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Ohhhh! Doesn’t it feel amazing to have your abs coming back out again? It makes all that you are doing more worth it, to have a nice reward like that!
I too have been eating a lot of chocolate! LOL. I’m about to embark on some cleansing though. My poor body can’t take it anymore and I miss feeling really, really good. So hopefully, my ab muscles will be showing me their lovely selves again sometime soon.
So much is changing and still very uncertain. We are supposed to be slowly opening back up again in a few days. I gotta say, so many people have mixed thoughts about that. I know all my gym clients are NOT coming back, even though I work out of a small and controlled space and not a big gym. Everything is super clean and there is plenty of space to keep a distance, but people just don’t trust. I think until a vaccine comes out, many people are going to struggle being in public again. Not many people trust the numbers that are being put out as well. It’s most likely way worse than what they say, being that we still don’t even have enough test kits. It’s all very interesting.
Where are you guys at in the process? Have you been given a date when things can open back up again?
Heidi
Hi Iyoni,
I glad to hear you acknowledging the increased neediness you are feeling. You said you are working on that. I’m curious as to how you are doing that? What specifically are you doing to help yourself when you feel that way?
To answer your question: “How do I know that my unhappiness is in the relationship or outside of the relationship though?”
Your state of happiness is always inside of you – period. Yes, external things can influence moment to moment happiness, but whether you feel happy in general or not, is all about how you feel on the inside. You can have ALL the external “things” you want in your life and you could be completely unhappy. Look at how many super rich and famous people who have everything they could possibly need, end up committing suicide. Then you can find plenty of other people who have nothing, yet they are smiling, connective and feel so peaceful and happy inside. True happiness is not based on the external, because the external is temporary and unpredicatable. You would be on a freakin roller coaster ride of ups and downs if you relied on your outside world to make you feel happy. Instead, when you look inside yourself and work towards feeling happy on your insides, that is consistent, reliable and will ALWAYS be with you. Life become smooth sailing that way. When you are happy from the inside, the outside world becomes much more beautiful, you are more easily able to love and accept others and you are able to appreciate so much more that you never noticed before. It’s not an easy journey though. You are at the beginning of life and have a lot ahead of you. Now is the time to start this way of thinking and living. If you don’t, then it’s very easy to go down the other path where you blame everyone else and everything else for you not feeling happy inside.
I would like to encourage you to shift your focus. Instead of wanting him to become “obsessed” with you, what if instead, you figure out how to become happy again – like when you were at camp. No, you don’t have those same conditions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find that inner happiness. You gotta work for it. You have to fight for it. When you can connect to that inner happiness, you then become a magnet for a guy who wants to feel that happy WITH you. You become a really good girlfriend and much more supportive and loving. Whether your guy will respond to that, is about his journey. One of my favorite quotes is: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and send that out into the world. How others respond is their path, how I respond is mine.” Just something to think about. Wanting him to become “obsessed” with you is more about control than love. Love is about supporting the best in another and then letting the cards fall where they may. There are no guarantees with love. The more you try to control it, the more it will fall apart on you eventually. What about having the mindset of, “I am going to be the very best girlfriend I can possibly be. If he is not able to accept and value that, that is his path. My path is feeling good about who I am and how I treat him and myself. My path is about nourishing the love between us, in the very best ways. If it still doesn’t end up working out, then I trust that is what needs to happen and I will be okay.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand your desire to want him to have eyes only for you. It feels good when you believe that he is completely focused and fulfilled by only you.
Can you tell me a little more about your relationship? Do you know why his last relationship didn’t work out? You say that he goes awhile without talking to other girls and then he starts back up again. Have you noticed any pattern that would trigger this? Like after you guys get into an argument or something? Or does it seem to happen no matter what? When he talks to other girls, is he flirty? I’m curious why you are worried that he talks to other girls. It’s quite normal, so I’m wondering what aspect specifically you are worried about. I know you know he talks to other girls, but HOW does he talk with them that makes you feel insecure?
The reality is, if you guys breakup, he may find another girl right away. It sounds like he has an issues of being alone. It sounds like he might be the kind a guy who needs high doses of self-esteem boosts and he gets that from women. If this is true, he is carrying A LOT of baggage inside and the best way he knows how to take care of that, is by engaging with women. I wish this type of issue were something you can fix, but it isn’t. The issue is inside of him and only something that he can fix himself. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with how much you love him – you could love him 100 million times more intensely and it still would not be enough. I’m not sure this is his issue though. What are your thoughts on that?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I understand your question as I have had that same exact thought many times. Men feel the same way too. I know plenty of guys who ask “where are all the good women out there?” It’s so funny because I hear that from both men and women and I wonder, how the heck are they not finding each other? Truth is, there are a TON of good, single people out there, but they are just not vibing with each other. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, right? I have been on dates with some really really good guys. We just weren’t the kind of match for a long term relationship. There are so many areas that need to click in order for a relationship to get started…especially the older we get. When I was younger, I clicked with sooooo many more guys. Now, it hardly happens. As we get older, everything changes, so it’s not so easy to click with someone and open up. Plus, our wounds have had many more years to grow roots and sabotage relationships and connections. LOL.
I know at times, it can get exhausting. Remember – when you start to feel like you are losing hope, you put your dreams into God’s hands and then let go. Trust you will be provided for and taken care of in the very best way – and in ways that you can’t even imagine right now. Your dream matters – your desire to love matters – your generosity of spirit matters – so until all of that is fulfilled through a man, your job is to become the very best person you possibly can become right now. It is so crucial you keep that beautiful heart of yours alive and open and strong as you wait. Keep facing your fears, your anxieties, your fears and then trust that God has the rest covered.
I know you know all of this already. I am just reminding you.
Heidi
Hi Candace,
Oh goodness! Be kind to yourself! There is absolutely NOTHING to be embarrassed of. You are human and you are doing what the majority of people do – which is relieving the pressure of pain. Every single decision we make, every second is about 2 things: avoiding pain and feeling pleasure. The food we eat, the clothes we wear, the places we go to, the conversations we have. Every single thing revolves around the pain and pleasure principle. So…it’s VERY normal for you to go back and that’s okay! The very best thing you can do for yourself is stay connected to your choices. I can’t tell you how many times in my life, I decided to date a guy or get back together or whatever, KNOWING 100% that I was walking into a mess. My eyes were wide open and I knew I was going to get hurt. So as I walked into those situations, I chose to make the best of it. I learned, I grew, I kept working on myself and my need to be in relationship with challenge and chaos.
The reality is Candace, either way you choose – to stay with him or breakup – you are going to face pain. Either path you choose, there are lessons for you to learn and grow from. Either way you choose, there are many gifts waiting for you to discover – about yourself. SO what needs to happen now is, commit fully to your choice. If you are going to be with him, then be with him and don’t waiver. Learn what you need to learn about him, relationships, yourself along the way. If a point comes where you can’t stand it anymore, then you will have a different choice to make at that time. But for now, for today, stay connected to yourself, support yourself and if anyone gives you shit about it, you just say, “You know – I know exactly what I’m walking back into. I do know that I have hurt a lot being with him. But you know what, I still have some things to learn about myself and relationships by being with him. I have no idea how long this will last and I actually know I will get hurt again – but I will be okay. Being back with him is going to teach me a lot of things that I wouldn’t learn on my own. I figure at the very least, I can learn how to be a better girlfriend, I can practice better communication and all of that will only prepare me to be better for the next guy that comes along eventually. For right now, I choose him and I am okay with that.”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Ioyna,
I completely understand all the wavering you feel. You want to fight for the relationship, because there is a lot of good there and a strong connection. You also see a lot of areas where it doesn’t work very well.
It also is an EXTREMELY difficult time to keep a relationship working well when 1 is in college and the other is in high school. SOOOOOO much changes when you go to college. It’s a HUGE time for development and high school seems so far away.
First and foremost, your happiness is not about him, it’s about you. Even though you used to be happy and he felt like he was enough, if that has changed, that is for YOU to deal with in yourself, not for him to fix. The more you depend on HIM to fix how you feel, by behaving or being the way you want him to be, the more you are just going to be disappointed and the more you are contributing to his low self esteem. It is NEVER anyone else’s job to make sure you are happy. If he is not enough for you, it’s time you own that for yourself and either leave the relationship or shift your perspective. If you cannot accept him for EXACTLY who he is and you feel you can only be in relationship with him if he changes, then you are walking down a path that will never work and you will only end up more miserable. If he wants to live closed off, he gets to be that way. If he wants to not communicate, he gets to do that. If he doesn’t want to show much affection, then that is his choice. He gets to be who he wants to be. I promise life will teach him the consequences of that and he will have many choice points along the way to either step up or continue to close down. Your journey is the same. You have the choice to either participate and accept with how he wants to be in life or decide that you love yourself enough to say goodbye, even to the good parts, so you no longer have to feel a daily, constant rejection with him.
There is so much more to say, but I’m going to stop there and just see how what I said feels to you. Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I see that what I said came across different than my intention, so let’s see if I can clear this up.
I was responding to the paragraph below that you wrote. It was not a characterization of how you handled this last guy, as your choices and actions were very clear and straightforward – not a game. I was just suggesting to take a look at this pattern you mentioned below – for general purposes. Hopefully this clears it up for you.
“Do I pull away when I get hurt? Yes. In my life, I have opened up many times just to have the other person not care about my feelings and keep doing exactly what I said hurts me. I have learned that if I pull away, people who care eventually come looking for me. When they ask for an explanation of why I have been so distant, I can tell them how I feel, and they are 100% receptive. But if I had just told them directly, I would have gotten a completely different reaction. People who don’t care don’t come looking for me. I still win because at least that person is out of my life at that point, and I have avoided the heartache of telling them how I feel just to be shut down.”
It sounds like you have some good support. I LOVE that your friend sends you a list of why the relationship sucked! Brilliant! That is actually a technique that is taught, to help people through breakups.
How are you feeling? It sounds like you are still very solid in your choice, but it still may be difficult and hard right now. Or maybe you are feeling better each day about the loss – so how are you experiencing yourself through this?
Heidi
Very good lessons you are teaching your boys! You definitely have far surpassed your mother’s example. Sheesh! She was quite the challenge wasn’t she? I’m so glad you have chosen to take a different path. Out of curiosity, any thoughts, feelings etc. that have come since she passed? I know initially you didn’t feel much.
It’s too back the guy is agnostic. Considering your very strong beliefs, a Christian guy is essential for you. Religion is one of those categories that need to be at least in the same shade of color. At least you had some fun conversations with him and had a good connection in other areas. It’s good practice, regardless.
I’m glad you get to be busy and enjoying walks with your co-workers. Hopefully the weather will continue to warm up and stay that way, so we can evolve out of this phase. Our lockdown here in CO is supposed to end next week, but in talking to everyone, no one is going back out. It’s for sure going to take awhile for everyone to feel okay about that. I have no doubt masks and gloves etc. will still be worn for quite awhile. Summer is just around the corner, so that should help.
It was great to hear from you and receive an update!!!
Heidi
Hi Bruzaite,
Welcome! I am so so sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful to be fully and completely invested in someone and not have that returned. It’s losing a big dream and vision you had for your life and not it’s all different.
To be honest, it sounds like he has really moved on with his life. He is being quite clear that he doesn’t have feelings for you. The thing is, if he never felt very open to you in the first place, he was never really invested in the relationship. Even if you invested completely and shifted everything around for yourself, I’m not so sure he would have valued or appreciated you for all that you are. Him ending things now, may have actually spared you all kind of mess and an even worse kind of rejection. I’m not sure he would end up being the kind of partner that you really need. Would you say that he has ever been supportive of you completely? Did YOU enjoy talking with him? Did you enjoy your relationship with him? Would you say he was a really good partner and that your love for him was strong, before having your child?
What I do suggest however, is to continue down your journey of self discovery. Stay committed to becoming more healthy, learning more about how you can be a better partner, build your self-esteem back up and learn how to be the best kind of co-parent with him that you can be. The thing about that is, if he sees you becoming more and more healthy, more confident and that you are okay and you can thrive and be happy, without him, it actually may cause him to become interested again. Regardless, you have been through a lot and it sounds like it’s time to start building yourself back up again. Do you have any people that can help you through this? Friends? Therapists? Strong family?
It’s hard to go through everything you have been through and now having lost your guy. It’s a good time to really nourish yourself, be compassionate and loving towards yourself and lean on support from those who are close to you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello Iyoni,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
Would you mind sharing more details? What exactly are you guys arguing about every day?
It sounds like what he is offering you, is not enough for you. Would you mind sharing more details about that?
Trying to get someone to be different than they actually are, is not a path I would recommend to go down. It creates an incredibly amount of chaos and resentment builds up over time and becomes toxic to the relationship. What’s important, healthy and a very powerful love, is when both people are very accepting of each other and happy in that.
It sounds like you may have chosen a guy who is not very open possibly? Can you explain his personality more? Has he changed since the beginning of the relationship? Do you know if this is just who he is or if it’s who he is with you specifically? How old are you guys?
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Patricia,
I’m just going to be straight forward here. You don’t get into those heads. You don’t redirect anything or get them to open up. Essentially, what you are wanting to do, is change him into a person that is able to meet your needs and make you happy. It’s not his job to be what you want so you can be happy with him. What we ALL need to do in a relationship we choose to participate in, is to accept the person for EXACTLY who they are. That is part of what real love is. Love is not, “I will love you and be happy when you change.” I understand your desire to want him to change though. It’s quite the common request we get from women. “How do I get him to love me? How do I get him to commit? How do I get him to open to me?” All of those requests are women not accepting the man they are choosing and wanting him to change so they can be happy. God knows I also fell into that trap MANY times in my younger years. I used to date many guys that had incredible potential and I would do what I could to help them access that potential. Never once did it work.
Your guy is who he is, because that is what he wants to be – and he gets to be that. Even though he doesn’t communicate, even though he is most likely cheating, even though he is ghosting now, even though he is very young emotionally and not very mature when it comes to relationships – you are the one choosing him. So the real challenge here is not about changing him, it’s about looking inside of yourself and the wounds that you carry and explore why you are wanting to fight for man who does not have the ability, nor wants the ability to be a healthy, connective, caring, supportive partner for you. He is not interested in being that kind of man and not a single person on this earth can change that – except for him. If he changes, it needs to come from inside of him, otherwise anything he feels forced or manipulated into, will backfire and it will never stick.
One of the main things I coach people through when choosing who to be in a relationship with, is looking at who their person is in their worst moments. When choosing a partner, it is super easy to connect to the best parts and feel that chemistry. It’s super easy to see the potential. What is not easy is being able to also know the worst of a person and still be able to accept them and love them in that space. This is the point where a lot of people get stuck, because many times, the worst side of someone is not kind. They may discover their person ghosts and disappears in an argument, or they become verbally or physically abusive. They discover that the person’s worst side is actually not acceptable, loveable or sustainable for a long term healthy relationship. But because they connect so strongly to the other parts that are good, they themselves will start to compromise and internally negotiate and start to think of ways to maybe help change their partner, or ways to get around the worst parts. And then it begins…the endless cycle of both people trying to change each other on some level and truly not accepting what they have chosen – therefore just causing more damage and chaos.
It has been proven, over and over and over again – in order to have a healthy relationship that is sustainable, it takes 2 people who are interested in growth, listening to each other and wanting to have healthy exchanges. It takes 2 people to commit to the same vision. And that takes work. Your guy does not have the same vision as you do. Your guy is not willing to fight for keeping the family together and you cannot make him want that. He has a lot of wounds he is carrying inside of him – which is why he is the way he is. Only he can face that and heal that. You cannot do that for him, just as he cannot make you feel or react any differently than you do. And lastly, you also want to make sure that you never ask something from someone, you are not willing to do yourself first. So…you want him to open up to you and commit to you and come back to you so you can have your family back together. In order for him to do truly that, he would need to face his fears. He would need to look inside of him and connect with his anger (depression is anger turned inwards). He would need to feel things so he can forgive before he is able to truly move forward. All he is doing is running away from everything he feels internally and he is doing what most people do. Trying to feel happy or relief in any way possible, from the pain he is carrying. How about you? Are you willing to do the same with yourself? Are you willing to face your fears? Is it possible that you are wanting to avoid feeling alone and avoid feeling like a failure because you couldn’t keep your family together? Are you willing to look inside of yourself about why you are choosing this?
Heidi
Hi Patricia,
I am so so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like maybe you guys grew slowly apart from each other the past few years. Would you say that is true?
I completely understand that you want your family back. Of course you do. I know how much it hurts to watch everything break up and not be able to do anything about it.
Would you mind sharing more details? Even though you guys were still talking daily, would you say you felt that chemistry with each other? When you guys would hang out, did BOTH of you make those efforts and initiate, or did you find your self making more efforts than he was? Have you talked to him about this other woman? Before a month ago, did you really like your relationship? Did you feel that he liked it as well?
I know you want your family back together, but would you be willing to slow down a bit and truly consider what that means? There is something happening in the relationship that isn’t working. It’s so important to really look at that and acknowledge that. If you just get him to come back, that won’t be enough. You BOTH then need to work on improving the relationship in very specific ways. I’m not sure he is that kind of guy. He has chosen to go cheat on you, no communicate and just completely ghost you. Are you saying you are willing to completely ignore and take him back, all in efforts to have your family back together? If that is true, then I want to encourage to look inside of yourself and notice what is happening for you. The moment you make anybody more important than loving and caring for yourself, you have lost. If you take him back without the agreement to truly work deeply on yourselves and the relationship, then you are teaching him he can do whatever he wants, without consequence, because having your family together is more important than yourself and your well being and your happiness. Out of curiosity, is he still connecting with your child? Is he still making efforts to be a dad or is he ghosting your kid too? I know you want more than just having your family back together. I know you want it to be a happy family. You want to create a family that stays together, that loves being together and works through anything together. Dreams like that are beautiful! That hard part about that is finding the right kind of guy that wants the same thing and is willing to love you and your child DEEPLY and work for keeping the family together as well. I’m not sure he is that kind of guy, considering how he has handled this ending. Just something to think about.
The 12 word text is basically a way to activate his hero instinct. It DOES NOT fix anything, but what it can do is get his attention and help get him talking to you again. The exact words don’t matter. It’s more about the concept. You are asking him for help with something. So you can say something like, “Hey. Would you mind helping me with something?” and leave it at that. It will activate his curiosity and most guys will text back and ask what you need help with. Then you need to come up with something he can help you with. It can be anything. You can ask for advice about something, you can ask for help moving furniture, you can ask for help with your kid, if he has a hobby or a skill he is super good at, you can ask for help in that area. Does this make sense? This can create an opportunity for connection and open the window for more conversation.
I look forward to hearing your response.
Heidi
Hi Faith,
Welcome. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It’s a big betrayal and your heart is crushed – of course. You loved him and that means it is going to take some time to heal.
I have worked with women who were beaten for years and the breakup from their guy is still devastating. Whether the guy was a good guy or bad guy – breakups all feel the same. They hurt because it is the loss of a dream you have invested in. That dream is now shattered. Your day feels different and you are constantly aware of a hole in your life. It just takes time, so it’s important for you to be very kind and compassionate with yourself. Now is the time, more than ever, to REALLY care for yourself. I always encourage doing things that are creative. Creativity is actually a healing activity. Maybe get an adult coloring book and start coloring. Maybe take an online class about cooking. What about taking online country dancing or belly dancing? I also like to suggest adding flowers around. Beautify your home. Journaling is also a very powerful technique. It’s VERY important for you to get all that your feeling, out of your head and into a physical form. With one of my hardest breakups, I talked into a recorder everywhere I went. Whenever I had something I needed to say to him, I pretended that recorder was him and I just let it all out. It helped a TON! None of this is an instant fix, but it can start to help you get grounded in your new life design – without him. There are a ton of other techniques that can help, so if you want more ideas, let us know.
Here is a good video to help you understand what you are going through:
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
Welcome. It sounds like you guys have such a sweet and nourishing relationship, despite everything you have going on.
The first thing I want to address is the story you are putting around him being less connective. Even if he was bored or wanted someone who wasn’t a working mom, it is soooooo important for you to get connected to the truth that is about HIM, not you. The truth is, you are loveable, worth fighting for, worth knowing and you are valuable – whether he chooses you or not. This is such a great opportunity for you to work with this insecurity that is coming up for you. Relationships are so great for that reason – it helps us clean out the lies and limiting beliefs we carry about ourselves by triggering us! It’s hard and uncomfortable though – no doubt. So if you don’t want to seem “needy” then work on this insecurity yourself instead of asking him to make you feel better about yourself. DO you know how to do this?
In relation to the issue at hand, have you asked him anything about it? MANY times, men will go into their “man cave” and process things, before they are willing to talk about it. You have been together for only 9 months. This may be how he processes things. Has he ever done this before?? Typically, women have a natural instinct to want to talk about things and process everything out loud. Men like to go into their caves and process things internally and figure everything out before they speak about it. This is a generalization of course, but is also common. I’m wondering if that is what he is doing.
ONe thing that is helpful for men is when their women is okay with them going through their process instead of needing them to be more communicative and connective. So you can always just say something like, “Listen…I notice you have pulled back some this week. I can feel it and see it. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I just want you to know that I am here for you and would love to listen if and when you are ready. I love you.” And just leave it at that. Just that alone can help him feel supported with whatever he is dealing with internally and then trust that he will tell you when he is ready. Give it a little more time and see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
There is actually no elephant in the room. He has been clear that he is interested in only being friends. It sounds like it’s uncomfortable because you are not wanting to accept that and you want to get back together. That’s why you can’t be just friends. You don’t have that capacity right now. Every time you talk, you are going to want more from him – more than what he is wanting to offer you right now.
My suggestion is, stop talking to him. Get your stuff back and completely disconnect. He hasn’t even truly felt the loss of you in his life because you guys are still connecting. If you disconnect completely and no longer are available, even as a friend, he will then feel the full weight of his decision. Does this mean he will want you back? I don’t know. If he doesn’t, then that’s important information for you to know. If he does, then you guys can sit down and have a chat. Otherwise, if you stay connected, he will never end up feeling the consequences of his choices – and all you will end up doing is torturing yourself trying to be friends, when the truth is, that is not what you want.
I know you want him back – but he is not willing – at least not at this point. He is just connecting and being friendly and trying to re-create what you guys had before you guys became romantic. It’s not possible. So it’s important for you to set some boundaries and let him know this isn’t working for you. You can say something like, “I know we have been friends forever, but then we became more and I developed a different kind of love for you. And now you want to go back to being just friends. I can honor that, but that also means it’s time for me to disconnect and let go of you in the romantic way. I cannot be friends with you right now. It hurts too much. So I really need to just get my things and then I’m going to disconnect for awhile. I will contact you when I feel that I can truly be your friend again. I hope you understand.”
I know this is the last thing you want to say though. I know you want to do everything in your power to get him back and you can do that. Maybe you need to hear him say to you again that he just wants to be friends before you really get it. So if that is the path you want to take, then set up a time to get your stuff and have that conversation – and say how you feel. Maybe that conversation will bring more closure and understanding for you. You can say something like “Hey…I need your help with something. Would you mind if we just have a conversation when I pick up my things?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
