[Heidi G]

Hi Marissa,

This is so strange that you have no idea why he broke up. Whatever did happen for him, it was big enough for him to disconnect.

Just something for you to think about and consider. If this is how he chose to end it, it’s important for you to acknowledge that he is showing you the kind of guy he is. What that means is, even if you do get back together, the odds of him doing this again, in some form or fashion, are super high. When stress gets high enough for him, he most likely will always shut you out of it – maybe even break up again.
It’s not a kind thing to break up and not communicate your reasons. He is running from something and doesn’t want to face it – and he gets to do that! But just be aware that YOU are choosing this as well, as long as you participate and are in a relationship with him.

With that being said, I suggest disconnecting a little more. Take longer to respond to his texts. STOP initiating as well. See what happens over the next few weeks. Then…you can send him a text asking him for help with something. You don’t want to do that now though. You want to create some distance from the breakup first.

Do you feel okay about this approach?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Candace,

You are asking some great questions! Let’s see if we can sift through them all.

1. It’s soooooo important that you have standards – that baseline of qualities that you are not willing to negotiate away, just to have connection with them. If you come across a deal-breaker, then yes, end it immediately. Everyone has different deal breakers, so it’s important for you to get VERY clear about what those are for you. I would say that the baseline for everyone should be no addictions and no abuse (verbal and physical). Then the list will grow from there according to what works and doesn’t work for you. So here is an assignment for you. It’s what I call the “non-negotiable” list. These are the qualities that NEED to exist in a man if he is going to be in relationship with you. Without these qualities, there is no way it will ever last long term. Let’s say you have 10 qualities and you meet someone with only 8 qualities. He would be someone you need to say goodbye to. That’s how serious this non-negotiable list needs to be. They truly are qualities you cannot live without, therefore every single quality HAS to be met. Creating this list is a process and ever-changing as you get to know yourself better, but it’s an incredible guide for when you are dating and helps keep you accountable. If you want to just go out and date and have fun, the list doesn’t matter, but when you are looking to fall in love and have a longer term experience, then it matters.

Here’s just a few examples on my list:
1. Romantic
2. High emotional intelligence
3. Active
4. Loves dogs
5. Loves the mountains and the outdoors

When I was in my 20s, #3 used to be athletic. I really needed a guy to play a sport and be good at it. I also was an athlete and those were the personality types that I really responded to. I realized as I got older, that dating a guy who was active was totally fine – as long as he exercises, hikes, bikes and enjoys being active, that works for me! I could NEVER be with a guy who wasn’t interested in moving his body and exercising. I could never last with a guy long term if there wasn’t romance. I LOVE dogs and have weekly playdates with them and many times have up to 6 dogs at my house in an afternoon. If a guy doesn’t like dogs, we will never last. Do you see what I’m getting at??

Now with that being said, the flip side is, you also need to have every single one of those qualities you are asking for. So if you want a guy who is active, but you are not really active yourself, it won’t work. If you want a guy who is successful in his career and driven and you are not that yourself, it won’t work. So that’s where working on yourself is important. You never want to ask or require something from someone else, that you are not able to offer in return.

Whenever I come across a guy that I discover will not be a good fit, I simply say “I don’t feel the way I want to, in order to continue to move forward. Thank you for your time….”

Hopefully this was helpful.

2. As far as talking about your family, I think it’s important to look at HOW you are speaking about your family. If it is a point of contention between you and several different people, that is an indicator that something is off. Your choice to be involved with your family in the way you are, causes you stress. You get to choose that, but it’s another thing to complain about it. Imagine you had a friend who was dating a guy who only stressed her out. Imagine that every time she talked about him, she complained or she cried, or she would talk about her hurt feelings. Every time, being the good friend you are, you offer advice, but she never takes it. She just comes back again and again and again, complaining about the same exact thing and not willing to make any changes. So there comes a point where you just get sick of hearing about it and you lose respect for her, because she is making a choice to be miserable. As her friend, you would just feel powerless and not truly valued for your advice, because it doesn’t make a difference anyways.

Do you think your friends might feel this way when you talk about your family?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

LOL – life would be so much easier and better if people just acted the way we wanted them to, right?? I get the frustration. I remember when I was younger, I judged people a lot about the smaller, insignificant things. As I began my healing journey and clearing out all the gunk inside, I noticed those silly judgments just melted away and no longer mattered. But then, I also noticed other judgments, more self-righteous judgments, started showing up – things like what you get frustrated about. Things like people not understanding the deeper truth, people wanting to stay in their illusion and fantasy, people not wanting to know the truth so they can stay connected to what they want to believe etc. So…I get your frustrations. It’s a good practice isn’t it??

So it’s sounds like you might end up seeing your guy this weekend. What’s the potential plan? He is coming to your house? It sounds like you have some concern as he has been less communicative than you prefer. Is that correct? Is your concern that he may have lost some interest? Or lost momentum?

This week, some things have opened up for us here in Colorado. My gym (where I work) has re-opened as it’s only a personal training gym, not a big gym for the general public. The owner has taking some MAJOR precautions to keep it clean and safe. He has 2 different machines that run in the gym every night and kill off every ounce of virus and bacteria, he sectioned off areas of the gym where trainers have to stay with their clients and there are only allowed 10 people total at a time. BUT, none of my clients wants to come back yet. LOL. Most are happy with just doing zoom. I don’t mind, as I’m kind of similar to you – I’d prefer to stay away for another month or so and see what happens. Hopefully we don’t have to go into a shutdown again. How has it been since you guys have opened up a bit?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Carrie,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for your question. Would you mind sharing more details? It will help us better guide you through this.

You say that your team is all women who are in more distress than you are, so he’s getting his needs fulfilled in that way. How do you know? Do you know if he is starting to feel an attraction towards another woman you are working with?

What do you feel might have caused his lack of attraction towards you? Do you feel it’s about attraction or do you feel it could be something else? How would you describe your relationship? Easy, challenging? Fun, dramatic? Do you have any idea what happened 6 months ago? Did something happen in the relationship or in his life personally?

Looking forward to your response.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ke T,

The thing is, it’s not really your job to figure him out. He needs to align BOTH his actions and words to communicate to you what he wants. He is sending a lot of mixed messages and that just means he is split. He has 1 part that wants to connect and another part that is scared. It’s a battle you don’t want to try to figure out. He can’t figure it out for himself! So my suggestion is, decide what YOU want and then be willing to align 100% with that. He can either join you on that journey or not.

Does that make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Samantha,

I know how hard it is right now. I know you created a dream around him and creating a family together and it’s time for you to let go of that dream.

What I want to encourage you to do, is to feel the hurt and the loss, but DO NOT create a story around him being the one to fulfill the love you’ve always dreamed of. That simply isn’t true. There are many experiences of love in this world. Love is like a tree. You are the trunk and the branches are the relationships. A branch grew with him, but now it’s time for it to die off. It DOES NOT mean it’s your only chance at a powerful love. What it does mean, is that the branch dying off creates room for a new branch to grow. It won’t be the same kind of branch, but it can be just as powerful and strong, if not more. When you are healed and ready to experience love again, you will find your heart opens up and is willing to take the risk.

For now, your focus needs to be on healing the hurt, having great compassion and care for yourself and staying connected with us and keep talking! We are good voices for you to read, so you can stay clear of limiting beliefs that will block your healing.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Candace,

I’m so sorry! How are you doing?? How are you feeling? I’m wondering if he was just ready to end it anyways. For him to jump to conclusions without really talking it all the through with you, sounds like he might have been looking for a way out anyways. What is your sense about this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Marissa,

I’m sorry this happening! How confusing for you!

So you really have no idea why he needed to break up? What is the current status? Are you guys talking at all? Has he reached out at all? What was your relationship like together? Did you feel that he truly loved you? How was the communication between you guys? Was he typically pretty open and honest about his feelings? Were you?

All of these things will help us better guide your next steps.

Looking forward to your response!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharon!

You sound very grounded and clear about where you stand. Well done! I love that you are trying something new where you are not chasing. It’s hard, but you will discover new strength and value in yourself by making a guy work a little more for all that you have to offer. Pay attention to all the feelings you have that come up, as you try on this new way of being.

Keep us updated! We would love to hear how you are experiencing yourself through this.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharon,

Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful!

It sounds like his plate is really full right now and that is what is influencing him the most. My guess is, he is scared to connect with you. He may really like and not want to mess this up and end up disappointing you. You said he got his retirement statement and then went radio silent. That most likely is really influencing him as well.

For men, they NEED to produce something in life. It’s part of the core of how they function. Even if a guy were to be the stay at home dad, he would naturally be attracted to doing projects around the house or get himself involved in creating something. For women, we are driven at our core by relationships. We are the caretakers of our relationships. This is one of many differences between men and women. With that being said, he is facing retirement, it sounds like there are some challenges and uncertainty at work in some sort of way and it’s going to flip his world upside down. He has had an identity for a super long time through his work and his ability to produce and now he is nearing all of that ending. For men, it is life-changing – in a different way than it is for women (generally speaking of course). From everything I know, when a guy doesn’t have his feet grounded in who he is in this world and in his career, he is NOT AVAILABLE for a new relationship. I’ve personally experienced this along with helped a lot of women through this same scenario. Men just have a really hard time trying to start or maintain a newer relationship when his job situation is not solid and doesn’t feel good. Your guy is having to deal with the ending of his job – retirement. So…with that being said, I would continue to expect that he will be present with you, then not. It’s going to take some time for him to get through this “once in a lifetime” kind of phase that shifts your entire identity. Everyone responds differently, but your goal is to just continue to be a good support. Maybe get him talking about it whenever you get the chance. Keep it light, stay connected and let him know you are there, not needing to force anything, not pressuring – just being patient. That’s the best way you can support him through this. When he feels that from you, you will be someone he turns to for support. For example, he may be feeling crappy one day and then decides to reach out just to say “hi” to you so he can feel better. You may not know that is what he is doing, but that action, in and of itself, is building connection. It’s building trust and safety and creating a feeling in him that he can come to you when he needs to feel better.

Does this make sense??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

I do get up very early. I usually hop on here around 4am, because I have soooo much to do in my day. It takes me 15 to 20 minutes to get going this early, but let me tell ya, my mind works double time in the morning, so I just try to take advantage that while I can. 🙂

Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts! I completely understand everything you are saying. You do have a part of you that is confident, super fun, very wise, a fighter, intelligent and has great internal strength! I had that part of me too. What I am referring to, however, is another part of you that works against you. The part of you that carries low self-esteem. I’m speaking about the part of you that has your foot on the break while the strong part you has your foot on the gas. Again, much of what I am talking about lives in you on the subconscious level. You would not be connected to it or feel it – yet it influences you every single day. Like I said before, there are a million little symptoms that are the language of the subconscious which lets us know what we are carrying deep inside – BUT we have to understand the language of the subconscious if we are going to connect to what we are carrying deep inside. As a simple example – you are quite a catch Rhonda, yet in your profile descriptions, you spend some effort trying to “convince” a guy that you are a catch. So one part of you knows you are a catch and another part of you doesn’t. That comes out in HOW you express yourself. I know you haven’t really been taught HOW to behave. You have some strong programming in your behavior, so the part of you that was programmed is terrified to be yourself. That part of you is what influences what shows up in your life. Here is a quick example. My friend was doing a session on herself around her relationship with money. She was working deeply to connect to her beliefs about money and she all of a sudden remembered a moment with her father when she was young. She worked on healing that moment, which was when a core belief was created, and then worked on embracing a healthier version of male energy. About an hour after her session and healing work, she went out to run some errands and she had 3 different guys literally hanging their heads out their car windows (at different times) checking her out. This NEVER happens!!!! That’s how quickly things can change when you shift from deep inside. What you carry, all the low self-esteem, all the deep beliefs about yourself that live at the core (alongside the strong and positive self) act like an energetic beacon and will attract to you whatever your strongest beliefs are. So one of the most obvious signs of what you carry in your subconscious, is what is being reflected to you on the outside of your life. Your friends, your finances, your health, your career, your love life etc. So for example, when I was younger going through my 20s and 30s, I attracted A LOT of clients that were hard for me. They were emotionally draining and high maintenance – not very peaceful souls. In my early 30s, I spent a handful of years doing some seriously deep dive work on myself, cleared a lot of baggage and now, every single one of my clients is amazing. No more high maintenance, emotionally draining people. That is a reflection that I cleared up my energetic beacon. Now, I have other areas I am working on cleaning up as well – but it’s a forever process, right? Healing and growing is a lifetime process.

So…if there is an area of your life where you don’t feel satisfied, where you are not getting what you want, where you are frustrated – it’s reflecting back to you that you are carrying some deep, subconscious beliefs that are at odds…1 foot on the gas, 1 foot on the brake. And it takes some skill and time to break all of it down and really get at the core beliefs that have their foot on the brake and align it and integrate it with the part of you that your foot on the gas. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you have shared. There are many, many layers here, so let’s just start with 1.

Firts, WELL DONE!!! I’m so glad you noticed that your thoughts were “He missed out on me” instead of “What’s wrong with me.” That is a HUGE HUGE step!!! You are growing and that is all that mattered!!!

I’m so glad you are not dating Dave. Stay away! Anyone who is still bitter after a decade, is someone who is not willing to truly forgive and heal. He will be no good in any kind of relationship.

I’m not sure which guy you are talking about in the last sentence, where you sent a response and he didn’t answer back.

Okay…so let’s do a little deeper dive here. Do you feel like you are fun to be around? Do you KNOW you are interesting? Do you KNOW that you are worth knowing and loving? These are not questions to answer with your mind, but instead with your heart. From everything you have shared, you have a lot of fear and programming that is the undercurrent of how you express yourself. I’m just going to be very honest here. Most of how you say things in your profile and how you ask your questions about guys, it’s leading with the energy of trying to CONVINCE someone of your worth and value. So for example, “How do I approach a man so he wants to get to know me?” You are asking for some sort of way that you can ACT and BEHAVE so he wants to get to know you vs. just KNOWING you are – therefore just being yourself is enough. Do you see the difference?? I can tell you from YEARS of experience…I mastered all of the ways to get a man’s attention and boy was I successful. BUT…that’s all I got was attention and nothing much more than that. Sure, I had a few quality relationships and yes, my self-esteem, worth and value were all connected to the attention I received. Yes, it felt good too and that’s why I kept doing it…it worked. But let’s look at the root here…I needed those other guys to give me, what I wasn’t giving myself – which was value, love, being seen, being recognized. They were my source of self-esteem. I knew it too. I didn’t realize how much they were my source until I moved to Tenessee and experienced a few years of nothingness. No flirting, hardly any dates, no one looking at me. I felt so powerless and a level of lonely I had never experienced before. I’d had dry spells before and knew that was the normal dating curve, but this was different. Even in my dry spells, I still noticed heads turning, I still new small ways to get little doses of attention. But in Tennessee, none of that worked. I felt anonymous. I felt like I could walk down the street naked and no one would notice. It was the first time in my life that I was truly left with just myself. I had to ask the question, “How do I know I am a female, unless a man let’s me know that?” I realized how much I defined even my femininity by the attention I would get. Yikes! It was painful to connect to the depth I had relied on men. Much longer story shorter….now I have finally aligned with my deeper self. I am my own source of self esteem, value and love. I do not seek nor need attention. I do not need a man to want to know me, because I KNOW I am worth knowing whether he thinks so or not. I am just myself now. I don’t do any of those special techniques I used all of the time to catch their attention. I am just myself and I get rejected all of the time! LOL. But you know what? I’m okay with that, because it’s about quality, not quantity. Each time I experience rejection, I get to practice connecting back to my own value. It strengthens me. It was A LOT of work and deep healing to get where I am today, but well worth it!!!

I’ve said a lot and I have no idea if I am getting my point across or if you understand what I am trying to reflect back to you. We obviously will keep talking this through and Kanya will have her wonderful wisdom to share as well.

In summary, you get a man to want to know you more by being someone you truly like to be around. Meaning, if I don’t like hanging out with myself, then why would anyone else? There is no technique or method out there to catch a man’s attention, that can replace the super power of self-love, self-confidence and self-respect.

Heidi

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Hi Candace,

Welcome! I’m glad you are here reaching out and asking your question. You are quite intelligent to slow down, ask for advice and really think this through. Well done!

First, your need for them is very high right now, because you are not able to meet your own needs. I obviously don’t know the nature of your situation, but what I do know, is probably the most important thing for you right now, is to find a place of your own, where you feel safe, respected and are able to take care of your basic needs. Relying on other people, your gym etc. to get your needs met is creative and resourceful for sure, but that can only last for so long. How do you feel about creating a plan to get yourself into a better environment somehow? If they are feeling sick of you, I would say it may be more about your situation vs. you personally. They are carrying the burden with you. I imagine that if you went to them and said, “Okay guys. I can’t do this anymore. I need to fight for myself and create a different situation. You guys have been sooooo amazingly helpful during this time, but I can’t keep doing this to you or myself anymore. I need your help. Let’s brainstorm about all the possibilities I have and make something happen.” They will respect you for fighting for yourself. They will find new purpose with you, instead of constantly needing to rescue you.

How do you feel about that approach?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh man. My heart is breaking with you. It’s such an awful feeling to have to hear something like that.

It’s time to release and heal. It’s not true that you will always love him. Love comes and goes all of the time and it changes into a lot of different forms. I love my last boyfriend still, but not the kind of romantic love I felt with him. I feel more of an appreciation kind of love for his life. You can turn off romantic love. That’s where healing comes in. You can heal the hurt of rejection, you can heal the hurt about the loss of the dream of your future you created with him. You can close the door of your heart to him, spend some time with yourself and love and future yourself like crazy and THEN….when you are ready, you can open your heart back up again to new possibilities. People go through this process all of time. That’s how people can find love again after being widowed or divorced. People lose love and find love many times over – it’s part of the life journey. I know right now it doesn’t feel like that is possible and that’s okay. Your focus right now is to start to help your heart heal from the loss. You are worth fighting for, even though he didn’t behave that way. You are worth loving, even though he isn’t choosing to love you. You are valuable in this world, even though he doesn’t want to support that by being in with a relationship with you. It’s important for you to get connected back to the truth of who you are and not let HIM define your value by his choices.

Stay connected here and empty out. It’s hugely helpful! Share your anger, your hurt, your sadness, your frustrations. Write it all out here!! We are here to help you through this and have a TON of ideas of how you can support yourself right now.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jas,

Welcome! You are asking some really great questions, but of course the answers are far from simple. Let’s see if we can sift through some of this to help bring clarity for your next best steps.

First, when you say you were “needy” after having the abortion, what did that look like? How did you act and behave with him? What was it like going through that with him? What were his feelings about all of it? How are you currently doing about your choice? Do you still have some feelings to work through or do you feel resolved?

Second, it’s really important you pay attention to what he is saying. “I feel numb, no energy to look at the things we discussed.”; “Relationships take energy and effort, and I can’t give you what you want.” He is overwhelmed about something. His system is shutting down because he cannot handle the amount of whatever it is that he is carrying on his shoulders. He is in survival mode and when a guy in a survival mode, they are typically not available for connecting – even if they are married. For men especially, when their job is not in alignment with who they are when it’s not going “as planned,” when they are questioning their job – they tend to crumble in some way or another. If you understand that the core of a man is about his ability to produce, it makes sense. A man’s core self-esteem is truly wrapped around his ability to produce, provide, support his family/himself etc. A man NEEDS to make something in this world. Even if he were a stay at home dad, you would find him looking for “projects” around the house. For a woman, our core self-esteem is wrapped around connection – relationships. If you were to take away our ability to connect and nurture the relationships in our lives, we would crumble. So at our very natures, we operate differently. What matters most to us, is very different. Men typically need to disconnect for a bit and go into their “cave” to process what is happening for them. Us ladies love to connect and talk. We tend to process much better as we are talking and connecting. A good book to really get a deeper understanding is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” The book is so old, but far from outdated. He really talks about the fundamental differences of how we handle our lives and ways we can support each other through it.

I want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing. He needs to be in his “cave” and figure some things out. It sounds like there are some challenges about his job, he most likely is carrying feelings about the abortion, he is doing a “life review” kind of thing (which is pretty common when you get around age 40) where he is looking back going “Who am I and what have I created in my life?” He sounds quite uncomfortable inside of himself, which means he is not really available to care for the relationship in any real way. It also sounds like he doesn’t have a good skill set about how to handle all of it, so his best option is to just go hide. Right now, you are learning about who he truly is. You are seeing how he handles stress and what he does with it. You are experiencing that he needs to go into his cave and disconnect completely instead of facing everything head-on WITH you in his life. You are seeing his coping mechanisms.

This is who he is. He gets to live his life this way. He gets to disconnect. He gets to be all wrapped up in his life. The real question here is, can you accept all of that about him? How he is handling this situation is how he has always handled his life. We all have our very own ways to cope with our lives – most of the time not in very healthy ways. I too have a tendency to want to hide and disconnect. I (I’m also an INFP) used to do that all of the time, but I made a choice to not cause harm in that way and really worked on developing a better skillset so that I don’t sabotage relationships every time. Now, even though I still want to run, I have a stronger side of me that makes me stay and fight and face what I need to. It doesn’t sound like he is quite in that place yet though. It sounds like he needs to sift through this mess he feels inside before he make any kind of decision about his life.

Thoughts?

Heidi

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