Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Samantha,
I am so sorry you are going through this! I just have a few questions. How old are both of you? Did he lose his job at all or have some kind of other stress in his life happen? It’s quite strange to go from 1 extreme to the other without something having happened. Would you mind sharing more detail?
I’m not sure what your question is exactly. I know being that you love him, you may be wanting advice on how to get him back. It sounds like the conversation went really well. Did he seem like he missed you at all? Does he seem to still have feelings for you at all?
I understand not being able to be friends. It’s actually not possible to be friends with someone you still have feelings for. I always recommend for people to completely separate for a while, to allow for true healing. When you are able to imagine running into him and being okay and peaceful or knowing he is with another girl and it doesn’t bother you, THEN you can be friends. Otherwise, trying to stay in contact with someone you still have feelings for, is messy. You will experience rejection every time you talk, you will have all kinds of hurt feelings happen, so it’s kind of like a slow torture – which is not very loving or kind to put yourself or him in that kind of situation.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Wow! What an early mother’s day present! That IS a huge compliment and one that is so special. You have worked so hard and overcome so much in your life to be the best kind of mom you could be. I love that he said that!
As far as the girl that went missing, I get why she or anyone would want to run and forget memories. The thing is, you can forget the memory all you want, but your nervous system won’t forget. All the feelings of memories are stored in your body. So if you TRULY want to forget anything, you have to face the memory and all the feelings that came with it – and heal. It’s totally do-able. I’ve done it many, many times and I gotta tell ya – it is such a HUGE relief to heal the deep fears, anger, hurt, resentment etc. It feels like a 1,000 lbs. being lifted off. It always feels like I can take this deep breath that I wasn’t taking before. The journey to get there isn’t so much fun, but knowing where it takes me, makes it all worth it. The numbness you feel is just a sign of you trying to protect yourself from feeling all that gunk inside. Maybe someday you can find someone who specializes in helping you slowly take that all apart and release it. If ever you want to take that journey, my Coach is BRILLIANT at that. Her methods work super fast too! And the guys are definitely gonna pick up on the numbness on a subconscious level. Some may feel it consciously, but would have no clue how to define what they are feeling. They may just feel something is “off” but don’t know what.
As far as standing up for yourself, give yourself more credit. Running IS standing up for yourself. You are not putting up with being treated badly, so you run. That IS fighting for yourself. There is NO point in staying and confronting someone who is abusive or treating you poorly. They don’t have the consciousness or ability to take anything you would have to say and care about it. So running is the smartest thing you could do to take care of yourself. You getting fired was an unfortunate result, but maybe it was a good thing. If they didn’t care about how they were affecting you, then it’s a good thing to not work for them anyways. Sometimes the result for standing up for yourself, no matter how good you communicate it, is not what you want, but most of the time is exactly what you need. Using your voice when boundaries are being crossed is ESSENTIAL to a healthy relationship as well. Maybe this is an area you can begin to focus on for yourself.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I will definitely be praying with you that you Worley gets the contract in NB and you get to go. Your soul would get fed soooo much more there!!! I feel your pain! I can’t imagine being somewhere without having access to all the activities that source my happiness. This pandemic thing has caused another level of challenge for everyone. I’m sorry you are stuck. Your path is figuring out how to turn that coal into a diamond and I have complete faith you will keep working on that and getting creative.
It sounds like you have a few things stirring. It’s good for entertainment, right?
I’m curious. You said “That is one set of skills I definitely lack – how to stand up for myself without getting beat up more. Usually when I stand up for myself I pay for it big time.” Do you still believe this is true or were you saying is used to be true in your past, but not true anymore?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us.
I know how hard not feeling safe in the relationship can be to deal with. Your lack of trust is in would make you feel not safe and that’s all you are really wanting.
The thing is, it sounds like you are still carrying around baggage from your past and you are making him pay the price for it – when it’s really your issue. If you want him back, this aspect needs to change. Basically, it’s time for you to let go of what happened in the past. It’s time for you to embrace the hurt, work with it and then say goodbye and truly heal. If you don’t take that path, in whatever way works best for you, then ANY relationship you are in will end up the same exact way as this one. It’s not anyone else’s job to make you feel safe and secure – it’s YOUR job.
So if you want him back, it’s time for you to take some ACTION to heal whatever happened before. Are you willing and able to work with a coach or therapist? Are you willing to read some books and do some exercises with the hurt you are carrying around inside??
If yes, you can say something like, “Listen. I am so sorry for how I made you feel. It’s not your fault that I have a lack of trust. It’s not your fault that I don’t trust you. I haven’t let go of what happened to me before and it leaked out onto you – and that isn’t fair. I don’t want to be like that anymore. It sucks for me and it’s not fair to you. You have been wonderful and so patient with me and I respect you for putting your foot down and no longer accepting how I treated you. It has inspired me to truly change. I’ve decided to work on it on a deeper level. I am going to read…..or I am going to see a therapist about this. I still think it’s a good idea for me to move out, but maybe you would be willing to still date? I obviously have things to work out and it’s probably best to have some space to do that, but I would still like to see you, if you are willing.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I like the perspective you are choosing to take. I do want to give you a heads up though – just as life advice in general. It’s not at all meant to change your mind about how you want to handle this, as I think what you are choosing is a really good choice! The general “life advice” I’d like to share with you is that 1+1 does not always =2. Meaning, you always want to be very careful of your expectations. Your brother’s advice is actually a bit skewed in that just because you are there for him to help him pick up the mess, does not mean, nor guarantee that he will remember it. Even if he does remember you being there, it doesn’t mean he will appreciate you for it either. When someone is messy inside, they are trying to work out that mess by stepping into situations that trigger that mess, in hopes it will somehow resolve itself. We all do this unknowingly of course. 80% of our thoughts and decisions are being driven by our subconscious. So, that lack of awareness means your friend doesn’t have the capacity to truly be in relationship with himself and have awareness around his issues – which then means he doesn’t have the capacity to be truly aware of you and what you do for him – or anyone for that matter. So if you are hoping that your choice to be around if the mess shows up will bring you bonus points, you “might” be greatly hurt. Who knows. What’s important most of all, is that you make this choice to support him because it’s the kind of person you want to be in life – it’s the kind of friend you want to be – no matter how someone shows up and not because you are doing it in hopes to get something out of it from the other person. This is one of my favorite quotes: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and send it out to the world. How others respond is their path, how I respond is mine.” W. Dyer
Just something to think about.
Heidi
Melissa! Haha! You crack me up with how you ended your post. It’s quite simple actually. I have always found though, that simplicity can only exist after circling around all the very complicated layers first. It all lays in these statements you said below.
“Here I hear–focus on the positive, show him how you appreciate him for what he does right and he’ll do more of that, and focus on making myself happy and owning that. Correct? If I’m going to stay with him then I need to do these things. But then I also hear from elsewhere–have standards. Communicate your standards.”
A standard is something you are willing to fight for – even if it means you break up. A standard is non-negotiable. A standard is a requirement and anything less is unacceptable. The real truth here is, you don’t have standards because you are constantly negotiating them away, so you can stay together. Yes, the other advice you are getting is important and yes, it’s important to communicate those standards, but what’s the point if the standard you are trying to fight for never gets met? You can only communicate it so many times before it becomes a moot point. Your standards and how you want to be treated and function in a relationship is not possible with the man you chose. So….you have a values conflict here. One value is you want to feel a certain way with him, but he does not have the capacity or ability to be what you want. The other value is, you love him deeply and don’t want to break up. You just keep choosing to fight for the 2nd value. That’s why we keep giving you the advice we do. If you aren’t willing to break up, then all that is left is to work on accepting who he is, change your story about what is happening and work on your need to control.
The problem with the latter is that it is soooooo much work. Like the analogy I gave you before, you have a FULL cup of tea. Every time he does something to trigger you (which happens a lot), that tea starts to spill out of the cup instantly and it’s so much work to manage the mess you feel inside and then, of course, it leaks out onto him because you are wanting HIM to help you clean it up since he was the person triggering you. If your cup were empty, when you get triggered, it’s much more manageable and easy to deal with. It’s exhausting doing what you are doing. The advice we are giving you, which is more about managing the situation and your emotions, is just a bandaid. It doesn’t actually heal anything or inspires permanent changes from the core root causes of the problems you guys are having.
Basically, your cup of tea is full and constantly overflowing with triggers because of what you carry inside of YOU. He just happens to trigger you. That’s why we’ve been recommending therapy for a while now, so you can actually get what you want. You want to be fought for. You want to be thought about. You want to feel valuable and important in his life. The thing is, you cannot heal what you are not willing to feel. You keep wanting him to fix himself so you can feel happy in the relationship, but that doesn’t work because you don’t feel happy in the relationship because of whatever baggage you carry deep inside. You need to feel what is inside of YOU and stop relying on him to fix things by behaving better. He is doing the same exact thing though. You both are in this constant cycle of arguing about the same exact things because neither of your internal environments is changing.
I’m glad you finally have given in and chosen therapy. NOW you are stepping into the possibility of real change here. You can’t solve a problem at the level of consciousness it was created. You can now raise your consciousness and start to heal what is inside of you which means now you have a real chance at creating a very different world on the outside.
Good job! You are being very courageous and fighting for yourself. Wherever this path takes you, doesn’t matter – as long as you are on it!!!
Heidi
Okay. I will make sure Kanya gives her perspective. She is the only other coach on here. Otherwise, it’s up to other members to respond if they want, but it’s not a common thing. You can maybe read other members’ posts and see who you like and then post in their thread asking them for their perspective on your situation. That is probably your best bet.
Hi Josette,
It sounds like he is the kind of guy who needs to be “right” more than “connective” with his partner. This kind of person is actually quite fragile. They blame a lot, they rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their contributions and they definitely can turn anything and everything you say into something that serves their way of thinking – because they HAVE to play the victim somehow – they HAVE to blame and point fingers because they are too fragile to own anything. They also have an incredible challenge to forgive. They tend to hold onto every little thing as a “protective” mechanism around their heart. I know I am painting quite a picture here. I’m not sure how true it all is – you would be the one to know that. He sounds like he also leans towards narcissistic tendencies. I know I used to be pretty similar to how he is. I was so fragile, it took forever for me to apologize, I definitely needed to be right and I was carrying a shit ton of baggage on my heart. That baggage protected me really well though! It took years to undo and a TON of work to be able to live open-hearted and truly care and connect deeply with the people in my life. I’m not sure he is that kind of guy and willing to do what it takes. It doesn’t sound like he is in that place.
How do you feel about deciding to let go of this relationship, considering how he is choosing to handle all of his feelings? You don’t have much of a partner left. He isn’t fighting for himself and his emotional health, therefore there is no way he has the ability to fight for you. He cannot give to you what he doesn’t give to himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Good question! First, I would suggest working on your mindset. I know you want to “get rid of” because you don’t like it. But remember, even how you say something is important. You don’t want to “get rid of.” Instead, view these feelings as a message to you about what is happening deep inside. So the best way to INTEGRATE them is by starting to understand where they come from. Boredom is just the umbrella for a lot of other feelings you are carrying inside and not wanting to feel – so it shows up as boredom.
I also think that “the grass is greener” mindset can do with age. I was soooo much like that in my younger years. Truth is, no matter what grass you land on, there will ALWAYS be challenges about the guy you are with. One guy may not be romantic enough, so you find another guy who is super romantic, but he is not the best with conversations, so you move onto another guy who is great at talking AND romantic but he is a total homebody and doesn’t ever want to go out. Understand?? So again, YOU are the common denominator here.
Why do you think you get bored? Or not ever feeling satisfied enough with your choices? Maybe spend some time journaling about it.
Heidi
Hi Devin,
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts.
My guidance for you is not really going to be what you want to hear, but the path I am encouraging you to take – although VERY hard – can only end in you feeling happier on the inside.
The path I am encouraging you to take, is to start to be responsible for your own happiness. Take your eyes off of him and turn them towards yourself. You are ignoring how rejecting he is towards you, how much he has used you and the many aspects that make this relationship and how it functions, quite unhealthy – for the both of you. If you guys do get back together, it’s a pretty strong guarantee you will end up right back where you are right now. Your patterns won’t change, his patterns won’t change. There is a quote that says “You cannot solve a problem at the same level of consciousness that it was created.” Meaning, this relationship has a lot of challenges in it and you are trying to fix it, just by getting him to come back – and then you guys will rinse and repeat. The same problems are going to just show up again. Reality is, he most likely will not make efforts to work on himself so he can show up differently. You cannot control that about him. What you can control is yourself, what kind of person you want to be in the world and your state of happiness.
So the path of “no contact” is not about getting him. That may be end up being the result, but it’s not the point. The point is for YOU to take the time to start to work on yourself and get really clear about what you truly want – which is to be happy, right? Well what is it going to take for YOU to be happy in your life? What kind of girlfriend would you be if you were happy inside? If you were happy inside and rely on him for your happiness, how do you think he would respond to that? If you really slow down and look deep inside, do you feel he is the kind of boyfriend that magnifies your happiness and supports your happiness? I know it’s not a fun journey to take, but it is an essential one if you are ever going to find your inner happiness. I know that all you want, is him back in your life so you don’t have to feel this pain anymore. Reality is though, getting him back will not fix anything. It may temporarily relieve the pain you are feeling right now, but it will not change his nature, it will not change the challenges you guys face in the relationship and it will not change that he will most likely break up again. If that is journey you want to take with him again, then of course you get to do that! There is no right or wrong path to take. Every path we take, has many lessons for us. So it really is your choice about the kinds of lessons you want to learn.
You said “I just feel like no matter what I do, I can’t win but I dont want to completely lose this guy from my life.” You are not a victim here Devin. You CAN win. But your only definition of winning is to get him back. That is not the only way to win here. You can win, by setting clear boundaries and supporting yourself more, instead of making him your source of whether you are happy or not. You can win by standing up for yourself. You already won by saying no to sex. YOU need to decide who is more important in your life. You or him? If it is you, then you align your actions and choices with what supports you the most. If you want to make him more important than yourself, then you align your choices and actions to do whatever it takes to make him happy. Either choice, there is a loss and that’s what makes this so hard. If you choose yourself, he is going to have huge pushback. If you choose him, you lose yourself and you will become more and more miserable. So again, the choice is yours! Either choice has things to teach you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing more details. It helps!
Let’s first talk about your answers to what kind of girlfriend you wan to be.
“I want to have more confidence in myself , and love myself more than I love him.” What does that mean for you? If you loved yourself more than you loved him, what would that look like in the relationship? What kinds of things would you be differently?“I want to be able to say no when I don’t feel comfortable doing something.” What is stopping you from saying no?
“I want to be the type of girlfriend he would like to shower with attention and forget about whatever they did to him.” This is actually not about your actions, it’s about his actions – which you have no control over. Whether he is able to let go of whatever you did to him or not, is about his own character and his own choices and have nothing to do with the kind of girlfriend you are. You could be the most amazing girlfriend ever and he still would have trouble showering you with affection and forgiving and letting go. Make sense?
“I want to be happy and get him to do what I want without nagging him.” What do you think it would take for you to be happy? It sounds like you believe that if he did what you wanted, you would feel happy. Essentially, that is putting your personal power, your happiness in HIS hands. As long as that is where it stays, you will never be happy. You are making HIM your source for happiness, when the responsibility lies on you instead. It is YOUR job to do what you need to do to feel inside and he has the same job. If 2 people really focus on their own internal happiness, when they come together, the relationship runs much more smoothly, is so much more healthy and the internal happiness in each person just expands when they are together.
So let me ask you the question again. What kind of girlfriend do you want to be? Forget about him and how he makes you feel. I want to know how YOU want to treat him, that makes you feel good about yourself as a person. What kind of person do you want to be in this relationship that would make you feel proud of who you are?
I get that your questions can be overwhelming for him. I tend to do that with guys I have dated. I LOVE asking questions and many times they are questions that are quite deep. There is no place in a conversation I am uncomfortable with going. That’s not often the case with most people. The thing is, it’s who I am. What I realized a long time ago is that I needed to find someone who enjoys and appreciates that aspect of me – not run from it. So in a way, it’s a good filter for me. There is nothing wrong with him feeling overwhelmed with the questions you ask. It’s just where he is at right now – and he may always be like that – who knows. Your only job is to authentically be yourself. If he runs from that, then that is information you need, right? You have a decision to make, if you don’t feel safe to be who you truly are with him.
As far as feeling guilty about your choice to have sex, what would it take to forgive yourself? The guilt you are carrying to punish yourself and him, about your choice is causing harm – to both of you. This guilt you carry, is serving a purpose for you or you wouldn’t keep carrying it. How is holding onto this guilt helping you? In your mind, what would it take for you to release this guilt and truly forgive yourself and him?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
So it sounds like the first phase of opening things back up is on its way – but still very restrictive. We have things starting to open up in the beginning of May. Maybe. They have pushed the date every time, so I’ll be surprised if it actually happens. It’s really going to be a looooong year isn’t it? I think things will start to really open back up once the vaccine comes out. China is having a rise in outbreaks again since they started opening back up – at least that is what I heard. Who knows though – so much of the media is skewed these days.
I’m glad to hear you guys had good talk! You guys needed that! Will he get his phone fixed soon so you can video chat? Maybe you guys can set up a weekly date night. You can play games, you can make dinner and eat together, you can put on some fun music and dance. Just a thought. I think it can help create variety, keep you guys engaged, have something fun to look forward to and keep thing nourished between you guys.
Heidi
Hi Devin,
Wow, you sure are going through a lot right now. I am so sorry! I can see why you are so confused and not sure what to do.
I am really, really proud of you for setting that boundary. He obviously isn’t responding to that very well which gives you some information about him. Part of the problem here is that YOU haven’t been very clear. He decided to leave and break up, but he is still reaching out, getting jealous about your FB activity, coming over for sex etc. He says he has broken up, but his actions are not in alignment with that – and you have been joining him in that confusing design. He is going to be who he wants to be – you can’t do anything about that, but you can get clear yourself. If his choice is to break up, then boundaries need to be set. When you don’t set boundaries for yourself, you are teaching him and yourself that he can do whatever he wants and you are just going to go along with him. You are giving your power away to him. You did a GREAT thing setting a boundary about the sex, but now it’s time to set more breakup boundaries. How do you feel about not connecting anymore. No more talking, no more seeing each other, no more anything. This will allow you the very important space you need to heal AND it will give him a true reality check about his choices. He thinks he misses you now – he has no idea what missing you feels like because you keep connecting with him. Whatever his reasons for breaking up are, they are HIS things to work out on his own, without you. He needs to get his head on straight and get clear about what he wants. He cannot do that as long as you guys keep connecting. You are doing him a great service by cutting ties completely! As long as you keep connecting, he is never going to figure out what he truly wants. He has no clue what it feels like to NOT have you in his life – and believe it or not, that is one of the most important things he needs to feel in order to have any kind of clarity.
On the other hand, YOU also need to fight for yourself. Don’t you want to be with a guy who is committed to you? Who knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wants to be with you? It’s awful for you sitting in the “gray” zone while he “figure out” what the heck he wants. You deserve more than that, but you have to fight for it yourself. YOU need to get clear about how you want to be treated instead of just letting him take the lead. When YOU take the lead of your own life, when YOU treat yourself well and respect yourself by setting boundaries and requirements as to how you are treated, then the people around you will align with that – and if they can’t or won’t, then they fall away – and that’s important.
I understand you want him back. If you understand that setting these boundaries, disconnecting from him and letting him feel the FULL weight of his choices, it actually might inspire him to come back and fully commit again. Men love strong women who require them to be on their best behavior. Men are attracted to women who respect themselves. Men are attracted to women that have to fight for. Reality is, he doesn’t have to really fight for you or chase you, because you are giving him everything he wants, anytime he wants. You setting that boundary about no more sex was one of the best things you could have done. Even though he is upset about that and keeps bringing it up, you did a really healthy thing for yourself! He will have to deal.
How does what everything I said make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Daisha,
Thank you for sharing all of this! First, I really really want to commend you for all the work you are doing! You are working really hard to heal and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are someone who doesn’t give up. Well done!!!
So let’s dig into the guy thing a little more. What is it about men that causes you to stumble in conversation? What anxieties and fears come up about men? You said “I am naturally me if given the chance.” Can you explain that further? What do you mean if given the chance?
Most times a lack of patience is about anxiety (fear of the future) mixed with not trusting (or having faith in God). So let’s look at your lack of patience and wanting to rush things. Why is it that you want it to happen now vs. just letting something build slowly?
Heidi
