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Isn’t it crazy how you can feel love for this person across the world and you yet you barely know him?? It’s all so fascinating to me. Is it scary for you? When are you coming to visit? Are you able to come for a period of time? Like for 4 or 5 months, to really get a good sense of each other?
Heidi
Okay…let’s talk about your list a little more. It’s getting closer. First, the energy of this list feels like it’s more of a “what I want in a partner” kind of list. You are thinking of what you want and don’t want (i.e. Spiritual and humble: strong faith, humble to God, not arrogant.) I want you to go even deeper. There is a deeper layer you haven’t quite accessed yet. It’s a bit challenging when you haven’t dated much and haven’t had practice being in different kinds of relationships. You are just now getting to know yourself and growing into a new version of yourself, so your list is even going to change in the next year as you learn more about yourself and relationships in general. For example, let’s look at #3. Your definition of what thoughtful is, is very specific. “Thoughtful – think of other’s needs and feelings. Knows when to give meaningful gifts to make people feel special. He will plan dates thoroughly (I am this quite detailed when I plan something).” Have you ever read the 5 love languages? Each of us has different ways of being thoughtful, loving and romantic. So having the idea in your mind that he needs to plan dates thoroughly and with detail, is something you would like, but is it REALLY a deal breaker if he doesn’t? Wouldn’t it be fun to have a guy who also took you on dates that were adventurous and not planned?? Spontaneity is a great quality, right? Just something to think about.
What I would like to suggest for now is to give your list 1 more round, going deeper and then table it. Put it away and re-visit it at a later time. Right now, the focus needs to be most on you and learning the ways you can be more authentic in your daily life. It’s time for you to become more empowered in your life. Your vision of a man and a relationship is the very last thing you want to work on. You have to BECOME more of who you are first. You are like a brand new dear trying to figure out how the heck to walk. Stay present on what needs to happen RIGHT NOW and then when you have your legs under you, when you can run and play and do everything you want to be able to do, on those currently wobbly legs, then it would be the time to consider starting to date.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
You are definitely getting closer to understanding how you function in your life in order to be accepted and loved! Well done! This pattern of being the “agreeable” girl taught you that you were loved better that way. It’s quite common actually and these patterns connected to how we get love are really difficult to break. We deeply desire to be loved and to belong, so changing how you make that happen is scary…however ESSENTIAL to be loved and belong to the kind of people who see us for who we really are. When we are inauthentic and putting on a mask, we attract the people that like that kind of mask. So it’s time to take that mask off, right? Then you will find brand new people who support who you really are. The current people will either join you on this growth or fall away. It’s quite courageous of you!!!
As far as your clients and you offering “free” services to existing clients, how about you create some new boundaries for yourself and send out an email to each existing client. You can say something like, “I’ve been going through re-branding and re-structuring my business as it’s time for a growth spurt. I’ve restructured prices. From this date forward, here are the prices for each service….payment is now expected upfront prior to me doing the work. I know these are some big changes, so if there are any questions, please call me or respond to this email and we can have a conversation about it. I value our relationship and business adventures deeply. I look forward to hearing from you….”
With MJ, I know it’s an uncomfortable topic. Everything you are going to be doing now for yourself will feel VERY uncomfortable. It’s a new side of you he hasn’t experienced before and has been pushing for you to be, but that also means it will affect him. He will start to have much more respect for you though, as he feels more and more of your boundaries.
The whole high vibe repelling lower frequency thing is not as simple as that. I operate at a high frequency, however, I did attract a guy full of an incredible amount of anger, bipolar and surprisingly was entertaining as hell! I was soooo attracted to him. The chemistry between us was off the charts. I did nothing about it though. Neither did he. We just let that energy be there and left it at that. It was very hard, but very necessary as we both knew that we could NEVER be in relationship together and have it be a good one. So anyone can be pulled into your “high-vibe.” It’s a matter of you saying yes or no to that experience that determines what frequency you are going to choose to live in. If I had said yes to him, I would have been pulled out of my high vibe living into his level of frequency. Does this make sense? You are making HUGE improvements after your ex. The fact that you are actually considering what you want and magnifying that, instead of hiding it, is a giant step forward! You are definitely heading in the right direction!
So will you move to him or vice versa? Or maybe meet somewhere in the middle?
I’m glad to hear he is back and connecting. It sounds like you just being a consistent person that is there for him, is enough for him right now.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wonderful! It sounds like you are clear about the app and just let those negative feelings fly on by. Well done!
I think the warming party is a great idea. It could even lead into the conversation about exclusivity. You could say something like, “I’ve decided to have a house warming party. I would love for you to be there and meet all my friends. If that feels like too much for you right now and you aren’t quite ready to do that yet, I also understand and respect that. I’m not sure what your mindset is as far as the pace you feel comfortable moving forward with me….”
He might just say yes and leave it at that, but you might be able to pull a little more out of him by say, “Great! I’m excited for that! It did get me wondering though about the pace you feel good with. From all the different dating I’ve done, I have learned that everyone has certain things in their minds that are fast or slow etc. and it’s different for each person. For example, one guy might think that meeting friends and family only happens after being exclusive where the next guy opens his family to anyone and everyone and doesn’t think a thing about it….so I’d love to learn about you. What is in your mind on this topic? I’m curious…”
Heidi
Oh man, he’s having a hard time. It’s so hard to not be able to be there for him, isn’t it? I’m curious. Have you guys ever talked about how to move to be in the same space? It just gets harder to maintain a long distance relationship. Do you guys have any kind of plan about how you want to continue moving forward?
Heidi
Hi Nathalie,
Okay…so everything you asked about are not “be irresistible” products. You probably found them through other products we promoted in our emails. That means you will need to email them directly to be able to get the specifics of what you are asking about. I’m sorry we could not help you further with those details. We still would love to help you with your situation though. Lets us know some details!
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I am really curious why you stated that you needed some space. That was not my impression. I thought you wanted to connect more with him. Help me understand this a little more.
Before he leaves, it could be a good thing to just get on the same page as him. When people say “I need space” that could mean a million different things. It’s important to clarify what EXACTLY that means. What does that mean for you and what does that mean for him? So it can be a super simple and quick conversation before he leaves. You can say something like “I know you are leaving and I just wanted to ask real quick. I know we are giving each other a little breathing room right now, but I wanted to know what felt comfortable for you while you are away. Is it okay that I message you each day? HOw about doing a check in each night and having a conversation? For me, I’d like to still connect daily. I do miss you. But I want to know what you need and what is comfortable for you. I understand that may change from day to day, but let’s just start with today and what feels okay for you right now and then we can just go one day at a time.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Viola,
I understand your deep desire and need to stay connected. It hurts terribly to imagine your life without the person you love right by your side.
You are in a tough situation. It’s extra tricky because of your ages and the phase you are at in life. You both are at a point in life where the path splits. He will go play football somewhere and create and a completely different and separate life than wherever you go to college. You both are also at a developmental phase where it’s VERY NORMAL to have desires to experience all that life has to offer. Desires to date, desires to party, desires to learn or not learn. It’s a phase of entering adulthood for the very first time where you are no longer under your parent’s rules. There is a freedom on a new level, for the very first time when going to college. If you both end up staying local, that is a different story. Keeping the relationship together will be much easier, but that doesn’t change that BOTH of your worlds are about to drastically change. It’s a HUGE time of transition – and you don’t quite know it or understand it until you start to go through it yourself. I’m not surprised he is starting to pull away and possibly considering ending the relationship. It’s pretty normal for couples transition from high school to college, to break up.
I think it’s really important to truly listen to him and what he needs. I think it’s best to let go of the future for right now and just get very present and deal with what is in front of you right now. Create a space for him to be honest with you and really listen to his mindset. Love, in the end, is always wanting what is best for him. That may mean letting him go. You want a guy who asks for what he needs, yes? You want a guy who follows his internal guidance, yes? You want a guy who fights for what he needs, even if it means making a very hard decision like this, yes? All of those are great qualities, even though it would rip your heart out. If you want the very best for him, then support what he is asking for and understand what he is going through. See where the conversation takes you from that kind of mindset.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
HI Cecilia,
I support 100% what Kanya suggested as well. It’s time to stay away. He has become verbally abusive now. He is calling you names and demeaning you. You say you want to grow and find yourself…well now is the time to do that. If you want to grow, it’s time to start respecting yourself. The first way to do that is to step away from anyone who talks to you that way. He does not respect you and blames you for HIS challenges in his life. He gets to have that story in his mind, but it does not mean you need to stand there and take it. It’s abuse and it’s traumatizing. He is not offering you love and connection and someone who talks that way, does not have the ability to love deeply anyways.
It seems you are having a hard time really seeing how his words and behaviors are toxic to you. He has said several times to leave him alone and you are not respecting that either.
It’s time for you to let this guy go. Let him go live his life. It’s time you really respect his boundary and care enough about yourself to never reach out to again and take on the abusive words he is spewing out. Love yourself enough to not expose yourself to those kinds of harmful words.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Grace,
It sounds like you are becoming more clear.
Let’s talk about this statement a little more: “I feel like I’m just going to have to let go of this guy since I’ve changed so much for him that I don’t know what else I have to give up for him.” I’m curious…what did you choose to change for him? What have you given up for him? That is not a way to a make a relationship work. That is a way to destroy it. The moment you don’t allow yourself to be who you are 100%, that’s the moment you start to abandon yourself and then the seeds of resentment get planted. It is not your job to change for him or anyone. It’s your job to be most authentic self. Is this a common pattern you have?
Also, you have a very specific way and idea of how you feel love should be expressed. Have you ever read the 5 love languages? It’s great! It can help you understand the different ways that people express love and how many times people miss the signals. I’m not saying you should stay with your guy. I’m just wanting to expand your mindset so you have more insight into relationships in general.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
Any word yet?
Kind of a bummer that he didn’t at least acknowledge what you said. He might need some time to really think about what you said. Guys are not the best at communicating. They usually need A LOT of coaching on how to communicate. To make it even worse, it’s over text. He wasn’t able to feel you, see you, hear you. That means he could be interpreting your message in a completely different way than what you are intending. This is the hard part about long distance and what you guys are doing. Can you initiate a time talk in person??? It really would be so much better that way!Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I’m sooooo so glad you guys had a good time moving. It sounds like it went really well and you guys are continuing to bond. You both are talking about your houses and asking for opinions and imagining each other in the future together. This is good!
As far as seeing that dating app, my guess is, he just hasn’t taken it off. So many people leave apps they no longer use on their phone. Maybe you can check the app on your own and see if he is active on it? Even if his account is still active, that doesn’t mean he is still interacting with anyone. I get your fear though. I’m gonna validate you that it’s a very natural and normal response you are having about it. I imagine anyone, male or female, would end up having initial thoughts and feelings of fear on some level about it. Things are still very new with you guys and there is usually a super awkward phase trying to figure out if you guys are on the same page as time goes on. There could be a concern, but there could also not be a concern. I think it really depends on you and your personality. I am very blunt. I ask my questions and explain why I am asking the majority of the time. Before I ask my questions though, I always work on clearing any negative feelings, so that I have a good, clear conversation with them. So personally, I would straight up ask him “Hey, so I saw this app on your phone yesterday when you were showing me something. It made me wonder if you were still open to dating other people. I know we haven’t ever talked about this and it’s been a super weird time. Seeing that app just made me wonder and I would love to just talk about it if you are willing….” That may not be how you want to handle it though. Being the kind of person I am, I need a guy who appreciates my honesty and my questions. I also need a guy strong enough to tell when to back off as well, so all these little moments is how you figure each other out and see if you work well together. You can also just let it go, do a little side research on your own and just keep paying attention. You guys will need to have that conversation at some point about becoming exclusive anyways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nathalie,
I’m working on getting the specific information you have asked for. In the meantime, what’s happening for you that you are searching for all this information? Is there a situation in your life that we can help offer some ideas to help you along? Each situation is so unique, so many times it’s helpful to get an expert’s guidance on how to best handle what’s happening. We would love to help!
Heidi
Hey there! Again…great questions!
I’m going to first address this: “Like I am watching myself being bullied but I am helpless about it.” You almost got upset about MJ calling you out and calling you “wishy-washy” because there is some truth in it for you. You are wishy washy and allow other’s “stronger” opinions matter more than your own…therefore you don’t really allow yourself to exist in the situation – and then on top of that, you have strong judgment towards yourself about this. You are like this because you have a belief, a pattern that was established as a child. I don’t know the details of it, but whatever that program is probably comes from your parents. You learned that if you stayed quiet, respected your elders, shoved all your thoughts and emotions aside, then that was the best way to exist and survive. If you were crying everytime the teacher called on you as a child, that is a great rabbit hole to go down. You were so scared about getting in trouble. That tells you how early those programs began for you – and you still carry them to this day. The way you shift it is by digging into those programs, dissecting them, embracing them, loving them, having compassion for yourself, forgiving and then helping those very young beliefs transform into beliefs sourced by truth instead of lies. That’s the general approach. There are a lot of ways to go about this. Have you not worked on this with your therapist??
Also, there is a point where generosity becomes toxic to you. You might want to really look into that for yourself. I understand you are not bothered by continuing to work for him even though you are not being paid right now. You have all kinds of reasons why it feels okay for you…AND….you have to remember you are VERY COMFORTABLE overgiving. It’s been a way that you have functioned your whole life. I would encourage you to do the things that make you feel uncomfortable! MJ made an agreement with you and he is not following through on it. All the time you are investing in him, is taking time away from you and your vision. You are not receiving the agreed upon payment for your work, so it would very natural and normal to end the agreement and no longer do the work. In many ways I have no doubt he has really helped you to use your voice and be more authentic. In another way, he is using you to work for him, not having any clue when and how he can pay you. That is out of integrity. So he is helping you and using you at the same time. Maybe it’s time to set a boundary where you do not allow yourself to expend any energy for anyone that is not able to pay you what you are worth!!! Just a thought.
I will go over your list at another time.
As far as your love tank being full, we all have a love tank that is wavering every single day. Like the tides the ocean. BUT, there is a certain range it will waiver within. You want to be hanging out closer to the top, right? Yes, sometimes it spills out, but because the person knows how to care for themselves, they will figure out ways to fill it back up. As far as you being independent and sending a message to the universe that you don’t “need” a man, that is true. If you feel you “need” a man in order to be happy, you are going to attract a lower vibration experience that will bring a lot of drama. My personal love tank is pretty full. Do I still have a lot to go? ABSOLUTELY! I can feel and see the areas in my life that could really use a lot of help. Does that prevent me from finding a high vibe kind of love? Nope. Because I operate at a pretty high frequency, so I will attract a man who lives around the same frequency as me. I am definitely messed up in a lot of ways however, I have the skillset, the support system, the EQ to handle the stressors that show up. Every day I get better at loving myself when I am crazy messy and not what I want to be. So the love tank being full is not about being stress free, drama free or wounded free, it’s about the person’s ability to connect deeply with themselves when all of the messiness shows up. They are able to have control over their emotions and they have methods, techniques and ways of dealing with the triggers when they show up. They take responsibility for when they get triggered and don’t blame anyone for how they feel. They handle stress in a healthy way, they KNOW they are responsible for getting their needs met and are creative about how to make that happen. So…this isn’t about whether or not you need a man. I do not need a man. I would like to have a man though. Falling in love would be a wonderful compliment into my life. I am extremely independent and can source myself 100%. Any man who comes along will love that about me. That does not mean however, that I will absolutely love to bring him into my life and ask for help in a million different ways and vice versa. Does this clear it up for you a little more? Keep asking questions. There are a million ways to say things – the more you ask, the more I understand the pieces that are missing for you.
As far as your daughter, she is so young. She won’t be able to fully understand what it means to manage him. You just have to teach her first and foremost to keep choosing forgiveness towards her father. She will even need to work on forgiving you eventually for choosing him in the first place. She is too young to understand the dynamics of everything. The very best thing you can do is to keep connecting her back to her truth whenever he does or says something that hurts her feelings. Him being more restrictive than you is just a normal thing. It’s good practice for when she becomes an adult and she has jobs and bosses where she will have to be doing things she doesn’t agree with or like doing (like cleaning bathrooms – filing papers etc. – who knows!). She has to develop an ability to be okay with it. It’s just part of life. So she gets good practice being with him and under his guidelines. Does this make sense?
Heidi
