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Hello Iyoni,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
Would you mind sharing more details? What exactly are you guys arguing about every day?
It sounds like what he is offering you, is not enough for you. Would you mind sharing more details about that?
Trying to get someone to be different than they actually are, is not a path I would recommend to go down. It creates an incredibly amount of chaos and resentment builds up over time and becomes toxic to the relationship. What’s important, healthy and a very powerful love, is when both people are very accepting of each other and happy in that.
It sounds like you may have chosen a guy who is not very open possibly? Can you explain his personality more? Has he changed since the beginning of the relationship? Do you know if this is just who he is or if it’s who he is with you specifically? How old are you guys?
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Patricia,
I’m just going to be straight forward here. You don’t get into those heads. You don’t redirect anything or get them to open up. Essentially, what you are wanting to do, is change him into a person that is able to meet your needs and make you happy. It’s not his job to be what you want so you can be happy with him. What we ALL need to do in a relationship we choose to participate in, is to accept the person for EXACTLY who they are. That is part of what real love is. Love is not, “I will love you and be happy when you change.” I understand your desire to want him to change though. It’s quite the common request we get from women. “How do I get him to love me? How do I get him to commit? How do I get him to open to me?” All of those requests are women not accepting the man they are choosing and wanting him to change so they can be happy. God knows I also fell into that trap MANY times in my younger years. I used to date many guys that had incredible potential and I would do what I could to help them access that potential. Never once did it work.
Your guy is who he is, because that is what he wants to be – and he gets to be that. Even though he doesn’t communicate, even though he is most likely cheating, even though he is ghosting now, even though he is very young emotionally and not very mature when it comes to relationships – you are the one choosing him. So the real challenge here is not about changing him, it’s about looking inside of yourself and the wounds that you carry and explore why you are wanting to fight for man who does not have the ability, nor wants the ability to be a healthy, connective, caring, supportive partner for you. He is not interested in being that kind of man and not a single person on this earth can change that – except for him. If he changes, it needs to come from inside of him, otherwise anything he feels forced or manipulated into, will backfire and it will never stick.
One of the main things I coach people through when choosing who to be in a relationship with, is looking at who their person is in their worst moments. When choosing a partner, it is super easy to connect to the best parts and feel that chemistry. It’s super easy to see the potential. What is not easy is being able to also know the worst of a person and still be able to accept them and love them in that space. This is the point where a lot of people get stuck, because many times, the worst side of someone is not kind. They may discover their person ghosts and disappears in an argument, or they become verbally or physically abusive. They discover that the person’s worst side is actually not acceptable, loveable or sustainable for a long term healthy relationship. But because they connect so strongly to the other parts that are good, they themselves will start to compromise and internally negotiate and start to think of ways to maybe help change their partner, or ways to get around the worst parts. And then it begins…the endless cycle of both people trying to change each other on some level and truly not accepting what they have chosen – therefore just causing more damage and chaos.
It has been proven, over and over and over again – in order to have a healthy relationship that is sustainable, it takes 2 people who are interested in growth, listening to each other and wanting to have healthy exchanges. It takes 2 people to commit to the same vision. And that takes work. Your guy does not have the same vision as you do. Your guy is not willing to fight for keeping the family together and you cannot make him want that. He has a lot of wounds he is carrying inside of him – which is why he is the way he is. Only he can face that and heal that. You cannot do that for him, just as he cannot make you feel or react any differently than you do. And lastly, you also want to make sure that you never ask something from someone, you are not willing to do yourself first. So…you want him to open up to you and commit to you and come back to you so you can have your family back together. In order for him to do truly that, he would need to face his fears. He would need to look inside of him and connect with his anger (depression is anger turned inwards). He would need to feel things so he can forgive before he is able to truly move forward. All he is doing is running away from everything he feels internally and he is doing what most people do. Trying to feel happy or relief in any way possible, from the pain he is carrying. How about you? Are you willing to do the same with yourself? Are you willing to face your fears? Is it possible that you are wanting to avoid feeling alone and avoid feeling like a failure because you couldn’t keep your family together? Are you willing to look inside of yourself about why you are choosing this?
Heidi
Hi Patricia,
I am so so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like maybe you guys grew slowly apart from each other the past few years. Would you say that is true?
I completely understand that you want your family back. Of course you do. I know how much it hurts to watch everything break up and not be able to do anything about it.
Would you mind sharing more details? Even though you guys were still talking daily, would you say you felt that chemistry with each other? When you guys would hang out, did BOTH of you make those efforts and initiate, or did you find your self making more efforts than he was? Have you talked to him about this other woman? Before a month ago, did you really like your relationship? Did you feel that he liked it as well?
I know you want your family back together, but would you be willing to slow down a bit and truly consider what that means? There is something happening in the relationship that isn’t working. It’s so important to really look at that and acknowledge that. If you just get him to come back, that won’t be enough. You BOTH then need to work on improving the relationship in very specific ways. I’m not sure he is that kind of guy. He has chosen to go cheat on you, no communicate and just completely ghost you. Are you saying you are willing to completely ignore and take him back, all in efforts to have your family back together? If that is true, then I want to encourage to look inside of yourself and notice what is happening for you. The moment you make anybody more important than loving and caring for yourself, you have lost. If you take him back without the agreement to truly work deeply on yourselves and the relationship, then you are teaching him he can do whatever he wants, without consequence, because having your family together is more important than yourself and your well being and your happiness. Out of curiosity, is he still connecting with your child? Is he still making efforts to be a dad or is he ghosting your kid too? I know you want more than just having your family back together. I know you want it to be a happy family. You want to create a family that stays together, that loves being together and works through anything together. Dreams like that are beautiful! That hard part about that is finding the right kind of guy that wants the same thing and is willing to love you and your child DEEPLY and work for keeping the family together as well. I’m not sure he is that kind of guy, considering how he has handled this ending. Just something to think about.
The 12 word text is basically a way to activate his hero instinct. It DOES NOT fix anything, but what it can do is get his attention and help get him talking to you again. The exact words don’t matter. It’s more about the concept. You are asking him for help with something. So you can say something like, “Hey. Would you mind helping me with something?” and leave it at that. It will activate his curiosity and most guys will text back and ask what you need help with. Then you need to come up with something he can help you with. It can be anything. You can ask for advice about something, you can ask for help moving furniture, you can ask for help with your kid, if he has a hobby or a skill he is super good at, you can ask for help in that area. Does this make sense? This can create an opportunity for connection and open the window for more conversation.
I look forward to hearing your response.
Heidi
Hi Faith,
Welcome. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It’s a big betrayal and your heart is crushed – of course. You loved him and that means it is going to take some time to heal.
I have worked with women who were beaten for years and the breakup from their guy is still devastating. Whether the guy was a good guy or bad guy – breakups all feel the same. They hurt because it is the loss of a dream you have invested in. That dream is now shattered. Your day feels different and you are constantly aware of a hole in your life. It just takes time, so it’s important for you to be very kind and compassionate with yourself. Now is the time, more than ever, to REALLY care for yourself. I always encourage doing things that are creative. Creativity is actually a healing activity. Maybe get an adult coloring book and start coloring. Maybe take an online class about cooking. What about taking online country dancing or belly dancing? I also like to suggest adding flowers around. Beautify your home. Journaling is also a very powerful technique. It’s VERY important for you to get all that your feeling, out of your head and into a physical form. With one of my hardest breakups, I talked into a recorder everywhere I went. Whenever I had something I needed to say to him, I pretended that recorder was him and I just let it all out. It helped a TON! None of this is an instant fix, but it can start to help you get grounded in your new life design – without him. There are a ton of other techniques that can help, so if you want more ideas, let us know.
Here is a good video to help you understand what you are going through:
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
Welcome. It sounds like you guys have such a sweet and nourishing relationship, despite everything you have going on.
The first thing I want to address is the story you are putting around him being less connective. Even if he was bored or wanted someone who wasn’t a working mom, it is soooooo important for you to get connected to the truth that is about HIM, not you. The truth is, you are loveable, worth fighting for, worth knowing and you are valuable – whether he chooses you or not. This is such a great opportunity for you to work with this insecurity that is coming up for you. Relationships are so great for that reason – it helps us clean out the lies and limiting beliefs we carry about ourselves by triggering us! It’s hard and uncomfortable though – no doubt. So if you don’t want to seem “needy” then work on this insecurity yourself instead of asking him to make you feel better about yourself. DO you know how to do this?
In relation to the issue at hand, have you asked him anything about it? MANY times, men will go into their “man cave” and process things, before they are willing to talk about it. You have been together for only 9 months. This may be how he processes things. Has he ever done this before?? Typically, women have a natural instinct to want to talk about things and process everything out loud. Men like to go into their caves and process things internally and figure everything out before they speak about it. This is a generalization of course, but is also common. I’m wondering if that is what he is doing.
ONe thing that is helpful for men is when their women is okay with them going through their process instead of needing them to be more communicative and connective. So you can always just say something like, “Listen…I notice you have pulled back some this week. I can feel it and see it. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I just want you to know that I am here for you and would love to listen if and when you are ready. I love you.” And just leave it at that. Just that alone can help him feel supported with whatever he is dealing with internally and then trust that he will tell you when he is ready. Give it a little more time and see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
There is actually no elephant in the room. He has been clear that he is interested in only being friends. It sounds like it’s uncomfortable because you are not wanting to accept that and you want to get back together. That’s why you can’t be just friends. You don’t have that capacity right now. Every time you talk, you are going to want more from him – more than what he is wanting to offer you right now.
My suggestion is, stop talking to him. Get your stuff back and completely disconnect. He hasn’t even truly felt the loss of you in his life because you guys are still connecting. If you disconnect completely and no longer are available, even as a friend, he will then feel the full weight of his decision. Does this mean he will want you back? I don’t know. If he doesn’t, then that’s important information for you to know. If he does, then you guys can sit down and have a chat. Otherwise, if you stay connected, he will never end up feeling the consequences of his choices – and all you will end up doing is torturing yourself trying to be friends, when the truth is, that is not what you want.
I know you want him back – but he is not willing – at least not at this point. He is just connecting and being friendly and trying to re-create what you guys had before you guys became romantic. It’s not possible. So it’s important for you to set some boundaries and let him know this isn’t working for you. You can say something like, “I know we have been friends forever, but then we became more and I developed a different kind of love for you. And now you want to go back to being just friends. I can honor that, but that also means it’s time for me to disconnect and let go of you in the romantic way. I cannot be friends with you right now. It hurts too much. So I really need to just get my things and then I’m going to disconnect for awhile. I will contact you when I feel that I can truly be your friend again. I hope you understand.”
I know this is the last thing you want to say though. I know you want to do everything in your power to get him back and you can do that. Maybe you need to hear him say to you again that he just wants to be friends before you really get it. So if that is the path you want to take, then set up a time to get your stuff and have that conversation – and say how you feel. Maybe that conversation will bring more closure and understanding for you. You can say something like “Hey…I need your help with something. Would you mind if we just have a conversation when I pick up my things?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
It sounds like you are quite clear about your decision. It must be a relief for you to create closure, as it sounds like there have been some significant challenges for you.
If you don’t mind, I would love to talk about your pattern of pulling away and testing people to see if they really care about you. I understand, in theory, it works for you. I wonder if you understand the damage and hurt you are causing in return and the “test” you are putting people through. The reality of ALL relationships, is that your person is going to hurt you. You are going to hurt your person. Walking away and disconnecting and waiting until your person comes “chasing” after you, is not a healthy way to resolve anything. You are responding in that way because of wounded beliefs you carry and your need to be fought for. In essence, you are wanting the other person to do for you, what you fundamentally are not doing for yourself….which is fighting for you. By disconnecting, you are actually abandoning yourself first and foremost. You are not actually working through the issues, allowing your voice to be heard, standing up for yourself, developing communication skills – all of which support yourself to be and stay in a healthy relationship. So by leaving and not really allowing you and that person to work through the discomfort and challenge, you instead punish them for hurting you by walking away. And then you decide that if they value you, they will come back. It’s quite the game and I completely get how it makes you feel better to be fought for and to have the person pass the “test.” I used to play that same game all the time. I was quite brilliant at it actually. It’s a very powerful game. But in the end, it’s not very honoring of you or them. Games like that are sourced by a lot of low self esteem, fear and dysfunction. I know because going through my own therapy and healing process, I connected to the my insecurities that caused me to treat men that way. I’m just offering something to think about – take it or leave it. I would love to keep talking about it with you if you are willing.
Heidi
Hi Alexandra,
Thank you for sharing more details.
It sounds like communication is a real struggle for both of you. Let’s talk about you though, because that is all you have control of. I know you are afraid of losing him, but at what cost? Truth is, you are not being your FULL self. You are holding back deeper feelings, thoughts and emotions. That is a BIG part of who you are and he has no clue about it. He is saying conversations are monotonous and maybe this is part of the reason. He isn’t feeling the depth of who you are, because you are not sharing it. I know he is not sharing either.
So the real question here is – if you don’t feel 100% safe to be 100% of who you are, then what would it take to create that? Yes, I know he is part of the challenge, but if he were to stay exactly the same, what if despite that, you chose to start opening up and being your true authentic self? At the very least, you will have connected to yourself better and he will actually get to know who you really are. My other question is, do you see this as a common pattern for you? Do you tend to hide a lot in relationship?
When you say this, ” It’s not great just sitting around waiting but I know if I were to do something it would probably make the situation worse so I just feel like giving him what he wants is the best choice right now” it’s very much you taking yourself out of the equation and not participating in the design of what is happening. How in the world is he ever going to truly know you, if you just put yourself in the back seat and stay silent, while he drives? This is a relationship – which means TEAMWORK. If you take yourself out of the equation, then he has no teammate to work with. Tell me…what would you like to say to him??
I know you are independent, but maybe that is another thing you can begin to work on…creating a stronger hero instinct for him.
If he feels you don’t need him, there is a disconnect somewhere. You say you do, but it doesn’t sound like it’s coming across strong enough. I too am extremely independent, but I also make sure to ask for help from everyone around me, even though I can do it myself. Why? Because it’s a gift I am giving to myself and to others. It’s a gift for them, to get to help someone they care about. It’s a gift for me to get to feel taken care of, known and to practice receiving. Do you feel you could improve this area of your life? Not just with him, but with everyone?Heidi
Hi Candace,
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. How do you feel about your choice now?
I am wondering something…you have only shared a few details, but is this a pattern you have? That when you get hurt, you pull away? It sounds like you have a lot of trouble forgiving. Reality is…guys are just guys. His comment was completely coming from a naive, unaware place. Yes, it hurt your feelings, but what is stopping you from forgiving his humanness? What is stopping you from being able to connect to his experience of it? Why is it something you cannot get over?
This is not about the relationship. This is about you and the stories you put around whatever is happening. What is soooo important to remember, is in relationship, each person is having their own experience. Each person is creating a story or putting a meaning on whatever is happening. Whose story is right and whose story is wrong?? Neither person is right or wrong and both people are right and wrong. The meaning we put on a person’s words or actions are so relative, depending on the baggage we carry and how we grew up. That’s what can make relationships so challenging sometimes. For example, I had a friend who had this HUGE reaction about something her guy said and when she told me, my initial response was…so? What’s the big deal? He’s just being a silly, innocent guy and doesn’t know any better. It’s easily fixable. Yet, for her, she was devastated. Why? Because what he said triggered her baggage from her past, so she created this BIG story around what he said that he didn’t truly love or care about her…when in reality it wasn’t true.
So what story or what meaning did you create around what he said about the pole dancing?
Heidi
Hi Regina,
Thank you for sharing more details.
I completely understand that you want to hear from him more. It sounds like he is responding and connecting to you, when he is able, considering his job.
I also understand that, from your perspective, he could text you more and he did admit to needing better at it. What I’m more curious about is, what is the core reason he doesn’t reach out more often? For example, I had a boyfriend once who HATED texting. So anytime we texted each other, it was only about what was necessary…nothing was to ever check in or say hello. I had to honor that part of him and not take it personally. So what do you think his REAL reason is that he doesn’t check in with you more often? And second, what does it mean to you, that he doesn’t check in more often. You are having a reaction to this and you have put some type of story or meaning on it that he doesn’t check in more often…what story do you have around it? Lastly, how about considering that this is who he is and it’s not going to change…ever. What can you do to get your needs met, even though he is isn’t being the way you want him to be?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. Is this the first argument you guys have had? And nothing was said, correct? He just got upset one day after you getting sick? You are probably right in that something about you getting sick, really triggered him for some reason. He most likely is TERRIFIED to love. Do you know anything about his past? His relationship with his parents when he was a child? His relationship with his siblings if he has any? It might give you some insight. The thing is, whatever he is afraid of, the fear is waaaaay bigger than his love for you. He probably does still love you, but he is not going to have much access to that right now. Whatever fear is there, it’s meant to “protect” him from ever feeling hurt or loss. He is most likely running the other direction from you, because he is terrified to lose you. When someone is that afraid, there is nothing YOU can say or do to make that fear go away. If people are filling his head with lies about you, then that ALSO is his problem that he is listening to them. First, what you need to realize, is this is who he is. Love is not enough to keep a relationship together. It takes work and it takes BOTH people choosing to stick around through arguments, fears, anxieties and challenges. If he is a runner, then this is what you will be dealing with all the time. People who run from situations sometimes never come back and sometimes just need a bit of space…it all depends on how big and strong the fear is. The thing is, that fear will always be there. There is nothing you can do to make it go away, convince him how the fear is not real or prove to him he won’t lose you. Whatever he is afraid of, it’s been there for a looooong time and that is his own personal demon he needs to face.
How old are the both of you? Are you healthy again? Do you ever run into him?
Heidi
Hi Regina,
Welcome! I completely understand how frustrating it is to have to sit and wait for your guy to respond. How long have you been dating? Have you ever lived in the same city? How did you guys meet? How often do you get to see each other?
Being that you have communicated to him that his lack of texting is hard for you to deal with, it doesn’t sound like anything has changed. Maybe you can try the Marco Polo app. I am a super busy gal, so texting is really annoying many times because I can’t truly have a good conversation that way and express my full thoughts. Marco Polo is great because it’s exactly like texting, but it’s video instead. It works well for me because whether I am in my car, putting on makeup, cooking etc. I am able to actually talk, say everything I want to say, while I am doing other things and it’s so much easier. I use that app with most of my friends over in Europe or other states. It’s so great long distance! Maybe something like that can help out.
Has he ever expressed why he doesn’t text very much? The thing is, this design isn’t working for you. You don’t really get to know someone very well when you can’t actually talk to them, so maybe reconsider this relationship? Being in the intelligence field as a job has to make being in a relationship very difficult. He really may not be that available for a real relationship, which is maybe why a long distance relationship works well for him. Has he been distant like this from the very beginning? You really may be asking something from him that he is not truly willing to offer. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alexandra,
You mentioned that you guys have never argued and your relationship has been easy, but you also said you guys have had your struggles. Which is it? What have your struggles been about?
You mentioned that when you said something about how you were feeling and how it scared him because they were qualities he’s always had and you are just now telling him. You also said that he felt the conversations were monotonous and forced.
It sounds like there might be a few different things happening here. First, it sounds like he is getting uncomfortable for some reason. Something inside of HIM is uneasy and it’s causing him to want to make changes…and you happen to be the first change. He is trying to look to the outside of himself to fix how he is feeling on the inside. He will soon learn that whatever is happening for him, blaming the relationship for his uneasiness is not going to fix anything.
I am also wondering, do you feel confident challenging him, his thoughts, his behaviors? When you express how you feel, how does he respond? How do you guys end up resolving things? Do you give in a lot to what he wants or is he a good listener and does he work WITH you to resolve whatever struggle shows up?
He is getting a taste of what it feels like to not have you in his life and it sounds like he is missing you. I’m wondering how YOU would like this situation to be handled? Does it feel okay for you to just sit and wait until this is over and see how he feels? How does his decision to take this route of disconnecting for a few months, make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You definitely have more restrictions than we do here. There are no specific running times or curfews. But we are heading in that direction, because of the small percentage of people who won’t listen. I was driving down from the mountains yesterday and there is a very popular spot on a creek, near town, where people swim. There must have been at least 75-100 people there, swimming and laying out on rocks. Definitely NOT social distancing. SOOOOO frustrating to see that! Mostly younger kids in their 20’s. Then just down the way, I am watching a woman walking her dog with her face mask on. 2 very different ways to honor this process right??
I hope your dad’s friend ends up okay!
I get it about your friends and not wanting to do the weekly zoom thing. People are at different stages of all of this and needing different things. The best thing we can do in the end, is to just honor ourselves and do whatever we need to, to keep our spirits high. You are doing a great job at that Emilie. You are exercising, eating healthy, not getting overly emotional and dramatic about your guy not talking with you every day and you are focusing on what you DO have. You are a prime example of how to handle stress. All the work you have done on yourself makes you quite resilient! Well done!
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a really good question, but the answer will vary, depending on the scenario.
Would you mind sharing more details? Do you know why he is isn’t responding? Were you in a committed relationship with him or just dating? How long have you known him? What’s your history with him?
Looking forward to your answers.
Heidi
