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Hey there,
So this is an interesting development. I’m wondering how you came to this conclusion. Did something happen or you just had an epiphany?
First, it is not true that you will always find your way back to him. You are so young and have a ton of experiences waiting for you. Love changes. I have loved a handful of people in my dating life. I can look back at every single one of those guys now and not have a single ounce of feelings for them. The romantic love shifts into a type of general love that is like an appreciation for the exchanges you got to have with them. Everyone falls in and out of love all the time and hopefully will have a few experiences of that before settling down for the long term. So I want to encourage you to stop reciting your future and what you think you are going to do and just be present in the moment.
And in your present situation, you are bored.First, there is nothing “wrong.” Whenever you have feelings come up for you, look at them as messengers. Your “boredom” is a messenger telling you that something is off, or missing or mis-aligned. That’s all. Be grateful for ALL your feelings. Your messengers are your guides to giving you much needed information. For example, if you were to put your finger on a hot stove, it would burn. Those nerves are the pain messengers to let you know DON’T TOUCH! When you receive a message that you don’t like, like your boredom, the goal is not to make the messenger go away or “fix” it. That actually doesn’t help anything. You may be able to make it go away temporarily, but eventually it will come back, maybe in a different form. So the idea is to set down with that messenger and get to know it. Imagine you are a reporter and you want to write a story on the messenger “boredom.” What kinds of questions would you ask? What would you want to know?
Taking the path you want to take where you and him change something on the outside to “fix” your boredom, is not going to work. The boredom is in YOU, therefore that is where you need to explore. It could be a sabotage thing. That used to be my issue quite a bit when I was younger. I had a pattern of getting bored with a guy pretty quickly if they were too nice. When I couldn’t tolerate how nice they were or easy they were to catch, I would get bored to sabotage, because deep down I didn’t believe I deserved to be treated that way. Your boredom could also be just that…pure boredom – because he is a boring guy for where you are at in your life right now. So this is about you figuring out what message that boredom has for you. Once you connect with it and understand it and embrace it, THEN you can decide what needs to happen next. Try some journaling, or write your thoughts out here on the forum. I would suggest free writing to start. That’s where you sit down and just write whatever comes to your mind. No filtering! Just write and don’t stop. Many times it won’t make sense. Many times you won’t feel like you have anything to say – so you write that down too. It might look like:
“Today is Monday and I don’t feel like sitting down to do this today. This is so stupid. I don’t know what to say and it’s making me grumpy, but I’m going to do it anyways. And what the heck is going with this whole boredom thing. I don’t understand it and it’s really annoying that I’m feeling this way. I don’t want to leave him, but I am also so bored by him. He isn’t fun to talk to. I actually enjoy him most when we just do nothing. But what kind of relationship is that?”
Does this make sense? What is important is that you start to create a way to express everything you are feeling inside. When you hold stuff inside, it stagnates. So it’s crucial you give it some movement – a way to be expressed somehow. Writing is the most simple way to give it movement. Once movement is given to an emotion, you will be surprised what comes out of it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there! Gerry sounds like a nice guy. I have found soooo many times that people are different through messaging compared to in person. I can even attest to that myself. I am much more connective and outgoing in person. Communicating through text etc. can sometimes feel so frustrating because I can’t really say everything I would like to, so I have a tendency to “summarize.” I hope you guys get to keep talking. James really says some amazing things about him!
As far as creating a “chase” for the guy, the concept basically is, you want to make them work for you. Being flirty and vague teases can be part of it, but the crux of the idea is more about being not so available all the time. There are many ways to do this. If he reaches out, take a few hours to respond to him. If he asks you out, say you are busy whatever night he suggests. Take things really slow by not kissing or being intimate for a while. Hold back feelings and let him take the first jump off the cliff on expressing how he feels. Let him be the one to initiate contact the most. Again, the goal is to give him just enough response and encouragement to keep chasing you, but also not enough to feel like he has caught you. But then, let him catch you sometimes for the “reward” and then you make him chase you again. These games are played a lot in the beginning/initial phases. Then of course, it all changes once both people commit. Beyond that, there is still a level of chasing that does need to happen to help keep engagement – but it’s all fun type of stuff. Another way to keep a guy engaged by chasing you, is requiring his best behavior, so to speak. When you have high standards as to how you are treated – with respect, with honor, with kindness etc. it causes the guy to think, “I better treat her well or I’m gonna lose her.” This is also a form of chasing. If he messes up, you confront, set boundaries and create resolution so he knows that when he treats you less than that, you will confront him. If he doesn’t want to participate in treating you in those ways, you will not tolerate it and leave. So having high self respect is a really important part of the “chasing” process. Where so many women get messed up, is they choose the connection with the guy over themselves. They would rather keep those good feelings than to require a guy treat them with respect. That’s when the chase is over. The guy knows he can get away with bloody murder and she isn’t going to leave. So to me, having standards as to how you are treated and not negotiating those away just for the connection, is the most important way to play the chase game…always and forever. There never is a time where that aspect should change – no matter the phase of relationship. And obviously, you are offering him the same level of respect in return.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Daisha!
We are glad you are here sharing your challenges with us. It sounds like there are a lot of things happening right now for you.
First, I want to encourage you to slow waaaaaay down. You have only been talking for 2 weeks and you haven’t even met in person. That is hardly enough time to know someone. The way you talk about him, is as if you truly know him. You only know the words he has told you. You have no idea whether those words are real until you see them in action.
I don’t know how long you have been doing the online dating thing, but it is a platform that you have to be VERY careful with. Peoples’ presentations always need to be taken with a grain of salt. I can’t tell you how many times a guy has said he was a certain way and upon the first date, I experienced them completely different. Who someone says they are is influenced by soooo many different things. BEFORE opening the flood gates, it’s CRUCIAL you get to know someone, IN PERSON, to make sure that what they are saying aligns with who they are in person. You want to see their words in action – otherwise, you don’t truly know what is real or not. The story you are creating about the kind of man he is, is just that. It’s a story with no evidence. This is why I want to encourage you to put the breaks on. Even if you had met him in person a few times, 2 weeks is still not enough time to know who someone is and if they are a good match for you.
I always coach people that when looking for a long term relationship, one of the most important aspects you have to know about them, is who they are in their worst moments. How do they treat you, themselves and others when they are super hurt, stressed or angry?? If you cannot love their worst, if you cannot feel emotionally and physically safe when they are in their very worst moments, then the relationship does not have a healthy, solid foundation for longevity. So – you don’t know what he is like when he is angry or deeply hurt. What if he is verbally or physically abusive? What if he is the kind of guy who doesn’t work through things and just ghosts when he gets upset? What if he is impulsive? Have you looked him up to see if he has any criminal record? I always do that! I went on a few dates with a guy that I came to discover had a sex offender mark on his record. I would NEVER have known in a million years and I am a very astute person at reading people. I always encourage the ladies to get background checks on guys they are starting to have feelings for and considering a relationship with.
As far as your statement: “Awesome. All I’ll say for now is Heavenly Father told me I was going to be married a 3rd time. It was hard for me to believe at the time, but now I’m confident & know this is true. However, there are some things I only share with a committed boyfriend.” Yes, this is something that would cause him to back away. You are using the words marriage and boyfriend and a sign from God in the same sentence and you haven’t even met him yet. That’s a lot of pressure you are putting on him! He is also seeing how fast you are moving.
So let’s talk about that. You have been married 2x already. What’s the rush? Why not just enjoy the exchanges you are having with him, takes things super slow and allow for both of you to truly get to know each other before creating any kind of future story together? What is happening for you that you are turning a guy you have never met, into your dream guy?
There might be a way to salvage this. I suggest you talk to him – NOT TEXT OR MESSAGE! You can say something like, “Listen, I’m sure my message the other day where I mentioned…..scared you a bit. I’m sorry. I really got ahead of myself and it kind of surprised me actually. I just haven’t had these kinds of feelings in a long time and I got carried away. The truth is, I want to just take 1 day at a time and see where this goes. I’m truly in no rush and just want to have fun and continue getting to know you. My foot is off the gas and back on the break now.”
I’ve said a lot. I know it’s not really what you want to hear, because it counteracts what you feel. Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here and sharing your questions. You have some valid concerns. Let’s see if we can break them down and figure out the next best steps for you.
My first question is, have you been able to completely let go of the guilt for having sex with him? Were you planning on waiting until marriage? Was it for religious purposes or just a personal choice?
It sounds like you BOTH are unhappy and keep trying to change the other person – you are constantly nagging and he is constantly telling you, in one way or the other, you aren’t enough for him.
He is wanting you to be different so he can feel better about himself. That’s never going to work. From what you are explaining, it sounds like he has no clue what he wants. Someone like that is having a really hard time on the inside. Meaning, he has a lot of thoughts and feelings on the inside that are chaotic, confusing and intense. Instead of dealing with them, they leak out and you are the target. The truth here is, there is NOTHING you can do to make feel happy. That’s his job.
You nagging him all the time is also about your own state of internal happiness. What is it that you keep nagging him about? The same things? Different things? Is it daily?
I would like you to consider something. It doesn’t sound like you get to just be yourself with him anymore. Maybe it used to be like that, but now, it isn’t – and you have to deal with the present moment and not stay attached to “what used to be.” With the direction the relationship is going, it’s not going to last. The longer you both continue to go down this path, the more you both will continue to destroy whatever self esteem is left. That’s not love. Love builds, love nourishes, love heals, love supports and encourages. What you guys are doing is not loving or kind. There is not much you can do about him. He is going to choose to be what he wants to be. But you do have control over yourself. What kind of girlfriend would you like to be with him? Let’s start there.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
First, I am so sorry I forgot to mention this, but how are you doing about your friend passing away?? Wow! What a shock! That in and of itself gets you really connected to your own mortality. What a difficult thing to have to hear and deal with. How are you doing??
Thanks for clarifying! It’s helpful. My initial impression from what you wrote was how you were frustrated by several of his choices, but it sounds like I am reading it incorrectly. I think because you ended your post with “I feel I’m probably being needy….I’m just not sure how to get out of that thought process at the moment…it doesn’t seem like a good or even productive idea to talk to him about it…” it made me think that you were starting to frustrated again.
So let’s talk about this last statement then. I’m not clear about how you are feeling “needy.” What exactly is he doing that is triggering that feeling inside of you? What story are you putting around whatever is making you feel needy?
Any thought process you want to pull yourself out of is about creating a different story around what is happening for you. So if your is he isn’t giving you enough to feel happy, then you change that story to telling yourself about everything he IS giving you, how grateful you are for what he is giving you and that are well-loved and cared for. Work on shifting your story about whatever is making you feel “needy” and see if you can completely shift it without having to talk to him about it. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
Welcome back! It’s great to hear from you and get some updates!
I love that you came here and just vented and let out all your frustrations. Well done!
I understand your frustration when some of the old patterns started to resurface again after having a few months of peace and quiet. I get it.
All your feelings are coming up again of feeling disappointed in him, his choices, how he lives his life. Have you been able to connect to what your triggers are around that? They are YOUR feelings and not his. He is happy to live his life the way he is. You are the one who believes he should be doing more and being more. So what is in YOU, that is always judging him for his choices? Where does that stem from?
Heidi
Well, if he feels jealous, in the moment you can say something like, “I understand you are jealous and that’s okay. I want you to know that you are valuable to me. I want YOU in my life, not another guy.” Now…that may make him feel better in the moment, but it will not change that he will keep getting jealous over and over and over again. Like I said, he has to deal with his insecurities on his own.
The same goes for fear and hurt. You can validate, listen, support and encourage. Talk to his best self by saying “I know you are hurt. I also know you are a strong man and capable of handling whatever happens.” But again, it will not change the core root of why he hurts.
Imagine he has this beautiful yard but there are areas where a lot of weeds keep growing. Those weeks are HIS weeds. You can help manage the weeds by cutting them down all the time, but eventually, they will grow again…and again…and again – no matter how many times you cut them down. The only way for those weeds to go away, is for HIM to go in and take the weeds out from the root. Until then, you will just keep having to help him over and over and over again.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
hahahaha! You crack me up Rhonda!
1. Maybe they are trying to do a pouty face and look cute??
2. It’s very primal. They are showing off their prize! Something to be proud of. Something to demonstrate they are capable and able to take care of their woman. They are skilled. And catching a bigger fish, means it took more work and skill to do it.
3. “Other” religion means maybe they are not religious but more spiritual. I also know plenty of people put “other” because they are not wanting to be judged or screened by their particular beliefs. They would rather just talk about that kind of stuff in person.I’ve gone on dates with tons of unattractive men. I have chosen that path many times because I don’t want to judge a book by it’s cover. And I gotta tell ya…I have met some GREAT guys! Maybe instead, before going online, you just say a little prayer “God, help me see each person through your eyes of truth.” And then when you look at profiles, let your spirit lead you, not your eyes. Just a thought…
Heidi
You are asking some great questions! Let’s see if there is a way to sift through all of this so you can find more peace.
Let’s start with what a healthy relationship looks like. You said “Because those are the best types of relationships right? when the guy likes the girl more?” This is actually not true. First, it’s important to understand that you cannot compare who likes who more. Men and women experience life and love sooooo differently. So you cannot really compare and nor should you. The best kinds of relationships are the ones where 2 people are committed to growth, learning, healing and being the best kind of partner/person they can be…plain and simple. It’s not about one chasing more than the other. It’s about having respect for each other at the very core foundation. It’s about wanting the very best for your person, but also not at the expense of yourself. It’s about being able to love ALL parts of your person…even the yucky stuff.
The romance kind of stuff you see in movies is just the icing on the cake. It’s the easy stuff and truly does not hold any value without the core foundation being healthy. You keep wanting HIM to behave in a certain way for you to feel loved. If you function in a relationship from that mindset, you will always find yourself unhappy, unsettled and always wanting more. So again, this is about you, not him. You are wanting him to do for you what you are not willing to do for yourself. Meaning, you want HIM to make you happy, because you are not willing to do the work yourself. AND…you are wanting him to do all this work for you, but what work are you doing for him? You never want to ask something from somebody that you are not willing to do yourself, right?
I also know that you want a deep, powerful love connection. I get it. The romance and passion and intensity you see in movies is not a fantasy. It can be real, but it also needs to be earned. In order to have that kind of powerful love, there is a lot of learning, growing, facing fears, looking at the baggage you carry, compromising, hurting and forgiving etc.
So…in the spirit of learning, I think a good thing for you to check out and start to gain understanding is about the 5 love languages. Go here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Fill out their quiz and start to better understand your particular ways of expressing love and maybe see if you can guess what your guy is. The mistake many people make is thinking their person is not loving them, when in actuality, they are, but just expressing it differently. It’s one of MANY approaches to help ease some of the challenges in relationships.
Let me know your thoughts! There is so much more to say, but I think this might be a good starting place.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand your question and your desire to help him. You care about him and want him to feel good on the inside.
There is only so much you can do to help someone else. It’s kind of like the saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” So you can lead him in the direction, but ultimately, the deeper issues and baggage he is carrying around, are things only he can deal with himself. He has to be ready to let go of his hurt, anger, resentment and fear. He has to be willing to start to take down those walls. You cannot do it for him. So one of the most powerful ways to help him, is lead by example. You want him to face his fears, so face your own first. Deal with your jealousy and where it comes from. Face your own fears. Many tend to learn a lot by watching. And if he sees you are really looking at how you are affecting the relationship and him, then he may be willing to do the same. Another way of leading him is to talk to his very best self. Meaning, if he is struggling because he is afraid, you could say something like, “I know it’s scary. I get it. But you know what? You have been through much worse things and you are okay. You are strong enough to handle whatever happens. I know that about you.” So the idea is, to remind him of his best qualities more often. Remind him of what he is capable of. Remind him of why you are fighting for him. Remind him of his very best qualities. This can help build self-esteem. The last one is to keep doing the hero thing. Keep asking him for help. Men LOVE to feel needed and then receive the appreciation after. Make things up that you need help up. Then make sure you always follow up with some kind of reward.
None of these things is going to fix the baggage he carries, but like I said, it can lead him to the water. Maybe at some point he will be willing to drink…but again, that’s up to him. If he isn’t willing to go that route, then there is point where you have decide if this is the kind of guy you want in your life and either accept the way he wants to live his life and be with him, or move on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand your concern and the feeling you have that he might behave like that again. The truth is, it’s pretty much guaranteed that he will do what he wants. He has shown that to you, since the beginning. There have been several times he has talked to other girls. This is a strong pattern and the only way to change those strong patterns, is to deal with his fears, his jealousy, his hurt. It sounds like his last girlfriend really did a number on him. He is pretty wounded and his heart is not open. Therefore, you don’t get to celebrate anniversaries with him, you don’t get to have a guy who is open and communicative with you and you don’t get to have a guy who is 100% committed – because he is afraid of getting hurt again. So yes, he will find a way to sabotage at some point again. It may be talking to another girl again, but if not, it will be something else.
Getting jealous and controlling whether or not you guys can talk to other people is not helping. Your relationship and that agreement is based on fear. Imagine being with someone and just loving them for who they are and feeling so proud of the kind of person they choose to be in the world. Imagine not needing to control who they talk to. Imagine just letting things be how they truly are, and loving it.
You both are trying to NOT feel jealous by controlling each other with this agreement vs. facing the jealousy. Jealousy is insecurity. Why not face it and deal with it? Imagine feeling so secure inside yourself that it doesn’t matter if he talks to other girls – with that being said, I’m not condoning flirty behavior. However I do believe men and women CAN be friends up to a point.
What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
I LOVE your honesty and what you are sharing! It helps me understand your mindset a lot better.
Let’s talk about this a little more. First thing is, there is no such thing as a safe and secure relationship. By that I mean, love is always changing and growing, therefore there is nothing in the world that makes it a guarantee. Couples after 30 years of marriage fall out of love. People who were madly in love and thought they had a wonderful relationship, will all of a sudden go through something and they break up. You are afraid of breaking up and so you believe that if he is obsessed with you, you will be safe in the relationship. There just is no truth in that. There is no such thing as a guarantee. There is over a 50% divorce rate these days. I’m sure a high percentage of those people, when making their vows, meant it from the depths of their hearts, yet they still end up divorced down the road. Promises, feelings, connections and relationships are all influenced by what is inside of each person and the outside experiences that show up. It’s just life and it’s how relationships and love works. These are things that need to be cared for, nurtured, paid attention to on a daily basis if it is going to be sustainable. And even at that, it could still fall apart.
So what if you approached this with a different mindset. The real truth is, you want him obsessed with you, so you don’t ever have to hurt again. I get that. We ALL want to avoid that feeling of rejection and hurt. However, when ANYTHING is driven by fear, it is going to fall apart and blow up in your face. Whenever you make decisions in your life, in general, you want the driving energy to be based in truth, peace, calm and feeling grounded and centered. When you make decisions based on fear, it turns everything into a big mess!
So I would like to encourage you to face your fear. This is a really good skill to practice because there will be a gazillion more times in your life where you will have a choice to either let fear be in the driver’s seat or let the truth be in the driver’s seat. The truth is Iyoni, you will be okay if you guys break up. You are strong enough to handle whatever happens between the 2 of you. The lie you are believing in that is driving your fear is that you are not going to be okay if you go through one of those conversations again. So…what if you trusted in YOURSELF. What if you said “I am going to love and be the best kind of girlfriend I can be because that is the kind of person I want to be in this world. If he accepts that and embraces it, then great! If he doesn’t, I know I will be okay. I know I will figure out how to get back up on my feet and continue to move forward. I know I will learn many things from the situation. I know I am resilient. I will be okay.” Thoughts?
Besides, I don’t know many couples who haven’t at one point or another, considered separating. It’s a healthy thing! It forces people to really look at their commitments and see if it still has meaning. Hard conversations like that really slow things down and cause people to take a deeper look into themselves and decide what they really want and what they are going to fight for. Wouldn’t you say that is something that is helpful? Don’t you want him to be with you because he is inspired by you? Don’t you want him to be with you because he feels like his very best self when he is around you? Don’t you want him to be with you because you cause him to feel things in himself that only you can do? If he doesn’t have those kinds of experiences with you, then he shouldn’t be with you. If he doesn’t feel good in the relationship, then he does need to re-evaluate what he is doing. And the same is true for you.
So what about figuring out a way to face your F.E.A.R. (false evidence appearing real) and let go of trying to control the situation so you can feel safe and secure. What if instead, you embraced your fear, find trust in yourself and decide the be the kind of girlfriend you want to be, because that is the kind of person you want to be. Period. Or decide that it’s time to end the relationship. One way or the other. Having 1 foot in and 1 foot out, is part of the problem here. You can’t say you love someone and want to be with them and only give them part of who you are. You either need to be all in or all out. So what do you want?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I will respond here with some questions, but would you mind creating your own thread? It helps us be able to better keep track and make sure everyone is being responded to. We don’t want to miss anything!
First of all, welcome! We are glad you are here. You are asking some great questions. I’m so sorry you are having to experience your first time back out there this way. Things have changed a lot in the dating world since the online community has taken over.
First, it’s not your “fault” that it turned out this way. You BOTH made decisions to get to this point. Most guys, after sharing a weekend with a lady they just met, are not thinking long term. You are correct…if you wanted something more long term, this moved pretty fast. The faster you move, the odds of crashing and burning are pretty high.
Let’s see if there is a way to possibly salvage this. Are you guys still talking at all? Or did he cut it off completely and there is no contact? Did it “end” peacefully? And he said he didn’t see a future with you…he was clear about that, yes? Or was he saying that he didn’t want a long term relationship right now? How long has it been since you had that weekend together? How many dates did you go on before having your weekend together?
Heidi
