to heal as well. You need to feel your life without him in it for a while. When things are settled down for both of you and when you can look at him and think about him just as a friend and nothing more – when you no longer have romantic feelings – then a friendship can be healthy between you guys again.
I know you are afraid of losing him. If he moves on without you, you will be okay – and that is so important for you to know and understand. If you don’t know this, then your identity and value and life are so wrapped up in him and that is not a healthy friendship. What you have together has changed forever. You guys crossed a line and you cannot go back. So it’s going to take some time to heal your hurt, rebuild trust and re-design a new friendship. Give it some time. Let the idea of him go, give him some time to heal and get his head on straight and honor that process you both need to go through, instead of forcing it. If you force it, you are risking the whatever chances there are to have a friend in him again. Respect his need for space right now, deal with your hurt and find yourself again – separate than him and THEN you guys can come back together.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want him back now. I don’t blame you. It’s incredibly difficult to sit in the space of the unknown and the “what ifs.” If you truly want him back as your friend in a healthy way, it’s going to take much more time. First and foremost, YOU have to be 100% clear about your feelings. YOU have to be 100% healed. If you imagine him having a new girlfriend and seeing him really make efforts with her, how would that make you feel? That’s the ultimate test. If you only feel happy for him and no jealousy, no upset, no anything except happy for him, then you are good to go!
Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi there Marce,
Welcome to the forum. You are asking some good questions.
I first would like to encourage you to take a step back and look at the situation in a bigger way. Here are the things you have shared with us about him.
1. There is a lot of kissing and chemistry
2. You have only been on 3 dates with him
3. You feel like he talks more about himself and doesn’t show much curiosity about who you are
4. His way of connecting with you seems to be more sexual than anything else
5. You question him about this and he gets defensiveI understand you feel chemistry with him, but there needs to be soooo much more than chemistry for things to work. First thing is, if you want him to see you and know you for who you are on the inside, then slow down your sexual connection with him and create more conversations. Do you guys ever talk on the phone or video conference, or is it all texting? When you guys do communicate, how are the conversations? Is he getting better at asking you questions? It’s important for there to be a budding friendship, laughter and connection through conversation, interest in staying connected with each other. Do you feel that is happening?
As far as you confronting him about him wanting you only for sex, no guy in his right mind would admit to something like that, unless he just didn’t care. It would have been more effective to start to steer the conversations in a direction that made you feel more comfortable and see if he would take your lead on that. So many guys know how to connect sexually, but have a harder time putting that energy on the backburner and letting the connection be lead from the inside. Guys like this tend to be underdeveloped emotionally when it comes to women. This guy sounds like he might be more at a high school, college aged level of how he is responding to you. Instead of asking him to change, observe and learn about him and see what is going on behind his need to lead with sexuality. Give it some time and see if you can create better connections that are deeper. Right now, you barely know him. You guys are in the very beginning phases of discovering if you are compatible enough to even have another date. This is the period of time where there is a lot of learning and observing each other. So just keep watching the dynamics and take things slow and be cautious.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Just wanted to say hello and check in. How are you doing? Still holding strong to your healthy eating? lol
How is the communication going between you and your guy? How is your pup?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
He sure is missing out on you and the opportunity to connect to a deeper love. I have empathy for him. He is in so much pain and the way he fixes it, will be to just continue to ignore it and try to feel better through outside sources. It will never last and he will pay the price for that.
I am sooooo happy to hear that you love yourself enough to not participate in ANY form of mistreatment. You have taken what you learned from your past and using it. Many people are not that strong and will choose connection over loving themselves.
What do you do? It’s still up to you. What do you want to do? When you decide the direction you want to go with him, we can help you create a way to make that happen. Your choices are to either keep staying and continue to hope he will change (which he won’t) or you can disconnect – even from the friendship – at least for awhile. You and him will need some time apart to allow for healing to happen.
What would you like to do?
Heidi
Hi V,
I know how hard this is. You are heading into obsessive thinking about this, which is important for you to really pay attention you. You are giving your personal power away to him. You are relying on HIM to make you feel better, when it’s not his job….it’s YOURS! Both your friends and us are telling you the same exact thing. All he is doing is keeping connected, because he doesn’t want to have the feel the pain of the loss, but he also is not willing to truly connect and be present – and you are allowing this – you are participating in this design. Neither of you are willing to jump out of the gray zone and make a decision. He isn’t willing to truly commit and invest in the relationship and you are not willing to disconnect, even though he is not committed. It’s okay though! You both get to play this out and at some point, something will happen to force a decision. You can stay in this design, but you will just have to deal with the obsessive thinking and constant emotional stress. However, if you want to truly learn from this situation and take back your power, you have to step into what you are most afraid of – and find out you will be okay. It’s your choice! We are here to support you no matter the path you take.
Here is a video that can help you understand what you are going through.
Hi Clara,
Welcome! You have a very interesting situation happening here.
May I ask your age and his age? My guess is, from how you said he approached you, is this is not the first time he has gotten involved with a student. Has he ever asked you out on a date? Have you guys ever been seen in public together? Would he lose his job if you guys dated?
What was your answer as to why you are attracted to him? His answer of “going with the flow” is quite vague. An answer like that is not an investment into anything. It’s not vulnerable and it really doesn’t share much information. It sounds like he might be more interested in getting his fix off of you reacting to him. Be careful with this guy! He sounds like he is playing games.
Thoughts?
Heidi
