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Okay. I will make sure Kanya gives her perspective. She is the only other coach on here. Otherwise, it’s up to other members to respond if they want, but it’s not a common thing. You can maybe read other members’ posts and see who you like and then post in their thread asking them for their perspective on your situation. That is probably your best bet.
Hi Josette,
It sounds like he is the kind of guy who needs to be “right” more than “connective” with his partner. This kind of person is actually quite fragile. They blame a lot, they rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their contributions and they definitely can turn anything and everything you say into something that serves their way of thinking – because they HAVE to play the victim somehow – they HAVE to blame and point fingers because they are too fragile to own anything. They also have an incredible challenge to forgive. They tend to hold onto every little thing as a “protective” mechanism around their heart. I know I am painting quite a picture here. I’m not sure how true it all is – you would be the one to know that. He sounds like he also leans towards narcissistic tendencies. I know I used to be pretty similar to how he is. I was so fragile, it took forever for me to apologize, I definitely needed to be right and I was carrying a shit ton of baggage on my heart. That baggage protected me really well though! It took years to undo and a TON of work to be able to live open-hearted and truly care and connect deeply with the people in my life. I’m not sure he is that kind of guy and willing to do what it takes. It doesn’t sound like he is in that place.
How do you feel about deciding to let go of this relationship, considering how he is choosing to handle all of his feelings? You don’t have much of a partner left. He isn’t fighting for himself and his emotional health, therefore there is no way he has the ability to fight for you. He cannot give to you what he doesn’t give to himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Good question! First, I would suggest working on your mindset. I know you want to “get rid of” because you don’t like it. But remember, even how you say something is important. You don’t want to “get rid of.” Instead, view these feelings as a message to you about what is happening deep inside. So the best way to INTEGRATE them is by starting to understand where they come from. Boredom is just the umbrella for a lot of other feelings you are carrying inside and not wanting to feel – so it shows up as boredom.
I also think that “the grass is greener” mindset can do with age. I was soooo much like that in my younger years. Truth is, no matter what grass you land on, there will ALWAYS be challenges about the guy you are with. One guy may not be romantic enough, so you find another guy who is super romantic, but he is not the best with conversations, so you move onto another guy who is great at talking AND romantic but he is a total homebody and doesn’t ever want to go out. Understand?? So again, YOU are the common denominator here.
Why do you think you get bored? Or not ever feeling satisfied enough with your choices? Maybe spend some time journaling about it.
Heidi
Hi Devin,
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts.
My guidance for you is not really going to be what you want to hear, but the path I am encouraging you to take – although VERY hard – can only end in you feeling happier on the inside.
The path I am encouraging you to take, is to start to be responsible for your own happiness. Take your eyes off of him and turn them towards yourself. You are ignoring how rejecting he is towards you, how much he has used you and the many aspects that make this relationship and how it functions, quite unhealthy – for the both of you. If you guys do get back together, it’s a pretty strong guarantee you will end up right back where you are right now. Your patterns won’t change, his patterns won’t change. There is a quote that says “You cannot solve a problem at the same level of consciousness that it was created.” Meaning, this relationship has a lot of challenges in it and you are trying to fix it, just by getting him to come back – and then you guys will rinse and repeat. The same problems are going to just show up again. Reality is, he most likely will not make efforts to work on himself so he can show up differently. You cannot control that about him. What you can control is yourself, what kind of person you want to be in the world and your state of happiness.
So the path of “no contact” is not about getting him. That may be end up being the result, but it’s not the point. The point is for YOU to take the time to start to work on yourself and get really clear about what you truly want – which is to be happy, right? Well what is it going to take for YOU to be happy in your life? What kind of girlfriend would you be if you were happy inside? If you were happy inside and rely on him for your happiness, how do you think he would respond to that? If you really slow down and look deep inside, do you feel he is the kind of boyfriend that magnifies your happiness and supports your happiness? I know it’s not a fun journey to take, but it is an essential one if you are ever going to find your inner happiness. I know that all you want, is him back in your life so you don’t have to feel this pain anymore. Reality is though, getting him back will not fix anything. It may temporarily relieve the pain you are feeling right now, but it will not change his nature, it will not change the challenges you guys face in the relationship and it will not change that he will most likely break up again. If that is journey you want to take with him again, then of course you get to do that! There is no right or wrong path to take. Every path we take, has many lessons for us. So it really is your choice about the kinds of lessons you want to learn.
You said “I just feel like no matter what I do, I can’t win but I dont want to completely lose this guy from my life.” You are not a victim here Devin. You CAN win. But your only definition of winning is to get him back. That is not the only way to win here. You can win, by setting clear boundaries and supporting yourself more, instead of making him your source of whether you are happy or not. You can win by standing up for yourself. You already won by saying no to sex. YOU need to decide who is more important in your life. You or him? If it is you, then you align your actions and choices with what supports you the most. If you want to make him more important than yourself, then you align your choices and actions to do whatever it takes to make him happy. Either choice, there is a loss and that’s what makes this so hard. If you choose yourself, he is going to have huge pushback. If you choose him, you lose yourself and you will become more and more miserable. So again, the choice is yours! Either choice has things to teach you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing more details. It helps!
Let’s first talk about your answers to what kind of girlfriend you wan to be.
“I want to have more confidence in myself , and love myself more than I love him.” What does that mean for you? If you loved yourself more than you loved him, what would that look like in the relationship? What kinds of things would you be differently?“I want to be able to say no when I don’t feel comfortable doing something.” What is stopping you from saying no?
“I want to be the type of girlfriend he would like to shower with attention and forget about whatever they did to him.” This is actually not about your actions, it’s about his actions – which you have no control over. Whether he is able to let go of whatever you did to him or not, is about his own character and his own choices and have nothing to do with the kind of girlfriend you are. You could be the most amazing girlfriend ever and he still would have trouble showering you with affection and forgiving and letting go. Make sense?
“I want to be happy and get him to do what I want without nagging him.” What do you think it would take for you to be happy? It sounds like you believe that if he did what you wanted, you would feel happy. Essentially, that is putting your personal power, your happiness in HIS hands. As long as that is where it stays, you will never be happy. You are making HIM your source for happiness, when the responsibility lies on you instead. It is YOUR job to do what you need to do to feel inside and he has the same job. If 2 people really focus on their own internal happiness, when they come together, the relationship runs much more smoothly, is so much more healthy and the internal happiness in each person just expands when they are together.
So let me ask you the question again. What kind of girlfriend do you want to be? Forget about him and how he makes you feel. I want to know how YOU want to treat him, that makes you feel good about yourself as a person. What kind of person do you want to be in this relationship that would make you feel proud of who you are?
I get that your questions can be overwhelming for him. I tend to do that with guys I have dated. I LOVE asking questions and many times they are questions that are quite deep. There is no place in a conversation I am uncomfortable with going. That’s not often the case with most people. The thing is, it’s who I am. What I realized a long time ago is that I needed to find someone who enjoys and appreciates that aspect of me – not run from it. So in a way, it’s a good filter for me. There is nothing wrong with him feeling overwhelmed with the questions you ask. It’s just where he is at right now – and he may always be like that – who knows. Your only job is to authentically be yourself. If he runs from that, then that is information you need, right? You have a decision to make, if you don’t feel safe to be who you truly are with him.
As far as feeling guilty about your choice to have sex, what would it take to forgive yourself? The guilt you are carrying to punish yourself and him, about your choice is causing harm – to both of you. This guilt you carry, is serving a purpose for you or you wouldn’t keep carrying it. How is holding onto this guilt helping you? In your mind, what would it take for you to release this guilt and truly forgive yourself and him?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
So it sounds like the first phase of opening things back up is on its way – but still very restrictive. We have things starting to open up in the beginning of May. Maybe. They have pushed the date every time, so I’ll be surprised if it actually happens. It’s really going to be a looooong year isn’t it? I think things will start to really open back up once the vaccine comes out. China is having a rise in outbreaks again since they started opening back up – at least that is what I heard. Who knows though – so much of the media is skewed these days.
I’m glad to hear you guys had good talk! You guys needed that! Will he get his phone fixed soon so you can video chat? Maybe you guys can set up a weekly date night. You can play games, you can make dinner and eat together, you can put on some fun music and dance. Just a thought. I think it can help create variety, keep you guys engaged, have something fun to look forward to and keep thing nourished between you guys.
Heidi
Hi Devin,
Wow, you sure are going through a lot right now. I am so sorry! I can see why you are so confused and not sure what to do.
I am really, really proud of you for setting that boundary. He obviously isn’t responding to that very well which gives you some information about him. Part of the problem here is that YOU haven’t been very clear. He decided to leave and break up, but he is still reaching out, getting jealous about your FB activity, coming over for sex etc. He says he has broken up, but his actions are not in alignment with that – and you have been joining him in that confusing design. He is going to be who he wants to be – you can’t do anything about that, but you can get clear yourself. If his choice is to break up, then boundaries need to be set. When you don’t set boundaries for yourself, you are teaching him and yourself that he can do whatever he wants and you are just going to go along with him. You are giving your power away to him. You did a GREAT thing setting a boundary about the sex, but now it’s time to set more breakup boundaries. How do you feel about not connecting anymore. No more talking, no more seeing each other, no more anything. This will allow you the very important space you need to heal AND it will give him a true reality check about his choices. He thinks he misses you now – he has no idea what missing you feels like because you keep connecting with him. Whatever his reasons for breaking up are, they are HIS things to work out on his own, without you. He needs to get his head on straight and get clear about what he wants. He cannot do that as long as you guys keep connecting. You are doing him a great service by cutting ties completely! As long as you keep connecting, he is never going to figure out what he truly wants. He has no clue what it feels like to NOT have you in his life – and believe it or not, that is one of the most important things he needs to feel in order to have any kind of clarity.
On the other hand, YOU also need to fight for yourself. Don’t you want to be with a guy who is committed to you? Who knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wants to be with you? It’s awful for you sitting in the “gray” zone while he “figure out” what the heck he wants. You deserve more than that, but you have to fight for it yourself. YOU need to get clear about how you want to be treated instead of just letting him take the lead. When YOU take the lead of your own life, when YOU treat yourself well and respect yourself by setting boundaries and requirements as to how you are treated, then the people around you will align with that – and if they can’t or won’t, then they fall away – and that’s important.
I understand you want him back. If you understand that setting these boundaries, disconnecting from him and letting him feel the FULL weight of his choices, it actually might inspire him to come back and fully commit again. Men love strong women who require them to be on their best behavior. Men are attracted to women who respect themselves. Men are attracted to women that have to fight for. Reality is, he doesn’t have to really fight for you or chase you, because you are giving him everything he wants, anytime he wants. You setting that boundary about no more sex was one of the best things you could have done. Even though he is upset about that and keeps bringing it up, you did a really healthy thing for yourself! He will have to deal.
How does what everything I said make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Daisha,
Thank you for sharing all of this! First, I really really want to commend you for all the work you are doing! You are working really hard to heal and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are someone who doesn’t give up. Well done!!!
So let’s dig into the guy thing a little more. What is it about men that causes you to stumble in conversation? What anxieties and fears come up about men? You said “I am naturally me if given the chance.” Can you explain that further? What do you mean if given the chance?
Most times a lack of patience is about anxiety (fear of the future) mixed with not trusting (or having faith in God). So let’s look at your lack of patience and wanting to rush things. Why is it that you want it to happen now vs. just letting something build slowly?
Heidi
Then it sounds like you are pretty clear about that. He is lucky to have you in his life!
How are you feeling about all of it now that you have a different perspective? Are you able to find more peace about all of it? I know it’s crazy hard to feel completely peaceful about it. It’s a really hard thing to watch someone you deeply care about, walk into a BIG MESS!
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I understand your need to be there for him. This is actually not a very simple answer. Whenever I coach people how to be a good friend / partner / lover, one of the first things to pay attention to, is to not exclude yourself from the equation. Loving someone else and caring for someone is not loving or caring if you do it at the expense of yourself. Now it’s not to say there aren’t seasons where you are more giving (at the expense of your own needs) than receiving. For example, you may work, so your guy can finish his graduate degree or he may take on extra time caring for the kids so you can go through an online course. There is an agreement AND there are other sources in the relationship you are both feeding each other.
When it comes to friendship, it is NOT a healthy thing to “be there for him” if he is not still feeding the friendship in some way. If he disappears and ghosts and does not care for the relationship, for you to be sitting and waiting for him when and if he decides to return, is not really a loving and respectful choice for yourself is it? You are basically telling him and yourself that he can treat you as he wishes, he can ignore and ghost and then return when he is wounded enough and you will be right there waiting for him. That is not respect nor care for who you are as a person and a friend. That is not him valuing and caring for your friendship in his life. So…that gives you something to think about.
Also, you don’t want to enable him too much. Meaning, if he comes crawling back to you because he has been hurt, if you do whatever you can to relieve his pain, you are helping him strip one of the most precious things that pain can offer – which is growth. If you help him lessen the pain and discomfort, he will be less motivated to grow. Remember…pain is the motivator. So HOW you support him is important. If you are going to be a good friend, you will be okay with him hurting, knowing there is a higher purpose in it. You can listen and support and comfort, but the moment you start to feel yourself get sucked into his pain and want to “rescue” him from it, you are doing both you and him a disservice. What I like to do is offer techniques, articles, videos etc. to help people rescue themselves. So yes, be a good listener and offer advice if he asks, but do not be at his beck and call and do not over give to the point that you don’t exist in the relationship anymore. If all you guys talk about is him and his pain, you are no longer in relationship with him – you are in a relationship with HIS pain and you don’t exist anymore. So there needs to be boundaries and limits.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Josette,
Gosh, I am so sorry for all that you both are going through. Everything Kanya has suggested is spot on. With what you have shared, it does sound like you both are very young emotionally when it comes to relationships and love. How you both communicate, the choices you both have made and how all of this is being handled, just exposes the baggage you both carry, that was probably there before you guys even met.
Another factor is how young you guys got married. The decade of the 20s is truly about development. It’s the time to go out and live in the world for the very first time, hopefully all on your own. It’s how a person really figures out the kind of person they want to be in the world. During that time, they go and try on EVERTHING (hopefully). They date all kinds of different people, try different jobs, figure out how to financially take care of themselves – or not. When people get married in their 20s and cut those experiences short, especially by having a baby, it can have a lot of consequences later on in life (hence the mid-life crises in the 40s and 50s). It all depends on the person’s personality though. This may be one dynamic that is happening for both of you.
I know you guys have a super strong bond and that has been validated, even through that therapist. The thing is, the bond has become more important than yours or his self-love. Your son asked you that question because he is seeing how you are not respecting yourself or loving yourself very well, by continuing to choose to be with a guy who is not respecting you.
A bond is a bond, but that does not mean the love is healthy. When you are loving someone at the expense of yourself, at the expense of being treated well and treated them well (under all conditions) – it’s woundedness that is leading you – not love. It’s not love that is being exchanged between the 2 of you. You may feel love, but the actions being expressed between the both of you are not loving.
The thing is, to TRULY repair anything, it starts within each person. Imagine you have a big bowl full of all your issues about love – that started from childhood. He has one too. Then you come together and join your bowls. The product of your merged bowls, full of low self-esteem, full of lies, full of woundedness and hurt, limiting beliefs and patterns – is what gets expressed into the relationship. You can work on the merged relationship bowl issues all you want, but until each person deals with what they brought from their own bowl first and foremost, nothing will get resolved completely and unhealthy patterns will not change.
You both have been through a lot with each other. You BOTH are exhausted, as you should be. If you stay together, I would suggest you both do individual therapy combined with couples therapy. If you guys decide to divorce, then I would suggest you get yourself into therapy of some sort and start to take that deep healing path. My guess is, there is a lot of unresolved hurt and anger that you are carrying deep inside that has been there a long time – even before he came along. You have such a beautiful and expansive heart and ability to connect and feel deeply. You want that to be shared with someone who deeply cares for, values and appreciates your heart. It has to start with you first though. You have to treat yourself that way first before expecting or requiring that from another person. So in essence, your husband is reflecting back to you, how you treat yourself and you are reflecting back to him, how he treats himself. Make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jody,
You are judging HIS path as “wrong.” You actually don’t have that kind of insight. Just because someone is heading into a direction that is going to cause all kinds of chaos and pain, does not mean it is wrong. Many times, chaos and drama and pain is the very best teacher in life. The most amazing, transformative and powerful transformations have been inspired by pain. When someone is hurting enough, they will finally do whatever it takes to get out of it – which means they are finally ready to make the choices they were not willing to make before.
If this girl is what he chooses and he ends up losing all his friends and then he gets burned, wouldn’t you say that is the BEST way for him to learn? There is something in him, whether you like it or not, that is attracted to being treated this way. That attraction is coming from a place of woundedness and low self-esteem. Adding to the pain by getting burned over and over again is something he needs to experience. As his friend, you can warn him all you want, but that also means that YOU are investing in a friend who might end up choosing another girl over you. So what does that say about you and your choices of who you let into your life?
Each person we interact with has things to teach us. This other girl is his teacher, as she is your teacher as well. She is exposing your judgment. She is exposing the kind of person he really is and how he truly feels about himself. She is exposing your fears about losing him as a friend. Wouldn’t you say all of that is a good thing? I know it doesn’t feel good, but that’s not the point. It’s what is real and what needs to be embraced and healed in each of you.
Heidi
Hi Daisha,
Thank you for sharing more details. You really have been through a lot in your life! I’m so sorry for all that you have had to endure. I’m curious…have you ever worked with a therapist or specialist to help you heal from all the abuse?
I understand your need to find the “real deal.” The thing is, as much as you say: “They think I am purposely trying to rush things and that in not my intentions” the truth is, you are rushing things. You need to pay attention to what your actions are. What you said to this current guy IS rushing things. Everything you said about how he is your dream guy is the fantasy you have been playing in your head about who he is. You haven’t even talked to him on the phone. So despite your intentions, everything you are doing is completely opposite. It’s not bad or wrong – but it is something to really look at inside yourself. It’s a journey you need to take inside yourself. What is happening inside of you that you feel you need to rush things? What is happening inside of you that you struggle with what to say to guy?
When someone comes from a lot of abuse, there is a TON of low self-esteem that gets developed. If you don’t take the journey to work on healing those parts of you, what ends up happening is that that low self-esteem part of you is the one who ends up picking your next mate. Which means…guaranteed drama in one way or another. That low self-esteem acts as a beacon to guys who are interested in controlling women. They may be abusive, they may be OCD, they may be passive-aggressive – but either way they will find you. That’s why healing is sooooo important. You want to shift that low self-esteem into high self-esteem. That low self-esteem is part of the reason why you struggle with what to say and why you end up rushing things. It sounds like you still have a lot of baggage from the past that you are carrying with you. Remember that “like” attracts “like.” Meaning, if you are carrying a lot of baggage, you will attract a guy who is also carrying a lot of baggage. A guy with only a little baggage will not be attracted to you, because you are not in a similar place in life. The less baggage, the more healthy. If you want a healthy relationship, then it’s important for you to some healing work first and foremost.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s an awful feeling to not have someone reciprocate your feelings – especially a good friend.
Yes, this other girl does not seem really clear about how she feels. Childish or not though, it’s not your place to interfere. If he chooses to go down this path, it’s something he NEEDS to experience in order to grow as a person. If he is attracted to and pursues a woman like this, there are lessons waiting for him to learn. There are things he needs to experience with her, both painful and joyful, that are meant for his growth.
Do you think you can find a way to be at peace with his choices and trust the process?
Heidi
