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Hi Morgan,
I understand your question and your desire to help him. You care about him and want him to feel good on the inside.
There is only so much you can do to help someone else. It’s kind of like the saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” So you can lead him in the direction, but ultimately, the deeper issues and baggage he is carrying around, are things only he can deal with himself. He has to be ready to let go of his hurt, anger, resentment and fear. He has to be willing to start to take down those walls. You cannot do it for him. So one of the most powerful ways to help him, is lead by example. You want him to face his fears, so face your own first. Deal with your jealousy and where it comes from. Face your own fears. Many tend to learn a lot by watching. And if he sees you are really looking at how you are affecting the relationship and him, then he may be willing to do the same. Another way of leading him is to talk to his very best self. Meaning, if he is struggling because he is afraid, you could say something like, “I know it’s scary. I get it. But you know what? You have been through much worse things and you are okay. You are strong enough to handle whatever happens. I know that about you.” So the idea is, to remind him of his best qualities more often. Remind him of what he is capable of. Remind him of why you are fighting for him. Remind him of his very best qualities. This can help build self-esteem. The last one is to keep doing the hero thing. Keep asking him for help. Men LOVE to feel needed and then receive the appreciation after. Make things up that you need help up. Then make sure you always follow up with some kind of reward.
None of these things is going to fix the baggage he carries, but like I said, it can lead him to the water. Maybe at some point he will be willing to drink…but again, that’s up to him. If he isn’t willing to go that route, then there is point where you have decide if this is the kind of guy you want in your life and either accept the way he wants to live his life and be with him, or move on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand your concern and the feeling you have that he might behave like that again. The truth is, it’s pretty much guaranteed that he will do what he wants. He has shown that to you, since the beginning. There have been several times he has talked to other girls. This is a strong pattern and the only way to change those strong patterns, is to deal with his fears, his jealousy, his hurt. It sounds like his last girlfriend really did a number on him. He is pretty wounded and his heart is not open. Therefore, you don’t get to celebrate anniversaries with him, you don’t get to have a guy who is open and communicative with you and you don’t get to have a guy who is 100% committed – because he is afraid of getting hurt again. So yes, he will find a way to sabotage at some point again. It may be talking to another girl again, but if not, it will be something else.
Getting jealous and controlling whether or not you guys can talk to other people is not helping. Your relationship and that agreement is based on fear. Imagine being with someone and just loving them for who they are and feeling so proud of the kind of person they choose to be in the world. Imagine not needing to control who they talk to. Imagine just letting things be how they truly are, and loving it.
You both are trying to NOT feel jealous by controlling each other with this agreement vs. facing the jealousy. Jealousy is insecurity. Why not face it and deal with it? Imagine feeling so secure inside yourself that it doesn’t matter if he talks to other girls – with that being said, I’m not condoning flirty behavior. However I do believe men and women CAN be friends up to a point.
What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
I LOVE your honesty and what you are sharing! It helps me understand your mindset a lot better.
Let’s talk about this a little more. First thing is, there is no such thing as a safe and secure relationship. By that I mean, love is always changing and growing, therefore there is nothing in the world that makes it a guarantee. Couples after 30 years of marriage fall out of love. People who were madly in love and thought they had a wonderful relationship, will all of a sudden go through something and they break up. You are afraid of breaking up and so you believe that if he is obsessed with you, you will be safe in the relationship. There just is no truth in that. There is no such thing as a guarantee. There is over a 50% divorce rate these days. I’m sure a high percentage of those people, when making their vows, meant it from the depths of their hearts, yet they still end up divorced down the road. Promises, feelings, connections and relationships are all influenced by what is inside of each person and the outside experiences that show up. It’s just life and it’s how relationships and love works. These are things that need to be cared for, nurtured, paid attention to on a daily basis if it is going to be sustainable. And even at that, it could still fall apart.
So what if you approached this with a different mindset. The real truth is, you want him obsessed with you, so you don’t ever have to hurt again. I get that. We ALL want to avoid that feeling of rejection and hurt. However, when ANYTHING is driven by fear, it is going to fall apart and blow up in your face. Whenever you make decisions in your life, in general, you want the driving energy to be based in truth, peace, calm and feeling grounded and centered. When you make decisions based on fear, it turns everything into a big mess!
So I would like to encourage you to face your fear. This is a really good skill to practice because there will be a gazillion more times in your life where you will have a choice to either let fear be in the driver’s seat or let the truth be in the driver’s seat. The truth is Iyoni, you will be okay if you guys break up. You are strong enough to handle whatever happens between the 2 of you. The lie you are believing in that is driving your fear is that you are not going to be okay if you go through one of those conversations again. So…what if you trusted in YOURSELF. What if you said “I am going to love and be the best kind of girlfriend I can be because that is the kind of person I want to be in this world. If he accepts that and embraces it, then great! If he doesn’t, I know I will be okay. I know I will figure out how to get back up on my feet and continue to move forward. I know I will learn many things from the situation. I know I am resilient. I will be okay.” Thoughts?
Besides, I don’t know many couples who haven’t at one point or another, considered separating. It’s a healthy thing! It forces people to really look at their commitments and see if it still has meaning. Hard conversations like that really slow things down and cause people to take a deeper look into themselves and decide what they really want and what they are going to fight for. Wouldn’t you say that is something that is helpful? Don’t you want him to be with you because he is inspired by you? Don’t you want him to be with you because he feels like his very best self when he is around you? Don’t you want him to be with you because you cause him to feel things in himself that only you can do? If he doesn’t have those kinds of experiences with you, then he shouldn’t be with you. If he doesn’t feel good in the relationship, then he does need to re-evaluate what he is doing. And the same is true for you.
So what about figuring out a way to face your F.E.A.R. (false evidence appearing real) and let go of trying to control the situation so you can feel safe and secure. What if instead, you embraced your fear, find trust in yourself and decide the be the kind of girlfriend you want to be, because that is the kind of person you want to be. Period. Or decide that it’s time to end the relationship. One way or the other. Having 1 foot in and 1 foot out, is part of the problem here. You can’t say you love someone and want to be with them and only give them part of who you are. You either need to be all in or all out. So what do you want?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I will respond here with some questions, but would you mind creating your own thread? It helps us be able to better keep track and make sure everyone is being responded to. We don’t want to miss anything!
First of all, welcome! We are glad you are here. You are asking some great questions. I’m so sorry you are having to experience your first time back out there this way. Things have changed a lot in the dating world since the online community has taken over.
First, it’s not your “fault” that it turned out this way. You BOTH made decisions to get to this point. Most guys, after sharing a weekend with a lady they just met, are not thinking long term. You are correct…if you wanted something more long term, this moved pretty fast. The faster you move, the odds of crashing and burning are pretty high.
Let’s see if there is a way to possibly salvage this. Are you guys still talking at all? Or did he cut it off completely and there is no contact? Did it “end” peacefully? And he said he didn’t see a future with you…he was clear about that, yes? Or was he saying that he didn’t want a long term relationship right now? How long has it been since you had that weekend together? How many dates did you go on before having your weekend together?
Heidi
Hi Bruzaite,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling. Any thoughts on what was said? Any other questions? Feel free to even just vent and come here to talk. We are here to help you through this!
Hope to hear from you soon.
Heidi
Ohhhh! Doesn’t it feel amazing to have your abs coming back out again? It makes all that you are doing more worth it, to have a nice reward like that!
I too have been eating a lot of chocolate! LOL. I’m about to embark on some cleansing though. My poor body can’t take it anymore and I miss feeling really, really good. So hopefully, my ab muscles will be showing me their lovely selves again sometime soon.
So much is changing and still very uncertain. We are supposed to be slowly opening back up again in a few days. I gotta say, so many people have mixed thoughts about that. I know all my gym clients are NOT coming back, even though I work out of a small and controlled space and not a big gym. Everything is super clean and there is plenty of space to keep a distance, but people just don’t trust. I think until a vaccine comes out, many people are going to struggle being in public again. Not many people trust the numbers that are being put out as well. It’s most likely way worse than what they say, being that we still don’t even have enough test kits. It’s all very interesting.
Where are you guys at in the process? Have you been given a date when things can open back up again?
Heidi
Hi Iyoni,
I glad to hear you acknowledging the increased neediness you are feeling. You said you are working on that. I’m curious as to how you are doing that? What specifically are you doing to help yourself when you feel that way?
To answer your question: “How do I know that my unhappiness is in the relationship or outside of the relationship though?”
Your state of happiness is always inside of you – period. Yes, external things can influence moment to moment happiness, but whether you feel happy in general or not, is all about how you feel on the inside. You can have ALL the external “things” you want in your life and you could be completely unhappy. Look at how many super rich and famous people who have everything they could possibly need, end up committing suicide. Then you can find plenty of other people who have nothing, yet they are smiling, connective and feel so peaceful and happy inside. True happiness is not based on the external, because the external is temporary and unpredicatable. You would be on a freakin roller coaster ride of ups and downs if you relied on your outside world to make you feel happy. Instead, when you look inside yourself and work towards feeling happy on your insides, that is consistent, reliable and will ALWAYS be with you. Life become smooth sailing that way. When you are happy from the inside, the outside world becomes much more beautiful, you are more easily able to love and accept others and you are able to appreciate so much more that you never noticed before. It’s not an easy journey though. You are at the beginning of life and have a lot ahead of you. Now is the time to start this way of thinking and living. If you don’t, then it’s very easy to go down the other path where you blame everyone else and everything else for you not feeling happy inside.
I would like to encourage you to shift your focus. Instead of wanting him to become “obsessed” with you, what if instead, you figure out how to become happy again – like when you were at camp. No, you don’t have those same conditions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find that inner happiness. You gotta work for it. You have to fight for it. When you can connect to that inner happiness, you then become a magnet for a guy who wants to feel that happy WITH you. You become a really good girlfriend and much more supportive and loving. Whether your guy will respond to that, is about his journey. One of my favorite quotes is: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and send that out into the world. How others respond is their path, how I respond is mine.” Just something to think about. Wanting him to become “obsessed” with you is more about control than love. Love is about supporting the best in another and then letting the cards fall where they may. There are no guarantees with love. The more you try to control it, the more it will fall apart on you eventually. What about having the mindset of, “I am going to be the very best girlfriend I can possibly be. If he is not able to accept and value that, that is his path. My path is feeling good about who I am and how I treat him and myself. My path is about nourishing the love between us, in the very best ways. If it still doesn’t end up working out, then I trust that is what needs to happen and I will be okay.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand your desire to want him to have eyes only for you. It feels good when you believe that he is completely focused and fulfilled by only you.
Can you tell me a little more about your relationship? Do you know why his last relationship didn’t work out? You say that he goes awhile without talking to other girls and then he starts back up again. Have you noticed any pattern that would trigger this? Like after you guys get into an argument or something? Or does it seem to happen no matter what? When he talks to other girls, is he flirty? I’m curious why you are worried that he talks to other girls. It’s quite normal, so I’m wondering what aspect specifically you are worried about. I know you know he talks to other girls, but HOW does he talk with them that makes you feel insecure?
The reality is, if you guys breakup, he may find another girl right away. It sounds like he has an issues of being alone. It sounds like he might be the kind a guy who needs high doses of self-esteem boosts and he gets that from women. If this is true, he is carrying A LOT of baggage inside and the best way he knows how to take care of that, is by engaging with women. I wish this type of issue were something you can fix, but it isn’t. The issue is inside of him and only something that he can fix himself. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with how much you love him – you could love him 100 million times more intensely and it still would not be enough. I’m not sure this is his issue though. What are your thoughts on that?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I understand your question as I have had that same exact thought many times. Men feel the same way too. I know plenty of guys who ask “where are all the good women out there?” It’s so funny because I hear that from both men and women and I wonder, how the heck are they not finding each other? Truth is, there are a TON of good, single people out there, but they are just not vibing with each other. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, right? I have been on dates with some really really good guys. We just weren’t the kind of match for a long term relationship. There are so many areas that need to click in order for a relationship to get started…especially the older we get. When I was younger, I clicked with sooooo many more guys. Now, it hardly happens. As we get older, everything changes, so it’s not so easy to click with someone and open up. Plus, our wounds have had many more years to grow roots and sabotage relationships and connections. LOL.
I know at times, it can get exhausting. Remember – when you start to feel like you are losing hope, you put your dreams into God’s hands and then let go. Trust you will be provided for and taken care of in the very best way – and in ways that you can’t even imagine right now. Your dream matters – your desire to love matters – your generosity of spirit matters – so until all of that is fulfilled through a man, your job is to become the very best person you possibly can become right now. It is so crucial you keep that beautiful heart of yours alive and open and strong as you wait. Keep facing your fears, your anxieties, your fears and then trust that God has the rest covered.
I know you know all of this already. I am just reminding you.
Heidi
Hi Candace,
Oh goodness! Be kind to yourself! There is absolutely NOTHING to be embarrassed of. You are human and you are doing what the majority of people do – which is relieving the pressure of pain. Every single decision we make, every second is about 2 things: avoiding pain and feeling pleasure. The food we eat, the clothes we wear, the places we go to, the conversations we have. Every single thing revolves around the pain and pleasure principle. So…it’s VERY normal for you to go back and that’s okay! The very best thing you can do for yourself is stay connected to your choices. I can’t tell you how many times in my life, I decided to date a guy or get back together or whatever, KNOWING 100% that I was walking into a mess. My eyes were wide open and I knew I was going to get hurt. So as I walked into those situations, I chose to make the best of it. I learned, I grew, I kept working on myself and my need to be in relationship with challenge and chaos.
The reality is Candace, either way you choose – to stay with him or breakup – you are going to face pain. Either path you choose, there are lessons for you to learn and grow from. Either way you choose, there are many gifts waiting for you to discover – about yourself. SO what needs to happen now is, commit fully to your choice. If you are going to be with him, then be with him and don’t waiver. Learn what you need to learn about him, relationships, yourself along the way. If a point comes where you can’t stand it anymore, then you will have a different choice to make at that time. But for now, for today, stay connected to yourself, support yourself and if anyone gives you shit about it, you just say, “You know – I know exactly what I’m walking back into. I do know that I have hurt a lot being with him. But you know what, I still have some things to learn about myself and relationships by being with him. I have no idea how long this will last and I actually know I will get hurt again – but I will be okay. Being back with him is going to teach me a lot of things that I wouldn’t learn on my own. I figure at the very least, I can learn how to be a better girlfriend, I can practice better communication and all of that will only prepare me to be better for the next guy that comes along eventually. For right now, I choose him and I am okay with that.”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Ioyna,
I completely understand all the wavering you feel. You want to fight for the relationship, because there is a lot of good there and a strong connection. You also see a lot of areas where it doesn’t work very well.
It also is an EXTREMELY difficult time to keep a relationship working well when 1 is in college and the other is in high school. SOOOOOO much changes when you go to college. It’s a HUGE time for development and high school seems so far away.
First and foremost, your happiness is not about him, it’s about you. Even though you used to be happy and he felt like he was enough, if that has changed, that is for YOU to deal with in yourself, not for him to fix. The more you depend on HIM to fix how you feel, by behaving or being the way you want him to be, the more you are just going to be disappointed and the more you are contributing to his low self esteem. It is NEVER anyone else’s job to make sure you are happy. If he is not enough for you, it’s time you own that for yourself and either leave the relationship or shift your perspective. If you cannot accept him for EXACTLY who he is and you feel you can only be in relationship with him if he changes, then you are walking down a path that will never work and you will only end up more miserable. If he wants to live closed off, he gets to be that way. If he wants to not communicate, he gets to do that. If he doesn’t want to show much affection, then that is his choice. He gets to be who he wants to be. I promise life will teach him the consequences of that and he will have many choice points along the way to either step up or continue to close down. Your journey is the same. You have the choice to either participate and accept with how he wants to be in life or decide that you love yourself enough to say goodbye, even to the good parts, so you no longer have to feel a daily, constant rejection with him.
There is so much more to say, but I’m going to stop there and just see how what I said feels to you. Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I see that what I said came across different than my intention, so let’s see if I can clear this up.
I was responding to the paragraph below that you wrote. It was not a characterization of how you handled this last guy, as your choices and actions were very clear and straightforward – not a game. I was just suggesting to take a look at this pattern you mentioned below – for general purposes. Hopefully this clears it up for you.
“Do I pull away when I get hurt? Yes. In my life, I have opened up many times just to have the other person not care about my feelings and keep doing exactly what I said hurts me. I have learned that if I pull away, people who care eventually come looking for me. When they ask for an explanation of why I have been so distant, I can tell them how I feel, and they are 100% receptive. But if I had just told them directly, I would have gotten a completely different reaction. People who don’t care don’t come looking for me. I still win because at least that person is out of my life at that point, and I have avoided the heartache of telling them how I feel just to be shut down.”
It sounds like you have some good support. I LOVE that your friend sends you a list of why the relationship sucked! Brilliant! That is actually a technique that is taught, to help people through breakups.
How are you feeling? It sounds like you are still very solid in your choice, but it still may be difficult and hard right now. Or maybe you are feeling better each day about the loss – so how are you experiencing yourself through this?
Heidi
Very good lessons you are teaching your boys! You definitely have far surpassed your mother’s example. Sheesh! She was quite the challenge wasn’t she? I’m so glad you have chosen to take a different path. Out of curiosity, any thoughts, feelings etc. that have come since she passed? I know initially you didn’t feel much.
It’s too back the guy is agnostic. Considering your very strong beliefs, a Christian guy is essential for you. Religion is one of those categories that need to be at least in the same shade of color. At least you had some fun conversations with him and had a good connection in other areas. It’s good practice, regardless.
I’m glad you get to be busy and enjoying walks with your co-workers. Hopefully the weather will continue to warm up and stay that way, so we can evolve out of this phase. Our lockdown here in CO is supposed to end next week, but in talking to everyone, no one is going back out. It’s for sure going to take awhile for everyone to feel okay about that. I have no doubt masks and gloves etc. will still be worn for quite awhile. Summer is just around the corner, so that should help.
It was great to hear from you and receive an update!!!
Heidi
Hi Bruzaite,
Welcome! I am so so sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful to be fully and completely invested in someone and not have that returned. It’s losing a big dream and vision you had for your life and not it’s all different.
To be honest, it sounds like he has really moved on with his life. He is being quite clear that he doesn’t have feelings for you. The thing is, if he never felt very open to you in the first place, he was never really invested in the relationship. Even if you invested completely and shifted everything around for yourself, I’m not so sure he would have valued or appreciated you for all that you are. Him ending things now, may have actually spared you all kind of mess and an even worse kind of rejection. I’m not sure he would end up being the kind of partner that you really need. Would you say that he has ever been supportive of you completely? Did YOU enjoy talking with him? Did you enjoy your relationship with him? Would you say he was a really good partner and that your love for him was strong, before having your child?
What I do suggest however, is to continue down your journey of self discovery. Stay committed to becoming more healthy, learning more about how you can be a better partner, build your self-esteem back up and learn how to be the best kind of co-parent with him that you can be. The thing about that is, if he sees you becoming more and more healthy, more confident and that you are okay and you can thrive and be happy, without him, it actually may cause him to become interested again. Regardless, you have been through a lot and it sounds like it’s time to start building yourself back up again. Do you have any people that can help you through this? Friends? Therapists? Strong family?
It’s hard to go through everything you have been through and now having lost your guy. It’s a good time to really nourish yourself, be compassionate and loving towards yourself and lean on support from those who are close to you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
