Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Marissa,
It sounds like it probably is best to really just let this go for right now. The energy you are giving off and your “need” to connect and get answers, is exactly what is pushing him away. A man likes to feel that his woman has this inner strength. When he falls apart, when he disconnects, when he messes up, he needs to feel that she will be okay. Whenever we go into the energy of trying to convince them, beg them, explain to them or go after them – it is what causes them to lose respect. You essentially are reaching out, trying to force something to happen and pull him back into a relationship with you in a way that is giving him all your power. He doesn’t want that power. He wants you to keep that power for yourself and own it!
So for example, you could have said a lot of the same things, but just in a different way that kept you empowered. So instead of saying “I should have asked you if you needed space instead of asking if you wanted to be in a relationship….” you could have said, “Listen. I know you need some space. I trust that what is happening right now, despite how much it hurts, will help me become a better person. It would be helpful if I knew why you are done with us. It will help me truly look at myself and our situation and learn from it. If not, I will choose to respect that and let it go.”
Do you feel the difference in the “tone” of what is being said? The way you are communicating is by giving him all of your power to either make you happy or miserable. No one wants that kind of responsibility. When you keep your power and know that YOU are the only source of your happiness and that everyone else is just a bonus or add on, the right kind of people will be drawn to you like flies!
Does this make sense?
Again, give him some space, work with the feelings that are coming up and don’t look to him to help you feel better. Do you have some friends who can support you through this? What can you do to take care of yourself right now? What kinds of nurturing things can you do?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
It sounds like you are heading into hopelessness and depression. Is that how you are feeling??
First, it’s so important for you to realize that whatever story you carry in your mind about what is happening in your life, that story is what will dominate your life. So for example, if your story is “no one understands” then that is what will show up in your life. If your story is “It’s a little too late” then that is what will show up for you. Our thoughts and our beliefs are what ends up showing up in our experiences and reality. My point is, the energy and mindset is what needs to be healed, not necessarily the action.
For example, there is no need for you to stop talking about your experiences with your family. It’s more about HOW you talk about it. If you talk about it in a way that expresses more of a victim type of energy, people will want to help at first, but then get really exhausted hearing about it. If you talk about it in a way where you are giving off an empowered energy, people will be able to listen to that all day. They won’t feel like they need to rescue you, because they FEEL the energy coming off of you as if you totally got it under control and it’s all good.
As far as making a stand and your fear of regretting it later and not feeling like you have a choice…none of that has to be true. Again, this is the story you are creating about your situation and it’s the story you are investing your emotions into, therefore it’s your reality. Where your true choice lies, is in what you believe. The truth is, you DO have a million choices. You are not trapped. You have all the power in the world, right at your fingertips, to create your life the way you want. You have all the power in the world to choose what you want to believe in. It’s’ FEAR that is stopping you. Fear = Lies. Fear cannot exist without lies. So whenever fear is in the driver’s seat, we are choosing to believe in a lie rather than the truth. What’s the truth? The truth is, no matter what path you take, each path has many gifts for you. Each path has the potential to make you stronger. Each path is just a choice about how you want to live. If you end up regretting the choices you made, then great! All that means is you have an opportunity to work with the feelings of regret and heal the lies that source the feeling of regret. If you just keep running and avoiding regret, it will NEVER go away and it will constantly and always keep you from living your life. It will keep you stuck 100% of the time. So the choices you have are to either face the fears that are stopping you from living your life, or let them keep running your life. Your choices exist in the stories you decide to tell yourself about your life.
Listen, I know how hard this is. I have been where you are many, many, many times. I have felt helpless, hopeless, angry and every other dark emotion you can imagine – in very deep ways. There is nothing easy about living with those feelings. There is a way out of them though. You have to fight your way out of those lies and fight to connect to the truth – at all costs. My life 20 years ago was sooooo different than what it is today. There is no quick fix. It’s a long steady journey, but one worth taking. I chose to get to know my fears and step into them. I chose to keep fighting for the life I knew was my divine right to live – which is to feel really happy and love life. I chose to get back up every single time I got knocked down – which felt like a never-ending battle. Now, I am a completely different person. I am incredibly strong and resilient. Every time I chose to fight, face my fears and work to change the stories I was telling myself, I became more resilient and I built a strength that is unbreakable. You have that same choice, that exact same opportunity and that exact ability to heal that I did.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carrie,
Wow…you guys have been through an incredible amount together! It sounds like it’s truly been since October since things started to go downhill.
Would you say that before that, you both like your relationship? How did it function? Was it romantic and passionate at all? Did you feel really good together, despite the changes you were facing about the business and the other stuff?
Honestly, this sounds like an incredible opportunity for you. I know you want to be with him, but what if instead, you took this time to truly connect to yourself, your insecurities and become the woman you truly want to be. He will be able to see all of the changes you are making along the way and you will have an incredible chance to get back together with him and make it better than ever. For example, it’s important you really connect with your feminine side and get cozy with flirting. Have you ever tried belly dancing??? Or salsa? Those kinds of dances really can get you into your body and help expose areas where you are feeling really stuck. It requires 100% full activation of the female side. It will help you with your flirting a TON! Yes, there is a technique to flirting, but all the techniques in the world won’t work if you don’t have the energy of your sexuality, the energy of your feminine behind it. So working on the energy first, is really important.
You mentioned that he said: “I’m not vulnerable with him, don’t have faith in him and don’t have a lot of respect for him.” What’s this about? Tell us more about this. Why he would feel that way? If it feels like an area you could improve upon, do you know what is stopping you from feeling safe and vulnerable with him?
For now, it’s best that you move into another room. It’s important to create some sort of distance and space. Ideally, you guys would not even live together, but it doesn’t sound like that is an option at the moment. You need some space to really feel whatever is going on for you and he needs some space to also feel whatever he needs to feel.
I’m not sure what you meant by asking if you should take his help or not. You said, “I don’t know how much to take him up on his offer to help me through all of this – he wants me to but I struggle for my independence from him if he really doesn’t want to pursue our romantic relationship.” What specifically is he offering to help you with?
As far as self-confidence, no one is ever 100%. Every single person on the face of the planet has low self-esteem. It’s just part of being human. The strong, healthy person is able to love themselves when low self-esteem shows up. They are able to connect deeply with themselves, have compassion and work through the challenges with more ease. So how about you explain a little more about what your vision is for yourself. What kind of person would you be, if you were 100%? How would you feel, compared to how you feel now? What do you feel is missing for you that you are not 100% ?
Heidi
Hi Courtney,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions with us. I understand your confusion and not wanting to walk into something where you could get hurt.
I know what he feels like. I used to be like that. Sooooo many times I would have a guy tell me that they missed me and I would just say “thank you.” I wouldn’t say it back, because it wasn’t how I felt, at least at that moment. It hurt their feelings a lot, but I wasn’t going to say I felt something that I didn’t. I also had a TON of baggage. Like your guy, I had a really challenging life and I just didn’t have access to my heart very well. It wasn’t safe. I didn’t trust, I couldn’t feel very deeply and I honestly liked it that way…why? Because I couldn’t really get hurt that way. My guess is, your guy is doing the same thing.
There is something VERY important for you to understand here. It is not YOUR JOB to get him to open up. He may open up little bits over time, but he will NEVER be capable of going really deep unless he does healing work. This is not about you doing or saying something to help him feel more safe to let you in. Yes, those kinds of thing can work, but only up to a point. You will undoubtedly hit a HUGE wall that you are not going to get past. So it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you understand that this is who he is. Listen to what he is telling you…”that he feels fine and that’s just how he always is” This is how he wants to live his life. THIS IS WHO HE IS. He has a hard time feeling and he will have a hard time receiving your affections as well. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for you. It just means he has a limit of how deeply he will allow himself to go. It’s not even a conscious choice. It’s an automatic response that he has not control over. His heart will literally prevent him from having deep, intimate, vulnerable connections. He does not feel safe to have that, so his system is on auto pilot controlling how deeply he can feel. My system did the same exact thing and there was nothing I could do about it, until I got fed up with it and decided to do something about it.
So you need to decide if he is the kind of guy that is worth it for you. He is going to be rejecting. It most likely will take FOREVER for him to say “I love you.” He is not the kind of guy that uses his words to tell you how he feels, so that is going to be missing in the relationship. Also, you might want to check out the 5 Love Languages website. It’s great for understanding how you and him are different in how you express your feelings. He sounds like he is more attuned “acts of service.”
Either way, when you see him this weekend, do not bring it up again. He feels fine. You interpreted him as being cold, but he was just being himself. The issue lies within you having trouble accepting that. You said “I miss you” so you could hear it back and it didn’t work and it hurt your feelings. It’s important for you to forgive him for not being what you needed him to be and then release it. And then it’s important for you to get very clear about whether he is the kind of guy you want to be in relationship with…EXACTLY AS HE IS.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carrie,
Thank you for sharing more details. I still have a few questions. Why is he trying to get all of you ladies to communicate better? Is there an issue with that? That would be exhausting for anyone to have to deal with, but even more so for a guy. They just are not built like us and there is so much they are not able to understand about how we communicate. Why is he taking on that responsibility?
So this business is owned by both of you?
How was the sex between you guys? Was it frequent? Did you feel passion was there? Was there flirting?
What do you mean your relationship may have been too relaxed? And can you explain why he would be frustrated about how you take of yourself? Has he actually said that to you?
And you said that he didn’t want to feel like he was letting you down “anymore.” Tell us more about that.
Heidi
Oh wow!!! People are really going out then! Out here, so far people have been pretty good. But then again, I am still staying at home quite a bit like you, except to go to a grocery store. I do go to parks to meet a few of my clients, but they are pretty empty still. We don’t have metro here. Just buses and those have remained pretty empty. But of course, the young kids are not respecting the rules very well. There is a skateboard park I can see from my house and that is crowded every day! There is also a swimming hole where 100s of kids are gathering too. It’s frustrating! When all of this first started and we went on lockdown, the college kids still had a huge party (we have a big University in town) and 1 of the kids at the party turned out to have Covid. Ugggghh! Frustrating! Very different mindsets at that age.
So it sounds like you feeling mad is really your fear of being rejected and losing him. Yes? And your instinct is you want to pull away and not be excited to see him? I mean, I know you will go see him, but maybe your heart will be guarded some?
Heidi
Hi Marissa,
This is so strange that you have no idea why he broke up. Whatever did happen for him, it was big enough for him to disconnect.
Just something for you to think about and consider. If this is how he chose to end it, it’s important for you to acknowledge that he is showing you the kind of guy he is. What that means is, even if you do get back together, the odds of him doing this again, in some form or fashion, are super high. When stress gets high enough for him, he most likely will always shut you out of it – maybe even break up again.
It’s not a kind thing to break up and not communicate your reasons. He is running from something and doesn’t want to face it – and he gets to do that! But just be aware that YOU are choosing this as well, as long as you participate and are in a relationship with him.With that being said, I suggest disconnecting a little more. Take longer to respond to his texts. STOP initiating as well. See what happens over the next few weeks. Then…you can send him a text asking him for help with something. You don’t want to do that now though. You want to create some distance from the breakup first.
Do you feel okay about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
You are asking some great questions! Let’s see if we can sift through them all.
1. It’s soooooo important that you have standards – that baseline of qualities that you are not willing to negotiate away, just to have connection with them. If you come across a deal-breaker, then yes, end it immediately. Everyone has different deal breakers, so it’s important for you to get VERY clear about what those are for you. I would say that the baseline for everyone should be no addictions and no abuse (verbal and physical). Then the list will grow from there according to what works and doesn’t work for you. So here is an assignment for you. It’s what I call the “non-negotiable” list. These are the qualities that NEED to exist in a man if he is going to be in relationship with you. Without these qualities, there is no way it will ever last long term. Let’s say you have 10 qualities and you meet someone with only 8 qualities. He would be someone you need to say goodbye to. That’s how serious this non-negotiable list needs to be. They truly are qualities you cannot live without, therefore every single quality HAS to be met. Creating this list is a process and ever-changing as you get to know yourself better, but it’s an incredible guide for when you are dating and helps keep you accountable. If you want to just go out and date and have fun, the list doesn’t matter, but when you are looking to fall in love and have a longer term experience, then it matters.
Here’s just a few examples on my list:
1. Romantic
2. High emotional intelligence
3. Active
4. Loves dogs
5. Loves the mountains and the outdoorsWhen I was in my 20s, #3 used to be athletic. I really needed a guy to play a sport and be good at it. I also was an athlete and those were the personality types that I really responded to. I realized as I got older, that dating a guy who was active was totally fine – as long as he exercises, hikes, bikes and enjoys being active, that works for me! I could NEVER be with a guy who wasn’t interested in moving his body and exercising. I could never last with a guy long term if there wasn’t romance. I LOVE dogs and have weekly playdates with them and many times have up to 6 dogs at my house in an afternoon. If a guy doesn’t like dogs, we will never last. Do you see what I’m getting at??
Now with that being said, the flip side is, you also need to have every single one of those qualities you are asking for. So if you want a guy who is active, but you are not really active yourself, it won’t work. If you want a guy who is successful in his career and driven and you are not that yourself, it won’t work. So that’s where working on yourself is important. You never want to ask or require something from someone else, that you are not able to offer in return.
Whenever I come across a guy that I discover will not be a good fit, I simply say “I don’t feel the way I want to, in order to continue to move forward. Thank you for your time….”
Hopefully this was helpful.
2. As far as talking about your family, I think it’s important to look at HOW you are speaking about your family. If it is a point of contention between you and several different people, that is an indicator that something is off. Your choice to be involved with your family in the way you are, causes you stress. You get to choose that, but it’s another thing to complain about it. Imagine you had a friend who was dating a guy who only stressed her out. Imagine that every time she talked about him, she complained or she cried, or she would talk about her hurt feelings. Every time, being the good friend you are, you offer advice, but she never takes it. She just comes back again and again and again, complaining about the same exact thing and not willing to make any changes. So there comes a point where you just get sick of hearing about it and you lose respect for her, because she is making a choice to be miserable. As her friend, you would just feel powerless and not truly valued for your advice, because it doesn’t make a difference anyways.
Do you think your friends might feel this way when you talk about your family?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
LOL – life would be so much easier and better if people just acted the way we wanted them to, right?? I get the frustration. I remember when I was younger, I judged people a lot about the smaller, insignificant things. As I began my healing journey and clearing out all the gunk inside, I noticed those silly judgments just melted away and no longer mattered. But then, I also noticed other judgments, more self-righteous judgments, started showing up – things like what you get frustrated about. Things like people not understanding the deeper truth, people wanting to stay in their illusion and fantasy, people not wanting to know the truth so they can stay connected to what they want to believe etc. So…I get your frustrations. It’s a good practice isn’t it??
So it’s sounds like you might end up seeing your guy this weekend. What’s the potential plan? He is coming to your house? It sounds like you have some concern as he has been less communicative than you prefer. Is that correct? Is your concern that he may have lost some interest? Or lost momentum?
This week, some things have opened up for us here in Colorado. My gym (where I work) has re-opened as it’s only a personal training gym, not a big gym for the general public. The owner has taking some MAJOR precautions to keep it clean and safe. He has 2 different machines that run in the gym every night and kill off every ounce of virus and bacteria, he sectioned off areas of the gym where trainers have to stay with their clients and there are only allowed 10 people total at a time. BUT, none of my clients wants to come back yet. LOL. Most are happy with just doing zoom. I don’t mind, as I’m kind of similar to you – I’d prefer to stay away for another month or so and see what happens. Hopefully we don’t have to go into a shutdown again. How has it been since you guys have opened up a bit?
Heidi
Hi Carrie,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for your question. Would you mind sharing more details? It will help us better guide you through this.
You say that your team is all women who are in more distress than you are, so he’s getting his needs fulfilled in that way. How do you know? Do you know if he is starting to feel an attraction towards another woman you are working with?
What do you feel might have caused his lack of attraction towards you? Do you feel it’s about attraction or do you feel it could be something else? How would you describe your relationship? Easy, challenging? Fun, dramatic? Do you have any idea what happened 6 months ago? Did something happen in the relationship or in his life personally?
Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Ke T,
The thing is, it’s not really your job to figure him out. He needs to align BOTH his actions and words to communicate to you what he wants. He is sending a lot of mixed messages and that just means he is split. He has 1 part that wants to connect and another part that is scared. It’s a battle you don’t want to try to figure out. He can’t figure it out for himself! So my suggestion is, decide what YOU want and then be willing to align 100% with that. He can either join you on that journey or not.
Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
I know how hard it is right now. I know you created a dream around him and creating a family together and it’s time for you to let go of that dream.
What I want to encourage you to do, is to feel the hurt and the loss, but DO NOT create a story around him being the one to fulfill the love you’ve always dreamed of. That simply isn’t true. There are many experiences of love in this world. Love is like a tree. You are the trunk and the branches are the relationships. A branch grew with him, but now it’s time for it to die off. It DOES NOT mean it’s your only chance at a powerful love. What it does mean, is that the branch dying off creates room for a new branch to grow. It won’t be the same kind of branch, but it can be just as powerful and strong, if not more. When you are healed and ready to experience love again, you will find your heart opens up and is willing to take the risk.
For now, your focus needs to be on healing the hurt, having great compassion and care for yourself and staying connected with us and keep talking! We are good voices for you to read, so you can stay clear of limiting beliefs that will block your healing.
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I’m so sorry! How are you doing?? How are you feeling? I’m wondering if he was just ready to end it anyways. For him to jump to conclusions without really talking it all the through with you, sounds like he might have been looking for a way out anyways. What is your sense about this?
Heidi
Hi Marissa,
I’m sorry this happening! How confusing for you!
So you really have no idea why he needed to break up? What is the current status? Are you guys talking at all? Has he reached out at all? What was your relationship like together? Did you feel that he truly loved you? How was the communication between you guys? Was he typically pretty open and honest about his feelings? Were you?
All of these things will help us better guide your next steps.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
You sound very grounded and clear about where you stand. Well done! I love that you are trying something new where you are not chasing. It’s hard, but you will discover new strength and value in yourself by making a guy work a little more for all that you have to offer. Pay attention to all the feelings you have that come up, as you try on this new way of being.
Keep us updated! We would love to hear how you are experiencing yourself through this.
Heidi
